Local Business Owner Plnd Run for Sheriff
End of An Era? Local Personality Ponders Retirement A-7
Candidate to run on discipline platform
Chattanooga Enigma Conundrum Where to Go - What to Do www.enigmaonline.com
Thursday, April Fool’s Issue 2005 • Vol. 5150, No. 10
IF IT ’S N E W S,IT ’S N E W S T O U S
32 PAGES 1 SECTION
Election Fraud Uncovered! Ron Littlefield and Ann Coulter are the Same Person Darrin Webb Allegedly Implicated CHATTANOOGA – Former city commissioner and mayoral candidate Ron Littlefield was taken into custody by federal authorities for what is believed to be the biggest attempt of election fraud in the history of American politics.
“There’s no Ann Coulter?” asked current mayor Bob Corker. “That one went completely over my head,” he added. Aides reminded the diminutive mayor that a lot of things go over his
Littlefield went into detail of his dual life. “I saw the only way to get into the mayor’s office was through RiverCity. The writing was on the wall,” the veteran politician confessed. “I’m not a
The 58-year old Littlefield was booked and charged by the Federal Bureau of Investigation for attempting to fix the mayoral election through criminal impersonation. According to field agent Carey Blanton, Littlefield for the past eight years has been masquerading around as a woman by the name of Ann Coulter. This “Ann Coulter’ character is involved in a run-off with Littlefield for the office of mayor. “In layman terms, the man is a female impersonator,” said Blanton. “You mean there’s no Ann Coulter?’ asked third place finisher in the race Dan Johnson. “Does that mean I get to be mayor, then?” The authorities have codenamed the case, “Dude Looks Like A Lady” after the popular Aerosmith song. “It’s true”, Littlefield said through his attorney. “I thought I had figured out a way to finally win the coveted office of mayor that I’ve been after for over 16 years.”
He admitted to watched endless hours of “Tootsie’, Victor/Victoria”, “Mrs. Doubtfire”, and “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”. “I thought of watching ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ and ‘Glen or Glenda’, but they seemed a little too camp for me,” the disgraced politician said. Fellow city commissioners said that now that they think about it, there were some telltale signs. “I thought he was smelling a lot nicer lately,” commissioner William Cotton said. “I could have sworn he was wearing rouge at one meeting,” Sally Robinson added. “This confirms it. And I have to admit, Ann Coulter did seem to come out of nowhere.”
head. “Yeah, but I’m a lot taller when standing on my wallet,” he shot back. “This massive undertaking was a masterstroke that would of gone undetected except for a few slip ups,” Blanton continued. Both Ken Hays and Jon Kinsey scratched their heads in disbelief. “You mean he was actually a RiverCity partner?” asked Hays.
Littlefield came up with the name Ann Coulter out of the blue one day while watching At Large With Geraldo Rivera. “It just came to me in a vision – a blonde one at that,” he admitted.
A few unidentified RiverCity employees admit things were a little strange around the non-profit group’s office. “I caught ‘Ann’ accidentally walk into the men’s room. She then would make an about face and go in the ladies room.” One unnamed source at the company said they witnessed this standing at the urinal. “She quipped to us that she just wanted to be treated like one of the boys which I made mention of it,” he said.
Then the long process of taking on a second identity began for Littlefield.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 6
developer - I’m definitely no good with Lincoln Logs, so this seemed the most logical way to do it.”
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enigma March 31, 2005
W H A T ’ S UP?????? W HAT ’ S UP??????
SPRING PLANTING TIME Legendary frontman for the legendary Brit-hard rock act Robert Plant will be in Chattanooga on a special tour. He will be at Rhythm and Brews to see Led Zeppelin tribute band Zoso. The crooner who invented the term “cock rock” is scheduled to actually front Zoso’s first set. Tickets for the special show are on sale now. Plant will be signing copies of his autobiography, “Turn the Page” and will be at the venue at 6:00 pm. Anyone who buys two autographed copies of his book will received a voucher for free admission to the club. Go to www.rhytm-brews.com for more details.
CAUGHT IN THE ACT Soulcrush will be playing an acousitc set Wednesday night at the Voodoo Lounge downtown.
CAN YOU DIG IT? Funk, electronica, jazz ensemble, Infradig are playing The Local on April Fools’ Day - no fooling. The locl band is constantly touring around the country (no fooling either), so get out and check them out before you have to pay a real cover charge to see them.
THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS 5
enigma April Fools, 2005
MAYORAL RUNOFF CONTINUED ON PAGE 1
“I admit, the silky undergarments do feel nice, especially if there’s a breeze blowing. The Internal Revenue Service has been called in on the case also. The Ann Coulter campaign raised over $400,000 for her/his election campaign. “That doesn’t include the money Littlefield raised as himself,” chief prosecutor in the case Gary Humble said.
as Ann Coulter. Receiving a tip from someone inside of RiverCity, ace freelance reporter and well-known busybody Robert T. Nash started to follow the former city commissioner around. “He did a really good job of fooling everyone for a long time, dude,” Nash said.
Catch Me If You Can was a file labeled “Project Lola”. I knew I hit paydirt,” Nash beamed.
Littlefield started to slip up on his
Many
The file outlined Littlefield’s plan to dissolve RiverCity and every splinter private/public partnership that was in existence. wondered
how
Members of the Mountain City Club were up in arms over the revelation. “Not only do we not like Littlefield, he’s not even a member here,” one of the wealthy patrons said. The Mountain City Club members were responsible for 80 percent of the campaign funds raised. Members were up in arms yelling election fraud, and theft by deception. They were then reminded that none of them live within the city limits and could not legally vote in the election. “Oh,” one of them said as he sat down in his overstuffed leather chair. Littlefield’s ruse was working well until he started getting too comfortable
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Littlefield attempted to justify his actions. “If what I did was wrong, isn’t that an indictment on our electoral system?” he asked. “And if that’s so, isn’t it an indictment on our entire political system? And I put it to you, Chattanooga isn’t this an indictment of our American society in general?” At that point federal authorities attempted to quiet Littlefield down, as he was becoming more and more agitated.
The prosecutor went on the say there was going to be an investigation to determine convicted felon Darrin Webb’s involvement. “Why not? He’s involved with every other criminal case I’m trying right now.” Blanton and Humble said they will look into allegations that Brock Bonding gave campaign donations to both parties. “It could of happened,” Humble said. “They’ve donated to every other election campaign in the tri-state area.” His suspicions are founded in the admission that Mike Brock, the elder of the two Brocks is best friends with Webb.
shell said, holding back tears. I’d much rather be known for being Mr. Belding than Carson Dailey’s exfiancé.”
“Well, you can do what you want to me, but I’m not going to sit here and listen as you bad-mouth the United States of America,” Littlefield said standing up.
Chattanooga native Dennis Haksis and Hollywood party girl, Tara Reid throught they go the parts “of a lifetime”.
attire when dressed as this Coulter woman. On occasion he arrived at work wearing wingtips instead of heels with the tailored dresses he was masquerading in.
Littlefield/Coulter pulled the wool over so many eyes. The Enigma Conundrum uncovered documentation that revealed that Littlefield hired actors to portray family members.
“Ann was always know at RiverCity as fun-loving prankster,” said Hays. I always thought the wingtips were just her way of having a little fun at the office.
Chattanooga native, Dennis Haskins, known to millions as “Mr. Belding”, portrayed Coulter’s husband. “That’s right, I did it,” Haskins confessed. “You try living down this ‘Saved By the Bell’ crap”. If anyone calls me Mr. Belding again at the mall, I’m going to kick the crap out of ‘em,” he added. “I’ve got range, I tell you!”
It was then that Nash busted Littlefield. Upon snooping through the dumpsters outside of RiverCity, the ace reporter discovered that Coulter’s 1996 Volvo 940 wagon with 238,000 miles was unlocked. Resting on the back seat beside a copy of
Actress/party girl Tara Reid portrayed the daughter. “Josie and the Pussycats ruined my career,” the blonde bomb-
Authorities quickly grabbed the mayoral candidate(s) and led him off to a holding cell. Once there he attempted to make bail by calling Brock Bonding. In the cell he was reminded by one of the inmates that Brock was no longer in business in Hamilton County. “Bastards.” He groused. “This is indeed a shock,” Kinsey said. It may take RiverCity a while to heal as our plan to take control – I mean beautify the city needs to be reorganized. At press time the charges against Littlefield/Coulter were still being tabulated. “And I’m the one authorities think is a menace to society?” Webb retorted through his new court-appointed attorney. “Anybody have a light?” Dan Johnson asked once again, “Does this mean I get to be mayor?”
ROSSVILLE, GA – Choking back tears bravely at a press conference at Sir Goony’s Fun Center, Dewayne Gass announced his resignation from the title of “Big Kahuna” effective June 1.
ture such as “Beads, Beer and Babes,” and “Big Booty Contest”. Gass, however doesn’t plan to leave the town with a void to fill. He is holding what is being called “Kamp
Mike Costa. “If he [Gass] would have retired a year ago we’d all still be at Fox.” The six-week camp will include many phases with a big audition in
The 20-year media mogul and personality has decided to step aside from his duties as the city’s number one party emcee to join the world of corporate America. The resignation comes three weeks after Gass accepted a management position with Clear Channel Entertainment as Promotion and Stunt Coordinator. While Gass wouldn’t allow, it is believed that his new corporate salary will be in the high six-figure range.
“It’s time for me to walk off into the sunset while I still can under my own power,” Gass said. Many pundits in the area say Gass’ decision to retire as the Big Kahuna has to do with his impending marriage to his longtime beau, Micah. “That, and I want to save my knees for when my boy Josh is a little older so I can school him on the basketball court,” the media mogul continued.
“We finally reeled in the big dog we needed to move Clear Channel further into the new millennium,” said Sammy George, general manager of the media conglomerate. Gass, single-handedly was the stations’ number one client handling budgets for such enterprises as Governor’s Lounge, Sir Goony’s, Hawaiian Tropic, and the Haunted Carnival just to name a few.
William Eubank, sales manager for Clear Channel said he’s glad to have Gass on the “same side” now. For many years to two butted heads over how big the Big Kahuna really was. “Who knows, I might even get an invitation to his wedding,” the Clear Channel executive said. “I wonder if I’ll have to spring for a gift, though?”
“He’s made lots of money for everyone involved and we believe he can expand on this success in a larger arena at Clear Channel”, George continued. Gass has a long history in the media here. The Rossville native began as a radio deejay before finding success as a club owner of nightspots like Shenanigan’s and Sunset Cafe. He is also the individual responsible for bringing karaoke to Chattanooga. “You guys will never let me live that one down, will you?” Gass quipped. In 1995 Gass launched the moderately successful TV show, “Chattanooga Live” which enjoyed an eight-year run on local cable television. Most recently he has been the ringmaster of “Wild Wednesday” at Governor’s Lounge where many phrases have been added to pop cul-
music to play that will get women to dance provocatively, how to have interactive fun and games with cold cuts and whipped cream, how to distinguish what a “big booty” is, as well as how to toast properly. Other classes include teaching guys the proper way to maintain and groom a mullet, as well as work on basketball skills and bead tossing. There will be special skill training in skydiving and keg tossing.
enigma April Fools, 2005
THE BIG KAHUNA HAS RUN OUT OF GASS
Kahuna”. Gass will take applications during the next three Wednesdays at Governor’s to train some lucky guy to be the next Kahuna. These applicants will then go through a tough six-week boot camp to learn how to be the life of the party. Fox 61 executives are looking at the possibility of filming the boot camp and making it a local reality show called “Looking For the Next Kahuna”. The local Fox affiliate is in negotiations with Newschannel 9 to help produce the show since they had to sell off most of their camera equipment when the news department went belly up a year ago. “This sounds intriguing,” said the ABC-affiliate’s general manager
front of a live audience during the seventh inning stretch at BellSouth Park during the Lookouts homestand with the Atlanta Braves’ AA affiliate on August 14. “Well, we’re always trying to do new and interesting things to get people interested in minor league ball,” Lookouts’ owner Frank Burke said. “We’ve learned in the past that if you blow things up or get someone like the San Diego Chicken here, people will come. With this we’ll be figuratively killing two birds with one stone as we crown the next Big Kahuna and see some people bomb in front of a crowd,” he added. The in-depth courses will cover many facets of being a big Kahuna. They will learn how to choose
“All I know, whoever takes Dewayne’s place has some mighty big shoes to fill,” George said. “And I should know, I’ve gone to the shoe store with him.” In related news, Comcast Cable and Vivid Home Video announced they are releasing “Chattanooga Live” on DVD over the next year. Seasons one and two will be released on July 17 with the remainder being released in three-month intervals. The DVDs will include commentary by Gass and other cast members, a tribute to the late Cathy Bagby, as well as never before seen footage of Gass with Sheriff John Cupp, radio personality Parker Smith, and rave footage. Included in the set will be copies of x-rays of the star’s back after he fell from a plane skydiving.
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enigma March 31, 2005
KAHUNAMAN
SEZ A message for the Class of 2005 Its spring break and that means it is almost time for graduation. High school graduates are ready to conquer the world. College graduates are ready to change it. And in many cases already believe their college mentor “ P r o f e s s o r Ismokadopealot” has given them the blue print for changing society. I salute
“Sheeple” I feel I must help direct our youth in a way that cuts through the crap, clears their minds and allows them to recognize just how easy it is to all the future grads for the become President, Dictator persistence and dedication or News Reporter. I believe that has brought them to that each of these people the cusp of world domina- reach their apex in the tion and I offer you three same manner and together. words of advice for sur- The only thing separating vival. them is motivation and goals. Maybe morals, but Perception becomes reali- that is subjective. ty.
these pages and I offer you these examples. They are timeless and forever.
One thing I assure you “ Control the mob and you control Rome.”
Perception: The Internet will take the place of all entertainment, commerce and sex. Tech stocks soar even though in most cases they were worth less than that Psychology degree your holding.
Those three words are some of my favorite guidelines to surviving in this media crazy world we live in. Many people would say, Kahunaman you really should have given them the four word lecture and have inserted the word “often” but in this world of
Are you with me, can you grasp these smidgens of wisdom and nuggets of knowledge that I offer thee at no charge today? I am telling you the truth on
Ancient Rome: Perception: Caesar is God. Was he? No. But that was perception and since “it’s not good to upset God and if the lions are hungry and the store is out of Lion Chow then Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye, Christian.
*****Note to Physiology
THE HOMETOWN HOTTIE CONTEST YOU COULD BE ON THE PAGES OF MAXIM
AT GOVERNOR’S FINALS
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WEDNESDAY, APRIL
6
WHERE EVERY WEDNESDAY IT’S BEADS, BEER & BABES
the coolest prank ever with national TV exposure, an article in Rolling Stone m a gazine and thousands of looks at us were cool promos.
Flashback two years ago. Perception: “KISS FM RIOT” at Sir Goony’s. Was it? No.
This year I suggest that someone say that April 1st is animal appreciation day The April Fool’s joke gone on wbowwowwow FM and bad. Did it? Not really. One offer Free animal neutering local TV station camera- and food for a month at a man was trying to instruct local pet store parking lot. some camera hungry teens to act up when the camera As proud owners show up was rolling, but it was as with their little babies I sugfake as the fan who is gest that some actors with bored stiff until someone their cute little furry budsez “you’re on the dies are in line first. Jumbotron” and suddenly that person is Dickey V’s Just as the line gets restlove child. less the clinic opens and the first adorable hound is KISS spun the “Riot” into brought into the tent by
Oh Lord, I have become my mother! Now, I don’t mean that in any bad sort of way...I mean it in the kinda way where you catch yourself doing or saying something and it sounds like Momma. Mommas worry about their children and their mail and their yards and the way everything looks to everybody else. Mommas don’t care what it takes just so long as nothing will embarrass the family. Today, I stopped by the mail box and inside was a letter from the IRS. I immediately panicked and had dire thoughts of prison running through my head. Before I even opened the envelope I had already decided what to
even opened the envelope I had already decided what to tell the children as to why Daddy was in jail and why I’d be gone for a while and not there to tuck them in at night. I thought about how all the neighbors would talk and how all the relatives would hold me up as a bad example for their families. As I slowley opened the envelope, it occurred to me that I was acting like my dear old sainted Mother. I opened the envelope and found nothing more than the e-mail address where I could file online. At this point, I started thinking of all the other little things I do like Momma. I admit I am guilty of everytime I hear an ambulance I just
one of the stations actors. The tent door closes….a chain saw fires up and pre recorded canine screams are played. Then as the tent door opens the pretend vet steps out with the chainsaw and the remaining actors and their pets run screaming towards their cars. April Fools! Did I mention that I have a new job? I hold a position where all mankind could be affected by the slightest stroke of my…….pen. I have at my diposal resources so vast that all things are possible.
know a kid of mine is involved. I am guilty of telling my 24 year old son to pull his pants up. Why, because it might look bad on the family when he wears his britches half-assed. I must admit that I never thought I would care what other people thinks about my yard. Now, if the grass isn’t cut and the mulch isn’t just right, I’m afraid the neighbors will think we’re trash. The other day, I even caught myself telling my son to change pants because of a bleach spot on his jeans. I constantly remind my kids that money doesn’t grow on trees and they need to save for a “rainy day”. (How many times have I heard that?) I
Will I use this new power to save mankind? Probably not, but I do plan to throw some kick-ass summer parties. I know your thinking, that all sounds a lot like marketing.
enigma March 31, 2005
grads, your degree and my words could help you conquer the world, but you already knew that, didn’t you.
Yeah. And it took how many years of higher education for you to come to that conclusion?
Example: Gladiator The Romans understood that more people would buy a quality video production where the main characters name was Maximus opposed to say…. Richard
even catch myself telling my son he needs to be home before 1 a.m. because nothing good can come from being out that late. See what I mean when I say I’m starting to sound like Momma? I was the type of son who always tried to mind Momma. I was the type of son who would do anything to keep from hurting my Momma’s feelings, but, I was also the type of son who thought what Momma didn’t know wouldn’t hurt Momma. Many is the night I wouldn’t even get started until 1 a.m. and I couldn’t care less is I had a spot on my jeans or the butt torn out. And yard work...that was something to be avoided at all cost!
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enigma March 31, 2005
The Schiavo-Jacko-Pope-O Watch Right next to the headline about the 300 victims of the earthquake in Thailand was the announcement of the new mega, 740-calorie-heftin’, telldieting-to-take-hike, giganto breakfast sandwich from Burger King. It was our latest effort to make bulging SUVs of ourselves side-by-side with yet another calamity, on the heels of the tsunami, to hit that part of the world. Thailand is far away. Burger King is down the street.
been overlooked in the riot incited by the Governor of Florida, the President, and Congress. But the politicos have what they want. The judiciary is going down. No more bench decisions. No more jury trials. Trial by
brought on by our looksobsessed culture. More hearts will stop, more brains will be starved of oxygen, and more feeding tubes will have to be pulled. If we are going to fight to save a life, then we need to do it soon-
left. It wins every award for strangeness hands down. Again, no one stepped forward strongly enough and early enough to speak to either side in this mess to say, “You are going too far here. Stop.” Stupidity and lack of attention leaves debris. But that Michael sure could dance. If someone could just take him back in time, and let him make those moves again.
This is one of our problems: mind rot based on savage juxtaposition. How can anyone remain conscious after being flailed daily with this sort of proximate disproportionality? It’s like eating dinner with someone who says, “Pass the butter, please. Oh, I blew up my school today.”
Pope Jean Paul is one tough dude. He took a bullet a long time ago, and he keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny. So what if he can’t speak. He doesn’t have to. But we continue to live in a world where someone actually thought it was a good idea to shoot the Pope. They actually thought it was a good idea.
Would you pass this person the butter?
How wrong can you be? Probably. I saw him once when he visited Washington, D.C. before he got shot. He made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. And I was thirty yards away. And I’m not Catholic. My hair doesn’t stand on end with every person I meet. Most of the time it just lies there.
The world may be a tragic place, but Burger King has a sandwich to sell. We have become the epitome of “bread and circuses.” We can’t last long without either. Right now, we have massive diversions to keep us going. We are simultaneously on a devoted Schiavo-Jacko-Pope-O Watch, and we slaver for every detail. Every flake in the forest has come to see Terri Schiavo die like it was the second coming. I heard about a women who couldn’t get into the hospice where Terri is housed to see her grandfather, who just happened to be in the same hospice. She missed his death by one minute. The nutcases had blockaded her. You see, there are actually other people dying there who have
I saw Jerry Falwell live. My hair didn’t stand on end. gang from now on. This could be the death knell of something far bigger than a poor woman who got where she is because of her bulimia fifteen years ago. She was a very attractive woman from the pictures I have seen of her, and no one came forward to try to save her then when it might have mattered. And she is not the only woman to suffer from this mental disease partly
FIND OUT WHAT EVERYBODY’S CRAZY ABOUT!
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GO ONLINE TO SEE WHAT’S GOING ON IN CHATTANOOGA AND THE SURROUNDING ARA. UPDATED REGULARLY. CONCERT CALENDAR, PICTURES, STAY UP TO www.enigmaonline.com
I saw Ronald Reagan live. My hair didn’t stand on end.
er. Anyone even remotely involved in either side of the Michael Jackson trial, including the people covering it, ought to dragged fifty miles out to sea and
I saw Jack Kennedy live. My hair didn’t stand on end. No, the Pope made my hair stand on end. So, I guess that means
P.O. Box 825 Chattanooga, TN 37401 (423) 267-6072 Fax: (423) 265-0120 email eggman@vol.com
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My sports-hating spouse has figured out that that the spacetime continuum loses all sense of meaning during athletic events. The “two minute” warning in a football game means there could be anything from five to 30 minutes left. Time typically passes a bit faster during basketball games. She wanted to see “60 Minutes” last Sunday night. I wanted to watch the end of the Kentucky-Michigan State game. Mike Wallace and his gang had to wait until the ball game was over. My S H S agreed to watch the last two minutes of the WildcatsSpartans game that w o u l d earn one of them a trip the F i n a l Four. It was about 7:10 p.m. at this point. (Something tells me this scene was probably repeated in thousands of America’s living rooms.) If you watched the game, you know what happened. Michigan State survived two overtimes to hand Kentucky a heart-breaking loss and advance to St. Louis. “60 Minutes” came on a little after 8 p.m. The “two minutes” stretched into about 50 minutes, thanks largely to the referees’ long delay in analyzing the overtime-inducing three-pointer of Wildcat guard (and former Chattanooga resident) Patrick Sparks. What an amazing game... and the SHS was fairly tolerant of the extended delay... ...Last weekend’s “Elite Eight” games were all jewels. A couple of weeks ago, I shared the sad fact that I had become a bit jaded by college basketball. Recent events have helped me rekindle my love affair with NCAA hoops. I’m totally psyched about watching the Final Four. I am reminded yet again that the 64-team, singleelimination tournaments (both men’s and women’s) are incredibly fair, profitable and exciting.
enigma March 31, 2005
FANTASTIC FOUR I’m also reminded that the socalled Bowl Championship Series in college football is a travesty. When undefeated teams don’t get a chance to play for a national title, something is terribly wrong... ...But enough about that. Let’s look at the Final Four draws. Illinois faces Louisville in one semi. North Carolina takes on Michigan State in the other. The smart money is on a CarolinaIllini final. T h e Tarheels have been the most dominant team in the tourna ment so far. Sean May looks like a man among boys out there. Marvin Williams, Raymond Felton and Rashad McCants will also have big NBA contracts someday. But you can’t rule out the sheer guts of Tom Izzo’s Spartans. I can’t wait to see MSU’s Paul May square off against May. If I were betting, though, I’d put my green on the Carolina blue... ...Both Louisville and Illinois had to make miraculous comebacks to earn their trips to St. Louis. Dee Brown and the Illini have been the top team in the country for most of the year. Rick Pitino has transformed the Cardinals and become the first coach in NCAA history to take three different teams to the Final Four. Basketball analysts put Pitino on a pedestal, but I think this game comes down to performance under pressure. Illinois has been in the spotlight all year and won a lot of big games. Louisville’s run ends in the semi game to set up an Illini-Tarheels final. And I’ll go with UNC in the title game, just for old time’s sake... ...Last weekend reminded me of UT-Chattanooga’s amazing Sweet 16 run... and how close the Mocs came to the Elite Eight. If Johnny
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enigma March 31, 2005
MONEY MANAGEMENT
DON’T BE AN APRIL FOOL THIS TAX SEASON The best way to take charge of your tax bill is to make sure you understand the effect of tax rules on your particular situation. The Tennessee Society of Certified Public Accountants (TSCPA) points out that failing to understand the law can not only make you an “April Fool,” but can be costly as well. Here are some true taxpayer stories that highlight valuable tax lessons. GET EDUCATED ON TAX DEDUCTIBLE JOB EXPENSES After two-and-a-half years with an international consulting company, “Sam” left to begin a full-time MBA program. After graduation, he became an investment banker with Morgan Stanley. On his tax return, he deducted nearly $35,000 as education expenses. The IRS denied the deduction. Lesson learned: Don’t expect Uncle Sam to foot the bill for education expenses associated with career changes. Unreimbursed employee education expenses are deductible only if they are incurred to maintain or improve job skills in current employment or to meet the state’s or employer’s requirements for keeping the position. Your Income Tax, 19.16 Yuanqiang Zhang, TC Summary Opinion 2003-58 DEPENDENCY EXEMPTIONS: PUT WAIVERS IN WRITING In a divorce situation, the custodial parent has the right to claim the dependency
exemption. However, in some instances the custodial parent may allow the noncustodial parent to claim the deduction. One father thought he had the right to claim an exemption for his son because the divorce decree, signed by his former wife, indicated that as long as he kept up with his child support payments, she would sign the necessary waiver or Form 8332 that would give him the right to claim the exemption. Despite keeping up his part of the bargain, she never completed the form or put the waiver in writing. He went ahead and claimed the deduction, which the IRS denied. Lesson learned: The custodial parent must sign an explicit waiver of the exemption or complete Form 8332. Since the custodial parent did not sign a waiver or complete Form 8332 for the non-custodial parent to attach to his tax return, the father does not have the right to claim a deduction. Your Income Tax 40.12 Joe D. White, TC Summary Opinion 2003-18 Emotional distress CAN BE TAXing One employee sued her employer for discrimination under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. An out-of-court settlement was reached, and the employee received $10,000, less applicable withholding, as compensation for lost pay and another $35,000 for her claim of emotional distress. The employee thought the $35,000 was tax free compensation under Code Section 104(a)(2) for emotional distress due to physical ill-
ness. The IRS assessed tax on the income. Lesson learned: Under Code Section 104(a)(2), a taxpayer may exclude from gross income damages received due to personal physical injuries or sickness. The law specifies that emotional distress by itself does not generally qualify for the exclusion. There are two exceptions: (1) amounts paid by the taxpayer for medical care attributable to emotional distress can be excluded from income; and (2) damages for emotional distress attributable to a physical injury or sickness can be excluded from income.
ment-related taxes from the recipient’s cash compensation. Holiday gifts (other than cash) that have a low fair market value are generally considered “de minimus” and are not subject to taxes. IRS Technical Advice Memorandum 200437030 There’s no avoiding the complexity of tax laws. However, you can avoid becoming a tax-time “April Fool” by understanding how the rules affect your particular situation and getting help from a CPA. Lynn Battles, CPA
Your Income Tax 11.7 Tonia V. Cates, TC Summary Opinion 2003-15 NOT ALL GIFTS ARE TAX FREE One employer gave its workers holiday gift baskets consisting of turkeys and hams. Some employees complained that they were vegetarians, so the employer decided to give gift certificates instead. Unfortunately, the IRS required employees to pay income tax on the gift, and payroll taxes had to be withheld as well. Because the gift certificates set specific cash values, they did not escape being included in the employees’ income as “de minimus fringe benefits.” Lesson learned: All fringe benefits, unless specifically excluded by law, are taxable to employees based on their fair market value, and the employer is responsible for withholding all appropriate federal income and other employ-
Money Management is a weekly column on personal finance prepared and distributed by the Tennessee Society of Certified Public Accountants, and written by its Chattanooga Chapter president, Lynn Battles, CPA. Battles is controller of The Baylor School, Inc., in Chattanooga. Members of the Tennessee Society of Certified Public Accountants are CPAs residing and practicing primarily in Tennessee in all areas of public accounting, education, government, business and industry. Its Chattanooga Chapter is one of eight chapters across the state and has more than 850 members in 10 Chattanooga area counties. TSCPA offers a speakers bureau for many types of business and educational engagements. For details, visit www.tscpa.com. TSCPA is headquartered in Brentwood, Tenn.
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EELL M MA A TTA AD DO ORR – –O OO OLLTTEEW WAAH H We visited El Matador Mexican Restaurant at 9203 Lee Highway on a recent Friday evening. There were very few empty tables and people were constantly coming in. I had heard a few complaints about this restaurant so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but we were pleasantly surprised. After we were seated, a friendly server brought our chips and took our drink orders. I ordered a serving of Cheese Dip and Wayne ordered his usual Tomatillo Sauce. We were both pleased with our orders – the Cheese Dip had a thicker consistency than a lot of places serve, making it stay on the chips better. Wayne said the Tomatillo Sauce had a slightly different taste from the norm and he liked it enough to order a second serving. Our orders arrived in approximately ten minutes. Wayne ordered the Enchiladas Supremas ($6.75) – four rolled corn tortillas, one each of beef, chicken, cheese and bean topped with enchilada sauce,
enigma March 31, 2005
TH T HE E DI D IS SH H cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. Served with rice and beans. I ordered The Laredo combination ($6.45). This is where you get to select three choices from their list. I chose the Tostaquac, Taco and Tamale. This is also served with Mexican Rice and Refried Beans. I enjoyed the meal, but especially the Tamale, which was wrapped in a corn husk. It seems a lot of the Mexican restaurants have gotten away from this and to me when the Tamale is cooked in the husk it adds a special flavor to it. I would like to have tried the Homemade Mexican Chili but I knew I wouldn’t have room with my meal – and I definitely didn’t need the extra food. Another listing I noticed on their menu was Sandwiches. I don’t recall seeing Sandwiches listed on a Mexican menu before – other than a Cheeseburger – but here we found Mexican Cheese Steak, Patty Melt, and Fajita Sandwiches among others. Not only do they have a sizeable menu, but El Matador has one of the larger
Vegetarian menus – sixteen items. They haven’t forgotten the Kids menu either.
- Janet Wilson
Lunch specials are served Monday through Friday from 11:00 until 2:30 and are priced from $4.25 to $6.75. The main menu has very reasonable prices ranging from $5.95 to $11.45.
ChattanoogaDineOut.com has submitted this article to Enigma for publication. It may not be reproduced, all or in part, without the expressed written consent of Chattanooga Dine Out.
We were quite pleased with our visit to the Ooltewah El Matador. The chips were fresh and warm and the food was also fresh and served very hot. Everyone we encountered working there was very cordial and friendly.
Chattanooga Dine Out is devoted solely to reviewing restaurants in Chattanooga and the surrounding areas. For a complete directory of area restaurants, including all reviews, visit www.Chattanoogadineout.com
El Matador is open daily.
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enigma March 31, 2005
WEIRD NEWS Acc ttss oo ff SS ttuupp iiddiittyy A • In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. • Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. • A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. • The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
• Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. • Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. LINDALE, Texas - Smith County Constable Dennis Taylor recently received the strangest case in his life. A pair of thieves dismantled an entire three-bedroom brick house in the East Texas town of Lindale and carried it away until a pile of dirt was all that remained. When Taylor first got the call reporting a stolen house, he asked, “Is is a trailer house, ma’am?” “No, it’s a brick house,” the real estate company representative replied. The alleged crooks, Brandon Parmer and Darrell Maxfield, spent three months carting away bricks and shingles. They worked slowly during the daylight hours without being questioned about their work. Apparently, people assumed that it was the work of two retail stores laying new foundations nearby. Authorities believe the suspects took apart the house and sold it for drugs.
York’s art museums may have noticed some artwork that was out of place. Over the past two weeks, a British prankster has secretly hung his own artwork, some of them carrying an anti-war message, in four major New York museums. The man, who refers to himself as “Banksy,” entered all the museums during regular visitors’ hours. He told The New York Times he was able to avoid being noticed by gluing on a fake beard and moving with the times. His artwork has been found and removed from the Museum of Modern Art, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Brooklyn Museum and the American Museum of Natural History. “I’ve wandered round a lot of art galleries thinking, ‘I could have done that,’ so it seemed only right that I should try,” Banksy was quoted as saying. RIVERSIDE, Calif. - Debra Swaim has NBC reality show “Fear Factor” to thank for saving her life. When her car was washed off the road into a flooded creek during a flash flood in Southern California she suddenly recalled a stunt on “Fear Factor” which took place in similar circumstances. She remembered to roll down her windows because the car doors would be almost impossible to open while submerged in flood water. Once Swaim was free from her car, she made her way into a tree and was rescued an hour later. It looks like fear wasn’t a factor for her.
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ALBION, N.Y. - A 45-year-old woman is charged with driving while intoxicated after she drove to a police station to prove her sobriety. The incident started when she picked up her son from a friend’s house and he suspected she’d been drinking. After the woman and her son argued over her condition she sought out police to administer a sobriety test. Upon her arrival, she asked to be given a breath test. Officers agreed to go along with the rather unusual request. She was proven wrong and subsequently charge with driving while intoxicated.
PPrreessiiddeennttiiaall FFaacctt ss • Herbert Hoover and his wife both spoke fluent Chinese. Hoover was also the first president to have a telephone on his desk in the White House. • When Calvin Coolidge was being driven in a car, he would always insist that the driver didn’t exceed sixteen miles per hour. • George Washington had wooden false teeth. • James Garfield could write in Greek with one hand while simultaneously writing in Latin with the other. • Jimmy Carter developed the knack of speed reading and was once tested and found to have 95 percent comprehension at a reading rate of 2,000 words a minute. • When he was young, Rutherford Hayes suffered from a strange phobia: the fear of going insane. • Franklin D. Roosevelt’s mother dressed him exclusively in girl’s clothing until the age of five. • John Quincy Adams used to take a swim in the Potomac River every morning - naked. • Zachary Taylor moved around the country so much that he never managed to register to vote. Consequently, the first time he voted, he was sixty-two years old. • George Bush, a chubby toddler, was nicknamed “Fatty McGee McGaw” by his father. CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. - A 4-year-old boy did what any polite young child would do and shared the candy he found in his backpack with his fellow classmates. There was just one problem. What the innocent boy thought was candy was actually 40 small bags of crack cocaine! Authorities say that the boy apparently lived in a home where drug dealing was happening, and someone had used his book bag as a hiding place for the crack. The
COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa - A penny can still go a long way these days. According to officials at a Harrah’s casino in Council Bluffs, Iowa, a lucky man from Nebraska won $1.9 million while playing a penny video slot machine. After putting about $100 into the Twilight Zone penny slot machine it finally paid off. The winner, whose name has yet to be released by the casino, said he thought he won only $98 until concluding the total was close to $2 million. The Nebraska man will receive his winnings in annual installments. FAIRFIELD, Conn. - Police discovered 228 pairs of thong underwear inside the car of a pair of professional thong thieves. Monica Barbosa and Anparo Cruz were busted by police after running a red light. Authorities also found clothing taken from stores like Victoria’s Secret, Banana
Republic, Ann Taylor Loft and The Gap. The thieves were able to sneak the clothes out using a booster bag that wouldn’t set off the shoplifting alarms. Aside from the undergarments, police found bikini tops and bottoms, maternity dresses, corsets, women’s tops, shirts and a cashmere sweater. Officers said that the store managers had no idea how the thongs had been swiped. BAY CITY, Mich. - The Easter Bunny is the one who usually gives treats to the kids, but this year a 13-year-old treated the Michigan mall Easter bunny to a knock in the nose. According to Bay City Police, the kid hit the costumed 18-year-old in the face numerous times. As a result, the bunny received a bloody nose. The altercation happened while the rabbit was waiting to take pictures with children. Luckily no children witnessed the bloody bunny beating. However, police are planning to ask prosecutors to charge the younger teen with assault. Happy Easter, Kid. FFaacc ttss A Abb oouu tt tthh ee 115500 00 ss • Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good.
However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. • Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." • Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." • There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
Mr. Cameron says stop illegal taxes
• Sometimes folks could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." • Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
enigma March 31, 2005
child had the drugs with him on Friday and began handing them out on the playground. School authorities quickly recovered the bags and handed them over to police. The boy was taken into custody of the Department of Children and Family Services and placed in a relative’s home.
• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." • Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
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SS K KYYBB O OXX DJ Scottie BBU UCCK KW WIILL D D Jason Ewton, G.R.’s Comedy Revue VVO OO OD DO OO O LL O OU UN NG GEE Soulcrush TT--BB O ON NEE’’ SS Frank & Friends GO G OVVEERR N NO ORR ’’SS Wild Wednesdays w/ the Big Kahuna SS PPO ORR TTSS PP A AG GEE Ronnie Dickens Band PPLL A A YY O OFFFF’’ SS Wayne Hooper & Karaoke FFO OXX TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Alicia Keys, John Legend D && LL IIN 33 RRD ND DSS LL EEYY (Nashville) Brian Vander Ark
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SOUNDBOARD This week’s calendar covers events from Thursday, March 31 through Wednesday, April 6. We would be happy to publish your free listing in future Billboards, space permitting. Simply mail us the information so that we have it 7 days before the publication date. A photograph may be sent with the announcement. Send information to : Calendar Editor, Enigma, P.O. Box 825, Chattanooga, TN 37401 or e-mail to eggman@vol.com.
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TTH HU URRSSD DA A YY M Maarrcchh 3311
CCO OM M EED DYY CCAA TTCCH H Spanky Brown VVA AU UD DEEVV IILLLL EE CCAA FFEE “Mystery at the TV Talk Show” RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Angie Aparo & the Infidels, Jag Star TT--BB O ON NEE’’ SS Peewee & Channing SS PPO ORR TTSS PP AAG GEE Roger Alan Wade PPLL A A YY O OFFFF’’ SS Wayne Hooper & Karaoke CCH HRR IISS TTO OPP H HEERR’’SS DJ Spicolli SS K KYYBB O OXX DJ Stizz TTO ORR TTIILLLL AA FFAA CCTTO ORR YY Runs With Scissors A RRII’’SS LL AAK A K EESSH HO ORR EE Endless Road PPA A TTRR IICC K K’’ SS Karaoke AN A ND DRR EEW WSS U UPP SS TTAAIIRR SS (Atlanta) Mel & the Party Hats TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) Hahn
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CCO OM M EED DYY CCAA TTCCH H Spanky Brown RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Drivin’ N’ Cryin’, Dash Rip Rock SS K KYYBB O OXX DJ Stizz SS PPO ORR TTSS PP AAG GEE Brian Burnette, Karaoke Showcall w/ BASH VVA AU UD DEEVV IILLLL EE CCAA FFEE “Mystery at the Red Neck - Italian Wedding” PPLL A A YY O OFFFF’’ SS Wayne Hooper & Karaoke A RRII’’SS LL AAK A K EESSH HO ORR EE Soul Survivor SS IID DEEW W IIN ND DEERR ’’SS Get ‘Er Done Band PPA A TTRR IICC K K’’ SS Paul Smith & Fantasy TT--BB O ON NEE’’ SS Scott, Pat & Chris SS PPO ORR TTSS TT IIM MEE PP U UBB Earthbound TTH HEE LL O OCCAALL Infradig TTIIVVO OLL II TTH HEEAATT RREE AEC Conference of Southern Literature PPO OK K EEYY’’SS (Cleveland) Collins Brothers VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL AAYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) and you will know us by the trail of dead SS LLO OSS SS FFU URRN NAACC EE (Birmingham) Jason Mraz AN A ND DRR EEW WSS U UPP SS TTAAIIRR SS (Atlanta) Jordan Knight, Jeff Timmons EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) The Features
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GO G OVVEERR N NO ORR ’’SS Dylan Blake TT--BB O ON NEE’’ SS Jukebox Night SS PPO ORR TTSS PP A AG GEE Karaoke Showcall w/ BASH VVA AU UD DEEVV IILLLL EE CCA A FFEE “Mystery at the Red Neck - Italian Wedding” PPLL A A YY O OFFFF’’ SS Wayne Hooper & Karaoke A RRII’’SS LL A A AK K EESSH HO ORR EE Soul Survivor SS IID DEEW W IIN ND DEERR ’’SS Get ‘Er Done Band CCH HRR IISS TTO OPP H HEERR’’SS Collins Brothers PPA A TTRR IICC K K’’ SS Paul Smith & Fantasy SS K KYYBB O OXX Openblind TTIIVVO OLL II TTH HEEA ATT RREE AEC Conference of Southern Literature A LLYYSS SS TTEEPP H A HEEN NSS CCEEN NTTEERR (Birmingham) Natalie Cole April 2 TTH HEE A A RRTTSS && CC U ULL TTU URR EE A A LL LLIIA AN NCCEE ((EEM GA ALL LL EERRYY MPP O ORRII U UM M)) G (Knoxville) “The Ten Show” hosted by AIGA VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Jonny Lang RRO OXX YY TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Papa Roach TTH HEE N NIICCK K (Birmingham) Black Diamond Heavies SS TTA ARR BBA A RR (Atlanta) The Evils
SSU UN ND DA AYY A Apprriill 33 CCO OM M EED DYY CCA A TTCCH H Spanky Brown VVA AU UD DEEVV IILL LL EE CCA A FFEE “Mystery at the Nightmare High School Reunion” SS PPO ORR TTSS PP A AG GEE Brian Burnette & Friends CCH HRR IISS TTO OPP H HEERR’’SS Movie Night D && LL IIN 33 RRD ND DSS LL EEYY (Nashville) Joseph Arthur VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) David Ryan Harris
MO M ON ND DA AYY A Apprriill 44 AM A M IIG GO O’’SS Mark & Calane SS PPO ORR TTSS PP A AG GEE Roger Alan Wade SS K KYYBB O OXX DJ Scottie CCH HA A TTTTA AN NO OO OG GA A TTH HEEA ATT RREE CCEEN NTTRR EE Monday Night Jazz Band CCA A FFÉÉ RR O OM MA A (Cleveland) Live Jazz A RREEN A NA A@ @G GW W IIN NN NEETT TT CCEEN NTTEERR (Atlanta) Ashlee Simpson, Pepper’s Ghost, the Click Five SS YYM M PPH HO ON NYY H HA ALL LL (Atlanta) Tori Amos GEEO G ORRG GIIA A TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) Jason Mraz SS M MIITT H H’’ SS O OLL D DEE BBA A RR (Atlanta) Joseph Arthur
TT U UEESSD DA AYY A Apprriill 55 RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Open Mic Night TTH HEE BBIIG G CCH HIILL LL Karaoke w/ Chris of Alternative Images BBU UCCK KW WIILL D D Peewee & Channing CCH HRR IISS TTO OPP H HEERR’’SS Karaoke w/ Manny, DJ Spicolli SS PPO ORR TTSS PP A AG GEE Karaoke Showcall w/ BASH SS K KYYBB O OXX Poker Night EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Sparta
W EED W DN NEESSD DA AYY A Apprriill 66 RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS The Derek Trucks Band, The Spades
TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) Hop Sing Project April 7 M EERRCCYY LL O M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Jimmie Dale Gilmore April 7 FFLL YYIIN NG GM MO ON NK K EEYY A ARR TTSS (Huntsville) Mad Happy April 7 BBA AD DA ASS SS CCO OFFFFEEEE CC O O.. Citico April 8 SS O OU UTT H HSSIID DEE O OFF CCH HIICCA AG GO O (Cleveland) Collins Brothers April 8 TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) Rollin’ In the Hay April 8 BBLL U UEE CCA ATT SS (Knoxville) Junior Brown April 8 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Tift Merritt April 8 EED DD DIIEE’’SS A ATTTT IICC (Atlanta) Brian Vander Ark April 8 GO G OVVEERR N NO ORR ’’SS Collins Brothers April 9 MU M UN NIICCIIPP A ALL A AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Nashville) Exile April 9 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) Steven Curtis Chapman, Chris Tomlin, Casting Crown April 9 FFO OXX TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Alison Kraus & Union Station featuring Jerry Douglass April 9 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Lenny Kravitz April 9 M EELLLL O M OW WM MU USS H HRRO OO OM M (Tuscaloosa) Brad Passons April 9 TTH HEE N NIICCK K (Birmingham) Wynonna & the Shoplifters April 9 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Steve Earle, Allison Moorer April 9/10 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) John Scofield April 10 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) The Muse, Razorlight April 10 M EEM M MO ORR IIA ALL A AU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M Golden Wing Travelogue April 11 M EERRCCYY LL O M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) SeepeopleS April 11 EEM MO ORRYY (Atlanta) Cake, Gomez April 12 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Glen Phillips April 12 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Moby, Buck 65 April 12 MA M ASS Q QU UEERRA AD DEE M MU USS IICC PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Tsunami Bomb, The FUps April 12 GEEO G ORRG GIIA A TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) Dark Star Orchestra April 13 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Glen Phillips April 13 RREED D LL IIG GH HTT CCA AFFÉÉ (Atlanta) Kaki King April 13 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Iron & Wine, Horses April 13 TTIIVVO OLL II TTH HEEA ATT RREE “Madame Butterfly” April 14, 16 SS M MIITT H H’’ SS O OLL D DEE BBA A RR (Atlanta) Dale Watson, The Rounders April 14 GEEO G ORRG GIIA A TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) The Derek Trucks Band April 14 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Garbage April 14 EEA ARR TTH HLL IIN NK K LL IIVVEE (Atlanta) Backstreet Boys April 14 LL FFO OH HIIG GH H SS CCH HO OO OLL The Malemen, Noaxident April 15 TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) 80Z-Enuff April 15 FFO OXX TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Keb’ Mo’, John Prine April 15 TTH HEE M MA ASS Q QU UEERRA AD DEE (Atlana) Zakk Wylde’s Black Label Society April 15 TTH HEE N NIICCK K (Birmingham) Jason Ringenberg April 15 TTH HEE EEA ARR LL (Atlanta) Hot Young Priest April 15 DU D UFFFF TT A AVVEERR N N (Ocoee) Family Truckster April 16 SS U UM MM M EERR CC O ON NCC EERRTT SS EERRIIEESS (Woodstock) Gin Blossoms April 16 RRYY M MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M (Nashville) Jose Feliciano April 16 A LLA A A BBA AM MA A TTH HEEA ATT RREE (Birmingham) John Prine April 16 JJA AM MM M IIN N’’ JJA AVV A A (Columbia, SC) Brad Passons April 16 EED DD DIIEE’’SS A ATTTT IICC (Atlanta) Josh Joplin April 16 AN A ND DRR EEW WSS U UPP SS TTA AIIRR SS (Atlanta) Stroke 9, Obsession Day, Elevation April 16 EEA ARR H HLL IIN NK K LLIIVV EE (Atlanta) Mudvayne, Life of Agony, Bloodsimple, American Head Charge April 17 4400 W WA A TTTT CC LLU UBB (Athens, GA) Amy Ray, Gretchen Phillips April 17 TTH HEE M MA ASS Q QU UEERRA AD DEE (Atlanta) Silverstein, Gym Class Heroes, Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is… April 17 R R D D 33 && LL IIN ND DSS LL EEYY (Nashville) Better Than Ezra April 17 TTH HEE TTA A BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Billy Idol April 19 RRO OCC K KEETTO OW WN N (Nashville) Silverstein, Gym Class Heroes, Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is… April 19 JJEEN NN NIIEE A AN ND DEERRSS O ON N TTH HEEA ATT RREE (Marietta) Rich Little April 19/20 TTH HEE N NIICCK K (Birmingham) The Dead Kenny G’s April 20 TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) The Breakfast Club April 21 GEEO G ORRG GIIA A TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) Edwin McCain Band April 21 VVA AN ND DEERR BBIILL TT (Nashville) “Virgin Campus Invasion” Cake, Gomez. Robbers on High Street April 21 PPA AN NO OPPLL YY FFEESS TTIIVVA A LL (Huntsville) Graham Colton Band April 22 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Reba McEntire, Brad Paisley, Terri Clark April 22 EEA ARR TTH HLL IIN NK K LL IIVVEE (Atlanta) Angie Aparo April 22 ZZYYD DEECCO O (Birmingham) Submersed, Year And A Day April 22 LL A AU URREELL TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Knoxville) Citico April 22
MARCH 31
APRIL 2
SANDWICH SHOP
ZOSO
• Fresh Bagels • Sausage & Biscuits • Fresh-Baked Muffins • Coffee • & More
THE ULTIMATE LED ZEPPELIN EXPERIENCE
Don’t forget our Great Sandwiches & Salad Plates at Lunch
ANGIE APARO & THE INFIDELS
805 Chestnut Street Downtown 266-8675 M-F 7-3
DRIVIN’ N’ CRYIN’ DASH RIP ROCK
Voted Chattanooga’s Best Music Venue
SPECIAL GUEST: JAG STAR
APRIL 5
APRIL 1
OPEN MIC NIGHT
APRIL 6 DEREK TRUCKS BAND W/ THE SPADES
APRIL 7
May 11 EEA ARR TTH HLL IIN NK K LL IIVVEE (Atlanta) Imperative Reaction, Soman, VNV Nation May 11 RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Glenn Tilbrook May 12 RRO OCC K K SS TTAA RR SS AALL O OO ON N (Alpharetta) A Flock of Seagulls May 12 VVEERR IIZZO ON NW W IIRR EELL EESSSS M MU USSIICC CC EEN NTT EERR (Pelham) The Allman Brothers Band May 12 SS M MIITT H H’’ SS O OLL D DEE BBAA RR (Atlanta) Glenn Tilbrook May 13 WO W ORR K KPP LL AAYY TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Birmingham) A Flock of Seagulls May 13 RRO OXX YY TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Atlanta) Rev. Horton Heat, Supersuckers. Murphy’s Law May 14 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Raveonettes, Autolux, The Peels May 14 CCH HAA SSTT AAIIN N PPAA RRK K (Atlanta) KC & the Sunshine Band May 14 VVO ON N BBRR AAU UN N CCEEN NTTEERR (Huntsville) The Allman Brothers Band May 14 EEM MO ORRYY U U.. (Atlanta) Shawn Mullins, Tinsley Ellis May 14 TTH HEE TTAA BBEERR N NAA CCLL EE (Atlanta) Weezer May 14 M EERRCCYY LL O M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Rev. Horton Heat, Supersuckers, Murphy’s Law May 15 WO W ORR K KPP LL AAYY TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Birmingham) Lucy Kaplansky May 19 HII FFII BB U H UYYSS AA M M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Big & Rich, Sugarland May 20 4400 W WAA TTTT CC LLU UBB (Athens, GA) Built to Spill, Mike Johnson May 20 TTH HEE M M AASS Q QU UEERRAA D DEE (Atlanta) Breaking Benjamin, Silvertide, The Exies May 20 AN A ND DRR EEW W JJAACC K KSS O ON NH HA ALL LL (Nashville) Big Bad Voodoo Daddy May 20/21 FFRREED DRR IICC K K BB RRO OW WN N JJRR .. A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA ATT RREE (Atlanta) Styx May 20/21 TTRR O OPPIICCAA N NAA RRO OO OM M Noaxident May 21 HII FFII BB U H UYYSS AA M M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) LeAnn Rhimes, Rascal Flatts, Billy Ray Cyrus, Blake Shelton May 21 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL AAYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Built to Spill, Mike Johnson May 21 TTH HEE TTAA BBEERR N NAA CCLL EE (Atlanta) Nine Inch Nails, Dresden Dolls May 21/22 TTH HEE EEN ND D (Nashville) Built to Spill, Mike Johnson May 22 TTEEN NN NEESS SSEEEE TT H HEEAA TTRR EE (Knoxville) B.B. King May 24 TTH HEE CCAA N NN NEERR YY (Nashville) Flogging Molly May 24 4400 W WAA TTTT CC LLU UBB (Athens, GA) Raveonettes, Autolux, The Peels May 25 M AARR K M KEETT SS Q QU UAARR EE (Knoxville) Drive-By Truckers May 26 RRO OXX YY TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Atlanta) Snow Patrol May 26 PPA A TTRR IIO OTT PPAARR K K (Knoxville) Loretta Lynn May 27 TT--BB O ON NEE’’ SS Citico May 28 M AABB LLEE H M HO OU USS EE AAM M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Mableton, GA) Edwin McCain May 28 JJA A ZZZZ FFEESS TTIIVVAA LL (Atlanta) Tito Fuente, Jr. May 29 AM A MEERR IICC AAN N PPIIEE (Atlanta) The Smithereens May 29 KN K NO OXX VVIILL LL EE AA U UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M && CCO OLL IISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Spencer Davis Group June 3 CCH HAA SSTT AAIIN N PPAA RRK K (Atlanta) Santana, Los Lonely Boys June 4 BBLL IIN ND DW WIILLLL IIEE’’SS (Atlanta) Commander Cody June 4 KN K NO OXX VVIILL LL EE AA U UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M && CCO OLL IISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Jerry Seinfeld June 7 SS YYM M PPH HO ON NYY H HAALL LL (Atlanta) Margaret Cho June 9 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Kid Rock, Saffire: The Uppity Blues Women, David Olney, Rhonda Vincent & the Rage June 10 MU M USS IICC M M IID DTTO OW WN N (Atlanta) White Stripes, Loretta Lynn, Keith Urban June 10 BBO ON NAA RRO OO O (Manchester) Dave Matthews Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, Earl Scruggs, Citizen June 10 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Brad Passons June 11 BBO ON NAA RRO OO O (Manchester) The Black Crowes, Gov’t Mule, Umphrey’s McGe, Xavier Rud June 11 MU M USS IICC M M IID DTTO OW WN N (Atlanta) The Pixies, Lou Reed, Kid Rock, Keane, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, The Features, The Killers, Louis XIV, Shelly Fairchild June 11 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Michael McDonald, Pure Prairie League, Tinsley Ellis June 12 MU M USS IICC M M IID DTTO OW WN N (Atlanta) Coheed & Cambria June 12 BBO ON NAA RRO OO O (Manchester) Widespread Panic, Peter Rowan June 12 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Tinsley Ellis June 13 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Cowboy Mouth, Lee Ann Womack June 15 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Trace Adkins, Colin Hay (Men at Work), Spyra Gyro June 16 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Cheap Trick June 17 CCIITTYY SS TTA AG GEESS (Birmingham) Aretha Franklin, Alejandro Escovedo, Loretta Lynn June 17 BBIISS SS EELLLL PPA A RRK K (Oak Ridge) Dean Torrence June 17 GEEO G ORRG GIIAA W WO ORRLL D D CCO ON NG GRREESS SS CCEEN NTTEERR (Atlanta) Otis Day & the Knights June 17 CCH HAA SSTT AAIIN N PPAA RRK K (Atlanta) Mary Chapin Carpenter June 17 RRIIVV EERR BBEEN ND D Pat Benetar, Noaxident June 18 CCH HAA SSTT AAIIN N PPAA RRK K (Atlanta) Aretha Franklin June 19 CCH HAA SSTT AAIIN N PPAA RRK K (Atlanta) Moody Blues June 21 HEELL EEN H NK K EELL LLEERR FFEESSTT IIVVA ALL (Tuscaloosa) Sammy Kershaw June 25
APRIL 9
RRO OCC K K SS TTA A RR SS A ALL O OO ON N (Alpharetta) Glen Burntnik June 25 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Seal June 26 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Steve Winwood June 27 BBLL U UEE CCA ATT SS (Knoxville) Reverend Horton Heat, The Legendary Shack Shakers June 28 RRH HYY TTH HM M && BBRR EEW W SS Reverend Horton Heat, The Legendary Shack Shakers June 29 CCO OU UN NTTRRYY TTO ON NIITTEE TTH HEEA ATT RREE (Pigeon Forge) Marty Stuart July 2 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Tom Jones July 7 BBIIRR M MIIN NG GH HA AM M JJEEFFFFEERRSS O ON NA ARR EEN NA A (Birmingham) Kenny Chesney, Gretchen Wilson July 8 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) The Del McCoury Band July 8 MA M ABB LLEE H HO OU USS EE A AU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M (Mableton, GA) Cab Calloway Orchestra July 9 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Mark Knopfler July 12 HII FFII BB U H UYYSS A AM M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Dave Matthews Band July 13 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers July 13 CCIITTYY PP A ARR K K (Woodstock, GA) Micky Dolenz July 16 PPH HIILL IIPPSS A ARR EEN NA A (Atlanta) Kenny Chesney, Gretchen Wilson July 16/17 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Elvis Costello July 17 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Carole King July 20 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) Dave Matthews Band July 20 A LLA A A BBA AM MA AM MU USS IICC CCEEN NTTEERR (Tuscaloosa) the Commodores July 23 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Earth Wind & Fire July 24 RRYY M MA AN NA AU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M (Nashville) The Del McCoury Band July 24 FFRREED DRR IICC K K BB RRO OW WN N,, JJRR.. A AM M PPH HIITT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Atlanta) John Waite July 29/30 HII FFII BB U H UYYSS A AM M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Van’s Warped Tour August 3 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Hootie & the Blowfish August 13 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) James Taylor August 15 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Huey Lewis & the News August 24 RRO OSS SS ’’ LL A AN ND DIIN NG G “Hog Fest” Noaxident August 26 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Chris Isaak August 28 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) “Ozz Fest 2005” August 31 WO W ORR LLD D’’ SS FFA A IIRR PPA A RRK K (Knoxville) Jack Johnson, Matt Costa, ALO Orchestra September 2 CCH HA A SSTT A AIIN N PPA A RRK K (Atlanta) Jack Johnson, Matt Costa, ALO Orchestra September 3 BBLL U UEEBBIIRRD D CCA A FFÉÉ (Nashville) Jim “The Orange Yodeler” Dautrey September 4 VVEERR IIZZO ON NW W IIRR EELL EESSSS M MU USSIICC CC EEN NTT EERR (Pelham) Motley Crue September 9 FFRREED DRR IICC K K BB RRO OW WN N JJRR .. A AM MPP IITTH HEEA ATT RREE (Atlanta) Blue Oyster Cult, Foghat September 9/10 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) Motley Crue September 10 TTH HO OM M PPSS O ON N BBO OLL IIN NG GA A RREEN NA A (Knoxville) Motley Crue September 11 PPH HIILL IIPPSS A ARR EEN NA A (Atlanta) Motley Crue September 16 A LLYYSS SS TTEEPP H A HEEN NSS CCEEN NTTEERR (Birmingham) Count Basie Orchestra September 24 KN K NO OXX VVIILL LL EE A AU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M && CCO OLL IISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Neil Sedaka September 30 CCO OU UN NTTRRYY TTO ON NIITTEE TTH HEEA ATT RREE (Pigeon Forge) The Jordanaires September 30 WO W ORR K KPP LL A AYY TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Birmingham) Christine Lavin October 1 A LLYYSS SS TTEEPP H A HEEN NSS CCEEN NTTEERR (Birmingham) Randy Newman October 8 PPEERR FFO ORRM M IIN NG GA A RRTT SS CC EEN NTT EERR (Birmingham) Paula Poundstone October 30 PPH HIILL IIPPSS A ARR EEN NA A (Atlanta) U2 November18/19 TTH HEE N NIICCK K (Birmingham) Dexter Romweber Duo December 19
APRIL 8
APRIL 13
DISHWATER BLONDE HAHN
SCOTT MILLER
3878 HH II XX SS OO NN PPII KK EE 8877 55-- 002222 99 SERVING CHATTANOOGA SINCE ‘69
FFIIRRSS TT CCEEN NTTEEN NA A RRYY U UN NIITTEED DM M EETTH HO OD DIISSTT CC H HU URR CCH H (Room 135) Singles One Mondays @ 6 PM CCH HA A TTTTA AN NO OO OG GA A TTH HEEA ATT RREE CCEEN NTTRR EE Monday Night Jazz Band Mondays BBIIG G CCH HIILL LL Karaoke Tuesdays LL A ASS M MA AG GA A RRIITTA A SS (Riverview) Priscilla & Little Rickey Wednesdays CCEEVVEELL O OPP M MEEN NTT RR EESS O OU URR CCEE BBU UIILL D DIIN NG G (1250 Market Street) Chattanooga Alliance for Animals First Wednesday of the month M IILLLL EERR M M MO OTTLL EE TTEECCH HN NIICCA A LL CC O OLLLL EEG GEE CHEO Complimentary Health Education Organization Chapter Meeting Third Sunday 2-4 PM TTO ORR TTIILLLL A A FFA A CCTTO ORR YY Runs With Scissors Thursdays
APRIL 14 APRIL 15
ROLLIN’ IN THE HAY
TT HH EE BB AA GG
CC O ON NTT IIN NU U IIN NG G
THAT ONE GUY
THE ROUNDERS W/ OLD UNION
enigma March 31, 2005
CCO OM MM MU UN NIITTYY TT H HEEA ATTRR EE “That You May Believe” April 23, 24, 29, 30 PPA AN NO OPPLL YY FFEESS TTIIVVA A LL (Huntsville) KoKo Taylor & her Blues Machine, Pam Tillis April 23 CCO ON NVVEEN NTTIIO ON N CCEEN NTTEERR (Knoxville) Nickel Creek April 23 TTH HEE M M AASS Q QU UEERRA AD DEE (Atlanta) Agnostic Front, All Shall Perish April 23 CCH HAA TTTTAA N NO OO OG GA AM MA A RRK K EETT Citico April 24 A LLYYSS SS TTEEPP H A HEEN NSS CCEEN NTTEERR (Birmingham) The Temptations April 24 VVO ON N RRAA U UN N CC EEN NTTEERR (Huntsville) Monk & Neagle April 24 EEA ASS TT AA N ND DRREEW WSS CCA A FFÉÉ (Atlanta) The Samples April 24 AN A ND DRR EEW WSS U UPP SS TTA AIIRR SS (Atlanta) Cowboy Mouth April 24 R R D D 33 && LL IIN ND DSS LL EEYY (Nashville) Ben Lee April 24 GRRAA N G ND DO OLL EE O OPPRR YY H HO OU USSEE (Nashville) Alison Kraus & Union Station featuring Jerry Douglass April 24 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) The John Popper Project, Fishbone, DJ Logic, Slightly Stoopid April 25 M EERRCCYY LL O M OU UN NG GEE (Nashville) Iron & Wine, Eric Johnson April 25 SS M MIITT H H’’ SS O OLL D DEE BBA A RR (Atlanta) the Raveonettes, Autolux, The Peels April 26 A RREEN A NAA @ @G GW W IIN NN NEETT TT CCEEN NTTEERR (Atlanta) Jimmy Eat World, Taking Back Sunday April 26 TTEEN NN NEESS SSEEEE TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Knoxville) Los Lonely Boys April 26 RREED D LL IIG GH HTT CCA AFFÉÉ (Atlanta) Michael Penn April 26 WO W ORR K KPP LL AAYY TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Birmingham) Ben Lee April 26 RRO OXX YY TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Future Leaders of the World, Submersed, Alterbridge April 27 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Slightly Stoopid April 27 CCLL A ASS SS IICC CCEEN NTTEERR (Athens, GA) Elvis Costello April 27 TTH HEE TTAA BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Unwritten Law, Sum 41 April 27 RRYY M MAA N N AAU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M (Nashville) Trey Anastasio April 27 TTIIVVO OLL II TTH HEEA ATT RREE CSO Orchestra April 28/29 TTU UBBBB YY’’SS (Suwannee) Hahn April 28 CCRR O OSSSS RR O OAA D DSS CC A AFFÉÉ (Huntsville) Fishbone April 28 RRO OCC K KEETTO OW WN N (Nashville) Bowling For Soup, Riddlin Kids, American Hi Fi April 28 M EEM M MO ORR IIAALL A AU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M Rodney Carrington April 29 DAARR W D WIIN N’’SS (Marietta) Chris Duarte Group April 29 GEEO G ORRG GIIAA TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) Drivin’ N’ Cryin’ April 29 RRO OXX YY TTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Slightly Stoopid April 29 TTH HEE EEN ND D (Nashville) Jump Little Children, Josh Rouse, Trent Dabbs April 29 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) Alan Jackson April 29 TTW W IILL IIG GH HTT CCIITTEERR IIU UM M FFEESS TTIIVVA A LL (Athens, GA) Cracker April 29 KN K NO OXX VVIILL LL EE A AU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M && CCO OLL IISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) The Black Crowes April 29 M AARR K M KEETT SS Q QU UA ARR EE (Knoxville) Steve Winwood April 29 BBLL U UEE CCAATT SS (Knoxville) Future Leaders of the World April 29 GO G OVVEERR N NO ORR ’’SS Collins Brothers April 30 GAAYY LLO G ORR D D EEN NTT EERRTTA A IIN NM MEEN NTT CC EEN NTT EERR (Nashville) Sara Evans, Bering Strait April 30 WIILL D W DW WEESS TT (Athens, GA) Drivin’ N’ Cryin’ April 30 M EEAAD M DO OW W@ @ SSTT O ON NEE M M TTN N.. (Atlanta) Herman’s Hermits April 30 VVEERR IIZZO ON NW W IIRR EELL EESSSS M MU USSIICC CC EEN NTT EERR (Pelham) Alan Jackson April 30 TTH HEE EEAARR LL (Atlanta) The Hellhounds April 30 EEXXIITT// IIN N (Nashville) Flickerstick, If Hopes Dies May 2 TTH HEE CCAA N NN NEERR YY (Nashville) Lisa Marie Presley May 2 FFIIRRSS TT TTEEN NN NEESS SS EEEE PP A AVV IILLIIO ON N Alterbridge, Future Leaders of the World May 3 BBIIRR M MIIN NG GH HA AM M --JJEEFFFFEERR SSO ON NA AU UD DIITTO ORR IIU UM M (Birmingham) Sarah McLachlin May 4 SS TTA A RRW WO OO OD DA AM M PP H HIITT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Nashville) 3 Doors Down, Breaking Benjamin, Silvertide May 4 FFO OXX TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Atlanta) Kelly Clarkson, Graham Colton Band May 4 TTH HEE EEAARR LL (Atlanta) Fluffgirl Burlesque May 4 VVA A RRIIEETTYY PP LL A AYYH HO OU USS EE (Atlanta) Dishwalla May 4 VVO ON N BBRR AAU UN N CCEEN NTTEERR (Huntsville) T.G. Sheppard May 5 FFRREED DRR IICC K K BB RRO OW WN N JJRR .. A AM MPP H HIITTH HEEA ATT RREE (Atlanta) Pure Prairie League May 6 HII FFII BB U H UYYSS A AM M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRREE (Atlanta) Velvet Revolver, Hoobastank May 6 VVEERR IIZZO ON NW W IIRR EELL EESSSS M MU USSIICC CC EEN NTT EERR (Pelham, AL) 3 Doors Down, Breaking Benjamin, Silvertide May 6 FFO OXX TTH HEEAA TTRREE (Atlanta) Trey Anastasio May 6 EED DD DIIEE’’SS AATTTT IICC (Atlanta) Alana Davis May 6 KN K NO OXX VVIILL LL EE A AU UD DIITT O ORRIIU UM M && CCO OLL IISSEEU UM M (Knoxville) Pam Tillis May 6/7 VVIILL LL A AG GEESS A AM M PPH HIITTH HEEA A TTRR EE (Fayetteville, GA) Paul Revere & the Raiders May 7 TTH HEE TTAA BBEERR N NA A CCLL EE (Atlanta) Black Crowes May 7 GEEO G ORRG GIIAA TT H HEEA ATTRR EE (Athens, GA) Drivin’ N’ Cryin’ May 7 TTEEN NN NEESS SSEEEE TT H HEEA A TTRR EE (Knoxville) Ryan Adams May 7 RRYY M MAA N N AAU UD DIITTO ORRIIU UM M (Nashville) Todd Rundgren, Joe Jackson May 9 4400 W WAA TTTT CC LLU UBB (Athens, GA) The Black Keys, The Hentchmen
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4011 BRAINERD RD.
17
What is beginning to emerge about the recent George W. Bush and company shenanigans over the Terri Schiavo situation is that they really don’t give a royal hoot about her welfare. They are just looking at this situation as a means to gain ultimate control over the one branch of the government that that has eluded their bribes, buyoffs, dirty tricks, and general chicanery – the judiciary. The courts have periodically blocked some of their railroading, which has proved to be a nuisance in their minds, so they want to grease these particular wheels by packing the courts to their hearts’ delight because the one Achilles’ heel they all suffer from, particularly the Commander in Chief, is impatience. Having to argue
something intelligently in front of a judge is hard and wasteful, so why bother? It’s much easier to do it in front of a hand-picked crowd sitting behind you and used as props for the camera. Let’s get the judicial outcome pre-determined so we can all move on.
the control cause. “The judges did it. The judges killed her. The mean old judges. Those judges with educations and robes to hide behind. Down with the judges. Down with education. Up with the new judges. Our judges. The right judges. The ones we educate. The ones we pick. The ones we tell what to So, the loudest seeming do. All their decisions will be advocates for Terri’s sur- made the instant we convival (other than her par- firm them. They won’t have ents) are the ones who real- to think about a thing. We ly want her dead. Terri dead don’t have to argue. is much more useful than Thinking makes people do Terri alive. Alive means evil things. Down with another thirty or forty thinking. Arguing is work. years of tube feeding with Icky poo. Down with arguan occasional crisis to re- ing. Thinking and arguing. stir the pot of whether or Bad, bad medicine. Try our not the tube should be medicine. Pregnant women pulled. After all, this is not and people with kidney conthe first time we have been ditions should seek their through a Terri-watch. Dead doctor’s advice. Side makes Terri a martyr for effects include hangovers, nausea, and vomiting.” Terri Schiavo’s parents should tell the government to scram.
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Because we have a new breed of government. They certainly aren’t “liberal.” (Ugh! I swear I took a shower after I wrote that word.) They certainly aren’t “conservative,” although they like to hide behind that word. It sounds nice, nicer than “liberal” (second shower). “Conservative” sounds like you are saving things. It sounds like you are “serving” the people, not yourself. It’s funny how the conservatives have the best lined pockets around. Serving the people is usually the last thing they think of. This is a government that is
“served” by death, and Terri is just another casualty in their control war. They are using the military to do something that militaries have not done well over the centuries – control things. Militaries are trained as strike forces, not as control forces. Militaries are designed to seek out and reach objectives, not hold on in perpetuity in hostile environments. Every army, now matter how wellequipped, no matter how superior, when asked to “control” has eventually gone down. There might even appear to be some success in “controlling” early on. But the forces of nature, like erosion, have a way of persisting and eventually winning.
enigma March 31, 2005
Total Control is the Name of the Game
Bush and Company have no qualms about using Terri this way. After all, they used 3000 people dying in the Trade Towers to help achieve their ends. What’s one more? The “neo-cons” have also decided that money is no object or obstacle whatever. Traditional conservatives tried to tighten the budget belt and reduce the scope of the federal government. We are hurtling at warp speed in the opposite direction right now. Why? Because the showering of money and extending the reach of the federal government are both aligned with the policy of control. If you cut back, you can’t control as much. If you actually let people make up their own minds, they might not agree with you. You have to buy agreement. You have to force
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enigma March 31, 2005
DISTORTED PRIORITIES I unloaded my spleen on the Terri Schiavo situation last week, and, frankly, I thought I was done.
the Pope contributed to the campaign?
Ron Reagan, son of the former president, said on his
But in the last couple of days, the absurdity level of the rhetoric by the so called associates of the parents of this poor woman, and some of the actions of her parents have become so astonishing I just can not keep my mouth shut. The MSM has discovered the death of a baby in a Texas hospital, caused when the baby’s hospital decided, without the baby’s mother’s permission to turn off life support for the baby. As I mentioned last week, the Texas hospital can do this because George W. Bush, who was then governor of Texas, and is now president of the United States, signed a law which allow hospitals to save money by turning off life support for babies when the hospital’s “ethics council” overruled the child’s parents, and in some instances the child’s doctor.
his mother made the decision to turn off life support for the former president before his death. The former president’s life support included a feeding tube. Where was Tom Delay, where was Bill Frist, where was the Pope, where was Randall Terry, where was Jessie Jackson? Where was George W. Bush? I just don’t understand these people. Some people should be allowed to die with some dignity, but some others should not? How do these people decide?
Jesse Jackson, the gentleman who compared pop star Michael Jackson to Nelson Mandela, is now involved in the Schiavo case at the “request” of the Schindlers.
show on Fox’s news channel,
How did Tom Delay live with the death of his father, but decide he could not live with the death of Terri Schiavo who had been in the same condition as his father for 15 years?
Jesse needs to have his own ethics examined, again.
How can the president justify doing this in the face of his rush to involve the federal government in the Terri Schiavo case?
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One of the several spokespeople for the Schindlers is Randall Terry, the founder of the anti-abortion Operation Rescue, whose membership, it has been reported included In 1988, Tom Delay’s father such fine Christian gentlemen was allowed to die following as Eric Robert Rudolf. Terry, a freak accident. Where was who lives in a $450,000 the congress when this deci- house paid for under quession was made? Tom Delay tionable circumstances, in St. was in the hospital room Augustine, Florida, has been when the decision was made. linked to the most violent members of the anti abortion Terri Schiavo’s parents, the movement. Schindlers, have agreed to sell a list of the contributors It has also been reported that to their legal defense fund to Pat Buchanon, failed right a conservative advertising wing candidate for president group for the purpose of that has suggested on his radio group trying to sell products show that armed federal to the people who have con- troops should be sent in to tributed to the Schindler’s the hospice where Terri fight to keep their daughter Schiavo is quietly passing alive no matter what her away so that Schiavo can be wishes may be. I wonder if rescued.
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CHATTANOOGA – With the city mayoral runoffs less than two weeks away, others are already planning their campaigns for other elected offices.
the program and get their men – the backbone of the department thinking progressively. “I believe in being a strict disciplinarian” says the athletically
The most hotly contested race looks to be the sheriff’s race where it is uncertain if incumbent John Cupp will run again. The religious conservative constable faces already enough heat through the shenanigans of deputies and the court clerk’s office. While Cupp has done no wrong and has acted quickly to address the varied situations, many believe it is time for the sheriff to ride off into the sunset and leave the job of protecting the county to others.
Mr. Cameron also laid out some changes he plans for the SWAT team. His plans call for a new uniform. Instead of traditional clothing, the team members will cover their bodies with liquid latex. “This stuff is really thick and it will make my officers more streamlined. They won’t have to worry about getting their clothing hung up on a fence while in pursuit on foot”, he says. “It’s also waterproof>’
One individual has already picked up his papers to qualify for the race is local business owner Mr. Cameron. Mr. Cameron is the owner and proprietor of the local exotic clothing store on the Northshore, Loca Luna. “I think I can bring a distinct, exotic flavor to the office of sheriff,” said the local entrepreneur. Cameron – or Mr. Cameron, as he prefers to be called moved to the scenic city little more than a year ago. Some pundits don’t know if they like the idea of having a relative newcomer holding an elected office. “I personally have no problem with it,” said outgoing mayor Bob Corker. “It’s time for a little change at the top,” Mr. Cameron continued. While agreeing with a faithbased initiative, Mr. Cameron said he believes it’s time for law enforcement officials to get with
ing softly and carrying a big sick up a major endorsement in his – or in his case a riding crop. campaign for sheriff. The Duracell battery company has “I can think of a number of ways already endorsed the entrepreto whip this department into neur. “He’s already one of our shape – literally,” said Mr. biggest customers ordering batteries for all that weird stuff he has in the office,” said spokesman Gary Conrad.
enigma April Fools, 2005
LOCAL ENTREPRENUER ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR SHERIFF’S RACE
Chief deputy Skip Vaughn, as former leader of the SWAT team is a little skeptical of this. “Aren’t you naked under that thick rubber?” he asked. I wonder if you can wear boxers under that stuff? Besides what if you’ve got to use the bathroom?”
built political newcomer. Mr. Cameron said in the wake of all the disciplinary problems with many of the officers in the news, he would put them on a fair, but strict plan to keep them not only in line, but motivated. “These boys and girls (over 18,) will be disciplined for any irrational behavior,” he said. “If they are good, they’ll be rewarded, if not, they will be disciplined by me,” Mr. Cameron, a conservative by nature says he believes in speak-
Mr. Cameron is also looking at replacing the controversial stun Cameron. guns with bullwhips. “Let’s see New officers, fresh out of the one of those felons run away academy will be issued a leather after I hit him with one of these,” dog collar to wear for their first he said cracking the whip. six-months. The stiffness of the collar will help keep their necks “And that’s what I plan to do – straight, and if they get out of line crack the whip on out of control I can put them on my special officers, and criminals who think leash and into the dog house. they actually rights, They will The dog hose is a metal cage Mr. learn like the others, if Mr. Cameron keeps on his premises Cameron is happy, everyone is that are big enough contain a happy” he said. “There’s gonna be a new sheriff in town and you human. better do what he say!” Mr. Cameron has already picked
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enigma April Fools, 2005
CHATTANOOGA BASKETBALL COACH SUBJECT OF HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PART OF MOTION PICTURE TO BE SHOT LOCALLY HOLLYWOOD – The motion picture capital of the world has set its sights on Chattanooga once again for a blockbuster motion picture. Officials from Dreamworks SKG have secured the rights to produce a movie about Chattanooga rookie basketball coach John Shulman.
or two,” he added.
the “iron is hot” and before he loses interest.
Shulman, a first-year head coach led the Cinderella Chattanooga Mocs basketball team to the NCAA tournament this season, wining the Southern Conference tournament for the first time since 1997 finishing the season with a 20-11 record. “I caught a glimpse of the Southern Conference tournament finals on ESPN8 and fell in love with what transpired”, said Dreamworks executive producer Jeffery Katzenberger. “This is one of the biggest feel good stories to come by in at least a week
Sixteen Candles star John Cusak has signed on to portray Chattanooga
The cofounder of Dreamworks (along with Steven Spielberg and David Geffen) said they want to strike while
Late night talk host and former “Simpsons” writer Conan O’Brien has been contacted to help with script preparations. “We want to make sure the film has it’s funny moments,” Katzenberger added. “We don’t want to have another ‘Any Given Sunday’ on our hands”, he said referencing the Oliver Stone produced football flop from 2000. The working title for the project is “The Little Engine That Could”. The title refers to the small UT system school’s sports program, as well as
According to Katzenberger, the story will begin with an upset Jeff Lebo, Shulman’s predecessor throwing a temper tantrum after the Chattanooga program was denied a NIT bid following the 2003-2004 season. It chronicles the departure of Lebo to the more prestigious Southeastern Conference leaving the Chattanooga program in what many thought would be disarray. A key scene reminiscent to “The Knute Rockne Story” chronicles when Lebo offered to bring Shulman to Auburn with him calling Chattanooga a one-horse town, and Shulman, a former varsity tennis player turned coach turning him down, and vowing to take the program to heights that Lebo or Lebo’s predecessor was never able. In an interesting bit of cinematography Howard will use a split screen that on one side will feature Chattanooga upsetting Big Brother state rival Tennessee while Auburn on the other side losing their first game of the season to a Southern Conference team on the same day (poetic justice?). The movie will end in Rocky-esque fashion with the Mocs losing in the first round of the NCAA tournament after leading through two-thirds of the game. “Hopefully they’ll be able to
Rock crooner Joe Jackson will make his acting debut portraying Jeff
referring to Chattanooga’s longtime ties to the railroad industry.
First Tennessee Pavilion Tuesday, May 3 Doors open at 6:30 Showtime 7:30 TICKETS ON SALE NOW $20 - advance $22.50 day of show Tickets available at Cat’s Music 899-2287 Buck Wild Saloon 756-1919
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Ron Howard has signed on to direct the picture in what some in the business feel will be the next “Hoosiers”. “I like stories that have a homespun sense to them,” the actor-turneddirector said on a recent visit to the city last week. “This is one of the few progressive cities I’ve been to that still has a Mayberry feel to it.”
make a sequel that will be like ‘Rocky 2’” quipped Shulman. “I just hope they won’t make a third or fourth installment. Mr. T wouldn’t look right as a rival basketball coach”. Being deemed as the next “feel good” movie this week, casting for “The Little Engine That Could” has begun. Popular brat-pack actor, John Cusack has signed on to play Shulam in the film. Although much taller than
When asked about Cusack being cast to play him, the Chattanooga coach said he could see a faint resemblance. “My personal pick would have been
and standup comic legend said.
Hey, What’s your sign?
Other casting notes for the production include Richard Dreyfus as Chattanooga interim Chancellor Fredrick Obear, and Adam West as Athletic Director Steve Sloan. “This could be the role I need to break that damn super hero stereotype,” the former Batman said at a teleconference from his stately manor. At that point a red phone was seen flashing in the background. West abruptly cut the ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20) Investments may be misrepresented this week. Your moneymaking opportunities will flourish. Don’t overload your plate. Be careful not to divulge secret information this week. Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday. TAURUS (Apr. 21- may 21) Don’t make large purchases or investments. Be sure to take advantage of the opportunities that exist. Do not get involved in joint financial ventures. You can’t make things better if you don’t know what to fix. Your lucky day this week will be Tuesday.
Comic legend, Jimmy “J.J, “ Walker will portray the father of
Al Pacino”, Shulman said. Legendary singer-turned-actor Joe Jackson (“Is She Really Going Out With Him”) will portray embittered stepping stone coach Jeff Lebo. “It’s a bit of a stretch. I’m going to have to work on my American accent,” the musician stated. Many of the team’s members will make appearances as themselves. Comic actor Jimmy “J.J.” Walker will make a cameo appearance in the Southern Conference Championship scene as senior star Chris Brown’s dad. “This cameo will be dyn-o-mite for my career, “ the longtime sitcom
teleconference short as the screen went mysteriously black. Preproduction and script revisions should be completed by July 31 with principle shooting to begin September 9. Dreamworks SKG will also be hiring a lot of locals as extras. “This will be excellent for the city,” mayor Bob Corker said in a press conference held at the Chattanoogan. Talent scouts will be holding open auditions for these roles at Rhythm and Brews downtown on Sunday, June 19. They will also be taking electronic resumes and headshots through a special website www.Hoopstardreams.com.
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GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Your magnetic, outgoing personality will capture hearts. You may need to make a choice. Protect your interests legally if necessary. You have been going through a period of change that no doubt caused problems with your loved ones. Your lucky day this week will be Friday. CANCER (June 22-July 22) Don’t get so wrapped up in being rich that you overlook the fact that your plan may not be as solid as you thought. Emotional situations could bring out your stubborn nature. You may find that your mate is well aware of the circumstances. You have been going through a period of change that no doubt caused problems with your loved ones. Your lucky day this week will be Friday. LEO (July 23-Aug 22) Try to communicate if you wish to help. You can make money through your creative efforts. Discuss your problems and complaints if you wish to rectify them. Don’t trust others with private in formation that could be used against you. Your lucky day this week will be Tuesday. VIRGO (Aug. 23 -Sept. 23) Do your own thing. You can certainly gain popularity; however, don’t do it by paying for everyone else. Your ability to talk circles around your colleagues will help you forge ahead in the workforce. Watch your weight gain due to water retention.
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enigma March 31, 2005
Shulman, Katzenberger reiterated that everything is bigger in Hollywood. The actor, famous for such films as “Gross Pointe Blank”, “The Grifters”, and “Say Anything” was looking forward to doing a sports movie. “I’m really quite a good basketball player, actually” Cusack said.
Short trips may be tiring but rewarding. You can pick up information that will give you an edge. Organize all the responsibilities that have to be attended to and make sure everyone knows what to do. You will feel so much better about yourself if you can control your addictions. Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) Be careful not to hurt the ones you love. Tone down and put some of that hard earned cash into a safe, long-term investment. You must use discretion when talking to others. Gambling should not be an option. Try to keep an open mind. Your lucky day this week will be Thursday. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 -Dec. 21) Be cautious not to get involved in office chatter that will cause problems for others. Heart to heart talks will clear up vague issues. You will learn valuable skills if you sign up for seminars this week. Go out with close friends who understand your situation and your needs. Your lucky day this week will be Saturday. CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 20) They will jump at the chance to do something without you if it sounds like more fun. Put your energy into home renovations. You are likely to reveal information unintentionally. Finish those changes you’ve been talking about making to your residence. Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday. AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 -Feb. 19) Do not borrow or lend money or belongings to friends or relatives if you wish to avoid any hassles. You may have major blowups with someone you love if you don’t back down. Don’t hesitate to go ahead with any plans for entertainment. Help children with important projects. Your lucky day this week will be Monday.
Your lucky day this week will be Monday.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20) Things have been moving so quickly that you need to do something physical to release your tension. Do not be surprised if your partner doesn’t understand your needs. Accomplishment is yours if you direct yourself accordingly. Debates will stifle passion and result in estrangement.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
Your lucky day this week will be Thursday.
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enigma March 31, 2005
THE REEL WORLD OPPEENN IINNGG TTHHIISS W O WEEEEKK BBeeaa uuttyy SS hhoopp PPGG--1133 Gina Norris (Queen Latifah) is a long way from the ‘Barbershop’ - now she’s in Atlanta making a name for herself at a posh Southern salon with her cuttingedge hairstyles. But when her flamboyant, egotistical boss (Kevin Bacon) takes it one criticism too far, she leaves his salon to open a shop of her own, taking the shampoo girl (Alicia Silverstone) and a few key clients (Andie MacDowell, Mena Suvari) with her. Gina buys a rundown salon and inherits an opinionated group of headstrong stylists (including Alfre Woodard), a colorful clientele, and a sexy upstairs neighbor (Djimon Hounsou). SSii nn CCiittyy RR Sin City is a violent city where the police department is as corrupt as the streets are deadly. In this movie, we follow three stories, the central of which is Marv, a tough-as-nails and nearly impossible to kill street fighter who goes on a rampage of vengeance when a beautiful woman, Goldie, he sleeps with for only one night is killed while lying in bed with him.
music industry where he becomes the promoter of a struggling singer who is being pursued by the Russian mafia.
BBeeccaa uussee ooff W Wiinnnn--DD ii xxiiee PPGG Based on the perennial best-seller, a lonely young girl adopts an orphaned dog, Winn-Dixie (so named for the supermarket where she found him), who helps her make friends in the small Florida town. The bond between the girl and her special companion brings together the townspeople and helps heal her own troubled relationship with her father.
Rosario Dawson as Gail and Clive Owen as Dwight in Dimension Films’ “Sin City”.
N OOW N W SSHHOOW WIINN GG AAnnddrr eew w LLll ooyydd W Wee bbbbee rr’’ss TThhee PPhhaannttoom m ooff tthhee OOppee rr aa PPGG--1133 This romantic musical epic is about a mysterious masked figure, Erik (Gerald Butler), who roams the undergrounds of 19th century Paris, centering his activity around (or under) the Opera Populaire, where he tutors a beautiful young soprano, Christine (Emmy Rossum), who goes on to upstage the city’s most famous
opera singer, Carlotta (Minnie Driver). The Phantom thinks he’s found love, until Christine’s childhood boyfriend, Vicomte de Chagny (Patrick Wilson) shows up.
BBee CCooooll PPGG--1133 The continuing adventures of Chili Palmer, strong-arm debt collector turned Hollywood movie producer. By the time the story begins, Chili has abandoned the fickle movie industry. And so his adventures, this time around, concern the
ALL AVAILABLE LISTINGS FOR MOVIES AND SHOWTIMES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT PRIOR NOTICE
Wynnsong 10 2210 Gunbarrel Rd. 855SIN CITY R
Perimeter Northgate Mall BEAUTYSHOP PG-13
1:00 4:00 7:00 9:45
1:30 4:10 7:00 9:30
BEAUTYSHOP PG-13
SIN CITY R 1:45 4:45 8:00 10:35**
THE UPSIDE OF ANGER R 1:45 4:25 7:15 10:00
1:00 3:25 5:50 8:15 10:40**
Bijou 7 215 Broad St. SIN CITY R 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:45
LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE PG-13 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:30
MISS CONGENIALITY 2 PG-13
GUESS WHO PG-13
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MISS CONGENIALITY 2 PG-13
MISS CONGENIALITY 2 PG-13 1:30 4:15 7:00 9:35
GUESS WHO PG-13
12:30 3:05 5:40 8:15 10:40**
1:40 4:30 7:15 9:45
THE RING 2 PG-13
THE RING 2 PG-13
GUESS WHO PG-13
1:30 4:15 7:30 10:00
1:30 4:15 7:30 10:00
12:45 3:10 5:35 8:00
THE RING 2 PG-13
ROBOTS PG
1:30 4:15 7:30 10:00
12:30 2:45 5:30 7:15 9:45
HOSTAGE R 1:30 4:10 7:00 9:40
BE COOL PG-13 1:00 3:45 7:00 9:45
1:15 4:15 7:15 10:00
WINN-DIXIE PG-13/MAN OF THE HOUSE PG-13 12:00 2:25 7:15
4:45 9:50
ICE PRINCESS G/PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PG-13 12:15 2:35 4:55 7:15
ROBOTS PG
THE PACIFIER PG
12:30 2:45 5:00 7:15 9:30
12:30 2:45 5:30 7:15 9:45
THE PACIFIER PG 12:30 2:45 5:00 7:15 9:45
DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN PG-13
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DD iiaa rryy ooff aa M Maadd BBllaa cckk W Woom maann Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise) seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter (Steve Harris). Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth - a little piece of paradise away from the city. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen’s paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He abruptly and literally tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith, and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help — mostly unsolicited, by the way — of her pot-smoking, gun-toting, and much beloved grandmother figure Madea (Tyler Perry). GGuuee ss ss W Whhoo PPGG--1133 A sarcastic father (Bernie Mac) has plenty to say about his daughter wanting to marry a white boy (Ashton Kutcher). HHoossttaaggee RR When three delinquent teenagers follow a family home intending to steal their car, they get more then they bargained for. The trio finds themselves trapped in a multi-million dollar compound on the outskirts of town with no way to escape.
IIccee PPrr iinnccee ssss GG Brainy Casey Carlyle (Michelle Trachtenberg) has never quite fit in. Caught between her fantasy of becoming a championship figure skater and her strong-willed mother (Joan Cusack), who has her on the fast track to Harvard, she can only hope to be like Nikki, Tiffany and Gen (Hayden Panettiere) - three elite skating prodigies who are ruthlessly competing on the US Figure Skating circuit (and have attitudes to match). But when Casey gets the chance to train with Gen and her coach, a disgraced former skating champion who also happens to be Gen’s mother (Kim Cattrall), she must dash her own mother’s hopes in order to pursue her dream. Now, with only the support of Gen’s teenage brother, a hunky Zamboni driver (Trevor Blumas), Casey takes on the challenge of her life when she finds herself competing against the best to make it into the championship circuit and become a real “ice princess.” Maann ooff tthhee H M Hoouuss ee PPGG--1133 Texas Ranger Roland Sharp (Tommy Lee Jones) is assigned to protect the only witnesses to the murder of a key figure in the prosecution of a drug kingpin — a group of University of Texas cheerleaders. Sharp must now go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach and move in with the young women. Miiss ss CCoonngg eennii aall iittyy 22:: A M Arr m meedd aa nndd FFaabbuulloouuss PPGG--1133 The story catches up with FBI agent Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) shortly after she successfully disarmed a threat against the Miss United States Pageant while working undercover as a contestant in Miss Congeniality. Having become a media celebrity following her heroic pageant exploits, Gracie has been spending more time lately at the salon than the shooting range, working the talk show circuit and promoting her book. When her friends, pageant winner Cheryl and emcee Stan, are kidnapped in Las Vegas, Gracie’s all-out efforts to jump back into action to save them puts her at loggerheads with the FBI top brass who don’t want to risk losing their mascot and fear she might not be up to the job anymore.
TThhee PPaaccii ffiiee rr PPGG Vin Diesel stars as Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe who, as an elite member of the world’s fiercest and most highly trained force thought he was prepared to take on any duty no matter how perilous or impossible... until he tried baby-sitting. Assigned to protect the five out-of-control children of an assassinated scientist working on vital government secrets, Shane is suddenly faced with juggling two outrageously incompatible jobs: fighting the bad guys while keeping house. Replacing his
usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons with diapers and juice boxes, Shane not only must battle a deceptive enemy but wrangle teen rebel Zoe (Brittany Snow), sullen 14-year-old Seth (Max Theriot), 8year-old Ninja-wanna-be Lulu (Morgan York), as well as 3 year-old Peter and baby Tyler - not to mention their off-beat Romanian Nanny (Carol Kane).
TThhee RRiinngg TTw woo PPGG--1133 The story picks up six months after the horrifying events that terrorized Rachel Keller and her son Aidan in Seattle. To escape her haunting memories, Rachel takes Aidan and moves to the small coastal community of Astoria, Oregon, to start fresh. However, Rachel’s resolve quickly turns to dread when evidence at a local crime scene-including an unmarked videotape-seems eerily familiar. Rachel realizes that the vengeful Samara is back and more determined than ever to continue her relentless cycle of terror and death.
TThhee CCaa vvee PPGG--1133 A rescue team is sent down into the world’s largest cave system to try to find the spelunkers who first explored its depths. But when the group’s escape route is cut off, they are hunted by the monstrous creatures that live down below. FFee vveerr PPiittcchh A contemporary romantic comedy about a high school teacher who meets and falls in love with a successful businesswoman. Although their lives are vastly different, the relationship seems perfect until the baseball season begins and she has to compete with his first true love: the Boston Red Sox.
UPPCCOOM U MIINN GG
TThhee HHiittcchhhhiikkeerr ’’ss GGuuiiddee ttoo tthhee GGaall aaxxyy PP GG Earthman Arthur Dent is having a very bad day. His house is about to be bulldozed, he discovers that his best friend is an alien and to top things off, Planet Earth is about to be demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Arthur’s only chance for survival: hitch a ride on a passing spacecraft. For the novice space traveler, the most astonishing adventure in the universe begins when the world ends. Arthur sets out on a journey in which he finds that nothing is as it seems: he learns that a towel is just the most useful thing in the universe, finds the meaning of life, and discovers that everything he needs to know can be found in one book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
AA LLoott LLiikkee LLoovvee PPGG--1133 It takes some people years to fall in love at first sight. A LOT LIKE LOVE is a romantic comedy about destiny, connection and the frequently fuzzy line between chance friendships and happily ever after. A LOT LIKE LOVE traces the relationship of Oliver (Ashton Kutcher) and Emily (Amanda Peet) who met on a flight from Los Angeles to New York seven years ago - each of them declaring that they couldn’t be more wrong for each other.
HHoouuss ee ooff W Waaxx RR A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction - the House of Wax - and created an entire town filled with the waxcoated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax.
TThhee AAm miittyy vviill llee HHoorr rroorr RR On November 14, 1974, police received a frantic phone call that led them to a nightmarish crime scene at the Defeo residence in Amityville, Long Island - an entire family had been slaughtered in their beds. In the days that followed, Ronald Defeo confessed to methodically shooting his parents and four siblings while they slept, claiming “voices” in the house drove him to commit the grisly murders. One year later, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house thinking it would be their dream home. But shortly after settling in, bizarre and unexplainable events began to occur to the family as George was plagued by nightmarish visions and haunting voices from the evil presence still lurking within the residence. 28 days after moving in, the Lutzes abandoned the home - lucky to escape with their lives.
TThhee IInnttee rrpprr eettee rr PPGG--1133 Nicole Kidman stars as African-born U.N. interpreter Silvia Broome, who inadvertently overhears a death threat against an African head of state scheduled to address the United Nation’s General Assembly. Realizing she’s become a target of the assassins as well, Silvia’s desperate
RRoobboottss PPGG Set on a world populated entirely by robots, this is the story of a young genius, Rodney (Ewan McGregor), who wants to make robots capable of making the world a better place, but he finds his dream challenged by a corporate tyrant and a master inventor, Big Weld (Mel Brooks), while also being seduced by a sexy corporate robot, Cappy (Halle Berry).
to thwart the plot...if only she can survive long enough to get someone to believe her. Sean Penn is Tobin Keller, the federal agent charged with protecting the interpreter, who nonetheless suspects she may not be telling the whole truth. Silvia and Tobin, by nature, see life from different points of view: one, a U.N. interpreter, believes in the power and sanctity of words; the other, a Secret Service agent, believes in reading people based on their behavior, no matter what is said.
KKii nngg’’ss RRaa nnssoom m PPGG--1133 Anthony Anderson stars as Malcolm King, a wealthy and arrogant businessman whose ex-wife to be has plans to take him for everything he’s worth in their divorce settlement. Determined to avoid losing his fortune to her, Malcolm plans his own kidnapping with the help of his dim-witted mistress and her ex-con brother. Unfortunately for Malcolm, he is not the only one with a kidnapping plot.
enigma March 31, 2005
Panicked, they take the family hostage, placing Talley in a situation that he never wanted to face again. He is forced to take on a role he abandoned where the stakes quickly evolve into a hostage situation far more volatile and terrifying than anything he could ever imagine.
SSaahhaa rraa PPGG--1133 Master explorer Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey) takes on the adventure of his life when he embarks on a treasure hunt through some of the most dangerous regions of North Africa. Searching for what locals call “The Ship of Death”, a long lost Civil War battleship filled with coins, Pitt and his wisecracking sidekick (Steve Zahn) use their wits and clever heroics to help Doctor Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz) who believes the ship may be linked to mysterious deaths in the very same area. TThhee UUnnddee rrccll aass ssm maa nn PPGG--1133 A baby-faced 24-year-old detective, who never gets the respect he deserves because of his boyish looks, goes undercover in an elite private school where he stumbles upon an international autotheft ring. AAnn UUnnffii nniiss hheedd LLiiffee PPGG--1133 A rancher reluctantly takes in his abused daughter-in-law and her unruly 12 yearold, and they soon learn to forgive each other in order to heal old wounds. XXXXXX:: SSttaa ttee ooff tthhee UUnnii oonn PP GG--1133 Darius Stone, a new agent in the XXX program, is sent to Washington, DC to diffuse a power struggle amongst national leaders.
SOME LITTLE FRIENDS COULD USE YOUR HELP THE HUMANE SOCIETY IS LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS CALL TODAY 624-5302
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enigma March 31, 2005
RUMOUR'S MILL RUMOUR HAS IT… …POLECAT BOOGIE REVIVAL is getting some welldeserved exposure. They’ll be on the road the entire month of May with music legacy, HANK III. … The Atlanta Chapter will launch its GRAMMY Block Party, in conjunction with The Atlanta Dogwood Festival, on Friday, April 8, 2005. The Recording Academy is supporting this year’s Atlanta Dogwood Festival by kicking off the festival weekend on the “My South Rocks” Main Stage. The GRAMMY Block Party will feature the outstanding talent of some of the Atlanta Chapter members; both signed and unsigned talent in a variety of genres. Industry professionals will have an opportunity to see and hear a variety of acts. The Block Party will feature: STATE OF MAN (Polyplat Records), K.WILLIS & THE COLLECTION (Willisongs, Inc.), SLICK & ROSE (Blue Maze Records/Soul Hippie), SHAWN MULLINS (Columbia Records), SUGARLAND (Mercury/Universal Records), GAELLE (Naked/Virgin Records) and the WARM GUNNS (Permanent Records). Come out and enjoy the live music of your fellow Academy members! Music begins at 6 p.m. … JOHN WARNER, Master Herbalist and Iridologist will presentIMPROVE YOUR HEALTH
THE NATURAL WAY on April 3, Sunday, 12:30 pm seminar, The best part – it’s totally free.. There will be free iridology sessions /consultations after the seminar (love donations gratefully accepted) Warner Herb Company is located in Crossville, TN and has been a dealer in natural organic herb products, serving customers around the world for over 44 years. John will be doing brief iridology (eyes) readings to tell you exactly what organs are not functioning to their optimal and personal consultations after his lecture. Iridology is the science of analyzing the delicate structures of the iris of the eye. Iridology reveals inflammation, where located and in what stages it is manifesting. The iris reveals body constitution, inherent weaknesses, levels of health and the transitions that take place in the body according to the way we live. …The Association for Visual Artists welcomes mixed media artist, JIM FIKE, whose work includes sculptures, videos, drawings, and installations. The exhibit will be presented until April 8th. For more information, please call 265-4282. …The Bijou will host the AEC Independent Film Series featuring the movie Lighting in a Bottle from April 1st until April 7th. For more information, please call 424-2015 or visit www.artsedcouncil.org. …Throughout the month of
ALMO ST dedicated to local & regional WITH TED & DAVE THURSDAYS AT 5
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April River Gallery will showcase a sampling of women artists in celebration of the re-opening of the Hunter Museum of American Art and their first new exhibit of artist GEORGIA O’KEEFE. The opening reception will be Friday, April 1st from 6:30 to 8:00 PM. The exhibit will feature artists SANDRA BLAINE, BECKY GRAY, JUNE KLUGLEIN, KAREN KLUGLEIN, IANTHA NEWTON, and LEE MALERICh. For more information, please call 265-5033 or visit www.river-gallery.com. …The Arts and Education Council will host their 13th Biennial Conference on Southern Literature at the Tivoli Theatre on April 1st and 2nd. There will be readings and discussions featuring authors KAYE GIBBONS, FRED CHAPPELL, JOSEPHINE HUMPHRIES, LEE SMITH, JILL MCCORKLE, REYNOLDS PRICE, ALLAN GURGANUS, and many more. For more information, please call the AEC at 267-1218 or visit www.artsedcouncil.org. …The Chattanooga Symphony and Opera Guild presents its annual fundraising dinner and auction Saturday, April 2nd at 6:15 p.m. to celebrate their 20th anniversary season. The program will include cocktails, dinner, games of chance, a live auction, and entertainment featuring the music of GERSHWIN. Pianist STEWART GOODYEAR and Broadway and television star RON RAINES join Maestro ROBERT BERNHARDT and the CSO Orchestra onstage. For more information, please call 267-8583, or visit www.chattanoogasymphony.org. …DESTINY’S CHILD, KISS, TED NUGENT and GODSMACK will perform for the troops at San Diego’s Camp Pendleton on April 1st. The QIUNCY JONES-produced event will be filmed for a televised special and DVD. …JOSS STONE will be featured in the the GAP’s new TV and print ads as their new spokesperson. Stone will also join ROD STEWART and ALICIA KEYS on the VH1 Save the Music concert airing April 17th. …NELLY has called off his Sweat/Suit tour following the death of his sister from leukemia. The tour, which kicked off March 19th, has been indefinitely postponed until further notice. …RAY CHARLES’ former
HOT COLLEGE T R A C K S According to Chattanooga State’s CMJ Report 1. BEN FOLDS 2. BECK 3. TORI AMOS 4. QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE 5. BEN LEE 6. LCD SOUNDSYSTEM 7. HOT HOT HEAT 8. IRON & WINE 9. KAISER CHIEFS 10. ANI DIFRANCO 11. BRIGHT EYES 12. GARBAGE 13. MOBY 14. ED HARCOURT 15. COWBOY MOUTH 16. PRES. OF THE UNITED STATES 17. ROBBERS ON HIGH ST. 18. THE DECEMBERISTS 19. NEW ORDER 20. THE EELS
ADVENTURE PICKS 1. KEVN KINNEY 2. WEEZER 3. WAKEFIELD
MOST REQUESTED 1. BEN FOLDS 2. BECK 3. TORI AMOS 4. QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE 5. BEN LEE
…The WHO’s follow-up to 1982’s It’s Hard has been delayed. The band has also delayed touring plans due to drummer ZAK STARKEY’s previous commitment to tour with OASIS until January 2006. …Veteran rockers SISTER HAZEL will release a download-only EP entitled Lift-Acoustic Renditions on April 12th. …BARENAKED LADIES frontman STEVEN PAGE will release his as-yet-untitled debut album with the VANITY PROJECT this summer. …KORN frontman JONATHAN DAVIS’ wife, porn-star DEVEN, gave birth to a son, PIRATE HOWSMON, on March 18th. …REVEREND RUN of RUN DMC will star in his own MTV reality show, Run’s House, produced by Run’s brother RUSSELL SIMMONS and SEAN “P. DIDDY” COMBS. …The WHITE STRIPES will headline this year’s Music Midtown Festival in Atlanta, along with TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS and KID ROCK. The festival will take place June 10-12, with performances by LORETTA LYNN, the KILLERS, BLOC PARTY, JOAN JETT and COHEED AND CAMBRIA. The White Stripes are currently in the studio recording a new album. …LENNY KRAVITZ has donated an autographed guitar to help raise money for Brazil’s Zero Hunger campaign. The $5000 guitar, used in Kravitz’s first Latin American tour, will be auctioned off on the Brazilian government’s Web site. …FAT JOE’s upcoming release, All or Nothing, has been pushed back again due to sampling issues. The LP will hit stores May 24th.
…LIVING COLOUR guitarist VERNON REID will play with the ROOTS on their summer tour. In the meantime, LIVING COLOUR will play the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival, April 22nd to May 1st. …NAS’ show at London’s Brixton Academy was cut short Monday night when shots were fired inside the club. The Queens rapper abruptly stopped performing and fans rushed to leave the venue after an asyet-unidentified gunman fired twice into the ceiling. According to London’s Metropolitan Police force, no one was injured. An investigation is currently
underway. …The BEATLES’ Abbey Road recording studio is now open to the public for the first time in its seventy-four year history. The London studio is now home to a film festival in celebration of twenty-five years of movie scoring. The festival kicked off March 19th with a viewing of A Hard Day’s Night and ends with Yellow Submarine on April 3rd.
4 00 55 M 4 Ma a rrkkee tt SStt rree ee tt -- D D ooww nn ttoo wwnn Accoo rrss ss ffrroom A m CC hhiillii’ss 44 22 33 ..77 55 66 .. 22 22 22 00
…The SMASHING PUMPKINS will finally make their music available for download on April 5th. The Nineties rockers’ will offer 227 songs, including several rarities, through online music stores. Former Pumpkins frontman BILLY CORGAN is working on his solo debut, “TheFutureEmbrace”.
enigma March 31, 2005
Los Angeles recording studio and tour bus will be converted into a joint museum and educational center dedicated to the late R&B innovator’s awards and memorabilia, set to open in 2007.
…The DECEMBERISTS’ gear trailer, containing all their instruments and other important items, was stolen on March 17th in Portland, Oregon. The trailer has been found but the instruments are still missing. The band has set up a fund at decemberists.com/fund.html for fans to make donations to help the band replace the lost instruments. …Soul legend ARETHA FRANKLIN is preparing to release her first record on her own Aretha Records label this June. The album, the followup to 2003’s So Damn Happy, was coproduced by Franklin and will include duets with FAITH HILL and exTEMPTATIONS singer DENNIS EDWARDS. …DURAN DURAN guitarist ANDY TAYLOR will miss some shows on the group’s in-progress North American tour due to a family illness. DOMINIC BROWN is filling in temporarily. ..JOURNEY will hit the studio to work on their thirteenth album due this summer. The San Francisco rockers plan to launch a major U.S. tour in support of the upcoming release. …After disappearing on Friday while out walking his dogs, PAUL HESTER, drummer for Eighties pop band CROWDED HOUSE, was found hanged in a park near his home in Melbourne, Australia, on Saturday. HESTER was forty-six years old. …The original members of DINOSAUR JR. will reunite after fifteen years apart for their first national television appearance. The indie rockers will perform on CBS’ The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson on April 15th. If you know any truths, half-truths or outright lies about the local music scene, send it to Sissy Vance at rumoursmill@yahoo.com. - Sissy Vance
WEDNESDAY IS
ACOUSITC NIGHT APRIL 6 - SOULCRUSH
TUESDAY NIGHTS $1 ECK N G LON ESTICS DOM
FEATURING MIXMASTER DANNY WILLIAMS SPINNING ALL THE BEST DANCE MUSIC
THURSDAY NIGHT IS OUR INFAMOUS BEER BASH
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enigma March 31, 2005
ARENA FOOTBALL NEWS
KATS SKINNED BY THE RATTLERS FORCE HOLD ON TOWIN AND TAKE SOLE POSSESSION OF FIRST PLACE Saturday night the two teams with the worst record in the AFL met at Gaylord Entertainment Center as the Nashville Kats hosted the Arizona Rattlers as both teams have only one win to show for 2005. One thing for sure, one of the two was leaving with a second victory after the night. It wasn’t Nashville. Nashville despite welcoming back Leon Murray (we’ll go into that later) lost for the seventh consecutive week 48-35 before a crowd of a little over 10,600.
Force’s did last season before they cleaned house. Wait… Leon Murray was their quarterback last year, too. There’s a reason Marty Lowe lost his job and Georgia let Murray go after the 2004 season. Murray finished the game going 17-34 with one interception towards the end of the game and
good with the likes of James Baron keeping Germaine on his toes and his behind for that matter. Offensively it was ugly. It was indeed like watching the two reams with the worst records play. The second quarter made up for it as both teams lit up the scoreboard.
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The bad was the play of Leon Murray after missing three starts due to knee surgery. Rusty? That’s being kind. Bad is a better word for it. Poor choices were to put the ball, trying to run on thirdand-ten are just a few of the bad things going on. The Kats offense looked as bad as the Georgia
The Kats go on the road for couple of weeks before returning April 17. They will be in Grand Rapids o take on the Rampage. It’s a completely different story for the Georgia Force. The Force were dissed this year by NBC a only one of the games will be televised. Network execs are probably kicking themselves. Prior to Saturday’s showdown with conference co-leader New Orleans, the Arena Football Writers Association picked the Force as the strongest team in the league.
This game resembled the old Clint Eastwood movie “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”. The good was Travis McGriff who has been the favorite target of both of the Kats’ quarterback since arriving from Orlando. He’ probably wondering what he did to piss off Jay Gruden. McGriff is handling all the kickoff returns, caught most of the passes that were catchable by Murray, and all around had been a bright spot in this season that is fading quickly. The problem however, is that everyone knows the ball is headed his way. What happened to using Fred Coleman? He got limited work after missing the last game and is the most elusive runner with ball after a catch. He, along with Daryl Hammond were used sparingly by Murray.
team, but they need to address the quarterback situation. The secondary needs to quit playing so far off the ball, also.
They didn’t let anyone down, either. The Force sprinted out and held on to defeat Andy Kelly and the New Orleans Voodoo 43-40. three touchdown passes. More bad is the play of the secondary. Joe Germaine makes Leon Murray look pretty good as a quarterback. But the play of Nashville’s defensive backs made Germaine look like Joe Montana. Kats defenders played way of the ball and the receiver giving a new meaning to zone defense. Rattlers’ receivers were allowed to make big plays and convert third and fourth down situations. The ugly, quite honestly was the play of both teams. The first quarter alone was brutal for both teams. Witnessing was even worse. No one made it into the end zone until the 24 second mark in the first quarter. Both offenses were brutal. Nashville’s defense looked
49 points were put on the board between the two teams. Arizona scored with 2.7 seconds left in the half to take a 28-21 lead. The second quarter was fun to watch. The Kats started to look like vintage Kats in the third quarter. After holding the Rattlers, Nashville scored 14 unanswered points. Randy Gatewood scored on a 14-yard touchdown pass from Germaine with four minutes left in the quarter to tie the score. Nashville never saw the end zone again as Arizona pulled away to sprint to a relatively easy 48-35 win. I’m tired of sounding like I’m down on these boys. I think this is close to be a championship caliber
With the win the Force are finally in sole possession of first place in the Southern Division at 7-2. 7-2 is also the best record in the league. This is a far cry from last season and the “Advisory Board” with Vince Dooley and Hershel Walker, which amounted to no more than a photo op at the beginning of the 2004 season. Are these guys for real? They’ll find out when they play the 2003 Arena Bowl champs Tampa Bay Storm. Coach Tim Marcum’s boys are having a tough season and would love to take it out on the Force. The Force will return home for two consecutive Friday games on April 8 and 15. - David N. Marks
The digital nature of the production is well executed. A little fiction to the tunes is well balanced by the earthy vocals and warm analog tones.
Jag Star Cinematic Independent Jag Star has put together a light and neat collection of ambient pop tunes that can be appreciated by a wide range audience. Never would have guessed these guys claim Knoxville as their hometown. Slicked up and ready for the WB, Jag Star needs a mass media market quick because I know I have heard the name for a few years, just didn’t know this was the sound. The album has a dreamy quality. The layers are just separated enough to evoke a mood of atmospheric euphoria. Sensible and effective, Jag Star is geared for modern easy listening and mainstream radio where a market certainly awaits. Heroine Sarah Lewis can talk to the kids as well as the thirty-somethings. She has a pausing and passive tone like a mother figure. Musicianship is superb. Lots of instruments mixed in with a fair amount of electronica.
The songs structures push and pull well. Choruses creep up like they should and all the spikes are controlled effectively and honestly. A few blips and samples nod at modern hip-hop and DJ influences, but this album has more old school pop sensibility than street cred. A ghost toned vocalist and an experimental band are a nice mix no matter how much pop is shelled out. This package is better than ones cooked up by major record labels. Full Scale Full Scale Columbia Full Scale hails from Melbourne, Australia. The last time I heard Australia and political in the same sentence was obviously in relation to Midnight Oil. No Oil in this group and I’m searching the liner notes for something political. All I can find are sweeping generalizations of the current administrations war interests and stabs against conformity and the family unit. Oh yeah and I guess they don’t like work either. The album is full of Full Scale’s influences. Blending punchy rap- rock with Poguesesque vocal rhythms, Full Scale keeps up the edge and intensity. The amazing thing about
this collection is the similarities to King’s X. Big smooth well-balanced harmonies are the most redeeming aspect of the record. All the instruments are precise and clear in a ‘produced in Hollywood’ scale of precise and clear, spotless I guess. The tones are effective and the musicianship is tolerable. The song constructions are a little hard to swallow. Overly angular breaks and dives can’t mask the fact that there isn’t a huge variation in melody. I would have panned this album all together. Judging from the graphics I figured the record was exactly what it is. Another heavy band lost in a wash of overly exaggerated vocals and over influenced musicians. The pitch ‘political slant’ got the disc in the stereo. The parallels to modern hard rock radio landed it in the wastebasket. No specific agenda other than being pissed, young and painfully aware of west coast American music. No place of interest mentioned, not one person identified. No history lessons to prove this effort is involved in the problems of the world in any way. Taylor Hollingsworth Live Review Rhythm & Brews It’s hard to roll into any southeastern venue and not see the name Taylor Hollingsworth. From Atlanta to Cincinnati his flyers are plastered on telephone pole around venues,
campuses and record stores. The Birmingham native rolled through Chattanooga on March 23rd to headline Rhythm & Brews and shell out some fourminute dirty pop tunes and kick start a fan base.
enigma March 31, 2005
recordings When Hollingsworth took the stage he had only an hour to convert the mellow crowd into lifting up and connecting to his style. Hollingsworth, followed established Chattanooga artist Brad Passons and former Vertical Horizon bassist Seth Horan. Those artists provided the open-eared and attentive audience. So could Hollingsworth pull it off? Could he take his country mod rock and bang it out in front of a tunesmiths audience and keep the heads bobbing? Hell yes he could and did just that. In the grand style of power trio, Hollingsworth and his band mates pumped out dirty rock ala The Replacements with a thin southern drawl. Loud and sloppy (in a good way) Hollingsworth gyrated on stage while his band, the consummate pocket rhythm section, blanked out and became hypnotized by their instruments. Hollingsworth has mastered the four chord pop tune and has the ability to make those four chords sound like they have never been played before. I list him as one of my artists to follow and hope he develops a good fan base here. Balanced bills are hard to come by. Artists that pick up fans on odd bills are the ones to watch. - Thomas Martin
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enigma March 31, 2005
THIS WEEK IN ROCK HISTORY The very first record ever released by Del Shannon, “Runaway” hits the Billboard chart on its way to becoming a million selling number one hit. The Beatles begin their second string of shows in Hamburg, Germany, where they will play for 92 consecutive nights before wrapping up on July 1st. 119955 22 Sun Records of Memphis, Tennessee, began releasing records. The label would later become the home of Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis and many others.
119955 66 Elvis shoots a scene from The Rainmaker for his screen test at Paramount Studios in Hollywood. 119955 77 The Everly Brothers release “Bye Bye Love,” a song that was rejected by 30 labels before Cadence Records picked it up. The song went to #2 on the pop chart and #1 on the Country & Western chart.
Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Obie Wheeler and Glen Douglas open a tour of the South in Little Rock, Arkansas. Buddy Knox became the first artist in the rock and roll era to write his own number one hit when “Party Doll” topped the Billboard chart. 119955 88 Little Richard had his final top 10 hit with “Good Golly Miss Molly”. The song was from his last recording sessions for Specialty Records, after which he recorded a series of gospel songs.
1996622 The Russian newspaper Pravda warns communist youths about the dangers of dancing “the twist”. The Shirelles’ “Soldier Boy” is released on Sceptor Records. The tune becomes the group’s biggest hit, reaching Number One, selling over a million copies and earning a gold record. 11996633 16 year old Lesley Gore records her breakthrough hit, “It’s My Party”. Producer Quincy Jones hurried Gore into the studio when he found out that Phil Spector was going to cut the song with The Crystals. The Chiffons enjoy the first of their five Billboard Top 40 hits when “He’s So Fine” climbs to #1. 11996644 On March 31st, 1964, The Beatles set a recording industry record that may never be equaled. They held the top 5 positions on the U.S. singles chart with “Can’t Buy Me Love” at number 1, “Twist and Shout” at number 2, “She Loves You” at number 3, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” at number 4 and “Please Please Me” at number 5. In Canada, they had nine of the top 10 singles, while the Australian charts saw them occupying the first six places.
Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode” is released. The Beach Boys record “I Get Around”. CBS Laboratories announces the invention of stereophonic records. Although the new format would be playable on ordinary phonographs, when used on the proper equipment, a new rich and fuller sound would be heard. Connie Francis enjoys her first chart success as “Who’s Sorry Now?” reached #4. Over the next ten years, she will place 55 more songs on the Billboard hit parade. 11996600 Two anti-payola bills are introduced in U.S. Congress by Representative Emanuel Celler of New York. He blames payola for “the cacophonous music called rock & roll” and says that rock & roll would never have gained popularity, “especially among teenagers,” if not for the result of payola. Lonnie Donegan becomes the first British artist to enter the UK chart at number one when “My Old Man’s A Dustman” debuts at the top. The only other artist to achieve this feat was Elvis Presley. 11996611
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11996655 Freddie & the Dreamers record “Do The Freddie”. The song was put together quickly after American audiences wanted to know more about the swaying motion that lead singer Fred Garrity seemed to do on stage. Although it was a minor hit in the US, it was dismissed as “silly” in the U.K. and never released.
The Who release their first big hit, “I Can’t Explain”. 11996666 Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass become the first act to have four LP’s in the Top 10 of the Billboard album chart.
11 996677 Cindy Birdsong, formerly of Patti LaBelle’s Bluebelles, was asked to fill in for Florence Ballard of The Supremes, after Ballard missed a number of shows in New Orleans, Los Angeles and Montreal. Birdsong became a permanent member a few months later.
Jimi Hendrix suffered minor burns after he set fire to his guitar for the first time at The Rainbow Theatre. That night, he shared the stage with The Walker Brothers, Cat Stevens and, believe it or not, Engelbert Humperdinck. Eighteen year old Steve Winwood left The Spencer Davis Group, to join Dave Mason, Jim Capaldi and Chris Wood in Traffic. Winwood had been with Spencer Davis since he was 15. The Beatles are photographed with a photo collage and wax figures from Madame Tussaud’s museum for the cover artwork of their soon to be released “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” album at Chelsea Manor Studios in London. Before the album sleeve is printed, figures of Adolf Hitler and Jesus Christ are removed. Van Morrison records “Brown Eyed Girl”. 11 996699 The Beach Boys launch a lawsuit against Capitol Records for over $2 million in royalties and producer’s fees for Brian Wilson. The band also announces that they are starting their own label, Brothers Records, which will be distributed by Warner / Reprise.
The Box Tops “Sweet Cream Ladies” tops out at number 28 on the Billboard Hot 100. They would reach number 18 later in the year with “Soul Deep”, their final Top 40 entry. Frank Sinatra’s version of “My Way” entered the US record charts for a stay of 122 weeks. 11 99770 0 Only Ringo Starr is present at the final Beatles recording session, where he overdubs percussion tracks for “The Long and Winding Road”, “Across The Universe” and “I Me Mine”.
11997755 Led Zeppelin had all of their six albums in the top 100 of Billboard’s album chart. 11997777 Elvis Presley’s concert in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is postponed during intermission when he is too ill to go onstage. The next day, he is admitted to a Memphis hospital for a six-day stay, suffering from fatigue and intestinal flu. Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” album went to #1 on the Billboard chart where it stayed for 31 weeks. Worldwide, the LP will sell over 25 million copies. 11997788 Tina Turner’s divorce from Ike became final. 11997799 Eric Clapton married George Harrison’s ex-wife, Patti Boyd in Tucson, Arizona. George attended the wedding as did, Ringo and Paul. The newly weds would stay together for nine years. 11998800 Ronald Selle, a Chicago antique dealer and parttime musician and songwriter files suit in Chicago against the Bee Gees, Paramount Pictures and Polygram Records. Selle alleges the Bee Gees’ “How Deep is Your Love” plagiarized two sections of a song he wrote called “Let it
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11 997711 Ringo Starr releases “It Don’t Come Easy” which will climb to #4.
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Three Dog Night’s “Joy To The World” enters the Billboard Hot 100 on its way to becoming the biggest selling single of the year.
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11 997722 Elvis Presley records what proves to be his last major hit, “Burning Love”. It made #2 on the US chart and #7 in the UK.
Grand Funk fires manager Terry Knight, who promptly sues them.
Roy Orbison fell off a motorbike during a UK tour, fracturing his foot. He played the remaining dates sitting on a stool and walking on crutches.
11 997733 Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show got their picture on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine after their hit, “The Cover of Rolling Stone” reached number 6 on the US singles chart. According to members of the group, they really did buy five copies for their mothers, just like the song said.
The Troggs use 45 minutes of spare studio time to record “Wild Thing” at Regent Sound Studio in London. The raw, simple little tune would climb to #2 in the UK and #1 in the US, selling over a million copies by the following June.
Jerry Garcia is arrested for speeding on the New Jersey turnpike, but the $15 speeding ticket turns into $2,000 bail when the police find a wide variety of drugs in Garcia’s car. He spends three hours in jail.
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11998822 The Doobie Brothers announce their split-up. The band started in the ‘70s with the #11 hit “Listen to the Music”, and would re-unite for 1989’s Top Ten smash, “The Doctor”. David Crosby of the Byrds and CSNY is arrested in San Diego for possession of drugs and a gun. When asked why he carried the gun, his reply was “John Lennon.” 11998844 44 year old Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his father after a heated family argument on April 1st. Gaye had just received a Grammy for his hit, “Sexual Healing”, his first top 40 single in 51⁄2 years. Remarkably, Gaye’s father received only probation after pleading guilty to manslaughter. 11998855 David Lee Roth quit Van Halen shortly after releasing his version of The Beach Boys’, “California Girls”, which featured Carl Wilson on background vocals. Roth’s record actually sold slightly better than the original. He was replaced by Sammy Hagar later in the year. 11998866 Sammy Hagar plays his first show as lead singer of Van Halen. 11998899 Gladys Knight performs without The Pips for the first time since grammar school at a show at Bally’s in Las Vegas. 11999922 Billy Idol showed the world just how tough he is when he pleaded no contest to punching a woman in the face. He was fined and ordered to make public service announcements against alcohol and drug use.
11 999944 Pink Floyd played their first concert in more than five years, opening a North American tour before more than 55,000 fans in Miami.
Madonna caused trouble on the set of The Late Show With David Letterman. The network had to delete 13 offending words from the audio track before the show aired. An obviously annoyed Letterman told the singer “people don’t want language like that coming into their living room.” Madonna also handed Letterman a pair of her panties and told him to sniff them. He declined and stuffed them into his desk drawer. Robin Williams later described the segment as a “battle of wits with an unarmed woman.” 11 999966 Phil Collins announced he was leaving Genesis after 25 years. He joined the band as drummer after the departure of John Mayhew in 1970 and became lead singer when Peter Gabriel left five years later.
enigma March 314, 2005
End.” Selle won the case even though the Bee Gees claim they never heard Selle’s song and the whole thing was a coincidence. The group would successfully appeal the decision in 1983.
Two former members of the 1950’s vocal group, the Teddy Bears filed suit in Los Angeles against producer Phil Spector and several labels. Carol Connors and Marshall Lieb alleged they had not received royalties from re-issues of their 1958 Number-One hit “To Know Him Is To Love Him.” 11 999977 Singer Joni Mitchell is reunited with Kilauren Gibb, the daughter she gave up for adoption 32 years earlier. 22 0 00 00 0 Carlos Santana earns his second #1 single with “Maria, Maria” from his “Supernatural” album. 22 0 00 033 Soul singer Edwin Starr, who had hits with “War”, “Agent Double-O Soul” and “Twenty-five Miles”, died of a heart attack on April 1st, at the age of 61.
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