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Thursday, April Fool’s Issue 2005 • Vol. 5150, No. 10
IF IT ’S N E W S,IT ’S N E W S T O U S
32 PAGES 1 SECTION
Election Fraud Uncovered! Ron Littlefield and Ann Coulter are the Same Person Darrin Webb Allegedly Implicated CHATTANOOGA – Former city commissioner and mayoral candidate Ron Littlefield was taken into custody by federal authorities for what is believed to be the biggest attempt of election fraud in the history of American politics.
“There’s no Ann Coulter?” asked current mayor Bob Corker. “That one went completely over my head,” he added. Aides reminded the diminutive mayor that a lot of things go over his
Littlefield went into detail of his dual life. “I saw the only way to get into the mayor’s office was through RiverCity. The writing was on the wall,” the veteran politician confessed. “I’m not a
The 58-year old Littlefield was booked and charged by the Federal Bureau of Investigation for attempting to fix the mayoral election through criminal impersonation. According to field agent Carey Blanton, Littlefield for the past eight years has been masquerading around as a woman by the name of Ann Coulter. This “Ann Coulter’ character is involved in a run-off with Littlefield for the office of mayor. “In layman terms, the man is a female impersonator,” said Blanton. “You mean there’s no Ann Coulter?’ asked third place finisher in the race Dan Johnson. “Does that mean I get to be mayor, then?” The authorities have codenamed the case, “Dude Looks Like A Lady” after the popular Aerosmith song. “It’s true”, Littlefield said through his attorney. “I thought I had figured out a way to finally win the coveted office of mayor that I’ve been after for over 16 years.”
He admitted to watched endless hours of “Tootsie’, Victor/Victoria”, “Mrs. Doubtfire”, and “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”. “I thought of watching ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ and ‘Glen or Glenda’, but they seemed a little too camp for me,” the disgraced politician said. Fellow city commissioners said that now that they think about it, there were some telltale signs. “I thought he was smelling a lot nicer lately,” commissioner William Cotton said. “I could have sworn he was wearing rouge at one meeting,” Sally Robinson added. “This confirms it. And I have to admit, Ann Coulter did seem to come out of nowhere.”
head. “Yeah, but I’m a lot taller when standing on my wallet,” he shot back. “This massive undertaking was a masterstroke that would of gone undetected except for a few slip ups,” Blanton continued. Both Ken Hays and Jon Kinsey scratched their heads in disbelief. “You mean he was actually a RiverCity partner?” asked Hays.
Littlefield came up with the name Ann Coulter out of the blue one day while watching At Large With Geraldo Rivera. “It just came to me in a vision – a blonde one at that,” he admitted.
A few unidentified RiverCity employees admit things were a little strange around the non-profit group’s office. “I caught ‘Ann’ accidentally walk into the men’s room. She then would make an about face and go in the ladies room.” One unnamed source at the company said they witnessed this standing at the urinal. “She quipped to us that she just wanted to be treated like one of the boys which I made mention of it,” he said.
Then the long process of taking on a second identity began for Littlefield.
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developer - I’m definitely no good with Lincoln Logs, so this seemed the most logical way to do it.”
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