Gamers Investigate: Who is Video Gaming’s Hottest Man? Izzy French .......................................................................pages

Gamers Investigate: Who is Video Gaming’s Hottest man?

For years, female characters in video games have been sexualised beyond belief. But for years, I’ve wondered: why aren’t the dudes that you play as sexy? Are they sexy? This is the question that I, star-journalist-for-theDircksey (citation needed) Izzy French, has dared to ask.

Sexiness is a very personal and subjective thing. This is why I’m using a scientifically proven method (citation needed) to determine the hotness of these polygonal dudes. This method, called the ‘SUP method, is comprised of three categories: Sex appeal (how physically hot they are), Uniqueness (how different they are), and Personality (do they pass the vibe check). All these categories are out of 3, leaving the total score out of 9. Without further adieu:

MARIO (from Mario) - 3/9 S - 0.5 (He looks like he’s made of plasticine, which is just play-doh without sex appeal. Point 5 for being an adult human.) U - 2 (No one dresses like Mario. Have you seen someone wear a skivvy, gloves, overalls and loafers? Exactly. Points down for wearing the most boring colours.) P - 0.5 (He’s voiced by Chris Pratt. I rest my case.) LUIGI (from Luigi’s Mansion) - 6/9 (nice) S - 1 (I give him the halfpoint above Mario for being tall and kind of a twink. Also his moustache is better than Mario’s. Yeah, I said that. Come to Dircksey for your hot takes.) U - 3 (Full uniqueness points, mainly because he’s Mario but green. Everyone likes red. It takes bravery and confidence to like green.) P - 2 (He’s not the most three-dimensional character, but he’s better than most of the people in the Mushroom Kingdom.)

NATHAN DRAKE (from Uncharted) - 3/9 S - 1.5 (He’s human, he’s an adult, he looks… fine. He has the sex appeal of a real estate agent.) U - 0 (If you think Nathan Drake is unique, go to a pub next to a tax office and you will see 5 Nathan Drakes next to 7 Ryan Reynolds.) P - 1.5 (Was he written by a 13 year old boy who watched a couple Marvel movies? At least he’s quippy sometimes, but that can’t be the bar.)

PACMAN (from Pacman) - 5/9 S - 0.5 (I can take solace that he’s in his 20’s.) U - 2.5 (You think you can find another… aside from Ms Pacman?) P - 2 (He is noted to be a family man… DILF?)

LEON KENNEDY (from Resident Evil 4) - 3.5/9 S - 2.5 (He’s got that young Leonardo DiCaprio, but the slight Tobey Maguire is pushing him down by half a point.) U - 0 (Ooh rugged cop haven’t seen that one before.) P - 1 (He cares for other humans, so cooooool. He’s one notch above a brick wall.)

MASTER CHIEF (from Halo) - 1/9 S - 1 (We have no idea what his body is like due to his big green armour. It’s not even that cool armour.) U - 0.5 (Most Halo games, there’s a dude right next to Master Chief who looks exactly like him.) P - 0 (Shooting people and patriotism aren’t a personality, John.)

KRATOS (from God of War) - 5.5/9 S - 2.5 (I love a good DILF. Glad he got rid of the goatee, the least sexy facial hair.) U - 3 (Show me another man with bleached skin and red tattoos.) P - 0.5 (Being a badass and killing masses of people isn’t sexy. I mean, unless you’re into that, but I’m not.) CRASH BANDICOOT (from Crash Bandicoot) - 4.5/9 S - 1.5 (Look, he’s… built, but he’s also a bandicoot, and last I checked I wasn’t a furry.) U - 1 (I knew many kids from primary school who had the same demeanour as Mr Bandicoot: slightly insane, full of energy, and would jump on boxes.) P - 2 (He’s a little bit wild, but at least he’s having fun, and that should count for something!)

SOLID SNAKE (from Metal Gear Solid) - 1.5/9 S - 0.5 (I dunno, the chin beard and mullet really put me off of good ol Snake here.) U - 0 (I mean… he’s a clone.) P - 1 (He spends most of the game talking to people, so he’s at least got that. He’s not good at talking though.) In conclusion, the sexiest video game man is Luigi. Use this information wisely.