e XCESS 2
Money
Travel
Fashion
What’s On
Lifestyle
Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Mariah Hedges deputylifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
The only way is Excess In the land of Excess, you don’t get any more excessive than TOWIE. So in the spirit of Christmas, e2 gave the ultimate gift to one drab and dreary student, making them into a Essex Girl for one day only.
B A R D
get a girlfr life iend
ry a e d h o ry a e r d o s
what a
lifeless
And so this is Christmas. Well it will be in a couple of weeks. At the time of writing it’s still November but that isn’t stopping us from getting in the Christmas spirit.
Rather than having a directly Christmas related theme we decided to base this issue on . That means a lot of content on a lot of stuff. It’s a bit of a sensation gorger and we hope you like it.
excess
lush lush lush
s u o e g r go
dull dull dull n o i s s e r dep ion sess
B A F
o i wantBtFF be her
babe
luvvin this
e2 is brought to you by Lifestyle : Imogen Palmer and Mariah Hedges What’s On : Olivia Stephany Fashion : Francesca Clayton and Lizzy Bullock Travel : Verity Stockdale Money : Alex Denne
with e2 editor : Matthew McCrory illustrator : Sophie Sladen
cover photography : Ben Eddings cover styling : Grace Keisner
cover models (l-r) : Raakhi Chotai and Josephine Suherman
05. 12. 2011
Snog, marry, avoid?
How to get the look No-one can deny that the TOWIE girls are, like, the undisputed queens of the ‘more is more’ look. However, it isn’t as easy as you might think to fit in with the totes exclusive Essex crowd… but never fear! We’ve got the definitive guide to looking reem: all your mates will be well jel and you’ll be able to pass for a regular down Sugar Hut before you know it.
1.Fake tan: to really master the Essex look, you’ll need to cover yourself from head to toe in the slimy, biscuity-smelling stuff, and when you think you’re sufficiently orange, that’s exactly the cue to put on some more. ‘Burnt terracotta’ is the desired shade – the aim is to cause as many reactions along the lines of ‘Sha’aaaap!’ as possible. 2.Hair: the bigger the better, yeah babes? Hair is, like, a major priority for any Essex girl, so it’s worthwhile investing in rollers, extensions and hair dye (oh my gawwwd you totes wouldn’t just stick with what you have naturally!) 3.Fake eyelashes: falsies are, like, a total must. After all, you wouldn’t want to look like a natural human being now, would you, babes? And just the one pair won’t cut it – think like Katie Price and layer those babies up until they’re weighing down your eye lids so much that you can barely keep your peepers open. Sexy, yeah? 4.Clothes: throw away everything you own, and replace it all with items two sizes too small. Obvs you gotta show off the result of your ‘no carbs before Marbs’ hard work! Anything Swarovski encrusted, animal print or neon is a yes, or just, like, hit up Minnie’s Boutique to be safe. Miniskirts and stupidly high heels are totes obligatory (who would want to walk when you could awkwardly totter around in pain?), along with push-up bras forcing your boobs into your face. So hot, yeah? 5.Fake nails: (are you sensing a trend along the lines of fake?) any Essex girl worth her leopard print knows that acrylic nails are the way to go, preferably so long that you can’t actually do anything with your hands. The ability to do up buttons? No thanks, I’d totes rather leave them undone but be able to, like, scratch my head easily...
2
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3-6 hours
30
mins
1
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1
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‘O. M.G babes I am lovin this! Heart, heart, heart your nails they’re gorgeeee! If you wana inbox me we can catch up at Oceana really soon yeah?? Mwah mwah mwah lurve you gurl, kisses!’ Coral, Economics, 3rd year ‘I would.’
6.Make-up:
cake it on with a shovel (if you accidentally scratched your cheek, you should be able to scrape off a good inch under those nails). And obvs all that fake tan isn’t going to be enough, so it’s time to pile on the bronzer, preferably with really obvious flecks of glitter in. Then add some more glitter for good measure. If you can’t afford lip fillers, a plumping gloss is, like, a necessity to master the permanent pout. Reem.
1.5
hours
7.The vajazzle: what is there to say? Why wouldn’t you want a blinged-up nether region? And girls, you’re not the only ones who get to enjoy this accessory – seriously, on my life, the pejazzle is upon us. (However long you can hack it) Well there you have it. Now that you’ve got the look, all you need to do is perfect your attitude and you’re sorted. The simple way to do that: start every sentence with ‘Oh my gawwwd, yeah’, and you’re good to go! Excessive? Sha’ap, babes! Sugar Hut had totes better watch out…
1
hour
13
hours
Daniel, Biology, 2nd year
‘Very Gucci. And the hair; reminiscent of Galliano circa 2008. I actually think this girl might be on to something here! The more is more look is SO relevant to next season. In fact, I might put her on my moodboard. Thank you so much for the inspiration darling’. Andre, English, 3rd year ‘Why would you ask me? I just find that inappropriate’ Brian, Maths tutor ‘I totally met someone like that on my gap yah. They were like another species, yah. I think they speak in a secret code, it was totally super-incomprehensible. Save the elephants!’ Theodora, History of Art, 1st year ‘Yeh, she looks nice. I’m not gay.’
Rachel Hosie
John, Drama, 1st year
More, more, more! How do you like it? How do you like it? Much as I’m disinclined to take fashion advice – or any advice at all - from people who ‘didn’t think yellow was invented in, like, the olden days (black and white films can be very confusing it seems) as winter sets in and my skin is so pale I easily pass for a reject member of the Twilight cast I find myself wondering whether dousing myself in fake tan would really be so bad. And if I’m willing to pretend I spent reading week basking on a beach in St. Lucia, who’s to say I can’t go all the way and wear false eyelashes, and have hair so voluminous that it warrants its own postcode? As someone who ashamedly goes to Uni every day wearing my lacrosse sweatshirt,
and tracksuit bottoms, surely a little glamour in my life could be no bad thing. I regularly get mistaken for an out of shape sports coach, and once an earnest looking teacher in an anorak tried to shepherd me onto a coach waiting outside my house to go to an archaeological dig. On reflection, however, there are several valid reasons why becoming a fully fledged Essex girl would be a terrible idea for me. Primarily laziness is a huge factor. It takes my (very orange) friend two hours to get ready for a night out. I watch in amazement as she applies a layer of fake tan, blow-dries her body, applies make-up, adds another layer of fake tan, blow-dries her body yet again and then gets dressed. By the time she’s tried on nine outfits and applied her eyelashes
(three sets which make her eyelids droop to the point of closure), I’ve lost the will to live and turned to drink. If I had to do as much as her to get myself ready I’d no doubt lose momentum half-way and leave the house with only one eye’s fake eyelashes on. Another undeniable drawback is the hideous jewellery, involving lots of cubic zirconia – it’s not diamond, who do you think you’re fooling? And I’d rather not come home from a night out with injuries inflicted by my own over-sized hoops. Finally, and most importantly, if being a glamorous Essex girl means I have to use words like ‘reem’ and find men, with more styling products in their hair than me, attractive, then count me out.
Eleanor Wheeler
: n o i t a r e p r O e g r u B y b Scoo
Fashion Travel
Most people tend to focus on diets and low calorie options but there are still strongholds of cooking where excess is the only way to success. With shows like Man vs. Food as inspiration, restaurants all over the world are creating incredible challenges for their customers to see how far they will go to satisfy their hunger. Britain’s biggest burger can be found in our very own Bristol: I accepted the all-important mission to investigate on behalf of e2 and its readers. 1800 hours. The Jolly Fryer’s restaurant in Filton, deep in the enemy territory of UWE. The operation was simple. There was me, my crack team of operatives, and one hostile: the Scooby Burger. I just had to get in, get the burger, eat the burger, and get out. Sounds easy, but I’ve been eating long enough (pretty much 20 years) to know that meals are, if anything, unpredictable. On arrival, I told the owner that I was the operative my C.O. at e2 had sent. He seemed a little confused, so I elaborated.
‘This mighty arsenal of calories adds up to 2,645: over the RDA for a man.’
‘The guy who’s going to eat the burger?’ This seemed to grab my contact’s attention, and within minutes we had struck an agreement. I took a seat and waited fifteen minutes for my adversary. In the mean time, my driver and my back-up gave me a pep talk and we discussed tactics. One suggestion was to attempt to dislocate my jaw like a snake devouring its prey, or to plunge head-first into the burger and ignore any gruesome splatter effect. No matter how much preparation I went through, when the burger was finally revealed to me, even my meal-hardened senses were taken aback. Weighing in at an intimidating 1.5 kg, standing at a height of 6 inches and containing the food by-products of the entirety of a small farmyard, I had met my match.
When asked to write an article on my ‘excessive’ gastronomic tendencies, I nearly choked on my crème brûlée. While my penchant for fine foodstuffs may surpass what is generally deemed necessary or acceptable in the hour of our wintry Wall Street discontent, it is nevertheless in line with my overweening desire for more overindulgence. And so I find myself in another Olde Worlde tea room. Clotted cream globes off my polished spoon, landing squarely on the scone below. Just one bite overwhelms the palate: delight at the initial sweetness, succeeded by the sensation of my larynx expanding a little wider than is comfortable, for the unctuous mass to pass down the little red lane to satiety. It’s my third cream tea this week, and it’s only Wednesday.
Money
Deputy: Mariah Hedges deputylifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
Excessive consumption
What’s On
Lifestyle
Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
I’ve no time to masticate slowly – it’s just too delicious for words. Gulps of Rose tea; a few quips to my dining companions whose names – Madeleine, Matthias and Leonora – befit the Art Déco feel of the place and the experience is past. A fait accompli. The transient pleasure does not fill me with the afterglow of satisfaction, nor indeed any remote sense of well-being, but rather, the sensation of loss. Fleeting moments of pleasure pass like chinks of light between two great chasms of eternal darkness, where gourmet food is concerned. A proponent of gastronomic taste and discernment since birth, I am of below average means, and no lotus-eater: I am a scholar by day; a call centre droid by night. But I will gladly forfeit taxis for Tisanes, holidays for Hot smoked mackerel.
The hostile was composed of four beef burgers, eight rashers of bacon, eight slices of cheese, twelve onion rings, salad and three different sauces. I intended to systematically eliminate each of these targets, layer by layer and return to H.Q. victoriously. I came across some vital intel on the exact calorie count that I would be facing: the four beef burgers contained 1,160 calories; the onion rings, 300; the bacon, 275; the cheese, 480; the salad, 44; the BBQ sauce, burger sauce and relish, 40; the mayonnaise, 90 and the white burger bap, 256. This mighty arsenal of calories totals up to 2645, over the RDA for a man. Once I’d sized up my opponent, the assault started simply enough and, having confidently set aside the cutlery that was offered, I successfully separated the burger into sections, and began. Compliments must be paid to my opponent; as a frequent visitor to fast food locations, I had not expected a burger that was actually of good quality and prepared fresh in front of me. Clearly a WMD (Wrecking-ball of a Meat Dish) that the Jolly Fryer and its staff were proud of, I felt it an honour to challenge the Scooby Burger to single combat. That being said, the operation was not smooth sailing. Fifteen minutes in and roughly half way through the burger, I found that my reserves were failing. I desperately looked to my transport and my back-up for support. Unfortunately, they too seemed to have run out of inspiration. The burger, meanwhile, seemed to have grown stronger. Each bite required more chewing, and more chewing required more energy, and more energy made me more tired. I feared I had hit ‘the wall’, but, either out of stupidity, courage, or simple, stubborn nature to never leave food on my plate, I pushed on. I would like to report that I tackled and took down the fearsome burger, but sadly, that just isn’t true. With my head hanging low, I called in the cavalry. Until we meet again, Scooby Burger.
I am not, however entirely destitute of virtue, and would describe myself as an Ethic-curean: an enchanting portmanteau of ethical – designating my concern for sustainability and locally sourced Free Range products (where possible) - and Epicurean – one who seeks the attainment pleasure. While such excess may still seem unwarranted and indeed recall for some the grotesque immorality of decadent Roman emperors, in whose marble palaces the allegedly vast consumption of wonderful ancient foodstuffs would be matched only by their zeal for lechery and orgastic rites, my life is otherwise a quiet affair; my days spent in the simple, pastoral pleasures of reading and song. While cautionary tales warning against excess abound, none is more poignant than the untimely demise of King Henry I, who is said to have died in Normandy from eating ‘a surfeit of lampreys’. This is possibly the least heroic death you can imagine, although the French kings of yore who feasted unknowingly on poisoned sugared almonds come a close second. Unfazed, I expect my epitaph shall read: excess in excess.
Frances Forbes-Carbines
Stephen Hartill
05. 12. 2011
Unwrapping Pandora’s box In this, the season of good will, I have a special present for my little Fandoras. I must admit that I have grown weary of your pathetic requests and childish inadequacies. The very thought of the postman’s bulging sack without my help over the Christmas break makes me feel violently ill. As such I’m taking a stand and present you with my top tips for surviving the holidays. A successful yuletide is built on one simple philosophy: forget Jesus, Christmas should be all about you. I’ve kept it simple for those of you with an attention deficit. As much as I love my fans (which isn’t much at all) I can’t help but feel that you are all rather dense. Be ungrateful and ungracious - what have your parents ever really done for you? Sure, they paid for your education, sustenance and townhouse lodging but what have they really done for you? Never say please or thank you when making a request. If they offer to pay for something ask why they insist on financially subjugating you. If they don’t offer to pay ask why they don’t love you. Be sexually non-specific– refer to your ‘partner’ with gender-neutral names and pronouns. If you don’t appear sexually ambiguous you won’t appear interesting. You can also try mentioning that your partner flew home for the break. Nothing will annoy daddy more than the idea that you’re dating a man (or woman) from foreign climes. Heaven forbid his porcelain princess ‘go native’. Demand total attention – not because you want it: because you’re going to need it. Act as uncontrollably as possible so that you act as a constant source of stress and worry. Hopefully you haven’t seen your ‘loved ones’ in months so the least you could ask for is their undivided attention. (Mis)treat your body to the finer things in life – if you’re doing it right people won’t have a clue what you’re going to do next. The best way to do this is to ensure that you have no idea what you’re doing either. This is easily achieved by having on and off days: days when you’re ‘on’ prescription medications and days when you’re ‘off’ the rails. Be in a constant hungover state - make sure that your actions have at least a short to mid-term impact on your body and your behaviour. If you wake up with a hangover pretend it’s morning sickness. That way you panic yourself and your parents. Wear as little as possible – Who says you need to wear clothes? Society, that’s who. But why should middle class, middle aged white men decide what you do? Regardless of identified gender wear nothing but boxer shorts. Garbed in this rebellious state of undress is the best time to help around the house. Answer the door to visiting ‘dignitaries’ with disdain. ‘My, haven’t you grown!’ your father’s repressed and repulsive friends will exclaim. Tell them to fuck off. Question the very core of Christmas - Let everyone know that you think they’ve lost the real meaning of Christmas. Whatever that means. Ask non-Christians why they celebrate the day. Ask Christians why they follow such a heteronormative Caucasian-centric doctrine. Reject any rebuttals with vague, sweeping and, above all, offensive replies. Find a ‘believer’ that writes ‘xmas’; ridicule them endlessly.
Single belles ‘What’s the weather like at Christmas Jodie?!...It’s rein...deer!’ As my perfected fake laugh ensued, I was disgusted at myself. I cringed in my chair at the thought of what I had become; donning a embarrassing knitted Christmas jumper and forcing down leftover Turkey casserole, I couldn’t help but wish that I hadn’t agreed to go to Josh’s Boxing Day family gathering. Fast-forward two years and my ex-boyfriend’s family festivities seem a distant memory, buried alongside the polar bear jumper and my annual knitted tea-cosy. No more fake laughing at his Dad’s horrendous jokes, no more avoiding the sloppy kiss from his Uncle Barry, no more pretending I didn’t fancy the festive pants off of his sexier, taller, older brother: I have sleighed my coupled-up status and entered the world of the Singletons.
box, my eyes lit up at the prospect of the vintage necklace I’d fallen in love with a few weeks earlier adorning my lonely neck. As I prised open the delicate box, I held back tears as a plastic (!) compact mirror fell into my lap, the £8.99 price tag hanging like Josh’s head should have been in shame.
are the days of buttoned up cardigans and woolly tights for the annual family church visits, my agnostic self and I take every opportunity to make the most of Christmas fancy dress - stockings and all!
Instead of the traditional family gathering, I head off on a night with the girls; where festive spirit is great and the flow of spirits is even greater. Necking back the ho ho mojitos, I must say that being a Singleton at Christmas beats having a fella hands down. Long gone
I used to stress for hours over the perfect gift, thrilled when I had finally saved up and hunted down front row tickets to his favourite band for New Year’s Eve (Yes, I know just what you’re thinking - how am I still single?). As he handed me the small, perfectly wrapped little
This ‘incident’ was the first of many that made me realise a Singleton’s Christmas was simply far more appealing. His Auntie Valerie’s suggestion that we send out joint Christmas cards next year made me want to run out the door faster than Santa up a chimney. The breaking point was the time that his Grandad made me sit on his lap in front of the entire extended Spencer clan and asked me, and I’m not joking, if ‘I’d been naughty or nice this year...?’ Cue regurgitation of his wife’s overcooked turkey casserole.
Jodie White
Society Slut Society Slut is open-minded, ifyou know what I mean. Very open-minded. I’m a doer. I go for it. The Society Slut doesn’t think much about the future. I find it over-rated. I believe you should get what you can get while you can get it and think about the consequences later. How people have self-restraint at finger buffets I never understand. Apparently some people do have concerns about the future. Some people are so concerned they’ve formed a society in order to communally panic over their future career. I don’t blame them; with my wide array of skills, knowledge and expertise obtained from going undercover (and under covers) in the society scene, I am still a tad ignorant when it comes to investment banking. Investment Soc. Oof. Even the name gives me an antierection. The event I attended was a careers talk ran by a wellknown bank followed by casual networking at Zero Degrees. I didn’t know what I was more excited for: finally finding out what a hedge fund was or the £2000 (!) bar tab the society’s sponsors had provided. Misconception one: it would consist solely of suit wearing men. Sure, the majority of the audience were rather dapper looking young gents but the (male) speaker was keen to dispel the ‘banking is a male-dominated sexist environment’ image. This was done by presenting us with a female colleague and letting us know we could ask her any questions we liked about getting pregnant and how female bankers dealt with such obstacles. I’m afraid to say Julia looked highly uncomfortable. Misconception two: I’d finally understand how investment banking works. Beware attending these talks if you are not fluent in economic and financial terminology. Despite the highly detailed talk and PowerPoint presentation on investment banking (including one slide entitled ‘what is a hedge fund?’) I am no less ignorant. Perhaps I was simply distracted by the fact that the speaker was rather hunky (clearly prime brokers use the same hard work ethic for both banking and the gym). Who knew phrases such as ‘Global Investor Appetite’ and ‘Naked Short Selling’ could be so exhilarating? Misconception three: they would be rude to those who were clearly outsiders. I was suit-less. I had a distinct lack of penis (not that they were looking). Maths and economics are not exactly my fortés. Yet, they were very friendly and welcoming when I ‘networked’ with them later. Apparently you can get into investment banking from most degree backgrounds as long as you can demonstrate you have a keen interest. Who’d have thunk it? The main speaker from the talk even remembered my name as I was leaving and gave me a cheeky wink on the way out. What a babe.
societyslut@epigram.org.uk
Inves
tment
Soc
Free s tu Sex fa ff: 10/10 ctor: 8 / Soul : 2 10 /10
The Xcess Factor I hate the X-Factor. It’s contrived, it’s artificial and it’s bloody boring. Series to series we get exactly the same songs, exactly the same participants, and exactly the same theatrics from the judges. There are so many things wrong with the program that I even feel pangs of nausea as I write. The over-extravagance begins from the minute the judges step self-righteously out of their chauffeur driven cars and the doting masses let out screams of adoration- do people know it’s just another episode of the X-Factor? Barely a minute goes by without there being an excessive bombardment of cleverly manipulated multimedia TV effects to entrance the viewers. My personal favourite is the particular moment when a contestant goes through to the next round.. What ensues is a slow motion close-up of the contestant’s elated face as Take That’s ‘Shine’ resounds in the background: a cheeky wink from Simon Cowell, and, if we’re really lucky some tears from Cheryl Cole (Kelly Rowland is an equally talented weeper). Oh the drama! This is the X-Factor’s weapon of mass destruction- constructing the perfect faux-emotional situation. But what’s tragic is how effective this mechanism is; the masses fall straight into the trap and are filled with an overwhelming sense of empathy, causing them to do crazy things like waste £1 per phone call desperately trying to ensure the success of this absolute stranger on TV. What has society done to make people ‘dream’ of a ‘career’ singing offensively poor pop-music that they don’t even write themselves? It’s actually an interesting sociological point. We are very much caught up in celebrity culture, where literally anyone can be famous. Even chefs can be famous now- chefs! The X-Factor is this epitome of this celebrity culture: the contestants are not musicians, they don’t even try to be; they don’t write songs, they don’t play instruments and can barely sing. Music is the pretence of the show, behind the facade lies nothing more than a narcissistic popularity contest carefully engineered by the ultimate narcissist himself; Simon Cowell. Winning the X-Factor is not winning the opportunity to go and pursue one’s musical ambitions; it is winning the opportunity to become Simon Cowell’s latest product. Through the X-factor, Cowell has managed to monopolise the music industry with some of the most offensive music known to mankind; Cher Lloyd, Alexandra Burke, Shayne Ward to name but a few. What is so sickening is how much money and acclaim Cowell has accrued through the marketing of such awful products. For me, JLS (protégés of Cowell) epitomise everything wrong with the X-Factor. Four boys, in tank-tops, with earrings, makeup, straightened hair, singing about how they can’t live without their ‘baby girl’. Disgusting. What’s more disgusting is how much fame and popularity we’ve allowed them to attain. The X-Factor is not a talent competition, it’s a money-spinning popularity contest craftily orchestrated by Simon Cowell and his fat cats to feed their fat wallets and their even fatter egos. Spencer Terry
Travel
Picture: Damien Grasset
Fashion
What’s On
Lifestyle
Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
Money
The X- Society 7:30 am on a Wednesday in mid November, 2025. The radio alarm whirrs into life, blaring out the latest offerings from the XFactor finalists. Since Simon Cowell, millionaire, media baron and Prime Minister, bought the radio stations, they have been the nation’s early morning wake up call. Some people can still distantly remember the days when you could only vote on the weekends. Nowadays, of course, the phone lines never close. Dermot gets no sleep. Cowell has decided that the best way to make difficult decisions is through XFactor-style voting. After all, the public know best. In April, our screens will be filled with eager University applicants. Thousands will take part, judges overseeing proceedings but the public making the final decisions. The prospective students will have to pass
live aptitude tests as well as proving themselves to have the right sort of ‘qualities’ for a university career. People tend to vote for contestants that they know, but being likable is absolutely key to being successful. It’s not enough to simply have the grades anymore. That is by no means all of it. Thousands of other shorter votes take place all the time, mini-series’ where we can decide if struggling families get council houses, which teachers get jobs, whether or not children get adopted. Everything it seems is now up to us. With such excessive control over the fate of others it’s a wonder we cope. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the ‘X Society’. The power is in your hands. Laura Berrisford
Deputy: Mariah Hedges deputylifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
The Revolution will not be televised ‘I’m just a lonely Jew on Christmas’ Every year, around this time, the pangs of tinsel envy start setting in. I’m overcome with the burning desire to mull things that I don’t usually mull and the overwhelming urge to roast things on open fires. Aside from the whole Jesus thing, I’m full of the spirit of Christmas: fairy lights, food, booze, consumerism, snow...all things I can (in varying degrees) get on board with. I don’t know why I have such warm and fuzzy associations with the holiday, given that it’s one I’ve never celebrated, but that doesn’t stop me from coming over all tingly when the lights go up. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a real Christmas to shatter the overblown Adland romanticism of yuletide - I spent last 25th December in my PJs eating bagels and schmear, and watching ‘Come Dine With Me’ until my eyes bled. I didn’t cry at ‘The Notebook’, but the John Lewis Christmas ad makes me well up. Mostly because of its great Smiths cover (but also, the childlike innocence beaming from that little boy’s bowl-haircut-topped mug). Obviously the flipside of the sheer delicious, snowdusted wintry scene, ginger-bread-house, nightsdrawing-in-at-four, mulled-cider, german-market, twinkly-lightedness of the whole thing is what Binge Britain is best at -going a bit overboard.
‘Merry bloody Christmas, retail consumerism, you’ve pissed all over my dreams.’ Anthropologist, Kate Fox spoke recently to the BBC about a set of studies suggesting that the behaviour we exhibit when drunk is dictated by cultural rules and norms, not by chemical reactions. Whilst alcohol does reduce inhibitions and slow reaction times, there’s nothing to link it specifically with violence or promiscuous behaviour. These drunken behaviours are only symptomatic in temperance cultures such as the UK, United States and Australia, where drinking carries a moral pressure. In integrated drinking cultures like France, Spain and Latin America, alcohol consumption is as morally neutral as drinking coffee and, despite higher alcohol consumption, cultural beliefs and expectations mean that people don’t exhibit these anti-social drinking behaviours. However, this ingrained social problem and the wider health and crime-related implications pale in comparison with the horror of the Littlewoods Christmas advert. In 41 soul-shrivelling seconds they manage to sweep aside all quaint, joyous, familial notions of Noël, casually booting Santa in the face as they run, laughing maniacally to the bank. In the advert, the uglier lovechild of Catherine Tate and Beelzebub sticks her head between the curtains to the refrain ‘Who put an x-box under the tree? ...my mother’, a lyric with so many layers of wrong, it makes me do a tiny vom in my mouth. Diligent wives and mothers buying domestic happiness with D&G watches and Macbook Pros- is this the true message of the season? Merry bloody Christmas, retail consumerism, you’ve pissed all over my dreams. . Rachael Schraer
05. 12. 2011
Top 10 festive filmic classics There’s sn-ow business like sh-ow business. But what should we watch this festive season? Here is e2’s comprehensive guide to the cult festive classics that often get overlooked.
10
A Question of Life and Death (1948) Dir: Kenwyne Skeleton. Starring Sid James, Belinda Hymen, Liad Loushi, the Duchess of Kent Based on a true mis-hearing of a real seasonal classic, A Question of Life and Death is an inspired genre-clash between wartime existential epic and sports quiz fun. When WWII fighter pilot, world snooker champion and ninety-a-day smoker Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins (David Niven) is shot down over the English Channel, only his love of tedious athletics quiz A Question of Sport can promise him a reprieve, as, aided by his faithful comrade Phil Tufnell, he rasps emphysemic pleas of clemency to other thick, unfunny sportspersons in a vast celestial panel show. Mild sexual scenes.
7
Oh! What A Lot Of Herpes (1940) Dir: Titlung Gagarin. Starring Judy Garland, Martin Clunes, Karl Organ, Dennis DeLovely. Rousing war-time musical fun, as Judy Garland stars as the loveable tom-boy in an American WWII encampment, whose unshakeable and rousing faith (and rousing song-and-dance numbers!!!) rouse the troops, and their Christmas wish is granted, with more bystanders exploded that holiday than they could ever have dreamt! Rousing.
6
The Lion King 2 (1998) Dir: Inverness Geiger. Starring Bernard Siskin, Mr. Motivator, Djeszcka Iistingsz, Benelux Overspill Plunging all his assets into irresponsible Forex trading, down-on-his-luck Simba sub-lets his cave to some Slavic rentboys, with catastrophic results! Hilarious escapades as they re-route his plumbing, fill his house with angry mice and mess up his pots and pans. A rough re-working of T. S. Eliot’s The Cocktail Party. Famously missed out on general release when the film reels got muddled and Disney mistakenly distributed Kosovan snuff film, Dehr Lyohnnchingk.
5
9
A Very Robin Williams Money-spinner (1994) Dir: Robin Williams. Starring Robin Williams, Robert Williams, R. Williams Grating Hollywood family favourite and unfunny dickhead Robin Williams stars in his seven-hundred-and-twentyeighth mawkish, undifferentiated role, here as the humble taxidermist, down on his luck for some reason, drifting apart from his wife and kids, whose Christmas (Robin Williams) is saved then the giant taxidermy ‘Saint Nick’ (Robin Williams) he has sculpted from the body of a wise, starry eyed Christmas homeless person (Robin Williams) comes suddenly to life with Christmas magic. Hilarious and tender moments come from Robin Williams’ taxidermist co-worker and buddy Robbie (Robin Williams), and at the end the family is reunited in a big secret surprise Christmas party. It is garbage.
8
Orgy of the Norse (1955) Dir: Ingmar Bergman. Starring Zebedee Bebedee, Nonono Utterance, Bosko Balaban. Forgotten Bergman classic treats viewers to an unremitting sequence of upsetlooking Scandinavians in black and white for ages and ages. Mild sexual scenes and strong but mercifully indecipherable language from the start.
It’s Good... But It’s Not Right (1983) Dir: Woody Allen. Starring Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Mia Farrow.
3
Morrissey in Space II (1985) Dir: Alice Phallus. Starring Will Smith, Max Ernst, Cath Snrub With a star-studded cast including Geoff Boycott, Phil Silvers, and the man that used to walk up and down my old high street dragging a suitcase full of old fax machines, MiSII succeeds despite not securing vital original cast members.
2
Oil Crusade For Santa (1832) Dir: Herman Fingers. Starring Steven Segal, The Olsen Twins They loved oil and animals and each other but not all at the same time. Oil Crusude For Santa is the perfect teen high-school romp with truly something for all the family, as the Olsens narrowly escape an honour killing for reasons unclear to the viewer.
Based on a catchphrase by Roy Walker, and based largely upon Roy Walker’s Catchphrase, Allen is back on form for this 1983 comedy classic, starring as neurotic television writer Amos Smir. He balances his misgivings about the commercialism of his work, writing shit jokes for Catchphrase’s Roy Walker and his for some reason emotionally draining love life, by standing up and sitting down and talking to the camera a lot. Will an hour and forty-two minutes of introspective pacing, implausible domestic conflicts and one-liners convince Amos to quit wavering between his devoted wife (Keaton) and the artless Catchphrase contestant and ingénue Mary (Farrow), and leave the television industry to pen his novelistic début?
4
Hero to Zero: The Movie (2001) Dir: Mufasa Cetemol. Starring Michael Owen and some puppets. Feature-length adaptation of the surreal eponymous children’s aspiration TV drama. Based on real-life events, Hero to Zero takes its cue from the 1958 Munich air disaster which claimed the lives of eleven Manchester United soccer footballing players and staff, where here tragedy is averted when soccer footballing legend Michael Owen steps out of a fan’s poster and saves the day with his soccer footballing skills. Absolutely vile.
1
American History H (1997) Dir: Eggs Benedict. Starring Edward Furlong, ‘H’ from Steps ‘United by Hate... Divided by 5, 6, 7, 8!’, American History H is a feel-good classic which dispenses with the painful and complex sectarian and personal conflicts and hostilities of its inferior predecessor, concentrating on the cognitive disequilibrium of a confused, angry youth realising his own bitter misgivings about 90s pop-stars Steps. Underpinned by dreadful violence, the film is charming throughout, culminating in a dance-off in which the competing ethnic groups realise they’re maybe not so different after all! Sensitively handled and majestic. Lanbert Nathaniel-Butler
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Editor: Olivia Stephany whatson@epigram.org.uk
Best of Bristol
ALADDIN
Christmas Gift Shops
1. Soukous, Cotham Hill A girly haven and student favourite, Soukous is not to be passed by as you walk to uni. Offering everything from phones to photo frames, including an impressive selection of Christmas decorations, it’s not surprising that Soukous was a finalist in the Greats Gift Retailer Awards 2011.
2. Vinegar Hill, Queens Road Whatever and whoever you’re shopping for, there’s bound to be something in Vinegar Hill. A lovely shop that prides itself on selling things you wouldn’t find in the average high street store, they stock items of furniture, homeware, jewellery, quirky books and all sorts of pretty knick-knacks. There’s also plenty on offer for men, as we all know they can be the hardest to buy for!
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7 - 10 December Students’ Union £4.50 concessions
3. Elsie Riley, Broad Street
ROBERT MUGABE... WHAT HAPPENED?
If the quaint interior of Elsie Riley isn’t enough, the charming shop assistants will make you feel right at home in this little boutique. With frills, sparkles and embellishments galore, you’ll want to take your time to browse the many vintage-inspired offerings, including candles, accessories and stationary.
Mugabe has frequently been in the news but this is a chance to watch the Shakespearean rise and fall of the man who built a successful African country, and then destroyed it.
4. Pod, The Mall Stocking designers such as Orla Kiely and Alex Monroe as well as luxury Cowshed toiletries, Pod is the place to go if you feel like treating someone special. However, there’s also plenty on offer for those of us constrained to a student budget or on the lookout for a little Secret Santa present: key rings, magnets and coasters – all with a fun twist – to name but a few.
5. iota, Gloucester Road
5 – 8 December Watershed £5.60 concessions
iota started life at St Nicholas Market in 1998, but has since moved to its delightful location on Gloucester Road. A beautifully bright shop, it’s worth a trip inside to peruse the unusual and unique gifts (even if you do end up only buying something for yourself!) Comfy cushions, fancy fairy lights, witty watering cans… everyone is catered for. Rachel Hosie
Fairytale of Bristol With Christmas fast approaching, where’s the cosiest spot to snuggle up in this winter? Clifton equals quaint, especially at Christmas time. The epitome of its charm lies in Primrose Café, a café by day, bistro by night. Serving locally-sourced, fresh ingredients (they even have their own pig farm), the warmth of the home-baked goods instantly beckons you in. But if you’d rather take away, head to Papadeli, a self-proclaimed ‘gorgeous food shop’. At this time of year it’s wellstocked with international Christmas treats, but when the holiday’s over tuck into their year round delights. Order of the day: white chocolate and raspberry brownie, a one-bite wonder. Equally scrumptious cakes and extensive afternoon teas, always served with a smile, can be found at Tart on Gloucester Road. If the grim weather’s getting you down, stop by Swinky’s on Park Street. Specialising in confectionary from across the pond, it’s a rollercoaster of Jelly Beans, Reese’s Pieces, cookies and cupcakes. It’s like waking up in Willy Wonka’s factory, but with a festive twist. Indulge in their hot chocolate, dubbed ‘Liquid Chocolate Brownie’, and you’ll definitely be flirting with fat. Dig deeper in your stocking and you’ll find Bristol’s best kept secret, Hyde and Co. Branded a prohibition bar, it certainly retains the 1920’s hushed atmosphere, and with a seating-only policy, entry is like stepping on hallowed ground. Dress the part, soak in the vintage décor and enjoy a sophisticated cocktail in an intimate setting.
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Pantosoc presents Aladdin - a traditional student pantomime, packed full of uproariously inappropriate humour, side-splitting slapstick, belting musical numbers and sexy demonic retinues.
If you’re after a more chilled experience, in both senses of the word, wrap up warm (it’s cold on deck) and take a sip of Bristol’s finest drink. No, not the green, slightly grotesque jug at Lounge. The ‘Old Bristolian’ cider to be precise, which can be ordered at the Apple. For an even warmer experience, try the mulled cider or the winter Pimms at the Albion, in Clifton. The perfect gastro pub, it offers winter warmers and leather sofas to collapse on. Sit by the fire and you won’t be moving for a while. Last but by no means least, grab a glass of Glühwein at the various Christmas markets at Broadmead, Corn Street or Colston Hall. Gifts on sale range from handmade candles to knitted mittens, or have a bite of their local cheeses and German sausages if you’re feeling a bit peckish. This Christmas, escape from the cold and indulge in what Bristol has to offer. Ainhoa Barcelona
IN: MOTION BEARDYMAN PRESENTS Head down to Motion for an intense night headlined by Beardyman, the beatboxing genius, and Stanton Warriors (among a long list of other amazing djs).
9 December Motion £14.50 earlybird
WILLS MEMORIAL TOURS Wills Memorial is the iconic symbol of Bristol University but do you actually know what’s inside it? The porters are running tours around the building to raise money for the Children’s Hospital Appeal. Booking necessary. Contact dave.skelbourne@ bris.ac.uk for more details. Wills Memorial £3 concessions
05. 12. 2011 PETER PAN
MAGIC CRACKERS
Sondheim’s heartfelt masterpiece portrays the life of impressionist painter Georges Seurat and the changing relationships between his mistress and his art.
Fly away on a spectacular journey of wonder and excitement into the magical world of Neverland. Don’t miss the Hoff doing his thing as the villainous Captain Hook!
After two acclaimed sell out runs at The Brewery theatre space, local discombobulater and Derren Brown favourite, Peter Clifford returns with a cracker of a Christmas show filled with jaw dropping magic and hilarity.
7 – 10 December Students’ Union £4.50 concessions
10 December onwards Bristol Hippodrome £20 - £40
15 December onwards Tobacco Factory £7 concessions
MEET ME IN ST LOUIS
A British horror film from the director of Down Terrace. This is an stark mean-ass horror film more dark than the night and very horrible.
Come down to this romantic bar on the harbour to watch a film about a boy inadvertently unleashing a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town.
Have yourselves a merry little Christmas with Vincente Minnelli’s classic 1944 musical starring Judy Garland in her finest hootchie cootchie-dancing, petticoat and frills-clad role.
7 December The Cube £4 concessions
7 December Under the Stars Free
19 & 20 December The Cube £4 concessions
PROFESSOR GREEN
BROCK OUT XMAS RAVE
The Ordinary Boys are an English indie rock band from Worthing, a seaside town in West Sussex, England. Come down to Thekla to support them at their one off gig in Bristol.
After amassing double Gold sales of his album Alive Til I’m Dead, and over a million Facebook fans, Professor Green is on the up-and-up as he plays his biggest ever headline shows. Supported by Rizzle Kicks.
Brock Out and Mutant Bass Records join forces to celebrate the festive period in the most unholy of fashions. Tikbuk2 is renowned for throwing some pretty awesome parties so don’t miss out on this one.
10 December Thekla £12 advance
14 December O2 Academy £16
16 December Timbuk2 £5
THE UNMASKING OF ART
AFTER THE MURDOCHALYPSE
MADE IN BRISTOL CHRISTMAS GIFT FAIR
Ink-dot is a is a platform which brings together the hundreds of independent designers scattered across Bristol. Entrants are given a one-word title, eight colours and image dimensions.
The renowned theorist Walter Benjamin will give a lecture about the birth of art and art institutions. It will discuss where, why and how certain ideas of art originated, and how they have developed over the last five centuries.
The fourth talk in the Bristol’s Big Issues speaker series, co-hosted by UBU and the Bristol Hub, invites reformers and journalists to discuss their visions for the future of the UK media.
Christmas shoppers with an eye for quality and originality should head to Colston Hall. There will be a wide range of products on sale, including handmade jewellery, original illustrations, bespoke furniture exceptional interior products, as well as clothing.
5 – 19 December Colston Hall Free
8 December - 5pm Arnolfini Free
9 December - 5.30pm 35 Berkeley Square Free
10, 11, 17 December Colston Hall Free
Extras
INK-DOT: RESOLUTION
Sound
THE ORDINARY BOYS
Screen
GREMLINS 1 & 2
KILL LIST
Stage
SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
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Editor: Francesca Clayton fashion@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Lizzy Bullock deputyfashion@ epigram.org.uk
’Tis the season to be sparkly Wishlist F
or many girls, there is a certain irresistible allure of a Christmas party dress. And although our wardrobes are full to the brim with dresses from parties, seasons and Christmases past, we undoubtedly want another one.
With Christmas starting earlier every year it’s getting more and more expensive for consumers and retailers alike. High street giants will go to any length to create the alluring guise they know consumers will lap up like Rudolph on a Christmas Eve water break.
Perhaps the problem is that we’re bombarded with so many optionssequined, silky, bejewelled, bright, long, short, patterned - the possibilities seem endless. According to British Vogue fashion director, Lucinda Chambers, ‘You’re never too old to shine, even if it’s just a pinch of stardust.’ And it would seem that she’s not alone, as the high street has been flooded with razzle-dazzle this season. The current trend for party dresses features lots of sequins, with the large pailette type taking a prominent role, as made popular by Prada. Shimmering golds, silvers and bronze tones are also key players this season, perhaps for those who prefer a more understated glimmer to all out sparkle.
‘You’re never too old to shine, even if it’s just a pinch of stardust’
The Christmas window displays of big department stores are always eagerly anticipated by the public, and also crucial for drawing in shoppers by selling us the image of glitzy Christmas parties. But is it overly ostentatious or just festive fun?
This is evident more than ever in Marks & Spencer’s celebrity-driven advertising campaigns featuring Hollywood hunk Ryan Reynolds; Burberry model and actress Rosie Huntington-Whitely; and last but not least, the X-Factor finalists. M&S are keen to change their reputation, and have wisely realised that tapping into our culture of celebrity worship is the way to do it. It’s with these images of glitz and glamour that fashion stores conjure up irresistible Christmas ideals, and why wouldn’t the public want some of that in their everyday lives? Inevitably, there are those people every year who complain that Christmas has become all about consumerism, fuelled in part by fashion companies selling us the idea that we need these products in our lives. While that’s certainly true, it is after all the way they make money and isn’t it more fun to embrace the excess of the season?
Laptop case, ASOS, £20
Velvet body, Topshop, £38
With all the options on offer on the high-street it is possible to treat yourself to that glitzy LBD without breaking the bank, and it may just add that extra bit of magic and sparkle to your Christmas. You never know, you might just find yourself under the mistletoe with your very own Ryan Reynolds look-a-like.
The windows of famous Parisian department store, Printemps, have just been taken over by Karl Lagerfeld of Chanel, and are perhaps one of the best examples of excessive Christmas window displays ever made. Set in an elegant, magical scene amongst Paris’ most famous landmarks, it features dozens of little dancing puppets including a one of Lagerfeld himself as Father Christmas, with lots of mini Lagerfelds as elves. They even wear tiny fingerless gloves.
Dress, Rare, £55. Necklace, Mango, £40. Dress, Topshop, £58. Shoes, Schuh, £65. Rachel Hosie
Bowtie, River Island, £7
The success of excess Six litre designer vodka? You wouldn’t really expect anything less from Roberto Cavalli. The king of excess himself doesn’t appear to acknowledge the minimalistic approach to life, an ideology echoed throughout his creative clothing lines. Born in Florence in 1940, Cavalli studied textiles at his local art institute and designed a series of flower prints on knitwear that caught the attention of major Italian hosiery factories. By the 1970s, he enjoyed a burst of fame for his innovative printed leathers, an entirely new concept to the world of fashion, and opened his first boutique in 1972 in Saint-Tropez. Unfortunately, after this initial ‘boom’ of recognition Cavalli faded into relative obscurity as styles grew more minimalist. It wasn’t until the 1990s, when indulgence became fashionable again, that Cavalli made
his spectacular comeback. Clashing prints, flowing skirts, sparkling embellishments and layers and layers of OTT accessories all contribute to his signature flamboyant look, and his S/S 2012 collection is equally as striking with chunky florals, African tribal artwork and fluorescent colours. His pure passion for the female form is revealed in the feminine silhouette of his collections, but it’s not all figure-hugging dresses, jackets and leopard print lingerie. Cavalli does (occasionally) offer understated pieces for the more modest amongst us; his current collection features an elegant nude floor-length gown and a chic canvas and leather heel. The question remains, is excess always a success, or can we truly have too much of a good thing? In 2004,
Cavalli’s quirky design philosophy led to much criticism and controversy over a line of women’s underwear designed for Harrods. The underwear featured images of Hindu goddesses which outraged the Hindu community, to the extent that the line had to be withdrawn and a formal apology was deemed necessary. In spite of this, Cavalli’s creative nature has earned him a loyal following among fashionistas and celebrities; Beyoncé (plus baby bump) and JLo to name a few. His diffusion lines ‘RC Menswear’, ‘Just Cavalli’ and the ‘Angels &Devils’ Children Collection are sold in over 50 countries worldwide and his extravagance does not stop there. Be it his ultra luxe nightclubs or even his 41 metre long yacht; all are branded with that unmistakable Cavalli stamp: excess. Lizi Woolgar
Fairisle jumper, Oasis, £55
Hotpants, Topshop, £45
05. 12. 2011
Chelsea Girl: Amber Atherton Epigram Fashion talks to the ‘Made in Chelsea’ star about setting up online jewellery business myflashtrash.com Amber on My Flash Trash What is the concept behind the website?
This crazy Japanese woman in Hong Kong gave me this amazing ear cuff once - I ended up losing it and was forever looking for a replacement until it got to the point when it was like, ‘right I’m just going to make my own god damn ear cuff!’ The pieces are not conventionally beautiful but they’re eye-catching conversation-starters. What’s the future of myflashtrash.com? MFT is starting to control a dominant share of the online jewellery market and I’d like to see us continuing to provide a platform for up and coming designers as well as more established brands.
Amber on Business
In sixth form I bought jewellery in Asia and then sold it on and the internet was a distribution channel that reached a wider audience. As the business grew I chose to support individual designers by helping them market and sell their designs through a cool online shop. Any advice for budding entrepreneurs? Organize your time, get a good team around you, and never give up or think something is out of your reach.
his November, luxury knitwear brand Pringle of Scotland received an £11million bailout from its Chinese parent company Fang Brothers Holding. But what caused Pringle to need this financial aid? And is the injection of cash an indulgence more luxurious than cashmere?
Versace
‘Sex-appeal not sure. Insect-appeal on the other hand...Health and safety should probably intervene first with a malarial warning tag.’ Jane, English, third year. ‘Looks like Nature threw up on her...’ Stephen, Law, third year
Fred and I are actually quite close. We share similar values and background although I unlike him missed out on Bristol! How much of it is real and how much is scripted?
Amber on Style How would you describe your style?
The show is not scripted - it exaggerates reality and occasionally puts you in a scenario that isn’t dissimilar to what we might normally do but the conversations are content specific. I don’t exactly mull over Caggie and Spencer’s relationship in real life.
Financially and aesthetically the company has been in upheaval over the past few years. The reported pre-tax losses of £7.5million for 2010 were part of a consecutive chain of multimillion pound losses over a five year period. The company line on the reason for these depressing figures is their focus on long-term development and, more generally, the global financial situation. From its Harwick foundations producing upmarket lingerie in 1815 into the go-to brand for quality knitwear, Pringle has always evolved. Perhaps the problem is that somewhere along the line, it became almost solely associated with sportswear and the Argyle diamond. To address this design quagmire and inject a degree of modernity, Clare Waight Keller – whose CV included Gucci and Ralph Lauren - was installed as Creative director in 2005. Over a six year tenure Waight Keller made headway rejuvenating the label. Catwalk collections incorporated the traditional
knits Pringle does so well with the clean, minimalist look popularised by French designers, such as Isabel Marant and Celine, however the collections failed to translate into financial gains for the company. Following Waight Keller’s departure, Pringle appointed Alistair Carr from Balenciaga with the intention that he continue this reinvigoration.
Pringle
‘Both the top and the trousers look a bit like Microsoft desktop backgrounds from 1997.’ Alex, Drama, third Year
Who are you closest to on the show?
Unpredictable- I couldn’t tie my style down. It’s one part statement jacket, two parts texture and embellishments and three parts dresses and silk trousers. Francesca Clayton
Pringle’s pre-Christmas present T
s the hotly anticipated ‘Versace for H&M’ line hits high-streets across the country, three Bristol students share their thoughts on the outrageous excess of print and colour.
It’s basically been a free advertising campaign for myflashtrash which was my primary incentive for getting involved. Its been fantastic to have that insight into the production behind TV. We’ve also had a lot of giggles and been in some absurdly unforgettable situations.
Why did you set up an online business?
Style Jury
A
Chelsea actually started on a roof in Shoreditch. My friend Bip Ling introduced me to a producer who was working on the concept and we started chatting. The programme was much more fashion-based in the beginning but slowly morphed into being about Chelsea.
myflashtrash.com
Tell us about designing your jewellery range ‘Typhoon Palace’.
How did you get involved in the show?
What has it been like to film?
amberatherton.com
One person’s trash is another person’s treasure and the huge diversity in the design and price of the jewellery reflects that. I find the designers through trend blogs, craft fairs, industry events and graduate shows.
Amber on Made in Chelsea
His first collection, debuted on the S/S 2012 catwalks, was mixed. While the multicoloured geometric patterns adorning grey jumpers were a striking and witty take on the Argyle print, the overall feel of the women’s collection was a little plain. A nod to loose-fitting 1920s tennis outfits suggests Carr had the Summer of Sport 2012 – Olympics and Wimbledon – in mind when
creating the designs, but one of the main attractions of knitwear is its variety of textures and Carr’s offerings were unanimously flat. Pringle’s injection of cash came courtesy of its owner – we are not dealing with another RBS and the taxpayer story - so ultimately the judgment on whether it was a good investment lies with them, but Carr will need to keep one eye on a spreadsheet and the other on a sewing machine. It would be fair to suggest that rebranding takes time and Pringle does appear committed to overhauling and updating its image: choosing brand ambassador Tilda Swinton and collaborating with Central Saint Martins students in a pop-up Harvey Nichols boutique. Burberry and Louis Vuitton have both gone beyond their respective tartan and luggage associations so rejuvenation is obviously an achievable goal. A solution may be for Pringle to play more to its inherited strengths and embrace traditionally Scottish elements such as dense, rich-hued wools, while embracing the recession-sparked desire for long lasting, nostalgic heritage items. Too much French minimalism does not a British knitwear company make. Rosemary Wagg
Deputy: Lizzy Bullock deputyfashion@ epigram.org.uk
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Editor: Francesca Clayton fashion@ epigram.org.uk
in excess
e2 Fashion has a very merry Christmas in clashing colours and festive prints.
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Photography: Harriet Layhe Styling: Francesca Clayton and Lizzy Bullock Hair & Makeup: Anisha Gupta Models: Alex Woolf, Tosin Oki, Imogen Comrie and Harriet Brooks. This page clockwise from top left: Harriet wears red dress and reindeer necklace, Joy. Alex wears red jumper, vintage Motel. Jeans, model’s own. Tosin wears cardigan, Joy. Tshirt and scarf, model’s own. Imogen wears green polka-dot shirt, Joy. Glasses, model’s own. ‘Love’ throw, Vinegar Hill. Harriet wears shirt and jumper, Joy. Shorts, Motel. Imogen wears jumper and rings, Joy. Shorts, Motel. Scarf, model’s own. Socks and bracelets, stylist’s own.
05. 12. 2011
Beauty Get the look The makeup artist for our ‘in excess’ Christmas shoot, Anisha Gupta, reveals how she created the looks featured in this fortnight’s issue. I used a light-reflecting foundation, like Revlon Photoready, to get a smooth, poreless base that looks flawless in photos – an essential during Christmas party season. Apply on moisturised skin with fingers or a foundation brush for a polished look.
For party-perfect glittery eyes, I applied an eyelid primer to help eyeshadow glide on smoothly and keep glitter from falling off. Using a densely bristled eyeshadow brush, apply a base colour (festive gold, greens and purples are flattering on most skin tones) across the lid. Urban Decay’s Deluxe Eyeshadow Palette contains gorgeous bright shimmery colours (we used the emerald green Graffiti and the intense violet Ransom on our models) and comes with a tube of the cult Primer Potion. It also makes for a glam gift with its luxurious purple velvet and sequinned case.
This page clockwise from above: Imogen and Harriet as before. Christmas stocking, Vinegar Hill. Imogen, dress and star necklace, Joy. Shoes, model’s own. ‘Love’ cushion and throw, Vinegar Hill. Harriet, red polka-dot shirt, Joy. Imogen as before.
Gently dab on a little more primer to act as an adhesive, and press loose glitter on top of the eyeshadow. Finish with two coats of mascara or, for even more drama, add some false eyelashes. I paired this look with a moisturising lipgloss to keep lips soft through the cold weather, ready for an under-the-mistletoe surprise – neutral rose and pink tones add a pop of colour whilst not distracting from the eyes.
With thanks to: Joy, 70-78 Queens Road, www.joythestore.com Motel, 24 Park Street, www.motelrocks.com Vinegar Hill, 46 Queens Road, www.vinegarhill.co.uk
Anisha Gupta
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Editor: Verity Stockdale travel@epigram .org.uk
Five-star cheat? Imagine a secluded white sand beach, petrol blue waves and a backdrop of palm trees. Throw in a mojito and you’re pretty close to paradise, albeit quivering at the price tag equivalent to the GDP of a small country. For many holiday destinations, it really is the case of ‘you can have the best but it’ll cost you’. Due to an unfortunate incident involving the death of goldfish, a small flood and a broken kitchen drawer when previously left alone, I was forced (perhaps not quite kicking and screaming) on the first family holiday I’ve been on in six years. Luckily this happened to be a full-blown all-expenses-paid courtesy of the parents trip to Barbados. I could hardly compain. However, while obviously this was fabulous, I couldn’t help but wonder what it is that actually makes a holiday five-star luxury and I found myself drawing comparisons to when I had been to Zanzibar - a seemingly totally different trip altogether. Or was it? First and foremost, when searching for five-star luxury, we look for that heady feeling of escaping everyday life. Barbados had the golf resort, Wayne Rooney next door, a private pool, a 24-hour (empty) gym,
and more. However, do we need all of these things to satisfy our craving to escape? While this was all absolutely fantastic, I thought back to living out of a rucksack in Zanzibar, and remembered feeling equally as relaxed with a bottle of water on an empty beach that I had paid the equivalent of 10p to get to in a Dalla Dalla. To me, that was actually a step up from the private pool in Barbados that I found myself sunbathing by. Having travelled out of season to Zanzibar, we were the only people on the beach all
day. While Barbados was pretty exclusive, you were always in view of someone because of the astronomical amount of staff that the resort employed. In Zanzibar, there was no worry about having to suck in your belly in a bikini. You really could be alone, escaping everything and everyone. As I’m a huge foodie the restaurants are always an integral part of the five-star experience. In Barbados, there was absolutely everything you could imagine - several courses,
The price of five-star indulgence - is it really worth it?
flowing wine and incredible fresh fish. I even tried sushied dolphin. However, and again, the price was just extortionate and for some places, such as the famed ‘Lonestar Restaurant’, was frankly not worth it one bit. Comparing this again to Zanzibar where there was an incredibly well-kept fish market every evening selling skewers of shark, barracuda and lobster for £1 each, clearly it is not all about the Michelin Stars.
the accommodation itself. Everything, everywhere was white marble with excessive reams of silk curtain and the grounds were spotlessly kept. Even the grass was trimmed everyday. While everyone loves a bargain like Zanzibar where five-star luxury really is available for less, the only thing that doesn’t match up is the quality of hotels. Arguably, all five-star holidays have their negatives - in Barbados, the contrast between the wealthy westerners and the locals went to the point of being a little uncomfortable and in Zanzibar, the 4am Mosque wake-up calls and lack of hot water was a total nuisance. Yet both are, in my opinion, just as luxurious as each other yet on totally different budgets. If you want to have an incredible experience without breaking the bank then somewhere like Zanzibar is definitely the answer. Just ensure that you do it out of season. However, if you do get offered a holiday to Barbados that you personally aren’t having to wince at the cost of, grab it with both hands! It was amazing, but I definitely don’t need to spend the big bucks.
The winning factor for Barbados, however, would be
Georgia Lord
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Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time ‘Tis the season for total indulgence, but what about considering the absolute other end of the spectrum?
Village life was a rollercoaster of challenging experiences, late night teaching plans by candlelight and breathtaking highs. We fulfilled all our aims for each phase and elected dedicated committees in each area to continue our work after we had left. However, this was only half of the story. We lived village life to the full every day, were regular nannies to at least 40 incredible kids, made life long friendships with villagers of all ages and perfected our rural culinary expertise! In contrast, we also experienced first hand the harsh and heartbreaking realities of extreme poverty, which regularly results in unnecessary deaths from treatable diseases such as malaria and diarrhoea.
Last summer, we left behind our first world conveniences to embark on a life-changing travel experience which took us to the far south east of the ‘Pearl of Africa’, Uganda. We had decided to dedicate our summers to a different kind of travel experience that would make a significant impact to the village where we were based, tackling issues such as health and sanitation, clean water access and the detrimental effects of their traditional stoves. After an eventful and eye-opening week of travel to get there, we arrived at Mbale District Hospital to begin an intensive 10 days of training to prepare us for rural Ugandan life. Under the watchful eye of Little Big Africa, our partner NGO, and through their expert guidance we learnt how to teach interactively, speak the tribal language and the best way to kill and prepare a chicken - something we usually let Tesco take care of! By the end of training we were ready to be immersed into our village, Bwiri. As we witnessed the sights and sounds of bustling Mbale fade away and be replaced by rolling hills and mud tracks, our apprehension and excitement began to grow. On arrival we were greeted by village elders and were shown around our mud hut that
would be our home for the duration of the project. We would be living without running water or electricity, with an outdoor latrine and a shower cubicle made entirely from banana leaves. The next morning we awoke to the dawn chorus of village animals and daily Bwiri life. Surrounded by dirt tracks and maize plantations. We began to organise our five-phase project which involved teaching, building a 10,000 litre water tank at the local school, protecting a village water source, introducing and implementing a revolutionary design of fuel efficient stoves, and carrying out adult education.
Our summer in Uganda was a travel experience of a lifetime in so many ways. Not only did it challenge both us and our perceptions, but it also made a sustainable impact on the lives of those that we worked with. This Christmas as you open all of your presents, consider the difference that you could make next summer and log onto www.bristolvols.org to apply for the trip of a lifetime.
In 2012, Bristol Volunteers for Development Abroad (BVDA) will send groups to Uganda, Nepal and Rwanda and has scope to encompass many more countries in the future. Sophie Graham and Sophie Lawrence
05. 12. 2011
The world’s... Most indulgent hotels
If freezing temperatures and luxurious furs are not your idea of a relaxing break, head to The Ritz at South Beach in Miami. As well as dining on Ocean Drive, shopping in the individual boutiques on Lincoln Road and sipping cocktails at the hotel bar, whilst lounging around the pool you will come into contact with the ‘Tanning Butler’
So to Dubai, and a hotel that claims to be ‘the world’s most luxurious’. The Burj Al Arab grabs the skyline just off Jumeirah Beach. Standing tall, it represents the sail of a traditional dhow vessel. The 7-star Hotel boasts a fleet of Rolls Royces, Jacuzzi’s in every room as well as a whole host of spa treatments fit for royalty. If this has whet your appetite, head to the Oyster restaurant, via a submarine ride, to the underwater themed restaurant to enjoy ‘the finest sea food in the world’. Modest indeed.
‘This extravagant hotel splashed a reported £17m on cutlery’ whose sole job it is to rub in your sun cream and cool you down with hydration spray. How thoughtful. Mardan Palace, Turkey. A palace indeed. Made of 2,500 tons of gold, 23,000 square metres of Italian marble and 500,000 crystals, this extravagant hotel in Antalya, on the Mediterranean coast, cost over a billion pounds to build, including splashing a reported £17 million on cutlery. Other indulgences include 9000 tonnes of crisp, cool sand shipped in from the shores of Egypt, gondolas transporting guests from pool to pool, a 900-seater amphitheatre and two handfuls of restaurants’ serving cuisine from all
Photo of the fortnight
For a fleet to rival the Rolls Royce’s of Dubai, Abu Camp’s tribe of resident elephants in Botswana personally transports you around the savannah to see zebras and giraffes. Each room comes in the form of a canvas tent, complete with private deck, waterfall shower and whole zebra rugs. Who wouldn’t love a large, leathery chauffeur? For now, these hotels remain a little out of my price range unfortunately. Therefore this Christmas I’ll be sticking to my favourite hotel of all – the best bed, the heartiest food and the most pleasant room service of all. No amount of private elephants and ice beds will rival going home for the festive season. Maybe another year. Emma Brown
Sophie Lawrence: Uganda
Georgie Allen
‘Sleep well in -5C’ - now I hate to be fussy, but I’m struggling to see the attraction of laying my head on a frozen bed whilst wearing thermal long-johns and a woollen hat. However, I have to say, the quirks of Sweden’s Ice Hotel are also its perks. The hotel is rebuilt every year, having slowly melted down during the summertime, and so each year is totally unique. The chance to reflect in the pearly white Ice Church before heading to the Absolut Ice Bar to enjoy a drink ‘on the rocks’, quite literally, may seem a bit extravagant, but really is a once in a life time chance (well, once a year, until the ice flows back into the river Torne).
four corners of the world.
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Whilst endlessly trawling through webpages, brochures and travel agents for the perfect hotel to give your holiday that extra edge, what exactly are you looking for? A sea view? Ideally. Close to all the sights? Hopefully. A good supply of toiletries that you can pinch? Me too. What about a bed made of ice? A gold hotel? A tanning butler?
AIR MAIL
“Réunion is an unforgettable place to visit – once you’ve managed to find it on the map, of course.”
Being previously less well travelled than the lady who does my highlights - who during one particularly tedious session, orated for some two hours on her voyage of self-discovery while backpacking around South America, leaving me feeling like an insignificant product of a consumerist Western society, although a lovely shade of ash blonde - it was hence with more than a little trepidation that I decided to spend four months of my year abroad studying here on the Frenchspeaking island of Réunion. You are forgiven for having never heard of it - a tiny blink-then-you’ll-miss-it dot in the middle of the Indian Ocean. 6000 miles away from the reassuring familiarity of Park Street and the nearest Pret, it is somewhat eclipsed by its better-known and more glamorous neighbours Mauritius, Madagascar and the Seychelles. The reality of what I was doing and where I was going only truly sunk in whilst on the aeroplane when, flying at 30,000 feet, I glanced out of the window to see Nairobi passing below. It has to be said that the benefits of living on a paradise island in the name of study have infinitely outweighed all of my pre-departure anxieties. Since arriving weeks ago, jet-lagged and bewildered, at the Université de la Réunion campus, I’ve taken up scuba-diving around the island’s coral reefs as a university ‘module’, swum in waterfalls, made plans to travel to Madagascar and slept on the picturesque local beaches – although swimming is currently banned due to an alarming recent spate of shark attacks. While French has been the official language of Réunion for decades, since France first colonised the island during the slave trade Réunionese Creole is far more widely spoken and Creole culture dominates the traditional local cooking. This typically consists of rice, beans and curried meat cari served optionally with a frightening amount of chilli, only braved by the local Réunionese (who incidentally must have mouths of steel) and the occasional unfortunate Erasmus student who mistakes it for salad dressing in the canteen. Another curious local delicacy that can be found in every restaurant and food kiosk – to varying degrees of quality - is the americain baguette, which is a descendant of the humble hotdog but with chips on top, covered in ketchup, mayonnaise and melted cheese. Having renounced my former Redland days as a seasoned food-hygiene neurotic who would quietly freak out if the raw chicken knife was used to chop an onion, I will now happily pick off the stray ants from my americain and eat it without a word of complaint -although this Foreign Correspondent does recognise quite how disgusting this is. Although it remains unlikely that I will step off the plane at Heathrow Terminal 4 with an undesirable ratio of dreadlocks to clean hair, a tribal tattoo or the Indian harem pants my best friend recently indulged in, at the risk of sounding like a tacky travel brochure Réunion is an unforgettable place to visit – once you’ve managed to find it on the map, of course.
Imogen Carter Foreign Correspondent - La Réunion
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Editor: Alex Denne treasurer@ epigram.org.uk
House hunting 101 Don’t be a fool and waste hundreds of pounds due to a lack of basic housing knowledge. Firstly, whatever you do, please don’t be one of those students queuing up waiting for an estate agency to open on the first Monday post-Christmas; there’s no benefit in doing that, you have so much time to make this decision, and you should act as such. Most agencies charge a fee of around 35% of a month’s rental, whilst others can charge 35% + VAT (effectively 42.5%). The highest fees on a £360 per month property will leave your wallet a massive £153 lighter. Woops – there goes that festival ticket you wanted. Why pay an agency fee if you don’t need to? Using the university’s website you can find accredited landlords and their listings and also bypass an agency fee. It’s also worth checking Zoopla and Rightmove as it’s possible to get the contact details of a landlord, once again a means of bypassing the agency fee. Remember that many landlords will list their properties with national property websites as well as a local agencies so you should definitely check those websites out. Ok, so you’re saving over a hundred pounds already, now where do you want to live and how does that stack up against elswhere in Bristol? A good value student house should be within 10% of these listed guide prices.
As I’m sure you’ve heard – many students choose to live in Cotham or Redland for the combination of price and location; this makes sense considering how cheap they are even though they’re so close to campus. That being said, if you’re an avid cyclist and plan on living with other cyclists then it’s ideal to grab a bargain in Bishopston, you’ll also be close to Cheltenham Road & Stokes Croft which is an added bonus.
‘choosing your house is not a decision to make rashly’ Guide Prices
Bishopston: £341, City Centre: £353, Clifton: £349, Cotham £323, Kingsdown £353, Redland £327, St Andrews £309.
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Ocean Home, Sarah Kenny, Campions, Posh Pads, Kingsley Thomas, Nugent & Wallis, Purple Frog, Kendallharper, Touchstone, Absolute Property, Clifton Property, Liv ‘N ‘Let, Anthony James .
For the past nineteen years, having been cocooned in parental bliss, a roof over my head was hardly difficult to come by, so the thought of quite simply not having one was troubling to say the least. Upon returning from the holidays the housing situation imeediately becomes a craze, something reminiscent of the Pokemon phenomenon circa 1998, but with slightly more substance, some might say. It’s an unnecessary and self-perpetuating problem: once one group has found a house, the pressure will mount and there’s a constant feeling that everyone has snatched up the best value houses. Within a week, you seem to have two options: 1) Moving back in with your parents or 2) Moving back into halls (arguably worse) During the struggle numerous differing preferences will arise regarding budget, location or personal requirements. As the anxiety of finding a house increases and you are getting sick of trawling around mediocre houses, it becomes tempting to drop your standards whilst simultaneously upping your budget. Don’t. As the majority of people in their first year do not have years of friendship to fall back, no one wants to be the awkward one who refuses a house on account of money. But do. Stick to your guns. Throw that British politeness out of the window. Try to ensure everyone’s involved in the process. If you take the backseat then you’ll feel more uncomfortable rejecting a house you don’t like.
time you look, just wait as more houses are bound to come onto the market. There’s no rush. When you hear those unhelpful rumours like ‘there are no more large houses left’, just take a moment to mull it over. Really? Are you sure that there aren’t any more large houses for let in all of Bristol? Check again. Understandably, the agencies want to make a sale as quickly as possible, which is bad news for students. They love to make you think there’s massive demand for every property and they do this in several ways: • Arranging multiple bookings at one time – just hearing another group say ‘I like this house’ as you’re looking around makes you nervous and more inclined to put in an offer without proper thought. • Telling you that house viewings are very booked up - this will constantly reinforce the fake demand they want you to feel, but make sure you ignore it. When you’ve taken the above into account and you’re actually viewing houses it’s worth being thorough. Don’t be afraid to have a sneaky peak behind the poster for that hidden damp, after all it’s you that’ll be spending the next year in this house, and who wants rats running over their feet during those barefoot ganders to the fridge? So, here are a couple of practical questions to consider when looking at a house: Will you be paying a full year’s rent, or will you pay half rent over the summer? What appliances are included? Especially think about a washing machine! Now go forth and house hunt.
Everyone needs to realise that there is absolutely no shortage of properties. If there’s nothing at the
Choosing your first house is not a decision to make rashly, everyone needs to realise that. To emphasise that, some students are so laid back that they sack off sorting their house early and leave it until July or August to snap up a real bargain when the demand for student housing has dropped and they’re in a position to haggle. Above all else, make sure that you don’t let anyone pressurise you into making this decision, they have no justifiable reason to do so, if you’re not sure about a house yet then have a look at a few more and rearrange a second viewing. If you find out a few days later that it’s been taken, don’t worry about it and just keep looking. Alex Denne
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False demand In a post Christmas food coma, I found myself rudely awoken by a sudden pressure to find somewhere to live. Oh the housing malarkey. Shudder.
A house advertised at £90 per week is not £90x4=£360 per month, but rather 390 because there are an average of 4.3 weeks in a month. Failing to realise this could result in forking out a painful £360 extra every year.
Lucy McCallum
So you’ve had the awkward conversations, backtracked yourself out of drunken promises and made the final cull in order to find the perfect group of housemates. It’s only when the house hunting begins that the potential problem of living on different budgets becomes strikingly clear: one friend has set their sights on a plush flat in Clifton whilst you’re happy to live in a squat in Bedminster. Clear communication and honesty are key to living harmoniously with others on different budgets. Before you begin your house search, agree a maximum price and make a list of which aspects both parties are willing to compromise on. For example, would the housemate on a smaller budget be willing to take a less appealing room for a cheaper price? I find that subsidising the bills instead of staggering the room prices can be more beneficial though as the housemate with less funds has more cash in hand throughout the year.
‘heating is a contentious issue in every house’ Before you move into your lovely new abode, setting up a joint bank account is essential. This is so it doesn’t fall on one person to collect the cash when paying the bills. A house account is also beneficial for buying house essentials such as loo roll, hand soap, bin bags, foil, clingfilm and dishwasher tablets which can easily be done as a large online shop for delivery. One thing I’ve learnt from my three years at Bristol is that the heating is a contentious issue in every house. There is no easy solution to this age-old problem, but being realistic when you’re compromising is vital, if one housemate turns blue despite the layering of four woolly jumpers, then maybe it’s time to consider cranking up the heat. Lucy Thomas