6 minute read
BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
Today, the magazine meets an extraordinarily accomplished entrepreneur who has great advice for the new ExPat and how to pursue a path of success, leaving no stone unturned. Magazine: Hans, you describe yourself as a master of many skills. Did that start when you moved to the East Algarve? How did your journey begin? Hans: Well I found myself unemployed in Germany and thought it was time to reinvent myself as a pet sitter in sunnier climates. It is true, the first prized Persian pussycat escaped from a window and was sadly mowed down, and yes, it is true that they tried to sue me. So I changed my name, moved to another town, and became a life coach. It is not my fault their prized pussy had wanderlust! Luckily, with my new alias, they have not tracked me down! Magazine: Wow, that sounds stressful. So now you also are a life coach? How did that come about? Hans: Well, I watched a YouTube tutorial for fifteen minutes. No one ever asks to see qualifications and I downloaded a fake diploma! Anyway, I have been schooled in life, I know the way of the streets, not pen pushing! No one needs to know I got sacked from most of my jobs in data entry and customer service roles. I always knew I was too special for those anyway. Magazine: So have you had any actual client’s yet? Hans: Well the only one I have had since being in the area was not ready for my interventions. They said I was not an expert and asked for their money back. I refused to give it back though. My time and experience is precious! Besides, they were rude and ungrateful. Now I randomly put posts out on Facebook advertising my credentials. Magazine: Erm, I don’t know what to say! Well, what qualities do you think you need and have that makes you an entrepreneur? Hans: It is about self belief. Never hiding from a challenge. To be a jack of all trades and a master of none. I have the gift of convincing people what is best for them! It is all about positive thinking and knowing I am invaluable. Truly believing I will make a profound difference to you if you are fortunate enough to meet me... Magazine: In what way? Hans: Well, if I meet someone with a good idea, I will take it, make it my own and improve it. Magazine: And your friends are ok with this? Hans: Well they don’t remain friends for long! Often people are jealous about what I can do. Magazine: Indeed… What other ideas have you taken and improved for your repertoire of services? Hans: Well, I run art experiences, this was very well attended in comparison to my other events. Last time two people came and I made 70 Euros. Magazine: So you have a background in fine art? Hans: No, it’s not necessary! How hard is it to hold a paintbrush!? It’s like my other venture in fine antiques. I don’t know what the items are, but I create a big fancy backstory and then hugely overcharge. I like to use the second hand Facebook market pages. The aim is to make the person feel special enough, or guilty enough to buy it, or annoy them enough for them to want you out of their hair...(Laughs heartily). Magazine: That really isn’t nice! And do you do this with other skills you offer? Hans: Sure! Why not. In the town I lived in before I changed my name, I even said I was an electrician! I heard that was an explosive issue after I moved! I also run business networking events and entrepreneur groups. Mainly to take ideas and make them much better. I encourage people to give me their bank details and join a group that doesn’t really exist. Suckers! Magazine: We seriously thought we were interviewing an accomplished entrepreneur! Hans: Screw you, I am! I am now intending to work in real estate. Magazine: Intending? How do you really survive in the Algarve? It doesn’t sound like anything is long term for you? Hans: Well benefit fraud from my own country has been long term. It is useful knowing people who create convincing fake identification. Oh, and of course I got a massive compensation for a workplace injury I faked back home. Plus, I avoid tax through my many aliases… Magazine: When you leave we are calling the police! You are a liar taking advantage of people! Hans: Ha, you think!? You don’t even know who I am! Anyway, I was thinking it was time for a move, maybe to Malta. I am thinking of becoming a burglar, but first I need to lose a few pounds, else I won’t fit through the windows! Magazine: Well you better sprint your fat ass out of that chair, because we are calling the Police now…! Hans throws over the table, grunts, standing menacingly over us. Hans: (yelling): “That phone is mine”! Magazine backs away over the table. Hans pursues falling over the chair he upturned and gauging his groin on the leg. Laying flat on his back Hans lays choking: “You bastards”!
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