This is what bereaved Mayo families have to say This leaflet was written and compiled by Mayo people who have been affected by suicide. The Mayo Suicide Liaison Project is funded by the HSE through the National Office for Suicide Prevention.
It made such a
difference to our lives to know we were
not alone
Introduction In October 2011 I began coordinating a project named the Mayo Suicide Liaison Project which supports families and individuals following a suicide. As I began this project I believed that we had a great resource here in the Family Centre in that we were already linked with many families bereaved by suicide through the bereavement support groups we have facilitated over the last number of years. I felt we needed to ask these families about the type of service / support that would work best. So I contacted some of those families and nine members eventually became part of a group which we call the “Family Advisory Group”. The primary role of this group is to inform the direction of our liaison project. At the first meeting of this group I asked members about what helped and what didn’t help them in their grief. This booklet is the summary of some of the main issues they raised in response to my question. In putting this booklet together they consulted with a further 30 families throughout Co. Mayo, who were affected by suicide, to take their views into consideration. The content of this booklet is special because it shows the richness of the individual contributions made by so many people. The views put forward were deeply personal and as you will discover the range of issues raised was wide. While the contributions made by families and individuals were unique to each person there are still many common threads running throughout the submissions. I am deeply grateful to the Advisory Group, and the families who worked with them, for sharing their experiences with us. It is the hope of the Family Advisory Group that we will update this booklet on a regular basis as we continue to learn from and listen to families. Le meas & dea-ghuí Máire Ní Dhomhnaill Counsellor & Project Coordinator
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Coping with the loss of a loved one to suicide what worked and what didn’t for people bereaved by suicide in Mayo
Everyone handles grief in their own way. Some want to talk and talk and others just want to be quiet and retire from contact for a while. Most go through phases of each. Coping with the loss of a loved one to suicide is one of the most challenging and persistent of all grief experiences. A Mayo couple who lost their adult son recounted the following: “We felt shock, disbelief - this couldn’t be happening to us. We cried so much at first and then the tears stopped and we felt numb. Over the coming weeks the stress built up and up. We felt so empty after the month’s mind Mass. It felt like we were walking around in a daze all the time. We couldn’t concentrate on anything. We couldn’t engage even with simple things. Watching TV felt like we were staring at a blank screen. We couldn’t face walking to town - it felt like everyone was talking about us or going to ask us how we were“
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It is important to honour and respect the evolving needs of the suicide-bereaved in the hours, days, weeks, months and years following this most grievous of losses. Often, both the bereaved and those trying to assist will feel utterly helpless but that is a valid part of the coping and learning process. Out of confusion some clarity and a sense of journey eventually arise. Hereunder is a list of actions that may be of assistance to those bereaved by suicide, followed by a list of responses which may be less than helpful.
Guidl elines d d
for fami ies an frien s of the deceased What worked in the days following the loss: 1. Close friends and relations should attend sensitively on the night and in coming days. It is so important to be there for the bereaved family members and equally important to allow the family time on their own. One Mayo man said; “I had to allow family and other people to take care of me, it helped me and it helped them too.” 2. When a death happens abroad it is important for first responders and community to acknowledge the tragedy and not wait for the funeral to sympathise; those days of waiting for the body to come home can be extremely difficult and lonely. 3. The community in the vicinity of the home can assist with catering, hospitality and housekeeping, and can also provide a listening ear as necessary. 4. If possible, forbidding alcohol at the wake and after the funeral may be a good idea as it reduces the risk of insensitive remarks or behaviour. 5. The normal rituals around the wake and the funeral are, of course, very important but it can also be very helpful for the bereaved to develop their own rituals such as regular spiritual practice in the home or the lighting of candles for the bereaved. In the divisiveness that can sometimes follow death by suicide some loved ones may feel, or actually be, excluded from the “official” formalities and they might derive some consolation from independent farewell rituals.
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6. In the case of the death of a young person, participation by the school in the funeral rituals, such as involvement in the oral contributions to the church service can be appreciated by the bereaved and may also be beneficial for the students. 7. The priest or other spiritual guide can be of huge help in the days following the suicide. If the suicide occurred at home the family may request a blessing of the house and this can be a significant healing experience for all in attendance, including friends and neighbours who may have been invited. 8. As well as receiving external support the family should be encouraged to help themselves through the crisis by talking, listening sensitively and grieving together. In the end, family members are in the best position of all to help each other. The mother of a young family in Mayo who lost her brother said; “My siblings and my parents and I talked together day and night about him, why did he do it, how we loved him and missed him so much. We shared our broken hearts and became so much closer as a family, walking the road together to a kind of healing and acceptance� 9. For most suicide-bereaved being able to rely on an empathic listening ear, or many of them, is the most vital component of recovery. Words of sympathy and messages received from friends and relations, especially ones that knew the deceased can be really important. The messages that most touched Mayo people were from friends that had lost loved ones themselves and who assured the bereaved that it was going to be hard but that the darkness would slowly lift.
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10. And.. it may also at times be appropriate not to speak at all and just be there in companionship; many of the Mayo bereaved appreciated the support of friends or relations who were able to sit with them in silence.
What worked in the longer term: 1. Friends and relations can really help a suicide-bereaved person to travel through their pain. One Mayo man who lost his partner said; “I slept in a friend’s house most nights for months after she died and I had dinner every night in a different house - both friends and family. All the time I was talking about what had happened and how could it have happened. People were so kind and attentive; they really helped me through the worst time of my life.”
On a similar theme a Mayo woman said; “It made such a difference to our lives to know we were not alone.”
2. Some voluntary groups such as the Family Centre in Castlebar offer counselling services to the suicide bereaved as does Console, Cúram Family Centre, Claremorris, Knock Counselling Services and others within the county. Depending on the financial circumstances of the bereaved these services may be free of charge or there may be an arrangement for a minimum fee or donation towards the cost of this service. Excellent counsellors are also available privately or through employee assistance programmes. There can sometimes be stigma associated with receiving counselling but many Mayo bereaved have derived enormous benefit from both long and short term counselling. One young Castlebar woman said; “The counselling gave me a safe place to pour out my pain so that I did not have to feel I was burdening family members.” 3. Many of the Mayo bereaved found suicide support groups very helpful and many who were initially reluctant were surprised at how effective they can be. One Mayo couple said; “We found it very difficult at first to build up the strength and courage to attend but the six weeks support group with other bereaved helped us so much. There were weeks when we struggled to make ourselves attend the meetings. But somehow we found the strength. At first we didn’t realise it was actually helping us until our family started to point things out to us. It made such a difference to our lives knowing that we were not alone.”
A young Mayo woman said; “My aunt convinced me to join a group at the Family Centre; best thing I did. Everyone in the group had something going on in their lives. We all shared our stories and helped each other through difficult times in our lives. I have made some really good friends through this group. We meet up every two weeks for a chat and a coffee and we stay in touch all the time.”
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4. Some people find that facing up to the loss through memorials such as collecting photos and videos on a DVD or planting trees or installing sculptures in the garden can be helpful. 1 One young Mayo woman said of her brother; “So I decided to do a scrapbook of his life. Although it was very hard looking at his pictures while doing this, it helped me so much! It also helped my parents; it has so many beautiful memories in there that it makes you feel at peace when you look through it.� 5. The deceased person’s room should not be altered or tidied without the agreement of the family. It may be better for the family to attend to this in their own time and they may very much appreciate assistance from friends or relations when the time comes. The process of clearing the room, whenever it happens, can be very emotional but it can, at the same time, be an important healing step on the road to recovery. 6. Many Mayo bereaved found it informative to read books on a broad range of topics such as: the psychology of suicide; the experiences of people bereaved by suicide; spirituality and selfhelp. Mayo County Library manages the Healthy Reading Scheme supported by the HSE which maintains within the library a section devoted to self-help books on themes such as emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. 7. Daily spiritual practice, including visits to the grave-side, can provide great solace. Equally, reassurance from clergy and other spiritual people that the person who has died is at peace may also be helpful. 8. Meditation is a particular form of spiritual practice which can be really helpful in coping with the stress of bereavement as it is essentially about training the mind and giving us some measure of control over our thoughts. Learning to control our
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1 It should be noted that memorials in public places or on the internet are not encouraged because of the danger of some vulnerable people perceiving suicide as a way of achieving a kind of recognition.
thoughts can help us to prevent, or recover from, the downward spiral of negative and repetitive thinking that can lead to despair. Training in meditation techniques is available through the local churches, from some counsellors, and from family centres and other organisations.
9. The ability to grieve properly, to really let it go, is hugely important. The bereaved are encouraged to avoid being shy about crying and deeply expressing their terrible loss in whatever way feels natural; spending periods alone and away from curious ears can be helpful in this regard. Some people describe the process of letting go as being like venting an enormous internal pressure. 10. Being bereaved by suicide is, for the majority, the most challenging and terrible experience of their lives. It makes sense therefore that we should really look after ourselves so that we can maximise our chance of weathering the storm. It is more important than ever before to eat really healthily, to stay physically fit by taking plenty of exercise and to do everything possible to get enough sleep and at regular hours. Going to bed late and staying on in bed in the morning is a pattern that is easy to fall into especially when emotionally traumatised, but this can have a severe mood lowering effect. A healthy well-looked-after body will really help in the battle to come through suicide bereavement and regain one’s confidence and zest for life. A Mayo man of middle age said; “I hadn’t played tennis since I was a teenager but I took it up again about 9 months after the loss and I found it really supportive; it helped to keep me fit, provided a great outlet for pent-up feelings and introduced me to a new social circle; no matter how bad I was feeling I always felt much better after a game.” 11. Some Mayo suicide-bereaved keep a journal in which they record their feelings and experiences on a regular basis. They find that this helps to clear their confusion and gives them a sense of the remarkable journey they have made when they review their entries months and years later. 12. After they have come through the traumatic early stages of their loss many of the bereaved in Mayo have found it cathartic and empowering to become involved in suicide prevention and post-vention initiatives such as joining or setting up local groups. This is often emotionally challenging work and it is important that bereaved volunteers have recovered enough to be able to undertake it. 13. “Time is a great healer” may be the most commonly used of clichés but this makes it no less true. Many of those bereaved by suicide in Mayo can attest to that, while the sense of loss may not diminish, the ability to live with the loss and even to learn hugely from coping with it increases with time.
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What didn’t work? 1. Even the close family of some Mayo bereaved have behaved insensitively by making inappropriate comments or by unwillingness to talk about the loss or the person who has died. This can result in adding significantly in the long term to the suffering of the bereaved. 2. It is dispiriting when people are reluctant to talk to the bereaved about the dead person or when they even try to avoid meeting or talking to the bereaved altogether. People do not need to worry about what to say as a kind look or touch or a listening ear is really appreciated. 3. There can be plenty of support around the time of the funeral but after that the bereaved can be left with very few callers and may feel lonely and abandoned. 4. The consumption of alcohol should be avoided as much as possible because it is a depressant and will make an already challenging situation seem much worse. 5. Although, as noted above, some people have had great support from their local Priest, Doctor and Garda, others have been surprised to receive no contact or visit from one or all of those first responders at all.
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6. Some suicide-bereaved found it irritating to be constantly advised how to behave and exhorted to “be strong.” Clichés and platitudes and any kind of insincerity are generally not appreciated. One young Mayo woman said; “It didn’t work that everyone was telling me to be strong and I had to be the strong one for my parents. I was strong but this really irritated me. I felt I couldn’t show any emotion. So I dealt with a lot of my grief on my own. This isn’t a good thing. I got through it but no one should have to do that………………. My whole life changed, every element of it. Luckily I became a much stronger person as a result. But I do think there needs to be help out there for people in a similar position to me.”
Do’s and Don’ts of living with the suicide-bereaved Do: • Respond honestly to questions asked by the family. You need not answer more than asked. If they want to know more, they will ask later. Too much information, too soon, can feel hurtful. • Get the names and phone numbers of everyone at the scene, of everyone who is involved in any way. The family may want to ask questions later. • Surround survivors with as much love and understanding as you can. Give them some private time. Be there but don’t smother them. Show love, not control. If you make another person dependent on you, both of you may end up in a painful relationship. • Let them talk. Most of the time they just need to hear out loud what is going on in their heads. Usually, they do not want advice. • Encourage the idea that all decisions are to be made by the family together. Allow them to decide for themselves what they are ready for. Offer your ideas but let them decide. • Expect that they will become tired easily. Grieving is hard work. • Keep a list of the phone calls you receive, if you are helping in the survivor’s home; and of visitors, and of those friends or relatives who bring food or other helpful items. • Keep track of commercial services, their mail, bills, cards, newspaper queries and notices. • If medications are administered, and you are helping in the home, learn their names and the hours they should be taken. • If a child has died, pay special attention to that child’s brothers and sisters, if any. Do this at the funeral and also during the coming months. Allow each of them to express as much grief as they are feeling and are willing to share. Allow them to talk of the endearing qualities of the loved one who died.
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Don’t: • Assume that you know best. Don’t tell a griever, “I just know how you feel.” You don’t know! • Don’t make comparisons, like saying, I know how you feel because my own baby (or father or mother or best friend) died and I….”No comparisons, please. • Don’t tell them what to feel! Let them feel what they are feeling when they are feeling it. If they are feeling pain or anger and it makes you uncomfortable, don’t try to change their feelings. • Never treat them as if they don’t have enough sense to make their own decisions, or to understand what they are being told. • Don’t preach. If religion is important to them, they will draw strength from it. • Don’t tell them that what has happened is God’s will. • Don’t tell them to call you” anytime, day or night,” unless you are prepared to take a 3 a.m. phone call. • Don’t ply them with your personal pain-killers such as alcohol, pills or personal medications. Leave that to the experts. • Don’t repeat over and over your offers to run errands, sweep the driveway, or call mutual friends. Just DO it! • If a child has died, don’t try to keep a parent from talking about the tragedy. • Don’t presume that you know why the person died by making remarks such as: - “His father/mother was very strict on him/her” - “His/her parents were not getting on too well” • Don’t try to take over. Many bereaved wish to remain involved in some activities and responsibilities.
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• Don’t stop seeing them.
• No matter who has died, don’t let that person’s name be tabooed. If he or she is never mentioned, it seems as if everyone wants to forget that such a person once existed. Most families need to hear the name of their loved one over and over. • Don’t alter the loved one’s room. Do not pick up clothes, or clean the room. When the family members are ready, they will take care of matters in their own way, or ask for help if it is needed. • Don’t let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved person. • Don’t try to find something positive (e.g.-a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about a loved one’s death. • Don’t point out, in the case of a child’s death, that they have other children. Children are never interchangeable. • Never make a comment which in any way suggests that a victim’s care in the home, emergency room, or wherever, was inadequate. Survivors (particularly parents) are already plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt. •
Don’t say things like: - “You need to be moving on” - “Now don’t be upset by it as it was their own choice” - “You could be worse off” - “A person has a right to choose whether to live or die”
- “My neighbour lost their son and they never got over it” - “You need to put it behind you now” - “Don’t be going to visit the grave”
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A word of Hope When a person takes their own life it has a devastating impact on close family, partners and friends. The bereaved often feel that the pain is unbearable, that they would prefer not to go on living themselves. In spite of these initial feelings the actual subsequent, experience of many suicide-bereaved people in Mayo who have travelled the path to recovery is that they eventually learn to embrace life again. They can even do so with increased appreciation for its richness and wonder. This booklet has outlined the importance of coping strategies such as: conscious grieving; the loving kindness of families, friends and neighbours; meetings with grief counsellors; and looking after physical, mental and spiritual health. If you can sincerely avail of some or all of these gifts to one-self and from others it is almost guaranteed that you will ultimately emerge into the light again. The road will undoubtedly be long and hard but many Mayo people have walked it before you and they are now vibrant examples of what the human spirit is capable of. These people will tell you that they were once in a place of inconsolable grief where they could not imagine ever being able to smile again let alone live a full life once more. But they are enjoying life again and some of them will even say that, while they still deeply feel the loss of their loved one, they are now better people than they ever were. In struggling along the hard path they learned so much of value about themselves, the nature of love and the incredible joy of living.
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Thank You I wish to thank from the bottom of my heart, all the members of the Family Advisory Group for being such great people to work with, the most driven, energetic, hardworking and genuine bunch of people I have met in a long time my life has certainly been enriched by your stories and experiences and I thank you for sharing those with me but also with all that will read this booklet. I thank all the individuals and families who contributed to this booklet by sharing their experiences in the hope that someday another family or individual will get some solace from their words. I have to mention three people by name for their particular contributions: James Ryan, a member of the Advisory Group who took all our typed notes and put them into the format you see today - he did trojan work with great compassion and thoughtfulness; Ben Wrafter who gave us his beautiful photos for this booklet; and Eleanor O Donnell, Graphic Designer with Cashin Print, a most talented and insightful young woman.
People were so kind and attentive; they really helped me through the worst time of my life
For you who are reading this booklet, I hope that you can take one small word or sentence from it today that will help you right now. These are the experiences and words of individuals who are grieving the death of a loved one; you may or may not agree with some of it but hopefully you will find one little gem that will have meaning for you. Le buĂochas MĂĄire NĂ Dhomhnaill Counsellor & Project Coordinator
THE FAMILY LIFE CENTRE, CHAPEL STREET, CASTLEBAR, CO. MAYO. Tel: 09490 25900 / 25901 Fax: 09490 28772 E-mail: familycentre@eircom.net Website: www.thefamilycentre.com Company Reg. No. 369613. Registered Charity CHY 15845
MAYO SUICIDE LIAISON PROJECT FAMILY CENTRE, CHAPEL STREET, CASTLEBAR, CO. MAYO.
This booklet is funded by the Kenneth Sweeney Memorial Fishing Competition Castlebar 2012.
Tel: 094 9025900 Mobile: 087 2172866 Email: mairenidh@thefamilycentre.com Web: www.thefamilycentre.com