WHAT MY MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT SINCERITY ON THE INTERNET / ERIN NORTON

WHAT MY MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT SINCERITY ON THE INTERNET

WORDS ERIN NORTON VISUALS DARIA SHULGA

My lovely Mama, No matter how many times you may have caught me rolling my eyes at your little nuggets of wisdom, I assure you that I did listen to you. Even more so, I kept your knowledge that was passed down through your lineage close to my heart and at the forefront of my brain. I’m sure you remember the many times I groaned as you sterny reminded an impulsive younger version of myself that I only had one reputation. You urged me to make the very best of it, as it was my one true responsibility—a long lasting reminder passed down from your own father that I’m sure you can still remember his voice repeating to this day. You were the most wonderful mother, and continue to be to this day. You did everything you could in my upbringing to ensure that I was always smiling, well taken care of, and ready to take on the real world. But nothing could have ever prepared either one of us for the delights and challenges of the internet. Do you remember all the times I asked you for a phone in middle school and you had to tell me to be patient? I’m sure you do, because I grimace at the thought alone of how annoying I might have been—I would hate to hear how much of a nuisance I was from your perspective. Although, in retrospect, I’m sure you understand why I so badly wanted a phone. As soon as the idea of online culture popped into my head, I desperately wanted to join. Everyone else was joining, why couldn’t I? But being the parent that you were— always looking out for me and not wanting to put me into a situation you yourself weren’t even familiar with at the time—you thought it to be best to steer me as far away as you possibly could, particularly when it came to social media. This was the exact opposite of how my friend’s parents were treating the use of the internet, they gave them unlimited access and I was envious. While all of my friends were making their first posts on Instagram, my feet stayed firmly planted in the ground of my literary dreamlands. Instead of remaining there by choice, it felt as though roots wrapped around my ankles and held me there as

I watched everyone else run so far ahead of me. It was one of the first times I had ever truly felt alone. In the online community, anyone could choose who they wanted to be—the perfect pitch for insecure middle schoolers everywhere—and that’s all I wanted. But I couldn’t have that. I was missing out on all the fun. I convinced myself that I needed social media to create a personality for myself—curate it and tend to it like it was a gallery. I’m sure you remember well, Mama, how we fought tirelessly over something as small as the internet. When I was in middle school, I would rant and complain about how you wouldn’t let me be online. In actuality, as I look back, I don’t think I could comprehend the loneliness that being left out of something so new and that’s what made me so upset. So I did what every overly emotional pre-teen does: disobey their parents. I secretly downloaded the three social media apps that were the most popular amongst my friends: Snapchat, Instagram, and Tumblr. As soon as each platform had an account in my name, I immediately felt a rush of belonging flow into the tips of my fingers. I could do anything. I could make friends and stay up to date on trends that I didn’t used to understand when my peers would reference them in class. Being online even answered questions about myself that I hadn’t even thought to ask before. I learned so much about queer identity on Tumblr—cringey, but nostalgic and surprisingly helpful—and I was able to learn more about my own gender and sexuality as did so many others. While some good came of my new life on social media, there of course were the dangers of being a young impressionable person on the internet. One of the things I was exposed to immediately was the abundance of new people I could make friends with. As you know, Mama, I wasn’t exactly popular when I was fourteen—and, who was? And what’s more tempting than a whole new contact list waiting to be created? Before I could form any genuine connection with a stranger on the internet, you caught on and promptly had me delete all of the apps I hid from you. From that point on, you strictly kept me offline and away from social media. The funny thing was, the entire time I was online, I kept thinking about what you said about reputation. Of course it helped that it’s always been your favorite philosophy so you talked about it all the time, and still do to this day. The short time I was online in middle school, I thought about how I was perceived by the people I shared chat rooms with and those who saw my posts. What versions of me did they know? When it all came to an abrupt end, of course I was frustrated. And of course we were at odds with each other at the time, but in retrospect, I’m grateful that I chose to fully perfect interacting with others in reality first, as opposed to launching myself into the online world head first. As soon as I blew out the candles on my sixteenth birthday cake—a chocolate cake with raspberry filling that you made for me every year—you handed me a card with your sweet words on it and a note that read

“Because nowadays, interests can lie anywhere and so many lovely people can be met just by a comment. Maybe we are not meant to be singular, ourselves.”

something along the lines of: Go ahead and get online, Er Bear. I’m not gonna stop you. Love, Mama. And with that, I grabbed my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and downloaded just one app: Instagram. This time, it felt right. Feeling truly authentic in my own skin since I had time to fully form a personality, I felt prepared to make genuine and meaningful connections online with acquaintances and strangers alike. Recently I’ve been reflecting on the differences between the ways that my friends were raised and the way that you raised me. I often wonder how our time spent online has impacted the way that we interact with others in real life. Keeping in mind constantly the golden rule that you always taught me—you only get one reputation—I always made it a point to be nothing but kind and purely honest to everyone around me. It wasn’t until I began to form online relationships when I realized that for some people, personalities and reputations were no longer a singular thing. I’ve noticed in my own small instances of forming online friendships and from observing friends who have placed a heavy emphasis on having internet friends, that most people find friends based on particular niches. If a person has multiple different interests, which is just a given of being a human, they are likely to have many friends in these different corners of their own little sliver of the universe. In order to continue these connections, they must be separately authentic in each of these places, a concept I wasn’t used to. Before going away to college, I remember helping you set up your very own Instagram account. Now that I’m away at college and you’re still back at home, I love seeing your cute comments on my post, something most of my friends here at school poke fun at me for, but I love to see how you’ve warmed up to social media. It’s so interesting to watch your own ideas about internet culture and the online world change and evolve over time. Maybe you realized too that in the world of the internet, reputation for the everyday user is no longer a singular thing. Of course it’s important because how else are we going to feel authentic and create our own special personalities? Because nowadays, interests can lie anywhere and so many lovely people can be met just by a comment. Maybe we are not meant to be singular, ourselves. And Mama, let me tell you, the people at college are fantastic. I have never in my life met so many different types of people and it’s spectacular. Many of them I got to know online, my first true online friends, but others I got to know in real life. So many of them grew up online, and they are some of the most well rounded and sincere people I know. As we are different in our own ways, I’ve learned so much from them. I can’t wait to keep growing with them and within myself. xoxo,

Your eternally grateful daughter <3