El Residente
38 Paradise, We Have a Problem by Tony Johnson
“YOU IDIOT! YOU MORON!”
Y
ou ever talk to yourself like that? Why? Does it serve some useful purpose? Accomplish some beneficial outcome? Or, does it actually interfere with your intended goals?
For some, an inner critic is so habitual that its ugliness is rarely noticed, it just seems like the “normal” way to respond to one’s mistakes. But that negativity actually harms us; it becomes a barrier to enjoying our lives by causing anxiety, depression, or the inability to relax. Extreme self-criticism engenders an urgent and impossible drive to find perfection, and when we don’t achieve it we express our disappointment in ourselves with irritability, anger, hostility, and unhappiness. We may think that those powerful condemnations result from the external circumstances of our life, and some do. But often, when we look closer, we’ll see they’re the consequence of how we TREAT OURSELVES in those life circumstances. Abusive self-talk may seem as natural as breathing, that it is a way to control, direct, or manage ourselves, and it is therefore unwise to turn it off. But occasionally, if we get a glimpse of its direct connection to our negative feelings about ourselves, we may see that it’s totally unfair, irrational, and cruel. The truth is that we are not only HARMING OURSELVES...we are inflicting collateral damage on others.
It’s been said that “The mind is a dangerous neighborhood. Don’t go there alone.” But, when it’s the only neighborhood we’ve ever known, we may not even imagine there’s a different way of treating ourselves. And if we become cognizant of how we are treating ourselves, we may be in conflict; on one hand we want to be free of that brutal inner judge, but on the other, we don’t know how to develop a healthier relationship with ourselves.
How did we get here in the first place?
THE CRADLE OF CRITICISM No infant is self-critical, self-destructive, or self-loathing; that is cognitively impossible. A child must have language (to call their self names with), a sense of self (with which to judge itself), and a list of readily available cognitive slams with which to bash themselves; none of which is possible until the child has developed thought language, which doesn’t occur until around 2½ to 3 years of age.
Fortunately, most parents are so loving and gentle and nurturing with their “bundle of joy” that no matter how frustrated they may be, they bite their critical tongue. Others, however, are not so kind; later, as the child grows and more can be expected of them, criticizing them seems to be a legitimate and a useful way to help the child learn to behave as expected, and that becomes the primary way their parents communicate with them.
Sure, kids can be tremendously annoying and parents do deserve compassion; they know that even though there are times when their child is lovably sweet and cooperative, they are not mature enough to be that way on a consistent basis. Even as they’re telling the child not to pull the dog’s tail, the child is pulling the tail; it takes a heroic amount of self-restraint to stay calm and realize that what went in the kid’s one ear, instantly came out the other.
HOW DOES SUCH PARENTAL CRITICISM BECOME SELF-CRITICISM? It is learned. We learn to judge ourselves by the same criteria by which we are judged. And that becomes who we ARE. Pity the poor child raised on put downs, fault
