BAD ADVICE...
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Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we've all met, know and love... the Expat.
T
oday we speak to the 'Algarvian Unrelenting Standards Watchdog' about their service demands that are seldom met. We warmly greet Chastity Piety-Pomp originally from a Connecticut dynasty going back many fine generations and Margaret Bucks-Major from the most secluded part of Surrey, England. Might I ask why you started the association and what you hope it will bring to the ExPat community? Margaret: Firstly, may I just say what an insubstantial introduction. You may refer to me as Lady! Chastity: Yes and kindly please refer to me as your Grace. Margaret: In answer to your ill-formed question, having moved to the Algarve less than a year ago and having lived in finery internationally, we felt the necessity to teach the natives about the definition of impeccable service. I left Monaco having exhausted the population and so my quest continues to new shores. Chastity: Think of us as missionaries, tirelessly imposing etiquette, philanthropy, opportunism. Young man, displease us at your peril. Margaret: Now, might we remind the readers, we are not talking to vulgar ExPats who frequent the local bars or belch beer. Such unbearable people disturb our constitutions. We are magnets, attracting the refined and delicate, though they should remember that we are the unassailable thoroughbreds in this search for splendour. Chastity: Indeed, we are offering a reference point of obedience to our demands, a catalogue if you will, like Harper's Bazaar. Few make the cut, such as you, you are classless. We also feel having graced the Algarve, we should teach others our relentless complaint techniques to push the exceedingly tight purse of our great expectations.
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Lady, your Grace, please inform us of your recent pursuits relating to services in the Algarve? Margaret: Certainly, very good. Mummy, God rest her soul, taught me in Rhodesia when I was a child, to always expect more from the waiting staff. My husband and I were invited to a business networking soiree the other night. The table of twelve of us banqueting were all far too hot in the hotel garden courtyard. The abysmal service was too slow, however busy, so we drank many bottles of Champagne. The heat was stifling with an unbearable thirty minute wait! I said to the very rude hotel waitress, why can't you have aromatic air-conditioning outside? The place also smelt like a sewer! She said this was not possible. So I said fan me. The beastly ignoramus refused! In the end, we left without paying for anything because of their appalling service. Chastity: They dared to send their Valet to pursue us down the road saying they would take us to court! Margaret: I said, "how very dare you!" My international lawyer, Giles, from Richmond would destroy them, so I commanded, cease or die fools! Lady, that seems very unreasonable! Me, Unreasonable... The customer is always right and especially ones as rich as me. I wrote a very angry review on Tripadvisor saying the hotel must learn to control the weather outside to make their guests comfortable. I was enraged! Similarly, I will be reporting you to your journalism association if indeed you belong to one, which I very much doubt you repulsive vulgarian! Chastity: Indeed, I have gone through 40 builders and countless maid staff, ruining the livelihoods of many. It is why social media is such a welcome invention. Complaints, harassment and terror are so much easier without being breathed on by the revolting people.
You must understand we do not over encourage the underclass or raise their expectations beyond their rightful place. It is very tacky to overpay or tip these people. Less than the minimum wage is more than satisfactory. Generosity spares the rod! For instance, I found an illegal immigrant who lives in our ramshack wooden outhouse. She will do, and if she is lucky she will have a full 1 Euro tip for cleaning my 8 bed Quinta at Christmas. Margaret, Grace, you sound utterly cruel! Margaret: Address me incorrectly one more time Sir and I will rap your forehead! Chastity: Don't ruin your manicure Margaret, I'll hit him with my handbag. Giles has gotten me out of worse scrapes! Ladies, do not wave your fists at me! Margaret: Surly, impertinent, rude… Handbags rain down their terror. Chastity: that was an Hermes classic and your head has broken the strap! Both: Expect a letter from Giles, our lawyer! Ruffian! Margaret: You are worse even than the natives! This is the worst interview I have ever had in my life, you disgusting putrid little crustacean! Unbearable! Chastity: Well! I have never been more insulted! Call this journalism?! I call it guttural!
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