April Fool's Issue 2011 by Enigma Magazine

WWW.ENIGMAONLINE.COM

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

BREAKING NEWS Charlie Sheen and His “Toxic Torpedo of Truth” Booked to Play Memorial Auditorium CHATTANOOGA – Lock up your daughters and seal your medicine cabinet as Live Nation has announced Charlie Sheen is coming to Chattanooga to perform his “Toxic Torpedo of Truth” as a fundraiser for the Comedy Catch.

Sheen admitted. Sheen told EMZ that Shore was originally cast for the part of Private Chris Taylor in “Platoon” but had to give up the role because it interfered with the filming of his Fox sitcom “Totally Pauly” so he suggested that his party mate Sheen take the The embattled former star of the hit role. “I owe all my success to Pauly TV series “Two And A Half Men” who and he’s good friends with the owner was recently fired over his bizarre of the Comedy Catch and told me the behavior and threats against the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre has taken his act to the stage as reported by EMZ a few weeks ago.

Comedy Catch owner Michael Alfano was at a loss for words when asked about the fundraiser. “This is just great,” he said. “Not only do I get to see my pal Pauly again, but I get to meet Martin Sheen’s other son,” the club owner boasted.

treatment.”

Sheen admits to remembering Crutchfield and called her “a goddess with class, brains, and a rockin’ bod”, as best as he could remember. Tickets go on sale for the show April 1 and will be available online at Ticketmaster Recently the Chattanooga City and sold locally at Elations, Biker’s Commission passed an ordinance Emporium and Diamonds and Lace. Ticket prices for the show range between $45 and $125 for VIP packages. Sheen will be traveling with his goddesses. “Natty and Bree will be part of the live show,” he says. “This will be the first time I’ve been before a large audience for any length of time without disrobing,” said Olson, a now former porn star. “We’ll see about that,” laughed Sheen.

“I was talking with my pal and fellow warlock Pauley Shore and he told me about this comedy club in Chattanooga that is being bullied by the city to install a sprinkler system to comply with their new codes for some reason,” said Sheen recently in Malibu. “I hate trolls like that trying to put the little man out of business and screw him out of money by making him do that.”

“This will be a 90 minute venomous rant and rave about how these powerful trolls like CBS, local government and the DEA try to keep regular folks like you and me from winning,” said Sheen. Also included in the stage show will be readings from several scenes from “Two And A Half Men” and the “Major League” franchise.

“Pauley’s playing in Chattanooga next month and he and I go way back,” said Sheen. “We used to freebase off the backside of Spring Breakers during his MTV spring break specials,” the embattled actor said. situation.” “I actually owe my success to Pauly,” P.O. Box 825 Chattanooga, TN 37401 (423) 267-6072 (706) 657-3537 email info@enigmaonline.com twitter.com/EnigmaMag

d.a. weinthal - publisher Mark Bedford - Managing Editor Oswald Kiniski - Art Director Wm. Alexander - Editor-In-Chief craig fentress - editor-at-large Contributing Editors jim sells, sissy vance, scorpio jones iii, mike dougher, david n. marks, hank cashman, shawn whitfield, casey orr sales - mark caldwell, jennifer edge printing by graphic web

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VIEWS EXPRESSED BY CONTRIBUTORS ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF THE PUBLISHER, BUT ENIGMA LIKES TO CONSIDER ITSELF AN OPEN FORUM FOR DISCUSSION OF ALL SIDES OF AN ISSUE. FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT YOUR OPINION.

requiring all nightclubs to install sprinkler systems, no matter how big the venue. “We don’t want another Great White mishap,” said commissioner Sally Robinson. Robinson was referring to the club fire in Rhode Island where 100 people lost their lives when a fire was started in a nightclub where the band performed after setting off illegal pyrotechnics. “I can never listen to ‘Once Bitten’ again without crying,” she said. “These trolls are trying to put the hard working little guy like Michael out of business, and I’m not going to stand for it,” said Sheen. “Winning… that’s all I’ve really got to say about the situation,” the troubled actor said. “I, and my fellow warlock Pauly will help beat down these morons and hopefully make people smile at the same time.” Missy Crutchfield from the Education, Arts and Culture department confirmed the fundraiser. “This is a really wonderful event for Chattanooga to have such a big name celebrity offer to help one of our own small businesses,” the administrator said. “I got to meet Charlie on the set of ‘Wraith’ back in the day when I was an extra on the movie and he gave me the royal

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

Sheen’s publicist said Sheen and his entourage will arrive in town a day early and will make a personal appearance at Elations adult novelty store to sign toys and anything else he can leave his mark. He and the goddesses will pose for pictures from 13pm. “We’re doing this because the store is the first official carrier of my energy drink, ‘Tiger Blood’,” said Sheen. Sheen is also scheduled to throw out the first pitch at AT&T Field at the Lookouts vs. Braves game that weekend. Corbin Bernsen is scheduled to appear as “Wild Thing’s battery mate when he throws out the first pitch. “Gosh, this should be a YouTube moment for us here,” said Lookouts’ owner/general manager/worldwide expansion director and sushi chef Frank Burke told EMZ. “I just hope he knows we cut off beer sales after the seventh inning.” “I look forward to expanding the horizons of Chattanooga,” Sheen told EMZ. “And if I can help a cool cat like Michael Alfano win, all the better.”

Mad Marchness I realize that March will be joining the saints and be marching on by the time you read this. April Fool’s Day draws nigh... along with our national tax deadline day and my very own birthday. But... back to March. I said last week that this is the maddest March in recent memory. If anything, that supposition has been proven more strongly in the last week... ...The NCAA Mens’ Basketball Tournament has been just plain crazy. Virginia Commonwealth University, one of the “play in” teams and a team that was almost universally judged to be unworthy of a place in the 68-team draw, joins Kentucky, Connecticut and Butler in the Final Four. Holy crap. There are no #1 or #2 seeds in the FF. A con-

Now serving Bison Burgers

vergence of forces has created a left to play. Not feeling bad yet... perfect storm that has made men’s college basketball slightly ...Last night, I watched Notre more interesting... Dame’s Lady Irish beat up on the Lady Vols. The LV’s had to win to ...First off, this sudden “parity” make it to the Chicks’ Final Four, between the “mid majors” and the but ND just owned them in the top shelf teams from the marquee second half. I have not see anyconferences is not that sudden. one push a Pat Summitt-coached Big time programs recruit big time team around... ever. Until Notre players who want to do some col- Dame pushed them around... lege time and start earning some bank in the NBA. “Mid majors” ...Things don’t look good for the have four-year players and JuCo U.S. men’s soccer team. Michael overachievers. Team chemistry Bradley just nailed a shot at goal on the mid-major teams is amazing to watch. It all comes together to create some sort of balance of power...

...I guess I’m pulling for Kentucky in the FF. When I was a highschooler, my parents and I drove from Chattanooga to Oklahoma. During the long drive, we picked 423-266-9466 up Kentucky Wildcat games on 346 Frazier Ave. the AM radio. We spent several nights listening to the exploits of point guard Jimmy Dan Conner and his cohorts. But, honestly, I’m kind of pulling for VCU too. Who wouldn’t be? Seriously...

Huge variety of great bar food

...On this Tuesday night, I’m watching the U.S. men’s soccer team play Paraguay in a “friendly” (scrimmagelike) match. The Paras lead, 1-0, so far. The match is being played at LP Field in Nashville. I meant to go. But the game day kind of snuck up on me. If the U.S. comes back to tie or win, I’ll feel bad. Ten-ish minutes

that was saved by the Guayan goalkeeper. With four minutes left, it will be hard for the Yanks to get another great shot at goal... ...Paraguay 1, Estados Unidos 0. I’m glad I didn’t drive to Nashville for that one. I’m glad I didn’t get tickets to the Chicks’ Final Four... and I’m glad I don’t really care who wins the Final Four this year...

— Mark Bedford

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

H e l l o N AA SS CC AA RR N F a n s ! K e v i n Harvick won the Auto Club 400 at Auto Club Shawn Whitfield Speedway for his 1st win of 2010 and the 15th of his career. He came from 3rd place with 3 laps remaining and passed Jimmie Johnson for the win coming off turn 4 on the final lap. Johnson held on for second. Kyle Busch, who led 151 laps on the day finished 3rd, followed by Matt Kenseth, Ryan Newman, Carl Edwards, Clint Bowyer, Brian Vickers, Kasey Kahne, and pole sitter Juan Montoya. Points leader going in to the race, Kurt Busch finished 17th. There were 18 lead changes among 10 drivers; 4 cautions for 16 yellow flag laps.

22001111 NNAASS CCAA RR SS pprrii nntt CCuupp DDrriivv eerr CChhaam mppii oonnsshhiipp PPooii nnttss SSttaa nnddiinngg ss:: (after Auto Club Speedway, race 5 of 36): rank, car#, driver, points, behind 1) #99-Carl Edwards 187 (1 win) 2. Ryan Newman178 -9 3) #22-Kurt Busch 177 -10 4) #18-Kyle Busch 176 -11 (1 win) 5) #48-Jimmie Johnson 173 -14 6) #14-Tony Stewart 170 -17 7) #27-Paul Menard 164 -23 8) #42-Juan Pablo Montoya 161 -26 9) #29-Kevin Harvick 157 -30 (1 win) 10) #17-Matt Kenseth 157 -30 11) #4-Kasey Kahne 157 -30 12) #88-Dale Earnhardt Jr. 156 -31 DDaall ee EE aarrnnhhaa rrddtt JJrr.. hhaa ss nnoo ppll aannss ttoo TTw wee eett:: Many NASCAR drivers have gotten involved with Twitter, some extensively, tweeting practically from the moment they wake up in

the morning. #88-Dale Earnhardt Jr. isn’t one of them. Certainly, he understands Twitter’s usefulness and his team’s use of it, but he just can’t get into it. “I used to have a Myspace.com page and I used to have a Facebook page, (but) I don’t anymore because it was just too much responsibility,” he said. “I felt like you had to plug in and be involved with it so much and I thought personally I don’t

need to do it. I understand we use it on the business side of it and how it works for JRM, but personally, you know, it would be fun for about a month and then I would start to feel like it was a job where people expected me to do it.”

SSm m aall llee rr rree ssttrrii ccttoorr ppllaa ttee ffoorr DDeeggaa :: NASCAR Sprint Cup Series teams have been notified that they will

be using a 7/8 inch diameter restrictor plate in next month’s event at Talladega. That represents a 1/64 reduction from what was used in the season-opening Daytona 500. Cooling system regulations will remain the same as at Daytona, with maximum air inlets mandated at three inches high by 20 inches wide.

Mayfield will have two weeks to respond to NASCAR’s brief. The appeals court - the Fourth Circuit, based in Richmond, Va. - will not hold hearings from June-August, so the earliest the appeals judges would hold a hearing likely is late September, with a decision on the appeal not coming for at least another month.

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JJeeffff GGoorrddoonn ttoo aa ppppee aa rr ii nn CCaarrss 22:: Jeff Gordon will make an appearance in the movie Cars 2, as Jeff Gorvette, an up-and-coming Chevrolet Corvette C6.R that’s “turning hoods wherever he competes.” More than just a cameo, Gordon’s character will compete as a “respected competitor - and legitimate threat - at the World Grand Prix.” Pixar makes no obvious connection to Gordon’s actual roots in NASCAR, but the character of Jeff Gorvette is a Chevrolet and will wear #24 like Gordon’s actual racecar, although obviously it isn’t an Impala.

Maayyff iiee lldd ffii llee ss aappppee aall :: M Jeremy Mayfield has reiterated claims that NASCAR Chairman Brian France disliked him and that NASCAR either fabricated the results of a May 2009 drug test or should have known the likelihood of inaccurate results, according to Mayfield’s appeal in his long-running federal lawsuit against NASCAR. Filed late Tuesday night with the U.S. Court of Appeals, Mayfield’s appeal challenges the May 2010 ruling in favor of NASCAR and asks that the case be re-opened, allowing more time for investigation by the parties and proceeding toward trial. NASCAR has until April 25 to respond to the appeal, and

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

GGrree gg BBii ffffll ee ii ss cclloossee oonn aa nneew w ddee aall wii tthh RRoouusshh FF eennw w w aa yy:: Greg Biffle said Tuesday he’s close to signing an extension with Roush Fenway Racing, and would be surprised if teammate Carl Edwards does not do the same.” We’re getting really close, I would say it will be done in the next couple of weeks,” Biffle said during an event with Roush teammates Matt Kenseth, David Ragan and NHRA driver John Force at Charlotte Motor Speedway’s zMAX Dragway. Biffle said he’s not had an overwhelming interest to test the free-agent market, in part because of the economy, but also because of how far Roush Fenway Racing has come from this time last year. The entire organization struggled through the first few

months of last season, then turned it on in the second half of the year. Biffle won two races and finished sixth in the final Sprint Cup standings, while Edwards won the final two races of last year and finished fourth in points. A rough start to this season had Biffle ranked 31st in the standings two weeks ago, but two strong finishes have moved him 11 spots to 20th. “The way the business is today, and teams are really having to cut back, and sponsors are cutting their programs back ... I really didn’t feel like it was a great market to go out and shop around,” Biffle said. “The fact of the matter is, we have pretty good equipment right now. I’ve been there 13 years, hopefully I’ve got a tiny bit of seniority.”

G r e e t i n g s most naturally, of course -- media E n i g m a members dig the famous creations Readers! and a few years ago, disdain over a change to the normal recipe caused Wow, what a the top levels of NASCAR to get race at involved. California. Or should I say, After the speedway was bought by “Wow, what a International Speedway Corp., the final 10 laps of concession arm of ISC decided to the race at change the the legendary hot dog by C a l i f o r n i a ” . having the customer put on the topIt's a good pings instead. Soon, NASCAR bigwigs Casey Orr thing that the were dipping their hand into the end was good because the beginning problem, switching back to the old, and the middle definitely left some- but good, recipe. thing to be desired. I've never liked What is the recipe you ask? Auto Club Speedway and now that Ingredients: we only go there once, I feel like I 1 lb Ground Beef got the NASCAR equivilent to a tet2 tablespoons Paprika nus shot: I know I need to do it, but 2 tablespoons Chili Powder thank goodness it's over. Salt to taste Back by popular demand, it's the It's a simple recipe, according to Martinsville Hotdog article: Bobby Smith, who said he worked Martinsville Speedway is known for with/for Taylor Rumley for 27 years. two things: 1. Great Racing 2. And Rumley's used about 20 pounds of ever better hot dogs. The meat a day, but Smith figured the Martinsville hot dog is definitely the recipe for a pound of beef: most famous in NASCAR and maybe the world as far as hot dogs go. So Cover the beef with water and work what makes this dog so special? Our the water into the meat as if you friends from fanhouse.com were going to make meatloaf; not share...The red color scares off too much water or the chili will be some, and the remnants of it may too thin. After the meat cooks in the find their way to a poor soul's shirt, water 45 minutes to an hour, add 2 but the "Famous Martinsville hot tablespoons of chili powder and 2 dog" is a true relic of the "good ol' tablespoons of paprika. Simmer for days" of NASCAR racing. at least 30 minutes, stirring often. Let it sit for a couple of hours so

NEEXXTT RRA N A CCEE ::

Whhee rr ee :: W Martinsville (Va.) Speedway. Whheenn:: 1 p.m. Sunday W PPrr ee --RR aacc ee RR aadd iioo :: 11:00 a.m Valvoline Racing Radio Powered by Jody Millard Pest Control on ROCK 105 (105.5) RRaa ddiioo:: ROCK 105 (105.5) LLaa sstt yyee aa rr’’ss w wii nnnnee rr:: Denny Hamlin.

The hot dog, a trademark at the half-mile paperclip track since whoknows-when, is one thing you don't mess with at a track known for heated tempers and bent sheet metal. The dog even has a Youtube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G jb5sto9H1M.

meat will absorb the flavor of the spices. Add salt to taste. If, after tasting, you prefer a more spicy flavor, add more of the two spices. Let's head to California!!! See You Next Week!

Driver to Watch: Denny Hamlin. He has won the last three races at The dogs start with boiled Jesse Martinsville, but he's off to a bad Jones hot dogs, wrapped into what start this year. Will he right the ship Myy PPii cckk:: Denny Hamlin M is more of a roll than a hot dog bun, in Virginia? and then topped with chili, mustard, That does it for me this week. I’m onions, and vinegar-based slaw. The Driver to Win: Jimmie Johnson. Shawn Whitfield & we’re keeping concoctions are then then wrapped Jimmie doesn't get beat on the last in some wax paper and left in a lap very often, like he did in you U UPP TTO O SSPPEEEE D D! steamer to keep in their warmth. California. He takes his revenge on the other 42 cars and finally gets to Fans, drivers, crew members and -- victory lane in 2011. ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

Hey, What’s your sign? ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20) Do what’s best for the people you love most. Pleasure trips should be on your agenda. You may find that purchases or entertainment could be expensive. If you can work at home, do so.

(May 22-June 21) Your diplomatic approach and rather outgoing nature will enhance your reputation and bring you the support you need. You are best to avoid confrontations. Your ideas are right on the mark and your work commendable. Find ways to mellow out.

Your lucky day this week will be Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. Monday. TAURUS (Apr. 21- May 21) You are best to look into investments that will grow in value over an extended period of time. A change of attitude has probably disrupted your home environment. Your emotions may be hard to control if your mate is forcing you to undergo drastic alterations in your relationship. Joint ventures might prove to be unfavorable.

CANCER (June 22-July 22) You should be doing something special with children. You may find yourself changing plans for some form of entertainment. Develop some of your good ideas. You have a real need to be vocal.

nology will make your job far easier than you anticipated. It will be all around you. Wait and get all the information before consulting your boss.

face if you try to break a promise you made. Take precautions while traveling; you don’t have to get anywhere that fast. Put your efforts into your work or money making ventures rather than your emotional Your lucky day this week will be life. Sunday. Your lucky day this week will be VIRGO Thursday. (Aug. 23 -Sept. 23) Channel your energy into passionate CAPRICORN interludes with your lover. Don’t (Dec 22.- Jan. 20) forget to read the fine print. Put Take the time to sort out your peryour energy into home renovations. sonal papers and double-check your Creative endeavors will give you financial investments. Take care of somewhat of an outlet. matters involving institutions or government agencies. Spend some Your lucky day this week will be time on yourself. If you can work at Sunday. home, do so.

LIBRA Your lucky day this week will be (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23) Monday. Get promises in writing or you will be disappointed. Your self confiLEO dence will attract members of the Your lucky day this week will be (July 23-Aug 22) opposite sex Take advantage of Monday. Check your personal papers and moneymaking ventures. Do things make sure everything is in order. for them but don’t allow them to GEMINI New methods and innovative tech- make unreasonable requests.

Your lucky day this week will be Monday.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) Make those phone calls and pay your bills. You should visit a friend or relative who hasn’t been well. Your ability to help others will win you points. Luck is with you.

Your lucky day this week will be Monday.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 -Feb. 19) A trip to visit relatives should be rewarding. You will have a problem with your boss if you haven’t done your job. Don’t let your mate talk you into going somewhere you’d Your lucky day this week will be rather not go. Listen, but don’t make Friday. any rash decisions.

Enigma is looking to add to our sales staff. Interested parties should email to info@enigmaonline.com. No phone calls please. EOE

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20) Take some time to change your house around. Focus on using your creative abilities in other ways. You Your lucky day this week will be can meet new friends who will let Friday. you know just how valuable you are. Don’t overspend on children or on SAGITTARIUS large purchases. (Nov. 23 -Dec. 21) Travel will be in your best interest. Your lucky day this week will be Difficulties with children will sur- Wednesday.

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

Ask Rocco

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Dear Rocco, With all the natural disasters in the world the last couple of years and the upheaval in the Middle East do you think the Mayans were right when they predicted the world would end Common Sense Advice From An Uncommon Man in 2012? Dear Rocco, aarree m moorree iim mppoorrtt aanntt tthh aann tt hheeyy JC Do you think you’ll get invited rreeaallllyy aarree .. to the Royal Wedding and if DDeeaarr JJ CC you do what advice do you Dear Rocco, CCoouulldd bb ee?? II ff iitt hhaapp ppee nnss tt hheerree iiss have for the bride and groom? I’m starting to lose my faith in nnoo tthh iinngg II ccaann dd oo aabboo uutt iitt ssoo II PC God. I have personally wit- ddoo nn’’ tt lleett iitt bboo tt hheerr m mee.. SS oom mee nessed of late too many bad ppee oopp llee tthh oo uugghh tt tt hh ee w w oorr lldd DDee aarr PPCC things happening to good peo- w woouu lldd eenndd tt eenn yyeeaarrss aaggoo.. II hh iigghh llyy dd oouubb tt II’’llll ggeett iinnvviitteedd ttoo ple and too many good things tthh ee RRooyyaall W Weedd ddiinngg aanndd iiff II ddoo II happening to bad people. My Dear Rocco, dd oonn’’tt tt hhiinnkk II w w oouu lldd ggoo.. TThh eerree faith is getting shaky. Am I I am a 15-year-old guy and was aarree tt oooo m maannyy oott hheerr pp llaaccee ss II missing out on something or just invited to my first prom. I woo uulldd lliikk ee ttoo vviissiitt aanndd iiff II ’’m w m oonn am I losing my mind? think my mom is making a bigvvaaccaattiioonn II dd oonn’’tt w w aanntt tt oo ssppee nndd JF ger deal out of it than I am. I’d iitt w wiitthh pp eeoopp llee w whh oo tthh iinnkk tthh eeyy

like a guy’s point of view on what to wear and what I can do to prepare to have a good time that night. GH

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

No Peek & S ho w do wns “If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good!” Dr. Seuss If you have read many of my articles or my books, you know that I’m somewhat of a poker purist. To be honest, sometime that’s dull. I want to play poker for fun and profit. I don’t like Jokers and wild cards. In The Poker Book I define Jokers as “an extra and useless card in the deck that can be used for any cards to complete a hand. (Author’s note: This is an abomination to the game of poker and should never be used.)” But, that’s just how I feel. Well, there is a place for just having fun and not worrying about the competition. Sometimes you just want to have fun and laugh. This is the place for no-Peek and Showdowns.

good game with about 30 players. First place was about 10 times the entry fee, so that wasn’t bad. It was well run and a good time was had by all.

Everyone thought that was a great idea. One of the players then suggested that each player also add some to the pot. Now the pot went to 15 times the bet. We liked that.

winning hand is declared and winner takes all. We ended up playing for another hour and having a great time. Both of these games take no skill and are just plain luck. At the end of a long night of competition and hard played poker, a little just plain luck is the right way to end the night.

A Showdown hand is very simple. It is played exactly like a regular Hold’em hand except that all cards are dealt face up and in most cases there is now additional betting, winner takes all. That one Showdown Poker is competitive. Poker can be hand got us rejuvenated. Now, we stressful. Poker can be profitable and can be costly. But, remember As the night ran long, players fell off wanted to play more. when you first started to play, poker and we reduced down to one table. As it got later, some players left One of the players suggested a No- was fun. Don’t let that part of the because they had to work the next peek game. This is played similar to game get lost. We should all have a morning and a few busted out. We Stud. The players are all dealt all of good time at the table. So, go have finally got down to five players. A their cards face down and they can- some fun and play some silly games couple of the players were about to not look at them. Again in most once and a while. call it a night when the floor came cases there is no additional betting. Good Game & Good Luck over with The dealer turns over one card. The an idea. first to act turns over cards one at a If you have any comments or quesHe said that everyone had a good time until his cards out rank the tions, contact me at: I was at a game a few days ago and night and just for fun he wanted to dealer’s card. Then the next player hankcashman@comcast.net. had a great time. We first played a have a Showdown hand and the turns over cards, one at a time, until freeze-out tournament. It was a House would fund in the pot. his cards out rank the pervious play- - Hank Cashman er’s cards. This continues until a Then, most of the players stayed for the ring game. There were two full tables for a low blind Hold’em game. There was plenty of food and drink. The players were all having a great time.

CASHMAN ON POKER ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

SPRING FOOTBALL PART 1 Spring football practice is under- the sidelines way all over the SEC. something?.....Jeesh!” The defending national champion Awbun Tigers (Unless you are one of the many Bama fans who are still digging around in Cecil Newton’s financial statements for signs of a big deposit, and therefore believe it is only a matter of time for Awbun.) start the spring with very few of the players who played Oregon for the crystal football. In addition to Cam Newton and Nick Fairley, who represented most of the Tigers’ offense and defense, Gene Chizik has to rebuild his offensive line, find a new quarterback and rebuild his whole defense….which gets smaller by the arrest. Suffice to say no matter how all this goes, Awbun will be a shadow of its Cam-self come September. Probably the most interesting thing about the offense will be to see if Gus Malzahn can find a quarterback to run things….chances are whoever gets the job won’t be in the Cam Newton category. Bama fans, when they are not entertaining themselves watching Court TV for the other shoe to drop on Awbun must be pleased the defensive players are talking about knocking down the opposing quarterback more often. It is noted that Michigan State’s Kirk Cousins, interviewed while still in the whirlpool following the Spartans’ bowl date with Bama, said “Huh?...they want to hit the quarterback more often…what, they gonna hit me when I am on

or line, and typically for the Vols of late, Smith’s departure turned into something of a soap opera, albeit Bama does have to replace quar- a bit overshadowed by the continterback Greg McElroy, but Bama’s uing saga of the men’s basketball offense requires a game manager program going into meltdown with rather than a game changer, and the firing of Bruce Pearl. with Nick Saban’s recruiting success this will probably be more of For a while, at least, there is a case a little re-tooling. something for the writers around the state to talk about other than LSU is adding Georgia transfer via Lane Kiffin, at least until the NCAA junior college Zach Mettenberger decides what it is going to do to the mix at quarterback which about some of the rather egreposition has not been a bright gious things Kiffin’s staff did in light for the Tigers for the last Knoxville. couple of years. Derek Dooley’s boss, athletic Mettenberger is a big body, big director Mike Hamilton is catching arm pro-style quarterback who the brunt of the Vol Nation’s dishad worked himself into the start- pleasure since he hired Kiffin and, ing rotation at Georgia despite the with the advise and consent of his presence of ultimate starter Aaron boss, fired the popular Pearl. Murray, before making an unfortunate decision during spring It is always hard to tell how turbreak that involved alcohol and a moil in the athletic department girl. plays out of Saturdays in the fall. An awful lot of folks, including a Les Miles replaced his offensive couple of local members of the coordinator over the winter, and Vols’ heavy hitter booster club, one of the reasons for this was think the real problem at UT is quarterback play…which was Hamilton and that he should go. I spotty to say the least. My LSU-fan buddies say Jordan Jefferson will probably start the season for the Tigers, but that word out of Baton Rouge is that Mettenberger could very well finish the season there.

Despite all denials to the contrary, all this has to have some impact on Dooley’s efforts to rebuild the football Vols, you may have to look very close to see this on Saturday next fall, but any turmoil has a trickle-down effect. Dooley will still be dealing with a talent and numbers deficit this September, but there is no question the Vols did a decent job of hanging together at the end of the season, which should bode at least better for next year. I’ll get to Florida and some other SEC teams next time.

- Scorpio Jones III

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During the winter, Dooley parted ways with former Vol Chuck Smith, who was coaching the defensive ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

agree with these folks, but timing of Hamilton’s exit is clouded by the situation with the NCAA. Do you fire Hamilton and leave his replacement to deal with the fallout? Or do you let Hamilton bear the brunt of whatever the brain trust at the NCAA has in store for the Vols, then give him the boot for overseeing the debacle?

NEVER LIKED THE BEATLES NEVER LOVED ELVIS JIM SELLS Saturday, April 2, do NOT miss Biffy Clyro opening for Cage The Elephant at Rhythm and Brews. I have not formed an opinion about Cage The Elephant, but Biffy Clyro kicks much ass. They won NME’s 2011 Best Live Act award and deserved every bit of it. They will rock your world. Halifax’s (that’s Nova Scotia, y’all) Sloan has been around 20 years now – hard to believe when I remember it like it was just yesterday, hearing “Underwhelmed” and being blown away. Rumor has it that Sloan sold 60,000 copies of their debut album out of their van, which is damned impressive in a country where a gold record is one that sells 40,000 copies. “Underwhelmed” displayed a rapier wit hidden in layer upon layer of fantastic power pop/rock sound. The wit is still present, as witnessed in the title of their newest release, “Double Cross” – XX, 20 in Roman numerals. Get it?

Even more importantly, “Double Cross” shows a band twenty years on that does not suffer from sonic malaise nor do they doubt the music they make. There is no hotshot producer du jour present here, no hiredgun songwriters to polish up the product. “Double Cross” sounds like Sloan and that is wonderful. The opener, “Follow the Leader”, has the usual Beatle influences and rocks out before seamlessly blending into “The Answer Was You”, a picture perfect pop love song. This, I think, is what throws the American market for a loop (besides the US’s overwhelming hunger for shite music) – Sloan is a great band, technically proficient, and know how to use a studio to their ultimate advantage … AND they absolutely refuse to hide it in some low-fi, mumblegaze disguise. They are the smart kid in class that all the pinks hate for no reason. Oh yeah, “The Answer Was You”

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blends right into “Unkind”, which unapologetically lifts a Foghat riff and puts it to better use. That kind of genius pisses the American music-buying public and makes my freaking day. There was a time when, much like bands such as Oasis, the Black Crowes, and Black Flag, Sloan was on my new release watch list. I started waiting for the next album expectantly the second I had become saturated with their current one. Somehow, along the way, Sloan fell off that list, probably due to my addled nature. In a perfectly fitting bit of synchronicity, “Double Cross” places Sloan back on that pedestal, much as Oasis and the Black Crowes fought their way back in from the wilderness. There is little as satisfying as a band that floored you as few others ever had when you first heard them remembering that they are a great band. “Oh yeah, we DO make kickass music, don’t we?” You can almost see the lights going on over their heads …

There are no noticeable gaps between the songs on “Double Cross”, so perhaps it is best to recommend it as a whole. To recommend listening to something as an album, a fully realized work with a beginning and middle and an end, is almost heretical these days. So get the pyre lit because this is an album, a damned fine one, and deserves to be listened to as such. To do anything less is to perform a disservice to you, much less the music on “Double Cross”. Get it now. Sloan shows they have forgotten and remembered more about making great albums than most artists have ever even dreamt of. Score one for the smart kids. Hang tough, JJ. Love you, Red and Dan. Y’all are the best. Later taters.

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KAHUNAMAN

SEZ This is Dramatic Kahunaman week so hang with me. 2008 was a national historic election. Many believed the next President would need to be a modern day Moses if we were to survive.

clothes.” Author Richard Washburn Child describing T.R. after a visit to the White House

The personality of our leader has proven to be not enough. America needs to show “character” as a nation, that’s what changed the certs. His words all rehearsed and world during Roosevelt’s time. made to shine in a time where our country was looking for light just “His crowds had been growing for a like bugs on a country porch in the full seven days before the debates, but now, overnight, they seethed heat of a summer night. with enthusiasm and multiplied in Better to be drawn to the “Obama numbers, as if the sight of him, in Bulb” than the “Burning Bush” I their homes on the video box, had given him a star quality reserved guess? for television and movie idols.” Theodore H. White on John F. Kennedy,The Fast forward to today. Making of the President

In 2008 this country was on the verge of financial collapse greater than anything most of us had ever seen. Our military was fighting two The financial panic has settled a bit wars, three if you count the ongo- but the picket fence we have been ing battle against Radical Islam. straddling between recovery and a double dip disaster has been nothOur people were divided on at least ing short of a pain in the ass. There as many fronts. Racial debates, is no real relief in sight and many hatred between our political par- believe it may soon be time for ties and many concerns about many shotguns and canned food. parts of the world. Global warming sparked fears that Mother Earth We are now in four wars, Japan is was revolting against the human the latest country to feel earth’s race’s treatment of our once green revolt against mankind and China is home. being heralded as the next great example of man’s ability to excel. China was threatening our world standing as the International Heavy As for the savior that brought Oprah Weight Champion, millions of to tears, well it has become very Americans were without healthcare clear that he is no Moses. while educational standards continued to slip down to levels indicat- I have never been a fan of the man ing our demise. from Chicago, Hawaii or is it Indonesia? However I am pretty American’s were looking for a sav- sure NO MAN in four years could ior. lead us out of the mess we have been making for the last few In such times the flashiest, most out decades. spoken leaders often find the spotlight and 2008 was no different. “You go into Roosevelt’s presence, America wished upon a “Star” and you feel his eyes upon you, you lisObama was born, politically speak- ten to him, and you go home and ing. His rallies were like rock con- wring the personality out of your

Kennedy’s charisma did not put a man on the moon, America’s determination did.

“We arrived at the place after a long journey and at the front was a sign that read BATHHOUSE. Outside people receive soap and a towel. Who knows what they will do with us?” Without screaming or weeping these people undressed, stood in family groups, kissed each other, said farewells. An old woman, naked with snow white hair was holding a one year-old child in her arms and singing to it. The child was cooing with delight.” From the journal of an inmate at a German concentration camp

I didn’t think I would see any company using this angle today. The closest thing would be “Smiling Bob” running the colors up his flag pole, of course it would have to folded up and put away after four hours or he would need to seek the attention of a trained medical practitioner. Then Eminem, Chrysler and Detroit showed Super Bowl audiences a little community pride and in that moment it was clear to me. Focus on Chattanooga, focus on our part of the world and allow our actions to filter out as they may. Maybe Libya will never know that Coolidge Park is safer or that our police rounded up a bunch of turds over the weekend but we will know. Maybe oil prices will continue to soar but if I drive slower and turn my heat down my bank account will feel a bit better. If the USA continues to loose ground in education I can’t do a lot about it but I can demand that my kids make the most of their educational opportunities and that their teachers are held responsible by ME if they fail at their jobs. We can all reach out to less fortunate kids and offer them our support as well. The police will appreciate it because it could mean one less turd to round up later. It could lead to the Moses everyone is looking for. It will for sure make Chattanooga more worthy of an Eminem commercial.

Nothing compares to the horror of the above but we have been on a long journey towards disaster ourselves and too many of us have Recovery for our nation starts right accepted our fate. here, in our community. Let’s all do “This is an American child. This is our part and hope others will do an American home. Lucky young the same. American. No child in the world has Kahunaman AKA Dewayne Gass so bright a future.” 1947 toothpaste commercial

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

WEIRD NEWS arrived for his 10:30 a.m. Monday pretrial hearing in Judge Frank LaBuda’s courtroom in Monticello Apprrii ll H A Hooll iiddaayyss holding an open can of Busch beer and carrying a bag containing four April 1 is One Cent Day more cans, the Times Herald-Record of Middletown reported Wednesday. April 2 is National Peanut Butter and “It was obvious he was intoxicated,” Jelly Day LaBuda said of Gruber, who is facing a felony driving-while-intoxicated April 3 is Tweed Day & Don’t Go To charge. Gruber, who has previous Work Unless It’s Fun Day DWI convictions and was out on $30,000 bail at the time of his April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day Monday court appearance, was ordered held without bail. April 5 is Go For Broke Day SALT LAKE CITY - Salt Lake City April 6 is Sorry Charlie Day police said a teenager made up a story about a shooting to avoid getApril 7 is No Housework Day ting in trouble with his parents for ripping his new pants. Police Sgt. April 8 is All Is Ours Day Mikal Wersland said the 14-year-old boy reported being grazed by a bulApril 9 is Winston Churchill Day and let just prior to 6 p.m. However, Name Yourself Day Wersland said numerous witnesses said they did not hear any gunfire in April 10 is Golfers Day the area and the boy eventually admitted concocting the story. “A 14MONTICELLO, N.Y. - A New York year-old kid tore his new pants. He state judge ordered a drunken driv- fell down and tore the knee,” ing suspect who showed up to court Wersland said. “He didn’t want to intoxicated with a bag full of beer to get in trouble. He was claiming he be held without bail. Authorities was grazed, but it’s a scrape where said Keith Gruber, 49, of Swan Lake, he fell down.” Wersland did not say

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whether any charges were being sought against the boy. NEW YORK - A federal judge has allowed a lawsuit to go ahead against Campbell Soup Co, the world’s largest soup-maker, over whether its purported “low-sodium” tomato soup really has less sodium. Four New Jersey women had sued the company last year, contending they were misled into paying more for the “low sodium” brand. They say it had almost as much sodium as Campbell’s regular tomato soup. U.S. District Judge Jerome Simandle on Wednesday denied a motion to dismiss the case, saying the women could press claims under New Jersey’s consumer fraud act because reasonable consumers could have found Campbell’s labels misleading. The lawsuit, which is seeking classaction status, said Campbell’s “less sodium” claim was a comparison to a collection of the company’s regular soups, not the tomato soup, but that was not clearly labeled. LONDON – Filth, fecal matter and grime in all its forms are the subject of a new exhibition in London. “Dirt: the Filthy Reality of Everyday Life” features around 200 exhibits ranging from vials of urine to air samples and a floor pattern made from dust found in homes, all of which are used to examine humanity’s ambivalent relationship with dirt through the ages. “Dirt is everywhere and periodically we get very worried about it. But we have also discovered that we need bits of it and, guiltily, secretly, we are sometimes drawn to it,” said Ken Arnold, Director of Public Program at the Wellcome Collection, where the exhibition is being held. The exhibition takes anthropologist Mary Douglas’ view that dirt is “matter out of place” as a cue to investigate

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

human attitudes toward cleanliness. Exhibits include a blue and white Delft Dutch chamber pot decorated with delicate depictions of country life, a sewer worker’s iron pick which dates back to 1890 and five large grey blocks sculpted from human feces collected by Dalits — scavengers who remove waste from India’s sewers by hand. WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. – A team from the University of WisconsinStout that created a contraption capable of watering a plant in 135 easy steps has for the second straight year won Purdue University’s annual Rube Goldberg contest. The plant-watering machine devised by the team from Menomonie, Wis., told the story of a deserted Louisiana estate where ghosts come to life with the full moon. Captain Andrew Behnke of

Loyal, Wis., said the team composed mostly of education and business majors developed a storyline that drove the steps for the handcrafted machine. The competition is named for the late cartoonist Rube Goldberg, known for his drawings of whimsical, complicated devices performing simple tasks. Goldberg’s granddaughter, Jennifer George, attended Saturday’s competition and called it thrilling. She said, “I know my grandfather is here in spirit DENVER - Ah, summer days at the public swimming pool: No running, swim at your own risk and of course, no diving. Darren Taylor clearly doesn’t remember that rule: The Denver resident recently broke the “certified shallow diving record,” aka, the “hurling oneself from a very great height into a pool with very little water” record. Professor Splash, as Taylor likes to call himself, set a new world record by jumping 36.3 feet into a rubber wading pool less than 12 inches deep. (Yes, that’s INCHES, not FEET.) Oh, he’s also available for parties and events, so book now — kiddie pool included. ZURICH – Open-minded collectors seeking an unusual conversation piece may want to snap up one of a rare assortment of erotic watches coming under the hammer in Switzerland this weekend. An important private collection of 33 watches from the 18th and 19th centuries featuring racy tableaux will be offered for sale Sunday at Antiquorum, a Geneva-based auction house specialising in fine timepieces. Among the sale’s highlights is an uncommon early 19th Century 18-carat watch by Genevan craftsman Henry Capt expected to fetch $70,000 (43,516 pounds) to $90,000 and featuring two automata — one on the front of the watch depicting an idyll of doves and musicians and another hidden one showing a couple in an amorous embrace. Buyers with about $20,000 to $30,000 to spare meanwhile could be tempted by a very rare heart-shaped gilt metal watch by London watchmaker James Cox around 1780. It has two concealed paintings on enamel that include a lady secretly spying two partially clothed lovers caught in an adventurous position. The watches, mainly crafted in Switzerland, are part of a wider collection of more than 700 erotic artefacts painstakingly assembled over 25 years, including walking sticks, statues and ivory objects designed for autoerotic stimulation, Antiquorum Director Etienne Lemenager told Reuters. BEIJING – A Chinese man who bought 6.5 tonnes of salt, hoping to profit from panic buying spurred by fears of radiation from Japan, is now stuck with the $4,000 (2,480 pounds) worth of the condiment, state media reported on Friday. The man, surnamed Guo, bought the salt in Wuhan, the capital of Hubei province, when rumours spread across China last week that the iodine in salt could help ward off radiation sickness, the China Daily reported on Friday. Salt prices jumped on the rumors, and, acting on a tip that there would be a supply shortage lasting at least six months, Guo bough 260 bags of salt, which he took back to his apartment in three trucks. A few days later, the Chinese government urged consumers to stop the panic buying, saying residents will not be exposed to radiation from Japan’s quake-damaged nuclear plant, causing a sharp drop in the price of salt. Guo is now stuck with the salt, which the newspaper said takes up more than half his apartment and had cost him 27,000 yuan (2,550 pounds) to buy and transport. The newspaper said Guo can’t resell the goods, because he has no receipt and also because he was told it was illegal to do so. He also can’t take it to another province, as the government strictly controls salt transport. ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

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Thursday - Saturday Nights Patten Parkway in front of Midtown and RAW WEDNESDAY & SUNDAY NOW AT ELECTRIC COWBOY This week’s calendar covers events from Thursday, March 31, through Wednesday, April 6. We would be happy to publish your free listing in future Billboards, space permitting. Simply mail us the information so that we have it 7 days before the publication date. A photograph may be sent with the announcement. Send information to: Calendar Editor, Enigma, P.O. Box 825, Chattanooga, TN 37401 or e-mail to calendar@enigmaonline.com. All dates subject to change without notice.

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TT H HU URRSSD DA AYY M M aarrcchh 3311 TT H HEE CCO OM MEED DYY CCA A TTCCH H Michael Mack RR H HYYTT H HM M && BB RREEW W SS McKay’s Road to Nightfall – Dave Dykes & Grateful Hearts, Uncle Lightnin’, Slim Pickins, Michelle Young and Pontiac Blue, Strung Like A Horse, Moon Slew RR A AW W DJ Spicolli SSIIN NG G IITT O O RR W W IIN NG G IITT Karaoke VV A AU UD DEEVV IILLLLEE CCA A FFEE “Mystery at the TV Talk Show” CC H HA APP SS BBA A RR && G GRR IILLLL Clay Danger Karaoke MIISSSS D M DEEBB BBIIEE’’ SS N NIIG GH H TTLLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Karaoke w/ Captain Karaoke BB A ARR TT’’ SS LLA AK K EESSH HO ORR EE DJ E MCCH M HA ALLEE’’ SS Karaoke MA M A RRK K EETT SSTTRR EEEETT TTA A VV EERRN N Blues Jam with Rick Rushing. PP LLA AYY O OFFFFSS SSPPO ORR TTSS BB A ARR Karaoke SSPP EECCTT A ATT EERRSS Blake Morrison AM A MIIG GO O (Hixson) Karaoke w/ Poe Boy Entertainment CC A AM MPP H HO OU USSEE Open Mic SSO OU UTT H HEERRN N BB RREE W W && CCU UEE Karaoke

SSN NO OO OK KEERR ’’SS (Soddy Daisy) Jerry Fordham DAAN D NG GEERR ZZO ON NEE (South Pittsburg) Clay Danger Karaoke LLA A SS M MAARR G GAA RRIITT AA’’ SS (Cleveland) Collins Brothers Band WEEEEK W K EEN ND D’’ SS SSPP O ORR TTSS BB AARR && G G RRIILLLL (Cleveland) Karaoke & DJs Lisa & Donna 880077 FFIIRR EE && IICC EE Kamakazi Karaoke w/ Scuba Steve, Opposite Box TTH HEE PP AALLM MSS Hung Jury JJ..JJ.. ’’ SS BB O OH HEEM MIIAA Exene Cervenka, Kevin Seconds ZZA APP AATT AA’’ SS (Norcross, GA) Jerry Fordham TTU USSCCAA LLO OO OSSAA AA M MPP H HIITTH HEEAA TTRR EE (Tuscaloosa) Kenny Chesney, Uncle Kracker ZZYYD DEECCO O (Birmingham) The Damnwells BBO OTTTT LLEETTRR EEEE (Birmingham) Sebadoh, Richard Buckner CCO OTTTT O ON N EEYYEED D JJ O OEE’’SS (Knoxville) Bush Hawg RRYYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Lynn Anderson TTH HEE LLIISSTTEEN NIIN NG G RR O OO OM M (Nashville) Bo Bice, Greg Crowe, AJ Masters, Corey Barlowe, Rob Hatch, Victoria Shaw, Daryl Biggers

FFRRII D DA AYY A Apprriill 11 TTH HEE CCO OM MEE D DYY CCAA TTCC H H Michael Mack RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW WSS Appetite for Destruction RRA AW W DJ Spicolli SSIIN NG G IITT O ORR W W IIN NG G IITT Karaoke SSO OU UTT H HEERR N N BBRR EEW W && CCU UEE Chad Yates BBA A RRTT ’’SS LLAAK K EESSH HO ORR EE DJ E VVA AU UD DEEVVIILLLLEE CCAA FFEE “Mystery at the Red Neck -

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SSA ATT U URRD DA AYY A Apprriill 22 TTH HEE CC O OM MEED DYY CC AATT CCH H Michael Mack RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Cage the Elephant, Billy Clyro, Sleeper Agent RRA AW W DJ Spicolli SSIIN NG G IITT O ORR W WIIN NG G IITT Karaoke TTO OPP O OFF TTH HEE D DO OCCK K DJ “O” SSO OU UTTH HEERR N N BBRR EEW W && CC U UEE Tijuana Donkey Show Band TT--BB O ON NEE’’SS Roger Alan Wade MIISSSS D M DEE BBBB IIEE ’’SS N NIIG GH HTTLLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Karaoke w/ Captain Karaoke BBA A RRTT ’’SS LLAA K KEE SSH HO ORREE DJ E FFA AN NAA TTIICC SS Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment VVA AU UD DEEVVIILLLLEE CCAA FFEE “Mystery at the Redneck Italian Wedding” LLEEG GEEN ND DSS BBAA RR && G GRR IILLLL Clay Danger Karaoke TTH HEE PP AA LLM MSS Jimmy Harris PPLLA A YYO OFFFFSS SSPP O ORRTT SS BBA A RR Karaoke FFIIRREESSIID DEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Clay Danger Karaoke 8800 77 FFIIRR EE && IICCEE DJ Scuba Steve BBA A CCK K SSTTAA G GEE (Holiday Bowl) DJ 33, Karaoke VVFFW W (Post 4848) Taylor & Company EELL RRA AN NCCH HEERR O O (East Ridge) Jerry Fordham DAAN D NG G EERRZZO ON NEE (South Pittsburg) Clay Danger

MARCH 31

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION 16

Karaoke W EEEEK W K EEN ND D’’SS SSPP O ORRTT SS BBAA RR && G GRR IILLLL (Cleveland) Karaoke & DJs Lisa & Donna SSU UG GAARR ’’SS The Micks GO G OO OD DD DO OG G Tyler Reddick MAA RRK M K EETT SSTT RREEEETT TTAA VVEERR N N Old Faithful Moon JJEEN NN NIIEE A AN ND DEERR SSO ON N TTH HEEAA TTRR EE (Marietta) Brenda Lee TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA ACC LLEE (Atlanta) All Time Low, Yellowcard, Hey Monday, The Summers Set BB O OIISSFFEE U UIILLLLEETT JJO ON NEESS CCIIVV IICC CCEEN NTT EERR (Atlanta) SaltN-Pepa, Kurtis Blow, Rob Base, Chubb Rock, Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee VVEE RRIIZZO ON NW W IIRREE LLEESSSS AA M MPPH H IITTH HEEAA TTRR EE AA TT EEN NCCO O RREE PP A ARR K K (Atlanta) Band of Horses, The Jayhawks KN K NO OXX VVIILLLLEE BBO OTT A AN NIICC AALL G GAA RR D DEEN N (Knoxville) Scott Miller TTU USSCC A ALLO OO OSSA AA AM MPP H HIITTH H EEAATT RREE (Tuscaloosa) Patti LaBelle, The O’Jays HAA RRD H D RR O OCCK K CCA A FFÉÉ (Nashville) Trent Dabbs, Katie Herzig, Matthew Perryman Jones, Sandra McCrackin, Andrew Pipp, Amy Stroup

SSU UN ND DA AYY A Apprriill 33 TTH HEE CCO OM MEED DYY CC A ATT CCH H Michael Mack NO N ORR TTH HSSH HO ORR EE G GRR IILLLL Arlo Gilliam SSIIN NG G IITT O ORR W WIIN NG G IITT Karaoke MIISSSS D M DEEBBBB IIEE’’SS N NIIG GH HTT LLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Open Jam VVA AU UD DEEVV IILLLLEE CC A AFFEE “Mystery at the Nightmare High School Reunion” TTH HEE PPA A LLM MSS DJ BB A ARR TT’’ SS LLA AK K EESSH HO ORREE DJ “O” MCCH M HAA LLEE’’SS DJ Night DO D OU UBB LLEE H HIILLLL BB IILLLLIIAA RR D DSS Open Mic SSO OU UTTH HEE RRN N BB RREEW W && CCU UEE Karaoke BB EEEEFF O O’’BB RRA AD DYY’’ SS Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment SSN NO OO OK K EERR’’ SS (Soddy Daisy) Jerry Fordham AN A NG GEELLO O’’SS (Cleveland) Dos DAA N D NG GEERRZZO ON NEE (South Pittsburg) Clay Danger Karaoke BB RRIID DG GEESSTT O ON NEE A ARR EEN NAA (Nashville) Rush FFO OXX TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Furthur VVA A RR IIEETTYY PP LLA A YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Lee Rittenour TTH HEE M MA A SSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) Dashboard Confessional EED DD DIIEE’’ SS A A TTTT IICC (Atlanta) The Chapin Sisters TTH HEE VVA A LLA A RR IIU UM M (Knoxville) moe.

MO M ON ND DA AYY A Apprriill 44 SSIIN NG G IITT O ORR W WIIN NG G IITT Karaoke MIISSSS D M DEEBBBB IIEE’’SS N NIIG GH HTT LLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Karaoke w/ Captain Karaoke TTRR EEM MO ON NTT TT A A VVEERR N N Trivia Night MAA RRK M K EETT SSTT RREEEETT TTAA VVEERR N N Old Tyme Players TTH HEE O OFFFFIICCEE SpeakEasy BB A ARR TT’’ SS LLA AK K EESSH HO ORREE Karaoke w/ Choo Choo

PRIL 2

Entertainment FFA AN NA A TTIICCSS Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment TT H HEE PPA A LLM MSS Monday Night Big Band SSU UG GA A RR’’ SS Karaoke AN A NG GEELLO O’’SS (Cleveland) Jerry Fordham DA D A LLTTO ON NA A RREE N NA A (Dalton) Celtic Crossroads WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY SSO OU UN ND DSSTTA AG GEE (Birmingham) Guster WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) The Books D && LLIIN 33 RRD ND DSSLLEEYY (Nashville) The Chapin Sisters CC EEN NTTEERR SSTTA AG GEE (Atlanta) Duran Duran

TTU U EESSD DA AYY A Apprriill 55 RR H HYYTT H HM M && BB RREEW W SS Crossfade, Mighty Sideshow TT H HEE BBIIG G CC H HIILLLL Karaoke w/ Chris of Alternative Images SSIIN NG G IITT O O RR W W IIN NG G IITT Karaoke LLEEG GEEN ND DSS BB A A RR && G GRRIILLLL Clay Danger Karaoke MIISSSS D M DEEBB BBIIEE’’ SS N NIIG GH H TTLLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Karaoke w/ Captain Karaoke TT RREEM MO ON NTT TTA A VVEERR N N Open Mic w/ Mike McDade MCCH M HA ALLEE’’ SS Team Trivia BB U UFFFFA ALLO OW W IILLD DW WIIN NG GSS (Hixson) Jerry Fordham PP LLA AYY O OFFFFSS SSPPO ORR TTSS BB A ARR Open Jam BB A ARR TT’’ SS LLA AK K EESSH HO ORR EE Tim Lewis & Reece 88 0077 FFIIRREE & & IICCEE Kamakazi Karaoke w/ Scuba Steve SSU UG GA A RR’’ SS Karaoke DA D AN NG GEERR ZZO ON NEE (South Pittsburg) Clay Danger Karaoke TT H HEE EELLK K SS LLO OD DG GEE (Cleveland) Joe Collins A CCO A OU USSTT IICC CCA A FFÉÉ (Ringgold) Jerry Fordham WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Bobby Long CC EEN NTTEERR SSTTA AG GEE (Atlanta) Chris Cornell TT H HEE VVA A LLA ARR IIU UM M (Knoxville) Cage the Elephant, Billy Clyro, Sleeper Agent PP IILLO OTT LLIIG GH HTT (Knoxville) The Chapin Sisters MEERR CCYY LLO M OU UN NG G EE (Nashville) Family Band, Warpaint

WEE D W DN NEESSD DA AYY A Apprriill 66 RR H HYYTT H HM M && BB RREEW W SS Leticia Wolf SSO OU UTT H HEERRN N BB RREE W W && CCU UEE Chad Yates RR A AW W Open Mic w/ Mike McDade SSIIN NG G IITT O O RR W W IIN NG G IITT Karaoke MIISSSS D M DEEBB BBIIEE’’ SS N NIIG GH H TTLLIIFFEE LLO OU UN NG GEE Karaoke w/ Captain Karaoke FFA AN NA A TTIICCSS Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment DO D OU UBB LLEE H HIILLLL BBIILLLLIIA ARR D DSS Karaoke LLA A SS M MA ARR G GA A RRIITTA A ’’SS Priscilla & Little Rickee MCCH M HA ALLEE’’ SS Jonathan Wimpee BB A ARR TT’’ SS LLA AK K EESSH HO ORR EE Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment TT H HEE PPA A LLM MSS Fried Chicken Trio PP LLA AYY O OFFFFSS SSPPO ORR TTSS BB A ARR Karaoke W EEEEK W K EEN ND D’’SS SSPP O ORR TTSS BBA A RR && G GRR IILLLL (Cleveland) Open Mic w/ Mimi SSPP EECCTT A ATT EERRSS Jerry Fordham

APRIL 6

MA M A RR K KEE TT SSTTRR EEEETT TT AAVV EERR N N Ben Friberg FFO OXX && H HO OU UN ND D Karaoke w/ Choo Choo Entertainment SSN NO OO OK KEERR SS (Soddy-Daisy) Jerry Fordham BBU UFFFFAA LLO OW WIILLD DW W IIN NG GSS (Hixson) Karaoke w/ Poe Boy Entertainment TTH HEE EEN ND D (Nashville) Kurt Vile

U PPCCO U OM MIIN NG G EEVVEEN NTT SS TTH HEE PP AALLM MSS Convertibull April 7 TTH HEE LLO OFFTT (Atlanta) Civil Twilight, Mother/Father April 7 TTH HEE EEAA RRLL (Atlanta) J. Mascus, Kurt Vile April 7 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) The Felice Brothers, Diamond Doves April 7 ALLAA BBAA M A MAA TT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Birmingham) Tedeschi Trucks Band, Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue April 7 TTH HEE VVAA LLAA RRIIU UM M (Knoxville) Drive By Truckers, Dylan LeBlanc April 7 SSU UG GAA RR ’’SS Soul Survivor April 8/9 TTH HEE TTAA BB EERRN NAA CCLLEE (Atlanta) Scissor Sisters April 8 RRYYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Amos Lee, The Secret Sisters April 8 KN K NO OXX VVIILLLLEE M MU USSEEU UM MO OFF AA RRTT (Knoxville) Christabel & the Jons April 8 HAARR RRAA H H H’’ SS CCH HEERR O OK K EEEE CCAA SSIIN NO O (Cherokee) Huey Lewis & the News April 8 WO W ORR K K PPLLAA YY TTH HEE AATT RREE (Birmingham) Perpetual Groove April 8 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE AA RREE N NAA (Nashville) Steve Harvey April 9 VVA A RRIIEETT YY PP LLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Amos Lee, The Secret Sisters April 9 PPH HIILLIIPP SS AA RR EEN NAA (Atlanta) Lil’ Wayne, Micki Minaj, Rick Ross, Travis Barker. Mix Master Mike April 9 ZZYYD DEECCO O (Birmingham) Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit April 9 JJ..JJ.. ’’ SS BB O OH HEEM MIIAA Prussia, Cold Bite April 10 SSPP EECCTT A ATT EERRSS Chokeslam April 10 WO W ORR K K PPLLAA YY TTH HEE AATT RREE (Birmingham) Ari Hest April 10 TTH HEE RR U UTTLLEED DG GEE (Nashville) Ego Likeness, The Ludovice, Technique, Twitch the Ripper April 10 ZZYYD DEECCO O (Birmingham) Beats Antique April 11 RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW WSS Drive By Truckers, Dylan LeBlanc April 12 H && PP O 1122TTH ORR TTEERR (Nashville) Ari Hest April 12

LD OUT OLD

APRIL 9 APRIL 12

MIGHTY SIDESHOW

APRIL 7-10

JOSH PHILLIPS

JOSH HAS Q UICKLY UICKLY BECOME ONE OF CHATT ANOOGA'S NEW FA CHATTANOOGA'S FAV ORITE COME DIANS. DIANS. OUT OF OAK OAK RIDGE, TN HE HAS BEEN VISITING THE THE COMEDY COMEDY CAT CATCH SVERAL TIMES A YEAR TO TO AUDIENCES AUDIENCES WHO LOVE HIM. HIS "CUCHEY FR UIT" BIT HAS BECOME A STAPLE STAPLE IN TENNESSEE.

APRIL 14-17

JANET WILLIAMS

THE TENNESSEE TRAMP IS A LOCAL LOCAL FAV ORITE HERE IN CHATT ANOOGA. JANET CHATTANOOGA. JANET DOESDOESN'T HOLD ANYTHING BA BA CK ABOUT HER VIEWS ON MARRIAGE, MARRIAGE, DIVOR DIVOR CE, MEN , AND WOMEN WOMEN . SHE TAKES HER COMEDY COMEDY TO TO THE EDGE AND OVER OVER THE TOP TOP.. SHE'S NOT NOT JUST THE TENNESSEE TRAMP, TRAMP, JANET JANET HAS PLAYED PLAYED R OOMS ALL OVER OVER THE WORLD WORLD,, B UT SHE WILL ALW ALW AY S BE OUR HOMETO HOMETO WN FA FAV ORITE. YOU YOU DON'T WANT WANT TO TO MISS HER SHE'S BEEN WA WATCHING THE NEWS, NEWS, AND TRASH TV AND HAS LO LOTS TO TO SAY SAY ABOUT IT. IT. IF YOU YOU ARE SQ UEAMISH SHE'S NOT NOT YOUR YOUR GAL, B UT IF YOU YOU LIKE IT OVER OVER THE TOP TOP YOU'LL YOU'LL LOVE HER AS WE ALL DO. DO.

3223 BRAINERD RD.423.622.2233 WWW.THECOMEDYCATCH.COM

SANDWICH SHOP

DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS TICKETS ON SALE NOW

Great Sandwiches, Wraps & Salad Plates at Lunch

RO, SLEEPER AGENT

CROSSFADE

MICHAEL MACK MACK BEGAN HIS CAREER IN 1990 AND SINCE THEN HE HAS MADE SCORES OF PEOPLE LAUGH LAUGH AS HARD AS POSSIBLE. HIS “LAUGH “LAUGH ‘TILL YOU YOU PUKE” STYLE HAS MADE IT ON TO TO “THE BOB AND TOM TOM SHO W, ” “THE JOHN BOY BOY AND BILLY BILLY SHOW SHOW, ” AND ABC’S “AMERICA’S AMERICA’S FUNNIEST PEOPLE.” PEOPLE.” HE CURRENTLY CURRENTLY BRINGS DOWN DOWN THE HOUSE AT AT CLUBS CLUBS,, COLLEGES AND ON CR UISE SHIPS. SHIPS.

FIGGY’S

POWER PLAYERS SHOW BAND

HE ELEPHANT

PRIL 5

MICHAEL MACK

RRO OCCK K EETT O OW WN N (Nashville) Asking Alexandria, Emmure, Chiodos, Miss May I, Evergreen Terrace April 12 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Jill Sobule, John Doe April 12 MCC K M K EEN NZZIIEE AARR EEN NAA The Harlem Globetrotters April 13 BBIIJJO OU U TTH H EEAATT RREE (Knoxville) George Clinton & Parliament/Funkadelic April 13 TTH HEE VVAA LLAA RRIIU UM M (Knoxville) Diersk Bentley, Josh Thompson, Miss Willie Brown April 13 EED DD DIIEE’’SS AA TTTTIICC (Atlanta) Ari Hest April 13

SLIPPERY WHEN WET

LETICIA WOLF

MARCH 31-APRIL 3

APRIL 7

McKAY’S ROAD TO NIGHTFALL FINALS

APRIL 8

TOUBAB KREWE RUBBERBUCKET ORCHESTRA

UPCOMING SHOWS 4/13 - OPPOSITE BOX • 4/15 - LUCERO & THE BOHANNONS • 4/29 - SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS • 5/1 - JUSTIN TOWNES EARLE • 5/11 - NONPOINT • 5/31 - RYAN BINGHAM

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

805 Chestnut Street Downtown 266-8675 M-F 7-3

ZZYYD DEECC O O (Birmingham) Asking Alexandria, Emmure, Chiodos, Miss May I, Evergreen Terrace April 13 WO W ORRK K PP LLA A YY TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Jill Sobule, John Doe April 13 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA ACC LLEE (Atlanta) Coheed & Cambria April 14 TTH HEE M MA A SSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) The Greenhornes April 14 BB IIJJ O OU U TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Knoxville) Toad the Wet Sprocket April 14 W AARR M W MEEM MO ORRIIA A LL AA U UD DIITT O ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Ween April 14 MEERR CCYY LLO M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Hayes Carll, Shovels & Rope April 14 JJ.. JJ.. ’’SS BBO OH H EEM MIIA A The Greenhornes, Hacienda April 15 SSU UG GAARR ’’SS Disco Night April 15 TTH HEE M MA A SSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) A Day to Remember, Bring Me the Horizon, We Came As Romans, Pierce the Veil, The Raveonettes, John Popper April 15 VVA A RR IIEETTYY PP LLA A YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Toad the Wet Sprocket April 15 CCA AN ND DLLEERR PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Galactic April 15 PP IIEED DM MO ON NTT PP A ARR K K (Atlanta) Matt Mackelcan, Moon Taxi April 15 KN K NO OXX VVIILLLLEE CCO OLLIISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Trevor Morgan April 15 BB IIJJ O OU U TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Knoxville) Old 97’s April 15 TTU USSCC A ALLO OO OSSA AA AM MPP H HIITTH H EEAATT RREE (Tuscaloosa) Sugarland April 15 VVEE RRIIZZO ON NW W IIRREELLEESSSS CC EEN NTTEERR (Pelham) Widespread Panic, Charlie Daniels Band April 15 RR O OCCK K EETTO OW WN N (Nashville) Forever the Sickest Kids, Breathe Carolina, We Are the In Crowd April 15 VVA AN ND DEERR BBIILLTT (Nashville) Jerrod Niemann, Futurebirds April 15 TTIIVV O OLLII TTH HEEA A TTRR EE David Sedaris April 16 SSU UG GAARR ’’SS No Big Deal April 16 CCO OBB BB EEN NEERRG GYY PPEE RRFFO ORR M MIIN NG G AA RRTT SS CC EEN NTTEERR (Atlanta) Lisa Lampanelli April 16 A AARR O A ON N’’SS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEAA TTRR EE (Atlanta) Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, The Band Perry April 16 CCA AN ND DLLEERR PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) 7 Walkers, Dead Confederate, The Pimps of Joytime April 16 WO W ORRK K PP LLA A YY TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Old 97’s April 16 BB RRIID DG GEESSTT O ON NEE A ARR EEN NAA (Nashville) Sugarland, Little Big Town April 16 NAA SSH N HVVIILLLLEE M MU UN NIICCIIPP AALL AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) The Spinners April 16 VVEE RRIIZZO ON NW W IIRREELLEESSSS CC EEN NTTEERR (Pelham) Widespread Panic, Big Gigantic April 16 ZZYYD DEECC O O (Birmingham) Crossfade, Within Reason, Adakain April 16 TTH HEE EEA ARR LL (Atlanta) British Sea Power Education April 17 VVA A RR IIEETTYY PP LLA A YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Taj Mahal April 17 D && LLIIN 33 RRD ND DSSLLEEYY (Nashville) William Fitzsimmons April 17 TTEEN NN NEESSSSEE EE TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Knoxville) Steve Miller Band April 17 A RREEN A NA A@ @G GW WIIN NN NEETT TT CC EEN NTTEERR (Atlanta) Lady GaGa,

Semi Precious Weapons April 18 TT H HEE M MA ASSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) Vampires Everywhere!, Brokencycle, Dot Dot Curve, It Boys April 18 TT H HEE VVA A LLA ARR IIU UM M (Knoxville) Seether, The Red Jumpsuit Aparatus, My Darkest Days April 18 MEEM M MO ORR IIA ALL A AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M Trans Siberian Orchestra April 19 PP H HIILLIIPPSS A A RREEN NA A (Atlanta) Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band April 19 WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Family Force 5 April 19 TT H HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLLEE (Atlanta) Kesha April 20 EEX X IITT// IIN N (Nashville) Hawthorne Heights April 20 WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Alejandro Escovedo April 20 JJ.. JJ.. ’’SS BB O OH HEEM MIIA A Colour Revolt April 21 TT H HEE M MA ASSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) Black Veil Brides, DRUGS, I See Stars, Versemerge, Conditions April 21 FFO OXX TTH HEE A ATT RREE (Atlanta) Charlie Sheen April 21 BB RRIID DG GEE SSTT O ON NEE A A RREEN NA A (Nashville) Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band April 21 SSU UG GA A RR’’ SS Standing Room Only April 22/23 CC EEN NTTEERR SSTTA AG GEE (Atlanta) Pete Yorn, Ben Kweller April 22 VV A ARR IIEETTYY PPLLA A YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Rooney, Skybombers, Voxhaul Broadcast April 22 WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY SSO OU UN ND DSSTTA AG GEE (Birmingham) Sara Bareilles, Elizabeth & the Catapult, Xmena Savinana April 22 WO W ORR K KPP LLA AYY TTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) Benjy Davis Project April 22 CC A AN NN NEERR YY BB A A LLLLRR O OO OM M (Nashville) The Kills, Cold Case, The Entrance Band April 22 TT H HEE SSQ QU UA ARR EE RR O OO OM M (Knoxville) Southern Culture on the Skids April 22 TT H HEE CCIID DEERR H HO OU USSEE (Knoxville) Emmitt Nershi Band, The Travelin’ McCourys April 22 TT H HEE VVA A LLA ARR IIU UM M (Knoxville) Tipper April 22 441122 M MA ARR K K EETT Covered In Scars, Chokeslam April 23 FFO OXX TTH HEE A ATT RREE (Atlanta) Yanni April 23 HA H A RR RRA AH H’’SS CC H HEERRO OK KEEEE CCA A SSIIN NO O (Cherokee) Stone Temple Pilots April 23 TT H HEE CCO OM MEED DYY CCA A TTCCH H Pauly Shore April 24 TT H HEE BBA A SSEEM MEEN NTT (Nashville) Marti Jones & Don Dixon April 24 TT H HEE M MA ASSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) Ben Nichols, The Dangerous Summer, Sparks the Rescue April 24 TT EEN NN NEESSSSEEEE TTH HEEA A TT RREE (Knoxville) The Watson Twins, Amos Lee April 25 SSM MIITTH H’’ SS O OLLD DEE BBA A RR (Atlanta) The Watson Twins April 26 TT H HEE M MA ASSQ QU UEERR A AD DEE (Atlanta) Unwritten Law, Absolutely Zero April 26 TT H HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLLEE (Atlanta) Diddy-Dirty Money April 26 RR O OCCK K EETTO OW WN N (Nashville) Black Veil Brides, DRUGS, I See Stars, Versemerge, Conditions April 27 RR YYM MA AN NA AU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M (Nashville) Jeff Beck April 27 BB EELLCCO OU URR TT TTH H EEA ATT RREE (Nashville) The Wood Brothers, Carsie Blanton April 27

CCO OBBBB EEN NEERR G GYY PP EERR FFO ORRM MIIN NG G AA RR TTSS CCEEN NTT EERR (Atlanta) Tom Jones April 27 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Local H April 27 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Peter Bjorn & John April 28 BBEELLCCO OU URR TT TT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Nashville) Kara Di Guardi April 28 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Local H April 28 MEE RRCCYY LLO M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Colour Revolt April 28 WO W ORR K K PPLLAA YY TTH HEE AATT RREE (Birmingham) The Wood Brothers, Cassie Blanton April 28 SSU UG GAA RR ’’SS Convertibull April 29/30 VVA A RRIIEETT YY PP LLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Todd Snider April 29 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Sepultura, Hate, Neurosis April 29 BBJJCCCC A ARR EEN NAA (Birmingham) Weezer, Cee-Lo Green, Sublime With Rome, Drivin’ N’ Cryin’, DJ Logic April 29 WO W OO OD DSSO ON NG GSS CC O OFFFFEEEEH HO OU USSEE (Dalton) Natasha Borzilora April 30 TTH HEE SSH HEED D (Maryville) Todd Snider April 30 PPIILLO OTT LLIIG GH HTT (Knoxville) Dirt Daubers April 30 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE AA RREE N NAA (Nashville) Montgomery Gentry, Her & Kings Gentry April 30 SSTT A ARR BBAA RR (Atlanta) Southern Culture on the Skids April 30 FFRREED DRR IICCK K BBRR O OW WN N JJRR.. AA M MPPH HIITT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Atlanta) Kenny G April 30 VVA A RRIIEETT YY PP LLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Man Man April 30 SSA AM MFFO ORR D DU UN NIIVVEERR SSIITTYY (Birmingham) The Avett Brothers April 30 BBJJCCCC A ARR EEN NAA (Birmingham) Stone Temple Pilots, Buckcherry, Nelly, Cage the Elephant, Cold, Coper April 30 EED DD DIIEE’’SS AA TTTTIICC (Atlanta) Marti Jones & Don Dixon May 1 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult, 16 Volt, Twitch the Ripper May 1 CCEEN NTTEERR SSTTAA G GEE (Atlanta) Sleigh Bells, CSS May 2 TTH HEE EEAA RRLL (Atlanta) Joan As Police Woman May 2 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult, 16 Volt, Twitch the Ripper May 2 RRYYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Interpol May 2 CCA AN NN NEERRYY BBAA LLLLRR O OO OM M (Nashville) Sleigh Bells, CSS May 3 BBO OTTTT LLEETTRR EEEE (Birmingham) Jon Spencer Blues Explosion May 3 MEE RRCCYY LLO M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) The New Mastersounds May 4 BBIIJJO OU U TTH H EEAATT RREE (Knoxville) The Wood Brothers, Abigail Washburn May 4 MEE M M MO O RRIIAA LL AAU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M Celtic Women May 5 JJ..JJ.. ’’ SS BB O OH HEEM MIIAA Those Darlins May 5 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Hawthorne Heights May 5 VVEERR IIZZO ON NW WIIRR EELLEESSSS AAM MPP H HIITTH HEE AATT RREE @ @ EEN NCCO O RREE PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Alter Bridge, Avenged Sevefold, Seether May 5 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Echo & the Bunnymen May 5 FFO OXX TT H HEEAATT RREE (Atlanta) Kylie Minogue May 6 VVA A RRIIEETT YY PP LLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Donald Glover May 6 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE AA RREE N NAA (Nashville) Avenged

Sevenfold, Three Days Grace, Bullet For My Valentine May 6 KN K NO OXXVV IILLLLEE AA U UD DIITTO O RRIIU UM M && CCO OLLIISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Chris Botti May 7 TTH HEE SSH HEED D (Maryville) The Nighthawks May 7 EEXXIITT //IIN N (Nashville) Matt Wertz May 7 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE AA RR EEN NA A (Nashville) Martin Lawrence May 7 BBO OTT TTLLEETTRR EEEE (Birmingham) Dead Confederate May 7 WIILLD W D BB IILLLL’’ SS (Duluth) Atlanta Rhythm Section May 7 TTEEN NN NEESSSSEEEE TT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Knoxville) Jackson Brown May 9 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Memphis May Fire, Decoder, Ten After Two, That’s Outrageous May 9 RRYY M MAAN N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Jars of Clay May 10 TTH HEE VV AALLAA RRIIU UM M (Knoxville) Alter Bridge, Black Stone Cherry May 10 FFO OXX TT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Atlanta) Bruno Mars, Janelle Monae, Plan B May 10 CCEEN NTT EERR SSTT AAG GEE (Atlanta) Danzig, DevilDriver, 2Cents May 10 TTH HEE TT AABB EERR N NAACC LLEE (Atlanta) My Chemical Romance May 11 DRRU D UN NK K EEN NU UN NIICCO O RRN N (Atlanta) Ted Leo, Gentlemen Jesse & His Men May 11 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Smoking Popes, Girl In Alone May 11 VVA A RRIIEETT YY PP LLAAYY H HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Jefferson Starship May 11 CCA AN NN NEERR YY BBAA LLLLRRO OO OM M (Nashville) Alter Bridge, Black Stone Cherry May 11 WO W ORR K K PPLLAA YY TT H HEEAATT RREE (Birmingham) Griffin House May 11 MEEM M MO ORRIIAA LL AAU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Trevor Morgan May 12 TTH HEE M MAA SSQ QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Between the Buried and Me, Job For A Cowboy, The Ocean May 12 WO W ORR K K PPLLAA YY TT H HEEAATT RREE (Birmingham) Kim Richey, Mando Saenz May 12 BBJJCC CC A A RREEN NAA (Birmingham) Mandisa May 13 RRYY M MAAN N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Fleet Foxes May 13 TTH HEE 55 SSPP O OTT (Nashville) Jonathan Richman May 13/14 RRYY M MAAN N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Trevor Morgan May 14 PPH HIILLIIPP SS AARR EEN NAA (Atlanta) Bon Jovi May 14 TTH HEE TT AABB EERR N NAACC LLEE (Atlanta) Fleet Foxes May 14 EED DD DIIEE’’SS AA TTTT IICC (Atlanta) The Freddy Jones Band May 14 BBRR A AN NH HAAM M PP AARR K K (Atlanta) Drivin’ N’ Cryin’ May 14 FFRREED D RRIICCK K BB RRO OW WN N JJRR .. A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Creedence Clearwater Revisited May 14 PPA A RR K K TT AAVV EERRN N (Atlanta) Griffin House May 15 JJ.. JJ..’’ SS BBO OH HEEM MIIAA Christabel & the Jons May 16 JJ.. JJ..’’ SS BBO OH HEEM MIIAA Brian Oliver May 17 TTH HEE LLO OFFTT (Atlanta) Uh Huh Her May 17 BBIIJJO OU U TT H HEEAA TTRREE (Knoxville) Xavier Rudd May 18 TTH HEE TT AABB EERR N NAACC LLEE (Atlanta) Hollywood Undead, 10 Years, Drive A, New Medicine May 18

THE BOYS ARE BACK AGAIN!

THE CHATTANOOGA LOOKOUTS 2011 SEASON KICKS OFF ON THURSDAY, APRIL 7 AT AT&T FIELD SPECIAL EXHIBITION GAME TUESDAY, APRIL 5 VS. CHATTANOOGA STATE at 7:15

LOOKOUTS VS. TENN. SMOKES 4/7-11 & HUNTSVILLE STARS 4/18-22

WWW.LOOKOUTS.COM ENIGMA

MARCH 31, 2011

RR YYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) The Flaming Lips May 18 WO W ORRK KPP LLAA YY TTH H EEAATT RREE (Birmingham) Mogwai May 19 TTH H EE TTAA BBEE RRN NAA CCLLEE (Atlanta) The Flaming Lips May 19 CCEE N NTTEERR SSTTAA G GEE (Atlanta) Blue October May 19 RR YYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Paul Simon May 19 FFO OO OBB AA RR (Nashville) Christabel & the Jons May 19 MIILLLLEERR PP LLAA ZZAA Dawes May 20 M BB U UCCK KH HEEAA D D TTH HEE AATT RREE (Atlanta) Of Montreal May 20 RR YYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Social Distortion, Chuck Ragan May 20 EED DD DIIEE’’ SS AATT TTIICC (Atlanta) Pat McGee May 21 TTH H EE M MAASSQ QU UEE RRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Mustard Plug May 22 KN K NO OXX VVIILLLLEE AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Knoxville) James Taylor May 23 BB JJCCCC CCO ON NCC EERRTT H HA A LLLL (Birmingham) James Taylor May 24 VVA A RR IIEETTYY PPLLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) The Airborne Toxic Event May 24 AA A ARR O ON N’’ SS AAM MPP H HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Jimmy Buffett May 24 PP EEA A CCH HTTRR EEEE TT AA VVEERR N N Taproot May 24 VVA A RR IIEETTYY PPLLAA YYH HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Raphael Saadig May 25 TTH H EE TTAA BBEE RRN NAA CCLLEE (Atlanta) Manchester Orchestra, Cage the Elephant, O’Brother May 25 BB IIJJO OU U TTH HEE AATT RREE (Knoxville) Little Feat, Roy Jay May 25 MEEM M MO ORR IIAA LL AA U UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M Steve Martin w/ The Steep Canyon Rangers May 26 CCO OU UN NTTRR YY TT O ON NIITTEE TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Pigeon Forge) Loretta Lynn May 27 TTH H EE TTAA BBEE RRN NAA CCLLEE (Atlanta) Panic! At The Disco, Fun, Foxy Shazam May 27 TTH H EE SSH HEED D (Maryville) Marty Stuart May 28 TTH H EE TTAA BBEE RRN NAA CCLLEE (Atlanta) Deftones, Dillinger Escape Plan, The Butcherettes May 28 BB RRIID DG GEE SSTT O ON NEE AA RR EEN NA A (Nashville) Jimmy Buffett May 28 HA H A RR RRAA H H’’SS CC H HEERR O OK KEEEE CCA A SSIIN NO O (Cherokee) Reba May 29 H && PP O 1122TTH ORRTT EERR (Nashville) Eisley May 30 JJ.. JJ.. ’’SS BB O OH HEEM MIIAA The Queers June 3 WO W OO OD DSSO ON NG GSS CC O OFFFFEEEEH HO OU USSEE (Dalton) Dale Ann Bradley June 3 CCH HA ASSTT AAIIN N PP AA RRK K (Atlanta) The Monkees June 3 A TTLLA A AN NTTAA BB O OTTAA N NIICCA A LL G GA A RR D DEEN N (Atlanta) Jonny Lang June 3 TTH H EE M MAASSQ QU UEE RRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Matt & Kim, The Thermals, Autobot June 3 KN K NO OXX VVIILLLLEE AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Knoxville) B.J. Thomas June 3 CCA A FFÉÉ FFIIRR EEN NZZAA (Birmingham) Taproot June 3 SSN NO OO OK KEERR ’’SS (Soddy-Daisy) Flibberty Gibbett June 4 MYYSSTT EERR YY D M DO OG G RR AA N NCCH H (Ringgold) Flibberty Gibbett, Molly Maguires, No Big Deal, Tori Martin, Dr. Doodah, Hara Paper June 4 RR YYM MAA N N AA U UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Jonny Lang June 4 MEEM M MO ORR IIAA LL AA U UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M B.J. Thomas June 5 CCH HA ASSTT AAIIN N PP AA RRK K (Atlanta) B.B. King, Buddy Guy June 5 A RREE N A NAA @ @G GW W IIN NN NEETT TT CCEE N NTTEERR (Atlanta) Katy Perry June 7 A RREE N A NAA @ @G GW W IIN NN NEETT TT CCEE N NTTEERR (Atlanta) Josh Groban June 8 CCA AN NN NEERR YY BB AA LLLLRRO OO OM M (Nashville) Brooke Fraser June 8 TTH H EE M MEERRCC YY LLO OU UN NG G EE (Nashville) Los Straitjackets June 9 RR IIVVEERR BBEE N ND D FFEESSTTIIVV A ALL Huey Lewis & the News, Starship fea. Mickey Thomas, The Stone Foxes, Flibbery Gibbett aka Roberts Mill June 10 CCRR U USSH HW W AARR EEH HO OU USSEE (Birmingham) Tantric June 10 TTH H EE EEAA RRLL (Atlanta) Dave Alvin, Los Straitjackets June 11 RR IIVVEERR BBEE N ND D FFEESSTTIIVV A ALL Jeff Coffin Mu’ Tet June 12

BB EESSSSIIEE SSM MIITTH H SSTT RRU UTT Jimmy Thackery & the Drivers June 13 VV A ARR IIEETT YY PP LLA AYY H HO OU USSEE (Atlanta) Uriah Heep June 14 VV EERR IIZZ O ON NW W IIRREELLEESSSS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE @ @ EEN NCC O ORR EE PP A ARR K K (Atlanta) Phish June 14/15 RR IIVVEERR BB EEN ND D FFEESSTT IIVVA A LL Uriah Heep June 15 LLO OVV EELLEESSSS CCA A FFÉÉ (Nashville) Paleface June 15 SSTT O ON NEE M MO OU UN NTT A AIIN N PP A A RRK K (Stone Mtn.) Switchfoot June 15 TT H HEE TTA A BB EERRN NA ACC LLEE (Atlanta) Adele June 17 TT IIPPSSYY’’ SS (Birmingham) Afroman June 18 WO W ORR LLD D’’SS FFA A IIRR PP A A RRK K (Knoxville) Willie Nelson, Randy Houser, Jamey Johnson, Lee Brice, Craig Campbell, Lukas Nelson June 19 RR YYM MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Adele June 20 BB RRIID DG G EESSTTO ON NEE A ARR EEN NA A (Nashville) New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys June 21 PP H HIILLIIPPSS A A RR EEN NA A (Atlanta) New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys June 22 WO W ORR K KPPLLA A YY TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Birmingham) James McMurtry June 23 MEERR CCYY LLO M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Nick 13 June 28 RR YYM MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Ricky Skaggs June 30 FFO OXX TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Florence & the Machine July 1 VV A AN ND DEERRBB IILLTT SSTT A AD DIIU UM M (Nashville) U2, Florence & the Machine July 2 BB RRIID DG G EESSTTO ON NEE A ARR EEN NA A (Nashville) Motley Crue, Poison, New York Dolls July 3 RR YYM MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Josh Williams July 7 PP H HIILLIIPPSS A A RR EEN NA A (Atlanta) Taylor Swift, NeedToBreathe July 9/10 AA A A RRO ON N ’’SS A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Motley Crue, Poison, New York Dolls July 10 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Rihanna, Cee-Lo Green July 12 PP H HIILLLLIIPPSS A A RR EEN NA A (Atlanta) Sade, John Legend July 12/13 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Michael McDonald, Boz Scaggs July 13 GRR A G AN ND DO OLLEE O OPP RR YY H HO OU USSEE (Nashville) Ronnie Milsap July 14 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Charlie Wilson, Chrisette Michelle July 15 MA M A BB EELL H HO OU USSEE BB A ARR N NEESS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE (Mableton) Foghat July 16 VV EERR IIZZ O ON NW W IIRREELLEESSSS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE A A TT EEN NCCO ORR EE PP A ARR K K (Atlanta) Corey Smith July 16 FFRR EED DRR IICCK K BB RRO OW WN N JJRR .. A AM MPP H HTT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Kool & the Gang July 16 W IILLD W D BBIILLLL’’SS (Duluth) Dokken July 22 CC O OU UN NTTRR YY TT O ON NIITTEE TTH HEEA A TT RREE (Pigeon Forge) George Jones July 23 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Huey Lewis & the News, Little Feat July 23 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) The Temptations, The Four Tops July 27 RR YYM MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Doc Watson July 28 AA A A RRO ON N ’’SS A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Rascal Flatts, Easton Corbin, Sara Evans July 28 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith July 29 TT H HEE SSH HEED D (Maryville) Blackberry Smoke July 30 AA A A RRO ON N ’’SS A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) 311, Sublime With Rome July 30 AA A A RRO ON N ’’SS A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Van’s Warped Tour August 1 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Selena Gomez, Allstar Weekend August 2 VV EERR IIZZ O ON NW W IIRREELLEESSSS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE A A TT EEN NCCO ORR EE PP A ARR K K (Atlanta) Dolly Parton August 3 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Michael W. Smith, Amy Grant August 5 BB RRIID DG G EESSTTO ON NEE A ARR EEN NA A (Nashville) Keith Urban August 6 CC H HA ASSTT A A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Steely Dan August 6/7 TT H HO OM MPP SSO ON N--BB O OLLIIN NG GA A RREEN NA A (Knoxville) Keith Urban August 12 AA A A RRO ON N ’’SS A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) Disturbed, Godsmack, Machine Head, In Flames, Trivium

August 12 CCH HA A SSTTA A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Bruce Hornsby, Bela Fleck & the Flecktones August 12 CCH HA A SSTTA A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Mary Chapin Carpenter, Shawn Colvin August 13 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE A A RREEN NA A (Nashville) Katy Perry August 19 GRREEEE RR SSTT A G AD DIIU UM M (Nashville) Kenny Loggins, The Boston Pops Orchestra August 20 FFRREED DRR IICCK K BB RRO OW WN N JJ RR.. A AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) 10,000 Maniacs, Edwin McCain August 20 TTU USSCCA A LLO OO OSSA AA AM MPPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Tuscaloosa) Steely Dan August 20 RREEG GIIO ON NSS PPA A RRK K (Birmingham) Kenny Loggins, The Boston Pops Orchestra August 23 GO G ORRD DO ON N BBIIEERR SSCCH H BBRR EEW W EERRYY Anders Osborne August 27 ATT LLA A AN NTT A AM MO O TTO ORR SSPPEE EED DW WA AYY (Atlanta) Lynyrd Skynyrd September 4 WO W ORR LLD D’’SS FFA A IIRR PPA A RR K K (Knoxville) Chuck Wicks September 4 SSCC H HEERR M MEERR H HO ORRN N SSYYM MPP H HO ON NYY CC EEN NTT EERR (Nashville) Wynonna September 15-17 BBRR IID DG GEESSTTO ON NEE A A RREEN NA A (Nashville) Taylor Swift, NeedToBreathe September 16/17 AA A A RR O ON N’’SS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE (Atlanta) Journey, Foreigner September 16 CCH HA A SSTTA A IIN N PPA A RR K K (Atlanta) Darius Rucker September 17 PPA A RRK K TT A AVV EERR N N (Atlanta) Jenny Owen Youngs September 25 AA A A RR O ON N’’SS A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA A TT RREE (Atlanta) Toby Keith, Eric Church October 8 SSCC H HEERR M MEERR H HO ORRN N SSYYM MPP H HO ON NYY H HA ALLLL (Nashville) Sonny Rollins October 14 CCO OU UN NTT RRYY TTO ON NIITT EE TTH HEE A ATT RREE (Pigeon Forge) Ray Stevens October 21 ALLYY SS SSTT EEPP H A HEEN N CCEE N NTTEERR (Birmingham) Punch

Brothers, Loudon Wainwright III October 21 NA N A SSH H VVIILLLLEE M MU UN NIICCIIPP A A LL A AU UD D IITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Aaron Tippen October 22 CCO OU UN NTT RRYY TTO ON NIITTEE TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Pigeon Forge) Jeanne Seely, Jim Ed Brown, Helen Cornelius, Jack Greene November 11 TTIIVV O OLLII TTH HEEA A TTRR EE Bela Fleck May 3 PPH H IILLIIPP SS A A RREEN NA A (Atlanta) Cirque De Soleil Michael Jackson “The Immortal” June 29

CCO ON NTT IIN NU UIIN NG G FFIIRRSSTT CCEEN NTT EEN NA A RR YY U UN NIITTEE D DM MEETTH HO OD DIISSTT CCH HU URRCC H H (Room 135) Singles One Mondays @ 6 PM BBIIG G CC H HIILLLL Karaoke Tuesdays DEEVVEE LLO D OPPM MEEN N TT RR EESSO OU URR CCEE BB U UIILLD DIIN NG G (1250 Market Street) Chattanooga Alliance for Animals First Wednesday of the month MIILLLLEE RR M M MO OTT LLEE TTEE CCH HN NIICC A ALL CC O OLLLLEEG GEE CHEO Complimentary Health Education Organization Chapter Meeting Third Sunday 2-4 PM TTH HEE CC H HA A TTTT A AN NO OO OG GA AN N Breakfast Education & Networking Workshop Second Wednesday of the month MA M ARR K KEETT SSTT RREE EETT TT A AVV EERR N N Billy Hopkins Tuesdays BBRR A AD DFFO ORR D DH HEEA A LLTTH H CC EEN NTTEERR (6160 Shallowford Rd.) Free Parent Support Meeting Thursdays 56pm AN A NG GEELLO O’’SS (Cleveland) Dos Sundays TTH HEE EE LLK KSS LLO OD DG G EE (Cleveland) Joe Collins Tuesdays LLA ASS M MA A RR G GA ARR IITTA A ’’ SS (Cleveland) Collins Brothers Band Thursdays BBU UD D’’ SS Channing Wilson Thursdays NO N ORR TTH HSSH HO ORR EE G GRR IILLLL Arlo Gilliam Sundays LLA ASS M MA A RR G GA ARR IITTA A ’’ SS Priscilla & Little Rickee Wednesdays TTH HEE O O FFFFIICCEE SpeakEasy Mondays

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BREAKING NEWS The CW Casting New Reality Show with Tryouts to Take Place in Chattanooga HOLLYWOOD – Simon Cowell is prepared to invade reality television again according to Variety. The former A&R rep, talent judge and reality show icon is prepared to launch his latest reality based talent show next April according to trade publications.

Randy Jackson stopped by a small bar on Broadway and got a kick from watching an AC/DC tribute band. “You would have thought it was really Bon Scott

Cowell said he made a mental note that night and noticed in smaller cities that surrounded the larger metropolitan areas

Known as the brash and brutally honest judge on American Idol and X-Factor, Cowell plans to broaden not only his horizons but everyone else’s as well. We’re not going after singers, but bands now,” he told the trade publication.

“You’ve got to look the part,” said Cowell. “I don’t want any bald guys singing ‘Revolution’ or a 300 pound guy singing “Start Me Up” or for that matter a 125 pound guy singing ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Lights’,” he continued. The bands will be judged on how well they interpret the music, how closely they resemble the real thing and how well they embody the spirit of that band they are paying tribute.

The new show is being tentatively called “Mock the Rock”. The show is inviting all tribute bands to try out for the show. “With the fascination this country has with tribute bands over the real thing, it’s time for America to decide who’s the best mock rock band,” said Cowell. The show is scheduled to air on the CW beginning April 1 in 2012. CW head Dawn Ostroff is eager to bring Cowell and his creative mind to the network. “He can be such an ass, and when he is, I see nothing but dollar signs for the network,” she said.

So if you cover the Beatles, Stones, White Stripes, or any live band out there the CW and Cowell are looking for you. “We will be doing open auditions for the show,” said Cowell. The auditions will take place in the medium to smaller markets where the tribute bands seem to thrive best.

Simon Cowell will rear his ugly head once again on reality televsion as not only a judge but executive producer of the CW’s “Mock the Rock”.

on stage the way the crowd was into it,” he said. “One person told me they can’t afford to see their favorite bands any more because of high prices and that some are no longer around due Cowell said he got the idea three to death and irreconcilable difyears ago while visiting American ferences, so this was the closest Idol tryouts in Nashville. He and they would ever get.”

had an abundance of tribute bands performing. “One club owner said the tribute bands, while not a big fan, the people are and they make him enough money to bring in more shows of his liking to take a risk on,” he said.

The initial competition is open only to bands and not individual artists, says Ostroff. In other words there will be no David Bowie tributes, no Rod Stewart tributes, unless they are a Small Faces tribute band and the bands will not be allowed to perform solo material in the show. “If they are a Beatles tribute band they wouldn’t be allowed to cover ‘Imagine’ because that was a John Lennon solo work’,” she said.

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uation,” says Cowell. The competition will be whittled down to ten tribute bands that will be then be housed in Phil Spector’s house, which is not being used currently due to his incarceration. “What better inspiration than to live briefly in the house created by the wall of sound,” said Cowell. Besides performing they will also take part in other extracurricular activities that will help them win points to stave or elimination.

The winning band will also win a headlining spot Sunday night at Bonnaroo in Manchester, Tennessee playing on the What stage in 2012. “This will be really c o o l ,

“Most of the fun and games are based off of the actual lives of some of the bands they’ll be covering,” said Cowell. Games mentioned included the Brian Jones Pool Party Game, the Jon Bonham Drive or Drown Competition, the Kurt Cobain Lucky Shot Competition, and the Gary Glitter Easter Egg Hunt. The winner of the contest will receive a recording contract with Simco, Cowell’s company and will be given their own half hour sitcom on the CW, similar to the Monkees. The catch is the band must perform as the band they are paying tribute. If they are a Who tribute band they must pretend that is who they are when recording. Their songs will be provided by the winner of another Cowell reality show, “I Write the Songs” that is hosted by Barry Manilow and Butch Walker on the Game Show Channel. The album will receive a full worldwide distribution deal from Warner Records with half the royalties going to the surviving band members of the band that are paying tribute to or surviving families. “It’s a win-win-win sit-

said.

Gary,” said Cowell. “And Fergie… I happen to enjoy The top six finalists will also watching her work.” embark on a nationwide tour deemed the “Monsters of Mock Tryouts for “Mock the Rock begin Tour” and will travel to arenas next month with CW crews for about 90 dates in the summer spreading throughout the states and early fall of 2012. “I hope looking for the best tribute bands. “You might call it a ‘mockumentary’ of sorts an unnamed CW official called it. One of the auditions will take play locally in Chattanooga, Tennessee at Rhythm and Brews. Auditions are scheduled to take place Sunday, April 10. Potential bands are encouraged to email the venue for more information and scheduling their tryout. Venue owner Mike Dougher will be one of the local judges to help decide who makes the initial cut. “Hey, it’ll be a groovy time,” the Rhythm and Brews talent buyer says. SHARE

Popular Led Zeppelin tribute band, Zoso is one of a myriad of tribute bands expected to compete in the first season of “Mock the Rock”.

said Bonnaroo promoter Ashley Capps of AC Entertainment. “We could have used a Zeppelin tribute band a couple of years ago when the real deal back out of performing here in 2008,” he

there’s a good Beatles tribute band out there, because I never got to see the real thing perform,” said Cowell. Joining Cowell in judging the bands will be Gary Cherone, formerly of Extreme and the third lead singer of Van Halen and Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas. “If there is anyone that knows disappointment and an inability to live up to a band’s legend, it’s

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

OPENING THIS WEEK Hop PG Fred is an out-of-work slacker who accidentally injures the Easter Bunny and must take him in as he recovers. As Fred struggles with the world’s worst houseguest, both will learn what it takes to finally grow up. Source Code PG-13 When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a program that enables him to cross over into

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NOW S HOWI NG The Adjustment Bureau PG-13 On the brink of winning a seat in the U.S. Senate, ambitious politician David Norris meets beautiful contemporary ballet dancer Elise Sellas — a woman like none he’s ever known. But just as he realizes he’s falling for her, mysterious men conspire to keep the two apart. Battle: Los Angeles PG-13 For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world — Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown

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Kaley Cuoco in Universal Pictures’ “Hop”. forces. As people everywhere watch the selves going through the motions, the world’s great cities fall, Los Angeles wives give their husbands a “hall pass” to becomes the last stand for mankind in a engage in extracurriculars. battle no one expected. The King’s Speech R Beastly PG-13 George VI, also known as Bertie, relucKyle Kingson has it all - looks, intelli- tantly takes the throne of England when gence, wealth and opportunity - and a his brother, Edward, abdicates in 1936. wicked cruel streak. Prone to mocking The unprepared king turns to a radical and humiliating “aggressively unattrac- speech therapist, Lionel Logue, to help tive” classmates, he zeroes in on Goth overcome his nervous stutter and the classmate Kendra, inviting her to the two forge a friendship. school’s extravagant environmental bash. Kendra accepts, and, true to form, Limitless PG-13 Aspiring author Eddie Morra is suffering Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules PG from chronic writer’s block, but his life Greg Heffley is back with problems new changes instantly when an old friend and old, but none more prominent than introduces him to NZT, a revolutionary the punishments of his older brother new pharmaceutical that allows him to Rodrick. tap his full potential. With every synapse crackling, Eddie can recall everything he Gnomeo & Juliet G has ever read, seen or heard, learn any Two garden gnomes, Gnomeo and Juliet, language in a day, comprehend complex try to avoid tragedy and find a happy equations and beguile anyone he meets. ending to their star-crossed love affair when they are caught up in a feud The Lincoln Lawyer R between neighbors. Mickey Haller is a Los Angeles criminal defense attorney who operates out of The Grace Card PG-13 the back of his Lincoln sedan. Haller has Everything can change in an instant and spent most of his career defending gartake a lifetime to unravel. When Mac den-variety criminals, until he lands the McDonald loses his son in an accident, case of his career: defending Louis the ensuing 17 years of bitterness and Roulet, a Beverly Hills playboy accused pain erodes his love for his family and of rape and attempted murder. leaves him angry with God and just about everyone else. Mars Needs Moms PG Take out the trash, eat your broccoli Hall Pass R who needs moms, anyway? Nine-yearWhen two married couples find them- old Milo finds out just how much he

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needs his mom when she’s nabbed by Martians who plan to steal her mom-ness for their own young. Milo embarks on a quest to save his mom - a wild adventure that involves stowing away on a spaceship, navigating an elaborate, multi-level planet and taking on the alien nation and their leader. Paul R For the past 60 years, an alien named Paul has been hanging out at a top-secret military base. For reasons unknown, the space-traveling smart ass decides to escape the compound and hop on the first vehicle out of town — a rented RV containing Earthlings Graeme Willy and Clive Gollings. Rango PG-13 The story of a chameleon with an identity crisis. Red Riding Hood PG-13 A Gothic imagining of the classic fairy tale in which a young woman is confronted by a werewolf, this time with a teenage love triangle at its center. Sucker Punch PG-13 Close your eyes. Open your mind. You will be unprepared. A young girl’s dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her mind takes her, and her incredible adventures blur the lines between what’s real and what is imaginary. She has been locked away against her will, but Babydoll has not lost her will to survive. Determined to fight for her freedom, she urges four other young girls—the outspoken Rocket, the streetsmart Blondie, the fiercely loyal Amber and the reluctant Sweet Pea - to band together and try to escape their terrible fate at the hands of their captors, Blue, Madam Gorski and the High Roller. Led by Babydoll, the girls engage in fantastical warfare against everything from samurais to serpents, with a virtual arsenal at their disposal. Together, they must decide what they are willing to sacrifice in order to stay alive. But with the help of a Wise Man, their unbelievable journey - if they succeed - will set them free. UP U PC CO OM MII N NG G

African Cats An epic true story set against the backdrop of one of the wildest places on Earth, “African Cats” captures the reallife love, humor and determination of the majestic kings of the savanna. Apollo 18 To the history books Apollo 17 was NASA’s last Apollo mission but an undocumented and covert operation to the moon was made by Apollo 18, which revealed disturbing evidence of new life forms. Arthur Irresponsible charmer Arthur Bach has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of lifelong nanny Hobson to keep him out of trouble. Now he faces his biggest challenge — choosing between an arranged

marriage that will ensure his lavish lifestyle or an uncertain future with the one thing money can’t buy, Naomi, the only woman he has ever loved. With Naomi’s inspiration and some unconventional help from Hobson, Arthur will take the most expensive risk of his life and finally learn what it means to become a man.

Janeiro.

Fast Five Since Brian O’Conner and Mia Toretto broke Dom Toretto out of custody, they’ve blown across many borders to elude authorities. Now backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job in order to gain their freedom. As they assemble their elite team of top racers, the unlikely allies know their only shot of getting out for good means confronting the corrupt businessman who wants them dead. But he’s not the only one on their tail. Hard-nosed federal agent Luke Hobbs never misses his target. When he is assigned to track down Dom and Brian, he and his strike team launch an all-out assault to capture them. But as his men tear through Brazil, Hobbs learns he can’t separate the good guys from the bad. Now, he must rely on his instincts to corner his prey... before someone else runs them down first.

Soul Surfer PG Bethany was born to surf. A natural talent who took to the waves at a young age, she was leading an idyllic, sundrenched, surfer girl’s life on the Kauai Coast, competing in national competitions with her best friend Alana, when everything changed in a heartbeat.

Scream 4 Sidney Prescott, now the author of a selfhelp book, returns home to Woodsboro on the last stop of her book tour. There she reconnects with Sheriff Dewey and Gale, who are now married, as well as her cousin Jill and her Aunt Kate.

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family PG-13 Madea, everyone’s favorite wise-cracking, take-no-prisoners grandma, jumps into action when her niece, Shirley,

receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. Water for Elephants Jacob Jankowski is about to take his final exams in veterinary medicine at Cornell when his parents are killed in a car accident. He drops out and joins Benzini Brothers, a second-rate traveling circus trying to survive during the Depression. Your Highness R Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-fornothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general.

Hanna PG-13 Raised by her father, an ex-CIA man, in the wilds of Finland, Hanna’s upbringing and training have been one and the same, all geared to making her the perfect assassin. Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil PG A teenage Red Riding Hood trains in a distant land with a mysterious, covert group called Sisters of the Hood. She is then called upon by Nicky Flippers—head of the Happily Ever After Agency—who teams her with the Wolf to investigate the disappearance of Hansel and Gretel. Prom A group of teenagers find their lives intersecting and their futures taking shape as they prepare for the most pivotal event of their high school careers. At first Nova Prescott is infuriated at a classmate who nearly destroys her plans for prom. But the closer the big day gets, the more she realizes that he may be the perfect date. Meanwhile, secretive seniors Tyler and Mei wrestle with the consciences over how to make the most of their big night as the rest of their classmates attempt to reconcile their explosive anticipation with their growing uncertainty over how the dance will ultimately pan out. Rabbit Hole Becca and Howie Corbett are returning to their everyday existence in the wake of a shocking, sudden loss. Just eight months ago, they were a happy suburban family with everything they wanted. Now, they are caught in a maze of memory, longing, guilt, recrimination, sarcasm and tightly controlled rage from which they cannot escape. Rio A nerdy macaw leaves the comfort of his cage in Minnesota and heads to Rio de

Across 1 “Edward Scissorhands” star 5 Team data 9 Short-lived fashions 13 Inter ___ 14 Think-tank output 16 Biblical brother 17 Verdi opera 19 Capri, e.g. 20 Get a lungful 21 Instant picture 23 Fully employed 25 Honey badgers 26 Domain 29 Acupressure technique 31 Adolescent affliction 32 Business VIP 33 Have significance 36 Advanced degree 37 Medical inquirer 39 Big bird 40 German p-o-w camp 42 Engine housing 43 Glided 44 Crime lord 46 Panache 47 West Pointers

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48 “Taming of the Shrew” role 50 Woodcutters’ tools 52 Cocktail with lime juice 56 Basilica part 57 Not mass-produced 59 Amorous gaze 60 Young eel 61 About the same 62 Chapters in history 63 “Anti-art” art movement 64 Bears’ lairs Down 1 “Persistence of Memory” painter 2 Brio 3 Heart of the matter 4 Biblical story 5 “The Merry ___ of Windsor” 6 Exiled Amin 7 Lowest high tide 8 Buddhist enlightenment 9 Most equitable

10 “Yes!” 11 Bagel purveyors 12 “Citizen Kane” prop 15 Made obeisance 18 Former student, briefly 22 Essence of roses 24 Flanders river 26 “Gangsta” performances 27 Authentic 28 Part of the Bay of Bengal 30 Basketball, informally 32 Ponder 34 Silents star Jannings 35 Ill-mannered 37 Bistros 38 Out-of-the-way place 41 Fire truck equipment 43 Checked 45 1963 assassin 46 Ado 47 Prank 49 Ancient Greek marketplace 50 Fit 51 Hindu god 53 Bathe 54 “East of ___” 55 Addition column 58 Assumed command

this week in rock history 11887777 Thomas Edison devises a telephone design that becomes the basis for his later claim to the invention of the microphone. 11992244 The first gramophone to change records automatically goes on sale in the US.

11 9944 99 RCA Victor introduces the 45 rpm single record, which had been in development since 1940. The 7 inch disc was designed to compete with the 33 1/3 LP introduced by Columbia a year earlier. Both formats offered better fidelity and longer playing time than the 78 rpm platter that was currently in use. Advertisements for new record players boasted that with 45 RPM records, the listener could hear up to ten records with speedy, silent, hardly noticeable changes. Remember that the next time you load several hundred songs onto your iPod. 11995522 Sun Records of Memphis, Tennessee began releasing records. The label would later become the home of Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis and many others. 11995577 Buddy Knox became the first artist in the Rock ‘n’ Roll era to write his own number one hit when “Party Doll” topped the Billboard chart. Buddy would go on to place four more songs in the Top 40 between 1957 and 1961.

Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Obie Wheeler, Carl Perkins and Glen Douglas open a tour of the South in Little Rock, Arkansas.

The Everly Brothers release “Bye Bye Love”, a song that was rejected by 30 labels before Cadence Records picked it up. The song went to #2 on the US Pop chart and #1 on the Country & Western chart. Elvis Presley played two concerts before 23,000 people at Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto. Presley performed outside the US only four times in his career - the two concerts in Toronto, one the next night in Ottawa and a later performance in Vancouver. 11995588 CBS Laboratories announces the invention of stereophonic records. Although the new format would be playable on ordinary phonographs, when used on the proper equipment, a new rich and fuller sound would be heard. March 29 Connie Francis enjoys her first chart success as “Who’s Sorry Now?” reached Billboard’s #4 spot. Over the next ten years she will place 55 more songs on the Billboard hit parade. Little Richard had his final US Top 10 hit with “Good Golly Miss Molly”. The song was from his last recording sessions for Specialty Records, after which he recorded a series of Gospel songs. Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode” is released. It would enter the Billboard charts six weeks later and rise to number 8 on the Hot 100 and number two on the R&B chart. The song’s original lyrics referred to Johnny as a “colored boy”, but Berry later acknowledged that he changed it to “country boy” to ensure radio play.

11 996600 Two anti-payola bills are introduced in US Congress by Representative Emanuel Celler of New York. He blames payola for “the cacophonous music called Rock and Roll” and says that Rock and Roll would never have gained popularity, “especially among teenagers,” if not for the result of payola. 11 996611 The very first record ever released by Del Shannon, “Runaway” enters the Billboard chart on its way to becoming a million selling, number one hit. In 2004, Rolling Stone rated the song as #466 on their 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. The Beatles begin their second string of shows in Hamburg, Germany, where they will play for 92 consecutive nights before wrapping up on July 1st. 11996622 The Russian newspaper Pravda warns communist youths about the dangers of dancing the Twist. The Shirelles’ “Soldier Boy” is released in the US on Sceptor Records. The tune becomes the group’s biggest hit, reaching number one, selling over a million copies and earning a Gold record. 11996633 16-year-old Lesley Gore records her breakthrough hit, “It’s My Party”. Producer Quincy Jones hurried Gore into the studio when he found out that Phil Spector was going to cut the song with The Crystals. The single would reach #1 in the US and #9 in the UK. The Chiffons enjoy the first of their five Billboard Top 40 hits when “He’s So Fine” climbs to #1. In the UK, it reached #16. 11996644 Jan and Dean’s double sided hit, “Dead Man’s Curve” / “New Girl in School” enters the US chart where it will rise to #8.

The Beatles set a recording industry record that may never be equaled. They held the top 5 positions on the US singles chart with “Can’t Buy Me Love” at number 1, “Twist and Shout” at number 2, “She Loves You” at number 3, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” at number 4 and “Please Please Me” at number 5. In Canada, they had nine of the top 10 singles, while the Australian charts saw them occupying the first six places. The Beach Boys record “I Get Around”, which will become their first US #1 single by the following July, selling nearly two million copies. It reached #7 in the UK. 11996655 The Who released their first US chart entry, “I Can’t Explain”. Although the song could only climb as high as #93 on the Billboard Hot 100, the band still gained a large following thanks to their exciting live performances. 11996666 Roy Orbison fell off a motorbike during a UK tour, fracturing his foot. He played the remaining dates sitting on a stool and walking on crutches. The Troggs use 45 minutes of spare studio time to record “Wild Thing” at Regent Sound Studio in London. The raw, simple

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

little tune would climb to #2 in the UK and #1 in the US, selling over a million copies by the following June. Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass become the first act to have four LP’s in the Top 10 of the Billboard album chart. 11996677 Van Morrison records “Brown Eyed Girl”, which will enter the Billboard chart next August and rise to #10. The song was inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 2007. Cindy Birdsong, formerly of Patti LaBelle’s Bluebelles, was asked to fill in for Florence Ballard of The Supremes, after Ballard missed a number of shows in New Orleans, Los Angeles and Montreal. Birdsong became a permanent member a few months later. Jimi Hendrix suffered minor burns after he set fire to his guitar for the first time at The Rainbow Theatre. That night, he shared the stage with The Walker Brothers, Cat Stevens and, believe it or not, Engelbert Humperdinck. Eighteen-year-old Steve Winwood left The Spencer Davis Group to join Dave Mason, Jim Capaldi and Chris Wood in Traffic. Winwood had been with Spencer Davis since he was 15. The Beatles are photographed with a photo collage and wax figures from Madame Tussaud’s museum for the cover artwork of their soon to be released “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” album at Chelsea Manor Studios in London. Before the album sleeve is printed, figures of Adolf Hitler and Jesus Christ are removed. 11996699 The Beach Boys launch a lawsuit against Capitol Records for over $2 million in royalties and producer’s fees for Brian Wilson. The band also announces that they are starting their own label, Brothers Records, which will be distributed by Warner / Reprise. Frank Sinatra’s version of “My Way” entered the Billboard Hot 100 where it rise to #27. 11997700 Only Ringo Starr is present at the final Beatles recording session, where he overdubs percussion tracks for “The Long and Winding Road”, “Across The Universe” and “I Me Mine”. 11997711 Three Dog Night’s version of Hoyt Axton’s “Joy To The World” enters the Billboard Hot 100 on its way to becoming the biggest selling single of the year. Six months after his death, Jimi Hendrix’s album, “The Cry of Love” is certified Gold. Ringo Starr releases “It Don’t Come Easy”, which will climb to #4 in the US and the UK. 11997722 Elvis Presley records what proves to be his last Top Ten hit during his lifetime, “Burning Love”. It made #2 in the US and #7 in the UK. 11997733

Jerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead is arrested for speeding on the New Jersey turnpike, but the $15 speeding ticket turns into $2,000 bail when the police find a wide variety of drugs in Garcia’s car. He spends three hours in jail. Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show got their picture on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine after their hit, “The Cover of Rolling Stone” reached number 6 on the US singles chart. According to members of the group, they really did buy five copies for their mothers, just like the song said. 11997744 Nine weeks after entering the Hot 100, John Denver’s “Sunshine On My Shoulders” goes to #1. John would later say that he wrote the song on a day that it was pouring rain. 11 997766 John Lennon’s father Freddie died of stomach cancer in Brighton General Hospital at the age of 63. Just days before, after being told of his father’s condition, John had sent a huge bouquet of flowers with a card that read “With much love from John, Yoko and Sean.” 11997777 Elvis Presley’s concert in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is postponed during intermission when he is too ill to go onstage. The next day, he is admitted to a Memphis hospital for a six day stay, suffering from fatigue and intestinal flu. Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumors” album went to #1 on the Billboard chart where it stayed for 31 weeks. Worldwide, the LP would sell over 25 million copies. 11998800 Ronald Selle, a Chicago antique dealer and part-time musician and songwriter files suit against The Bee Gees, Paramount Pictures and Polygram Records. Selle alleged The Bee Gees’ “How Deep is Your Love” plagiarized two sections of a song he wrote called “Let it End”. Selle won the case even though the Bee Gees claim they never heard Selle’s song and the whole thing was a coincidence. The group would successfully appeal the decision in 1983.

11 998822 David Crosby of the Byrds and CSNY is arrested in San Diego for possession of drugs and a gun. When asked why he carried the gun, his reply was two words: “John Lennon.” The Doobie Brothers announced that they were splitting up. The band started in the ‘70s with the #11 hit “Listen to the Music” and would re-unite for 1989’s Top Ten smash, “The Doctor”. 11 998844 44-year-old Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his father after a heated family argument. Gaye had just received a Grammy for his hit, “Sexual Healing”, his first Top 40 single in 5? years. Remarkably, Gaye’s father received only probation after pleading guilty to manslaughter. Charges of first-degree murder were dropped after doctors discovered Marvin Sr. had a brain tumor. 11 998855 The Singing Nun, whose given name was Jeanine Deckers, committed suicide after the center for autistic children in Belgium

that she helped to found had closed due to lack of funds. Her 1963 hit “Dominique” went to number one in the US and sold over 1.5 million copies, winning a Grammy Award for the year’s best Gospel song. Even sadder is the fact that she was unaware that on the day of her suicide, the Belgian association that collects royalties for songwriters awarded her $300,000. At the time of her death, she was 52 years old.

11999955 Jimmy Page escaped injury when a fan rushed the stage at a Page and Plant concert at The Palace of Auburn Hills, Michigan. The fan was stopped by two security guards, who he stabbed instead. After he was arrested, he told police that he wanted to kill Jimmy Page because of the Satanic music he was playing.

appearance, as did The Go-Gos and the trio of Carly Simon, David Crosby and Jimmy Webb. Also singing Beach Boy songs were Ann and Nancy Wilson, Elton John and Aimee Mann. Brian Wilson himself joined the fun when he took the stage for the final three songs, “Barbara Ann”, “Surfin’ U.S.A.” and “Fun, Fun, Fun”. 22000033 Soul singer Edwin Starr, who had hits with “War” (#1), “Agent Double-O Soul” (#21) and “Twenty-five Miles” (#6), died of a heart attack at the age of 61.

Phil Collins started a two week run at #1 on the US singles chart with “One More Night”, his second US chart topper. The song reached #4 in the UK.

11999966 Phil Collins announced he was leaving Genesis after 25 years. He joined the band as drummer after the departure of John Mayhew in 1970 and became lead singer when Peter Gabriel left five years later.

David Lee Roth quit Van Halen shortly after releasing his version of The Beach Boys’, “California Girls”, which featured Carl Wilson on background vocals. Roth’s record actually sold slightly better than the original. He was replaced by Sammy Hagar later in the year.

Two former members of the 1950’s vocal group, The Teddy Bears filed suit in Los Angeles against producer Phil Spector and several labels. Carol Connors and Marshall Lieb alleged they had not received royalties from re-issues of their 1958 number one hit “To Know Him Is To Love Him”.

11998866 Sammy Hagar plays his first show as lead singer of Van Halen.

11999977 Ian Dury, the English rocker who initially rose to fame during the late 1970s as founder and lead singer of the British band, Ian Dury and the Blockheads, died of colorectal cancer a few weeks short of his 58th birthday.

220000 66 Former Village People policeman Victor Willis was arrested in San Francisco, California, after he disappeared from an ongoing drug and gun trial. Police had charged Willis with being in possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia in July 2005. He would later be sentenced to three years’ probation after he agreed to enter a treatment program.

Singer Joni Mitchell is reunited with Kilauren Gibb, the daughter she gave up for adoption 32 years earlier.

Tom Jones was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace for his services to music.

22000000 Jimmy Page won an undisclosed amount in a lawsuit against the British publication, Ministry Magazine, which had claimed that the guitarist watched his drummer, John Bonham die. Bonham had choked on his own vomit while sleeping and the magazine alleged that Page stood close by and cast a death spell while dressed in Satanic robes. The magazine also apologized and offered to pay Page’s legal bills. The money awarded to Page was donated to the Action for Brazil’s Children Trust.

22000077 Former Jefferson Airplane and Starship singer Grace Slick along with former manager Bill Thompson, filed a lawsuit in California federal court charging that another former member, Paul Kantner violated both trademark rights and an $80,000 legal settlement he signed in 1985 by using the name Paul Kantner’s Starship while touring.

Beatles records officially went on sale in Russia. O’Kelly Isley of the Isley Brothers died of a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 48. As a trio, the Isleys started as a Gospel group in the early 1950s, switching to R&B in the latter half of the decade. Their first big hit was “Shout” in 1959, followed in 1962 by the original version of “Twist and Shout”, later covered by the Beatles. The Isley Brothers’ biggest hit came in 1969 with the million-selling “It’s Your Thing.” 11998877 Often referred to as the world’s best drummer, Buddy Rich died of complications caused by a brain tumor. He was 69 years old. 11999922 The soundtrack to Wayne’s World was the number 1 album in the US. It featured the return to the charts of Queen’s, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, actually making the song a bigger hit the second time around. Tracks by Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Alice Cooper, as well as a new version of “Dream Weaver” from Gary Wright, were also included on the LP.

Billy Idol pleaded no contest to assault charges after he punched a woman in the face. He was fined and ordered to make public service announcements against alcohol and drug use.

While opening for KISS at a concert in Houston, Texas, Ted Nugent makes derogatory remarks about non-Englishspeaking Americans. His return date slated for next August is cancelled. 22000011 Brian Wilson was honored in a three hour tribute at New York’s Radio City Music Hall. Guest performances included Billy Joel singing “Don’t Worry Baby”, while Paul Simon sang an acoustic version of “Surfer Girl”. Wilson - Phillips made a rare

22 000044 Paul Atkinson, guitarist for The Zombies, lost his battle with liver and kidney disease. He was 58. The band’s biggest hits included “She’s Not There”, “Tell Her No” and “Time Of The Season”.

22001100 A private detective’s search for Olivia Newton-John’s former boyfriend, Patrick McDermott, was called off when McDermott sent photos and voice recordings to prove that he was alive and well. McDermott vanished at sea in 2005 and was believed to have drowned after a boating mishap, but has since been traced to the Mexican fishing village of Sayulita, where he was working as a deckhand. Newton-John split from McDermott the day before he disappeared and she went on to wed millionaire herb entrepreneur John Easterling in 2008.

11999944 Pink Floyd played their first concert in more than five years, opening a North American tour before more than 55,000 fans in Miami. Madonna caused trouble on the set of The Late Show With David Letterman. The network had to delete 13 offending words from the audio track before the show aired. An obviously annoyed Letterman told the singer “people don’t want language like that coming into their living room.” Madonna also handed Letterman a pair of her panties and told him to sniff them. He declined and stuffed them into his desk drawer. Robin Williams later described the segment as a “battle of wits with an unarmed woman.”

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

RUMOUR'S MILL to sceniccityrollerderby.com.

RRU UM MOOUU RR HH AASS IITT … … …RRee nneeee LLaaSSaall llee has left WDEF-TV for a anchor position at a Fox affiliate in North Carolina. Congratulations and good luck with your newest venture. I guess someone else will have to sing the National Anthem at the ballpark this summer. ...Scenic City Roller Derby will host their first member recruitment this Saturday, April 2 at Chattown Skatepark located behind First Tennessee Pavilion. Ladies ages 18 and up re invited to spot by between noon and 3pm to find out more about the roller derby and try out for the team. For more info go

…The former Mix location will be reopening soon. The club, which is yet to be named is being opened by one of the former owners of Voodoo Lounge – and no, not the one with an outstanding warrant. Good luck and welcome back to the neighborhood.

shown side by side! Be in the driver’s seat for the Dale Earnhardt Sr. racing simulator and visit the AMP Car trailer with XBOX gaming! Other activities include roller racing – the Roller Racer Challenge for two (free of charge)! And racecar tattoos available for kids – or the young at heart! A $1 donation for the tattoos is requested to benefit Lana’s Love Foundation (www.lanaslove.com). Racing-themed merchandise and food is also available. Log onto www.rubyfalls.com/racin for the complete schedule of events.

formed by the classic country string bands and songsters of the 1920s, ‘30s, & ‘40s. They also draw heavily from the melodies played and sung by the earliest settlers of America who brought their music from Ireland, Scotland, and England. TT hhee RRaam mbbll eerr ss are a four-piece string band. They incorporate the use of fiddles, mandolins, guitars, banjo, and voice.

…Racin’ @ Ruby is back again at Ruby Falls, this Saturday and Sunday, April 2nd and 3rd from noon to 6 pm. See the Dale Earnhardt Sr. No. 3 Car (actually raced by him) and Dale Earnhardt Jr. No. 88 AMP Car onsite – the only event these two cars have been

… Hamilton Fiddles with Flying Fingers Productions Presents mbblleerr ss at Barking the PPeeaa RRii ddggee RRaam Legs Theater Saturday, April 2 at 8:00 pm. $10 at the door, Doors open at 7:00. The music of the PPee aa RRiiddggee RRaa m mbbll eerrss is the traditional music of the South, defined as music per-

… RRoobbee rrtt D D ee NN iirr oo has signed on to star in Freelancers, a crime drama that will also star CCuurrttii ss ““5500 CCee nntt”” JJaacckkss oonn. JJaacckk ssoonn will play a young cop who is taken under the wing of his father’s former partner, a police captain played by D D ee N Nii rroo .

H ooll llyy w woooodd , ten …Dear H months and counting. Interest is being compounded daily. Your meter is running.

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12 Frazier avenue Monday - Saturday 11am - 3am ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

… Country star TT iim m MccG M Grr aaw w is celebrating the launch of his own commercial-free satellite radio station on Sirius XM with a special invition-only concert at New York’s Beacon Theater on April 27th. The concert will be broadcast live on three Sirius XM channels including Tim McGraw Radio.

Stone. “We’re really happy with the music so far. Being back with TT rree vvoorr sort of felt like going back in time, but it’s also really in the present. We’ve all grown a lot over the years.” The band is going to wrap up recording in late April and they hope to get the LP on shelves sometime this summer.

… LLii ll W Waayynnee is being sued D aarrii uuss ““DDee eezz llee ”” for $20 million by D H aarrrr iiss oonn, who claims that the rapper H and his labels Young Money Entertainment and Cash Money Records have not paid him for his work on several tracks from his 2008 album Tha Carter III, including the hit “Lollipop.”

… LLiiaa m m GG aall llaa gghhee rr opened BBeeaa ddyy EE yyee’’ss gig in London on Friday night with an unsubtle dig at his N ooeell and continestranged brother N O aass iiss bandued to mock his former O mate throughout the show. A furious bust-up between the British rock O aassii ss back in 2009 brothers ended O and the pair hasn’t spoken since, with Liam going on to form BBeeaaddyy …N Nii rrvvaannaa and SSoonniicc YY oouutthh EEyyee and NNooeell working on a solo will be reissuing out-of-print tour career. EPs from 1992 on vinyl for Record N iirr vvaannaa’’ss mM Moorr eellll oo has signed Store Day on April 16th. N … TToom Hormoaning EP was originally avail- with New West Records, setting a able on the band’s 1992 Australian late summer release for his third and Japanese tour, and features folk-oriented album under the N iigghh ttw waattcchh m maann name. tracks that were later included on N the Incesticide compilation. SSoonniicc YY oouutthh’’ss Whore’s Moaning, an EP Goorrhh aam m is think… SSccootttt G from the same tour, features a radio ing it may be time to bring the TThh iinn edit of “Sugar Kane” along with LLii zzzz yy boys back into the studio instrumentals and covers. Both reis- again. sues will be limited to 4,000 copies. Muurr rraayy could use fin… Dr. CC oonnrr aadd M …D DJJ M Meeggaattrr oonn , a hip-hop gerprints found on a syringe under Miicchh aaee ll JJaacckk ssoonn’’ss bed to prove the DJ who was a regular on BET’s pop- M ular music video show 106 & Park, singer killed himself. was shot dead on Sunday morning near his home on Staten Island. The … The owners of a California Web details of his murder are unclear, site that sold Beatles songs for 25 but his friends and family believe cents each before they went on sale that it was a random killing. legally through iTunes have agreed Meeggaattrr oonn , whose given name was to pay the band’s EMI Group label M CC oorr eeyy M MccG Grr iiffff , was 32. $950,000 to settle a copyright infringement lawsuit, court papers … Eight board members showed Monday. A federal judge Maa ddoonnnnaa’’ss ruled last December that Santa Cruzwho were fired from M Raising Malawi charity organization based Media Rights Technologies are suing for unfair dismissal and violated EMI’s copyrights by illegally non-payment of their benefits. selling the music of the BBee aattllee ss and Maaddoonnnnaa ousted the board of direc- other acts such as RRaaddii oohh eeaa dd, M tors after plans were scrapped to CC oollddppll aayy and BBoonnnnii ee RRaaiitttt on its build a $15 million school for impov- BlueBeat.com site in 2009. Media erished girls in Malawi due to severe Rights had claimed that financial mismanagement. The BlueBeat.com wasn’t posting the board members were accused by original material, but had re-recordauditors of extravagant expendi- ed the music and inserted artistic tures on cars, housing and various touches based on a technique called luxuries. ”psycho-acoustic simulation.” … Prog-rock giants YY eess Hoorr nn – have re-teamed with TTrr eevvoorr H the producer behind their massive 1983 hit “Owner Of A Lonely Heart” – to cut Fly From Here, the band’s first album of original material in 10 years. “In my opinion, Trevor is the best producer in the world,” YYeess bassist CC hhrr iiss SSqquu iirr ee tells Rolling

Annggii ee SSttoonnee — famous for songs …A like “No More Rain” — was arrested in Georgia Sunday ... TMZ has learned ... after the R&B singer was allegedly caught speeding on a susAnnggii ee was booked pended license. A on both the speeding charge and the suspended license charge and released an hour later.

… TT hh ee SSttrr ookk eess ’’ guitarist A Allbbee rr tt HHaam mm moonndd,, JJrr.. has opened up about the drug treatment he received while the band recorded their new Haa m mm moonndd JJrr .. didn’t album Angles. H name the specific type of drug he was being treated for, but called his ordeal “hardcore”. … Rapper RRii cckk RRooss ss has been arrested in Louisiana on a marijuana possession charge. Police spokesman BBii llll GG ooooddii nn said Monday that RRooss ss, W iill llii aam m RRoobbee rrttss whose real name is W IIII, was issued a misdemeanor summons and released after Friday night’s arrest. … According to New York Post’s Kaa ttyy PPeerr rryy ’’ss evangelist Page Six, K mother M Maarr yy PPee rr rryy H H uuddss oonn is reportedly shopping a book proposal, in which she discusses how her daughter’s suggestive lyrics, skimpy outfits and “foul-mouthed fiance” have tried her faith. A reported Kaattyy excerpt for the proposal: “”K stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter’s boobs…” H H uuddssoonn also proclaims her hopes for Katy to someday become some sort of a Kaa tthh rryy nn worship leader — “a K KKuuhhllm maann type of healer.” …Racin’ @ Ruby is back again at Ruby Falls, this Saturday and Sunday, April 2nd and 3rd from noon to 6 pm. See the Dale Earnhardt Sr. No. 3 Car (actually raced by him) and Dale Earnhardt Jr. No. 88 AMP Car onsite – the only event these two cars have been shown side by side! Be in the driver’s seat for the Dale Earnhardt Sr. racing simulator and visit the AMP Car trailer with XBOX gaming! Other activities include roller racing – the Roller Racer Challenge for two (free of charge)! And racecar tattoos available for kids – or the young at heart! A $1 donation for the tattoos is requested to benefit Lana’s Love Foundation (www.lanaslove.com). Racing-themed merchandise and food is also available. Log onto www.rubyfalls.com/racin for the complete schedule of events. If you know any truths, half-truths, or outright lies about the local music and club scene, send it to Sissy Vance c/o rumoursmill@enigmaonline.com.

According to Chattanooga State’s CMJ Report

1. FOO FIGHTERS 2. CAKE 3. RADIOHEAD 4. THE STROKES 5. BEADY EYE 6. IRON & WINE 7. MIDDLE BROTHER 8. ADELE 9. MOTHER MOTHER 10. LUCINDA WILLIAMS 11. OH LAND 12. NOAH & THE WHALE 13. R.E.M. 14. THE MTN. GOATS 15. TV ON THE RADIO 16. DROPKICK MURPHYS 17. PETER BJORN & JOHN 18. THE CARS 19. WOOD BROTHERS 20. DAVID LOWERY

ADVENTURE PICKS 1. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE 2. RAVEONETTES 3. ACID HOUSE KINGS

- Sissy Vance

ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

HOT COLLEGE T R A C K S

WWW.WAWL.ORG 27

Crossfade and Mighty Sideshow By: Hellcat

Crossfade is coming to Chattanooga. They are a post grunge rock band out of South Carolina, that made a pretty big splash on the charts from 2004 to present. First, signed with Columbia Records, their debut album produced three singles;

ensure your spot.

been going for all along. Alan Whitener: We always hear, “you guys are so much heavier live”, and now it’s rounded out stylistically. Steve Swanson: The tunes are moody. There is a lot to get out AW: Between Charm and now, we’ve gone through a lot more challenging times in general. In the last two years we’ve all had our own struggles. Personally, musically, all across the board, it’s just been trying. We’ve gone through injuries, financial issues, losing and then try-

Playing alongside Crossfade, will be our local boys, Mighty Sideshow. We have not heard a lot out of these guys in a pretty long time, and quite a few rumors have been flying around. One, in particular, that I heard was they disbanded completely, and a few others that just did not make any sense at all. The rumors are very far from the truth. The band has been working consistently on their music, while enduring a few struggles along the way, that according to the band, has only made them stronger. They should have a new album out in May, and are going into the studio this week Crossfade with producer, Jeff Tomei. Tomei “Cold”, “So Far Away”, and “Colors”. has produced for some bands that The album, went platinum and built may sound familiar to you. Such as, a pretty strong following. The 2006 Smashing Pumpkins, Matchbox 20, follow-up effort, Fading Away, was Jerry Cantrell, Corrosion of Mighty Sideshow met with equal success, producing Conformity, the list goes on. When three more singles: “Drown You I sat down to see what was going on ing to replace a member, all while Out”, “Invincible”, and “Already with our homegrown boys, this is trying to keep it together. But, we’ve been producing music consisGone”. Now, the band is out tour- what I found out: tently. Everything just finally came ing to support their latest album, We All Bleed, which comes out this Kevin Nelson: Anytime you lose or to a head. May, but has already released on replace something like a member of KN: The amount of time and money single, “Killing Me Inside”. They are the band, the elements change. The we’ve put into this band is unfathalso on a new label; Eleven Seven core Mighty Sideshow is there, but it omable to most people. Music. All you fans out there, go has expanded. It’s heavier than the Hellcat: Okay, so let’s talk about ahead and get your tickets, to last three albums. It’s what we have this losing and gaining a member business. AW: We mutually parted with Rodney Smith, our old guitarist. His personal life got too consuming, to put enough time and effort into the band. KN: When we confronted the situation, after a very long attempt at trying to work through the problems; we were not happy and he wasn’t either. So, it was done. After a long time of trying to make it work, it was a huge weight off of our shoulders and his. Keep in Enigma is looking to add to our sales staff. mind this all happened while we were putting down a new album. Interested parties should email to AW: We tried out several people info@enigmaonline.com. and continued working on our music. It took about 6 or 8 months to find the right fit, and then we No phone calls please. EOE welcomed Steve into the band. ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

HC: Who is this Steve? Steve, who are you? What is your deal? Steve Swanson: Well, I played for the original line-up of Soulbread, back in the 90’s, and then a band called Arrhythmia, and finally, Seven Under Suicide, until they disbanded. Alan got a hold of me to jam, and I really didn’t have to think twice about it. HC: What were you expecting and what did you find? SS: I expected to find professional musicians, from everything that I had heard, and that is exactly what I got. They have pushed me to be a better musician and guitarist, which is what I wanted. It was a little awkward, at first, finding my comfort zone, but now it feels natural. I am just psyched for people to hear the new stuff. HC: Kevin...Alan...same question. AW: I was expecting a comparable musician, but I wasn’t sure about the chemistry. Now, it seems like the perfect fit. KN: I didn’t know what to expect. I knew he would have a certain level of ability, which he does, but I also found that Steve is a pretty cool freakin’ dude, without a lot of drama, and that is what we needed. HC: Describe the new album in three words, go! AW: Personal, Vulnerable, Heavier KN: Engaging, Diverse, Creative SS: Intense, Raw, Thick KN: We just run from one genre to another, so it definitely diverse. AW: We’ve changed up some of our old stuff to make it more interesting and we have a new energy. We haven’t played in Chattanooga, in a while because we wanted to make sure that everything was just right, before we re-presented ourselves to our hometown. Come see for yourself! local music!

Support

Crossfade w/ Mighty Sideshow Rhythm and Brews April 5th, $12

BREAKING NEWS Cleveland, Tennessee to Acquire Expansion MLS Soccer Franchise CLEVELAND – Good news for regional sports fans as it is scheduled to be announced on April 1 that Cleveland, Tennessee has been granted a Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise.

callers. Sanchez showed up wearing his soon to be trademark brown necktie and a pair Arabian goggles he picked up when he was a reserve on the 2004 Olympic Soccer team in Athens, Greece.

“This is a great day for Cleveland and the surrounding region,” said mayor “With the growth in the region, the Tom Rowland. The new team will be growing diversity of the area, and the called the Cleveland Steamers. outstanding beauty of the neighboring mountains and its close proximity to a Team owner/operator Dirk T. Sanchez number of larger cities, the Cleveland says after seeing the growth in the area was an easy selection to place the Chattanooga/Cleveland/Dalton area Steamers,” Sanchez said. with VW opening a plant in Chattanooga as well as the Amazon “Much like I did in helping get VW to expansion both in Cleveland and Chattanooga, I am very proud in being Chattanooga, there will be wealth of able to help my neighboring mayor, diversity and interest in professional Tom Rowland secure the pro soccer soccer. franchise,” said Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. “It’s big, I tell you,” said Sanchez.

well as recruiting some of his old players from the Mudslides. specifically with his eye on goalie Duke Frombe, from Alaska. “I found him three years ago on a recruiting trip to Alaska. Somebody told me about a small team up there and I traveled to Anchorage to check them out. Duke is one heck of a goalie,” he says. Frombe played for two years with the Alaskan Fire Dragons of the NIASL.

“We’ll have a great team here for sure in a few years,” said Sanchez.

During one stretch he went six consecutive games without giving up a goal. “That’s unheard of,” said Sanchez. “He’s got hands like bear claws,” he adds. He won the league’s MVP trophy called the Roman War Helmet, named after the gladiators of battle.

A welcoming party is also planned with a hot lunch being served at the Bald Headed Bistro, also owned by Jones. “It will be a simple, American meal with plenty of flavor,” he said. On the simple menu is tossed salad, chicken cutlets broiled in a Dutch Oven, and Beat Cakes for dessert.” “Beat Cakes are actually a baker’s delicacy I discovered at the Olympic Village,” said Sanchez. The baker allowed me to bring home the recipe and I have shared it with the staff at Bald Headed Bistro,” he says.

Frombie led the Mudslides to two consecutive championship titles as well. He and right wing Chad Geit led the Mudslides to the 2010 championship hosted in Garland, Texas by convincingly downing the Arizona Flying Camels 4-0 for the title. While the Mudslides are a lot different from an MLS team, Sanchez believes the team will be competitive and has hinted that he was spoken with David Beckham’s agent and says the soccer superstar is interested in playing in Cleveland. Beckham said with his growing family the Cleveland/Chattanooga area is a great place to raise a child.

“I welcome these guys to my great town,” said Jones, who owns a majority of Cleveland. To help get the city in tune with major league soccer Jones has made arrangements to fly in Manchester United and the D.C. United to play an exhibition match on his backyard football field.

“I’m looking forward to consummating our relationship with Sanchez and MLS,” said Mayor Rowland. “This is just the cultural diversity we need to further our growth in the 21st century,” he added. “Trust me,” Sanchez said. “It won’t be long before the Cleveland Steamers leave their mark on southeast Tennessee and major league soccer.”

Other players of note that have been contacted are Gareth Barry and Quincy Amarikwa of the Colorado Rapids.

NEW WAVE, ALTERNATIVE CLASSICS & MORE

THE “Soccer is growing so fast now and this region is exceeding even Atlanta and Nashville in its interest level in the game.”

The team hopes to be up and running for 2012. They are currently surveying land in Cleveland for a facility. They have looked at using the infield at the Cleveland Motor Speedway off the 64 Sanchez, a flamboyant figure in profes- Bypass, but are also in negotiations sional soccer is making the next step with Check Into Cash philanthropist, into the big time himself, as he pur- Alan Jones to build one as well. chased the franchise rights for the region. He previously owned a minor “We have also talked with Nelson league franchise in California where he Bowers about acquiring the old Toyota owned the Pasadena Mudslides. of Cleveland property to use as team headquarters,” said Sanchez. “Being A flamboyant figure from his own play- right next to the speedway would make ing days when he played for the Red it an optimal acquisition if everything Wings in Bismarck, North Dakota, goes well,” he said. Sanchez was a recent guest on WOOPFM in Cleveland joining the station’s Sanchez says he is already looking at host Jeff “Fro Daddy Renfro to take signing a few free agents to the team as

RETRO C AFE IS B ACK! IS B ACK!

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

EXCLUSIVE

Mayor’s Office Agressively Tackles Crime Problem in Chattanooga CHATTANOOGA – Mayor Ron Littlefield announced his latest strategy in combating the local rise in gang activity and shootings in the Chattanooga area. “I credit my new initiative to the knowledge passed on to me by former President of the United States, Bill Clinton,” Littlefield told EMZ April 1. “Much like the military policy of the Clinton administration, we are implementing a “’Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy,” the mayor said. “It worked for Bob Corker’s mayoral term, therefore I am bringing it back.”

stop crime, Littlefield put his hands over both ears and started humming. “See? I can’t hear a thing you say and when I close my eyes at the same time I can’t see a thing,” the mayor said. “Try it,” he told the crowd. The gathered crowd proceeded to close their eyes, place their hands over their ears and began humming. “See any crime?” he asked. “See no evil, hear no evil, thus therefore we no longer have evil to speak about.”

“We should see the crime rate drop 20 to 30 percent in the first month that the initiative is put into affect,” said Littlefield Chief of Staff Dan When asked how that would Johnson. “And when crimes

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drop that fast we’ll be able to overflowing in cash with the adjust the budget. If things go money we’ll save by cutting well we will no longer need to the police budget.” pay for law enforcement since SHARE none will be reported,” he continued. “Within a year or two our coffers should be

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ENIGMA MARCH 31, 2011

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