Dreaming of Gold by Ballantine Communications

art entertainment food drink music nightlife Thursday, September 20, 2018

DGO

FREE!

DREAMING OF GOLD Ska and Steamworks, Durangoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s beloved breweries, are going head to head at the Great American Beer Festival for the beeriest of thrones

Also: Gluten-free Corona, beer for beer haters, and a review of Birthday Cake

dgomag.com

[advice]

Life Hax | Carolyn Hax

I’m dating a guy who has a wife. How do I tell my friends? My best friend, “Pam,” and I have been friends since college, and run a small catering business together. We were married the same year and have children who all grew up together. While Pam is still married, I’ve been divorced for years. I love Pam like a sister but she’s a little rigid in her thinking and I think she’ll disapprove of my current relationship because the man, “Gary,” is married. His wife lost interest in both him and sex years ago and has looked the other way when he sees other women, as long as he’s discreet, so it’s not like we’re doing anything really underhanded. Pam knows I’m seeing someone and has been pushing to meet him, but I haven’t told her he’s married because I’m afraid she’ll freak out and won’t accept that the current setup works for all of us: me, Gary and his wife. Since the wife is an occasional client of our business (that’s how I met Gary), I don’t want to risk introducing Gary to Pam without telling her the whole story. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I keep stonewalling her or come clean? Me “I’m dating a man who is in an open marriage. Is this going to be a problem?” Proceed from there. My parents (mom and stepdad) are in their 70s, retired, healthy, and doing well financially. They spend their money on traveling the globe and constantly remodeling their new Florida McMansion. That’s fine. They can spend their money on whatever makes them happy. They weren’t the most caring parents. They did provide what they thought they should, but anything extra – school activities, extra clothing, hobbies, cars, etc. – my siblings and I were expected to take care of on our own. And we were expected to move out at 18. Again, that’s fine. We are very independent. My sister had joint-replacement surgery and has high medical bills. I

am going through a legal fight with a previous employer, am unemployed for the first time in my life (I’ve had a job since I was 14), and legal bills are eating my 401k. Our parents know the details. We’re not asking for any help. But I don’t want to get on the phone with my mom and have to hear all the issues of remodeling rooms that looked perfectly fine when I visited a year ago. Plus they don’t even ask how things are going with their children and grandchildren. It’s all talk about superficial things and how awesome they are doing. There are other old issues stemming from some childhood abuse and all the divorces, but my mom is in complete denial about that. I don’t want to talk to them anymore. I want to tell them that since they choose to live (what I consider) selfishly, they should not expect me to just smile and nod. But we are made to feel guilty if we don’t call as often as my mom thinks we should. Do I just ghost my own parents? Seems no matter what I do, they’ll think I’m awful and wrong. Hate the Smile and Nod Is that the worst that could happen, though? That parents you think are awful and wrong think you’re awful and wrong? Plus, if you’re not on the phone with them, then it’s an awful-and-wrong falling in a forest. Who’s to say it even happened. But let’s back up for a second. You’ve presented this as a two-item menu: either endure your mom’s affluenza, or stop calling your parents. There’s a middle choice, though: truth. “Mom, [sister] and I are buried in legal and medical bills. I can’t sympathize over expensive renovations.” She won’t respond well to that, right? So have this handy: “OK then. Let’s talk another time.” [click] This middle is where you set the agenda to your emo-

tional limits, making time to converse with people – but not to be anyone’s audience. Draw this line case-by-case, whenever and wherever you need. To back up even further: It’s hard for anyone to rewrite the emotional terms of a long relationship. It’s harder still when the old terms are unhealthy and lifelong. You mention “childhood abuse and all the divorces” as a tangent, but how is that not CENTRAL? To have kids fend for themselves on the material margins is a valid doctrine; to do so emotionally is an abdication of parental duty. Some therapists will charge on a sliding scale, so consider looking for a good one near you. Your parents’ legacy might run deeper than you know.

My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, “Amy,” is dating one of his close friends. Amy broke up with my boyfriend a little over a year ago, after dating for three years. I can tell my boyfriend is uncomfortable every time his friend and Amy are mentioned. Whenever a friend asks my boyfriend how he feels about them, he states he’s happiest he’s ever been and he might care if it weren’t for our relationship. I think his response is mostly true, yet an overstatement. For some reason, the overstatement bothers me. It’s hard not to secretly feel jealous. Also, because we all live in the same city, we are invited to a lot of the same events. I’ve never met Amy and I’m hesitant to attend gatherings she is invited to. How can I truly be there for my boyfriend and gracefully attend the same parties, dinners, etc., as Amy?

the yawn of familiarity. More important: Your sniffing out hyperbole in your boyfriend’s professions of joy is the interesting part of your question. Pushing past your fear of Amy-ful events, conveniently, is also the first step toward seeing whether your boyfriend is in fact protesting too much. There’s nothing like having the ex in the same room to tell you whether he chose you because you’re you, or chose you because Amy was no longer an option. Again – better to face your discomfort upfront than let it stalk you wherever you go. You’ve advised posing ideas as questions: “Do you think ... ?” People will know they are not questions. My family does this, as if I’m too dumb to know what they’re really doing. Not helpful. Anonymous Then say so! And then say what would be helpful to you. I take issue with the notion, though, that framing things as questions equates to treating people as if they’re stupid. I see it as a gesture of respect: I have thoughts, but you have the last word, so I will address whatever you have presented to me, but I will do so in a way that clearly defers to you. That’s also just my view, not a universal one – and so it’s a gesture of respect to let people know what bothers you by saying so and why. “I find this conversation frustrating.” And then: “I’d appreciate just having someone to listen,” or, “I would rather work this out on my own,” or, “I’m well aware of how you all feel, and I respectfully ask you to drop it,” or, “If you have a suggestion, them please just say it directly.”

Awkwardly Caught in the Middle

The calmer and more specific you can be, the better.

Just go. Have your discomfort upfront. Then go again, knowing she’ll be there, and again, until it stops being an exception. Awkwardness is powerful but it doesn’t stand a chance against

Carolyn Hax is a syndicated advice columnist for The Washington Post. She started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. Email her at tellme@washpost.com.

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DGO Magazine

STAFF

What’s inside Volume 3 Number 48 Thursday, September 20, 2018

Editor Angelica Leicht aleicht@bcimedia.com 375-4551 Staff writer Amanda Push apush@bcimedia.com Sales Liz Demko 375-4553 Contributors Katie Cahill Christopher Gallagher

The Riff Raff is multiplying

Life Hax

Eat

The second location for Riff Raff Brewing Co. in Pagosa Springs, where ghosts of both people and delicious beer have been known to haunt the halls.

Stage

Sound

Downtown Lowdown

Album Review 7 8

Beer Beer for Beer

Jon E. Lynch

Riff Raff

Lindsay Mattison

Brewing

Amanda Push Amanda Push/DGO

Design/layout Colossal Sanders

Chief Executive Officer Douglas Bennett V.P. of Advertising David Habrat

10-11

16 Weed

Robert Alan Wendeborn

375-4570

8-9

Haters

Bryant Liggett

Reader Services

Shake them beer haters off There are some people who love beer, because beer is delicious and it gets you drunk. And then there are those weirdos who hate drinking beer because they don’t have refined tastes or know what living truly is.

17 A serious Sunburn

Reviews 16-17

Seeing Through 18 the Smoke

19 Happening

Sunburn, a sativa strain from Pagosa Therapeutics, followed the trend of ALL their strains, and it borderline killed us. We were near death in a good way.

20 DGO Deals 22 Horoscope/ puzzles 23 Single life

10 Riff Raff chicanery

DGO is a free weekly publication distributed by Ballantine Communications Inc., and is available for one copy per person. Taking more than five copies of an edition from a distribution location is illegal and is punishable by law according to Colorado Revised Statute 18-9-314. DGO Magazine is published by Ballantine Communications Inc., P.O. Drawer A, Durango, CO 81302

A brewery that names its beers after Grateful Dead songs, serves delicious blueberry hazy IPAs, and is haunted by a ghost who hides pennies? Of course we jumped on that bandwagon.

Tell us what you think! Got something on your mind? Have a joke or a story idea or just something that the world needs to know? Send everything to editor@dgomag.com

/dgomag /dgomag

@dgo_mag

ON THE COVER Steamworks Brewing Co.’s Colorado Kolsch dreams of the big time at the Great American Beer Festival. Colossal Sanders for DGO

A SAVVY MAGAZINE FOR A SAVVY CUSTOMER.

Call 375-4570 or email info@dgomag.com

CARRY DGO IN YOUR BUSINESS �� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 3

@dg

[eat]

What the Fork | Lindsay Mattison

Wait, is Corona gluten-free?

n 2008, I participated in an allergy elimination diet. A friend of mine did it to figure out why she had heartburn, so I thought, what the heck. Maybe I’ll figure out why I have so many headaches. It was a grueling, arduous six-week process that required me to give up my favorite food (cheese) while being plagued by even more headaches thanks to that cold-turkey caffeine withdrawal. I did discover that a build-up of histamines was the cause of my distress and I just needed to cool it on many of my go-to foods (damn you cheese, tomatoes, pepperoni, and beer, all the components of my dinner-of-choice). I also discovered what a horrible place the world is when you’re trying to survive on allergen-free foods. I had to cook 100 percent of my meals while avoiding anything social, like going out to eat, grabbing a coffee with a friend, or enjoying a beer at happy hour. It basically led me to become so depressed near the end of the diet that I started surviving on nothing but almond butter on rice cakes. It was a great way to lose some weight, but I also pretty much lost the will to live. Life without my favorite foods just wasn’t living. Luckily, life has gotten better for people with food allergies in the last decade. Back then, I had to scour the grocery store shelves for gluten-free crackers. Today, there’s an entire aisle dedicated to gluten-free products. No more meticulously reading of the ingredient label because everything on that aisle screams “GLUTEN-FREE” – including a few products that wouldn’t possibly contain gluten, like olive oil and soda water. But sometimes gluten can be sneaky, as is apparently the case with beer. It turns out there are three types of gluten-free beer. True gluten-free beer is brewed with rice, buckwheat, corn, or sorghum. These beers don’t contain any barley at all. An argument could be made that these are not technically beer at all, as the German purity law Reinheitsgebot proclaims that beer is made water, barley, and hops. I suppose that’s beside the point. Then, there are the “gluten-reduced” beers. After brewing their gluten-juice, some companies remove the gluten from their brews using secret processes that involve centrifuges or filters. If they end up with less than 20 ppm (parts per million) of gluten, these manipulated beers are technically considered gluten-free. To make things even more complicated, the FDA has a caveat: Any product that originally contained wheat, rye, or barley can’t be labeled gluten-free – even if they have less than the legal limit. So a Stone Delicious IPA or New Belgium Glutiny Pale Ale (which use processes to remove gluten) can only be

Colossal Sanders for DGO; images via Adobe Stock

labeled “gluten-reduced,” because that’s what they are. Which brings me to the Corona, the third type of “gluten-free” beer. Corona and other light beers (like Bud Light Lime and Heineken) are technically gluten-free. As it turns out, many of these beers have less than 20 ppm gluten, even though they’re made with barley, and the companies are making no attempt to reduce the gluten content of their beers. So, how the heck do they test so low on the gluten meters? You might think we can’t trust these tests, and if you really have celiac disease, you’ll probably steer clear of these beers anyway. The consequences of ingesting gluten are not worth it to gamble on the test’s ability to reliably detect gluten. But really, we should probably reconsider whether we’re still interested in drinking these light beers. After all, consider what it means when the intent isn’t to create a gluten-free beer, and yet they don’t even contain enough barley to register above the legal limit… If you love your light beer, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but they’re brewed with cheap adjuncts (like corn and rice) to save money instead of being

all barley. Then, they’re treated with an enzyme to remove extra carbohydrates (because that sounds totally natural) before being diluted with water by 4 or 5 percent. They contain undetectable amounts of gluten because they’re literally a watered-down version of a real beer. You may as well buy a craft beer and turn it into two light beers, because it’s essentially the same. At this point, you’re probably wondering if this is a tirade against gluten-free people, Big Beer, or light beers in general, because I’m offending people who love things in all of those categories. Well, this turned into all three because I apparently love to rant, so let’s at least end on something positive. If you’re among the world of allergen sufferers: Reach for the best beer you can. If that happens to be Corona, so be it, but just know that it’s not actually free of the thing you think you suffer from. Lindsay D. Mattison is a professional chef and food writer living in Durango. She enjoys long walks in the woods, the simplicity of New York-style cheese pizza, and she’s completely addicted to Chapstick. Contact her at lindsaymattisonwriter@gmail.com.

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[stage]

LIFE ADVICE

FROM ‘SENSE AND SENSIBILITY’ Let’s talk Jane Austen, mothereffers. Why? Because the Merely Players, Durango’s innovative found theater company, are performing Kate Hamill’s adaptation of “Sense and Sensibility.” Catch it and you’ll see a witty, romantic tale of people falling in and out of love, set against gossipy aristocratic aholes of the 18th century. Good dang times. You might think you don’t like Jane Austen, or maybe you think that costume dramas don’t connect to your life. Dear and constant reader, you’d be wrong. Jane Austen’s here to pleasantly tell you to get your shit together. Here’s 13 life lessons from “Sense and Sensibility.” Note: Advice gleaned from the 1995, Oscar-winning adaptation, the 2008 BBC mini-series, and – obvs – Jane Austen’s actual book. Get! It! In! Writing! Deathbed promises are for suckers Greed can turn anyone into a turd-nugget. Your half-brother might not be a greedy jerkass, but his wife’s a beast, and he’ll turn into an accomplice by inaction. Don’t trust your half-bro’s promise to your dying dad that he’ll take care of you. Get all wills in writing. Your family’s logical, kind brain may not be present when ordering the estate. Doubling down: Don’t live in an era or country where women can’t inherit property. Flash wisdom »»Never trust a lusty rogue who buys you a pony. »»Standing near the edge of an English cliff staring at the gray sea will bring you mysterious satisfaction. Do this frequently.

Conduct background checks on all libertines who profess love to you There might come a day when a velvet-jacketed, soon-to-be rich rake makes your insides quake and wants a lock of your hair. Don’t submit to this infatuation until you’ve

gleaned all the Googled gossip you can. They may be suave, kind to your fam, and once gave you a speedy carriage ride, but if you ain’t careful, you’re gonna fall in love with a despicable SOB who has secret kids and bad coping mechanisms. Flash wisdom »»“Come see my pinafore” is code for “I am so f*cking loaded we can die in tombs made of our lovedand-loving, union-waged servants’ teeth.” Go on this date. »»Tea soothes most catastrophes.

GEEZUS H. WEEPING EVERYONE - work toward emotional balance “I will be calm. I will be mistress of myself,” said Elinor Dashwood. Good. Great, but don’t be so in control that you lose out on life because you’re too respectful to tell anyone your feelings ever. Likewise, don’t be so Marianne Dashwood, all impulsive spontaneity, that your heart explodes from your ribs every five minutes. If you’re having a hard time walking that line, maybe get you some Talkspace online therapy to embiggen yer emotional toolbox. “Know your happiness,” as mama

»» Merely Players to

perform show at Old Fort Historic Library

Dashwood would say.

GO!

FLASH WISDOM

WHEN: 7 p.m., Sept. 28, 29 (These dates SOLD OUT); 7 p.m., Oct. 4-6; 1 p.m., Oct. 6-7

»»The translation of “I greatly esteem him” is: “I want to bone him till we are old and gray and pulverize each other’s thrusting pelvic arenas to dust.” »»There’s always someone hidden in the library.

You are the master of your fate “But who will light the fires?” asked Mrs. Dashwood to her daughter Elinor in the BBC adaption. See, the Dashwood broads left their big ol’ estate for a humble cottage where they don’t know jackshit about daily life because servants have always done for them. Sounds unrelatable until you think about your own gaps. Know how to cook cheap and fresh? Can you change a tire? Can you live within a budget? Do you know that your best

BONUS: all 7 p.m. showings have a 6:20 p.m. tour with Roy Horvath about the history of the Old Fort included in ticket price. WHERE: Old Fort Historic Library, 18683 HWY 140, Hesperus COST: $25 INFO: http://merelyplayers.us friend in this life is yourself? That you shouldn’t compare your path to anyone else’s? Do you light our own fires or rely on faithless fate? Flash wisdom »»Your crush’s ma – who eats actual gold-plated candy – will disown your crush. Yes, because of you. »»The rain wants to kill you.

No, really, you don’t have to choose either of them Going against Austen here, but sometimes, life will give you a choice – say, between a steady partner who is 20 years your senior when you’re underage, or a fervent fiasco who’s saucy in the sack and full of vile secrets. Say no to both. You don’t have to pick either. If your choice is between a dude who’s decades older and likes you because you remind him of a dead relative, or an unreliable, whiney strumpet who’ll give you herpes and abandon you in a poorhouse, it ain’t really a choice. Move on. You’re better than that. There’s always another someone. Keep yourself and keep looking. — Patty Templeton Special to DGO

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[sound]

Downtown Lowdown | Bryant Liggett

All hail the under-appreciated sound people

he sound person: they are the unsung heroes of the music scene, and an under-appreciated aspect of the live and studio music experience. In the studio, you could have many people, along with the musicians, all working on making that final product just right. On stage, it’s sometimes just one person tucked away in another part of the venue, working to make sure the mix is as close to perfect as it can be. Some bands, performing in smaller venues with a smaller sound system, may try to handle the job themselves. Other venues have a house sound guy who knows the room and the equipment, while larger acts can travel with one or two people, who can be as important as any musician. They’re a necessary part of the live music experience, and can truly make or break the musical product. Doing it right is worthy of recognition. Doug Eagle is one of many sound people in town, and one of the few that lives in both musical worlds, where he sometimes works sound for live bands, and other times recording bands in his studio. He’s been at it in Durango for 31 years, and counts Heart & Soul, Lawn Chair Kings, The Outskirts, and Sunny and the Whiskey Machine as clients, along with many more. It’s a list that reads as a who’s who of regional bands, many who still play, while others were blips on the local musical map. “Live is cool because it’s immediate. You’ve got the energy of the audience, and just a live performance in general is cool. I mean, people go to live music because they like the excitement. Otherwise we’d all sit at home listening to CDs, listening to the radio, and you’d never go out with a bunch of people in one place with a live band. So, there’s some energy to that, having to do it in real time, setting up for a band, and being in different venues and the variety of it. It’s fun,” said Eagle. Eagle has strong thoughts on

Bryant’s Best Saturday: Make Beats, Street Blues Family, House of Stairs for iAM Music, 6 p.m., $5 suggested donation. 11th Street Station, 1101 Main Ave. Information: 799-7450. Saturday: Tom Russell and Ramblin Jack Elliot, 7 p.m., $35. Henry Strater Theatre, 699 Main Ave. Information: 375-7160. why it’s great to mix a live band and record in the studio. “The studio is the same space all the time, the same set up,” Eagle said. “You have a lot more control. Live, there is the element of not being in control. But in the studio, you have time and you can craft things. Be picky, go back over it repeatedly, the real time thing is gone. You can be more of a perfectionist. Mixing in the studio is fun, working mostly alone, and really trying to craft the sound, really digging in, really trying to perfect it. But you can’t do that live. You do the best in 90-minutes of performance and a sound check, so I like both a lot.” There are plenty of stories and plenty of jokes, and most sound people likely have some good tales, like the bass player who couldn’t score while in town for a show, and took out his opioid withdrawal-inspired inability to play on the poor sound dude. Or about the electrical issues that happen minutes before show time that put everything on a delay and cause an increase in the sound person’s stress levels. Eagle has the appreciation for a recognition of imperfection, an acceptance of the fact that you work with human beings, and what comes out of any type of performance, studio or onstage, is human – imperfections and all. “The only way to make it all perfect is to start replacing musicians and instruments, and giving them an unlimited budget,” said Eagle. Bryant Liggett is a freelance writer and KDUR station manager. liggett_b@fortlewis.edu.

t on u o s s i Don’t m ’s largest go n a r o. u p D ex s ’ n wome oth today! our y k o o B

La Plata County Fairgrounds November 10, 2018 10am – 4pm

Contact Abby Feldman | 970-375-4599 | afeldman@bcimedia.com

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[sound]

What’s new One of my favorite ritual pastimes, which began as a preteen, was loitering after school in one of a handful of local records stores each and every Tuesday to celebrate new release day. For those of you who are too young to remember, new release day was the weekly influx of new stock, new PHYSICAL music releases, at your local record store. This went for the massive chain music stores and the mom and pops alike. This was the day new cassette tapes, compact discs, and vinyl LPs arrived at your favorite record store. I’d switch it up and rotate stores like Homer’s, The Antiquarium, and Drastic Plastic, and later on, when I could loiter before, after, and between classes, it was 7th Heaven, Kief’s, and Love Garden. A few years back, new release day switched to Friday, and this time last year, I’d have been at our very own Southwest Sound, but alas…

Broken Baby, “Broken Baby,” Poor Man/Palo Santo – The female-fronted post-punk duo from LA has a sound that meshes The Pretenders, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Jesus Lizard, with melodies reminiscent of Eurythmics. Sumac, “Love In Shadow,” Thrill Jockey Records – An hour worth of heavy, pummeling, experimental metal spread over four tracks. This is the third full-length album from Aaron Turner (Old Man Gloom, Mamiffer, ISIS), drummer Nick Yacyshyn (Baptists, Erosion), and bassist Brian Cook (Russian Circles, Botch).

—— Jon E. Lynch

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OFFICE DEPOT

(BODO PARK)

These are by no means the only records out this week. What albums did I miss, and what are you looking forward to in the coming months?

72 Suttle St. Unit B Bodo Park Durango 7 Days a Week

72 SHUTTLE STREET UNIT B

Supersuckers, “Suck It,” Acetate – This is the 12th studio album from the self-anointed “greatest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world”. The year 2018 marks 30 years Eddie Spaghetti and Co. have been a rock and roll band. Little has changed since a car accident and throat cancer threatened to halt them a few years back. Recorded over four days in Austin, this sounds exactly like the Supersuckers doing what they do.

Find us at:

FRONTAGE ROAD

Carl Broemel, “Washed Out,” Asia/ Thirty Tigers – My Morning Jacket multi-instrumentalist Carl Broemel releases his fourth solo record. The record was recorded at his home studio in Nashville and features guest appearances from Robbie Crowell (Deer Tick), Russ Pollard (Sebadoh), Bo Koster, and Tom Blankenship (My Morning Jacket). The album artwork features photographs from former Durango resident

Sloks, “Holy Motor,” Voodoo Rhythm Records – Swiss record label Voodoo Rhythm drops an amazing album of “super raw power ultra primitive dirty suicide destructive garage punk no-wave trashed out rock ‘n’ roll.” The trio hails from Turin, Italy, and I hope someday will tour the States.

HWY 550 (CAMINO DEL RIO)

If you are lucky enough to live in a town that doesn’t gouge local tenants on Main Street and still have a beloved record store to call your own, there are a handful of titles you’d see gracing the shelves and listening stations on Friday, September 21.

and musician Eric Hopper.

LIGHT

KDUR_PD@fortlewis.edu

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 7

[beer]

BEER FOR PEOPLE A TASTE TEST »» The Internet gave us weird beer ideas,

and some poor sucker drank them

There are some people who love beer, because beer is delicious and it gets you drunk. And then there are those weirdos who hate drinking beer because they don’t have refined tastes or know what living truly is. Our staff writer, Amanda Push, is of the latter group. She hates beer. “If I’m really drunk I’ll drink beer,” she said. “I’ve done it before. I didn’t enjoy it, but...” She does claim to tolerate Bud Light when she’s so inebriated Internet advice: Try sour beers. The beer: Ballast Point Brewing Company Sour Wench Blackberry Ale The Internet said to try sour beers because beer-haters will LOVE them since they taste like Sour Patch Kids, so we tried sour beers. Strike that – our staff writer tried sour beers. Or, one sour beer, to be exact: Ballast Point Brewing Company Sour Wench Blackberry Ale, which is a mouthful in more ways than one. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: A little bit of blackberry – “I’ll give them that.” – and sour. Layered underneath the sour is blackberry. Immediate reaction: “Do I smell it first? I don’t know if I should smell it first. (Makes face.) I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t tell if the sourness makes the bitterness of the beer better or worse. It’s getting a little better the more I drink it. Seems like the bitter taste is going away the more I drink it and the sour stays. But I don’t know if I’d go to a bar and order a sour beer.” Noob rating: 2 out of 5 Natty Lights

that she can’t remember, but that doesn’t count. If you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Given that this is an office of beer lovers, we were puzzled by her disdain for the golden goodness, and had all sorts of questions about her deep-seated beer hatred. Why does she only drink beer when drunk, and why does she not enjoy it? But, our most important question was how we could help her find a beer that would convince her to change teams. We decided to consult the wild Internet caverns for the best hacks and suggestions to help beer-haters find a love of the beer, and came back with suggestions like, “drink beer out of a green bottle.” Internet: y’all have lost it. Anyway, here it is, friends. How to find the right beer for people who hate beer: A taste test.

Internet advice: Add Bloody Mary mix to a Corona. The beer: A Corona, obviously. We bought McIlhenny Co. Tabasco Bloody Mary Mix, mostly because it was the cheapest, at $3.99 for a giant glass jug of the stuff. We bought one single huge Corona because we didn’t want the shame of keeping the rest of an 18-pack in our fridge after this experiment. Then we mixed it, beer first, because we seem to recall making a huge mess with mimosas by pouring the champagne in last, and wanted to eliminate any Bloody Mary beer fizz spillage. Our staff writer made faces as we poured. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: “I like the after-spice of the mix. The beginning is more beer-like and the ending is more Bloody Mary. The beginning you can taste the bitterness of a beer.” Immediate reaction: “Oh, this looks gross. I’m really nervous about this one. This is the one I was nervous about. Goddamn it, I’m gonna barf. (Tastes beer.) Okay – so it cancels out the beer taste for sure, so it feels like I’m just drinking Tabasco Bloody Mary mix. There’s a little hint of

beer and then the Bloody Mary takes over. I’d rather have a Bloody Mary, but it’s okay. It doesn’t smell great thought. (Drinks more.) Okay, I can’t drink that much of it.” Noob rating: 5 out of 5 Natty Lights

Internet advice: Drink beer in a green bottle because it’s “cute.” Who the eff...whatever. Let’s do this. The beer: We went with a beer that had a green label instead of a green bottle, which was Shiner Sea Salt and Lime. It’s surprisingly hard to find beer in a green bottle, at least in the mix-your-own-six-pack fridge at Discount Liquor over by Walmart. Shoutout to that tiny fridge, though. It saved us 10 percent AND kept us from having a bunch of gnarly leftover beer. Felt like a major win. Taste Profile, according to our staff writer: “It has a sweet swing to it. Not as awful as I thought. I thought this was gonna be the worst one and it isn’t. But not the idea. The specific beer.”

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WHO HATE BEER: Immediate reaction: “Oh, god. Whoever thought this would work is an idiot. I don’t have any faith in this idea cause it’s stupid. It’s just gonna taste like a beer I don’t like. (Drinks beer and then yells loudly, presumably because of all the beer she’d ingested.) SEA SALT AND LIME IS NOT BAD. But the green bottle idea is stupid. I don’t think drinking it out of a specific container changes it.” Noob rating: 3.5 out of 5 Natty Lights

Internet advice: Drink a canned cocktail that looks like a beer. The beer: Fugu Cucumber Vodka Soda This one doesn’t look like a beer. It looks like a La Croix, but it was what was hiding in the back of our fridge, so it wins by default, cause we forgot to grab a canned cocktail at the liquor store. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: “It tastes very cucumber-y, so it has a very kind of cool taste. It’s the opposite of bitter, I would say, but it’s also not overly sweet. It’s kind of in the middle.” Immediate reaction: “It smells good. (Drinks it.) I like that a lot. It’s not bitter at all. It’s got a nice soothing cucumber taste to it, and it’s fizzy, so you kind of feel like you’re drinking a sparkling water. It’s very soothing. I like that a lot.” Noob rating: 5 out of 5 Natty Lights

Internet advice: Mask the taste of the beer by drinking one that has ginger in it. The beer: Boulevard Ginger Lemon Radler We had some local ginger-infused beer in our fridge (a straggler leftover from a sampler pack), but opted to get a Boulevard version instead, just in case the shit-talking was strong afterwards. The only option in the singles was Boulevard Ginger Lemon Radler. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: “The lemon isn’t super strong, which I like. The ginger is more overpowering than the lemon.”

Immediate reaction: “All right. So this is ginger beer that I’m trying. Um, I like that cause it’s not as bitter as beers tend to be. There’s not really any bitterness with it. The citrus zing helps, and obviously the ginger. I feel like I’m drinking more of a weird soda than a beer. It doesn’t taste like a beer at all. It’s very citrusy. I would hang out in the summer and drink this on my porch, for sure. Might be my favorite so far. It tastes like I’m drinking sunshine.” Noob rating: 4 out of 5 Natty Lights

Internet advice: Drink a beer with fruit infusion. The beer: Rodenbach Fruitage This was the only fruit beer that came in singles, so we grabbed it, despite it looking REAL suspect. This thing looks nothing like a beer. It is tiny and red, and was somehow dwarfed by any human hand that handled it. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: “It tastes like I’m drinking a Red Bull right now. Like a slightly alcoholic energy drink. I can’t really taste any specific red fruit. I can’t pick it out really. It just tastes like a super processed sugary drink.” Immediate reaction: “I feel like I’m about to drink a Monster. It smells good. It smells really good. (Drinks beer.) This is good. I would drink this. It’s very fruity. It’s very sweet. I can’t identify any fruit in it, so I would compare it to drinking an energy drink or one of those canned margaritas. It says that it’s ‘red fruit,’ so I would guess cherries. This is a good party drink. It doesn’t look like a beer at all. I don’t really care if people think I’m drinking a beer or not. It’s a good, chill party drink. It’s not great but it’s not bad.”

it would be WAY more fun to give our subject a Red Stripe instead. We bought the giant 24-ounce bottle just to be extra awful. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: Disgusting. “Made me want to puke in the sink. It’s the opposite of what someone who doesn’t like beer should drink. If you don’t like beer, that is not a good thing.” Immediate reaction: “Holding it in my hand, it feels like a giant soda bottle. I feel a little trashy right now, even though I know it is fancy and brewed in Jamaica. I don’t think this is gonna taste good at all. (Drinks beer; makes horrible face and gags.) NO. NO NO NO. OH I HATED THAT. OH MY GOD I HATED THAT. My immediate reaction was to gag as soon as the aftertaste hit me, which was a sour taste, but not like the sour beer. This one had a nasty taste. Oh my god, that was so gross. I can’t drink any more of that. That’s as good as it’s gonna get.” Noob rating: 0 out of 5 Natty Lights; would be negative Natty Lights or an empty beer fridge if given the option.

Internet advice: Drink cider instead. The beer: Strongbow Cider. Strongbow Cherry Blossom Cider, to be specific. Goddamn it. This is cheating. Taste profile, according to our staff writer: “Very sweet.” Cherry and a little hint of apple. Not sure that’s actually in there, but that’s what she tasted. Extremely fruity.

Internet advice: Drink a red beer.

Immediate reaction: “Amen. This is right up my alley. If you don’t like beer, just drink a cider. It’s very sweet. I don’t think I could drink a LOT of these because it’s so sweet, but it’s much more preferable to drinking beer. I have a lot less anxiety drinking this because I don’t have to control my facial expressions after drinking it. Any time you have the option to take a cider, do it.”

The beer: Red Stripe

Noob rating: 5 out of 5 Natty Lights

Noob rating: 4 out of 5 Natty Lights

Yeah, we know what a red beer is, but we figured

—— Angelica Leicht

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 9

[beer]

Bring on the Riff Raff A brewery that names its beers after Grateful Dead songs, serves delicious blueberry hazy IPAs, and is haunted by a ghost who hides pennies? Of course the music/beer/ghost nerds at DGO jumped on the Riff Raff Brewing Co. bandwagon immediately. Head brewers Kyle Zeck and Caleb Cook, and Madeline Bergon, marketing and event coordinator, spoke to us this week about their growing Pagosa Springs brewery, their resident ghost, and what they’ll be doing at the 2018 Great American Beer Fest. How many years have you guys been going to Great American Beer Fest? Madeline Bergon: Since we opened, which was 2013. What are you guys going to be bringing to compete with at GABF this week? Madeline Bergon: So, we did two entries. We have the Sunshine Dreamer, which is our American Pale Ale, and then we got on the hazy train, and that one is Embrace the Fruitality – a hazy double IPA. So, those are the two competition beers, and then we’ll bring four to just pour on the floor. So why did you pick those two beers? Madeline Bergon: Well, our head brewer (Kyle Zeck) is pretty into hops, the dankness. So he’s really been playing around ever since he’s come on board, which was in 2016, with the pale ales, and then he’s introduced us to the whole hazy idea. He is originally from Pennsylvania, so he kind of had that influence before he moved out here to the west. He’s always really loved those styles. So we wanted to do something that he was really into.

Amanda Push/DGO

»» Head Brewer Kyle Zeck explains Riff Raff’s brewing system at the brewery’s original location. The space has a 3.5-barrel system.

Well, IPAs are huge this year, huh? Madeline Bergon: Yes, but luckily the haziness kind of took the heat off the regular IPA and pale ale category, so maybe there’s a little bit more of a chance there. How do you pick your names? What’s the process? Madeline Bergon: So, I got to name those two (Sunshine Dreamer and Embrace the Fruitality). And I named them before they were even brewed. Kyle, the head brewer, is a really big a Grateful Dead fan, so I was just kind of looking through different songs and references. Sunshine Dreamer is kind of a play on “Sunshine Daydream,” which is a Grateful Dead song. There’s another beer already named that though, so we went with Sunshine Dreamer. And then Embrace the Fruitality – my friend who works here had just gone hiking the CDT (Continental Divide Trail). She was like, ‘Well, one of the phrases on the trail is, ‘Embrace the brutality.’ I was like, ‘OK, well, we can’t name a beer that because that’s a little too aggressive. So let’s go with something fruity, some-

thing hazy. Let’s play with that.’ And then it just kind of turned into Embrace the Fruitality. So, it’s kind of a group effort. Sometimes brewers will have a really solid idea. Other times it’s more of a discussion with all the staff and kind of what people are feeling. It was interesting naming beers that haven’t actually been brewed yet. So why do you participate in the beer fest? Madeline Bergon: Well, Jason (Cox), who is one of the founders/owners of the company, he was a pretty big part of the Brewers Association when he lived up in Denver, so he always loved GABF. When he started a brewery down here, it was a no-brainer that he was going to go up and continue participating. And we continue now at this point just because it helps put Pagosa on the map a little bit more, too. At the booth, I always have a little laminated sheet that’s like, ‘Riff Raff lives here in Pagosa.’ Not too many people are familiar with it. It’s good for us to go up and see what’s new on the beer scene – how everybody’s doing kind of as a broader (group) than just

(the) Colorado base. You get to see what folks from the Midwest and Southeast and all those places are doing. Do you guys distribute? Kyle Zeck: A wee little bit. So we’re hoping to be able to distribute more in the next few months. Probably next year. We have a second location now. Madeline Bergon: We just got a 15-barrel system down at the second location – it’s about three-quarters of a mile down the street. This is a 3.5-barrel system, so these guys are double batching every day. Hopefully down there, we’ll be able to produce more in a little bit less time. When did the second location open? Madeline Bergon: The restaurant has been open since May, but the brewhouse will not be online for another six to eight weeks. It’s called Riff Raff on the Rio. It shares a space with San Juan Strains, which is a dispensary. Right on the river. Super awesome patio space. You’re within a couple yards of the river.

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Durango Diaries Season 2

Durango CuisineScene Sept. 25 • 6 p.m.

Sponsored By:

Durango Public Library 1900 East Third Ave. Local voices. Local stories. Welcome to Durango Diaries.

Amanda Push/DGO

»» Riff Raff Brewing got its name from a patron who felt like “riff-raff” at other breweries. want to create a place that anybody can go after work, and it’s OK if you’re dirty from construction, pouring concrete, or painting. You can come in looking classy (too). It’s totally fine. That was kind of the spark that led to the name, was their friend thinking like, ‘Man, I just want a place to go grab a beer after work.’ Did you guys start off in this location? Madeline Bergon: Yeah, so this building actually has a ton of history. It’s super cool. This building is one of the oldest in Pagosa. It was built in 1896. Over the years, it’s been a number of different things. It was a doctor’s office. It’s been a residence. Probably the most interesting – it was a mortuary. Amanda Push/DGO

»» Madeline Bergon, marketing and event coordinator for Riff Raff Brewing Co., gives a behind-the scenes-tour of the Pagosa facility’s brewing system.

So where did the name Riff Raff come from? Madeline Bergon: So we have five founding partners, and when they were first kicking around the idea of starting a brewery, there was an establishment in town that was a little bit higher end. One of their friends was saying, ‘Oh, man, I felt really bad going in there after work one day.’ He was a construction worker. He was like, ‘I just felt like riff-raff.’ And so the founders were like, ‘Oh, you know, we

From food trucks to ice cream parlors to restaurants, local chefs discuss the food scene in Durango. Storytellers include: Katie Burford, owner and head ice cream maker at Cream Bean Berry.

Marcos Wisner, owner of food truck collective and bar 11th Street Station.

Sean Clark, executive chef at Steamworks and El Moro.

Is this place haunted? Madeline Bergon: Oh, totally. Arabella? She hangs out with us. She likes the brewhouse a lot. Arabella – that’s the name that we decided on for the ghost. It’s been reported from other people that have occupied the space that she’s a woman in a brown dress. And when Shelly (Cox) – one of the co-founders – when she was looking at the history of the building, she found the name Arabella somewhere and she mentioned it to one of the previous owners of the building. She said both of them just got chills, and so they just decided that was the name. She is a trickster. She loves throwing pennies at people or leaving pennies in really weird spots.

Durang

Diaries

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FREE. Kid-friendly. Info at durangoherald.com/durangodiaries

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 11

A TALE OF

BREWERIES »» Two local breweries are using comics, punk music,

and a little innovation to fight against big beer, and each other, at the nation’s largest brew party Amanda Push | DGO STAFF WRITER

t is the hoppiest of times, it is the sudsiest of times. And by that, we mean it is time for two of Durango’s most beloved breweries, Ska Brewing Co. and Steamworks Brewing Co., to face off against each other, and breweries across the U.S., at the country’s largest beer party: the Great American Beer Festival in Denver. More than 800 big boy (and girl) beer-makers across the country will be heading to the Mile High City to show off their best batches and fight for the throne – or 102 thrones, rather – in a contest that pits lager against lager, and brewer against brewer. They’re about as far apart on the brewery personality spectrum as you can get, but Ska and Steamworks are both previous GABF winners, and both have managed to carve out a massive following of loyal patrons. One is steeped in comic book drawings and incorporates superstitions and a lot of rowdy music into the brewing process, and the other revels in a hearty, industrial style with an exhibitionist brewhouse. Both are known for their award-winning brews and their distinct but varied styles, and both have a pretty good shot at landing a spot on the winner’s list this year. So, prepare yourselves folks, cause Ska and Steamworks will be going head-to-head in a brewing battle of epic proportions, and things could get kinda sticky (and delicious). We spoke to both breweries about their unique styles, their killer beer, and their game plan for outdoing the competition – and each other – at this year’s GABF. Here’s what they had to say. Booze born of Ska

In one corner of the ring, you have skulls, ska, and comic book heroes fighting against beer with a serious case of the blahs. That is what Ska Brewing is punching with. It’s not often you hear of a company mapping out their business plan into a comic book, but Ska isn’t exactly what you would call textbook. Founded by Bill Graham, Dave Thibodeau, and Matt Vincent in 1995, the brewery has been marching to the tune of its own musical beat, ska music specifically, since it opened those punk rock kid doors. “Two of the owners grew up together out-

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side Denver. When they were in high school, they were into the ska kind of punk scene, so they would listen to ska music a lot, and when they started homebrewing, they would always listen to ska music,” said Kristen Muraro, sales and marketing director at Ska. “It kind of became this criteria where they had to be listening to ska music while they brewed, and they had to drink one of the beers from their previous batch. Kind of superstitious, I guess.” When the time came for the owners to name the brewery, they decided the pay homage to the soundtrack of their adolescence:

ska music. It stuck, and the brewery stuck in Durango, earning a spot as one of the most adored rowdy kid breweries in the Four Corners.

Ska game plan This year, Ska brewers will be entering its Oktoberfest German-Style Lager, Mexican Logger, Berliner Weisse, and True Blonde Ale into the GABF contest, four styles that vary on the beer spectrum, but are strong contenders for a spot on the top of the list. After all, Continued on Page 14

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 13

From Page 13

some of them have already landed there in previous years. Ska brought home a bronze medal from the 2016 GABF for their Mexican Logger, which was judged in the American-Style or International-Style Pilsner category. The beer also won a silver medal in 2015 in the same section. In 2016, Ska earned a bronze medal for its True Blonde in the English-style Summer Ale category at World Beer Cup, which, while not GABF, is a good indicator of the one-two punch of the Blonde.

Party pours But Ska is doing an even bigger solid for the folks flocking to beer fest as patrons, because their beer won’t be limited to the four styles they’re entering in the competition. They’re going to pour Pink Vapor Stew, Rue B. Soho, Oktoberfest German-Style Lager, Mexican Logger for the public, along with a new beer that you can’t snag off the shelf quite yet called Moral Panic. »» Visitors enjoy testing out the different Ska brews at the brewery’s tasting room. “It’s a brut IPA that hasn’t even been released yet, but we’ll be bringing the only keg we have right now to the “So originally, the owners wrote a comic book as beer festival,” said Muraro. “It’s like a drier-type IPA kind of their business plan, but it was basically this with not as bitter (of a taste) – kind of champagne battle with Rotgutzen (International Beverage Cor– like we say. So, more dry like champagne. But you poration). That was the name in the comic books, get that tropical, hop aroma and, like, some of that but it’s actually kind of like Budweiser that we’re hop flavor without the bitterness that a lot of hoppy battling, and big beer,” said Muraro. “And in the beers have. So it’s just more of a crisp, clean, dry comic book, there’s all these characters, and so a lot IPA. It’s a newer style. There’s not many of them out of those characters are what you see on our cans there yet, but we think it’s what people are going to and the names. So, like True Blonde is Lana Lovibe wanting.” bond, and she’s in our comic book. She’s one of the heroes, and so that’s who that character is on that Roots radical can.” Music is also influential in the decision to name If you are steeped in knowledge of old(ish) punk a beer. Take Moral Panic, for instance, which was music, you can probably guess where the beer monnamed in reference to the ska scene. ikers like Rue B. Soho, Moral Panic, and Pink Vapor “There were the mods and the rockers, and there Stew originated, but we thought it important to was this kind of battle between them. And so it was check where the Ska staff is digging up these names like Moral Panic tied into that a little bit. So, there’s anyway. usually a tie into something in our past, whether it’s “Very strategic, well thought out,” Muraro said, the comic book, or music, or a person, or a friend,” before cracking into a smirk, unable to keep a Muraro said. straight face, because, well, the very idea of Ska having a very straight-laced meeting to name a drink Community reigns supreme after a Rancid song – you know the one: “Destination unknown, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho” – is After 23 years of business, today Ska distributes amusing. to 12 different markets – Colorado being their bigSome of the names come from the Ska comic book gest – and to as far away as Sweden and the United – The Tales of the Legion of Ska – a David and GoliKingdom. But while their beers might be shipped off ath-like tale involving a wickedly smirking skeleton to the other side of the world, Ska puts its roots first. villain dressed as a mobster, along with three dudes “I would say that we’ve always been community minded. One of our core values is ‘community who just want to make good beer, and a beautiful reigns supreme,’” said Muraro. “I think when they blonde who’s out to save them.

Ska Brewing

first opened the brewery, the first place to put us on tap in town was Carvers (Brewing Company). I think that just speaks volumes to just, you know, not only the brewing community but the Durango community. We all work together and help each other out. We know we wouldn’t be where we are today without Durango and the community.”

Steamworks won’t be derailed If you’re paying attention, the first thing you’ll see when you walk into downtown Durango’s Steamworks are two benches made of truck bed doors. It only goes uphill, or perhaps off-road, from there. “I think in terms of a brewpub, you have to have three things, and it’s the ambiance or atmosphere, good beer, (and) good food, and I think we’re hitting on all those factors pretty well,” said Ken Martin, head brewer at Steamworks. “Not to toot my own horn, but (the) beer’s alright.” Industrial and historically styled – with towering rafters, large pipes running along the ceiling, copper kettles, and bikes lining the walls – Steamworks captures a casual and warm vibe where all are welcome. It feels a bit like the antithesis of Ska, with a sports-meets-family-dinner vibe and a full kitchen. And, if you’re sitting at the right angle, you can catch a full view of the brewing workspace. “People can get an understanding of what goes into brewing because they’re actively brewing when we’re sitting here eating. A lot of times breweries are just kind of pushed back to the back some

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to style to fit into the competition categories. “It’s helpful that we have quite a few beers that have medaled in the past now, so we can feel pretty confident with those recipes,” said Martin, who won’t be attending GABF this year. “So, as long as we hit our marks in the brewhouse and fermentation side, it at least has a chance.” Earlier this year, the brewery took home a gold award in the dark lager category at the 2018 World Beer Cup, knocking out breweries from all over the world to do so. And, in 2016, the brewery won two silver medals at GABF, taking one for its Slam Dunkel in the German-style wheat ale category, and another for its Backside Stout in the oatmeal stout category.

Tough crowd – and tough competitors But these days, the competition draws such a large number of brewers, medaling – even for one of Durango’s top breweries – can prove difficult. Steamworks Brewing Co. “Some of the (GABF) catego»» While an exhibition-style kitchen is pretty common, it’s pretty rare for a brewhouse like Steamworks to be openly visible to patrons. ries are really big,” Martin said. “The Kolsch category last year, I patrons is a little more rare,” said Marthink, was 115 entries. There’s no small categories anymore... If a beer every now and then doesn’t tin. move on, well, it’s not like going back to the drawing in 1996 by Brian McEachron Founded board and re-inventing the wheel, but you might and Kris Oyler, the brewery has need to fine-tune some things.” remained in its original location, a 100-year-old building that at one point Brewery bonafides and time served as a 1920s car dealerAside from the interest it might pique at the brewship. Today, the brewery distributes house, placing in the top at competitions like GABF only in Colorado. On the weekends, the football game can help them stand out in the market, not only as rules over the noise of idle converfar as the bottom line goes, but also against what sation – especially if the Broncos are Hupp refers to as a “passionate industry.” playing – but to categorize it as a sports “So being able to stand out is not only something that makes us proud,” Hupp said. “But it also gives bar is to severely underestimate the the consumer a little more confidence to whittle brewpub. down where they’re going to focus their energy and “We’ve got a lot of locals that come money.” in, regulars, all the time. We have a lot “For the brewers, it’s like the only recognition of investors...34 percent of our staff and honor that we have,” said Martin. “I think for a here are invested in the company, and company as a whole, I think more and more people the rest are folks within the communiare taking more notice of the beers that do win comty. So, that makes this place their first choice to come to support that,” said petitions. There’s like 6,500 breweries out there right Hupp. now, and some of them are making bad beer – I hate to say it.” Beer battle plans The festival is also a good way for the Steamworks Ska Brewing to partner with other businesses – they’ll be partThis year for the GABF competi»» In 2017, Ska Brewing Company was ranked the 9th largest craft brewtion, Steamworks is submitting their nering with French 75 of Denver to do a beer and ery in an 8-state Mountain West region by the Brewers Association. Steam Engine Lager – the second-most where,” said Susan Hupp, sales and event coordinafood pairing at GABF – and learn more about beer, decorated beer in Colorado, which has a whopping while making connections with other breweries, tor for Steamworks. won seven medals – along with Night Train Lager, said Hupp. “An exhibition-style kitchen is pretty common, Backside Stout, and Colorado Kolsch, beers brewed “Everyone’s got their mind on beer for this week.” but I think for a brewhouse to be this visible to the �� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 15

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[weed]

A Birthday Cake (cake, cake, cake, cake) review I grew up in a pretty darn conservative household, and as a teenager, everything fun was off limits – especially (gasp) early era MTV and HBO. But, being the rebel without a cause that I am, I used to skirt around said restrictions by plugging the cord to the massive old satellite into the beat up old tube TV in my bedroom after my mom fell asleep. (There is a point to this story and it involves weed. Stay with me.) One of those nights, I found a fascinating documentary about ladies of the night that I THOUGHT was an episode of HBO’s Real Sex, and I knew I wanted to watch it again. The only problem was that I had no idea what the hell the episode was, other than it was about sex workers, and I straight could not find it. Over the years, I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to dig up that ONE EPISODE. Well, it turns out the reason I couldn’t find it was because it wasn’t Real Sex; it was a documentary called “Hookers at the Point.” How do I know this, you ask? Well, I FOUND IT the night I smoked Birthday Cake, the strain we’re reviewing this week from Prohibition Herb. LOOK AT ME NOW, MA. Anyway, let’s discuss Birthday Cake. This strain is a hybrid created by crossing two killer strains: GSC (the strain formerly known as Girl Scout Cookies) and Cherry Pie. You cannot go wrong with either of them, and you can’t go wrong with their offspring, Birthday Cake, either. This strain’s effects are freakin’ fascinating, just like my old-ass documentary. I smoked Birthday Cake with a friend one random Saturday afternoon. We lit up the pipe and chatted about how good this strain smells and tastes – kinda sweet and herbal, but not harsh in any way – and then I flipped on, you guessed it, “Hookers at the Point,” which a stoned bout of Googling had FINALLY led me to. I knew right after it started that this was the right one. We both sat there glued to the TV, mouths agape, with clear heads and a slight case of the giggles. But as I watched those women tell their stories, I felt myself sinking into that stoned hole of relaxation, and in turn, further into my

Details Where to find Birthday Cake (cake, cake, cake...): You can only find Birthday Cake in a Rihanna song or at Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino Del Rio, 970-385-8622, prohibitionherb.com Caveats: Prohibition didn’t send us any real cake to bribe us for a good review, although that would have been sweet. The opinions are all our own. own head. And then, nothing. Things go blank. The next thing I remember, someone is standing over me saying, “Holy shit. You really crashed out.” I looked across the couch and the friend I’d smoked with was also passed out, and could not be roused for anything. Turns out we made it through all of like 15 minutes of the damn documentary before passing the eff out like little babies. I don’t even remember my eyes getting heavy. It was basically, “awake, awake, awake, awake, fascinated/slightly horrified, and then dead to the world.” We retested Birthday Cake again a few days later just to be sure, and again, things started off clear-headed, delved into hungry territory, and then the sleepy-time feels kicked in. Out we went, like stoned little lights. Those are all good things, except maybe sleeping through the one documentary I’ve been dying to watch. So, if you want to chill the hell out to the point where ain’t nothin’ gettin’ in your way, Birthday Cake is for you. And as a bonus, you’ll be wide awake long enough that you can fill your belly with snacks before you enter a weed tomb. Just make sure you flip on something boring, or at least DVR what you’re watching first, cause you ain’t makin’ it to the end. You just aren’t. —— DGO Pufnstuf

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[weed]

Awake, stoned, and starving after Sunburn If you’re a regular reader of these reviews, you will not be surprised to learn that Sunburn, the sativa strain we’re reviewing from Pagosa Therapeutics this week, followed the trend of ALL of this dispensary’s strains, and it borderline killed me. In a good way, mind you, but still. Death was near. Because I am a bad friend, and I KNEW I would probably end up so stoned that I was a human puddle, I had a friend smoke Sunburn with me the night before this review was due. (Procrastination is kinda my thing.) I decided to bring said friend into the mix because I wanted to weigh my level of stoned against hers after we smoked, mostly for vindication purposes. And vindicated I was. I made sure to warn her beforehand that every. single. one. of Pagosa Therapeutics’ strains have kicked me onto the surface of Mars. It was quickly apparent, though, that she thought I was exaggerating, and while I stopped smoking about halfway into the shared bowl, she kept going. And going. And going. I only ingested about half of what she did, and immediately felt stoned off my proverbial and literal ass. My face was moving in waves, my brain felt like a marshmallow, and I was highly, highly amused with our nonsense conversation. She seemed a’ight at first, too. We then grabbed like 3 million snacks and settled into the couch for the ride. I was awake, high as actual hell, and digging my face moving in waves. There I was, shoveling fruit gummies in my mouth and minding my own business, when a hysterical bout of laughter from the newly minted hyena next to me broke the spell. I looked over at my pal, who was bent over laughing while staring at her hands. Here’s what happened, according to my notes: “(My friend) has been laughing to herself for like, 20 minutes, and I asked her what was so funny, and she just laughed hysterically.” Me: “HAHAHAHAHA holy shit, what are you laughing at.” Her: “HAHAHAHAHA! I don’t know! HAHAHAHAHA.” The answer was so ridiculous that it

Details Where to find Sunburn: Just avoid sunscreen, or go to Pagosa Therapeutics, 235 Bastille Dr., Pagosa Springs. Find them at (970) 731-4420 or pagosatherapeutics.com

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Price: $20 a gram set me off, and we both sat there laughing like idiots for a minute. I still have no idea why she was looking at her hands while laughing, and she apparently has no recollection of it today. Life’s mysteries.

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I then went back to feelin’ my high, just livin’ inside my own wobbly, creampuffed brain. That lasted all of 60 seconds before the spell was once again broken, this time by someone mashing their hand against the microwave buttons. All of them. All at once. I looked over into the kitchen, and there stood my friend, who’d apparently managed to find her way into the pantry, where she found some Easy Mac. Unfortunately, she could not figure out how to work the microwave to cook said Easy Mac, and had been standing there muttering and laughing to herself while pressing and clearing the buttons for either the timer or the clock, but not the cook buttons to start the damn thing. I’m a jerk, so I just let it continue, laughing and taking notes all the while. She never did figure out how to use the microwave, and I’m pretty sure a sad bowl of open Easy Mac is still on my counter as we speak. So, if you want to be so stoned you can’t figure out how to cook a microwave meal meant for children, you should grab yourself some Sunburn. You’ll be awake, stoned, and potentially starving, but you’ll love every minute of it. We did, anyway. —— DGO Pufnstuf

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 17

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t has been a while since I ran a CannaBoss column. Truth be told, the level of the company in this category – folks like Dr. Raphael Mechoulam, the scientist who discovered THC; or Jack Herer, the man who exposed the political chicanery surrounding the prohibition of our sweet, sweet herbal friend AND brought that information to the masses before becoming the inspiration for one of the headiest weed strains ever bred; or Dennis Peron, the man who jump-started the medical marijuana movement – creates such a high standard that it’s tough to find others deserving of a place among such an elite cadre. Yes, the standard to become a CannaBoss is high, but there are folks who may be overlooked by the average weed consumer. I am referring to the people who work year after year to discover, create, and bring diversity to us, the happily altered masses. I’m talking about the strain hunters and breeders out there, the ladies and gentlemen who travel the world to discover regional specialty cultivars and bring them back for inclusion into the cornucopia of options available to the modern stoner, breeders, and growers. I will focus in the upcoming issues on this crew of dreamers who have their hands in the dirt with stories profiling them every few weeks. Today’s installment will focus on an individual who is near and dear to my heart, DJ Short, a man whose Cannabis Cup-winning Blueberry, a cross of Afghani and Thai landraces, was used to create the foundation for scores of today’s favorite smokes, including my beloved Blue Cheese and the ubiquitous Blue Dream. A son of Michigan, DJ Short grew up at the knee of his pot-growing great-grandmother, and has spent most of the past several decades in Oregon. He is also responsible for the magic found in the Flo, Azure Haze, and Vanilluna genetics, and has turned his passion into a family legacy by way of his son, JD Short, who is

»» DJ Short’s Cannabis Cup-winning Blueberry, which was used to create the foundation for scores of today’s strains, including the ubiquitous Blue Dream (pictured). responsible for the heavily sedative, indica-dominant Whitaker Blues cut. The pseudonymous Short belongs to the old-school class of cannabis creators, who pooled the landraces available as the planet’s bounty in the 1970s and ’80s, and kickstarted the revolution of hybrids we enjoy in the 21st Century. Short’s early days of breeding were replete with sativas, equatorial giants with lanky, long-maturing growth process that make them among the most difficult to place in indoor grows, which have long been favored by scientific-minded technicians and people trying to keep below the radar of law enforcement. He took his cues during the development of his lineages from his nose, and from the way the new stock made him feel. By 1981, he had given birth to Blueberry, the product of Thai Highland and Purple sativas on its maternal side, and a patriarchal lineage consisting of an Afghani indica. It created a hybrid that was much easier to grow, while combining the best attributes of its parentage. The rest, as they say, is history. Short has been a leader in the creation of new strains and a model to breeders, especially as the explosion of cannabis has built steam over the past 30-plus years. Treat yourself this week to a puff influenced by DJ Short, a true CannaBoss. Christopher Gallagher lives with his wife and their four dogs and two horses. Life is pretty darn good. Contact him at chrstphrgallagher@gmail.com.

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[happening] DGO picks in and around Durango

Thursday Kiwanis Annual Pancake Day,

7 a.m., $10, La Plata County Fairgrounds, 2500 Main Ave., 749-5582.

Doggy do-gooders Love puppies, kitties, and a buncha badass grown-up music? Sweet. Then we have the event for you. We’re talking about the Humane Society Benefit Concert Featuring Wells & van Tyn, which features a ton of story-telling artists from genres like folk to Celtic music, and everything else under the word-smithing sun. It’s a musical good time, and there’s a benefit: All the money raised will go to the La Plata County Humane Society, and those cute furry creatures they take care of (that you should adopt). Details: Sept. 21, Humane Society Benefit Concert, 6:30 p.m., $15, La Plata Humane Society, 1111 South Camino del Rio, lpchumanesociety.org

Mostly ghostly Ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, EVERYBOOOOODY. Or everybody without a body? Whatever. There’s a ghost walk, and it’s gon’ be awesome, cause it’s gon’ be led by resident paranormal observer and Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad museum curator Jeff Ellingson, who will guide you to some creepy, crawly, otherworldly junk at some of the most haunted places at the railroad. Everybody loves train ghosts, right? Or railyard, warehouse, box car, and museum ghosts? You get the ghostly gist. Details: Sept. 22, Ghost Crawl: Haunted Durango Train Museum Experience, 9 p.m., $25, 479 Main Ave., durangotrain.com/events

Integrating Software Workshop, 10 a.m., Farmington Small

Business Development Center (SBDC), 5101 College Blvd. Anasazi Heritage Center Curation Tours, 2 p.m., Anasazi Heri-

tage Center, 27501 Colorado Highway 184, 882-5600.

Jerry McBride/BCI Media file

Howlin’ wolf There are wolves in Durango – well, Ignacio, to be exact – and those wolves need your help. We’re talking about the howlin’ puppies over at Wolfwood Refuge, the rescue that takes in wolves and wolf dogs that have been abused or abandoned. Those puppies aren’t free to feed, or house, or take care of, so you should help them, and the folks running Wolfwood, out by hangin’ out at the Wolfwood 7th Annual Art and Silent Auction. You can jam out to music by Lacey Black and get yo’ drink and bid on, all for a good cause. Details: Sept. 22, Wolfwood 7th Annual Art and Silent Auction, 5 p.m., $25, Durango Silverton Railroad Station GRANGE, 479 Main Ave, wolfwoodrefuge.org

$15, Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Avenue, 259-2606. Smelter Mountain Boys, 7 p.m.,

11th Street Station, 1101 Main Ave. Evan Michaels, 9 p.m., $5, Wild

Horse Saloon, 601 E. Second Ave., 375-2568.

Saturday

a.m., Hospice of Montezuma - Community Room, 512 N. Broadway. Matter Of Balance, 2:30 p.m., San Juan Regional Medical Center, 800 W. Maple. Manhattan Monday, 5 p.m., Find Password for entry on our website. bookcaseandbarber.com $5 Manhattan Password on social media, The Bookcase & Barber, 601 E. Second Ave.

Behind the Scenes Curation Tour, 2 p.m., Canyons of the Ancients

dation, 730 S. Lake St.

Classic Movie Mondays, 8 p.m., Pine River Public Library, 395 Bayfield Center Drive, 884-2222.

National Monument Visitor Center & Museum, 27501 Highway 184.

San Juan Water & Agriculture Symposium, 7:15 a.m., McGee

Tuesday

Meet State Senate Candidate Guinn Unger in Cortez, 5 p.m.,

Park, 41 Road 5568.

National Voter Registration Day, 9 a.m., Dolores Public Library,

38th Annual Cancer Walk-athon, 7 a.m., San Juan Medical Foun-

Thom Rader, 8 a.m., Durango

WildEdge Brewing Collective, 111 N. Market St., Cortez.

Farmers Market, 259 W. Ninth St.

Geology and Mars Lecture Dr. Kirsten Seibach from Rice University lectures, 5:30 p.m.,

9 a.m., $55-$75, Purgatory Ski Resort, 100 Skier Place.

$2-$20, Vallecito Room at Fort Lewis College Student Union, 1000 Rim Drive. Salamander Trio, 6:30 p.m., 11th

Street Station, 1101 Main Ave. Durango Chautauqua Thomas Alva Edison, 7 p.m., Durango

Arts Center, 802 East Second Ave., 259-2606.

Friday Joe Curry & Friends Classical Quartet, 10 a.m., Cortez Public Li-

Mountain Marmot Trail Run,

Touch A Truck, 10:30 a.m., Durango Public Library, 1900 E. Third Ave., 375-3380. Yoga & Brews, 11 a.m., $15,

WildEdge Brewing Collective, 111 N. Market St. ‘Jubilee’Visual Sounds of Freedom, Art of Nadya and Tron, 5

p.m., Bomdiggity – Mancos Mystical Market, 550 Railroad Ave., Mancos. ‘Circus In Wonderland’ with The Durango Circus, 7 p.m.,

Free Legal Fair - San Juan County, noon, Eleventh Judicial Dis-

$25-$35. Tickets are $25 in advance and $35 at the door. Purchase tickets online at www.animascitytheatre.com, Animas City Theatre, 128 E. College Drive, 799-2281.

trict Courthouse, 103 S. Oliver.

Live music by Sway Wild, 7 p.m.,

STEAM Lab, 3:30 p.m., Durango

Suggested $10 donation, Outlier Cellars, 141 South Main St.

brary, 202 N Park St.

Public Library, 1900 East Third Ave., 375-3380.

»» Jeff Ellingson, Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad Train Museum curator, will lead the Ghost Crawl: Haunted Durango Train Museum Experience.

Humane Society Benefit Concert: Wells & van Tyn, 7 p.m.,

Desert Thunder Band, 8 p.m.,

Fall Gallery Walk with Phyllis Stapler - Artist Reception, 5

$5, Wild Horse Saloon, 601 East Second Ave., 375-2568.

p.m., Sorrel Sky Gallery, 828 Main Ave., 247-3555.

‘Circus In Wonderland’ with The Durango Circus, 9 p.m.,

Fall Gallery Walk, 5 p.m., Karyn

$25-$35. Tickets are $25 in advance and $35 at the door. Purchase tickets online at www.animascitytheatre.com, Animas City Theatre, 128 E. College Drive, 799-2281.

Gabaldon Fine Arts, 680 Main Ave., 247-9018. The Ben Gibson Band plays Machos north, 5 p.m., Macho’s

Fast Mexican Food, 1485 Florida Road.

Fall Gallery Walk with Phyllis Stapler - Exhibition, All Day,

Forever Young: An ’80s Prom Birthday Bash for The Boys & Girls Club of La Plata County,

Sorrel Sky Gallery, 828 Main Ave., 247-3555.

5:30 p.m., $20, The DoubleTree Hotel, 501 Camino Del Rio.

Sunday

Prime Rib Dinner for Habitat for Humanity, 6 p.m., $20, SunRay

Free Community Yoga, 9:30

Park & Casino, 39 Road 5568.

a.m., Dolores Public Library, 1002 Railroad Ave., 882-4127.

Benefit Concert for La Plata County Humane Society, 6:30

Yoga for Chronic Pain: A Therapeutic Workshop, 11 a.m., $35,

p.m., $15, Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Avenue, 259-2606. ‘Circus In Wonderland’ with The Durango Circus, 7 p.m.,

$25-$35. Tickets are $25 in advance and $35 at the door. Purchase tickets online at www.animascitytheatre.com, Animas City Theatre, 128 E. College Drive, 799-2281.

Yogadurango, 1485 Florida Road, Bldg. C #201. The Black Velvet Trio, 4 p.m.,

Balcony Bar & Grill, 600 Main Ave., 422-8088.

Monday Veteran’s Connect Forum, 10

1002 Railroad Ave., 882-4127, Dolores. Roll ebike demo days, 10 a.m., Lake Nighthorse, 1795 County Road 210. Stress, Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, 5:30 p.m., Durango Public Library, 1900 E. Third Ave. Purgatory Sports Shop Ride,

6:30 p.m., Purgatory Sports, 2615 Main Ave. Fall Gallery Walk with Phyllis Stapler - Exhibition, All Day,

Sorrel Sky Gallery, 828 Main Ave., 247-3555.

Wednesday Old Fort Farm Stand, 1 p.m., Fort Lewis College Student Union, 1000 Rim Drive. Diabetes Education Class,

4:30 p.m., Sycamore Park Community Center, 1051 Sycamore St. League of Women Voters La Plata Candidate Forum, 5 p.m.,

Bayfield Town Hall, 1199 Bayfield Pkwy. Citizens Climate Lobby Monthly meeting, 5:30 p.m., Hi-

malayan Kitchen, 992 Main Ave.

Ongoing Henry Stoy plays piano at 10:30 a.m. every Saturday and Sunday at Jean-Pierre Bakery and Wine Bar, 601

Main Ave. Old west stage shows are held at 5:30 p.m. nightly throughout the summer at Bar D Chuckwagon, 8080

County Road 250. Cost is $12-$38 and reservations are preferred. To reserve, visit www.bardchuckwagon. com.

Submissions Submit events for the next week online by noon Monday at www.swscene. com. DGO publishes events online and in print every Thursday.

�� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 19

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Horoscope ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You will be involved in a hands-on way at work this week. In fact, you might be just as directly involved in matters related to your health, or even a pet.

You are in a precise frame of mind this week about financial matters. You want the facts and you want to understand things clearly. Then you might explain them to someone else clearly.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20)

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

You want to feel that you have creative freedom this week. You want to play, party and talk to others freely about your hopes and dreams!

This week, the Sun and Mercury are lined up in your sign, which means you will be busy having conversations with others. You want to get your point of view across, and you might also initiate or begin something new this week.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) This is a good week for family discussions about family businesses or about how to make repairs to your home. Everyone has an opinion! CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You are mentally determined this week. In speaking to others, you will say what you mean and mean what you say.

Bizarro

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)

will be vibrant and lively this week! It will stimulate you and make you feel enthusiastic about life. You might learn something. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) A discussion with a boss or parent will be very much to the point this week. You are keen to let this person know your thoughts about something, but you are also interested to hear what he or she has to say.

es and shared property because you are clear and to the point. People will understand what you want. PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) You might attract someone this week who is talkative and dynamic! Whatever the case, expect to have lively discussions with others! BORN THIS WEEK

This is a wonderful week for research of any kind. You have a lot of mental enthusiasm to dig deep for the answers you’re looking for or solutions to old problems.

This is a fabulous week to study anything. Your mind is curious and focused. It’s also an excellent week to write or teach. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

You are honest and truthful. You are observant and coordinated when dealing with different structures. This year, you will simplify your life and build solid foundations. Hard work and effort will pay off. Focus your energy in one direction. Physical exercise is important. Explore yoga, martial arts or jogging – any physical discipline that you enjoy.

You will make headway in important discussions this week about inheritanc-

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

A conversation with someone younger

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

Hoppy hour Drunk bumps At any given time, 0.7 percent of the world is drunk, which means that about 50 million people are drunk RIGHT NOW, us included. Sudsy schoolchildren Kids had it made until the 1970s in Belgium, because a thing called table beer was served in schools refectories. Very serious phobias Did you know that there’s a phobia involving the fear of an empty beer glass? It’s called cenosillicaphobia, and it’s the thirstiest phobia ever. A no good, very bad hangover There is a record for the world’s longest hangover, and it’s FOUR WEEKS. It happened after a Scotsman inexplicably consumed 60 pints of beer, drowning his liver in deliciousness and sorrow. Schlitz, schmidtz You may not like to DRINK Schlitz beer, but they’re the ones who invented those sweet brown bottle tall boys. Naughty North Dakota Apparently people in the state of North Dakota drink more beer than anyone, because, well, they live in North Dakota.

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[single life]

SWIPE RIGHT

If your love life is shattered like your iPhone screen, perhaps you should consider this week’s single, a man who might be able to repair both your heart and your device. He’s a tech-disdaining techie with a knack for fixing things, and if you’re clumsy like us, with a perpetually smashed phone screen, his handiness might come in handy. If you’re interested, send us an email from behind that broken screen at dgohotsingles@dgomag.com and tell us about yourself. Or, shoot us an email to be featured as a single. Either way, reach out and touch us via the interwebs. We’re here for you.

Nash McNichol

that live on the property with me and four family members.

Age: I am 21 years old.

Why are you single?

Occupation: I am a full-time student and full-time business owner, with no personal life. I run Tech-Nichol, which is full-time device repair. Sign: I’m on the cusp of Aries and Taurus. It’s great because it is supposed to be sexual aggression and sexual detention, so it is polar opposites bouncing back and forth consistently. What’s your poison? Scotch. Scotch with a cigar. I’m an old man on the inside. I went straight for the burning taste. There’s something nice about drinking scotch. It keeps you warm. What’s your favorite phone? A Nokia flip phone for one purpose, and one purpose only. You could flip it open, type in the numbers and press call, instead of waking up your phone, unlocking your phone, typing in your

unlock password, then going to the phone app, then typing in the phone number, and then pressing call. Even though you’re a tech guy? Do you like technology? No. I don’t. I really wish we were still in a tribalistic era where we had to go and hunt our things, and there was a pack mentality associated with it. But I definitely love technology in the sense that because of it, I can be self-employed and do what I do. I live on a 36-acre farm with goats, geese, and chickens. I’ve got about 60 animals

If you knew the answer to that question, I’d probably give you my business. That’s the joke. The answer is, I’m just really particular. I just don’t really like easy things. I don’t like the instant gratification or reward. I like the process of trial. I definitely don’t go out a lot. I don’t try hard enough. But I’m off after 6 p.m. every day. What does a typical weekend look like for you? A typical weekend for me is spacing myself out from the routine, probably going hiking or climbing. I like hammocking, slacklining, longboarding, and being active. What qualities do you look for in a lady? Great question. You know, it’s the funniest thing: If the apocalypse were upon us, they would have to be able

to survive. So really, I look for a fit personality. Not wanting to sit around and watch Netflix all day. I don’t want to do that. She doesn’t need to laugh at all my jokes. Honestly, I’d appreciate it more if she told me when my jokes were stupid rather than silly. Also, an edge. She’s got to have a little sharpness to her. How am I supposed to describe it? I think chemistry will make its way. What’s different about you that people maybe don’t know about you? I am a natural leader when I get the opportunity. The only problem is being an introvert, you don’t really find the right times to talk to people or voice your opinion. But I have the common interest of others as high as my own personal interests, and that’s something I feel people don’t see in me because I freeze up or stutter when I talk, or I get really nervous. I also play five different instruments and sing.

[Odd Rot, by Patty Templeton]

Fiend Club Patty Templeton loves decorative gourd season. Chat her up about how rad autumn is on Twitter via @PattyTempleton. �� Thursday, September 20, 2018 | 23

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