Trips Inside My Mind

Trips Inside My Mind

By Celeste R. Williams, MFA

Poetry written from me to you Starting from when it hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe Until the day all the pain went away

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Acknowledgements To the wise and eternal God who sits high and looks low, I thank you for giving me the creativity and determination to write this book. It means everything that you have given me the strength to make something fantastic. I honor your love for me and the gift you have given me. I will not disappoint.

To my lover, partner and friend, James Antonio, I love you for all the nights you gave up intimacy for work. You have shown me that I can’t be afraid to go after what I want, just because it’s not guaranteed.

Your love lifts me higher than ever before.

To my mother, Ms. Rita… many times, you were harder on me than the others because of your determination for me to make something of my life. I didn’t get it then… I kinda get it now. Thank you for making sure I knew how to read.

To my friends who buy everything I create and support me through every endeavor (and you know who you are) … you give me the wings to fly like an eagle.

To all my readers and book purchasers, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER!!!! Without you, I would have no way of telling people all that goes on in my mind.

Please enjoy the trips inside my mind… it’s a scary place sometimes!!!!!

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Table of Contents Historical Poetry of a Childhood Forgotten Memories Family Ode to the Children Be Still My Child, Are You that Somebody Untitled Our Unborn Child I Didn’t Ask for this Life I… You… My Man I’m Sorry A Thousand Times Over The Saddest Day of My Life This May Be the Last Time The Price of Love, pt. 1 The Price of Love, pt. 2 My Chocolate Brown My Child Alone You Took Her My Perfect Dozen What Cancer Can’t Do Alexandria Rebecca 4

Modern Poetry of a Woman Healed Enough My Man Baby So Gone Haiku Central Greed Sloth Envy Lust Anger Pride Gluttony Death Music Coding Dazzling Diamantes Lover Beauty Grace Stick with the Acrostics Honey Buns Motherly Love Heartbeat Passion Life-Saver

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Historical Poetry of a Childhood Forgotten

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Memories Remember those days When everything was the same We would never fuss or fight Back then everything was tight But now things have changed Now you're not the same What could it be I never knew what true love was like Until the day that I found you I prayed, I hoped and then you came to me But now I see it was just a fantasy You used me and you abused me But it's over now When we were young We used to have fun Spending time together every night But now things have changed You are not the same Finally, I've seen the light You're gone!!!!!!

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Family Families are people Who always have your back When times are tough Or getting rough They stand by your side Helping to be your guide Helping you to provide For yourself I'm grateful for families Who stand strong through thick or thin The good, the bad, the heartaches and pain Families love one another through sunshine and rain Families take care of each other No matter how hard it may be This is how the perfect family is And how every family should be!!!

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Ode to the Children My daughter is crying for me Why, I cannot say She knows it hurts me to know she's hurting And I'll come without delay Instead of kneeling and praying She paces and moans and weeps She covers her ears to drown out the pain But then she can't hear me speak My son, whom I gave all the favor I made you just like me So why do you try and hide yourself Like I'm blind and can't see You use drugs and alcohol To try and shield you away from me But I still see my light in you Shining as bright as can be‌

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Be Still, My Child Be still, my child Don't you worry now I hear you calling and I know your there Be strong, my child Dry you weeping eyes You belong to me and You know I care I can tell from your pain you need me My precious one, I need you too All you must do is call me And I'll come rescue you My love, you are so special I created this world just for you I'll never give you more than you can handle Because that's how much I love you

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Are You that Somebody??

Words cannot express The secrets and lies That hide beneath Those big brown eyes All this time I longed for you So much sometimes I didn't know what to do

But you toyed with me Sometimes wanting me ... sometimes not Until I realized that all of this must stop I need someone who will be there for me Lifting me up when I can't see I need someone who understands Someone who I can place my life in their hands The final question I must ask to you "Are you that somebody?"

Is he you??

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Untitled Some days It seems my world is in a maze My friends are 2 faced My enemies are all over the place Beating down my spirit They are all complicit In creating a woman too scared to feel love However, I digress And try to release the stress Of a life lived in pain Poverty and strain In this time of my life I’m covered in strife I’m too scared to try and soar like a dove When things just ain't the same Through beatings and rapes and sincere pain

My innocence was lost My mid paid the cost

My fears take up the space reserved for hope

Then I wake up And life is over

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Our Unborn Child Our unborn child is lonely His aunts and uncles too They're sad because they'll never get To see the things, you’ll do Our unborn child is crying His brothers and sisters too They're sad because they probably Won't even remember you Our unborn child is hurting His Mommy is too Because we never got the chance To say how much, WE LOVE YOU

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I Didn't Ask for This Life I remember those days in high school I obeyed every rule No fights, no suspensions, just me being good Not caring how I looked in the hood Then menopause hit You started treating me like s**t All I did was burn the chicken Pow! Pow! Right in the back I went down like a sack And then when I couldn't rise You did it for me For a while I thought my name had changed The things you called me weren't the same For Years, I was teased By those who I thought were my friends Then I came home Where the teasing didn't end I didn't ask for this life But I'll take it away

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I... You...

I was lonely You were there I was upset You were there I thought you loved me Because you were there I wanted you Because you were there I said No You said yes I tried to run You held me down I tried to scream You covered my mouth I cried You said, "Shut up, Bi*ch" I died inside You laughed outside I was there

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My Man My man So strong and yet so caring Not willing to be swayed by anything He treated me like a person Someone worthy of protection A Real Person Like he sees me The real me The strong me The sensitive me My man Strong, sensitive Always talking proper Sometimes treating me like an equal Never showing me that you care Never showing that you don't I don't know if you want to be my man But for now, you are

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I'm Sorry How many ways Can I say it I never meant to hurt you No, not you You were always nice to me Me The Black Sheep of the group and You The Fallen Angel You befriended me When no one else would Showed me how much it means To be a friend...

A true friend A pure friend And me betraying your trust How many ways can I say it‌ I'm Sorry... I’m so sorry Can You ever forgive me??

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A Thousand Times Over I know the story I've heard it a thousand times over Woman gets beaten – Leaves her abusive husband- Dead on the floor Locked in a jail cell Well, that's not my story I did leave my abusive husband - In a body bag Not his - mine I wouldn't listen to the stories I'd heard a thousand times over Instead I became one For someone else to hear a thousand times over To ignore over again

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The Saddest Day of My Life I lost our baby It broke my heart Even though she was conceived in anger She was conceived in hatred She was mine and I loved her She was mine and I needed her I remember when I found out about her I loved her that very moment Jasmine Charmaine That was her name You took her from me The same way you gave her to me In anger In hatred You took her I didn't lose our baby You lost our baby You lost our child and I hate you!!!

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This May Be the Last Time This may be the last day I sit before you To listen to you To hold your words in my mind This may be the last time I get to tell you I love you... I missed you... I need you This may be the last time That you get to say Honey, I need you to need me... to love me...

To miss me You missed your turn Don’t run and hide Or let it burn Approach me Get to know me Help me to become Your one and only Because we will never know if This is the last time‌

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The Price of Love pt.1 Today I spent the day Thinking about you Your name raced through my mind so much and I don't know what to do I called and called but got no answer Too tired to talk to me I wondered if it was something I did I was blind but now I see Even though it wasn't official I made you into him The way we talked The way I felt Then reality set in I wanted something so bad To make you feel for me what he wouldn't But then I realized True love won't let us be

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The Price of Love pt.2 Loneliness Despair and regret These are all the price of love But what really makes for true love?

The gift that’s sent from Heaven above A smiling face A kiss or an embrace A gentle touch or a massage in the night A way to turn on the light in my life This price of love is too high for me Taking me to a place where I can no longer see I know one thing And that’s for sure I can pay this price of love No more

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My Chocolate Brown The perfect boy I met him in High School He was the greatest And he wasn't even cool He used to be my boyfriend Back when life was good He lived around the corner After I moved out the hood His kisses were wet Softer than I'd ever dreamed He touched me just right Had me feelin' like a fiend I really miss those days When you were around My African Prince* My Chocolate Brown

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My Child Alone It was the hardest day of my life One that I will never forget The hardest 12 steps I've ever taken Are 12 steps I will regret Into that clinic and Into that place Where hearts are broken Lives are erased Knowing the consequences I lay on the table Knowing my decision My life just wasn’t stable I took the shot and I took your life Dear Lawd, Don’t Let me go to jail tonight My child No one else’s but mine My child My child alone

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You Took Her My child Not yours or anybody else But mine All mine You took that away from me You made her disappear Only 3 months old Still in my body Where she was supposed to be safe From all harm Until that day You broke my heart When you took her from me Her mother I wonder if it's my fault I couldn't protect her My child You took her My Child She’s gone

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My Perfect Dozen January 22, 2004 The most special day of my life 12 children born, all healthy and strong I was in labor all night long One child after another The pain seemed never-ending My husband was so calm I thought he wasn't attending My children that I'd prayed for That I asked God for Amanda, Amelia, Samantha, Cecilia Robert, William, Brandon, Michael Keisha, Michelle, Jermaine, and Junior My perfect 12... my perfect dozen The children I always wanted The family I always needed Finally, here and finally mine I am so happy my dream has come true My kids will always love me & I'll always love them too.

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What Cancer Can't Do I'll tell you this now It will always be true There are just two things That Cancer can't do.

Cancer can't divide A family that loves A family that shows it With kisses and hugs.

Cancer can't destroy The family that prays For the Lord will provide Much brighter days.

So heed these words 'Cause they reign true These are the two things That cancer can't do.

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Alexandria Rebecca I remember the very day You cried into this world And from all the trouble you caused I knew you'd be a girl.

On August 11, 2003 At Maryland General In my own private suite For 68 hours, I cried out in pain Not having anyone but myself to blame.

You were so stubborn, not wanting to leave me Coming out butt-first for the whole world to see.

At last you were here; my long wait was over As they lifted you from my stomach and placed you at my shoulder.

You were so small, 6 lbs., 8oz You were so tall, 21.5 in. long You were everything Mommy wanted you to be You, Alexandria Rebecca, are the angel God sent to me.

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Poetry of a Woman Healed

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Enough You take from me All that you can see Nothing ever satisfies you And all the things you want to do.

First, my liver, As if I don’t need her Then my eyes, Guess you wanted to keep your lies.

You take them so I can’t see All the terrible things you have done to me Next, you take my heart You always had it from the start Finally, you take my soul What belonged to me, you now hold.

You keep a small piece of it Every time you call me sh*t The it is me Why should this be?

Every time you tell a lie Every time you make me cry Those pieces add up bit by bit 32

To create the masterpiece, you now control Inside you hand, you do hold The thing that makes me who I am.

And for you, all of me still isn’t enough.

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My Man Baby Loving you is easy Breaking up impossible Having you in my life Makes me feel unstoppable Days turn to night With you next to me Keeping me from harm And setting me free Freedom from the hurt that chains down Freedom from the pain of loves lost before Freedom from the sorrow that burdens me Freedom that allows me to live and soar Your love carries me away To a new home Your love keeps me calm And keeps from being alone You take me to higher heights You take me to deeper depths You make me‌ ME!!!

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So Gone Days turn to nights with you now gone Love without you just feels so wrong Like a record, playing, with no song Like Cheech, after he lost his Chong Minutes turn to hours in the naked silence Both of us, well, we’re victims of violence Victims of noncompliance Perpetrators of defiance Wishing I could have you back Hoping that I can stay on track Wishing I could stay off crack Knowing that nothing will bring you back Praying for when the day shall come When we meet again under the Sun After we each have succumb To the debt that makes all men numb I miss you everyday In every conceivable way I can’t wait until I see you again

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Haiku Central Greed You take from me now Everything I have you want My SOUL sits empty Sloth (Letter from Grandma) Lazy children cry Your life, much better than hers How can you complain?

Envy (Letter from Daughter) Beatings unconscious Yet the grands do what they want Now I hate you more Lust My vagina aches To feel your love inside me Let’s sneak away now Anger Abused as a child Adult life ruined forever No one takes the blame

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Pride Never say “sorry�

Even if you mean it true Life must move on now Gluttony Eating takes the pain Emptiness forever haunts Buffet awaits me Death You took him away And gave me a brand-new life How can I say thanks?

Music The maker of love The keeper down in my soul Make me new again Coding You torment me so I grapple with you daily You will set me free

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Dazzling Diamantes Lover You Found me In a lonely desolate place You kept me in your loving arms I am forever grateful In love with You Beauty Lightening It’s flash amazes Gives way to a beautiful night My lack of hearing comforts me through The light rages on into The void with Beauty Grace With grace In the time of trouble You wrap me in your loving grip And hold me close enough to feel you You take me higher than ever imagined And give me joy unbearable And peace

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Patience In Love You adore me Absolutely, you lift me And keep me with your understanding You know no limits with patience Your love transcends What I know As Tolerance Him My Lover Protect me With your loving arms Never let me go no matter what Your embrace calms me And remind me Of You Possibilities You give me The chance to fly And make me life good again Over all the hurt and pain of childhood The chance to soar Into the new Promises

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Stick with the Acrostics Honey Buns Join me in holy matrimony Always protect my honor Make me climax at your touch Earn my trust and respect Stay with me forever Motherly Love Raise me like your own Instill in me self-determination Torture me with chores Always encourage me to excel Heartbeat Leaving me open to heartbreak Only you can hurt me time and time again Voice your opinion of the man in my life Ease my pain and calm my fears Passion Send me a love like no other Eat my heart through my vagina X-claim my love for you in moans

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Life-Saver With me forever Raising me to a higher standard Inviting me to learn and grow Taking me places I could never imagine Including friends I’ve never met Never leaving nor forsaking me Giving me hope in a hopeless place More Than the Job Tuned into the needs of the children Educating them in my content Always listening to their hearts Changing their weaknesses to strengths Honoring their innate powers Earning every penny of my salary Reaching goals daily My Life’s Calling Examining what I want from life Diving head first into the waters of school Ugly grades bring tears of sorrow Chasing after what I know is mine Always believing in myself Taking time to learn all I could Investing in my future‌ no one else will Only pleasing myself in the process Never looking back to dark days 41