It's The All '80s All Snowdown Issue by Ballantine Communications

art entertainment food drink music nightlife Thursday, January 28, 2016

DGO

It’s the

all ’80s

all snow

down

issue From the best of the Follies and events not to miss, to ’80s trivia, ’80s bands and terrible ’80s beer, we devoted it all to Durango’s most bitchin’ week of the year.

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DGO Magazine

Staff

What’s inside Volume 1 Number 14

January 28, 2016

Chief Executive Officer Douglas Bennett V.P. of Finance and Operations Bob Ganley V.P. of Advertising David Habrat V.P. of Marketing

10 Six Snowdown events not to miss

From the Editor

We’ve highlighted some of the most popular, cool, gnarly and radical events at Snowdown 2016 for you, no advance tickets necessary.

Love it or Hate it

Sound

Kricket Lewis Founding Editors Amy Maestas Katie Klingsporn Editor/ designer/ art director David Holub dholub@bcimedia.com

Shaun Stanley/BCI Media

»» Participants in this year’s Snowdown Fashion Do’s and Don’ts look out at the audience before performing at the La Plata County Fairgrounds Wednesday.

375-4551 Staff writer Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

Get Smart about ’80s trivia You’re going to need some help in prepping for Snowdown and all its pop culture-related festivities. Let local trivia guru Ted Holteen of Super Ted’s Super Trivia tell you all about the ’80s.

Katie Cahill Roger Cottingham Christopher Gallagher Katie Klingsporn Bryant Liggett Jon E. Lynch Heather Narwid Cyle Talley Advertising 247-3504 Reader Services 375-4570

DGO is a free weekly publication distributed by Ballantine Communications, Inc., and is available for one copy per person. Taking more than five copies of an edition from a distribution location is illegal and is punishable by law according to Colorado Revised Statute 18-9-314.

Beer

16 Movies 17 Pages 18 Weed

Seeing Through the Smoke 18

Review 19

Contributors

Robert Alan Wendeborn

As always, this year’s Snowdown Follies performance is filled with references to pop culture, politics and local escapades.

Album Review 7 9

14 Best from the Follies

David Holub

Downtown Lowdown

Style Fetish: Accessorizing for Snowdown Hair, makeup, accessories and attitude can really send your look back in time to seem authentic, not costumey. Extra attention to detail is what wins Snowdown costume contests, and is worth it after spending time, creative energy and cash on a killer outfit!

Tell us what you think! Got something on your mind? Have a joke or a story idea or just something that the world needs to know? Send everything to editor@dgomag.com

15 Secrets of a weed shop employee Sure, every Snowdown theme over the years has sparked amazing, creative costumes. But, face it, some of our community-selected themes have been more inspiring than others.

Netflix and chill ‑ 420 edition 19

20 Savage Love 21 Happening 23 Horoscope/ puzzles/ Bizarro

/dgomag /dgomag

@dgo_mag

On the cover A Member of the act “Enlightenmen ...t” performs in an electric suit at the Snowdown Follies Tuesday night at the Durango Arts Center. Jerry McBride/BCI Media

DGO Magazine is published by Ballantine Communications Inc., P.O. Drawer A, Durango, CO 81302

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@dg

[ love it or hate it ]

[CTRL-A]

David Holub |DGO editor

The ’80s Love it

Give your morals a rest, we all need a little freakiness “I think I saw the outline of my neighbor’s penis in his pleather pants.”

hat was an actual line I heard after the Snowdown Follies on Tuesday night at the Strater Theatre. Normally, it’s the kind of comment I’d deem rude or sophomoric. But after the Follies, through all the crassness, low-brow hijinks, innuendo, debauchery and hyper-sexualization of, well, everything, it struck me as precisely the sentiment that makes the Follies – and as an extension, Snowdown – special, great even. As we know by now, Snowdown has become the time of year – maybe the only time of year – when we give ourselves and our neighbors permission to let the freakiness come out, where social niceties don’t apply, when we shed pleasantries, where decorum is given temporary reprieve, where a what-happens-at-Snowdown-stays-atSnowdown attitude pervades. Snowdown gives us a chance to become the performers, the fashion models, the costume designers, the exhibitionists, to do things we might not normally do, to get a tad crazier than we might on your average Thursday. The Follies, the year’s hot ticket, are all of that in the purest, most concentrated form. These are normal people, your bank tellers and mechanics and dental hygienists and landlords. And there they are for all to see, lying onstage, writhing like Madonna in a wedding dress; making dirty jokes dressed as the governor; or wearing a goofy cowboy costume, singing a meanspirited, crass song that manages to be both misogynist and homophobic. I’ll admit: I’m a comedy snob. Like a huge, off-putting, not-fun-to-be-around comedy snob. In theory, the Follies are definitely not my brand. But for the sake of the performers, thank god we have sewer plant issues in this town or else performers would have had to try even harder to incorporate all those poopy and pee-pee jokes into their acts.

And I’d say there were a few more artificial phalluses than I expected. Just when I thought there would be no more fake penisia, they just kept keep growing out of people’s pants. We never saw it, but I suspect even the host playing Caitlyn Jenner was wearing one, just to get into character. (Though I was confused the whole time: It seems like the whole point of having one host play Bruce Jenner and the other Caitlyn would be for a woman to play Bruce – which she clearly was – but for a man to play Caitlyn. Seems obvious, right?) But the atmosphere, the energy in the air, the raucousness was electric, and I found myself playing along, whooping, whistling, booing, hissing, heckling (Donald Trump, mainly). My favorite act of the night was the set of dancers disguised beneath what looked like body-sized pillow cases, working their arms and legs in coordination to an ’80s Top 40 medley. I could only wonder where the idea came from. With the ’80s on my mind, it was as if I’d seen it as small child in a toothpaste commercial, people dancing inside oversized pillowcases and it all made weird, dream-like, trippy sense. The performers certainly fed off the energy in the theater and returned it graciously to the audience, which then gave it all back to the performers to create a reciprocal feedback loop of bawdy, refreshing raucousness. And isn’t that the excessive essence of Snowdown itself, where we feed off the communal energy. We put weeks and months of effort into our costumes, our performances, because we know we won’t be the only ones. Follies performers aren’t pros, just regular people who’ve admirably put themselves out there to do something fun, courageous, outrageous. You might see these people this time next week, maybe it’s at yoga or maybe they’re stocking shelves or selling you a car. You’ll think, “Where do I know that person from?” And then an image of them in a bad wig pops into your head and you’ll say, “Ah, Snowdown.”

I was dressed in pleated acid-washed jeans and my sister had a hairspray-shellacked mullet. I loved to mix and match my scrunchy socks so the colors played off my puff-painted Keds, and my mom rocked giant angular shoulder pads. I’ll admit: The fashion wasn’t always on-point in the ’80s. But so much else about that era was. Where to begin? Like a Virgin. Alf. Side poneys. My Little Poneys. Peewee’s Playhouse and the time-traveling DeLorean. Tiger Beat magazine. The Mannequin and anything by MJ. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Spandex and Conan the Barbarian. ET and Mr. T. Molly Ringwald. Care Bear stares. Swatch watches. That amazing music video for “Take On Me” where they go into the comic. As much MTV as I could stuff into my little developing brain. I’m a child of the ’80s, so memories of the decade are imbued with carefree innocence and Punky Brewster aspirations. I sang Whitney Houston in the shower, made up dances to Tiffany songs and dreamed of getting a lift from Patrick Swayze a la Baby in “Dirty Dancing.” I thought Winnie Cooper was cruel and devoured books like The Outsiders and Sweet Valley High – and anything by Judy Blume. The ’80s taught me that brains are better than brawns (“Teen Witch”), that money isn’t enough (“Can’t Buy Me Love”) and that even teenagers banned from dancing can bust some Flashdance-worthy moves (“Footloose”). When skinny jeans and neon and synth-pop came back into style, I sighed a breath of relief. It’s like being home. —— Katie Klingsporn

Hate it Sure the ’80s popularized such amazingness as the mullet, jams, pastel sweaters draped over shoulders with sleeves tied in dainty knots, the rise of the monster truck (the only credible Bigfoot sightings of the decade, though “Harry and the Hendersons” changed my life), when divisive walls were coming down instead exclusionary xenophobic promises of walls going up. But let me rain on your glitzy pop-culture obsessed Snowdown parade for a minute and be a real bummer. Here are a few reasons the ’80s were terrible: Wal-Mart went from a sleepy regional chain to the most profitable retailer in the country, spelling the end of thousands of unique Mom and Pops. The ’80s were the birth of such toxic entities like Focus on the Family, with the huckster-hypocrite Jerry Falwell, the so-called silent majority and the birth of the divisive and totally anti-Biblical political hoodwinking of the “religious” right that would poison the nation’s political system right up to, well, right now. to Ted Cruz. Coke and Pepsi switched to high fructose corn syrup in 1984, the epitome of a chemical-obsessed, corn-based, processed-obsessed factory food system, where greed-is-good corporate profits superseded healthiness. The decade started with the assassination of John Lennon, the eruption of Mount St. Helens and frightening beginnings of the AIDS epidemic, which the president, for one, actively ignored for eight crucial years, willing to let people die because of ignorance surrounding a “gay disease.” Sorry ’80s, but you pretty much sucked. —— David Holub

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[Get Smart: Expert Advice on Trivial Affairs]

’80s trivia In all likelihood, you were conceived after a night of drinking and singing along to Hootie and the Blowfish, so you’re going to need some help in prepping for Snowdown and all its festivities. Let local trivia guru Ted Holteen of Super Ted’s Super Trivia (Tuesday nights at Ska Brewing) tell you all about the ’80s. He was there. How was music in the ’80s? Oh God, not good. Kajagoogoo is not Led Zepplin. I graduated in ’86 and it’s freaking Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer.” Not the same musical legacy, you know. Terrible, terrible. Very plastic. Culture Club. Bad. Duran Duran wasn’t that bad. I was a weird kid, though. I went to this Christian school in Philadelphia when I was in the eighth grade and I got into hip-hop in like ’82, ’83. Grandmaster Flash and Curtis Blow and all that kinda shit. That’s more my ’80s music. Early Public Enemy and whatnot. I never got into the hair bands, but they were big. Poison, White Snake, all that shit. The ’80s really was a musical black hole. Even the good ones were doing bad music in the ’80s. I love David Bowie dearly, but the Glass Spider tour, or whatever the hell that was – blech. The Stones were making bad music, for Chrissake. Madonna, Michael Jackson – it was the age of pop music, rather than good music. I mean, Flock of Seagulls – what are you doing? Why are you dressed like that? Do you have a guitar, please? People were using goddamn keytars! I mean, my god. You’re a history buff. What events stick out to you? Jesus, the Challenger, first off. I was taking midterms in January and between classes, me and a buddy went to smoke some weed and we watched the Challenger explode live. Something was always blowing up in Lebanon, the Subway Vigilante, eight years of Reagan – talk about ridiculous. It was like “Leave It To Beaver” 30 years later. The guy lived in a dream world. Cold War, and everything. 1980 – the hockey team. I was 12 and watched the Miracle on Ice. I voted for Michael Dukakis in my first presidential election. How about television? It’s funny to watch some of those old shows. The most popular ones were “The Cosby Show,” “Cheers.” Most of the ’80s shows are really dated. Thank God that TV writing has gotten more intelligent since the whole “Family Ties” thing. It seems like every line in those old shows

was a set-up for a gag. “Facts of Life” was basically line-line-line-punchline. Those formulaic sitcoms are remembered with nostalgia, but if you actually watch them, they’re just terrible. Movies? Movies were a bit better. Hollywood did all right, actually. “Platoon,” a lot of the John Hughes stuff – “Breakfast Club” in particular was decent. Anthony Michael Hall was the funniest person on the planet for the first three years of the decade – and then he wasn’t. But shit, “Vacation,” “Weird Science” and “Sixteen Candles” – gold. Oh, and “Scarface.” Best movie of the ’80s.

David Holub/DGO

»» Ted Holteen tallies scores at a recent bout of Super Ted’s Super Trivia at Ska World Headquarters.

Fashion? It was almost cartoonish. We just looked ridiculous. Frankie Says Relax, the neon crap, Jordache, Sasson, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein. The big hair, the mullets – the MULLETS! People made an effort to look that way! Any other decade was kind of funny – leather jackets in the ’50s, tie-dye in the ’60s, bell bottoms in the ’70s, but everything about the ’80s was just “You’re a f#$%ing douche.” You’re not proud of your era, are you? Put into any historical context, it’s actually embarrassing. I mean, we had nothing. There was no war to protest, no social conscience. We had “Rambo.” And people took him seriously. It’s stunning. Give the youngsters some tips on pop culture. Slang? One-liners?

Illustration by David Holub/ DGO

“Where’s the beef?” from that damn Wendy’s commercial. Listen to Frank Zappa’s tune, “Valley Girl.” It’s all in there. “Like oh my God,” and “Totally,” and “Gag me with a spoon!” Dress wise, my god, I remember a lot of white pants, the blazers with the sleeves rolled up, the Members Only jackets. There’s a line from Family Guy where they’re watching “Charles In Charge” and Quagmire goes, “Nobody has any muscle tone,” and it’s very true. I don’t know what that was all about. Here’s one for you, what the hell is ALF? Alien Life Form. He, uh, he crash-landed and ended up living in the Tanner’s attic. Had a thing about eating cats, as I recall. He was a wise-cracking alien ... puppet. And somehow a network bought that. The shit that the TV networks used to put on! Just preposterous. What a time to be writing crap scripts. “Simon and Simon,” crime-fighting brothers. Wanna buy that and put it on? Yeah? (sighs) It was a cultural void. — Cyle Talley Cyle Talley was born in 1986 and used to have a recurring nightmare about ALF. Hence the question.

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[sound]

Downtown Lowdown | Bryant Liggett

The 10 best ’80s bands

he awkward and awesome contribution to music from the 1980s deserves some form of recognition. Michael Jackson, Madonna or Men at Work, or the one-hit wonders from Buckner and Garcia in “Pac Man Fever” or Red Riders “Lunatic Fringe” were all, for better or worse, memorable contributions to the decade. It was also an Atlantis of early independent music, a treasure of great country, punk and heavy metal still yet to be discovered by some ears, and continued to be celebrated by those from the first time around. It laid a foundation for independent rock, rap and alternative country. Some of the following are favorites, others with impact deserving of eternal recognition.

(you may or may not have heard of)

Bryant’s best Friday: Diabolical Sound Platoon record release party, 9 p.m. No cover. The Balcony Backstage, 600 Main Ave., upstairs. Information: 764-4083. Sunday: Bluegrass and Americana with Blue Moon Ramblers, 7 p.m. No cover. Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave. 375-7150.

9. The Beat Farmers

8. Metallica

7. The Talking Heads

6. X

Their career spanned decades, but it was the 1980s that saw the release of “Paul’s Boutique,” lyrically an eternity of references and a sampling masterpiece.

The cow-punk outfit was the drunken bull in a china shop of a band, playing rock the shitkickers could like and country the burnouts and punks could dig. On stage they were a juggernaut, breaking glass and spilling drinks while swimming in rock and country.

Recent years have made purists question Metallica. Yet between 1983 and 1986, they released “Kill Em’ All,” “Ride the Lightning” and “Master of Puppets,” three of the greatest metal records ever made.

While debuting in the ’70s as an early CBGB’s band, the 1980s brought radio hits, commercial success and recognition of David Byrne’s musical and genre-hopping genius.

The vocal pairing of Excene Cervenka and John Doe will forever remain the two voices I hear when anyone mentions the word “duet.” More musically sophisticated than their contemporaries, they were a punk band that lyrically captured seedy Los Angeles.

5. Hüsker Dü

4. Public Enemy

3. Minor Threat

2. The Minutemen

1. The Replacements

An early part of the legendary SST Records lineup, Hüsker Dü moved beyond punk, using speed and power along with form and function in their songwriting.

They hit the latter part of the decade like a bomb. Lyrically intelligent and musically powerful, they made sure rap was a social battle cry, not a novelty.

Even though only a fouryear run as a band, the D.C. hardcore outfit is still known for riff-heavy fury and motivational lyrics. They were a blunt, early author of the DIY ethos, providing anger and inspiration in two-minute, musical blasts.

This trio is still recognized in any genre as innovators lyrically, musically and ethically. They defied the limits of 1980s hardcore but were more punk than any of their contemporaries, letting free jazz, beat poetry and slicing guitar and rhythms define the genre.

The celebrated Replacements were beautifully disheveled and dangerously destructive. They were an unpredictable mess of rock with fantastic songs, led by a lyrical genius capable of inspiring slamdancing moments after making you cry in your beer.

10. The Beastie Boys

Let’s not forget: The Big Boys, The Bad Brains, The English Beat, Camper Van Beethoven, or Iron Maiden, Sonic Youth, Jesus and Mary Chain, Meat Puppets, The Pixies.

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[sound] What’s new Various Artists,‘Still in a Dream: Story of Shoegaze 1988-1995’ Available: Feb. 5 as an import, five cd box-set from Cherry Red Ah, the ’80s. So much horrible, terrible, wonderfully nostalgic music was made. Right alongside truly amazing, progressive and wildly influential music. It was, to me personally, perhaps the most influential decade, sonicly speaking. I am fortunate enough to look back on the ’80s through a reflective and revered lens having been just (barely) old enough to really, truly, appreciate the decade that gave rise to many of my favorite artists and classic records. Some of the greats of College Radio (Pixies, Camper Van Beethoven, The Replacements, R.E.M, The Smiths and Hüsker Dü), American punk and hardcore (Minor Threat, Bad Religion, Minutemen, Bad Brains and Black Flag) and the golden age of hip-hop (Run D.M.C, Public Enemy, N.W.A, Boogie Down Productions, Eric B & Rakim and Beastie Boys) are all of the ’80s That being said, one of my least favor-

ite names of all the subgenres of music also came from the ’80s: shoegaze. To be clear, I very much enjoy this style of music but loathe the genre identifier itself. Cherry Red Records, a label based in the U.K., has released a fairly comprehensive five-disc retrospective of the genre characterized by of heavy distortion and feedback and disaffected cool. The name itself was coined in the British press to mock those artist making light psychedelia and Brit/indie pop while staring straight down their shoe laces. Ugh. Still, this 87-track set collects rarities and classics alike and gives a better-than-comprehensive glance at the genre. Recommended if you’re a fan of ’80s shoegaze, 4AD Records, Pale Saints, The Jesus & Mary Chain, Spiritualized or Cocteau Twins. —— Jon E. Lynch, KDUR_PD@fortlewis.edu

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[Sartorial over-enthusiasm with Heather of Sideshow]

Style Fetish | Heather Narwid

Big Hair Edition

t’s Snowdown week, so Back to the Eighties with you! Men and women of Durango, remember the details as you get dressed in your most excellent ’80s styles. Hair, as well as makeup, accessories and attitude can really send your look back in time to seem authentic, not costume-y. Extra attention to detail is what wins Snowdown costume contests, and is worth it after spending time, creative energy and cash on a killer outfit! Hair was huge in the ’80s, literally, for men AND women. Best not to shirk on this particular details when you’re heading Back to the Eighties. Anyone’s short hair can be slicked back with stiff gel, spiked out in all directions, pushed into a punky faux-hawk or sculpted into a Bowie new wave ’do or Max Headroom pompadour. Add a neon or metallic headband like Pat Benatar or Olivia NewtonJohn, some colorful streaks of hair paint and/or a dangling feather on a roach clip. Coif medium-length hair into a Flock of Seagulls new wave hair sculpture, do a Joan Jett or Ramones mullet, blow-dry for bodacious man-volume a la George Michael and Darryl Hall, gothic palm-frond spikes like Robert Smith, work a side ponytail, tease and crimp! Giant early-Madonna hair bows, twisted bandannas knotted on top, banana clips, scrunchies and side-barrettes can also come into play. Curly hair? ’Fro it out with product and a blow-dryer for big ’80s volume and a look like Bob Ross the painter of happy little trees, gel-scrunched like Weird Al or pirate-thick like Slash from Guns N’ Roses (add a top hat!), Howard Stern (add Lennon glasses and an attitude) or Cheech Marin with a wide-folded bandanna. Let your

all & »» The 1988 H

oh Yeah!”

Oates album “O

curls fluff out like the nuclear mushroom cloud we all thought was imminent. Try some oldschool products that we used in the ’80s like clear Dippity-Do, Aussie Sprunch Spray and extra strength Aqua Net hair spray. Long hair has endless possibilities for ultravolume and drama! Use spiral curl rollers, crimp for hours or make the longest, bitchin’est side-pony ever. Win ALL of the big hair contests. For advanced ’80s costume-hair practitioners: cut yourself a righteous mullet and party hardy, get a perm and tell everyone it’s natural or dye it Siouxsie Sioux’s gothic black or frosted blonde a la Sammy Jo on Dynasty. Men! this is your chance to carve that winter face-hair into a dramatic ’80s Fu Manchu, thick Magnum P.I. lip-rug or smarmy Weird Al Yankovic thin mustache. Use this Snowdown as a fantastic opportunity to expaaaand your persona and try a look that you may at first complain about, but later secretly enjoy and think is sexy. Stretch the parameters of your hairstyle this Snowdown, don’t “Just Say No” to the Eighties! Heather Narwid owns Sideshow Emporium, a vintage and second-hand clothing store recently relocated to downtown Durango from Dolores. She thinks you look nice today. Ask her anything at sideshowdolores@gmail.com.

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[beer]

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Meanwh

First Draughts | Robert Alan Wendeborn

IALS

The ’80s beer scene was terrible, except for these few bright spots

t’s Snowdown week here in Durango and the annual weeklong theme party is hopefully going full steam. This year, we’re celebrating a decade that was the turning point when it comes to beer. I’m really thankful that I came of legal age when I did. Beer in the ’80s had to have been a terrible scene. The beer was so terrible that Coors was the most desired beer. Beer was so terrible that marketers pretty much gave up on women potentially drinking their product. Beer was so terrible that they invented wine coolers. Beer was so terrible that beer companies just gave up on innovation and creativity. Thank God beer was so terrible that the craft brewing movement stepped in to save the world. As bad as it was, there are some bright spots to the world of beer in the ’80s, especially here in Colorado. You could buy 3.2 beer if you were 18. Colorado was the only place you were guaranteed to get an ice cold Coors on tap. I’m sure there was a level of pride for anyone in Colorado knowing they were getting to drink the best beer in the country (even if it was Coors). And the 1980s saw the total number of breweries increase for the first time since 1873, the start of mass production and the Temperance Movement.

3.2 beer Today, when you go into a gas station or grocery store, you’ll see shelves of 3.2 percent beer. When I see someone walking out of a gas station with a case of beer I often shake my head and think what suckers they are, but 3.2 beer wasn’t always so pointless. For most of the ’80s, 18-year-olds could buy 3.2 beer. My dad, who graduated

from Farmington High School in 1974, tells stories of driving up to the state line, buying a bunch of 3.2 beer, and heading to Navajo Lake for beer busts. This little loophole didn’t get closed until 1987, so anyone turning 18 before 1987, likely had time to practice their drinking skills before they turned 21. There were even “bars” that only served 3.2 percent beer and served them to anyone over 18. Yes, 18-year-olds would have been walking around downtown Durango with a legal buzz. Horrifying, yes, but at least they would have had a few years of practice before joining everyone at the grown-up bars.

The Coors boom In 1977, a little film called “Smokey

and the Bandit” was a wild success. It’s the story of a team of bootleggers (headed by Burt Reynolds, who played Bo “Bandit” Darville) taking a truckload of Coors from Texas (the furthest Coors was distributed) to Georgia for a stock car race. Coors was wildly popular and highly sought after mostly because of its limited distribution. Though this movie was made in the ’70s, Coors didn’t reach the East Coast until the mid-’80s. If you were looking for a brew that would rinse your mustache and make you stand out, you’d be drinking Coors. This weekend, if you really want to relive the decade, I’d suggest Coors Banquet, which is the only Coors beer that is exclusively brewed at Coors brewery in Golden.

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The birth of craft brew In 1979, there were just 90 breweries in the United States. In 1980, there were 92, and by the end of the decade, there were more than 200. The ’90s saw even more growth. In 1999, there were more than 1,500. Now we have more than 4,000, the most breweries in U.S. history. The ’80s were officially the start of the craft beer movement. One of our local brew pubs, Carver Brewing Co., was one of the first brew pubs in Colorado. Definitely stop by and give them a high-five for being Durango’s first craft brewery and a true ’80s baby. Maybe we can parody the ridiculous fashion, the (mostly) terrible music and the absolutely terrible beer, but that terrible beer was the start of something awesome. Robert Alan Wendeborn puts the bubbles in the beer at Ska Brewing Co. His first book of poetry, The Blank Target, was published this past spring by The Lettered Streets Press and is available at Maria’s Bookshop. robbie@skabrewing.com

$7 Lunch Special Monday-Friday 11am-4pm

This Week’s Events Thursday 1/28 KAN JAM at 3pm with prizes and BACON for live music that evening FRIDAY 1/29 Diabolical Sound Platoon cd release party with Pants Party SATURDAY 1/30 $4 bloody Mary’s all day, noon is the golf hole for SNOWDOWN and then DEAD PHISH ORCHESTRA is that evening with a $5 cover SUNDAY 1/31 $4 bloody Mary’s and $4 well drinks all day TUESDAY 2/2 Salsa Night at 6:30pm 600 Main Ave, Suite 210, Durango, CO balconybarandgrill.com · (970) 422-8008

BOOK YOUR NEXT PARTY HERE! email: allison@balconybarandgrill.com

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[go!]

BCI Media file photo

»» Becky Milner (left), or, Bob, struts down the catwalk during 2014 Snowdown’s Safari Strut-Drag Race and Fashion Show. Bryan Dear wows the crowd with his precision stunts during the 2015 Snowdown Light Parade.

»» No advance tickets necessary for these nutty happenings!

Six totally bitchin’ Snowdown events you shouldn’t miss We’ve highlighted some of the radical events at Snowdown 2016 for you, no advance tickets necessary. These are some of the festival’s most popular, cool and gnarly. Check ’em out! Drag Race and Fashion Show 7 p.m. Thursday, El Rancho Tavern, 975 Main Ave. Like to dress up as the opposite sex? Why not win a prize for it! This is a drag show and cross-dressing competition, open to all drag kings and queens 21 years and older. Free. Entry deadline: 60 minutes before the event. Prizes: 1st, 2nd, 3rd, Best Overall and Crowd Favorite.

Beard Competition 8 p.m. Thursday, Carver Brewing Co., 1022 Main Ave. Contestants who entered the threemonth-long “Beard Race” had to show up clean shaven at Carver’s the first Friday in November to have their photo taken as proof they didn’t get a head start. Men will present their faces to a panel of judges who select a winner. You can’t compete (unless you entered months ago), but you can

certainly attend and enjoy all the manly scruff. Judges award prizes for best color, longest beard, the greatest beerabsorption beard and – for the ladies – best leg hair. Must be 21+ because apparently this event can get pretty hairy (ha ha). Free. Prizes: kegs, growlers, gift cards, brewery merchandise.

Waiter/Waitress Race 2 p.m. Friday, Steamworks (in the alley), 801 East Second Ave.

Coed teams of servers from area restaurants compete in a fun and messy obstacle course that incorporates waiting skills and ’80s zest. Teams must be comprised of two male and two female members of a local restaurant’s wait staff. 21+ only. Free. Entry deadline: 30 minutes before event. Prizes: 1st, keg of Steamworks beer; 2nd, $50 Steamworks gift card; 3rd, voucher for two pitchers of Steamworks beer. Continued on Page 11

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[go!]

New Location

Shaun Stanley/BCI Media file photo

»» Wesley Charles of team Ken & Sues races in the 2015 Snowdown Waiter and Waitress Race at Steamworks. From Page 10

11-6 Mon-Sat • Closed Sun 1111 Camino del Rio #103 970-382-8227 www.bluetigertattoo.com

Light Parade 6 p.m. Friday, Main Ave. from College Drive to 12th Street. Durango’s famous nighttime parade. ’80s-themed lighted floats will be moving in a long procession along Main Ave. You must submit an application to participate – but anyone can watch! Event costs $65 per entry ($50 for registered nonprofits), deadline is Friday or when parade roster full. Prizes: Trophy Divisions: Mayor’s Choice, Best in Parade, Best Use of Theme, Best Use of Lights, Best Hot Air Balloon, Best Children’s, Best “what the *%&# was that float” and more. Awards to follow parade, with a special return appearance by the Hill Stompers Band of Los Alamos, New Mexico.

Balloon Rally and Mass Ascension 8 a.m. Saturday, U.S. Highway 550, north side of Hermosa Meadows Road (Park at Animas Valley Elem. School) Shake off that hangover because this event features majestic hot air balloons ascending in the early morning frosty air. Twenty-five balloons will float down the Animas Valley. You can volunteer for chase crews by calling the event coordinators, Phil Campbell, 375-4629, and Doug Lenberg, (505) 947-1242.

Blue Tiger Tattoo

BCI Media file photo

»» As many as 25 hot air balloons ascended from the floor of the Animas Valley near Animas Elementary School for the 2013 Snowdown Balloon Rally and Mass Ascension.

Outhouse stuffing 1 p.m. Saturday, Gazpacho’s, 431 E. Second Ave. See how many of your friends you can shove into a porta-potty in two minutes! Don’t worry, they’re theoretically clean. After being stuffed in, can you stay in there with the door shut for 10 whole seconds? Must be 21+. Free. Entry deadline: 10 minutes before event. Prizes: 1st and 2nd, Gazpacho’s gift certificates. —— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 11

[media]

Exclusive interview:

The Sneer In which we talk to the satirical newspaper’s elusive editor It’s time again for the Sneer, the yearly satirical, snarky, fun-poking newspaper that takes aim at news, events, media and issues that have occurred since the last time we did Snowdown. Wondering if DGO would get the torch this year, we met with the editor of the Sneer at an undisclosed, darkened parking garage in La Plata County. Loaded into a nondescript van, and blindfolded, we were driven to a location approximately 45 minutes away. Once there, we were unblindfolded but the editor appeared in silhouette and either actually sounds like Andre the Giant or had their voice altered. What is the Sneer? Why is it printed? Because.

Because.

Where do you find the Sneer?

How many journalism awards has the Sneer won?

Downtown, at establishments. What is the circulation? Enough to go around. When is it available? Soon enough. Who produces the Sneer? People. What kind of people? People. Seriously, who? The staff is listed on page 2 if you really must know. Why don’t you have a website or go digital? Because that’s stupid and too much work. How do I contact the Sneer? You can’t, so why bother?

»» Above: Host Margaret Leeder plays the air guitar. Left: Costumes and the lack thereof were to be found

Quite a while. Why does the Sneer disparage Snowdown itself?

It’s a newspaper.

»» Tracy Tulley (left), Heather Harlan (center) and Jessica Michell goof off prior to taking the stage

None whatsoever. We don’t enter contests.

»» Kim Oliger prepares to take the stage at the Snowdown Fashion Do’s and Dont’s at the La Plata County Fairgrounds Wednesday. »» Cody Kopp plays with performers before they took the stage

Lurid colors, shoulder pads and short shorts - oh my!

Can you subscribe to the Snowdown Sneer? No. What is the Sneer’s policy on corrections? Surely, there are errors in each edition.

his year’s Fashion Do’s and Don’ts was a smorgasbord of scrunchies, neon and thong leotards paired with colored tights. On Wednesday at La Plata County Fairgrounds, respectable citizens of Durango got drunk at noon and strutted their stuff on the catwalk. The Exhibit Hall was decorated with tacky nostalgia cutouts of Pac-Man, the Ghostbusters logo, and a life-size, shirtless cardboard replica of Fabio.

The Sneer strives for accuracy, but not very hard. Who decides what stories are written? Do you have an editorial board meeting? Staff meetings lead to staph infections. Plus there is no staff or board. It sounds like you don’t want to talk to the press. I gotta go.

How long has it been published?

12 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 •

—— DGO staff

[fashion do’s and dont’s]

»» Spandex and leotards were popular costumes found at this year’s Snowdown Fashion Do’s and Don’ts

Photos by

Shaun Stanley | BCI Media

Hazel Owen and Kim Oliger started off the show with their creative “Cube Couture,” decked out in colorful, checkered, all-Rubik’s cube outfits (did you know Justin Bieber can solve a Rubik’s cube in less than two minutes? Surprising, huh). Doug and Diana Wright danced to Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” as everyone’s favorite muppet couple, Kermit and Miss Piggy; Kermit in a homemade froggy mask, Piggy with a pink feathered boa and cute little pig ears on her hat. Cheryl Schlabach, Donna Gulec and Jack Peterson played the crew from “Three’s Company” (brunette Janet, blonde Chrissy and Jack), all dressed in bathrobes. “We thought you were gay!” the MC Margaret Leeder quipped to Jack. In “Tacky Boys,” older men in tutus gyrated slowly down the runway (Roc Simmons, Chris Farley and Bob Thom). A very tall Rainbow Brite made an appearance (Justa Whitt) complete with magic wand, rainbow ribbon curlings in her hair, and stripes painted on her arms and legs.

»» Diane Wright prepares to take the stage as Miss Piggy, where she danced to Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl.” “Roller Size” was particularly impressive; Shaheen Hood, Stephanie Roberts, Alison Roush and Leslie Emerson kept their balance on roller skates

throughout the coordinated routine – even laying down on the catwalk to do synchronized moves with their legs in the air. “Dirty Laundry” starring Anne Dickson, Beth Wyman and Kim Oliger had a local news bent, with a Durango Herald sandwich-board advertising the Animas River spill, and a hamper filled with dirty laundry – bras and panties were tossed periodically into the crowd (the spill is Durango’s “dirty laundry.”) Kristi Zink did justice to Hulk Hogan, dancing to Queen’s “We are the Champions,” sporting fake muscles and a blonde moustache. The MC even broke a chair over his head. Finally, Sandra Shellnut strutted her stuff in “Made for Walkin,’” boots hanging from her boobs (with the heels sticking out, they could’ve almost doubled as weapons). —— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 13

[follies]

Jerry McBride/BCI Media photos

»» Left: Shaheen Hood and Hilary Carlson perform their skit “Clitter,” during the Snowdown Follies on Tuesday at the Durango Arts Center. Above: Rachel Frederico gets her Madonna on.

The 10 best and raciest moments of 2016’s Snowdown Follies As always, this year’s Snowdown Follies performance is filled with references to pop culture, politics and local escapades. There are plenty of poop jokes, a lot of fake penises pulled out on stage, and derisive mockery of Donald Trump, the city council, the EPA, the Animas River spill and (of course), The Durango Herald. Plus, because this year’s theme is the ’80s, you can look forward to a plethora of sexy Madonna costumes. We’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite moments. Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner Two of the Follies’ hosts this year are none other than Bruce and Caitlyn; fresh-off-the-Olympics Bruce of the ’70s (in a track suit), and newly-minted, feminine Caitlyn of 2016 (played by a man in a dress). These two don’t think they’ve ever met, but they do notice something awfully familiar about each other ... “BB and the Bad Habits.” This impious act features a convincing lip-synced imitation of The Blues Brothers, complete with a line of slutty dancing nuns. “Stalker Songs of the 80s” A song compilation proving how many completely creepy, predatory songs this decade was filled with (a little jab at the era’s lack of originality, per-

haps?) The act includes lip syncing to Sting’s “Every Breath You Take,” Heart’s “Alone” and Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me.” “Snowdown News” This sketch simulates a hard-hitting news update – but the news they report on is hardly legit. There are jokes about living in Bayfield because you can’t afford Durango, the continued stalling on moving the “poop plant” out of town and a debate around the correct pronunciation of the word “pecan;” to illustrate the diction differences, one of the news anchors demonstrates what a pee-can might look like. “Enlightenmen...t” One of the coolest acts of the night is a group of dancers dressed in big (snow?) suits, covered in bright multicolored

LED lights. The lights miraculously flash on and off in time with the music (How? Was a computer synced up to the song? Who knows.) The theater is completely dark during this performance (no flash photography permitted), so the lighted suits give the illusion of dancers floating around on stage and disappearing at will. Ronald Reagan and Jane Fonda Another pair of the evening’s hosts, these two have a charming back-andforth. Workout-queen Fonda points out that while Durango is an outdoorsy town where everyone climbs 14ers, nobody wants to park a block away from Carver’s on a busy Friday night. “Clitter” One of the show’s biggest crowd pleas-

ers, this act invents a fake company selling glitter to liven up your vagina (apparently, “boring vaginas” are an feminine affliction sweeping the nation). At one point, a man pops up from underneath a woman with his beard covered in glitter. “It’s Better in the Sack” This one features dancers wearing giant, human-sized colored sacks. Unusual and impressive, because the performers seemingly can’t see very well (their heads are covered, too), and yet they are able to coordinate their movements. The Follies also poke fun at there being “no news” in Durango worth reporting ... well, it’s a small but lively town. The Follies are proof of that! —— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

14 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[themes]

The greatest (and not the greatest) Snowdown BESTever MARGARITAS IN TOWN themes

HAPPY HOUR Monday-Friday 2:30pm-6pm

Sure, every Snowdown theme over the years has sparked amazing, creative costumes. But, face it, some of our community-selected themes have been more inspiring than others. Great “Steampunk Snowdown” | 2015

Steampunk is defined as “a subgenre of science fiction and sometimes fantasy that incorporates technology and aesthetic designs inspired by 19th-century industrial steam-powered machinery.” This theme was decidedly original and also challenging, aka not easy to pull off. Effort had to be put into making complex costumes. Plus, many members of the general public don’t even know what Steampunk is, so it exposed residents to something new (educational!).

HOME OF THE COOLEST MARGARITAS IN TOWN HAPPY HOUR

Monday-Friday 2:30pm-6pm 948 Main Ave • Durango, CO 970.259.7655

80sJAMZ SNOWDOWN TO THE MAX

SIDE A 1. Cowabunga! 2. Wagon Wannabe 3. Tubular 4. Big Hair

“Snowdown Bites, It’s Monstrous” | 2011 Not the greatest title in the world, but this theme connoted monsters, witches, ghosts and mummies – and those things are straight-up COOL. It was basically like Halloween in January, and who doesn’t crave a second Halloween? Zombies are huge right now (“Walking Dead,” anyone?) and Addams Family characters are always sexy staples.

SIDE B 1. Wicked, Bad, Rad 2. Chill to the Max 3. Rock My World 4. Bodacious

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“Snowdown in Da Nile” | 2009 Aka Egyptian theme. What’s hotter than ancient history? This theme meant pharaohs, Cleopatra, snakes, hieroglyphics, sphinxes, gold stuff and kickass, elaborate eye makeup. Plus, it exposed Durangoans to a distant, foreign culture. Nestled here in our little mountain nook, it can be dangerously easy to forget other countries exist.

Happy Snowdown!

Celebrate the 1980s with an $8 Pre-Roll 4 –6pm

“An Old West Snowdown” | 1983 The inaugural Snowdown Festival took place in 1979, but for the festival’s first few years, the theme was simply “A Winter Celebration.” 1983 was the first year an alternate theme was introduced, and it all started with “An Old West Snowdown.” Nice beginning! The Wild West was aesthetically classic, with saloons where shoot-outs went down, brothels and tough old gunmen wearing holsters and heel spurs.

Could’ve been greater “Get Your Geek On” | 2013 There’s not a ton you can do with this theme. Everyone basically wore suspenders and glasses with tape in the middle. This theme emphasized all the age-old clichés about geeks and nerds being losers; but without them, we wouldn’t have Stephen Hawking or Neil deGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye or Einstein. “Once Upon a Snowdown” | 2012 This was a fairy tale theme. Now, I love fairy tales and fantasy as much as the next “Game of Thrones” devotee, but it’s sooo overdone. And not sexy enough for a bawdy fest like Snowdown! The theme should’ve been something similar, but spicier, like Gothic Fairy Tales. “Surf’s Up” | 2010 Essentially, a beachy theme – aka boring AF. Forget the beach; we have mountains, of course, which everyone knows are better. Plus, it’s highly impractical for people to dress up for the beach in freezing cold January weather. Hypothermia much?

D.O.

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— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold �� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 15

[ movies ]

Fifty Shades of Black Playing at Stadium 9 Rating: R Genre: Comedy Directed by:

Michael Tiddes Written by:

Marlon Wayans, Rick Alvarez Runtime: 1 hr. 33 min. Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer: Not available Synopsis: Written, produced by

and starring Marlon Wayans (of “Scary Movie” fame), “Fifty Shades of Black” is a parody of the 2015 erotic romance film “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Hannah (Kali Hawk), an awkward student, goes to interview Christian Black at his Black Enterprises office building for her school newspaper. Despite the fact that he made his money through shady means (and a stint as a male stripper), she falls for him, but discovers he’s not looking for romance.

Kung Fu Panda 3 Playing at Stadium 9 Also available in 3-D with surcharge Rating: PG Genre: Anima-

tion Directed by:

Alessandro Carloni, Jennifer Yuh Nelson Written by: Jonathan Aibel, Glenn

Berger Runtime: 1 hr. 40 min. Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer: 82% Synopsis: Living large and loving life,

Po (Jack Black) realizes that he has a lot to learn if he’s going to fulfill the next challenge from his beloved instructor (Dustin Hoffman). After reuniting with his long-lost father (Bryan Cranston), Po must transition from student to teacher and train a group of fun-loving, clumsy pandas to become martial-arts fighters. Together, the kung-fu brethren unite to take on the evil Kai (J.K. Simmons), a supernatural warrior who becomes stronger with each battle.

Disney via Associated Press

»» “The Finest Hours” is a heroic action-thriller based on the true story of the most daring rescue in the history of the Coast Guard.

‘Finest Hours’ delivers schmaltz, melodrama By Richard Roeper The Chicago Sun-Times

Props to the cast of “The Finest Hours,” most of whom spend about three-quarters of their onscreen time soaking wet. If only “The Finest Hours” had a screenplay worthy of the heroics depicted here, and a director who could have resisted wave after wave of schmaltz and melodrama. Though based on true events, “The Finest Hours” plays like a hokey, cornball 1950s-era drama filled with stock characters and weakened by a sappy ending so over the top it actually dilutes the impact of what many call the greatest smallboat rescue mission in Coast Guard history. At first, the tone of the film dovetails nicely with the era depicted. It’s 1951, and in a sweet, soft-focus prologue, we meet Chris Pine’s Bernie Webber, a movie-star handsome but almost painfully shy petty officer stationed at the U.S. Coast Guard station in Chatham, Massachusetts, who strikes up a romance with the beautiful and plucky Miriam (Holliday Grainger). Some of the crusty old fishermen who keep their heavy slickers on even when they’re downing pints at the local pub, and many of Bernie’s fellow sailors, treat Bernie like a pariah. You see, there was a tragedy at sea the year before, and though Bernie and

The Finest Hours Playing at the Gaslight Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama, action & ad-

venture, mystery & suspense Direct by: Craig Gillespie Written by: Eric Johnson,

Paul Tamasy, Scott Silver Runtime: 1 hr. 57 min. Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer: 36%

his crew tried to overcome the rough seas on a rescue mission, they failed – and some felt Bernie should have tried a lot harder. Cut to the night of Feb. 18, 1952, when a nor’easter of monstrous proportions struck the waters off the coast of Massachusetts, tearing not one but two oil tankers in half. Thinking there was only one tanker in peril, the Coast Guard sent most of its resources to the SS Fort Mercer. By the time the Coast Guard realized the Pendleton had also been ripped in two, it was left to Bernie and three crew members – Coast Guarders Andy Fitzgerald (Kyle Gallner) and Richard Livesey (Ben Foster) and Navy man Ervin Maske (John Magaro) – to man a small Coast Guard motorboat on a seemingly impossible

mission to locate the Pendleton and rescue all hands on deck. For the bulk of the journey, “The Finest Hours” follows three paths: Bernie and his crew facing ferocious waves, the loss of their compass and a mission that feels increasingly suicidal with the passing minutes; Pendleton engineer Ray Sybert (Casey Affleck) devising ingenious methods to keep what’s left of the ship afloat while attempting to diffuse internal tensions among the crew; and Miriam’s plight back home, as she awaits word of Bernie’s fate. Meanwhile, the landlocked scenes are the cheesiest of all. When Miriam storms into the Coast Guard headquarters and demands Chief Warrant Officer Cluff (Eric Bana, using an embarrassing Southern accent), who’s not from these parts, bring her fiance home, it’s just ridiculous. Later, when the townsfolk gather to monitor the radio and bring in potluck dinners, even overheard snippets of conversation are so heavy-handed they’re almost chuckle-inducing. “The Finest Hours” feels stitched together. None of the three main plot lines is particularly powerful or moving. We’re never invested in these characters the way we were with, say, the leads in “The Perfect Storm.” The heroism of that small-boat crew from 1952 deserves a special film. This is not it.

16 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[pages]

k r o W o T e k i B Winter ing! Day Is Com

Literature in the ’80s The 1980s was a prolific decade for literature. Many authors we consider “must-read” today came out with signature books in the ’80s. Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist and Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian have all continued to inspire loyal followers of their individual work.

created worldwide controversy about the depiction of Islam.

Thomas Harris’ Silence of the Lambs, Robert Ludlum’s The Bourne Identity, and Tom Clancy’s The Hunt for Red October spawned blockbuster movies.

No decade in modern times can be boiled down to just 10 books. The following best-seller list of the ’80s is compiled from many different bestseller lists of that time period.

Salman Rushide’s The Satanic Verses

“Since I’ve been riding the bus so long, all the drivers know my name and we are like a family!” - VAN

And, from Firestarter to The Dark Half, Stephen King produced 16 novels in the decade.

Best-sellers of the ’80s »»5.“Crossing to Safety,” by Wallace Stegner

»»3.“The Alchemist,” by Paolo Coelho

»»6.“Cosmos,” by Carl Sagan

»»4.“A People’s

»»7.“A Brief History of Time,” by Stephen Hawking

History of the United States,” by Howard

TH N O M E H T F O TER U M M O C Y R A JANU

»»9.“The Satanic Verses,” by Salman Rushdie »»10.“The Third Wave,” by Alvin Toffler

—— Roger Cottingham, Maria’s Bookshop

R M E D C

80’s Trivia?

Answer Correctly & SPIN THE WHEEL.

S N O W

D O W N HAPPY HOUR

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»»2.“Ender’s Game,” by Orson Scott Card

»»8.“Jitterbug Perfume,” by Tom Robbins

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Zinn

»»1.“Lonesome Dove,” by Larry McMurtry

�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 17

[ weed ] Seeing Through the Smoke Christopher Gallagher

Marijuana Policy Project

»» A billboard that appeared in Denver in 2014 by the Marijuana Policy Project to discourage adults from getting what we’ll call “tourist high.”

Doing pot for the first time since ’85? Don’t get ‘tourist high’

vents like Snowdown are great because they bring a wider range of people to join the party. It’s not just the party professionals – the PLUR affiliates, the tailgaters and the habitually-up-allnighters – attendees will include soccer moms trying to recapture a bit of that good ol’ undergraduate spirit, Jerry from accounting who overheard you talking about how your seven best girlfriends have been waiting all year for January to roll back around, 13-year-olds who will look straight through you with little more than an “Ugh” to acknowledge your existence, the mayor, a couple of your aunts and uncles, and probably, your boss. Smiles will be shared freely and the catalog of Lionel Richie will ring through the land. It will be a good opportunity for the folks who aren’t regular cannabis users to begin or rekindle a relationship with that lovely lady, Mary Jane. With one note of caution: Do not, I repeat, do not get “tourist high.”

Tourist high (\`tur-ist\ hi) n. A state of being characterized by an extremely uncomfortable level of intoxication under the influence of cannabis, usually but not exclusively experienced by travelers to Colorado or another state in which marijuana is legal for recreational purposes.

What a shame. Dude flew in all the way from Dallas just to end up tourist high in a pile of Doritos and empty water bottles. Tourist high is, by my astute analysis (I fart in the general direction of Nebraska and Kansas), the only problem with legalization. It’s not a widespread social issue, but, if you happen to get yourself tourist high, widespread social issues dim and fade to nothing as you break out in an uncontrollable sweat, your heart races, your head swirls and turns into a saboteur, convincing you of the certainty of awful outcomes to the situation, and all the other symptoms of an anxiety attack conspire to overwhelm you. It’s like a flu bug – you know that it’s not going to kill you, but, in the moment, you aren’t sure that you’re not dying. And, unlike influenza, nobody has ever died of cannabis toxicity. Even if you manage to end up tourist high, you’ll be fine in about five hours – that’s 300 minutes or 18,000 seconds – and you might count down each of those seconds. Let’s skip that whole mess and talk about how to avoid tourist high. The theme of Snowdown 2016 is the 1980s. If you were a weed smoker while “Thriller” was tearing up the airwaves, most of what you had access to was well below 10 percent THC content. Unless you’re buying or growing a specific CDB strain (for medical reasons), you’ll be hard pressed to find anything below 18 percent nowadays. The solution for the jump in potency is pretty simple: If you’re planning

on smoking as your method of consumption, consider all the newfangled strains as “One Hit Wonders,” take a single, smallish hit, exhale and wait for half an hour to see how you feel. But smoking isn’t usually the source of tourist high, edibles are. Edibles hit you differently than smoking and may take a couple hours to start working. The typical tourist high timeline goes something like, “Ate edible ... didn’t feel anything, 30 minutes later ... ate twice as much ... an hour later, completely merked, brought to emergency room.” Don’t do this to yourself, friends. Store-bought edibles are marked in 10 mg portions. Eat real food first, take one 10 mg portion, wait two hours, see how you feel, consider taking one more. And when it comes to homemade edibles, start with no more than a quarter of a cookie or brownie, repeat above steps. Now that you have my best advice for avoiding tourist high, call your friends, make plans and enjoy Snowdown. An addendum regarding concentrates – wax, shatter, oil or anything else that needs to be dabbed: You’re grown folks, but if it’s going to be your maiden voyage in those waters, consider saving it for sometime later this winter when you’re snowed in instead of in public at Snowdown. Christopher Gallagher lives with his wife and their four dogs and two horses. Life is pretty darn good. Contact him at chrstphrgallagher@gmail.com

1111 CAMINO DEL RIO #5 • 970.385.8622 ANIMASHERBAL.COM 18 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[weed]

[netflix and chill — 420 edition]

Snowdown CannaPunch Snow Cones

‘Heathers’

What is it

’80s-themed Snowdown is upon us. This was a decade of big hair, loud colors and Madonna. But the era was also rife with fantastic filmmaking; “E.T.,” “The Goonies,” “Indiana Jones,” “Star Wars,” “Back to the Future” and John Hughes. These movies were blockbuster darlings, but we’re highlighting a weirder, darker cult hit from ’89 called “Heathers.” A commercial flop initially, it later became an underground favorite, beloved for its profanity and social satire (cannabis will enhance your enjoyment of those qualities). It’s a black comedy about the highs and lows of high school life; cartoonishly violent, the film boasts a teenage body count and cursory conversations around the topic of suicide. Smoking pot can encourage you to glean an open-minded, creative perspective on the world – thus watching “Heathers” high, you’ll

It’s a snow cone made with cannabisinfused punch with all the colors and flavors of the ’80s! Just walk outside, dip a cup in the snow and pour CannaPunch over it. CannaPunch comes bottled with 100mg of THC, but 10mg is the recommended dose. Vegan, organic and no soy, gluten or corn syrup. The effects Most people feel a slight buzz coming on within the first five minutes. It seems to peak at about 30 minutes. A friend calls CannaPunch “bong rip punch” because of its immediate onset and strong high. It’s an even, hybrid, lifted feeling that lasts for at least two hours. In 5mg doses, it’s calming without being psychoactive, but higher doses will definitely change your perception of the world. The smell The different flavors all exhibit distinct smells, but they’re all sweet, citrusy smelling.

Some tips about what to watch high on Netflix (or maybe VHS) this week

come to appreciate the absurdities of adolescence; the cliques, search for identity and desperate desire to fit in with people who don’t even know who they are. The film shares common ground with high school hierarchy comedies like “Mean Girls” and “Clueless,” but illustrates juvenile suffering in a bleaker, honest manner. The popular students are “Heathers,” three girls who dress the same and share a first name; Veronica (Winona Ryder) is the crew’s newest, most empathetic member. When she meets JD (Christian Slater), a rebellious new

guy who sees the Heathers as hellish dictators, the two fall in mutual lust – until Veronica jokes about wishing Head Heather were dead, and JD obliges. He makes it look like a suicide; but Heather was so popular, suicide becomes the latest fad in school. Soon Veronica and JD are killing off multiple cool, mean kids and making the deaths appear self-inflicted. “Heathers” depicts teen traumas like sexual assault, bullying and neglectful parents, but also scorns the notion of killing yourself just because school sucks – high school is terrible for everyone. Filled with irreverent lines you’ll love even more stoned, like “[Bleep] me gently with a chain saw,” or sage advice from Veronica, “If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being – you’d be a game-show host!” —— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

The look An attractive, easy carry-around bottle with its own measuring cup, and all the different flavors are beautifully colored for a Snowdown rainbow snow cone. The taste Tastes great and just like you’d expect each flavor to be with only a hint of marijuana taste. The final verdict You’ll be the hit of any party when you walk in dressed in your ’80s-themed costume carrying a rainbow colored snow cone infused with modern day legal cannabis. Drink enough of this wonderful elixir and you might just travel back in time to the ’80s. So be cool, and have an amazing Snowdown snow cone made with CannaPunch! Happy Snowdown! —— Patrick Dalton, Durango Recroom

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�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 19

[love and sex]

Advice for the newbies: Don’t attempt to push past the bend Savage Love | Dan Savage

Down to business: Christmas came and went, and every present I bought for my extraordinary husband could be opened in front of our children. He deserves better, and I have a particular gift in mind for Valentine’s Day. My husband has expressed an interest in sounding, something we’ve attempted only with my little finger. He seemed to enjoy it! But the last thing I want to do is damage his big beautiful dick. So is sounding a fun thing? Is sounding a safe thing? Recommendations for a beginner’s sounding kit? Or should I scrap the idea and just get him another butt plug? —— Safety Of Sounding Sounding, for those of you who didn’t go to the same Sunday school I did, involves the insertion of smooth metal or plastic rods into the urethra. Sounding is sometimes done for legitimate medical purposes, and it’s sometimes done for legitimate erotic purposes (some find the sensation pleasurable, and others are turned on by the transgression, particularly when a man is being sounded, i.e., the penetrator’s penetrator penetrated). So, yeah, some people definitely think sounding is a fun thing, SOS. “But whether or not something is a safe thing depends on knowledge of the risks/ pitfalls and an observance of proper technique,” said Dr. Keith D. Newman, a urologist and a Fellow of the American College of Surgeons. “The urethral lining has the consistency of wet paper towels and can be damaged easily, producing scarring. And the male urethra takes a bend just before the prostate. Negotiating

that bend takes talent, and that’s where most sounding injuries occur.” Recreational cock sounders – particularly newbies – shouldn’t attempt to push past that bend. But how do you know when you’ve arrived at that bend? “SOS’s partner should do the inserting initially,” said Dr. Newman, “as the bend in the urethra is easily recognized by the soundee. Once he is clear on his cues – once he understands the sensations, what works and when the danger areas are reached – SOS can participate safely with insertion.” And cleanliness matters, SOS, whether you’re sounding the husband or serving burritos to the public. “Infection is always an issue,” said Dr. Newman. “Clean is good, but the closer to sterile the better. And be careful about fingers. They can be more dangerous than sounds because of the nails and difficulty in sterilizing.” Moving on ... “Spit is not lube,” said Dr. Newman. “Water- or silicone-based lubes are good; oil-based is not so good with metal instruments.” (You can also go online and order little single-serving packets of sterile lubricant. Don’t ask me how I know this.) Using “glass or other breakable instruments” as sounds is a Very Bad Idea. Dr. Newman was pretty emphatic on this point – and while it sounds like a fairly obvious point, anyone who’s worked in an ER can tell you horror stories about all the Very Bad Ideas they’ve retrieved from people’s urethras, vaginas and rectums. Now let’s go shopping! “Choosing the best ‘starter kit’ is not hard:

Pratt Dilators are not hard to find online, they’re not that expensive and they will last a lifetime,” said Dr. Newman. (I found a set of Pratt Dilators on Amazon for less than $30.) And when your set arrives, SOS, don’t make the common mistake of starting with the smallest/skinniest sound in the pack. “Inserting something too small allows wiggle room on the way in and for a potential to stab the urethral wall,” said Dr. Newman. The doc’s next safety tip will make sense after you’ve seen a set of Pratt Dilators: “Always keep the inserted curve facing one’s face, meaning the visible, external curve facing away toward one’s back.” You can gently stroke your husband’s cock once the sound is in place, SOS; you can even blow him. Vaginal intercourse is off the table, obviously, and you might not wanna [bleep] his big beautiful dick with a sound until you’re both feeling like sounding experts. And when that time comes: Don’t stab away with a sound in order to sound-[bleep] him. A quality sound has some weight and heft – hold his erection upright, slowly pull the well-lubricated, non-glass sound until it’s almost all the way out and then let go. It will sink back without any help from you. Your husband’s butt should be plug-free during your sounding sessions, SOS, as a plug could compress a section his urethra. If you’re skilled enough to work around the bend – or if you’re foolish enough to push past it – the sound could puncture his compressed urethra. And a punctured urethra is every bit as unpleasant as it sounds. My wife and I have an amazing relationship. Our sex life is as hot as it can be given a child and two careers. A couple of years ago, I bought her one of those partial-body sex dolls (it has a cock and part of the stomach). We took videos and pictures while using it. Very hot for both of us. We later got a black version of the same toy. (We are white.) Even hotter videos. I have kept the videos in

a secure app on my iPad. Over the past year, I have created Photoshop porn of my wife with black men using screenshots from commercial porn. I haven’t shared this with my wife. We never discussed what to do with the videos and pics we made. I assumed she trusted me not to share these images with anyone. (I haven’t and won’t!) Is it OK that I have a porn stash that features my wife? Is it OK that I have a stash of Photoshop porn of my wife [bleep]ing black men? Should I share this with her? —— Secretly Keeping Encrypted Porn That Isn’t Clearly Allowed Lately You need to speak to your wife about those pics and videos, about the way you’ve manipulated them and about your fantasies – but that’s a lot to lay on her at once, SKEPTICAL, so take it in stages. Find a time to ask her about those old pics and videos and whether she wants them discarded or if you can continue to hang on to them. At a different time, bring up your fantasies. And finally, SKEPTICAL, if she reacts positively to your having held on to the photos and to your fantasies, ask her how she feels about you creating a few images using Photoshop for fantasy purposes only. It’s a little dishonest – you’re asking for permission to do what you’ve already done – but you’ll know what you need to do if her answer to the Photoshop question is “No, absolutely not!” (To be clear: You’ll need to delete those Photoshopped pics.) All that said, SKEPTICAL, if the images you’re holding on to could destroy your marriage and/or your wife’s life and/or your wife’s career if they got out, don’t wait: Delete all of the images now. Dan Savage is a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist writing for The Stranger in Seattle. Contact him at mail@savagelove.net or @fakedansavage on Twitter and listen to his podcast at savagelovecast.com.

20 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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Diabolical Sound Platoon to celebrate CD release It’s not often that a band’s debut-album release party and Snowdown coincide, but when it does, you can pretty much bet that there will be a serious party where the two collide. In this case, the place will be downtown Durango and the band is Diabolical Sound Platoon, which will be celebrating the release of its album “Bring the Catastrophe” on Friday night at the Balcony Backstage, 600 Main Ave., right after the Snowdown Light Parade. And

in keeping with the Snowdown ’80s theme this year, the band will be hosting an ’80s radio station party – complete with surprises, giveaways and more. And they’ll be joined by special musical guest Pants Party. And if you’re unable (or unwilling) to brave the crowds downtown, DSP will bring the party to you, you lazy bastard, by streaming the release party online at https://m.youtube. com/watch?v=3876P3U6qXk&f eature=youtu.be.

Thursday

dot, 10:55 a.m., $23/$21, Vallecito Room, Fort Lewis College Student Union, etopera.org/ Season/2015-16-Season.

Salsa dance lessons followed by Salsa Night, 6:30-7:30 p.m., $10, Wild

Horse Saloon, 601 East Second Ave., 799-8832. Karaoke with DJ Crazy Charlie, 9 p.m.,

Wild Horse Saloon, 601 East Second Ave., 3752568. Karaoke, 9 p.m., 8th Avenue Tavern, 509

East Eighth Ave., 259-8801.

Friday Black Velvet duo, 5:30-10 p.m., Diamond

Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave. Karaoke, 8 p.m., 8th Avenue Tavern, 509

East Eighth Ave., 259-8801.

Saturday The Met: Live in HD featuring Turan-

Gala event, Eighties Prom, taking place during Durango’s annual Snowdown festivities, 6-8:30 p.m., Sorrel Sky Gallery, 828 Main Ave.

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Karaoke, 8 p.m., 8th Avenue Tavern, 509

East Eighth Ave., 259-8801.

Sunday Irish music jam session, 12:30 p.m.,

Irish Embassy Pub, 900 Main Ave., 403-1200, www.theirishembassypub.com.

GREEN LIGHT - SEASON 2

Informal tango practice and instruction, 5-7 p.m., Groove U Durango,

26369 U.S. Highway 160, tangodurango.info, Continued on Page 22

�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 21

[happening]

Show off your meat skills!

Where should we

DGO tonight?

Where’s the beef? Well, if by beef you mean SPAM, you’re in luck, because come Saturday morning, you’ll get 30 minutes to put your meat-sculpting skills to the test – ’80s style. Snowdown’s SPAM Carving contest, hosted by Fort Lewis College, will be held from 11 a.m. to 12:15 p.m. Saturday at the Durango Welcome Center, 802 Main Ave. Feel free to bring your own stuff to jazz up your canned-meat creation, although you should probably leave your crimper at home

because crimping your meat sounds totally grody. The cost to enter is free and you have to register 15 minutes before the event. Prizes for your meaty masterpieces will be awarded to first, second and third place for adults (18 and older), teens (13 to 17), child (0 to 12) and team – because sometimes tackling meat takes more than one person. For more information, call 2477207.

From Page 21

Open studio figure drawing, 6:308:30 p.m., $15/$10, Durango Arts Center, 802 East Second Ave., www.durangoarts.org.

533-7231. Jazz church (experienced musician drop-in session), 6 p.m., Derailed Pour

House, 725 Main Ave., 247-5440, www.derailedpourhouse.com. Karaoke, 8 p.m., 8th Avenue Tavern, 509

East Eighth Ave., 259-8801. Latin music night, 8 p.m., Moe’s, 937

Main Ave., 259-9018.

Monday Four Corners Arts Forum, 9 a.m., KDUR

91.9/93.9 FM, www.kdur.org.

Your #1 source for what’s going on around Durango dgomag.com/calendar

Happy Hour Yoga, 5:30-6:30 p.m., Ska

Brewing Co., 225 Girard St., yoga and a pint of beer for $10, www.skabrewing.com.

Tuesday Super Ted’s Super Trivia, 6:12 p.m., free,

Ska Brewing Co., 225 Girard St., 247-5792. Open Mic Night, 8 p.m., Moe’s, 937 Main

to the DGO calendar with

Geeks Who Drink trivia, 6:30 p.m.,

BREW Pub & Kitchen, 117 W. College Drive, 259-5959. Pub quiz, 6:30 p.m., Irish Embassy Pub, 900 Main Ave., 403-1200. Karaoke with DJ Crazy Charlie, 9

p.m., Wild Horse Saloon, 601 East Second Ave., 375-2568.

Ongoing “The White Season,” Celebrating the ephemeral beauty of winter, Jan. 8-30, Durango Arts Center, 802 East Second Ave., durangoarts.org. “Irregularities” by Jen Pack, Jan.

8-Feb. 20, Durango Arts Center Art Library, 802 East Second Ave., durangoarts.org.

Wednesday

Site Unseen: Anna Hepler, Jan. 22-Feb. 19, Fort Lewis College Art Gallery, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Monday-Friday, fortlewis.edu/art-design/ ArtGallery.aspx.

Ace Revel, 6-8 p.m., Eno Wine Bar and Cocktail Lounge, 723 East Second Ave., 385-0105.

Submissions

A Bite of Jazz dinner and concert series, featuring “Better Knot” Neo-Celtic

To submit listings for publication in DGO and dgomag.com, go to www.

Ave., 259-9018.

+ Add an Event

Two-step dance lessons, 6:30-7:30 p.m., $10, Wild Horse Saloon, 601 East Second Ave., 799-8832.

Ensemble, 5:15 p.m., St. Mark’s Episcopal Church, 910 East Third Ave. The concert will begin at 6:30 p.m. Tickets can be purchased at MusicintheMoutains.com or at the festival office at 1063 Main Avenue, or call 385-6820. for a discounted rate by Friday.

swscene.com and click “Add Your Event,” fill out the form with all your event info and submit. Listings at swscene.com will appear both at dgomag.com and in our weekly print edition. Posting events at swscene.com is free and takes about one business day to process.

22 | Thursday, January 28, 2016 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Horoscope ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Because the Moon is opposite your sign today, you will have to be accommodating and go more than halfway when dealing with others. (This will make life easier.) TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) It will please you to do something to feel like you’re getting better organized. If nothing else, get rid of five things from your medicine cabinet. You can do it. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You feel playful and prankish today. Basically, you want to have fun! Enjoy sports events, social occasions, the arts, the theater and creative times with children. CANCER (June 21 to July 22)

Bizarro

Home, family and private discussions are significant today. Do what you can

to smooth over troubled waters and tension at home because of increased activity. LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) This is a strong day for those of you who sell, market, teach, act or write because you will be very clear in what you want to say. You also have lots of mental energy! VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Cash flow, money, financial situations and, to a lesser extent, your possessions are your top priorities today. This is a good day to sort out your assets. LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Today, the Moon is in your sign, along with fiery Mars. This gives you an advantage over all the other signs; therefore, use this in a way that will benefit you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) You will prefer to work behind the scenes today because you want to keep a low profile. Be aware that someone might be working against your best interests. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) A discussion with a female friend will be important today. This is a good day to share your hopes and dreams for the future with others in order to get their feedback. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Personal details about your private life might be made public today because the Moon is at high noon in your chart. Definitely, people notice you. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) Do anything that helps you to feel

that you can escape from your daily routine because this is what you want to do. You want adventure! You want new knowledge! PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Make friends with your bank account so that you know what’s happening with shared property, taxes, debt, inheritances and insurance issues. Stay on top of things. BORN TODAY You are full of ideas and energy, which is why many of you lead exciting lives. At times, you appear daring and reckless! This year, others will benefit you, which is why your success lies with interacting with others people. Therefore, make friends and join clubs and organizations. If you help others, you will be helping yourself. © 2016 King Features Syndicate Inc.

[ laugh lines from the snowdown follies 2016 ] Some of our favorite lines from the show: “I have an app that if my pulse stops, it erases my browser history.” “How do you get a nun pregnant?” “You [bleep] her.” “April 1st is the one day a year people actually critically evaluate their news.” “Hillary Clinton even has a restaurant named after her in Silverton – The Shady Lady.” “Ben Carson might win the whole thing – because once you go black, you never go back.” “But in 2016, orange is the new black!” [said in reference to Donald Trump] —— Anya Jaremko-Greenwold

�� Thursday, January 28, 2016 | 23

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