Navigating through Change amongst the Family

By: Andrea Sipcic

As we are creating and experiencing our own changes within ourselves, depending on the depths and extremes, some can at times seem uncomfortable, overwhelming or tumultuous. Going through and adjusting through this is enough in itself; now we add life - work, routines, deadlines, peers, bills, school, romantic life, friends, children and of course, family and all its dynamics and differences. Usually it is said that our family knows us best. This means they know our patterns, tendencies, habits, flaws and traits. We have also developed with them (and them with us) different patterns, dynamics and even codependencies that have served us to maintain relationships and connections with them, albeit sometimes unhealthy. From this we generally know what to expect from them and them from us, for the most part. We tend to look at things based on past experiences and patterns from people and relationships and from there anticipate and create our experiences. Now when we look at bringing change or any type of pattern interruption, things can get stirred up and go in many different directions. Each of us that is a member of a family plays a role in the whole picture, almost like a puzzle. Change a piece of the puzzle, and you can affect the whole puzzle and enforce other pieces to be rearranged. So changing yourself can inevitably create some sort of change within your family dynamic. This is most often change that is needed, potentially breaking old, flawed and unhealthy patterns, dependencies and even illusions.

With this introduction to change, most often there are two general ways things can go in - family members either embrace and follow suit, or they resist and insist on the old ways. Of course the latter is the most challenging to navigate through, but it is also where the most focus and insistence from you, for you, that’ s required. This is because it can be very easy, especially in the beginning stages of change, for us to be swayed into old patterns, cycles and what is easy (especially for those we love) if we are not focused and diligent. Sometimes keeping ourselves in old patterns serves others to feel better, but in an unhealthy way, or fulfills some sort of void for others or for a relationship, or even for ourselves. So it is very important to know which direction you are wanting to go in, what changes you want to make and maintain, and keep in mind that to do so can seem a little tough and as mentioned, can be met with some (or a lot of) resistance. It is up to you to stay in your own lane, knowing what you want and need for you, as you can not control your family members and how they react/respond to you and the changes.

There are of course at times when other family members are also navigating through their own changes. So now we are dealing with more new, changing puzzle pieces that we have to navigate through together and establish new patterns, connections and dynamics. From my own experience, I have found this much easier to flow through, with the main reason being that the other/s are already open and willing to change and taking steps in that direction. I found there was more peace within dysfunctional relationships, much less resistance to moving forward together and more acceptance of the new me, with it more so being embraced rather than rejected and resisted.

I had some very established, unhealthy dynamics within my family relationships and myself that I have been navigated through. I found at the beginning stages it was so easy to turn back to old patterns for various reasons - it was easy, familiar and maintained some unhealthy dependencies which even at times gave me a sense of importance and belonging. I would also easily lose my focus as to where I wanted to go when I gave too much attention to what others were doing in their own unhealthy roles. I would then slip right into my own and from there we could maintain the relationship and ‘ connection ” we knew so well, however dysfunctional it was. Not knowing what my new relationships with my family would be like scared me, and from there I was hesitant to make permanent changes. Moving on though, I knew I wanted to make changes for myself and knew some of my family relationships had to change. I figured as I changed the chance of not really having much of a connection with family members was there. I also knew though, that I just had to trust that whatever relationships came from the new me, would be better than the unhealthy ones I had at the time. So from there I decided to follow through with where I wanted to go for myself, maintained myself there as best I could within family interactions and minimal attention to the old, unhealthy patterns demonstrated by others. I found as I stayed more and more consistent with this, others started to follow suit. It was

almost like being a leader and I found I was even more respected. It took knowing what I wanted for me, staying focused and in my own lane and remaining determined no matter what anyone else was doing.