BAD ADVICE...
Ask the
Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we've all met, know and love... the Expat.
T
his month we've met with some passionately alternative people... On my chair, armed with my white wine truth serum, I am joined with a most lovely floaty couple. Selling their dream of breaking away from the system, living off-grid and establishing a colony free of indoctrination they join me. Let the Q&A with Beanie Kundalini and Steve the Shaman begin! Beanie how would you describe yourself? I'm very complex and yet simple, I have no form, yet you can see me. To put it simply, I am a gender fluid clairvoyant and as a descendant of a High Atlantis Priestess, I can guide you back through time until you discover a past self you like and identify most with today. Pharaohs, Cleopatra, Hercules, angels or some other cliche will be revealed through trance, drumming and hypnosis. Oh, very impressive, a High Priestess of Atlantis, I'll refrain from inquiring who left the tap on... Now Steve, what about you. How did you become Steve the Shaman? Has this always been your name? Nah, I'm 47, from Essex, my name was Gary until I moved to the Algarve 2.5 months ago. How fascinating! How did you become a Shaman? I was sat here in this pub, right. On me first night in Portugal, right and was chatting to this bloke, right. 12 pints in, he turns around looks straight at my third eye and says "Steve, you're a good guy" as he leaves. I ask for the bill, and as I am paying for the 24 pints it hits me... I am good and accepted my new name of Steve. Ah... I see and how did the Shaman part come in? Well, you're not going to believe this, but I'll tell you anyway. That same night, just after paying up, this vision of a bird called Beanie came up to me. She told me she'd been watching me all night and witnessed my transformation as she saw me collect
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the tab. She comes up, right, and says "Steve, I saw what just happened there, how would you like to join me and be part of my meditation work camp, we need a Shaman and you'll do. Oh dearie me, that is quite a story... So, what's this work camp then? Nah mate, it's not a work camp it's a "meditation" work camp. The harder and more silent you work, the more we are rewarded financially in this lifetime. You benefit in your next lifetime. "Gary, sorry Steve, let me explain this part darlin" says Beanie holding her glass in the air, looking me square in my third eye. As your spirit breaks and you transfer your will, assets and freedom to us, you avoid suffering in your next karmic rebirth. You will rediscover your purpose in rebuilding our sanctuary, farming our land, engineering machinery, building the fence around our compound and improving the bare exposed living huts. You will come to a state of liberation where you will want to freely give the mandatory and compulsory donations. Well, this all sounds intriguing, I can imagine it might make for an interesting weekend or week! A weekend or week?! Once you have entered the Mystical Algarvian Angelic Retreat University of the Ecstatic Path, you will not want to leave. We will always lovingly find you and your signed karmic contract with our lawyers will prevent you from any and all departures. And tell me Beanie, what makes you think people will want to do all this work for you? First, it is not work for me, it is working for your enlightenment and working to exhaustion releases the karmic sins of your past. And secondly, if you have to ask that question, then clearly you are not ready for this yet. Thank you Beanie and thank you Steve the Shaman for your time. It is time for
me to leave your presence. I may not be clairvoyant, but I sense a Caipirinha needs drinking at the next table... Namaste. Peace and universal love, always. On Ashanti on and on! For more information visit their website www.spirtuallyconfusedAlgarve.org or email StevetheShaman@gmail.con to change your life NOW!
A mix of cafeteria, bakery and pastelaria, where the concept is to join different styles and eating habits in the same space. Specialsing in Paleo foods
Address: Rua da Liberdade n26, Tavira Facebook: 'À da Marta' Telephone: 00351 962 480 768 Email: adamartatavira@outlook.pt Open: Everyday 8am till 7pm Saturday 9am till 3pm, Closed Sunday
www.eastalgarvemag.com
