papergirl solomon apodaca emmarose heath
you’re my bowl packed with loud and fire, the hue of blue in the flame coming out my lighter, the cheap wine on the counter that makes my body feel lighter and my mind take flight to faraway places with new faces i’ve never seen before. do they exist? in imagination and bliss my world becomes tangible, in canonization and a fiery death my thoughts become manageable, with my words swaying myself like water my will becomes malleable
and all that’s left is me created in God’s image with divine gifts going to waste, unloved and notably unnotable with unsophisticated taste am I my father, a midsummer tempest washing out desert dirt roads to those closest to me? or am I Joseph trapped in the astral world of dreams sleeping in my bed with a desert willow close to me? who knows.
the mesa is dry. the papergirl lives on the other side of the river drawing pictures on glass. She shows the world beauty as seen only through her eye, and creates visions of the past. the papergirl has two homes, the desert and the mind. she incites goodwill and kindness, and misperception of time. when she touches your tongue, she makes you look within. give unto Caesar what is Caesars, for loving her is an earthly sin.
i saw a man today while i was pumping gas and he recognized my face from sometime in the past but i paid no attention my mind was somewhere else the desert sun is done sleeping for the year, and his cousin luna shines brightly cause he's here and he lit her face so i could see her beautiful smile sitting next to me and i don't want to go home and we were trapped out there but i didn't care stuck running my fingers through her hair and i don't want to go home no i don't want to go home - stuck in the sand
when i'm with you i feel like i'm the man everything is a can and nothing is a can't sad stories are not as sad and when i'm mad, it's not all that bad when i'm with you i feel a new kind of high no hit of weed or lsd could beat the way you make me fly i cannot deny the vibes you ride on to be the tide that saves my life and walking by i feel pride when you're by my side when i'm with you my heart is pure you're the the cure to my immaturities, my insecurities, you're reassuring me i won't always be an obscurity, but i'm unsure, cause i assure you i'm premature and lured by easy cures to my insecurities, really i shouldn't be immature because i'm anything but miniature when i'm with you the world is good, i'm driftwood in the lazy river down the street in my neighborhood, from boyhood to manhood to sainthood, i've chased the BMW and the backwood but i shouldn't cause you're more perfect than my fretboard made of rosewood even though i can't be your man like i wish i could, when i'm with you, it's all good
it's good. the crying makes my eyes tired enough to put me to sleep. the crying makes my eyes tired enough to ignore the dread. the crying makes my mind clear enough to know how much i love you. the crying makes my eyes clear enough to know that this is just how things are supposed to be right now. i still know that this is just how things are supposed to be. this is just how things are supposed to be. this is how things are supposed to be. this right now is sculpting the future, this right now is shaping our lives. i'm grateful for right now, i'm grateful for the pain, i'm grateful for the heartbreak. it's going to make the good in our futures there, worth it, all worth it. you're everything in the world and everything outside the world. you're inside-out and upside down and right side out and right side up and everything and nothing and peace and chaos and speed and slow and still and loud and quiet and gentle and rough and everything. i am grateful for right now, no matter how much i cry. no matter how many times i look at you and can't say anything. and no matter how many times i tell you that i wish there were more hours in the day, and no matter how many times i cry, i am grateful for right now. i am grateful for every second with you, i am grateful for every smile, every eyelash, every sun ray, every light on the horizon on the drive home, every tree on the mountain in front of us, every star in the sky, every grain of sand beneath our feet, every sound wave, every pixel, every intangible and tangible thing that has ever passed between your soul and my soul and the universe. it's good.Â
her magic she makes touches pencils and paintbrushes making me feel red as her cheeks when she blushes a troubled creative just like me her thoughts are beautiful her brush it takes me to another place where life is doable the depth of her imagination seems to be almost divine i wish i knew her muse and that she knew that she is mine
and she said i love the time we spend together cause i feel i'm okay from chicago to seattle our friends went away and i miss them but i'm okay and i don't know what to say and that's a first because i'm always so damn loud and rowdy but you bring me down cause you know the way to talk to me and stroke my hair and build me up and calm me down but i'm rolling i can't feel my face you break my heart you hated this town but you think that i am better than i am and you make me so damn proud to be me and i know that we are young and free and she said i love the time we spend together cause i feel i'm okay from chicago to seattle our friends went away and i miss them but i'm okay
my honeybee lives in the tree outside my window. my honeybee is willing to give his life to protect the hive even if it means leaving a widow. the queen bee is an unfaithful love so he takes refuge in his true love, a single rose blooming in midsummer. unable or unwilling to speak, there is a language only him and his lover understand, one of mutual reliance, providing oasis for one another in the sun and sand. my honeybee is timid but has a dark side that only the lower can bring out. self destruction is only a side e fect of the love he cannot renounce. the lower sits perched waiting for her lover, but she will only surrender herself to the one bee, never another, she cannot create without him, and the same is true for both a beauty that can only be captured by a brush or musical note.
the smell of rain on concrete mixes with backyard barbecues and fire pits. my phone buzzes violently with the flash flood warning and i just try to forget. i smell you in all my laundry. i smell you when i get out of the shower, instantly transforming my reality into a daydream of you. everything is you you you i'm drowning in you. all my favorite songs remind me of you not just because we listen to them together but because you're all the good things in the world, from desert willows blooming to kendrick lamar verses i scream when i'm home alone. even though life tastes bitter now you always press pause on the violence. you're filling my life with small blessings and love overflowing you're summer nights summer mornings summer suns summer green and blue and white
and blinding light and coolness and sweetness and love love love and more love. you're lightning bolts and gentle rolling thunder and the white noise that puts me to sleep. i smell you when it rains. everything is you i am drowning in you
your lips curl slightly upwards, syllables falling from your tongue like raindrops dripping, dripping in honey and stardust, shiny and bursting at the seams, begging to be shattered. and let's not pretend it wasn't hard for us to get here, like tears weren't swallowed and there was no salt on the wound. sweet salty sweet words passed back and forth, heartbroken truths. here, the water is deep and the current is strong. here, the mountains flush red like sore throats and chapped lips. here, the moon is full every night. sunlight casts shadows of your eyelashes against my cheek, freckled, blushing. i floor the gas pedal, stopping only for you. sunlight passes through my curtains, drowning my room with a golden light, i could dop in and paint, living forever. sunlight bounces off the asphalt, a mirage of faith, of hope for the future, i feel like i could live forever. with fucked out metaphors and fucked over promises. all of it. i would never change a goddamn thing.Â
The Papergirl zine is a creative collaboration between Solomon Apodaca and Emmarose Heath, a. k. a. Lil Duque x Papergirl. The poetry (with a few exceptions) is written by Solomon and the illustrations are by Emmarose. Papergirl was born out of their love for each other, shared creative energy, and infinite inspiration. Solomon Apodaca (a. k. a. Lil Duque) is a musical artist, creative entrepreneur, and owner of Fat Willy Records from Albuquerque, New Mexico. You can find his music on Soundcloud and Spotify under Lil Duque, or on Instagram @yungduque. Emmarose Heath (a. k. a. Papergirl) is a visual artist, illustrator, and graphic designer from Albuquerque, New Mexico, currently attending Bennington College in Vermont. You can find her art on Instagram @papergirlofficial.