Mar. 14, 2012 issue

T H E I N D E P E N D E N T D A I LY AT D U K E U N I V E R S I T Y

The Chronicle

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

Pratt jumps three spots in rankings

ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTH YEAR, ISSUE 113

WWW.DUKECHRONICLE.COM

‘Duke Houses’ process gets mixed response

Making it BIG time

From Staff Reports

Integration of committees has already proven successful in one area. This year, DUU absorbed the previously independent LDOC committee.

Senior Nathan French, co-chair of the LDOC committee, said that integrating the LDOC committee into DUU has proven to be a beneficial decision because it joined the committee with a larger network of planners, providing it with new resources. The collaboration helped DUU intentionally design a varied program of concerts throughout the year.

Another main goal for next year is ensuring that DUU brings diverse programming to campus, Nye said.

“My vision is to create the best programming on campus possible,” he said.

“Our mission statement is very clear that we need to bring cultural and academic

The release of next year’s housing assignments Monday yielded mixed responses as students adjust to the new house model.

Under the Duke Houses process, rising sophomores and juniors who are unaffiliated with a selective living group were assigned to houses across West and Central campuses at random by Housing, Dining and Residence Life. These students were unable to preference between placement in a house located on Central Campus or West Campus. HDRL informed students of their house assignments and subsequent lottery numbers, which will be used to choose individual rooms within their designated houses in the coming weeks.

Prior to this year, students received randomly assigned lottery numbers and picked their rooms via Room Picks, an online room selection process that allowed students to choose—in the order of their lottery number—from available rooms across West and Central campuses.

Rising seniors underwent a housing assignment process similar to the old Room Picks process. These students were given a lottery number and picked from available rooms within each house during a given time slot.

Some students are satisfied with their placement under Duke Houses. Freshman Liza Katz, who will be living in a Central apartment on either Lewis Street or Yearby Avenue, said she was disappointed by her inability to indicate a preference for Central, though she is happy with her assignment.

“I wanted to be close to my friends in my sorority who are living in the house because I didn’t get in the house through the lottery system,” Katz said. “I thought it would be fun to have a kitchen and not live in a dorm.”

Linda Moiseenko, manager for Duke community housing, could not be reached for comment.

“This was a new system for everyone involved, both the students and our team, and I think through a lot of cooperative efforts, it was made to work very well,” said Joe Gonzalez, associate dean for residence life.

According to the Duke Houses website. houses are expected to have a target distribution of sophomores, juniors and seniors at 50 percent, 30 percent and 20 percent, respectively—increasing the likelihood from previous years that juniors and seniors can live on West. Under the house model, sophomores are also no longer guaranteed to live on West.

Sophomore Danish Husain said he was

SEE DUU ON PAGE 6

SEE HOUSES ON PAGE 5

THE CHRONICLE

The Pratt School of Engineering continues to climb the ranks among engineering schools in the nation.

U.S. News and World Report listed Pratt as the 28th best engineering school in the country Tuesday. This marks a three spot jump since last year’s rankings were released. Pratt has moved up seven places on the list in the last three years, rising faster than any other engineering school in the country, Pratt Dean Tom Katsouleas said.

“Pratt is on a roll—I could not be more pleased,” Katsouleas said. “It is just going to get better, especially considering some of our new faculty hires.”

U.S. News considers many factors when assessing engineering schools, including faculty resources, research activity and total research expenditures. Katsouleas noted that an increase in research funding is a major contributor to the school’s recent jump in the rankings.

Pratt received a total of $94 million in outside research grants and subawards in the 20102011 academic year, which was a more than $20 million increase from the awards received in the 2009-2010 academic year.

“We have a lot of momentum right now, and we are excited to continue to follow our strategic plan,” Katsouleas said.

The U.S. News report also ranked Duke’s graduate school programs among the most

DAN SCHEIRER/THE CHRONICLE

The Duke Annual Fund hosted the second annual BIG Event in Schaefer Mall Tuesday, featuring free food and games, as well as a videographer to film students talking about the Annual Fund.

SEE RANKINGS ON PAGE 6

DUKE UNIVERSITY UNION

Nye seeks to address DUU ‘holistically’

by Joel Luther THE CHRONICLE

Duke University Union has selected its new leadership team and will continue to streamline its various channels in the coming year.

Junior Nathan Nye, who currently serves as DUU’s vice president of internal affairs, will serve as president of the organization— responsible for events such as the Last Day of Classes celebration and Homecoming—in the 2012-2013 Nathan Nye academic year. Nye and the rest of next year’s executive board were selected by current executive board members through an application and interview process in February. The current board also appointed committee chairs to 14 of the DUU’s 16 programming committees.

Baseball drops seventh straight, Page 7

“I’m excited to move into a role that can facilitate all of our programming under one big umbrella,” Nye said. “I have the chance to look at the union holistically and make sure that we’re meeting our goals.”

Nye said that one of his main goals will be streamlining DUU’s 16 programming committees and improving efficiency and coordination between the various committees. Due to DUU’s large and varied nature, it is difficult to avoid overlap and redundancies.

That vision is shared by sophomore Jacob Robinson, current co-chair of the LDOC committee and incoming vice president for internal affairs.

“Being LDOC co-chair, I’ve led a committee of 17 of my peers, both older and younger than me,” Robinson said. “Efficiency is one of the things I’ve learned a lot about. I’m going to take the things I’ve learned in my LDOC experiences, and I’m going to help implement them into other DUU committees.”

ONTHERECORD

“Don’t blindly let Kony 2012 make you the star of this saga. Because you’re not.”

—Ellie Bullard on Kony 2012. See column page 11

Murphy, Plumlee adjust to redshirts, Page 7

2 | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

THE CHRONICLE

worldandnation

GAO report criticizes energy loan mismanagement

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Energy Department is mismanaging oversight of $34 billion in taxpayer-backed loans for green energy and other projects, congressional auditors said in a new report this week.

The Government Accountability Office said it took Energy Department staff more than three months to come up with data on the status of applications for loan guarantees, leading auditors to question whether oversight of the program is timely or fair to companies seeking federal subsidies.

“Maintaining adequate and proper records of agency activities is essential to oversight of the management of public resources,” auditors wrote in the report.

The weakness led auditors to conclude that companies applying for loans, primarily renewable energy and nuclear ventures, cannot always count on the government to fairly vet their projects.

schedule

LSRC B101, 10-11 a.m.

Amory B. Lovins, chairman and chief scientist of Rocky Mountain Institute, will speak on issues about energy, especially its efficient use and sustainable supply.

Installation Opening Talk Divinity School Westbrook Hall, 3:30-4:30 p.m.

Ethan Jackson, a visual artist working in optical installation, talks about his projects.

Obama admin blocks Afghan support for US Texas’ new voter ID law pullout grows after rampage KABUL, Afghanistan — A growing number of Afghans say they have come to see a quick U.S. pullout as the best of bad options, a shift in line with Americans’ growing disapproval of the decade-long war. The sentiment follows a rampage Sunday allegedly by a U.S. soldier.

The Obama administration blocked a new law in Texas that requires voters to show a photo ID, drawing fierce criticism from Republicans who say the move was aimed at boosting Barack Obama’s reelection prospects. The Justice Department said the law harms Hispanic voters.

Java, Jobs & Jewish Identity: Drop-In Advising Bryan Center, 4 -7 p.m.

The session focuses on how Jewish values can play a part in students’ professional life.

Duke Symphony Orchestra: Hommage a Mozart Reynolds Industries Theater, 8 -10 p.m.

The Duke Symphony Orchestra (Harry Davidson, music director) presents “Hommage a Mozart”.

—from calendar.duke.edu

TODAY IN HISTORY 1879: Albert Einstein is born.

”

“Well, ‘schema’ simply being a fancy way to say stereotype, I think we can all acknowledge that stereotypes, while having some basis in truth, have been a source for some less than ideal things—discrimination and racism, just to casually toss a couple out there.”

— From The Chronicle’s News Blog bigblog.dukechronicle.com

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Liberalism is trust of the people tempered by prudence. Conservatism is distrust of the people tempered by fear.

— William E. Gladstone

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Constitution Day Andorra

World Bank Day International

White Day JOCK FISTICK/THE WASHINGTON POST

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy speaks during a news conference following a European leaders summit at the European Council headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. A shrinking economy is complicating Rajoy’s efforts to meet the deficit goals after austerity measures failed.

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THE CHRONICLE

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012 | 3

Santorum wins Alabama, Mississippi primaries

By David A. Fahrenthold THE WASHINGTON POST

Rick Santorum has won Republican primaries in Mississippi and Alabama, exit polls and vote tallies show—a surprising Deep South sweep that signals Santorum is consolidating support among the party’s conservatives.

Both of the wins were narrow: Just a few points separated Santorum from rivals Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. The larger lesson of the night was that this long-running primary—far from leading the party to unite behind a favorite—has left Republicans divided stubbornly into thirds.

But for Santorum, the two close wins were still an enormous boost.

The former Pennslyvania senator had piled up victories in the Midwest, but Tuesday’s results showed he could also win on Gingrich’s home turf.

“We did it again,” Santorum told supporters in Lafayette, La., where the GOP will hold a primary March 24. He said he would go on to campaign in Puerto Rico, Missouri and other upcoming states. “We will compete everywhere.”

“The time is now for conservatives to pull together,” Santorum said. “The time is now to make sure—to make sure—that we have the best chance to win this election. And the best chance to win this election is to nominate a conservative. We are going to win this nomination before that convention.”

For Gingrich, especially, two close losses could be devastating.

The former House speaker had only won in former Confederate states—South Carolina and Georgia. And his narrow shot at the

Republican nomination hinged on the notion that the GOP needed the South to win, and the South wanted him most of all.

On Tuesday, Gingrich’s southern shutout could be the beginning of his end, if his financial backers start to lose faith.

Romney did not speak to supporters on Tuesday night—aides said he was in transit.

One of those aides, Eric Fehrnstrom, told CNN that “I don’t think anyone expected Mitt to win Alabama or Mississippi. As Mitt said early on, this was an away game. I think that was true.”

Fehrnstrom said that the math of GOP delegate counts remains daunting for Santorum: He was more than 200 behind Romney before Tuesday, and the split results in Mississippi and Alabama would give him little chance to keep up. If anyone can show a gameplan for Santorum to reach 1144 delegates, “I’m all ears,” Fehrnstrom said.

Tuesday’s other GOP contests are in Hawaii and American Samoa. Their results will not be known until early Wednesday morning.

Santorum has only a slim chance of actually becoming the GOP nominee. But the results in Alabama will help Santorum with the only hope he has left—that Gingrich can be convinced to drop out of the race, and that conservatives will unify behind a single challenger to Romney, making the rest of the a two-man race.

Exit polls in both states showed a Republican electorate that was highly conservative— and almost deeply split between the three front-runners.

SEE SANTORUM ON PAGE 6

Science in the SummerExplore, Focus, Immerse!

Term 2:

Term 1: BIOCHEM 227 BIOLOGY 101L BIOLOGY 167 CHEM 31L CHEM 151L CHEM 152L ENVIRON 181S

EOS 11 EOS 155 EVANTH 133L EVANTH 155 EVANTH 234L PHARM 160 PHYSICS 53L

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Registration now underway!

Term 1: May 16-June 28 Term 2: July 2-August 12 Check out the course offerings on ACES or at

summersession.duke.edu

Songs of the season

TYLER SEUC/THE CHRONICLE

The Duke Chorale performed pieces from its spring tour in the Chapel Tuesday. Works performed included pieces by Handel, Bach and Mozart, as well as Sarah Hopkins’ “Past Life Melodies.”

4 | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

THE CHRONICLE

Promoting sustainable food in the world of casual dining

Doug Glanville played for the Chicago C and Philadelphia Phillies. He is now Cubs an ESPN baseball commentator as well as a writer for the New York Times and Times.com

into these murky waters. Chipotle’s Steve Ells has proved that serving high-quality, even local meat can build customer loyalty—and profits. But Chipotle’s assembly-line, fast-food restaurants are less costly to run than Jim ‘N Nick’s, which must pay servers and dishwashers and offers a menu with more variety.

Perhaps Pihakis biggest challenge is that his customers appear happy with things just as they are. In 2011, the Birmingham News named Jim ‘N Nick’s the best barbecue in the city. The one time Pihakis did try to introduce higher-quality meat—an antibiotic- and hormone-free chicken—with a slight price hike, customers complained. Pihakis returned to his former supplier of conventionally raised birds.

However, Pihakis is determined to prove that good food doesn’t have to be expensive or highfalutin. “I don’t think good food has to cost that much more to produce,” Pihakis says. “It can be scaled. And that’s the only way we’re going to get it into the hands of mainstream Americans.”

Pihakis says he always knew he wanted to be in the restaurant business. At 19, he got his first job as a bartender in Birmingham, his hometown. Eight years later, in 1985, Pihakis’s father, Jim, helped him open the first Jim ‘N Nick’s. Today, the chain grosses $90 million a year and has outlets sprinkled across the Southeast and in Colorado. Three more are set to open this year.

Pihakis caught sustainable-food fever about seven years ago after meeting Bill Niman, the founder of Niman Ranch. The two hit it off instantly and decided to drive around Alabama to find small farms that might supply at least one of his restaurants. But after days on the road, they had not found a single farmer.

The severity of the situation only increased Pihakis’ resolve to do something. He began to talk with chefs and cult producers, such as Will Harris of White Oak Pastures in Georgia, about what it would take to build a network of pig farmers. What he learned is that it would be far more complicated than simply making deals with small farmers. Each year, Jim ‘N Nick’s serves four million pounds of pork. To produce enough meat at a price his customers would pay, Pihakis would have to address processing, packaging and distribution. “I realized I needed to be in the system to fix the system,” he says.

Pihakis projects that it will take at least five years to have his new food chain up and running. But next month he is taking the first step: opening a pork processing facility in Eva, Ala., about 60 miles outside of

Hee isis the H the author author of the recent book: The Game From Where I Stand

SEE FOOD ON PAGE 5

By Jane Black THE WASHINGTON POST

At Jim ‘N Nick’s Bar-B-Q in Birmingham, Ala., it’s policy that every day, everything is made from scratch: the pimento cheese, the hickory-smoked brisket and the lemon, chocolate and coconut pies. As if to prove a point, Jim ‘N Nick’s owner Nick Pihakis refuses even to put a freezer in the kitchen.

It makes sense if you know Pihakis. At 53, he has become a fixture on the sustainable Southern food scene.

He is a co-founder of the Fatback Collective, which describes itself as a clan of “chefs, pitmasters, culturalists and eaters committed to porkfection” and he regularly pals around with the region’s culinary royalty: Charleston’s Sean Brock (McCrady’s and Husk), New Orleans’ Donald Link (Herbsaint and Cochon) and John Currence of the City Grocery in Oxford, Miss.

One thing puts Pihakis in a very different league from his cohorts. Jim ‘N Nick’s, a Southeastern chain with 27 outlets, competes with restaurants such as Famous Dave’s rather than fine-dining establishments.

The restaurant’s average check size is $13. A substantial portion of its business comes from customers at the drive-through.

His goal is to promote sustainable food in the world of casual dining, where pre-shaped burgers, frozen fries and gallon-size bags of salad dressings are kitchen norms. That means not only cooking from scratch but replacing factory-farmed pork with heritage breeds raised on smaller farms and contracting with local farmers to grow staples including pimentos, peppers, garlic, onions and jalapenos—all without raising prices above what his customers can afford.

Pihakis is not the first chain restaurateur to wade

Reflections of a Major Leaguer: A Conversation with Doug Glanville

Thursday, March 15 2012 5:00 PM Pink Parlor, East Duke Building

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ANGIE MOSIER/THE WASHINGTON POST

Mangalitsa pigs are part of the Fatback Collective’s crossbreeding program to raise an ideal animal.

THE CHRONICLE

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012 | 5

FOOD from page 4 Birmingham. To start, the plant will bring in pigs raised by industrial methods: on large farms and mostly indoors.

But the restaurants will stop ordering shoulders, hams and bellies that make up the bulk of the meat they serve in favor of buying and using the whole animal. The practice, sustainable-food advocates say, is more environmentally friendly and profitable for farmers.

In the meantime, Pihakis and his crew are developing an ideal heritage breed for barbecue, a cross between the popular Berkshire pig and the Mangalitsa, a woolly, fatty animal that traditionally has been used to make charcuterie. He’s also recruiting the farmers to raise them for him. To meet the demand from Jim ‘N Nick’s, he calculates he will need 40 farms to each raise 400 pigs a year. So far, only four have committed.

Pihakis says he is confident that it won’t take too long to enlist farmers.

Contrary to the conventional sustainable-food wisdom that says small farmers must charge premium prices to make ends meet, the math for a midsize farm actually makes sense. With control of the processing, packaging and distribution costs, Pihakis can afford to pay farmers double what an industrial producer pays. By his calculations, farmers who raise 400 heritagebreed pigs per year outdoors can earn the same as farmers who raise 5,000 using conventional methods.

“Nick is emerging as the Bill Niman of the South,” says John T. Edge, the director of the Southern Foodways Alliance (to whom Jim ‘N Nick’s is a financial contributor). “He’s an idealist and a pragmatist.”

Pihakis also is signing up farmers to grow vegetables. Already, he has one within the Birmingham city limits who is striving to grow the 13,000 pounds of serrano peppers the chain uses each year. Pihakis’ goal is to find one farmer near each restaurant to grow for him.

He hopes having one big-volume customer will help make small farms more profitable.

How much will these changes cost Jim ‘N Nick’s customers? Pihakis says that to put heritage pork on the plate, he will need to raise prices by only 50 cents for a sandwich and $1 for a platter. And that concerns some veteran food reformers who, for years, have argued that Americans must be willing to pay more money for high-quality food.

“I think Nick has more price elasticity than he thinks he does,” says Bill Niman, whose B N Ranch in Bolinas, Calif., raises pastured beef and heritage turkeys. “He underestimates the consumer’s willingness to step up and pay more for food that tastes good.”

Pihakis, however, disagrees: “There’s a big difference in mindset between Alabama and Washington, D.C. or San Francisco,” he says. “We are going to crack the myth that it costs more money to do this. Once people see it can be done, a lot of them will want to jump on board.”

Bored? Visit www.chronicleblogs.com for our news, sports, editorial and recess blogs.

Look for it on 9th Street and in Chick-Fil-A on campus!

Menu Sampling Old School Veggie Burrito Regular Chicken Burrito Cheese Quesadilla Chicken Quesadilla Veggie Nachos Chips & Salsa

Answer: $2.86 $5.65 $1.41 $3.59 $4.12 $2.06

HOUSES from page 1 happy to receive his assignment in Kilgo Quadrangle for the second year in a row.

Husain was concerned that, as an unaffiliated student, he would not receive ideal housing due to the new house model.

Sophomore Jeremy Chaikind, however, said the process was particularly stressful because he is unaffiliated. Chaikind will live in Edens Quadrangle, though he wanted an apartment on Central.

“The whole house model was supposed to provide independents with a community,” he said. “Most rising juniors are going to live with their house maybe one year and then live off campus.... I can’t imagine that it’s going to

build a terrible amount of community.”

Hannah Ward, also an unaffiliated sophomore, said she felt uninformed about the nature of housing assignments under the new house model, particularly in the fact that she was unable to preference between Central and West campuses.

Students like Christina Smith, a sophomore and member of JAM!, said affiliation with a house likely made the process simpler.

“I was really apprehensive about the housing model because I felt like if I wasn’t in a [selective living group,] then I didn’t know what was going to happen,” she said.

“Now that [housing] is worked out, I’m happy that I’ll be on Central next year.”

SOPHIA PALENBERG/THE CHRONICLE

Whereas sophomores were previously guaranteed housing on West Campus, the new housing selection process results in a more balanced distribution of sophomores and juniors living on West Campus.

6 | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

SANTORUM from page 3 Tuesday’s voters seemed to be the most heavily evangelical of any state so far in this campaign, according to early exit polls: Evangelical Christians represented around eight in 10 voters in both Mississippi and Alabama.

In addition, the polls showed roughly threequarters of voters in both primaries said it’s important for candidates to share their religious beliefs.

More than 40 percent of voters in each state say religious beliefs matter “a great deal,” while only one in 10 say sharing beliefs doesn’t matter at all.

Around two-thirds of voters in both states are supporters of the tea party political movement, according to the preliminary data.

Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, did well among voters whose highest priority was beating President Barack Obama in November, according to exit polls from both states. Santorum did best among voters who wanted “strong moral character,” and those seeking “a true conservative.” And Gingrich, the architect of the 1994 Republican revolution, did best among voters who wanted “the right experience.”

On Tuesday, Romney seemed to be downplaying the odds that he would win in Mississippi and Alabama—even as polls showed him neck-and-neck with the others. Romney campaigned in Missouri, which would hold its primaries on Saturday, and he did not mention Alabama or Mississippi at all.

And in an interview with CNN, Romney portrayed Santorum as already “at the desperate end of his campaign.”

“He’s far behind in the delegate count, he’s far behind in the popular vote count,” Romney said. He added: “If you look at the math.... It’s a very difficult road for him.”

THE CHRONICLE

Santorum got an unexpected—and rather backhanded—boost on Tuesday from Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley. Bentley, who not campaigned for Santorum, told a local radio show that he had voted for Santorum.

The campaign in Alabama and Mississippi has sometimes sounded like a Paula Deen cooking show, with candidates listing all the ways they knew to cook a Southern staple: grits. Romney first told supporters, “I like grits”—and then, a day later, talked about “cheesy grits,” signalling that his expertise now extended to condiments.

But then Gingrich, who was born in Pennsylvania but represented Georgia in Congress, started showing off his own grits knowledge.

“I want you to know as a Georgian, I understand grits,” Gingrich said. “I even understand cheese grits. I even understand shrimp and grits. I think that gave you some sense of the degree to which Governor Romney doesn’t fit being the southern candidate in this race.”

On Tuesday, Gingrich cancelled a planned campaign appearance at the Birmingham zoo, blaming thunderstorms. But his aides made clear that—even if Gingrich loses both states—he does not plan to leave the race.

Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond said the former House speaker has his sights set on upcoming contests in Illinois, Texas, Wisconsin and even California, the last of which doesn’t vote until June. Hammond also said that the campaign is planning a “floor whip operation” for the Republican National Convention in Tampa in August—reaffirming Gingrich’s promise to stay in the race to the convention.

“I’ve instructed the press corps to take down time now so they’re ready for the next month,” Hammond told reporters Tuesday.

ChronicleHousing.com

Hammond dismissed questions about fundraising, saying that Gingrich is raising enough money to advertise this week in both Mississippi and Alabama. However, both ad buys are on cable channels (less expensive than broadcast), and Hammond would not say how big the buys are.

Romney was in St. Louis, Mo., on Tuesday—leaving the Deep South to campaign in a state that will hold Republican caucuses on Saturday. Missouri held a non-binding “beauty contest” primary weeks ago, and Santorum won that. Now, Romney is back: The caucuses that begin Saturday will start the process that actually awards Missouri’s delegates.

Speaking in a park, Romney ignored his Republican rivals and trained his rhetorical fire on Obama. He accused the president of failing to fix the economy and allowing America’s military superiority to slip.

“I wish as a president he would finally take responsibility for 24 million people out of work or underemployed in this country… for not drilling more oil when he could have… for home values having gone down down down… for the national debt that he has almost doubled,’’ Romney told a standingroom-only crowd of more than 500 people spread out around him in folding chairs on a grassy field.

“It’s time for this president to be held responsible and because of that responsibility, he’s going to be out of office this coming fall,’’ Romney said to loud cheers, holding a microphone and pacing occasionally like a talk show host. He spoke under a “Romney: Believe in America” banner and next to a jungle-gym.

Staff writers Amy Gardner, in Birminghama, Ala., Jerry Markon, in St. Louis, Felicia Sonmez and Nia-Malika Henderson contributed to this report.

DUU from page 1 programming as well as entertainment, and I want to stress that.”

Senior Rachel Sussman, current DUU president, was unavailable for comment.

The chairs of the LDOC committee and the Campus Concert Series committee are yet to be determined. Interviews for the chair of the Campus Concert Series are scheduled for later this month.

French said next year’s LDOC co-chairs have not been chosen due to scheduling problems that prevented LDOC selection from coinciding with the rest of DUU’s selections. Applications for the position of LDOC co-chair are currently being accepted, and the LDOC committee hopes to make selections by April 1.

Robinson noted that DUU has a large influence on campus life and that he is looking forward to his upcoming role.

“Next year more than ever, DUU will have a huge role in bringing students together, fostering inclusivity and creating positive memories for the students,” Robinson said.

RANKINGS from page 1 selective in the country. The School of Law and the Fuqua School of Business maintained their rankings at 11th and 12th place, respectively. The Sanford School of Public Policy tied with six other schools, coming in at 16th in the public affairs category, though it ranked sixth in public policy analysis subcategory. The School of Medicine fell to ninth place in the rankings for research medical schools. This is down from last year’s tie for fifth place with the medical schools at Stanford University, University of California—San Francisco and Yale University.

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Sports

>> BLUE ZONE

The Chronicle

WEDNESDAY March 14, 2012

Tweet us your Duke basketball questions with the hashtag #askchron or directly at @dukebasketball.

We’ll answer them before Duke tips off Friday.

www.dukechroniclesports.com

MEN’S BASKETBALL

Murphy, Plumlee make most of redshirt year

by Scott Rich THE CHRONICLE

CHELSEA PIERONI/CHRONICLE FILE PHOTO

Alex Murphy and Marshall Plumlee have not scored a point, grabbed a rebound or dished an assist for Duke this year.

Neither freshman experienced a season-ending injury, nor are they in head coach Mike Krzyzewski’s doghouse.

And both are certainly talented enough to contribute for the Blue Devils—the two were listed amongst Scout.com’s Top 75 prospects in the Class of 2011.

Instead, both Murphy and Plumlee are voluntarily redshirting this season—a practice that has become increasingly rare as early entry into the NBA Draft becomes more common. Faced with competition for playing time on a deep Duke squad, Murphy and the youngest Plumlee will instead preserve a year of eligibility while quietly improving outside of the spotlight. “[With] the timing of it—the way it worked out with how far along Ryan Kelly and Miles and Mason are in their careers and how they’re developing as players—it was smartest for me to take my year to get better and learn from them,” Marshall Plumlee said. “They can do just fine holding down the post for our team.”

The prospect of redshirting Plumlee was a possibility throughout his recruitment, with his brothers, Kelly and sophomore Josh Hairston likely supplanting him in the Blue Devil rotation. But for Murphy the decision was slightly more surprising, considering the 6-foot-8 swingman chose to follow the path of teammate Andre Dawkins and forgo his last season of high-school eligibility to enroll at Duke early.

Murphy, however, always planned to redshirt upon coming to Durham, deciding that a year in the Duke program

TYLER SEUC/CHRONICLE FILE PHOTO

SEE REDSHIRTS ON PAGE 8

Marshall Plumlee, the 10th best center in the Class of 2011, redshirted to allow his body time to mature athetically.

Despite earning playing time in Duke’s early exhibition games, Alex Murphy decided to redshirt after sustaining a concussion.

BASEBALL

ASU rolls at DBAP

by Alex Krinsky THE CHRONICLE

Behind freshman Jamie Nunn’s dominant pitching performance, Appalachian State stretched the Blue Devils’ losing streak to seven games by winning 6-3 Tuesday at Durham Bulls Athletic Park. The Mountaineers have 6 ASU now won 12 games Duke 3 in a row.

Nunn struck out eight batters and gave up only three hits and one unearned run in six innings of work.

“The starter did a good job. He threw two pitches for strikes, a fastball and a slider,” head coach Sean McNally said. “We just weren’t able to make an adjustment.”

Duke (7-12) also gave the starting nod to a freshman. Dalton Brown had only appeared in one game for Duke, recording two outs in a situational relief role against Campbell.

The freshman got into trouble early, surrendering a leadoff single to Hector Crespo and walking Daniel Kassouf.

Back-to-back doubles by Tyler Tewell and Jeremy Dowdy left the Blue Devils in a three-run hole.

After Duke responded with a run in the bottom half of the inning, Brown recorded two consecutive shutout innings and al-

lowed only one batter to reach base.

“We wanted him to throw it over and attack,” McNally said. “If we defend a little bit better we don’t give up any runs.

It was a good positive start for him and definitely something he can build on.”

In the top of the fourth inning, Appalachian State (14-2) tagged Duke reliever Chase Bebout for three hits and a run that brought the score to 4-1.

The Mountaineers added to their lead again in the eighth. After giving up a leadoff double down the left field line, Duke’s David Putman came in to relieve Drew Van Orden. Kassouf welcomed Putman to the action by slamming a towering home run over the Blue Monster in left field. The long ball gave the Mountaineers a five-run cushion.

After being held to one run on four hits through seven innings, the Blue Devils’ bats finally showed some life in the bottom of the eighth. Duke loaded the bases and senior Will PiwnicaWorms hit a line drive directly at the rightfielder, but Reed Anthes was able to tag and beat the throw to home.

Andy Perez then hit a double that scored D’Alessandro to make the score 6-3 heading into the ninth.

SEE BASEBALL ON PAGE 8

Ellie’s ‘expert’ advice on bracketology Every March since 1985, mankind has pursued the elusive flawless bracket. Each of us has our own system that inevitably fails somewhere between the first round and the Elite Eight, leaving a bruise on the forehead that perpetually says, “Dope! Why didn’t I see that coming?”

The first round— or what used to be the first round, let’s call it the “Round of 64”—is the most perplexing. With a smatRyan tering of mid-majors, bubble busters, last four in and surprise conference champions, how is the average college basketball fan supposed to sniff out an upset? Personally, I have always sent through the one and two seeds, then eliminated the seeds for the rest of the field. I try to focus on the matchups, Team X against Team Y on an average day.

But what happens when this analysis fails? I am perennially guilty of over-analysis, tearing apart each matchup until I find a logical scenario for either team to win.

A perfect bracket is certainly not probable, and yet the concept is so simple that it most definitely feels possible to achieve this feat.

Claxton

I’ve been searching for a way to keep my selections as simple as the bracket itself, to eliminate the over-analysis and make quick, sound, concrete decisions. An oracle of sorts, perhaps, to help me defeat the massive 9-quintillion-to-1 odds against selecting a perfect bracket.

I’ve tried the classics—mascots, school colors and cost of tuition—and even ventured into some more involved metrics, such as geographic proximity to my birthplace, number of letters in the team’s arena, or the age of the head coach. Unfortunately, none of these have been reliable predictors of a perfect bracket, and Butler has singlehandedly defied most of them two years in a row now.

Tired of losing in bracket pools to my far less-basketball-educated friends, including my 18-year-old sister, this year I decided if I can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I called Ellie to tap into her vast supply of basketball reasoning and sniff out some first round upsets and Final Four surprises.

Much to my dismay, many of her selections revolved around seeding, SEE CLAXTON ON PAGE 8

8 | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

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REDSHIRTS from page 7 would benefit his progression more than one more year at the high school level.

“I came in this summer thinking that I was going to redshirt. That was my idea coming out of high school,” Murphy said. “At the end of the day I thought it was a no-brainer; coming down here would benefit me in the long run a lot more than staying back in high school the extra year.”

The situation became muddled after Murphy played well on the Blue Devils’ international trip to China and Dubai and even started Duke’s first exhibition game of the season, leading to speculation that the freshman could play a role in the Blue Devil rotation. But the next week Murphy suffered a concussion during practice, sidelining him for most of Duke’s hectic earlyseason schedule.

Murphy then reopened the topic of redshirting with his coaches, and made a decision he still feels has been the right one.

“At certain points I’ve gotten a little antsy, but I think I definitely made the right decision,” Murphy said. “It’s been a great year for me, and it was definitely the best thing for me.”

Plumlee followed a more conventional path to Durham, but was faced with a similar conundrum as Murphy.

Despite being ranked as the 10th-best center in his class and a McDonald’s AllAmerican, Plumlee realized he would be better served maturing athletically than playing sparse minutes in his first season as a Blue Devil.

“It was a realization that came about slowly,” Plumlee said. “It’s bittersweet be-

cause on one side it’s very exciting to see how much my brothers and Ryan have developed as big men. On the other end that helps me realize I’m not quite there yet.”

But like Murphy, the prospect of sitting out his first season never deterred Plumlee, who called playing time a “non-factor” in his recruitment.

Instead, Plumlee has shifted his competitive nature to the practice floor, where he has made a concerted effort to challenge his teammates, often vociferously arguing with his older brothers following physical play.

Both redshirts have also taken it upon themselves to affect the game in the only way the can from the bench— by inspiring their teammates and, when at home, the crowd with their energy and enthusiasm. Plumlee has become especially beloved not only for his exuberant reactions on the bench, but his facetious personality off it that was highlighted in early-season videos for Duke Blue Planet.

“I’m more than just a basketball player, so it’s fun that people get to see a little bit of the fun I have off the court with my teammates and my brothers,” Plumlee said.

As the calendar flips to March, both Murphy and Plumlee admitted that not being able to help their teammates on the court has become more difficult. For now, though, they are content supporting their teammates from the bench, all the while quietly preparing for their chance next season.

And when they do finally hit the court, it will be with an invaluable year of experience under their belt.

CHECK OUT THE BLUE ZONE AT SPORTS.CHRONICLEBLOGS.COM

CLAXTON from page 7 effectively tossing my bracket strategy out the window. Nine times in the first round alone she based her prediction purely on which team was favored, even in those difficult eight-nine matchups.

But she did make some other well-informed selections, and made others using a smattering of very entertaining reasoning that I will certainly incorporate into my strategy in the future. For example, Wisconsin will beat Montana “because they’re better at football.” Notre Dame has the advantage over Xavier “because they have a great reputation in a lot of sports.” St. Louis will beat Memphis “because I haven’t picked an upset for a while.” And Purdue will beat St. Mary’s because “St. Mary’s sounds like a girls’ college.” Take that, Gaels!

When asked about the Creighton-Alabama game, my Auburn-bound sister paused for a moment then said, “Um, Creighton, of course.” She also showed some favoritism toward our two home-state teams, Colorado and Colorado State, giving both the Buffaloes and Rams victories in the first game—because they were hot at the end of the year—before seeing them fall to thirdseeded foes in the next round.

To my pleasant surprise, her Final Four selections appear to have been fairly well thought out. Florida State gets through the East, because they beat North Carolina and Duke twice apiece during the year. Kentucky comes out of the South, “because they’ve been No. 1 all season.” From the Midwest it’s Kansas, because she doesn’t like North Carolina, and Missouri will emerge from the West because, well, she’s not quite sure about that one.

Using her lines of logic as inspiration, I’ve overhauled how I break down each matchup and streamlined the process into four simple categories. My system is slightly more involved than what Ellie came up with, but the message is the same—keep it simple, because over-analysis is detrimental to success.

The first question I ask is whose strength is its opponent’s weakness? This usually takes the form of something obvious, like a star 7-foot center going against a team whose biggest player is a mere 6-foot-8.

Similarly, if a given team has a star that is clearly going to be the best player on the floor and can take over a game—send them through!

Playing styles are also important, and teams that live by the 3-pointer usually die somewhere in the neighborhood of the Sweet Sixteen or Elite Eight, if not earlier.

The ability to play defense and rebound becomes more and more critical as the tournament goes along.

The other two tiebreakers I use for early round games are recent outcomes and experience. If a team got hot and won its conference tournament—I’m looking at you Colorado—send them through! This works especially well in major conferences, as we saw with Connecticut last season. The year before, Duke showed us the value of experience, as a roster loaded with seniors and juniors carried the Blue Devils all the way to the title.

That’s it. If I can’t decide based on those criteria, I’ll call Ellie.

BASEBALL from page 7 Duke rallied in the ninth to load the bases with only one out, and designated hitter Jeff Kremer was at the plate representing the winning run. The Mountaineers were able to hold on, though, as Kremer and McCabe both went down swinging to end the game.

“I think they just out-hit us,” PiwnicaWorms said. “Our pitching did well; six runs in the midweek isn’t anything our offense shouldn’t be able to overcome.

We just didn’t get clutch hits when we needed to.”

The Blue Devils have lost seven games in a row heading into a three game series this weekend against No. 11 Miami at Durham Bulls Athletic Park.

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A tad too visible?

The term “Kony 2012” is a diers continue, or will the massfamiliar slogan for those who es whose clicks popularized the saw an Invisible Children video video fall into “slacktivism”— that went viral during the first contentment with the bare week of March. The organiza- minimum of charity? tion’s 30-minute documentary The video attracted masseeks to garner sive attention editorial support from through social viewers for its media. But as quest to arrest Joseph Kony, the all college students know, “likhead of the Ugandan Lord’s ing” something on Facebook Resistance Army. The militia is relatively effortless. Each employs children on the front- of us has a moral obligation line of battle, which is why Invis- to serve others, which cannot ible Children deems Kony one be so easily satisfied in a mere of the world’s war criminals. click. Yet this public display of While Joseph Kony’s crim- support, however trivial, can inality is not in question, the provide individuals with the amount of attention that the false feeling that they have Kony 2012 campaign will re- contributed sufficiently to a ceive in coming weeks—after cause. And this is a trap that the social media frenzy dies we should not fall into. down—should be.

On the whole, micro acWill genuine interest in the tions can have macro results— plight of Ugandan LRA sol- the actions of the individual

“

In the future there will be no textbooks, no books, no binders of paper, no notebooks. All students will carry around is an iPad, or an iPad like device. I’m jealous of future generations.

”

—“original_blue_devil” commenting on the story “Duke adopts online learning tools.”

See more at www.dukechronicle.com.

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Letters should not exceed 325 words; contact the editorial department for information regarding guest columns.

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can build to a substantive collective. The Facebook “like,” for those genuinely interested in aiding the Invisible Children campaign, should be simply a launching pad for increased action. In this case, the public discourse surrounding the Kony 2012 video led to the proposal of a resolution in Congress to expand the effort to stop Joseph Kony, but its passage is far from imminent and its efficacy is even more uncertain. Understandably, not everyone can or should board the next plane to Uganda to take action on the ground. But an individual could call his or her congressional representative to voice support for the resolution, for example.

The fact that the Kony 2012 video has reached 76 million views as of Tuesday

night, however impressive, will not necessarily translate into conflict resolution. Invisible Children succeeded in capitalizing on technology’s capabilities, spreading its message like wildfire via social media.

Now, the organization—and those who care about it— must mobilize its followers to create tangible action.

But, as with any cause, followers must not follow blindly, and should educate themselves about Invisible Children and the proposal to arrest Kony before devoting time or money. Invisible Children may be a relatively ineffective charity. It has generated uncoordinated energy about Kony, but a solution will require coordinated action by international actors.

Would-be activists should

investigate whether Invisible Children spends its money prudently before jumping on the bandwagon.

Today, March 14, the Duke Political Union and the Duke Partnership for Service are co-hosting an open dialogue on Kony 2012 led by Duke faculty. Those interested in continued pursuit of Invisible Children’s objectives should maximize such opportunities to explore the benefits and deficiencies of the campaign.

You may not be passionate about halting Kony’s actions in Uganda. But you will be passionate about some cause. And when you find that cause that inspires you, research it, understand it and take action. A Facebook “like” can get the ball rolling, but it is the action after that brings about real change.

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I

’m genuinely sorry for writing another column cess depends on the financial support and volunabout Joseph Kony. teerism of a broad base of supporters—need to Many of you are likely sick have a message that catches on with of reading about this by now, and more than just the typical bleeding chances are any temporary excitehearts. ment you might have had about the Now, there’s an inherent chalcause has vanished into a hazy world lenge here. The kinds of people of angry Facebook statuses. who are not usually committed I feel your pain—and I write to these kinds of movements are only to say that I think that’s very probably not going to be moved much the point. 75,150,482 views by long dissertations about the jeremy ruch (as of the editing of this column) complexities of sub-Saharan polimay seem like a lot, but even a tics. This means that there is gorun and tell that substantial flicker of interest in ing to be a natural tendency to not-for-profit causes among busy students and dumb things down or present simplified versions professionals is a fragile thing. And so I’m writ- of events (no surprise that this is precisely what ing this as a plea to the self-proclaimed genius- many detractors accuse Kony 2012 of doing). es who are spouting off on Facebook about the But this is true about anything. When Apple perils of uninformed activism: Proceed with tries to sell iPads, Apple doesn’t buy hours of adcaution. vertising space to give complex explanations of It is pointless to argue against healthy discus- why their products are technically superior. By sion and legitimate debate about the merits of In- the same token, the measure of success for folks visible Children, and I have no qualms with that. who feel Kony 2012 is an inferior cause shouldn’t But we should draw a firm distinction between be their insults of supporters but rather their those discussions and a new, more insidious up- ability to offer a concise description of why their shot of the video: holier-than-thou intellectualism. approach is superior.

This brought to you by folks of all stripes who have So instead of spending their days bemoaning deemed themselves arbiters of who gets to be in- our stupidity for watching and passing along Kony terested in this stuff.

2012, “real activists” might consider how Invisible One online cynic claims bewilderment at “why Children managed to attract so much sudden visthe people who usually bombarded me with cat ibility and try to replicate its success. Because I memes and status updates about getting high suspect the reason Kony 2012 is attracting higher and eating McDonald’s were suddenly fervent donations is not the result of a lack of public supsupporters of Ugandan children.” Similar senti- port for charities that donate a bigger percentage ments appear all over my news feed. of their revenue to aid.

And this is not an issue unique to this moveSo here’s my appeal to the high-minded cynment. The term “slacktivism” far predates Kony ics out there: Erase your angry statuses and take 2012 and refers to people who are judged to be down your blog posts. Take the cadre of folks unqualified to be involved in whatever the cause who already agree with you and go to the drawde jour may be. ing board. Figure out how you will convince But far from endorsing these kinds of intel- the ignoramuses of the world that your cause lectual contests, I’d submit that the success of is worth five minutes of their time. That is to Kony 2012—or any movement, for that mat- say, stop trying to deflate the bubble of interter—should be judged precisely by the number est generated by Kony 2012 and start trying to of cat meme potheads (and the like) that have replicate it. expressed interest.

If Kony 2012 oversimplified the situation in I say this because the “real activists” (the Uganda, create a more compelling video that ones who were already experts on child warfare corrects it. If they don’t donate enough of their long before Kony 2012 reared its supposedly revenue to aid, design a campaign that highlights simplistic head) are involved anyway. Facebook your sparkly financials. does not check its success by how many social Do not condescend to the people who are not networking gurus sign up; critical mass only oc- natural enthusiasts. curred when it managed to attract people who They’re the ones you need the most. were not natural consumers (that is, to say, geeks).

Jeremy Ruch is a Trinity junior. His column runs evBy the same token, not-for-profits—whose suc- ery other Wednesday.

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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012 | 11

commentaries

Activism, just for kits

F

acebook, Twitter and YouTube are plat- sasters daily in local, national and global areforms that enable the viral spread of In- nas. We think we’re no longer ignorant, that ternet tidbits. I find it all terrifying. As we’re now cognizant of the world’s problems. revolutionary as these websites With so many things going are in this age of information wrong, we feel guilty and want saturation, they still propel a to help. It’s this desperate need marriage between personal and to help solve the problems that public information that’s entirewe are now more aware of that ly overwhelming. And I find the drives us to do something— rush of facts, stories and media anything—to help them, to that bombards our generation displace the guilt and uncomso completely deeply unsettling. fortable feelings that rise from ellie bullard It’s exhausting to lose ignorance exposure. And yet, we don’t as we know it as an option. really know what we can do Kony 2012 appeals directly to because we don’t, and perhaps the guilt associated with such a loss of ignorance can’t, understand how we could help. and innocence. The campaign offers a way for How handy is it, then, that the Kony 2012 viewers to redeem themselves, and takes a sim- campaign comes with its very own action kit? plistic approach that assumes viewers will easily Doesn’t it makes you feel pretty warm and fall for a hero-villain-victim narrative. fuzzy? I remember watching the video in its Obviously, many people have. The video indie glory: the end with the black and white has apparently become the most viral in his- people hugging, the youth putting up posters tory, with 100 million views in 6 days. No mat- in tunnels by night, dubstep blaring. It’s easy ter what the arguments are for and against the to want to be a part of this movement. Plus, the campaign, it remains that the organization, In- campaign allows one to take simple steps that visible Children, assumes it will garner support supposedly render you—not policymakers, by appealing to emotions rather than hard not the military, not the victims of Kony, but facts in their video. The battle cry to #stopkony tiny little you—the hero of the saga. You’re the isn’t tempered with reflections about what the one sparking change and saving lives, even if specific problems are in Uganda, or what can it just means plastering a poster to a corridor, be done to ameliorate them. That’s why the or putting a sticker on your car. If you watched video works—it’s a simple concept that people the film, it made you feel pretty damn great can take in superficial stride. about your role in the world.

Any activist or aid organization has to But there’s something fundamentally, identify a problem and attach a solution to deeply wrong with making us the hero. fix it. Identifying a problem involves making When we make ourselves the protagonists it simple enough for people to swallow, and of a struggle like this, we leave those that we dire and sexy enough for people to jump on are “saving” powerless. We use their struggle the bandwagon. Identifying a small, pithy, to make ourselves seem conscientious, well catchy problem also allows for the creation of informed and active world citizens. The a manageable solution. A movement is born if Kony 2012 campaign lets us be narcissistic. such problem-identifiers neatly and narrowly It lets us boast. We can post on our Facebook package a country or group’s problems and timeline all the good we’re doing for the give people reasonable directions on how to poor, helpless souls in Uganda. We can wear donate or show support.

T-shirts and bracelets to show our solidarity.

Kony 2012 plays perfectly into this para- We can sign petitions, we can be in videos, digm, but it’s not the only one. Every single we can tweet—all to let the world know that other activist group has had to do this, from we’re concerned and troubled by these big, the civil rights movement to the “Free Tibet” sexy world problems. This type of “activism” campaign. Movements are rarely about un- announces that we care about, not necessarderstanding something. They’re about doing ily about the people that apparently need something. our help so desperately.

Therein lies the essential friction—with Don’t blindly let Kony 2012 make you the the influx of the information age, we find star of this saga. Because you’re not. ourselves exposed to a new map of the world’s problems, updated in real time. We are alertEllie Bullard is a Trinity junior. Her column ed to surface-level problems and crises and di- runs every other Wednesday.

lettertotheeditor After reading Duke’s definition of hazing in a recent Chronicle article (“More than 10 groups investigated for hazing” on Feb. 22), I have another organization to add to the list of offenders. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, but I hear that’s common—you get so wrapped up in being a member of the group that you’re blind to how unacceptable what you’re being asked to do really is. In my case, that group is Duke University itself.

If you thought that hazing was the exclusive domain of sadistic fraternity leadership, think again. Level I violations include such reprehensible activities as “road trips, periods of silence and standing for a length of time.” When I drive six hours to get to Duke, have to stay silent in class for over an hour, or even freshman year when I had to stand in that huge line at the Marketplace just to get the food Duke made me buy, I felt hazed. I checked with my mom, and she agreed, so you know it’s hazing. And

that’s not even counting the times Duke has hazed me on a Level II basis (“sleep deprivation or interruption of consecutive sleep hours”—finals week anybody?). At least Duke hasn’t branded me—yet.

Yes, I engage in all of these behaviors willingly. But that’s no excuse, as has been made abundantly clear; a few pledge brothers taking a car ride to Falls Lake is hazing whether they want to go or not.

So what are we going to do about this pervasive culture of hazing maintained by our administration? Given that individual leaders are accountable for their group’s hazing, and given the severity and overwhelming number of hazing incidents (over 1,400 students per class), precedent demands that the administrators responsible be brought to justice. I’ll leave it to Larry Moneta to decide exactly what punishment to give himself.

Sam Weil, Trinity ’13

The Socialites

Duke, will you accept this rose?

I

have a really, really good idea.

I’m not what you would call a girly girl. I’m oft described as a “bro,” and friends have guessed at the length of my (giant) figurative penis. So it took until this Spring break for me to discover “The Bachelor.” After extensive Wikipedia searching and estrogen injections, I think I understand the premise. And I have an idea that will finally earn me enough money to build an island in Dubai and genetically engineer a red panda/baby otter hybrid. It is the number one best lillie reed idea in the history of ideas. Or number wumbology two, flanked by “Tailgates on Central 2012” and “Let’s NOT go to Devine’s and just hang out without paying instead.” My idea is a new TV show: “The Bachelor: Duke University.”

So here’s how it goes down. First, we have to find Duke’s hottest bachelor. This could be difficult. As much complaint as there is about the girls at Duke, the guys aren’t much to write home about— or tweet or pin or whatever the cool kids are doing these days. I guess we’re just an unattractive bunch of people. After narrowing it down to Duke’s top 40 bachelors (and then making sure they’re into women, taking about 75 percent of Duke’s hottest sexyboythangs off the market), we could probably choose by making the potential bachelors live in a tent for months, so as to keep with tradition. The incentive: sexy ladies, and a reward that almost all Duke students want, like a job at Goldman Sachs or the answer key to the MCAT. Then we need 20 Duke bachelorettes. This should be as easy as finding a Friday 3 a.m. Domino’s binge. Just follow the sounds of “Boys here are just so lame! I wish there was a way we could meet new people!!”

Give those b****es the Duke Bachelor. B****es love “The Bachelor.”

The show would start off with Duke-style dates so the ladies can meet the Bachelor in a comfortable setting. I recommend the Loop (so he can pay on food points) and study-sex. Now I don’t really know how “The Bachelor” normally goes down, but I imagine it’s something like “Legends of the Hidden Temple,” minus the terrifying temple guards. The challenges would measure contestants’ college girlfriend skills, like carrying the dead weight of a drunk boy across campus, avoiding roommates and snagging the correct boy toy at Shooters. (Also known as “how well can you identify a person by the shape of their gyrating pelvis against your butt?”) I’d also like to try to incorporate sumo wrestling. Maybe not.

As the number of remaining girls dwindles, things will get fancier. As I understand it, “The Bachelor” takes its final contestants on some sort of fantasy getaway. I figure the WaDuke is good enough.

Charlene will whisk the contestants away in Durham’s safest rides to an amazing private weekend with the boy they now love oodles, somehow looking beyond his simultaneous relationships with four other girls. Whatever, Mormonism seems legit.

Then there is the discussion panel, where all the former contestants come back and complain about the remaining two candidates.

They’ll discuss how Lauren is one of those girls who is only nice to boys and how Maria has a third nipple or whatever spiteful biddies talk about when they get together. This will obviously be my favorite part.

In order to make it especially catty, I’m going to lace everyone’s drinks with Four Loko. Nothing gets ladies riled up like heart palpitations. I’ll just sit back and watch the caffeine/alcohol-infused b****fest ensue, occasionally yelling about how Sophie OBVIOUSLY wore that dress better than Kate and how Jen is a backstabbing, slut-faced hoebag.

In the eloquent words of Lil Jon: It’s about to be a—WHAT?! GIRLFIIIIGHT! But who will receive the final Duke Bachelor rose (which obviously takes the form of a bag of bin candy or a not-Crat handle)? After considering the reputation of each girl’s sorority, a few drunken emotional breakdowns and a frank discussion of blowjob ability, the decision is made. It is then that the Duke Bachelor proposes to his Bachelorette and they become a “thing” for a few months before it becomes an emotionless bore and awkwardly “fizzles.”

It’ll be perfect because by our very nature, we Dukies are competitive. Whether it’s studying, sports or socializing, Duke students go big or go home, with the ultimate goal of the best job, the NCAA title or whatever you get for having the highest social status (I imagine it’s a talking hamster that tells you how pretty you are). Good or bad, much of Duke is fueled by its students’ drive to be and do better than others. So why not make the already competitive Duke hookup scene into an ACTUAL COMPETITION?! It’s FOOLPROOF! I await your call, ABC. Have my panda/otter waiting.

Lillie Reed is a Trinity sophomore. Her installation of the weekly Socialites

12 | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012

THE CHRONICLE