Estonia. Paradise without Palm Trees by Hea Lugu

Estonia: Paradise Without Palm Trees by Jo達o Lopes Marques

Estonia. Paradise without palm trees Published by OÜ Hea Lugu Tallinn, Estonia

ias an d m an s m a e r d , NATION fears ding the small European n a t s r e d Un inating of a fasc

To my Estonian family

This diversity reflects the unity of mankind. To make it easier for you to keep the unity of man and the world, I will add for salt, pepper and enjoyment a proverb from my shores, the shores of the Baltic: never lose your hopelessness. Lennart Meri, A European Mind: Selected Speeches

Table of Contents

The ultimate Estonian taboo: “Maarja is also leaving Estonia...”

“Darling, I still don’t know...”

“SS”: the admirable way Estonians keep it short and simple

My Carmen Kass obsession

My post-Nikita syndrome

The three puzzling fractures of Estonia

Quiz: what’s the most similar city to Tallinn?

From Borat to chiclets

Let the roosters play

My thousand days in the Eesti Vabariik

Klaus Mirsalis, the man who sent me to Tallinn

The Gentile’s glossary of Estonians

Kanal Seitse: restoring stolen memories

Tallinn, 2011’s feminine version

Estonia can’t afford another lost generation

Estonian shopping centers, the new social solariums

The good and bad forms of patriotism

Estonia, the ultimate nailocracy

Why does Jeremy Clarkson sell better I do?

Estonian tipping etiquette

Tere-tere-tereeee: the art of greeting in Estonia

The sounds I hear in Estonia

13 small Estonian facts that make all the difference

101

One unexpected personal fetish called “Viljandi”

104 Medievalandia 107 The

ultimate slogan for Estonia

111

Queuing with comrades

113

When Tallinn becomes too small for a big Estonian soul

116

Words don’t come easy? But Estonia really needs them...

121

Spontaneous Estonia: a freedom exercise

122 An

Estonian (silent) civil war

125 The

utter importance of a visible pair of eyebrows

129 What

if there were a big mountain in Estonia?

133 Oops,

we have to postpone having vineyards in Estonia

136 The

man who puts Estonia on the map

139 Kalamaja,

the perfect Estonian laboratory

142 The

day Estonia met Africa

145 Am

I a sex-terrorist?

148 Probably 151

“Vabandust, aga ma ei tea!”

154 A

karmic birthplace called “Tallinn”

157 The 161

the best housewives in the world

unbearable lightness of an Estonian kiss

Ode to provincial girls

165 It’s

time for Estonia to come out of the closet

169 Estonian

dinners: how food here flows in a different way

173 Finns

and Estonians: two very different ways of wife-carrying

177 Be

prepared: the next generation of mixed Estonians is coming!

180 Estonia ends de facto in Rakvere

About those missing palm trees and the "paradise" thing

Palm trees are very pleasing to the eyes of Estonians since their harsh winters are so traumatic. During Soviet occupation bananas were nearly unattainable. Estonia is doubtlessly a very feminine country. I’ve lived in Tallinn for some of the most euphoric years of my existence. The idyllic image natives have of their identity makes us believe Estonia may be one of the few remaining paradises in the global era. These were the five pillars — or avenues — that inspired me to opt for such an uncommon title. I agree: it’s strange even for the author. Still, I believe it mirrors all the tensions and paradoxes experienced in this small-yet-surprising republic. Past, present and future are all encapsulated there. Plus some irony, of course. “Paradise” is a strong word, I acknowledge, and throughout these pages you’ll find lots of criticism. Yet things are always relative. Just ask a foreign Tallinn resident why he/ she remains in Estonia year after year. Most probably the answer will be: “Life in Estonia can be quite pleasantly simple!” But make no mistake: it wasn’t easy to pick such a psychedelic title. It was very difficult in fact. To baptize an anthology of chronicles written over the span of six years is a tremen-

dous challenge. Some of the pieces are moody and the topics are quite eclectic — stubborn Estonia is one of the fastestchanging countries in the Old World. It took us half a dozen bottles of (good) Georgian wine before Ivar Laks, Todd Barth and I finally found something appropriate. It beat out “Estonia, more than just a pretty face” by only a neck, and I sensed I’d be glad one day that it happened that way. The justification fully arrived minutes ago. While writing these lines from the Brazilian coastal resort of Paraty — in front of dozens of palm trees, needless to say. An inspiring landscape? Maybe, but I keep struggling against my NordicLatin nostalgia. Crazy: I’m already missing my bittersweet adoptive country. João Lopes Marques Paraty, 11th of May 2012

Preface

The first time I met João was several years before this book was published – in a pub called Hell Hunt, a place that, as it happened later, became the second home of this nifty and talkative Southern European. I don’t know if he has followed the example of Hemingway or somebody else, but in any case he likes to work not at home, but in an ambience laden with social voltage, joy and invisible threads of emotions. It happened to be a complete coincidence that one beautiful blond woman (without surprise) introduced me to him. I was astounded by João’s story telling and analytical abilities; the way he would speak about Estonia or any other country where he had lived in his short, but adventurous life – from quite a new angle that I hadn’t yet noticed. I was encapsulated by it inasmuch that I immediately hired him as an Eesti Ekspress web edition columnist. First on a temporary basis, then permanently. Many opinion authors, including other very upstanding ones, have been given space in Ekspress, but only a few of them have stayed so long: only a few have the drive to produce interesting texts week after week without writing himself empty. In the case of João there is no reason to be surprised that during these years he has lived in Esto-

nia, he has also written several novels, one of which is already available in the Estonian language. In my opinion João’s stories are necessary for us Estonians because they offer our small fishing pond a fresh view from that of a bystander. His narratives are like a mirror where we can see ourselves and our actions – as we have never seen before. For that reason these articles don’t expire, but remain as a chronicle. João’s stories are characterized by soft humor, his irony is not incursive – there is no venom or aggressiveness that one unfortunately finds so often nowadays. Be it an article where the influx of young Estonians to Australia is analyzed, or Estonians’ own misconceptions about foreigners, or a stream of consciousness about consequences in search of the meaning of life. In this book there is simply reading material which can be enjoyed with pleasure, lying on one’s back with feet against the wall. Askur Alas Eesti Ekspress journalist and editor

Glossary

Estonian cities, towns, and districts Balti jaam – A Soviet-style gare. Tallinn’s “central station”. Located just outside of Old Town, but infamous for being a center of seediness. Bussijaam – the main bus station. Hiiumaa – the “other” big Estonian island. Ida-Virumaa – the most northeastern county of Estonia, in which Narva is the main city. Kalamaja – literally translates to “Fish House”, and is the district of Tallinn where the author lives. Lasnamäe – the largest “Russian enclave” in Tallinn, consisting of mostly large Stalinist concrete buildings constructed during Soviet times to house large amounts of newly assigned workers (mostly migrating from the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic) and not the most popular district of the Estonian capital. Kopli – the “Bronx” of Tallinn. Kuressaare – the capital of Saaremaa. Käsmu – a nice little coastal resort halfway between Tallinn and Narva where local writers go to be creative.

Narva – Estonia’s third largest city, but a place where almost no ethnic Estonian goes. Located on the European Union’s easternmost border, on the Narva River which separates Estonia from Russia. Although every storefront, every sign, every menu is in Estonian, Russian is the operative language of almost everyone in town. Paide – Carmen Kass’s small home town. 16

Pelgulinn – a district of Tallinn next to Kalamaja that is full of potential. Pirita – Tallinn’s Riviera where the yachting events for the 1980 Moscow Olympics were held. Pärnu – the “summer capital” of the country, although the use of the word “summer” can seem misleading at times in Estonia. Saaremaa – Estonia’s biggest island and a giant spa adored by Finnish pensioners. Tallinn – the capital city of Estonia… although the original meaning of the word “Tallinn” is believed to have been “Danish town”. Tartu – In three words: “university”, “university” and “university”. Toompea – the Upper Hill of Tallinn’s Old Town where Parliament and several other government functions are housed. Vana Tallinn – literally “Old Tallinn”; the Hanseatic “Old Town” district of Tallinn. Vanalinn – the same as “Old Town”. Viljandi – the folk capital of Estonia and from where Estonians believe the purest Estonians come. Võru – in the southeastern corner, a county Estonians love to believe is really far from the capital. Being one of the few

parts of the country with slightly elevated topography, it is also a destination for winter sports enthusiasts. Ülemiste – a lake by the airport where Tallinn’s drinking water is derived. Prior to being renamed Lennart Meri Tallinn Airport in 2009, Tallinn’s airport was known as Tallinn Ülemiste airport.

FAMOUS AND NOTABLE places in Tallinn Angel Café – the gay mecca of Estonian homosexuals; later renamed Kapp. Boheem – the best pancakes in town and a Kalamaja pioneer. BonBon Club – a more upscale weekend version of Club Hollywood. Bronze Soldier – or Aljosha, beloved by local Russians as a symbol of Estonia’s “liberation” from the Nazis by the Soviet Union in 1944; a statue whose relocation (and the resulting uproar, riots and chaos) from downtown Tallinn to a military cemetery on the 26th of April 2007, finally put Estonia on the world map. Club Hollywood – the most popular meat market, quite busy every Wednesday for the club’s infamous “ladies’ night”. Hell Hunt – the most famous pub in Estonia. Karja Kelder – the pub for real Estonian men. Kaubamaja – the main department store in the Viru Keskus shopping center. Kuku Klubi – a dancing orgy where even zombies are resurrected.

Nimeta Baar – the “bar without a name”, ever popular among a certain segment of the population despite (or because of?) its reputation for cheap beer, sports, expats and women interested in making their acquaintance. Steinbock House – from where Prime Minister Andrus Ansip reigns.

Stockmann – a Swedish surname used as the brand name for the most successful Finnish department store. Valli Baar – if you are not a professional, don’t enter. Viru Keskus – Tallinn’s central shopping center, and where an Italian talent scout first spotted Carmen Kass.

Famous Estonians Anu Saagim – Estonian-born tabloid star, famous in Finland as well. Andrus Ansip – as of 2012, currently the longest serving prime minister of a European Union country. Carmen Kass – the Estonian supermodel par excellence, and perhaps the most successful Estonian woman to date. Edgar Savisaar – the ultimate political enemy for most Estonians, who also happens to be the long serving mayor of Tallinn. Evelin Ilves – the culinary-savvy First Lady. Jaanus Rohumaa – the head of “Tallinn 2011 - European Capital of Culture”. Kalev – more than just a brand of Estonian chocolate, the mythical father of Kalevipoeg, the giant hero who founded the Estonian nation.

Kristina Šmigun – for years the most successful Estonian athlete, especially after wining two gold medals in cross-country skiing events at the 2006 Winter Olympics. Lennart Meri – perhaps the most venerated president of any republic in the history of mankind; the only god in which Estonians truly believe. Toomas Hendrik Ilves – the President of Estonia, but a former American citizen, born in Stockholm and raised in the United States.

Estonian language Aitäh / tänan – either can be used for “thank you” Head aega / Nägemist – either can be used as a way of saying “goodbye” Jaanipäev – literally translates as “John’s Day”; more important than Christmas for Estonians, and marked by large-scale nationwide summer-solstice-related celebrations every June 24. Unbeknowst to most Estonians, June 24 marks the birthday of St. John the Baptist, hence the most commonly used translation of Jaanipäev into English as “St. John’s Day”. Jõmlus – the attributes of a provincial and not-very-educated male. Kallis – “dear” or “darling”; a term of endearment Kama – Sorry, but this time it’s not followed by the usual Vedic word that starts with an “s”. Estonian kama is a mixture of milled and roasted barley, rye, oats and pea flour to be mixed (usually with dairy products) whenever possible. It’s tasty and helps fill the stomach.

Keefir – “kefir” in English, a thick sour milk, with Turkic origins, that locals love to drink. Kurat – “damn!” Normaalne / väga normaalne – if being “normal” is a great compliment in Estonia, now imagine being “very normal”. Palun – can be used to mean both “please” and “you’re welcome” 20

Suur Munamägi – the highest peak of Estonia at 318 meters. Tere – “Hi!” or “Hello!” and a favorite word among tourists and expats. Tere hommikust – “Good morning!” Tere tulemast – “Welcome!” Vanaema – grandmother in Estonian, most often widowed and a true institution in this country. Other important terms and Estonian references Baltic Germans – the German rulers who lived for seven hundred years in the three Baltic countries (Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia). EEK – abbreviation for Estonian crown, or Eesti kroon, the local currency that was replaced by the euro on the 1st of January 2011 at an exchange rate of roughly 15.65 Estonian crowns per euro. Internal devaluation – policy promoted by the government in 2008-2010 to deal with the economic crisis by reducing both salaries and prices throughout the country, as an alternative policy to currency devaluation; as a result, salaries did in fact decrease...

Vana Toomas – the so-called guardian of the city of Tallinn, he is omnipresent in the Town Hall Square (Raekoja Plats). Viimne Reliikvia – A medieval love story filmed in 1969 and the most adored Estonian movie ever. Ülemiste Vanake – an old stubborn man who lives in Ülemiste Lake, and whose biggest wish is to flood Tallinn.