April 1, 2010

Page 1

The Chomicle the best damn thing you’ll ever read

the morning after hump day, AvRIL 1, 2010

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTH YEAR, Issue abc

http://bit.ly/7FSF1Y

DSG backs ‘green’ fund Students: ‘Aw yeah....’ by Exta$y Purr and DJ Z-Money THE CHRONCILE TIMES

desks—and increasing revenue by selling advertising space on campus. In just the last 36 hours, more than eight large billboards have sprouted on West Campus, providing the University with an estimated $50 million in increased funding. “The corporate sponsorship is necessary to maintaining our academic integrity,” Wideskull remarked. “Otherwise, we’d be resorting to faculty bake[d] sales.”

Students voted to go green Wednesday in an unusual way. In a landslide instant runoff vote, Duke Student Growers approved a $40,200 fund to subsidize the purchase of marijuana for ‘broing out.’ The ganja green fund will also pay for small bongs and pipes for student organizations. Students will not be permitted to use DSG funds for vaporizers or gravity bongs. “Dude, this funds is gonna like, bring people together, man,” said DSG Funding Pre$ident Dave Whaaa, a senior. “This is the most efficient use of student dollars to bring the most enjoyment.” DSG Senior President WaWa Noir did not support the resolution. “No way in hell,” she said. “I’ll take a cold 40 over a dank dub any day.” Noir proceeded to shotgun a Busch Light and kick a hole in the wall. DSG President-elect Lite Myfire said the fund will enable students from all socioeconomic groups to enjoy a universal pastime. “I’m down for some Olympic bro-ing out,” senior Vinnie Vines said in his smokefilled dorm room. “Want a hit?” The Circle Cafe will offer special brownies on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and

See toyotathon deals on page 123

See hash me bro’ in basement

doomsday illustration by mickey ‘chroncesty’ nac/selling our soul

THIS SPACE FOR SALE, CALL 919-684-BONE. THIS SPACE FOR SALE, CALL 919-684-COME. THIS SPACE FOR SALE, CALL 919-684-ANOD. THIS SPACE FOR SALE,

Starving for cash, Duke sells out

Basic math error leads officials to overlook $900 million deficit by #Eazy Eight

THE floor street Financial elitist

The recession has left its mark on Duke. What administrators revealed in February to be a $100 million budget deficit is actually a $1.00 billion shortfall, Executive Vice President Shortdude Asks confirmed. The figure discrepancy is the result of slight rounding errors in estimated endowment losses. The Gothic in Wonderland-themed Financial Report caused calculation difficulties because the psychedelic color coding

and number-matching was hard to read, especially in 3-D, officials said. “NBD, just dropped a zero or two, it’ll work out,” Asks said. “You’d be surprised how hard it is to do math when you’re wearing these special glasses and lots of colored dollar signs keep growing bigger and bigger.” President Rick Wideskull announced Wednesday a 100-year plan to gradually reduce the new deficit. Portions of the plan call for physically reducing the number of seats available in classrooms—leaving just

Mixup gives NERDs revenge

ADMISSIONS in length Part IV: battling athletics

Admissions cuts recruit, blames March Madness

by Racer Trupp

THE chroncile times

by Doughy smh and H&H

The future of the Duke Basketball program took a significant hit yesterday when the Office of Admissions dropped the ball. Ayrie Kirving, the No. 1 point guard in the Class of 2010, received word that a mixup in the application process resulted in his rejection. “I was just watching March Madness on my laptop during the admissions meeting and I was completely zoned out,” said Cristóbal Buenosdías, dean of undergraduate admissions. “Whatevs [sic], one Final Four every six years is good enough for me.”

Students and concert go-ers looking forward to a night of arena-style hip hop will be sorely disappointed tonight. A terrible typo has led the Duke United Undergraduates to book NERDs—a traveling group of Carolina Institute of Technology professors and students—instead of N.E.R.D. rappers Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo. “Who knew punctuation was so important?” said DUU Central Committee Chair Chair Max Beret. “They sounded pretty legit on the phone.” The CarTech group will be rapping about the agricultural history of North Carolina and enlightening the crowd on a different kind of Bedrock. Their hits include “Plow Dat” and “You’s a Ho-Down.” CarTech front man Jimbo Digger said the group was pleased to finally headline before an audience in which livestock will constitute a negligible portion of the crowd. “We’s reel excitahed to play for the kids,” Digger wrote in a statement. “This mightcould be the bass day in our whole lahfs.” Kid Cudi said he would not withdraw from the event, although he did request that 16 additional bottles of moon-

See too hungry, not humble on the daily tar hole

See Pratt in hudson

Recess Readership at Zero Most likely, a new Tailgate policy will debut Sept. 5, V106 S3

Study confirms that in spite of myriad mentions of boobs, no one f—ing reads Recess, THE WEEDICLE

illustration of nerds by a nerd/The chomicle

CarTech group NERDs will perform its hit single “You’s a Ho-Down” alongside Kid Cudi in Cameron tonight.

ONTHERECORD

“I just don’t see how... such mediocre teams could attract a billion people to the Midwest.”

­—Indy mayor Peyton Manning, on canceling the Final Four. See public outrage


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