Sirit by Edmar Tigulo

SÍRIT Lahat tayo ay nilalabasan…

Ed Tigulo

Ipinaliwanag ni J. Neil Garcia nang ginanap ang 7th Philippine International Literary Festival taong 2016 na ang pagsusulat, isa sa mga malikhaing proseso, ay isang ‘seasonal skill’. Ibig sabihin, ito ay lumalabas lamang sa pagkakataong ang isang manunulat ay nakararanas ng taimtim na katahimikan sa kanyang kalooban at kaisipan, at paglilinya ng mga salita, ng karanasan, at ng kanyang kaluluwa o ng masidhing kagustuhang makasulat dahil sa pagnanasang magaya ang istilo ng binasa na nagdudulot ng pagluwa’t pagluluwal o ang pagkakataon na naipanganganak ang mga pangungusap at taludtod, kwento at tula.

Ang mga nakapaloob sa koleksyong ito ay nakasulat sa wikang Ingles at Tagalog. Produkto ang mga ito ng kalikutan ng isip at kabagutan ng awtor. Walang anumang bahagi na nakapaloob dito ang maaaring sipiin nang walang pahintulot ng awtor. Pakiusap.

Reserbado ang lahat ng karapatan 2019

MGA TULA

5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28

AN ODE TO A MUG LEANDER’S CRY TIMAWAIN MO NA AKO QUEERLY WRONGED CHANGE APART BETRAYED 'DE, BYE SAUDI IHATID SA PATUTUNGUHAN ANG NAKARAAN INDEPENDENCE BIYÁY POKADO DOUBTFUL BIGO EVERY TIME I CHANGE MY PILLOW CASE TO EDEN CYNICAL TRUTH I LOOKED AT THE SKY TONIGHT SA MULI KONG PAGSAKAY SA BAGONG PARAISO PABATID SHOES GLUE

MGA NARATIB

29 30 31 32 33 35 37 39 42 44 48

LUNCH

47 58

BIONOTE

RICE HATINGKAPATID BOY DECIPHERING MY FATHER GEYLUV “APORMERO NG MAYO” THE SOUTHERN RAINBOW THE PREDICAMENT THE SONS OF NIGHT RAGASA NG KAPALARAN

AN ODE TO A MUG It is you that I look forward to meet after work, at the end of every long day of love and hate. There is something in you: something that captures my nostrils, something that reminds me of the breeze –cold and sweet – when I look at the pasture ridges of Cordillera. Misty. Fresh. You calm my esophagus and spirit as I hold you between clasped hands, praying that such sight and experience last. Coffee. When did I get addicted to you? I remember when I was in grade school, I partnered you almost every day with cold rice leftover from lunch. It was such a delightful taste to my buds. You filled my stomach as I devoured my imagination, figuring what would happen next to Kilua and Gon, to Recca and his ‘prinsesa’. You are always there. Hot and cold, you are a perfect match to my changing preference. My empty days got packed with your colors, black and white. My afternoons got sweet, as I remember good memories. My nights got bitter with littered times and opportunities. And now I sit with you and ask one thing. When can I share you, my first and love, to someone who will be there forever by my side? I hope I can read time. I look forward to meeting that someone and experience that something they call love.

LEANDERâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S CRY (Before he drown in the water on his way to the tower of Hero)

Once upon a cool December night I was awakened by some sort of light Troubled by the noise in my side right Facing the wall, I opened eyes

The light came from the wall I faced Passing through the hole like grain I moved my eyes just close to it And I had seen what is within.

I breathed so hard then dropped my pants And moved and moved my own bare hands Oh I had wished Hero is near She could have helped me up in here

TIMAWAIN MO NA AKO Ito ang kasaysayan nating dalawa. ‘Sing tanda ng lahat ng alpabetong isinulat, Sa gabrasong buho at bato. Iniukit at ipinaso, winasak, sinunog... kinalimutan ng panahon, At tinalikuran ng Siya mismong dapat Magtanggol. Tinalikuran. Ikaw ang aking Datu. Ikaw ang pinaglaanan ng lahat ng aking panahon Ng lahat ng sa akin ay mayroon Pinagsilbihan ka’t nagpaalipin— Pinuntahan sa bahay para ipaghanda ng makakain. Ipinaglaba. Nagpaalipin. Nagpaalipin Ako Gayong maaari ko namang piliin na maging Timawa At maging malaya Marahil Ako Ay Tanga Sinulit mo ang aking pagpili Sa pagtanggi sa Pagkatimawa. Ginawa mo akong timawa Sa lahat ng bagay na para sa akin... Pakiusap Timawain mo na ako Hanggat mapatatawad pa kita.

QUEERLY WRONGED We made it, Of course Just like we always did You came out – I swallowed hard Then We vowed – That when we get stiff With others, we won’t do it But I was wronged After a fight, One chilly night I saw you Enjoying Dancing – Guys

CHANGE Tonight, I will shiver my last fever beside you I will hug and kiss you like the first I did I will kiss you until you whisper you love me But sure I am that no soft and flowery words Could ever heal and change my mind I will hug and kiss you like the first I did It will not be a kiss of letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s start anew But a kiss of change, of new New me, new you New life for us New life for me Without You

APART I never knew How frustrating helplessness Could be I was helpless That I couldn’t help myself But to miss you – Your lips, arms, eyes Those mornings beside You I should have Not agreed with You When you said, You’re happy that I am free as you I never knew How frustrating helplessness Could be

Time and distance seemed to burn

Everything

BETRAYED I wonder each day What if I have your eyes in my socket, So that I can see what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re hiding in your locker? What if I have your nose Then I can smell the other perfume of your rose? I wonder each day What if I have your ears Then I can hear her moans and whispâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;rs? What if I have your skin Then I can feel the tip of her fingernails? I wonder each day What if I have your tongue? Then I can taste her sweet underarms And her juice, and endlessly lay in her arms?

'DE, BYE

Baon ang pangarap, Pagtitiis at pag-asang Makaaahon sa hirap -Yaring sakahin ay itinaya Sa kapalaran ay nagtiwala Napalayo sa asawa Ilang paskong hindi nakasama Ang mahal na pamilya? Nagtrabaho sa Dubai Ang dakilang itay Subalit imbis na salapi At biyaya ang maiuwi Bumalik siyang laman Ng kahong puting-puti Dubai 'De, bye.

SAUDI Kahapon Umuwi na ako sa Kamaynilaan Bitbit ang pasalubong Para kay Mimay at Tantan Masaya at payapa na ang pakiramdam At akin nang makikita Ang anim na taong pinaghirapan Sa lupaing milya-milya ang layo Sa pamilya kong minamahal Subalit Nang ako na ay papalapit Nasorpresa nang alumpihit Bakit iba ang bahay na nakikita Sa larawang kanilang pinadala? Katauha'y nakaramdam Ng matinding pait at galit Pasan ni Juan ay hindi si Tantan Kundi isang paslit Si Mimay naman ay kinakalabit Ang babae sa kanyang gilid 'Me, 'me... asawa ni 'De Saudi

IHATID SA PATUTUNGUHAN ANG NAKARAAN Humalik na noon ng pansamantalang paalam Ang dakilang araw sa langit na malamlam At sumibol nang kusa ang buwan sa kanluran Nang huminto ang makina sa makipot na daan Bago ang tulay na nagdurugtong Sa Sta. Maria at bayan Sa unang padyak, nang muling mabuhay ang liwanag na tatagos sa lamparang bilugan, Ay pumalpak, sumugak, 'pagkat walang karga -Humagikgik ang bayakan Mga maya'y nagsiyapan Sa acaciang pinayabong ng katas Ng kanilang mga katawan Bumulong sa hangin nang ikaw ay kaawaan Nilang nagbabantay sa dating lubak, maputik na daan Silang mga naibaon sa lupa Matapos makatikim ng talim ng bayoneta ang kanilang mga dila At kung sakaling may magtaas ng panyo Nang bumusina ng tatlo ay yaring hintuan Huwag matakot bagkus ay tulungan Mag-aabot naman sila ng pisong kalabaw Sa paghatid sa tahimik, 'di natapos na nakaraan At sa'yo ay ngingiti at maglalaho nang tuluyan

INDEPENDENCE Independence Is knowing that there are other circles outside your profession Where you can bring a bottle of anchovy sauce, lighter, and cooked rice To the field to catch gurame and liwalo And eat together, all aiming for the last grain -You all compete yet eat in peace With blissful feeling within

BIYร Y Biyรกy Is a word you use To describe waiting in purpose It is when you hold for certain days For eels and toads -Freshly catch on rainy days, To release the dirt From stomachs and selves For several days To cook with smiling tomatoes Then taste the sweet flesh And fill hungry plates

POKADO Pokado Is when you know what to shoot When lens are focused With balanced lines and hues -You look for your subject And think of an angle Where a smile can look Opposite of okay

DOUBTFUL An elephant is jailed in an open metal cage -No lock nor lace that bind, that sep'rate multitude posibilities of and certain change. He's huge, afraid of what he may face, encounter when outside his safest space. He's ready and ripe, yet heart so tensed. This giant's afraid to step out his cage, and thinks that this challenge of fate will bring him no luck but pain and hate.

BIGO At kung hahampas ba ang mga kamay ng orasan, Sa panahong sa ating dalawa ay matagal nang nakalaan, Pagsisisi ba at pagdurusa ang aking makakamtan? At ang oras pala na sa akin ay padating Ay dapat nalang igugol sa pagpapayabong ng ganang akin, At paghawi sa balakid ng mga bukas na parating At paghawi sa balakid ng mga bukas na akin At paghawi sa balakid ng mga bukas na 'di atin. Noon palang ay dapat ipinaalam mo na sa akin.

EVERY TIME I CHANGE MY PILLOW CASE Every time I change my pillow case, I remember the conditioner you used with your mattresses When you welcomed me in your holy bed -Where newly washed pastel blankets Smelled like freshly baked cakes Sweet as your pecks, arms and breasts And baby like you guided me, Showed the path down your crotch Where I devoured on your dilly duct Which fountained like faucet wild Your sweats were sweet and hot Candies of eyes and tongue Tantalizing fragrance I turned ups and downs Ups and downs Until your loser lips invited me Leap out your all and total

TO EDEN, I reckon Your smiles Are too cherished To hide the feelings You have inside ~ You have endured The hope, the agony And a timid company Who fails to show A good affection to Your seamless body Is he blind Or he just opts To freeze you in delight? Is he mad Or is he just afraid Of a distant gap? I reckon Though smiling You're tearing Inside

CYNICAL Sable's the sky full of delights. A candle burns, your bones beside The pit that bound, a gun in hand. How long'll you last, flickering light? When all consumed, let me just shun, And vanish from thy beastful eyes, And join the stars in heavens high. This world is tumor more than benign!

TRUTH Life's mostly twisted Often sick Expect to get the opposite Of what you beseech For a rose sprouts In a painful site ~ Watered and bathed With tears and fright

I LOOKED AT THE SKY TONIGHT I looked at the sky tonight And for once have felt that I'm alive Despite the pains and aching back And having empty pocket, purse And calloused feet and hurting hands That though this day seemed fleeting rough There's always reason to look up For what's in heaven is good and vast And smiles on me And in my shoulders taps Love, contentment filled my heart When I looked at the sky tonight

SA MULI KONG PAGSAKAY Sa muli kong pagsakay sa ‘yong motorsiklo Ay muling babalikan ang ating nakaraan Tatanawi’t lalasapin ang ganda ng daan Na patungo sana sa’ting kinabukasan Ang luntiang kabukiran at malawak na palayan Na sa tamang panaho’y mamumunga ng kinaban At matitirang ngang mag-isa yaong pinaggapasan Sa banig na bukid ng malabis na kalungkutan Parang noong ako’y nilisan at nilayuan-Muli kong tatanawin ang inukit na mukha sa puno ng kamatsile Sa harap ng barung-barong ng albularyong si Tame Ipahihinto ko din motorsiklong sasakyan ‘Pag may gusgos na batang pulubi sa daan Iaabot ang matamis na galing sa kundulan na talagang ‘binulsa’t pinaghandaan Muling itatanong kung ‘saan tayo pupunta?’ Ilalapit ang mukha’t ibubulong sa tainga: ‘Sa amin ba’y muli kang matutulog sa’king kama?’ O hihinto lang sa harap at ako’y ibababa na? Sapagkat pati ako’y naguguluhan na Bababa ba ako o sa baiwang mo’y yayakap pa? Kakapit pa ba o bibitiw na? At sa muli kong pagsakay sa iyong motorsiklo Ang hiling ko lamang, mga ala-ala’y wag na sanang pumarito Sumama at makaray nawa sa hanging mahalina O talunin ng amoy ng ilang-ilang at kamya Sapagkat nakapapagod ang magdalawang-isip Pakiusap naman ‘wag na sanang maulit Sumemplang sa lupa nang minsan ‘Wag na sanang pangalawahan.

SA BAGONG PARAISO Lumilipad na naman ang mga paru-paro… Pumapagaspas ang mga pakpak subalit wala akong naririnig Bingi ba ako o sadyang banayad lang ang kanilang paglipad? Katulad din ba ito ng iyong paglipad na hindi ko manlang namalayan? Dumadapo sila sa mga dahon, Sa mga bulaklak – makukulay na bulaklak na minsan nating sabay na pinitas. Idinidikit ang kanilang maliliit na mga paa, Mga paang kinikiliti’t sinasamba ang mga dahon at bulaklak Paang noo’y sinabi mo sa aki’y mabalahibo’t magaspang Hindi ko na rin maalala ang lambot ng iyong mga paa, ng mga kamay Pinagaspang na kaya ito ng panahon mula noong ako’y iyong nilisan? Lumilipad na naman ang mga paru-paro Sapagkat panahon na naman ng pag-iibigan – Isang maikling panahon ng pag-iibigan. Maikli sapagkat ako ang sumusukat sa tagal ng kanilang pagdapo’t paglipad Ilang araw ko na bang sila’y pinagmamasdan? Hindi ko na maalala sapagkat ang alam ko’y pagkatapos ng kanilang pangingitlog Kapag naging uod na ang itlog at natuto na itong pumagaspas at lumipad, Puputulin ko na ang puno ng dayap At nang hindi sila masanay at magsawa sa mga dahon at bulaklak Upang sa susunod na panaho’y makahanap naman sila ng bago At maging masaya at makatikim ng bagong buhay sa bagong paraiso.

PABATID Limang pakiramda’y nangagsipaglakbay Humayo’t humanap ng pusong buhay At diwang sa pagtulong ay higit sa dalisay Iaahon, iaangat, puputol sa kadenang Sa mundo’y nagpapahirap Lumangoy ang dila sa ilalim ng dagat Bakit sa korales ang straw ay napadpad? Umalat ba sa luha ng nabigong pangarap Ng butanding na diles sana ang nahanap Imbes na krudong sumakal, nagpahirap? Lingaw na ang tainga sa putok ng dinamita Hindi sa mga dagat kundi sa nagmimina Sumabog, bumulabog sa agilang bantog Nakita ng tao, sinibat, nahulog Dinispley sa museo’t pinagkakitaan ang tuod Lumipad ang mata sa dako pang malayo At berdeng talampas, naabo’t napano? Saan lumipat mga kulot at negro Na nagtanim, nag-araro sa lupang mabato? Ayun nagugutom sa gubat ng Metro

Lumundag ang ilong sa mga barong-barong Katabi ng plantang hininga’y kulay talong May umubo’t dumahak, sa kamay ay lumatak Ang dugo ni Pedrong hinihika’t hinahalak May batas naman sanang clean air act Lumapat ang kamay sa lapis na matibay Nawa’y gisingin damdaming patay Sunugin katamaran at ideyang nakasanayan Hawakan ang sagwan, kumilos, maglakbay Patungo sa bukas na puno ng saysay

PARA KAY JUAN

SHOES GLUE (Tagasalba ng Guro) May mga bagay na Kahit alang buhay Ay kaya kang Isalba sa kahihiyan Na idinudulot ng Kahirapan Aayusin nya ang sira, Pananalitihing maayos Ang iyong Mukha Sa harap Ng makutyang bata Na hindi alam Ang istorya Sa likod ng Delayed na sahod At sweldong kakarampot

LUNCH It was midnight and everyone was sound asleep, when he decided to travel uncertainty with his bear feet. The beats of his heart silenced his fear, but the nearby crickets, singing to make rhythm for his dancing soul, kissed his eardrums and shushed his lips. Slowly. Carefully. He minced his life, fearing that he might awaken the beasts with metals clutched in their hands and whose snores filled the dead hour of the night.

"Turong..." A whisper pinned him standing. "Hush." It was his conscience. Slowly. Carefully. Until he lost sight of the camp that tortured him for weeks? Months? He had no idea. He lost track of date and time when he was arrested. He passed through the border, and left everything behind â&#x20AC;&#x201C; his fears, his tears. Everything. The drum in his chest seemed wild with the steps...every steps he made, having in mind that with a wrong landing an explosive that could turn him into pieces could fire. Hopefully, rays of the sun guided his path. The sky turned from blaskish red to reddish orange like the berries he dreamed, like the tomatoes in his farm before the war. He had travelled for five long hours now. Sometimes, his feet hurt for the stones edges were sharp. But he thought that to bleed his feet is better than to spend his life in the camp. He starved. His stomach roared like lion after another half an hour. Yet, he continued for his life. From slow and careful to quick swipt. When he could not contain his aching life, he stopped and wished something from the stars â&#x20AC;&#x201C; something that could satisfy his buds and stomach. He saw under the moist leaves a hidden African tarantula, and it gave life to his vanishing soul. One.Two. With the agility of a cat and with the drop of a hat, he grabbed it and put inside his mouth. Crunch. Crunchy lunch. A bell then rang in the camp.

RICE I learned the value of every rice grains 16 years ago when I was in second grade. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon when my brother and I decided to feed the chicken with the grains from our steel rice container or palabigasan. The feathered beasts that approached us as we made krook-krook sounds seemed delighted, the smiles on our lips were sweet, and the happiness we have felt while feeding these starving creatures was incomparable. Not until when nanay came. She was furious.

“Yung bigas!” she exclaimed while clutching santan bush in her hand. We knew that time what would happen next, so we rushed to kaputatan and escaped. We even did high five to celebrate the escape. Later that night over the dinner table, she was silent and I noticed her puffy eyes.

“Did she cry? Did we make her cry?” I was about to ask when tatay suddenly said: “Labandera lang ang nanay nyo at

magsasaka ang tatay nyo. Pahalagahan nyo ang bawat butil ng bigas.” I learned my life lesson that very night.

HATINGKAPATID "Kapag nagkapera tayo kahit tig-isa pa kayo ng nilagang itlog." Yan yung linyahan ni nanay kapag naglalamangan kami ng kapatid ko sa nilagang itlog na ulam noong bata pa kami. Kailangan pantay ang pagkakahati kundi may isang maghihimutok. Siguro'y kayĂ˘ ko rin naging paboritong ulam ang bagoong na may nilagang kamatis at ang nilagang talong at talbos ng kamote ay dahil 'pag naubos na yung parte ko, ang mga ito na ang ipangbabahog ko sa kanin. Nakapagtataka nga lamang na marami naman sana kami noong alagang inahing bibe at manok na nagingitlog, pero palagi pa rin kaming hatingkapatid. Madalas ang awayan kasi nga laging hatingkapatid. Hati sa limampisong baon (tres sa kanya, dos sa akin), hati sa matsakaw na tinapay 'pag magkakape na sa hapon galing sa school, at hati...at hati... sa marami pang bagay maliban na syempre sa pares ng tsinelas. Salamat kasi kahit kaparehas sa ispeling ng "hating" ang hatingkapatid, I never learn to hate my brother. At nito ngang nagkatrabaho na ako, nalaman ko yung halaga ng mga hatian namin sa maraming bagay. Itinuro pala sa amin na sa lahat ng pagkakataon, bilang magkapatid, kami ay dapat magbigayan at huwag magdamutan sa isa't isa. Kung napalo ako noon, kailangan mapalo din sya kasi kasalanan naming dalawa. At lahat ng pagmamahal na ito ay itunuro ng aming mahal na ama't ina.

BOY Help your mother wash the white clothes on Monday and fold them when dry; wash the color clothes on Wednesday to give her time to rest on Tuesday; don’t be ashamed to use umbrella when you walk in the hot sun; cook soup even when your neighbour sees and laughs; put your soiled clothes in the hamper and wash them if you like; when buying napkin for your sisters, be sure you don’t cry when the tindera says you’re the one who will use it because it is the words of your family members that really matter not theirs; is it true that you play tambourine in Sunday?; always give your sit to someone specially if it’s a girl who stands; on Sunday don’t mind those who say you must play drums instead and mingle with guys; it is nice to speak to little girls and join them in dance; it is okay to ask mommy buy you lollipop and cotton candies; but I don’t play tambourine on Sundays and don’t like sweets; this is how to cross-stitch; this is how to tie the end of the string when you sew; this is how to respond and smile when they say you’re a gay guy; this is how to iron your uniforms so that your mother can do other stuff; this is how to grow petchay you can sell in the village’s souk; this is how you wash dishes; this is how to smile despite their cursing words, and it is usual to cry when hurt and it won’t make you less of a man; this is how to sweep your room; this is how to sweep a whole house; this is how to sweep a yard, and just smile to those passing by when they laugh because your actions actually make you a better guy; and if these don’t work don’t feel too down; this is how to write your shits in every sheets; always remember to smile and be good; but what if they are still mean to me?; you mean they see you still as a shit?; tell them in their faces and look directly to their eyes, smile and say ‘this is what and how my dad wants me to be.’

DECIPHERING MY FATHER Understanding is just a matter of looking at something in the lightest and most positive way. We could commit to comprehend the uniqueness of other people just like the way I understood my father. My cousin enviously grabbed the radio-flashlight that I bought using the small amount I saved out of selling guavas and sometimes pastillas or milk candies when I was young. I pleaded my father that he get it back, but he’s drunk. And when my wicked cousin returned it to me with discharged batteries, I cried, demanded, and asked him buy new dry cells. That irritated my father, so he snatched the thing from my hand and threw it against the concrete floor. Crushed into pieces. He said that I should not waste my tears over petty things. I think I didn't know him. He was the kind of father who could be compared to an artist in a Kabuki or Peking Opera whose face was painted with different hues, every day. Diverse and unintelligible. I didn't know why when I was young, my mother would needed to punch him using the can of pineapple juice or salop, and why we needed to celebrate Christmas and New Year in my grandma’s house. All I knew that time was that I have to put my favorite clothes inside my bag in case of unexpected departure, unexpected typhoon. He’s the kind of father full of surprises.Sometimes, when he’s not in the spirit of alcohol, he would bring me and my little brother to the farm with packed newly cooked rice and fishing rods in our hands, and we would catch tilapia and gurame which we would roast using hays or dayami. We would eat there and would swim in the pond after. But, when I invited Carlo to go on fishing one day, my father quickly ran to the farm after knowing from our neighbours. He then broke and threw the rods in the vague water pond and hit our asses with siit or bamboo stem. “You should not go here”, he told us. "Forget about fishing”. I really couldn't understand him. Also, I played jolens and teks before. But when he threw these toys together with the coins I put in the empty hair-gel container in the compose pit we have at the back of our house, I learned to forget every pieces for remembering those could make my anger grow. He said that after school I should fetch water and wash dishes instead of playing, water the plants my mother planted, or read and do my assignments. I learned to do first the-things-needed and must-be-finished before meeting my friends and playmates. I should know my priorities, he said.

I even bullied my little sister before. She cried, and her cry once again exasperated his ears. His anger grew and that anger burned my books and notebooks which I considered my treasures. He said that I should do my best to finish my study, but why did he burn my things? What an ironic father. Sometimes, he would look for his things using his mouth, cursing everyone in the house, stressing that he needed and everyone must look for them. He would start to throw everything just to find the shit which he himself kept. I wonder if he would hit Alzheimer’s disease when he get old because of his forgetfulness. Though, he never failed remembering his anger when he was young when lolo sold his kalabaw or buffalo and spent the money in gambling. However upon reflecting all these, I have found that I have a special father. That understanding his vagueness and uniqueness could lead me appreciating him. “Those are his ways”, my mother explained when I asked why he acted those ways. She told me that every father has their own ways of bringing up their children, and that we’re lucky to have a special father. I didn’t know if she meant something, but when I laughed she also laughed. Well, I guess I have a much special mother.

GEYLUV Nagulat ako nang abutin at pisilin niya ang aking kamay. Naputol ang habulan ng mga gunita sa aking isip, paghahabulan na parang mga sasakyang may sinding ilaw sa harapan at pulang rosas sa likuran, na aking tinanaw habang nakaupo sa loob ng sasakyan, ng bus. Sasabihin kaya niya ang nais kong marinig? Sana ay parehas kami ng iniisip.

Gusto ko sanaâ&#x20AC;Ś Subalit, naputol ang pagsasalita ni Mike nang biglang prumeno ang sasakyan. Hindi niya naituloy ang kanyang sasabihin. Biglang bumagsak ang aking luha, kaparang may naalala, at sa balikat niya ako ay dumantay.

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Wag ka nang umiyak, sasamahan kitang dumalaw sa puntod ng nanay mo sa Los Banos. Hindi ko siya maintindihan, lagi siyang handa na sa akin ay dumamay at umalalay. Ayokong ako ang magtanong ng kung ano ba talaga ang mayroon sa aming dalawa. Natatakot ako. Alam ko ang isasagot niya. Mas mainam nang ganito kaming dalawa. Makikita at makakasama ko naman siya kahit ganito ang aming sitwasyon. Magkalapit at naguguluhan.

Handa ako sa isasagot ni Benjie anuâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ano man. Itatanong ko sana kung maaari kaming magsama sa apartment niya at nang malinawan na ako sa totoong nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako takot na malaman na bakla ako basta para kay Benjie. Basta para sa kanya. Alam kong nahihirapan pa rin siya sa sitwasyon niya. At nang bigla siyang umiyak ay hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Para akong sinisilaban. Inabutan ko siya ng panyo. Gusto ko siyang halikan na parang sa ginawa niya sa akin nang malasing ako dahil sa patungpatong na problema. Natakot ako. Pinigilan ang sarili. Ayoko na mapahiya siya sa loob ng sasakyan at sa lahat ng makakakita. See you tomorrow? Susubukan ko.

Ayoko ng sagot niya. Walang kasiguraduhan. Natatakot akong kapag bumaba ako sa sasakyan ay yun na ang huli naming pagkikita. Sabay na tayong bumaba. Pagod na ako.

Ako rin naman. Treat kita ng massage. Alas syete palang naman. Traffic. Gagabihin na ako.

Matabang. Iniisip kaya ni Benjie na lumayo na sa akin? Gusto kong ituloy ang itatanong ko at sabihin sa kanya na tutulungan ko siyang maging masaya. Subalit, saan ko na huhugutin ang mga salita? Lahat sila ay kumawala na. Tumawid na sila at nilunok ko na at kinalimutan. Sa totoo lang mas masaya ako kung kasama ko siya. Masaya rin ako kung kasama ko si Mike. Kung maaari lang na habangbuhay ko nang hawakan ang kanyang kamay ay gagawin ko. Hindi naman libog ang habol ko sa kanya. Alam ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Natatakot lang ako na baka kapag tinibag ko ang pader ng pagkakaibigan namin at subukang makipag-isa sa kanya ay mapanis ang saya at mapalitan ng lungkot. Ayokong sumawsaw sa buhay niya at ipakilala sa kanya ang isang mundo na maaari niyang talikuran imbes na yakapin.

Ihahatid nalang kita. Mauna kana ngang bumaba.

Ala akong pasok bukas. Gusto ko sana na… Gusto niya na ano? Gusto niyang sabihin na gusto niya rin ako? Mahirap umasa. Ni hindi nga siya sumagot sa halik ko nang gabing nalasing siya. Parang wala lang sa kanya. Hindi na ako aasa.

Bakit lumuwag ang kapit mo sa kamay ko? Mike…

Benjie… Gusto ko sana… Na ano?

Makasama ka… kahit…ngayon lang… Ngayon lang. Hindi ako masaya sa ngayon lang.

“APORMERO NG MAYO”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko matapos nyang sabihin sa akin na hindi nya alam kung kalian siya ipinanganak. Mayroon nga pala talagang mga tao na hindi alam ang petsa ng kanilang kapanganakan. Mga tao tulad ng aking nabasa dati tungkol sa isang tribo sa Pilipinas kung saan ang mga tao ay walang konsepto ng petsa, ng kailan. Hindi nila alam kung kailan nila unang nakita ang liwanag ng araw. Mga taong ang basehan at sumusukat sa edad ay ang masasayang ala-ala kasama ng kanilang pamilya tulad ng pista, pagtutuli, pag-aasawa, at iba pa. Papasok ako sa trabaho Myerkules ng umaga nang makasabay ko sa PUJ si Nana Felisa. Sa palagiang pagbyahe ko sa umaga papunta sa paaralang pinagtuturuan ko, noon ko nalang siya muling nakita at nakasabay. Hindi ko alam kung tanghali na ba ako o sadyang maaga lang syang sumasakay. Ang huling kita ko sa kanya ay noong nasa elementarya pa ako. Medyo malusog pa siya noon at medyo may kabilisan pa sa paglalakad. Pito o walong taon na ata ang nakararaan? Hindi ko na maalala sapagkat tunay na mabilis ang pagtakbo ng oras at tila hindi ito napapagod. Ibang-iba na siya ngayon. “Pero naabutan nyo naman po si Marcos?” Tanong ko sa kanya habang nakaupo siya sa bandang hulihan ng sasakyan at lilinga-linga kung bababa na ba sya. “Malayo pa ‘Na Felisa!” hiyaw ng driver. Malabo na marahil ang kanyang paningin. Napansin kong may kaunting puti na tila ulap sa parehas nyang mata. Umubo muna siya at idinahak ang plema bago sinagot ang aking katanungan. “Oo may isip na ako noon”. Hinahabol niya ang kanyang paghinga. Tinatapik niya ang kanyang dibdib na tila may gusto silang tanggalin sa loob. Maputi na ang kanyang buhok. Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi sa akin ng dati kong professor nang minsang tanungin ko siya kung bakit hindi siya nagtitina ng buhok. Ang sinagot nya lang sa akin ay, “Signs of wisdom yan.” Pero hindi ang kay Nana Felisa, sapagkat hindi naman siya nakapag-aral. Ang kaputian ng kanyang buhok ay dala ng katandaan. “Alam mo hindi ko ikinahihiya na hindi ko alam kung kailan ako ipinanganak. Hindi kasi ako nakapag-aral...” Hirap siya sa paghinga. Marahil ay may iniinda na siyang

karamdaman sapagkat kung ikukumpara ko siya sa isang bagay, para siyang isang dilaw na saranggola. Mapayat siya. Halos buto’t balat na. Lubog na ang kanyang mga mata na nagagawa pang ngumiti at hindi indahin ang hirap ng buhay, isang matatag na ngiti ng isang ina. Kulubot na ang kanyang balat sa mukha at mga braso na ‘di inaalintana ang bigat ng bigas na kanyang mapalilimusan sa araw-araw nyang pagbahay-bahay. “…Nagkasakit kasi ako noon kaya di ako nakapag-aral.” Dalawa ang kanyang anak. Dalawang mundo na araw-araw nyang pinapasan sa ilalim ng kainitan ng tirik na araw at kung minsan’y lamig ng mga patak ng ulan. “Bakit ‘di nalang po kayo pumirme sa bahay at magpahinga?” Nahabag ako sa sagot nya sapagkat ‘di raw maari at ala naman daw silang kakainin ng dalawa nyang anak na matatanda na rin at parehas pang may kapansanan. Ang isa raw ay bulag at ang isa naman ay bulol at isip bata. Ano raw ang aasahan nya sa kanila? “Kung ako ang tatanungin mo iho, gusto ko na talaga magpahinga. Pero sa kalagayan nila, hindi pa pwede.” Inalok pa niya ako ng candy bago ako bumaba. Nakatutuwang isipin na ibibigay pa nya sa akin gayong mas kailangan nya ito. Nakalulungkot namang isipin na sa hinabahaba ng kanyang mga nilakad, katirikan ng araw na tiniis, bigat ng bigas na pinasan, hindi nya pa rin alam kung kailan siya hihinto upang humiga at magpahinga; tingalain ang langit at alalahanin ang kanyang lumipas habang nakangiti sapagkat maging siya mismo ay hindi alam kung kailan siya nagsimula at unang huminga. “Basta apormero ng Mayo.”

THE SOUTHERN RAINBOW There is a legend about a pot of shining gold at the end of a long curve rainbow. They say that it is a multitude treasure that can change one's life – huge enough to turn life in such a way like that of any written fairy tale. But, that mere legend poisons receptive minds. Everyone accepts it because it allows an escape to reality and lets the feeling that in the middle of this chaotic world, there are still places where one can find eternal peace and repose. The boy was once fond of it. It was his cure when the spirit of the night seemed to be wandering and not visiting him. He would first have his big pillow and halfemptied glass of milk before his mother would told him the story about the pot of gold, the prince and the rainbow, and he never lose a taste for it! He loved to hear things like that before. The story was like this: ''Once, there was a prince who always wished of playing in the rainbow. He never failed to wait for the rainy day because for him, it’s the way to his dream. Then, it rained and rained that it seemed it would not stop. He always wanted to feel the drops, but he was not allowed to. The prince waited patiently. The servant, one day, was about to serve the food of his master, and was about to tell him that the rain already stopped pouring. He opened the door and to his surprise, found the prince's lifeless body lying in the bed beside the window.'' ''How did he die?'' he asked his mother. ''I don't know,” she answered “but one thing’s for sure. He found it.” ''What…'' And before finishing his question, she kissed the boy's forehead and gave him a motherly hug. It calmed the questioning child. Then, the spirit of the night kissed him too and the heaviness of his eye lids invited him to the world of blacks; hoping that the answer to his question was in his dream. But, there was none. In their dinner one Saturday night, his father agitatedly narrated that the other clan was facing south. “They’re moving fast. In the next forty eight hours, we have to...” “And what are we going to do with the crops?” his mother probed. “We don’t have choice,” the father said, “we have to leave those behind.” “And the animals?” “They are sacrifices.”

And there was a deafening silence between his parents. The boy didn’t know what his father meant, but the face of his mother reflected the same face that he had been seeing beside his bed. His curiosity told him that there's something wrong in the world, and that made him feel the pain in his heart. He was a purple baby. Heart was weak. The next day, the boy was awakened by the town's noise which was not there before. The sky was gray and he had thought that it will certainly rain. He went off his bed and walked outside, and found that despite of the gray above, the village was indeed busy. Mothers were nursing and calming their children to stop crying. Men were walking in group murmuring about something which he knew the same thing his father talked last night. There were no kids who were supposed to be in their Sunday dresses walking to the church. And that puzzled him and gave him the words to ask one of their neighbors who was glancing through the window. ''What happened to the kids, Mrs. Ida?'', the boy shouted when he found her concealing herself behind the curtains, but she immediately hid herself and a big clash of crashing metals shut the boy. That night, the boy waited for her mother to leave his room. He peeped in the side window and saw shadows of men carrying long objects like the stick his mother had in hand when Ali and him did something wrong. When they stopped marching under the only lighted streetlight across their house, he noticed his father in the middle of crowd of all men. And the boy tried to open the door of his room to go outside but found his mother, in front of it, standing as if waiting for him. She knew it because every mother has instinct. The other night was different. His mother instructed him and Ali to go to the basement. She said that she would sing them lullaby and tell them story. The younger one, out of excitement, jumped to the bed and found his place first and waited not for the promised song and story. He fell asleep immediately while the boy just sit at the edge of the bed and waited for the shadow of his mother. His eyes were questioning when she entered. ''Where have you been mom?'' he asked her. She did not answer. Instead, she put a bag pack, which he recognized as his brother’s, beside the bed and approached the boy. She hugged him. “Ma, where is papa?”

She was quiet for sometimes. She trembled and tears fell down from her eyes. The beats of her heart were melancholic. The boy knew it. Her mother kissed him and without his notice, tears flowed from his eyes too. He fell asleep in her mother’s arms while listening to the Biblical story of a father who was asked to burn his son on the top of mountains. An hour later, a big blast bothered the boy. The surrounding was bright red that it almost blinded him. He cannot hear anything except the forcible ring in his ears which took half a minute before completely vanished. ''Mom? Ali?!'' he tried to shout but words failed him for none came out his throat. It seemed that he had choked it. Warm tears then fell from his eyes. He didn’t know what to do so as what to think. His body was aching, and he cannot move. He was numb-dead, but all his senses were completely working. Where did they go? His heart was failing him. There were sounds like fireworks in New Year's Eve and the boy knew that they were not. He knew. He knew what they were. Another fire blasted in his side. Thousand pieces of gravels flew in all directions like confetti celebrating the parting moment of his left arm. The boy felt like he was floating - going somewhere – up above in the rainbow. The boy saw the prince. He wanted to hug him. He felt an ultimate bliss inside himself like the feeling when one achieved his dream. He smiled to the prince and he smiled back. ''Did you see the pot of gold here?'' the boy asked, but the prince sadly shook his head and offered his hand. He smiled. The boy reached the hand and like fleeting memories he saw the bloody animals, the fire, the hiding sky above that gray clouds, and the parting and moving cries of his family. “You are one of the losses.” He closed his eyes and wanted to cry, but he felt nothing and even tears had seemed failed him.

THE PREDICAMENT

I was glued in this plastic chair and in deep thinking. “What would you do now?” the little voice in me talked as if it could read everything in my mind. The teacher who had been talking in my face irritated me like the smell of my brother’s fart. She was saying things which I could not even decipher. Urgh. I hated this… Josh was in my right and I hoped, I really hoped that when I tell him everything, he could understand me. He was my best friend since first year and I fully trust him like my own little brother. But when I found my nerve to whisper my words in his ear, Ms. Cruz had called. “Why are you not listening huh, Den?” Such query surprised me like a ghost from nowhere. Her words echoed in my ears and by magic, I caught all the eyes of my classmates. “Oh God”, I moaned while ice- cold sweats doused my forehead. The images were blurred.

I should calm myself and wait for the bell to ring. “Den?” A heavy poke then brought me to reality. It was Josh. That was the only time I found myself in the center of the court. I was somehow a beautiful face in the crowd of wet black boughs, being marginalized because of my uniqueness. “Anything’s wrong, Alden?” A girl asked and after hearing such question, I felt it again. It’s like lava in the crater of an erupting volcano. The whole room was as heat as the Sahara’s sand in its hottest day, and it added to the feeling of hotness inside me. Ironically, my hands were as cold as ice. “Den?” Josh interrogated. I gathered my thoughts and without any word grabbed my bagpack and rushed to the door. There’s no turning back I thought. I slided the glass and the sound of it, I knew, puzzled them as I heard “What’s wrong with him?” I escaped the world of interrogation. The air outside lessened the feeling inside me, I thought. All I needed to do now is to mince in the long hallway or run without looking at my back. “They might say you’re crazy for running without any reason.”

“Grrrr. I don’t care about them. What I care now is to be homed and be in the most convenient place every home could have.” I heard Josh at my back, but I continued mincing or running? I didn’t know. I cannot tell the difference between the two. Mince. Run. Then I passed the place similar to the place that I wanted to be in. I stopped for a while and entered the ‘door of heaven’, but it was actually hell because of its foul smell literally was the smell of mixed urine and human feces.

A man and a lady who were covering their nose were discussing something inside. It seemed that the latter was angry with the first. She was directing something which I really didn’t care because just like what I’ve told, my concern’s to be homed. This was not the perfect place that I needed though. “Shit! It’s coming.” The lava was actually coming. I cannot contain it any more so I ran in my full might and hoped that a tricycle awaits at the end of the hallway – waiting for its lucky passenger. Not that when I reached the end, no tricycle but walking students were there. “Please…not here.” I stopped for a while calming myself.

“Hahaha. You will actually make it here.” “No!” I knew that the eyes of passing students once have glance at me, but the hell they knew about what I was experiencing right now? I did not mind them. I managed to run as fast as the lightning to be in the nearest station. I convinced myself, “I will make it.” I reached the station and said to myself that three minutes of enduring would do. “Burgos.” I said in my high but somehow begging voice. “Let’s wait for another passenger.” “No! We better go. NOW!” I was relieved. I did not even think that I could say such a thing to a driver because that was not me or maybe the true me was what I was at this moment. I really didn’t know. . I really didn’t know The trip lasted three minutes - the time that I gave myself. That was the longest time in my life. “Urg.” “Shit.” “Please.” Homed. I hurried to…handed the knob and…it was locked. Somebody was inside. I…cannot… contain anymore. The images which were blurred earlier turned to black. POOP. It bursted. It filled the air. I felt good, but not actually better. The door clicked open and the man looked at me, stares were questioning.

THE SONS OF NIGHT The street was busy not with the sounds of horns of wheeled vehicles, but with the stories of random night people. Light of different colors flickered in every directions as if it's a night in December. There were men in the road, in their state between consciousness and repose, who were swaying and sewing the two lanes, and who would stop for a second to water the hard concrete with their puke or sometime their pee. Motorcycles were parked in the open space across the stalls apparently intended for the tricycle drivers, but since it's already late, night people utilized the place for their own good. Blood-sucking insects also joined the usual goto and mami eaters who were always there after their heavens in the remotest area of the place they called clock tower. And of course, the pokers were also visible. They were in their dusty clothes and uncut nails which turned black because of the dirt of every bin that they have visited in search for plastic bottles, or if lucky leftovers of the costumers in the nearby fast food stall familiar with mouth-watering blood and sunset wall colors. Their hairs were ebony black not because of the shampoo, but because of the spilled oils in the floor where they rested their unbathed and thin bodies at night. For the people living near clock tower, this place is for those who resigned to commodify their bodies in exchange for alms. This is the heart of trade between those who seek pleasure and easy cash.

''Kuya, pahingi nga ng dosâ&#x20AC;Ś'' the child was in the table next to them where a man who was in his early twentyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and his consumer sit, ''â&#x20AC;Śpangkain ko lang po.''

''Wala akong pera eh.'' The man replied in a sore tone. ''Kahit yan nalang po,'' eagerly pointing to the newly served bottle of soft drinks. The child put the tip of his nail into his mouth, nipping and tasting what seemed to be salty black soil.

''Aba, matalino itong batang 'to.'' ''Bigyan mo na kahit piso'', the consumer said in a curly tone. Then, the man dived deep his hand in his pocket and a coin then swiftly travelled in the air, flashing like a jet as it reflected fragments of light from the stalls. The coin stopped clinging in the area across where motorcycles were parked. The child, with blaze of hunger like a dog, began to run. He was tooled with a lighter-flashlight, barefooted,

and head was disproportional to his stick body. His sillouette reflected an image of a fallen leaf. Somewhere in the other side of the road, a fast wheel with loud cheering driver who appeared to be drunk then suddenly passed and hit the boy by his side. A thud hit against the concrete floor followed by a long aw. The boy was down and head was a little bleeding. However, the curves in the faces of those riding the single motorcycle reflected a taste antonyms from that of heavens. They grinned like hell. I eyed the man next to me, demanding in my mind that he must do something. He was looking at me and was alternately glancing at the boy who was now regaining his balance. He smirked like evil, and that maddened me.

''Apektado ka?'' ''Ng alin?'' I tried to hide my irritation. ''Yung nakita mo.'' And his lips pointed like this-is-my-middle-finger to the boy. ''Bakit naman ako maaapektuhan?'' ''Aba ewan ko. Baka dati kang ganyan?'' He laughed at his own joke and I felt the blood warming my ears. I knew my face turned red. When I was at the same age of the boy, I used to sell sampaguita leis in this same location. My mother would harvest fragrant ilang-ilang flowers in our neigborâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s yard (the owner permitted us to get from her trees as long as we put two leis in her garden grotto) and would buy sampaguita flowers in kilos from my motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s kumare. We put art in making garlands. And, for every lei I could sell I have two pesos commission. Most of the time I spent the money eating goto or taking it out to share with my younger brother who was seven that time. However one chilly night, I entrusted the flowers to my little brother and went to the tennis court beside the park. I discovered from a friend that I could earn more money if I satisfy waiting customers who sit and wait for someone to give them a mouth massage in the sport area. The place was barely visible, but not for those who live in shadows. There were high school students inside and I was 12 then when I learned that for kneeling for certain minutes I could earn more. I had my first blow. I bought two cans of sardines and a quarter kilo of sugar with the payment I received for the service I did. I

looked for my brother after, but did not find him. When I arrived home, hoping to paint happy curve in my mother’s face for the cans I have, I found a group of murmuring people seated in blue plastic chairs outside our little house. Inside, my mother was crying beside the cold body of my brother. She said that the embalmer was on his way.

“Was this a re-enactment of what actually happened?” I felt self-guilt in this thought. Annoyed, I stood with my left hand on my waist. How come they could do that?

They almost killed the boy. I gazed at them cursing with my eyes, but found that they were now leaving. I switched my vision and noticed that the boy was still there. He was fine. He was still searching for his coin. Another boy smaller than him approached and offered help. They were siblings. I could see that in their movements.

''Sam!'' It's Mark, looking at me eye-to-eye and bringing me back to reality. He was my classmate in a gender awareness course in college and we worked as partners in a qualitative study. We interviewed purposive respondents in recording conflicts and violence experienced by gay professionals when they were still young. There were times that I had to spend the nights in his boarding house for us to meet the submission deadline. We were sitting then in his bed typing and encoding the responses of the participants when our eyes met, just like this moment. We were quiet for sometime, until we found each others lips magnetted together. We made out that night, and that started our thing.

''Oh?'' I answered back, cancelling all the plans I have in mind that night. ''Anong oh? Tara na kaya para makauwi na tayo pagkatapos.'' I coolly nodded. He stood and in the counter paid all the bills with the money I gave him. I was still looking at the boys. I thought of my younger brother. If only he was alive this time, he could have experienced not working just to pay for his favorite goto. I still blame myself. If only I had not knelt that time it should be me who would be hit. I paused for a moment and looked at the sky hoping to see my brother’s face, but the face of the man who threw the coin zoomed back into my memory. I started to feel hate. Yet, when I saw that they found the coin, a taste of sweetness swiftly appeared in my face as

if it was me who found it, as if I received an advanced birthday gift. I was about to approach them to hand a red bill, but Mark had already called.

''Tara na!'' he was alighted in his single motorcycle. I did not notice him went across the road.

''Ihatid mo na ako.â&#x20AC;? I resolved. ''Bakit?'' I saw the spirit of disappointment in his eyes, ''Pa'no yung...?'' and a starting fire. I quietly hopped in his motorbike. I was silent the whole ride so was him. I knew that that was the product of the sudden switch of my mind. I could do it with him the other time, I thought. I just didn't like to do it now. He asked me drive, and there were instances that he touched my nips, rotating his fingers clockwise, pleading my libido to do it with him. He caressed my hips and curves with his warm hands, and even kissed my back neck. His breath was warm and enticing. His left hand rested in my leg, patting it to arouse my beast. None of those took effect on me. Exasperated, I stopped in the waiting shed a stone throw away our house.

''Sa susunod nalang yung sa atin. Mag text ka nalang kung trip mo na.'' His voice was pale and blank. I leaped off. We were both silent. He nodded then started the vehicle and beeped his horn and drove home fast. I was left alone in the dark glued with my feet like statue, stocked in the shed unable to utter any words. The wind blew and the chill of the night kissed my skin. The aromatic flowers nearby brought me memories of my brother and there was a painful guilt caged in my ribs. The light of the nearby post guided my walk. And looking at the moon at the end of my way, the same moon that shone the blood in the head of my brother, I found myself washed. Illuminated.

RAGASA NG KAPALARAN

Malamig noon ang gabi sapagkat umiihip ang hangin at tila nagbabadya ang isang malakas na ulan. Natatakpan ng ulap ang kalangitan at hindi maaninag ang sikat ng bagong buwan. Alam niya na kung hindi siya makauuwi kaagad ay aabutan siya ng pagpatak ng ulan sa daan. Mangilan-ngilan nalang ang tumatakbong kalesa sa mga oras na ganito subalit umaasa siya na makasasakay siya kahit mag-a-alas siyete na ng gabi. Anihan at maraming kabarangay niya ang nagpunta at ginabi sa pamimili sa bayan. Maraming pera ang tao dahil tumama ang presyo ng palay. Totoong lipas na nga at nakabawi na ang mga taga-Sta. Maria sa nagdaang peste. Isa pa, piyesta ni San Juan Bautista ngayon at tiyak na marami siyang maaabangang masasakyan. Naisip niya na noong nakaraang mga taon, halos walang sinino ang mga pesteng kulisap. Ang siste ay magtatanim ang mga magsasaka at aasang may kakarampot na ititira ang mga insekto. Pangkain manlang sana. Pero wala. Kung dati ay nalalaunan sila ng bigas sa kamalig, nitong mga nakaraan ay ni wala silang mailagay sa lusĂłng dahil sa kakarampot na ani. Tira-tirahan ng mga peste. Malas kung walang maamot. Kadalasan nga ay basyo. Hawak niya sa kanyang kanang kamay ang dalawang pirasong tikling na kanina ay nadakma niya sa ilalim ng mga kinaban. Sa init ng panahon ay naisipan yata ng mga ibon na magpalamig sa lilim na nilikha ng mga nakasakong ani. Nang isusunong na sa kanya ang isang sĂĄko ay nakita niya ang mga ito. Masaya naman silang nagunahan sa paghabol at pagsukol. Siya ang nakadakma. Tamang-tama at kapapanganak ni Cely, ang kanyang asawa, at kung ipipirito ang huli at sasabayan ng inabraw na kamatis, bagoong, malunggay, at kamote ay tamang-tama at magyayaman ang sĂşso ng kanyang asawa. Ganado niyang inisip ang bagay na iyon. Mabubusog si Junior nya. Sa kaliwang kamay naman niya ang dalawang pirasong benteng papel at sampung tigpisong kalabaw. Kinita nya ngayong araw sa pangangaryada sa bukid ni Mang Tasyo. Sa dalawang kabang palay na mahahakot niya sa bukid ay mayroon

siyang upang pisong kalabaw. Ngayong araw ay hindi siya siningil sa renta ng mayari ng kalabaw at kariton. Ibinili mo nalang ng gamit nyo sa bahay para sa asawa at anak mo paliwanag ng may-ari. Umihip na naman ang malamig na hangin at nakaramdam na siya ng kaunting ginaw. Nasa ilalim siya ng isang punong akasya malapit sa tulay na bakal at kahoy na pamsamantalang inilagay para pagdugtungin ang dalawang barangay nang matanaw niyang tumatakip ang mga ulap sa buwan. Tahimik ang paligid at para lamang siyang nagpapahinga habang naghihintay ng masasakyan. Ginabi na siya sa isip-isip niya. Buti nalang at nasa bahay nila ang kanyang biyanang babae na siguradong inaasikaso ang asawa niya. Naibilin rin naman niya sa kapatid niyang lalaki ang mga alaga niyang kambing na isinuga niya sa bukid. Pinainom na sana kaninang inakas at dinapugan na. Kung hindi naman ay siya na ang gagawa mamaya kapag nakauwi siya. Pagkatapos ng lahat ay maliligo siya at saka palang tatabi sa mag-ina. Tumanaw siya sa hindi kalayuaan subalit sa pagtataka niya ay kung bakit walang nagkakantahan at naggigitara. Kay lungkot na piyesta naman nito. Natapos na kaya ang pagparada sa patron at nagsitulog na ang mga tao? O mayroon siyang hindi nabalitaang parating habang abala siya sa gitnang bukid? Hindi niya matiyak. Naglakad siya ng kaunti nang mapansing unti-unti nang pumapatak ang ulan. Malapit lang naman ang San Juan kung saan din nakatira si Mang Tasyo. Ngayon lang din niya naisip na piyesta ay bakit nagpaani ito. May bagyo kaya? Alam niya na tuwing piyesta ng San Juan ay umuulan pero bakit parang maagang natulog ang mga tao? Nakakailang hakbang pa lamang siya ay may naulinigan siyang mga hakbang at pag-uusap galing sa bukid. Ang alam niya ay nakauwi na kanina pa ang mga kasamahan niya sa pangangaryada. Ano mang tanaw niya ay hindi niya makita kung sino ang mga ito. Nagdamot ang buwan subalit nagngingitngit naman ang hangin at ang ulan naman ay handa nang bumuhos ano mang minuto. Huminto siya pagkaraang mapansin na papalapit na sa kinaroroonan niya ang mga ito. Doon nagliwanag sa mga mata niya kung sino ang mga ito nang biglang hinati ng kitlat

ang langit at pagkaraan ay kumulog nang malakas. Berdeng pang-ibaba ang suot ng mga ito at nakaitim na damit. Kaya hindi niya agad napansin. “Kaibigan mukhang masarap iyang dala-dala mo ah,” bati sa kanya ng isang mataas na lalaki. Tumango-tango lang siya habang may inaalala sa sulok ng kanyang isip. At saka niya naisip na anihan nga pala ngayon at ngayon palang nakakabawi ang mga tao. Kung ilang taon silang kinapos at nagutom sa bigas, ganoon din ang mga lalaking nasa harap niya ngayon. “Alam mo ba kung saang gawi ang San Juan?” Hindi siya nakakibo dahil parang may kung anong dumaang realisasyon sa isip niya. Anihan. Anihan. Kumbakit piyesta at walang nag-iinuman? “Kaibigan…” ulit pa ng mataas na lalaki. Naalala niya ang ibinilin sa kanya ng kanyang biyanang lalaki. Kung sakaling sa gitna ng bukid ay may tumawid na mga katulad ng nasa harap niya ngayon, ibigay lang niya ang gusto at nang hindi magkakaroon ng problema. Kwento ng kanyang biyanan, sanay na ang mga tagabaryo sa kalakalang ganito. Parte na ng buhay sa mahabang panahon at tradisyon nang matatawag. Tradisyon na na sa tuwing sagana ang lahat ay aamot ang mga ito ng kaunting kakainin. Kung sakali mang tanggihan mo ay siguradong sa susunod na anihan, habang nakakamada palang ang iyong aanihing palay, ay magliliyab na at susunugin dahil ayaw ng mga ito sa maramot. Sa totoo lang ang mga lalaking nasa harap ni Edong ngayon ay inalala pa ng matatanda noong nagkaroon ng peste. Paano na sila? At totoo naman na hindi sila kumatok sa bahay-bahay. Alam ding walangwala ang kakatukin nila. Subalit iba ngayon. Parang sa tinagal-tagal na nakaranas ng hirap ay may kabaliwang sumagi sa isip ng mga lalaki. Para silang mga gutom na gutom. Nabalita kasi na nag-iba ng pinuno ang samahang ito na hanggang sa ngayon ay hindi nila matukoy kung saan tumutuloy. Sabagay, sa tuwing lalakad ang mga ito nang sabaysabay ay nakatakip lagi ang mga mukha. Itinatago ang mga sarili para hindi makilala o para hindi mapahiya sa sarili na sila ay nanghihingi gayong pagkalaki ng kanilang mga katawan. Mas agresibo sila ngayon. Parang may nahitit na kung ano. Nagulat si Edong nang may humaltak sa hawak niyang dalawang tikling.

Ipinaubaya na niya at hindi na kumibo. Nagtawanan ng malakas ang mga lalaki at saka siya tinapik sa balikat ng isa. Bahagya siyang nasaktan dahil sa katwiran niya ay hindi ‘yun tapik. Mas tamang deskripsyon ang suntok sa balikat. Hindi pa rin sana siya kikibo pero nagulat siya sa itinanong ng isa pang lalaki. “Mukhang marami kang kinita ngayon ah?” Paano niya nalaman? Tumalas na kaya ang mga mata ng mga ito sa dilim sa tinagal-tagal na paglalakad ng mga ito na wala manlang tanglaw? Kinuyom niya ang kanyang palad. Sa anak ko ito. Parang naririnig niya ang kanyang biyanan na sinasabing ibigay mo na, pero lumalaban ang paninindigan niya. Hinawakan ng isa pang lalaki ang kamay niya at hinintay na ibukas ang kanyang palad. Mas lalo niyang kinuyom. Napansin niyang minostrahan ng isang lalaki ang isa pa at pinahawakan siya sa magkabilang braso. “Sa anak ko ito. Pakiusap…” pero hindi pa niya natatapos ang kanyang sasabihin ay may sinalo na ang kanyang sikmura na isang malakas na suntok. Hindi siya makahinga. Napaluhod siya nang bitawan ng dalawang lalaki ang kanyang braso. Nabitawan niya ang hawak. Lumuhod din ang lalaki at saka kinuha ang dalawang perang papel. Nagtawanan ang lahat. Pumalakpak. “Ibibigay din pala, pinahirapan pa kami.” Buong akala niya ay tapos na ang lahat. Subalit parang dimonyong nakaisip ng kung anong kadimonyohan ang isa sa kanila. Narinig niya ang bulong ng isa. Mayroon itong gustong ibigay sa kanya. “Putang inang ‘yan. Maramot pa”. Noon na tuluyang bumuhos ang ulan. Sunod-sunod ang kidlat at susuray-suray siyang lumayo ng kaunti sa mga lalaki. Bumabawi siya ng lakas. Kasabay ng kulog, nagulat siya nang may malakas na tumadyak sa kanyang likod. Nasubsob siya. Pagkaraan noon ay hinila ng isa ang kanyang suot na pulang jogging pants na kinalawang na ng lupa. Nakipaglaban siya subalit pinigil ng dalawang lalaki ang kanyang mga kamay habang nakadapa pa rin sa lupa at tuluyang hinubad ang kanyang pangibabang damit. Noon siya nakaramdam ng matinding galit. Nagpumilit siyang bumangon habang daklot ang isang batong nakapa niya at pasuntok na sinugod ang isang lalaki. Tumama ang kanyang kamay sa noo nito at alam niyang may dugong tumulo roon. Napamura ng malakas ang lalaki. Haharap na sana siya nang biglang may pumutok kasabay ng malakas na kidlat na sinundan ng kulog. Ganito pala iyon.

Wala kang mararamdaman. Unti-unting dumaan sa kanyang ala-ala ang kanyang mag-ina. Bumagsak siya sa lupa at humalo ang kanyang dugo at utak sa putikan. Ang huli niyang narinig ay ang malakas na tawanan, halakhak ng mga dimonyo na mas malakas pa sa kulog. Samantala’y magdamag na hindi nakatulog si Cely nang hindi maramdamang tumabi ang kanyang asawa. Mahimbing ang tulog ng sanggol subalit sa ibang bagay siya napuyat. Nag-aalala siya sa asawa na kagabi lang hindi nakauwi. Iniisip niya na baka napainom sa amo nito dahil nga piyesta at duon na pinatulog at delikadong umuuwi nang malakas ang ulan. Bakal at kahoy lang ang tulay at ang biglang bugso ng pag-ulan ay maaring magdulot ng malakas na daloy ng tubig sa tatawirang irigasyon. Umaasa siya na kinaumagahan ng madaling araw ay uuwi rin ito. Subalit, alas sais na ng umaga ay hindi pa rin niya matanaw ang tuktok ng asawa. May ibang kaba sa dibdib nya. At matapos ngang pasusuhin ang anak ay tinawag na niya ang ama para ipakisuyo na puntahan ito kina Mang Tasyo. Nagmadali naman ang matanda na habang nasa daan ay nagpapaapoy na ng galit kay Edong dahil nga mas inuna pa nito ang pag-inom kaysa sa sariling pamilya. Sa katwiran niya, ang isang amang may anak na ay dapat inuuna ang kanyang pamilya anu’t anuman. Ang isang ama ay dapat buhay na ang ulo sa kanyang mga responsibilidad. Nang makarating siya sa bahay nina Mang Tasyo, nagkakape ito nang datnan niya. Nginitian siya at pagkatapos ay humigop ng kape sa puting tasang aluminium. “O, naparito ka Ka Sendong?” At hindi nga alam ni Mang Tasyo ang sadya niya. Lalong nakaramdam ng galit si Ka Sendong. Mula sa Sta. Maria ay kalahating oras kung lalakarin papunta sa San Juan at tatawid nga sa bakal at kahoy na tulay na pinagdugtong ang dalawang barangay na hinati ng sampung metrong irigasyon. Nakapapagod iyon para sa sitenta anyos na matanda. “Hindi kasi nauwi si Edong kagabi. Baka kako naimon dito at piyesta nga,” pagtatanong ni Ka Sendong na noon ay nakaramdam na ng kaunting kabog ng dibdib. Natahimik siya ng kaunti dahil nag-isip. Sinagot siya ng matanda na mababanaag ang bagabag sa mukha.

“Kahapon ay dito kami sa bahay huling nagkita. Itinali, pinainom, at pinakain niya ng sakate ang kalabaw at pagkatapos noon ay sinabi niyang uuwi na siya,” nakakaramdam na rin ng pag-aalala si Mang Tasyo. Kilala niya si Edong na kung sakaling mapapainom sa dadaanan ay magtitira ito ng pamasahe pauwi. Lalo na at kapapanganak ng kanyang asawa. Naalala rin niya na umulan ng malakas kagabi at ang San Juan ay maagang nagsipagsara ng pinto at bintana dahil sa balitang kumalat. “Saan naman kaya nagpunta ang taong yun?” sa isip-isip ni Ka Sendong. Inalok siya ng matanda ng kape subalit tumanggi siya at sinabing uuwi na rin at baka nakasalisihan lang niya ang hinahanap. Habang papauwi, nadaanan niya ang isang lugar na parang tinalaktak ng kalabaw nang nakaraang gabi. Nakita rin niya ang mga balahibo ng ibon na nakilala niyang tikling. Wala pa rin si Edong sa bahay nang makauwi si Ka Sendong pasado alas otso trenta na ng umaga. “Saan naman kaya nagpunta ang taong yun?” bulong ni Cely na hindi maalis ang magkahalong inis at pag-aalala sa mukha. Pagkatapos noon ay umiyak nang malakas ang bata na parang may naintindihan sa mga pangyayari. Samantala, isinuksok ni Ka Sendong sa ding-ding ng bahay ang pakpak ng tikling na pinulot niya kanina. Malakas pa rin ang iyak ng sanggol na parang ayaw paawat at inilalakas pa para marinig ng tinatawag. At umaga ng piyestang San Juan kumalat ang balita sa umpukan ng mga babaeng nagsitsitan bago magwalis ng bakuran. Abala naman ang karamihan sa paghihiwa ng sibuyas at bawang na panggisa. Idagdag pa ang pasiklabang amoy ng mga nagpuputo na hahalimuyak at parang ang hangin ay sinamahan ng langis at latik. May mga kalalakihan na rin na sinimulan nang itumba ang tuba. May mga nagbabalahibo ng manok at bibe. Sa bahay naman nina Mang Tasyo ay abala ang kanyang asawa sa paghahanda ng pananghalian ng mga nagtatrabaho sa bukid. Nagpaani siya ngayon dahil alam niya na kung bukas niya ipahahampas ang mga palay niya ay tiyak na mababasa ito dahil nga sa ulan ng piyestang San Juan. Bababa ang presyo. Sayang ang diyes sentimong mababawas sa bawat kilo. Binaunan niya ang mga tao sa bukid. Tinolang manok sa upo at nagpirito pa ng malalaking gurame ang kanyang asawa. Kinahapunan, nang nagpapamigay siya ng upang karyada ay

hindi na niya kinaltasan ang kay Edong dahil alam niyang kailangan nito ngayon ng pera at kapapanganak ng asawa. Niyaya niya ito na mangilabban muna bago umuwi pero sinabi nito na sa bahay nalang siya kakain at baka hinihintay na siya ng asawa. Naghiwalay ang kanilang mga landas nang magpaalam si Edong na tutuloy na ito ng uwi. Nang hapon namang iyon ay maagang nagsipagsara ng bahay ang mga taga San Juan dahil sa pangamba at takot sa mga katok. Bago ang lider at bagong labas sa lungga matapos ang ilang taong peste sa magkabilang barangay ng Sta. Maria at San Juan. Kinagabihang iyon ay may malakas na bilang hanggang tatlo ang mga lalaki na hindi maririnig habang inihahagis ang duguang katawan sa rumaragasang irigasyon na mag-aapaw dahil sa pagpapatuloy sa pagpatak ng mga luha ni Cely. At bumunghalit ang malakas na tawanan at sigawan sa gitna ng basketball court nang tumugtog ng malakas ang bagong kantang may lyrics na pababa nang pababa. Nakataas na ang dalawang kamay ng babaeng makapal ang polbo sa mukha subalit butas naman ang pundya. Nakapaikot sa kanya ang mga bata na naghahabulan ang uhog sa ilong at panay ang sabay sa kantang pamela wan igalaw ang katawan, pamela tu kumendeng ng ganito. Sinasabayan nila ang inosenteng kaligayahan ng matandang babae. Para sa kanila isang buhay na laruan ang pinaikutan. Ang mga batang babae ay pumapalakpak samantalang ang mga batang lalaki na halatado ang kulot ng mga daliri at kumakampay na ang mga kamay ay sinasabayan siya sa pagbaba at pagtaas ng kendeng ng beywang. Nanggagaling ang tunog sa kalapit na barangay hall kung saan nakaupo sa loob ang nagbabantay na barangay tanod na palihim ding nangingiti dahil sa nasasaksihan. Itinuring na siyang pangkaraniwang tanawin sa barangay matapos subhan at panawan ng katinuan. May ilang mga araw na nakaupo lang siya maghapon sa isang waiting shed, bubulong-bulong at parang may kinakausap. Sabi ng matatanda (lagi namang may sinasabi ang matatanda), siya lang daw ang nakakikita ng kanyang kinakausap sapagkat anila ay nabuksan ang ibang mundo sa kanya nang ang isa ay magsara. Normal daw at talagang nangyayari sa nasusubhan at nakaranas ng matinding kalungkutan matapos makapanganak ang nararanasan ng matandang babae. Ang ipinagtataka naman ng mga bulong-bulungan sa umpukan ay kung bakit

ni hindi manlang ito naidala sa ospital ng kanyang pamilya. At siyempre, tinanung din nila kung ano na ang nangyari sa anak ni Cely. Natigil ang sayawan at bigla namang hina ng tugtog nang dumating si Junior. Kanya-kanya ring pulas ang mga bata. May ilan na umakyat sa bleachers at karamihan ay tumakbo palayo palabas ng court. Hinatak niya sa kamay ang ina at humiyaw ito ng parang bata. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ayoko muna kasi umuwi!â&#x20AC;? Kinagabihan ay nakapagtataka naman ang katahimikan sa sementadong tulay malapit sa simenteryo sa bungad ng San Juan. Tahimik naman talaga ang simenteryo sapagkat ang mga nahihimlay duon ay hindi na makapagsasalita at makagagawa ng ingay, kung totoong wala na ang mga itong isinisigaw. Pero sinasabi sa mga libro na isa sa pinakamaingay na lugar sa mundo ay ang himlayan ng mga yumao. Sumisigaw ang mga ito ng pangalawang pagkakataon para sa mga bagay na â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;di nagawa at mga talentong ni hindi naibahagi sa kapwa. Hindi lang natin naririnig pero buong-buo nating nararamdaman. Idagdag pa ang mga taon-taong bumibisita sa mga pantso na inaalala ang mga kakulangan nila sa mga yumao na dinaan nalang sa pagtutulos ng kandila na siyang lumuluha para sa kanila. Ganun naman talaga. Laging nasa huli ang pagsisisi, at nakikita ang halaga ng isang tao kapag wala na siya. Parang paulitulit at nakasasawa ang katotohan na ito pero hindi napahihindian ang katotohanan. Madalas sinasang-ayunan nalang para hindi na mapahaba ang usapan. May dalawang lalaki namang nakaabang sa ibaba ng tulay. Tinarawan na nila kaninang umaga ang likod na bahagi ng matataas na talahib para masiguradong walang ahas na matatapakan. Ang isa ay nakasuot ng pulang damit na hindi naman matatanaw dahil wala namang liwanag ng poste ng ilaw o ng buwan. Ang isa naman ay may suot na sombrerong may burdang pangalan ng isang bansa na may tatlong letra na lahi ni Pilandok. Pagkaraan ng ilang sandali ay biglang lumiwanag ang daan at humanda na ang dalawa. Tig-isa silang baril na hawak pero ang totoo ay pellet gun lang ang isa. Humakbang na sila at pumusisyon sa gitna ng kalsada at akmang sisigaw ng holdup nang biglang may dumaang puti sa harapan nilang dalawa. Ang bawat tapakan ay nagliwanag. Natigilan sila. Kumurap-kurap. Nagkatitigan at hindi makapaniwala sa nakita.

Nang umaga ay nagsipagtakbuhan sa tumpok ng buhangin sa isang bakanteng lote ang mga bata. Walang pasok ang mga gumagawa ng hallowblocks kaya ipagpalagay na libre ang mga bata na magsitalon, magsilundag, at magkalkal sa bundok ng puting lahar na galing sa katabing probinsya ng Tarlac na isa sa pinaulanan ng Pinatubo nang pumutok ito. May mga batang may muta pa sa mata at hindi pa kumakain ng umagahan na nagsisimula nang magtayo ng kastilyokastilyohan. Sa ilalim naman ng mangga ay abalang nagwawalis ang matandang nagbabantay sa lote na nang makitang kumalat ang buhangin sa paglalaro ng mga bata ay muntikan pang habulin ang mga ito ng palo bitbit ang kulumpon ng tingting sa kanang kamay. Hindi pala sila pwede maglaro dito, inis ang isang bata na nakapusod ng mahigpit. Pinakikinang ang kanyang buhok ng nagkalipumpunang mga lisa. Nang makatakas sa galit ng matanda, nagsimulang magbidahan ang mga bata. May nagpasikatan ng koleksyon at bilang ng mga laste at jolens. Mayroon namang tansan at palara ng sigarilyo ang ibinida. Lahat gustong bumida sa usapan, hindi pinatatapos ang isa sa pagsasalita. Subalit, sa lahat ng paksa nangibabaw ang inulam ng gabing iyon. Si Tonya na bungi ang dalawang ngipin sa harap ay ipinagmasikat ang inulam na nilagang baboy. May isa na litsong manok naman ang ipinang-inggit sa kanyang mga kaharap. Tinablan si Sitang. Sa isip-isip nya, kagabi lang nabakante na hindi litsong manok ang kanilang inulam. Tahimik man, rumehistro sa kanya na baka nga hindi nakadiskarte ang tatay nya kagabi. Magdamag naman hindi nakatulog si Mang Tami. Kaparang nakikita niya ang liwanag ng paa ng gabing may nagpakita sa kanila. Nakatulog kaya si Sindo? Tanong niya sa sarili. Nagtatanong pa rin siya sa sarili tungkol sa hindi kasiguraduhang namalas. Ano nga ba iyon? Tama ba siya sa iniisip nya? Mahirap manghula sapagkat ni minsan hindi naman siya tumama sa sapantaha niya. Basta tatlo lang ang alam niya kagabi: bibili siya ng litson, isang boteng gin, at mangho-holdup. Pero bigo nga. Basyo. Natatawa naman si Harry nang maalala na tumakbo ang dalawang lalaki nang paparating sila nang gabing iyon. Pero hindi siya nagkamali sa nakita. Anu't ano man, ang mahalaga ay hindi siya naholdup. Natatawa siya na maalala na parang batang

tumakbo sa kung saan ang dalawang lalaki na nakita niyang may hawak na baril. Binusina pa niya ang sasakyan habang tumatawid sa tulay. Sa panaginip naman ni Sindo ay para siyang nahuhulog. Lulang-lula siya habang walang ibang nakikita kundi kadiliman. Sa mga tainga niya ay bumubulong ng tula ang hindi niya makilala kung sino.

Humalik na noon ng pansamantalang paalam Ang dakilang araw sa langit na malamlam At sumibol nang kusa ang buwan sa kanluran Nang huminto ang makina sa makipot na daan Bago ang tulay na nagdurugtong Sa Sta. Maria at bayan Sa unang padyak, nang muling mabuhay ang liwanag na tatagos sa lamparang bilugan, Ay pumalpak, sumugak, 'pagkat walang karga -Humagikgik ang bayakan Mga maya'y nagsiyapan Sa akasyang pinayabong ng katas Ng kanilang mga katawan Bumulong sa hangin nang ikaw ay kaawaan Nilang nagbabantay sa dating lubak, maputik na daan Silang mga naibaon sa lupa Matapos makatikim ng talim ng bayoneta ang kanilang mga dila At kung sakaling may magtaas ng panyo Nang bumusina ng tatlo ay yaring hintuan Huwag matakot bagkus ay tulungan Mag-aabot naman sila ng pisong kalabaw Sa paghatid sa tahimik, 'di natapos na nakaraan At sa'yo ay ngingiti at maglalaho nang tuluyan Si Edong na naghahanap Ng katarungan. (Unang Karangalan sa Pagsulat ng Maikling Kwento sa 2020 Unang Gawad Lazaro Francisco, Cabanatuan City, Nueva Ecija)

Edmar Tigulo works as an educator in a public high school in his hometown. He teaches English and literature (Philippine, Afro-Asian, and Anglo-American), and is the current School Paper adviser of the publication The Courier. He worked in Central Luzon State University as a parttime instructor for two semesters and handled writing, communication, and literature subjects. He presently writes his graduate thesis about the motifs and conflicts experienced by gay protagonists in gay-themed narratives in the country and how these mirror the lives of gay university students and young professionals. He spends his summer vacation advocating Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) for 2030 and teaching children in the Daily Vacation Bible School in their church. For suggestions to improve this zine, he can best be reached thru his email: tiguloedmar@gmail.com