BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat

Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we've all met, know and love... the Expat.

Today we speak to the 'Algarvian

Unrelenting Standards

Watchdog' about their service demands that are seldom met. We warmly greet Chastity Piety-Pomp originally from a Connecticut dynasty going back many fine generations and Margaret Bucks-Major from the most secluded part of Surrey, England.

Might I ask why you started the association and what you hope it will bring to the ExPat community?

Margaret: Firstly, may I just say what an insubstantial introduction. You may refer to me as Lady! Chastity: Yes and kindly please refer to me as your Grace. Margaret: In answer to your ill-formed question, having moved to the Algarve less than a year ago and having lived in finery internationally, we felt the necessity to teach the natives about the definition of impeccable service. I left Monaco having exhausted the population and so my quest continues to new shores. Chastity: Think of us as missionaries, tirelessly imposing etiquette, philanthropy, opportunism. Young man, displease us at your peril. Margaret: Now, might we remind the readers, we are not talking to vulgar ExPats who frequent the local bars or belch beer. Such unbearable people disturb our constitutions. We are magnets, attracting the refined and delicate, though they should remember that we are the unassailable thoroughbreds in this search for splendour. Chastity: Indeed, we are offering a reference point of obedience to our demands, a catalogue if you will, like Harper's Bazaar. Few make the cut, such as you, you are classless. We also feel having graced the Algarve, we should teach others our relentless complaint techniques to push the exceedingly tight purse of our great expectations.

Lady, your Grace, please inform us of your recent pursuits relating to services in the Algarve?

Margaret: Certainly, very good. Mummy, God rest her soul, taught me in Rhodesia when I was a child, to always expect more from the waiting staff. My husband and I were invited to a business networking soiree the other night. The table of twelve of us banqueting were all far too hot in the hotel garden courtyard. The abysmal service was too slow, however busy, so we drank many bottles of Champagne. The heat was stifling with an unbearable thirty minute wait! I said to the very rude hotel waitress, why can't you have aromatic air-conditioning outside? The place also smelt like a sewer! She said this was not possible. So I said fan me. The beastly ignoramus refused! In the end, we left without paying for anything because of their appalling service. Chastity: They dared to send their Valet to pursue us down the road saying they would take us to court! Margaret: I said, "how very dare you!" My international lawyer, Giles, from Richmond would destroy them, so I commanded, cease or die fools!

Lady, that seems very unreasonable!

Me, Unreasonable... The customer is always right and especially ones as rich as me. I wrote a very angry review on Tripadvisor saying the hotel must learn to control the weather outside to make their guests comfortable. I was enraged! Similarly, I will be reporting you to your journalism association if indeed you belong to one, which I very much doubt you repulsive vulgarian! Chastity: Indeed, I have gone through 40 builders and countless maid staff, ruining the livelihoods of many. It is why social media is such a welcome invention. Complaints, harassment and terror are so much easier without being breathed on by the revolting people. You must understand we do not over encourage the underclass or raise their expectations beyond their rightful place. It is very tacky to overpay or tip these people. Less than the minimum wage is more than satisfactory. Generosity spares the rod! For instance, I found an illegal immigrant who lives in our ramshack wooden outhouse. She will do, and if she is lucky she will have a full 1 Euro tip for cleaning my 8 bed Quinta at Christmas.

Margaret, Grace, you sound utterly cruel!

Margaret: Address me incorrectly one more time Sir and I will rap your forehead! Chastity: Don't ruin your manicure Margaret, I'll hit him with my handbag. Giles has gotten me out of worse scrapes!

Ladies, do not wave your fists at me!

Margaret: Surly, impertinent, rude… Handbags rain down their terror. Chastity: that was an Hermes classic and your head has broken the strap! Both: Expect a letter from Giles, our lawyer! Ruffian! Margaret: You are worse even than the natives! This is the worst interview I have ever had in my life, you disgusting putrid little crustacean! Unbearable! Chastity: Well! I have never been more insulted! Call this journalism?! I call it guttural!

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NURSING CARE Here when you need us

The family-run Amesbury Abbey Group off ers an elegant retirement in country house style at Monte da Palhagueira.

For those who are looking for the reassurance of constant professional care, our nursing care may be the way forward. Alongside all the benefi ts of residential care, our nursing care adds the additional security of 24-hour care provision from qualifi ed nursing professionals. Our team spend a lot of time getting to know each resident as an individual, learning their preferences and understanding their concerns, working hand in hand with GPs and other associated care professionals to provide outstanding personalised nursing care. Our exceptional care team treat all our residents with respect, dignity and friendship, and our nursing home has a warm, family atmosphere. Each individual aspect of our nursing care is designed to give our residents the best possible quality of life and the highest standards of 24-hour care.

For further information, please contact Senior Sister Hazel Gordon at T: +351 289 990 900 E: mdpnursinghome@amesburyabbey.com

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Health Sleep easy

Are you a lousy sleeper? Here are our tips on how to become a super sleeper

Agreat morning starts from the night before. We all know that we should be getting between 7-9 hours per night, yet we deprive ourselves of an energising slumber. Studies have shown that 1 in 3 people do not get a good night's sleep. Deep sleep clears out toxins and debris from the brain, your body repairs and cleanses between the hours of 12am and 2am. Your brain paralyses your body so that your mind can dream safely. Is sleep the elixir of life? Getting more sleep can lift your mood, boost your energy levels, and improve your performance. When you sleep well you are more resistant to stress, less likely to get sick and it reduces the signs of aging.

Not convinced?

Try these 3 simple steps to see what all the fuss is about

The Warm Up

Conscious nutrition, exercise and sleep are the three pillars to ensure a healthy lifestyle. Try to improve your food intake and exercise habits. If you don't want to get that natural high from exercising then try sleep, it is the most natural drug that most people forget about.

The Set Up

Make your bedroom a place of calm. Keep it cool. Your brain needs to drop its temperature by 2-3 degrees farenheit before it can sleep. Use cotton bed linen and try a diffuser. Set it half an hour before you go to bed. Add in a few drops of a sleep blend of essential oils or just lavender.

The Knock Out

Me time. Your hour of power. Start with 15 minutes at least. Hang up your do not disturb sign. Compile your own calm playlist, use it everyday. Eventually, as soon as you hear the first note, you will start to relax.

Top Tip

After a goodnight sleep, these are key ingredients to start your day right: Juice: Apple, carrot & ginger Smoothie: Banana & almond Tea: Verbena & Mint

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