Nausea by Emily Godden

NAUSEA

AUDIT CHAOS

NAUSEA A series of poems on the theme of existence written by Audit Chaos

CHAOS BOOKS

CHAOS BOOKS PUBLISHED BY AUDIT CHAOS

PUBLISHED BY CHAOS BOOKS, IPSWICH, ENGLAND

1ST PUBLISHED AUGUST 2013

ISBN — 978-1-291-51750-7

0140181806

9780241950050

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9780141185132

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I mustn’t put strangeness where there’s nothing. If only I knew what I was frightened of. SOMETHING has happened to me – I can’t doubt that anymore. I know all that, but I know that there’s Something else. I try in vain to re-join the past – I cannot escape from myself.

Nothing has changed and yet everything Exists in a different wayThen time started flowing again and the Emptiness grew larger. My Existence was beginning to cause me Serious concern, There was nothing in it that Wasn’t present…

…was it a dream?

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I don’t know - It may have been yesterday. After having my eyes closed there wasn’t a shadow to be seen. I found it hard to believe that they really existed. There was no way out. For want of something to do I watched the sky, I was going to go back – after all nothing changed. I was conscious; the sky was green and I felt happy. I’ve got no reason to say anything, I said you could never tell… I always evaded the question, it didn’t mean anything. I felt completely empty, they were looking at us in silence, It was hard to breathe. I knew nothing, I wasn’t thinking – it annoyed me, I ended up not saying anything, it would come to the same thing. It distorted my feelings; I was just like everyone else. I’m sure you’ll help me to understand… The typewriter, which had followed the entire conversation Caught up with the last few sentences. It was an idea I just couldn’t get used to. I began to breathe again, it took me a few seconds to adjustI found the noise quite painful, I mustn’t exaggerate. I managed quite well, you end up getting used to everything, Usually no one took any notice of me.

Keep quiet, it’s better for you.

I was conscious of being watched, There was complete silence… You have to understand – But no one seemed to understand.

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I’d like to wish you something in return. We hadn’t anything to talk about, I had a sort of feeling today that I’d like to remind myself of those times. It meant something.

This was the moment of awakening It was only an image, Without a beginning or end It hangs in empty space. They were anonymous objects.

You’re so afraid of anything sentimental You’re so absurdly scared! You imagine you aren’t what you see You imagine you are nothing. If I didn’t try

There were anxieties of the day before. Nothing could prevent it from having been, Nothing remained but periods of waiting Can people tell each other everything? The conversation has taken place-

I should think it absurd to go on living. Silence fell. It has happened. You can’t do anything. There were great blank spacesConsciousness remained.

I shall simply fade out of their minds, Into empty space. There’s nothing to explain, I know. There’s no longer any question. All this was in the order of things.

I didn’t understand what I was doing, It was absolutely impossible to delay That question. It’s nothing at all. Is that what I am? I am my own beginning.

There was nothing more to sayI remain alone.

You must make up your mind I think it’s odd to be so sure. Then a door slammed withinThese were surface thoughts Split into two entities.

I need to forget myself for a bit. I like you better as you are, Are you really sure? Nothing remained but words. The white light switched on again.

Something was on the threshold of existence You are before your time. Your time isn’t your own, I’ve finally lost all sense of realityLet me breathe.

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The general opinion was that they were misplaced. Of course, there is nothing more normal nowadays. They’re coming out: have you seen? Everything will be better, Things like that happen, They expired – hanging in the void. Nothing was moving, we must help one another. Freed from the dull sense of foreboding This was where fear began and with it, serious reflection. There was no point. No one thought to do anything. Divided between anxiety and confidence I could barely feel the first stirrings of that slight nausea. The measures that been taken were insufficient. It would not be defeated- in appearance nothing changed. Void of sense, unable to react against the wounds Imagination eventually inflicts on those who trust in it. This was exile. We understood one another. You are talking the language of reason, It still did not entirely accord with reality. It was designed to operate in this way, to fade away… Everything was sacrificed to efficiency, in truth Everything became present, there was only the here and now, This whole time was nothing more than a long sleep. The explanation had to be found for it. It was and yet it wasn’t. The others said nothing. Everything would begin again as though nothing had happened. The distant sound of silence was total.

You could hear the freedom.

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Individual days no longer seemed to exist There was nothing but next days. What else could be done? I found myself faced by a situation. I can’t believe it I remember it so well, It seemed odd that anyone could be happy. They were waiting for nothing, life would resume. People passed and did not see it What are you thinking about? They have nothing to decide, nothing to expect I don’t mind being silent, I’m afraid it’s true. I can hear them. I can’t invent things, It was a feeling of disillusion, the trouble isPeople won’t look reality in the face.

I was so happy here; I get ideas into my head. It’s always the same, why don’t I? Well, I just can’t. I don’t recognize myself. There was no further decision to take, And yet each dimension was an autonomous Consciousness, the totality of all my thoughts. A new world was coming into being… You aren’t really here at all, behind those eyes There is a starless sky formulating the present. I used to long to become invisible. I know at last that I am.

What do you suppose I’m thinking about? What are you thinking about? It did not exist, there’s no future in dreams, The future was here, overhead and all around. I’m nothing but a number, transparent I have already gone, we shall return. Back there I exist, don’t cry – it’s not good.

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This has been going on too long: Allow yourself to believe, Impatience begins a reaction Infringed on something inside. We know from this bitter experience It creates an extension of freedom. The disappearance of one is the Appearance of the other - We must Begin to exist. Suffering is the experience of Everyone- Then begins the desperate effort. Dreams have no limits, there is nothing to stop, The word forgiven sounds strange. Nothing is more revealing. A dream returns chaos and confusion They are all alone – everything is void. I live in spite of logic, everything is connected The first step is to continueWe have not yet reached that point.

Condemned in advance these, Beautiful thoughts have realised meaning. We are again confronted with a concept The idea – it is the reflection, it is not sufficient. To exist was to act, from a fixed beginning, Towards a definite end. It is only separated from progress. What does time matter? Nothing matters… It is not a question. In order to be understood This type of objectivity has no meaning. We cannot turn away – we still live today I am tired. Let us try, we can still believe. It cannot answer all questions Justice is living.

Imaginary meaning will spring paradoxical definition. We are alone, forever alone- empty forever Our aim is to create, this autonomy is absolute. Nothing is the answer to the question If everything is logical, everything is justified, Without beginning and without end.

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I wonder if I might venture to offer you some help? Believe me, I have forgotten nothing. Only answer if you don’t think I’m being inquisitive. Forgive me. I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was aiming higher. Let’s say no more – I kept an eye open, free of all responsibility. I’ve never needed to learn how to live, I was in total harmony with life. I felt I was something, but no- I was satisfied with nothing. I’m getting to it, don’t worry. In fact, I’m there. I was thinking of something else, It’s a conscious decision. Sometimes I pretended, I lived from day to day with no continuity. My dream had not withstood the test of reality, I blamed myself. My impulses always turn inwardsMy power of forgetting gave me more freedom. The heart of it lay in the painful and resigned assertion - that I was nothing. I lived my part, I myself experienced Only the shadow of these emotions. If we are to end, We must stop existing, I have no imagination.

I was tormented by the idea that I might not have time to accomplish my task. We’re going forward, but nothing changes, I was still trapped, it had been waiting for me. I am the end and the beginning, don’t they have The same meaning? I knew not what I did, I was wrong. The fall occurs… It will always be too late.

I knew my weakness, I felt vulnerable. We’re in the waiting room, no doubt you’re right. I merely continued to play my role, My life went on as though nothing had changed.

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I It was a dream – no it wasn’t. You’ll get used to it. There would be nothing But meaningless days and common sense. The large black and white page spoke to them; Of course the pressure is lessening. It’s all over now, what future was there? Just now I don’t believe in it all. I want to see the others. What others? The ones who ask awkward questions. Pictures are just dreams, no one here is real. I’m not real. Silence fell between them. Even in the ultimate privacies of sleep it was lost. It’s just how things are – there was nothing you could do. Defeat had become a part of everyday. The only thing that separated them was The flat surface of the canvas. Between now and tomorrow there’s only a night. There’s nothing I can do about it - don’t go too far. I can’t see you. What have my thoughts been doing?

I was beginning to get worried. This sort of talk was just words, you go along I may join you later; they were on the other side. They made no attempt to understand. What can I say? They don’t believe me. Everyone can make a mistake, I wasn’t so wrong was I?

Something was wrong. I think I understand. I know nothing about anything, the waiting’s the worst This is the beginning. They’re everywhere. We don’t count any longer, we live in a dream. I know who you are; I rather think I’ve seen you. And you really believe that - what alternative was there?

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All mention was forbidden. Everything, eventually forgottenTrapped between silence; I was cured. We were victims of misunderstanding, I regained consciousness. It gave me my freedom. I find it hard to tell, Everything is dark, everyone asleep. I was afraid, I fought anxiety with ecstasy. In the void I would tear myself from nothingness. I would vanish into fresh air. I never stopped creating myself. I believed in progress, I forgot myself. I found ideas more real than things, what was I to do? I relished understanding yet not understanding, I should never have written when I was alone. I used to recite the list, existence was mistaken. Should I complain? Someone was watching me; These anxieties did not last. How sad it was. What I have just written is false. True. I cannot make my mind up about it.

I found my profound uselessness even more obvious. I was free, I was â&#x20AC;&#x201C; normal. I was my own cause. I protected myself through the imagination. I loved seeing the invisible â&#x20AC;&#x201C; I was absolute I was the being in despair. The future existed, it was merely a deferred present. I let myself go and I discovered, I would exploit this vein all my life. I often had this anxiety, I was intoxicated by a fabulous silence. I believed in these people who pretended to believe in me. Today I have progressed, because I have realised That I am progressing no longer.

Even when alone I was performing, I used to forget. I had lost the chance of becoming real. How can you act a part without knowing it? Nothing exists without a reason, I remained an abstraction. I felt myself become an object.

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Up above they were trying to reach Fear that would instantly vanish. What is it? I don’t know, We haven’t thought about it. I could picture nothing. In truth there was no order, only chaos The course of time itself was shattering. No one had known, like a stranger… But for someone who was nothing It was not too late.

You were far away – I don’t know. I wouldn’t let myself do that There was no time, you could not tell I’m afraid it’ll stop. They’re like other people, Everyone was sleeping, beginning to fade. What was going on? Empty of memories Holding onto a few blurred images A single anonymous shadow would emerge. I did not think about it, but in some sense lived it. It doesn’t matter- You know where I am …come and see me if you need help. If you’d waited any longer you might Have found nothing there. We tear down and we rebuild. We think about the future People forget, but they’re waiting. The anonymous history cried from exhaustion The silence of anonymity, Was in the hands of the inexorable. Existence was divided, you can’t just stay here doing nothing.

I’ve never concerned myself with it, I would restrain myself from trying to learn more. I know you find that hard to believe. You don’t believe me, and that is a fault in you. Let’s go on with our conversation: I have accomplished nothing. I owe everything, forgive me, For not knowing how to respond. There is a terrible emptinessForget the insomnia.