Sieze the moment. Remember all those women on the Titantic
who waved off the dessert cart. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. I had been hiding my hopes and dreams in the back of my mind. It was the only safe place in the house. My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. He who laughs … lasts. Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that’s all you have done since graduation. If life is a bowl of cherries, what was I doing in the pits? For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us. In her infinite wisdom, my mother … said, “I’ll be glad when you hit menopause. It’ll take your mind off your problems.” I have dieted continuously for the last two decades and lost a total of 758 pounds. By all calculations, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Whenever a group of women get together, they always discuss at what age a husband is capable of dressing himself. For as long as there have been washers and dryers, women have been plagued by the Bermuda Sock Triangle. Foe every pair of socks put into the laundry, only one is returned. I had been a writer from my own home for over fifteen years and never missed a deadline. That kind of discipline was bound to take its toll on my personal life. It certainly accounted for the sign on my front door, HOUSE OUT OF ORDER.
VIRTUAL
ERMA BOMBECK W r i t e r s’ W o r k s h o p UN IV ER SITY O F D AYT O N
1
Erma Bombeck
Oct. 29-31, 2020
WRITERS’ WORKSHOP
go.udayton.edu/erma