April 1, 2019

Page 1

The Chomicle T H E B E ST D A M N T H I N G Y O U ’ L L E V E R R E A D

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS, YEET DUKECHRONICLE.COM

See Inside Duke ranked no. 2 for campus squirrels Page -1 LONG FREAKING TIME, WHOLE LOT OF ISSUES

Nugget eats Peaches Closest C1 in middle of Atlantic Ocean By Ma Mabean Cat Correspondent

Nugget has prevailed over Peaches. In a post to the Facebook group “Caretakers of Peaches (The Calico Cat)” Monday morning, a student confirmed that Peaches has been eaten. The student wrote that she heard meowing from Nugget’s stomach early this morning. Nugget, the dog, confirmed to The Chomicle that she ate Peaches, the cat. “There’s only room for one animal named after food on this campus,” Nugget barked. Witnesses said that Nugget swallowed Peaches in one gulp. When students looked inside Nugget’s mouth, they found Peaches peering out. “Meow,” Peaches said. Students quickly tried to remove Peaches, but she would not come out. One student remarked that she looked rather cozy inside Nugget. Students took Nugget to the veterinarian to get Peaches removed. After a few yanks, Peaches was freed. “Congrats, it’s a cat!” the vet exclaimed.

Chomicle suspended pending hazing investigation By Noe Hayz Pledge Master

The Chomicle was suspended Friday night pending the results of a hazing investigation. An anonymous source on The Chomicle’s staff said that the investigation centered on the paper forcing new members to cover meetings of DSG’s House of Commons, which convenes on the third floor of West Union. Hazing also included sleep deprivation and eating Il Forno pasta four nights per week. This is not the first time that Commons meetings have caused controversy for the student newspaper. In 2016, a staff writer for The Chomicle was taken to the hospital and treated for dehydration after the annual budget meeting. “It was awful,” she said. “The meeting lasted twenty-two hours, and the editors told me I would be fired if I left the room to get something to drink. They said watching every moment was my ‘sacred duty as a defender of journalistic integrity.’” However, she noted she chose to cover the meeting of her own accord. “Worst decision of my life,” she said. Junior Brad Ham, The Chomicle’s editor-in-chief, denied the allegations. “This is preposterous,” Ham said. “Commons meetings are the most exciting part of my week, personally.” Ham then inexplicably burst into laughter. A senior editor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the forced eating of pasta at frequent intervals was also concerning, as she snuck a chip out from under her desk.

Rushing to your 10:05 class? Well, you might be a few By Cee Too eons late because the nearest C1 is in the middle of the Maritime Transit Correspondent Atlantic Ocean. Its estimated time of arrival is 234832490832409823 minutes, or about 0.45 trillion years. According to Slowe Lee, director of parking and transportation services (PTS), the Rider app’s prediction, shockingly, is correct. “We decided to shift the C1’s route this week to truly connect all of Duke’s campuses,” Lee wrote via Snapchat. “We felt that it was important that Duke Kunshan University, Duke-NUS Medical School in Singapore and even Duke in D.C. be able to experience the glory of PTS.” According to Lee, however, the real genius of the project is the collaboration between PTS and the Duke Marine Lab. “It’s quite a challenge to get an entire full-length Novabus LRS Artic I to autonomously travel from Durham to Singapore, especially since busses do not float,” said Ona Bøaat, professor of the practice in environmental engineering. “We also wanted to be carbon neutral, so we ended up going with an experimental solar-sail design.” Although the modified C1 uses 100 percent renewable energy, the vehicle is only able to manage a top speed of 10 meters per hour, which explains the long wait time. “We are hoping to get the maximum speed up to 120 meters per hour,” said Osean Larj, a graduate student who worked on the project. First-year Amber Mary Leigh Anne expressed outrage at the changes. “Do they expect us to walk?” she wrote in a Bumble direct message. Anne has started a petition on Change.org asking the administration to limit the C1 to domestic trips only. “I mean, I still want to be able to get to D.C. easily to visit my boyfriend,” she wrote. “He works at McKinsey.” In response, Lee noted that he wanted to remind everyone that PTS only changes bus routes after an extremely careful and lengthy ridership analysis. Plus, according to Lee, the weekend bus schedule has not been altered. “You should still be able to get from East Campus to West Campus in no more than 193 minutes on the weekends, just like always,” he wrote. Riders currently aboard the C1 were unable to be reached for comment via satellite phone, VHF radio or message in a bottle.

New York Philharmonic to headline LDOC By Phil Harmonic Classical Music Correspondent

The New York Philharmonic will headline this year’s LDOC concert, according to a Sunday announcement. This will be the Philharmonic’s first appearance for a last day of classes concert. The LDOC committee explained that this presented the exciting prospect of getting hammered while listening to Beethoven’s Ninth. “Honestly, we really could not risk having to find someone to replace the headliner like last year,” admitted an exasperated LDOC committee member. “So we decided to hire a 106-member orchestra instead. If one of them cancels, the show will still go on.” The orchestra’s trip to Duke comes on the heels of the Los Angeles Philharmonic’s performance at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill last year, when the concert ended in disaster after students carried a piano off the stage and smashed several 1712 Stradivarius violins. Multiple octogenarians expressed excitement at an LDOC performer they’ve finally heard of. “The last time I got hammered to the New York Philharmonic was back in 1965,” one professor emeritus said. Many students were confused about the actual headliner. “Fill Our Gin and Tonic?” one student asked.

Cameron Indoor’s rims revolt

Local pre-med tired

The rims inside Cameron Indoor Stadium have gone on strike in protest of Zion’s dunks. PAGE AUDITORIUM

Sources say she got a 54 on her last Orgo parents unhappy. PAGING A

INSIDE — News 2 | Sports 4 | Crossword 9 | Opinion 10 | Serving the University since 1905 |

Chomicle Graphics

Ruby lounge goes Italian exam, PREMED

Remy and his friends are taking over Duke’s new arts center with a culinary plan. PAGE PET PATROL

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