Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
@e2Lifestyle
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Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, or Lady Gaga, as I hear she is sometimes called, has proven herself to be extremely talented in the art of ‘getting people talking’. It was her who introduced the ‘sticks and stones may break people’s bones, but wearing clothes made out of food will confuse and disorientate them’ principle to controversy causing. This works on the basis that if you dress outlandishly enough you can generate such an air of confusion (is it art? is it a political statement? is it promoting the massacre of cows?), that you can somehow trick people into believing you are a goddess. And into buying your music. However, while this has worked very well for GaGa, I can’t help feeling that her meat dress is a little tame when compared to the work of some of her sister ‘queens of controversy’. I mean, Britney Spears has done everything from eloping to Vegas, to shaving off all her hair (I don’t know which is more shocking); Monica Lewinsky gave President Clinton a blow job; and Madonna got into child trafficking. Let’s explore some more.
Margaret Thatcher, for example: the personification of Marmite. No she is not brown, she is probably not yeasty and I’m pretty sure nobody wants to spread her on toast. But boy does she divide opinion. She knew how to stir things up. I’m not talking about the fact that she was the first female Prime Minister, nor the fact that she managed to double unemployment in two years. Oh no, if you really want to get people talking you have to kick ‘em where it hurts, and the metaphorical testicles of Britain in 1971 were, apparently, milk. ‘Thatcher, Thatcher, the milk snatcher’, as she was so venomously dubbed by the seething British public, went for the free milk in schools like a barn owl going in for the kill. Now Meryl Streep is playing her in the film about her life. Smoothly done. Flickr:carnivalridexx
While Thatcher went for brutal and Gaga went for confusing, Joan of Arc managed to cunningly blend the two. Not only did she murk the British army (brutal), she also claimed she was under orders from heaven, that she was following the advice of the voices in her head and that she had been told by these voices to dress as a man (confusing). This winning combination was so successful that the British were forced to burn her at stake. These days, Joan is a martyr, a saint and has had countless books and films made about her. What an artiste.
Pandora, of box fame. This girl has managed to cause controversy on all levels.
She began her career in journalism by advising aero engineers to be less boring. People got upset. At least two aeros rose up in protest. Serious hoo-ha. Conveying harsh truths, to everyone from her readers to her editors, is central to Pandora’s controversy causing. It has won her the ‘universally hated’ status of which she is so proud, and has led to suggestions of a witch burning in Bar 100.
Throw into the mix the string of inappropriate celebrity lovers who nightly await her outside the union, flinging red smarties (her favorite) at the windows and wailing until she appears, and the ‘incident’ involving the donkey and the e2 editor, and you have a provocative whirlwind of unpredictability. Pandora neither confirms nor denies the Clinton rumours, but regardless, one thing which cannot be denied is her status as a queen of controversy. Has this led to her success? You bet it has. Do YOU have a regular column in e2 lifestyle? No, I didn’t think so. Flickr:Axel Schwenke
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Deputy: Imogen Rowley irowley@ epigram.org.uk
Queens of Controversy
Flickr:PhilipNelson
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Deputy: Mariah Hedges deputylifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
So what can we learn? That controversy is the key to success. Want to get ahead in life? Then try this simple exercise: shave ‘I fucked Prince Harry’ onto your head, fashion a gilet for yourself out of ham, find a tall building and stand on top of it, flinging insults and vegetables at the passers-by below. Bam. Annie Bell
does it offend you, yeah?
e2 is brought to you by
Erm, so... The C-Word. What’s that even supposed to mean?
who will meet Thursday 1st March at 1.30pm in The White Bear
In the case of S Club 7, that mysterious first letter was supposed to stand for anything you wanted it to be. But we’re sure it was actually something quite dirty. No strangers to controversy, our editors have offered their own unique take on what the c-word means to them. Whether it’s class or couture, fear not...
e2 is not afraid to tell it like it is.
Lifestyle : Imogen Palmer and Mariah Hedges What’s On : Olivia Stephany
Fashion : Francesca Clayton and Lizzy Bullock Travel : Verity Stockdale
who will meet Wednesday 22nd March at 2pm in The White Bear
Money : Alex Denne
with e2 editor : Matthew McCrory illustrator : Sophie Sladen
cover photography : Sophie Wright
20.02.2012
s ’ e2
classy club hierachy
Yes, it’s another embarrassing article about clubbing. How better to tenuously link nightlife to the theme of ‘the c-word’ and than to construct a hierarchy of Bristol’s nightclubs. Let’s start from the bottom. The sub-human places that you’re better off staying away from. You might not have even heard of Platform One, Haze and La Rocca unless a shit JCR organised a trip there during Fresher’s Week. Reflex and Prive fall into this same category where it is more than likely that (if a girl) your night will be spent avoiding extremely optimistic grinning old men or (if a guy) getting yourself out of various fights that local boys start. Go horrendously drunk, armed with enough friends and you might just be able to make something of it. That same theory applies for the next category one step up. The most common phrase heard when bitching about Lizard Lounge, other than the moronic ‘I love Lounge!!’, is the ‘it’s good if you’re drunk enough.’ This second category is for the slightly better places where ‘timeless’ songs like Buck Rogers are shouted on rammed dancefloors by ‘drunk enough’ people. Po Na Na, Syndicate, Oceana and the O2 Academy provide a similar concept with a more mainstream chart music feel. ‘But Syndicate is a Superclub! They filmed Skins there!!’ I don’t think someone on Skins committing suicide in Syndicate says much really. However once again, get ‘wasted’ enough at a ‘pre-lash’ and you’ll be all over the DJ’s iTunes playlist made from various Now That’s What I Call Music compilations. Otherwise, spend the night as a goblin in the corner texting Syndicate’s big screen, either with news your mate is a paedophile or general ‘UWE are scum because...’ embarrassment. Also falling into this category is Lakota, that doesn’t escape being a bit of a drug fuelled shit-hole by having alternative music and multiple floors. Up another step and we come to the clubs that offer a little bit more. On the triangle, Bunker and Pam Pam have upped their game. Bunker inexplicably draws in some actual DJs such as Annie Mac, Subfocus and DJ Guesty for a night of slightly better music in a space large enough to dance. Previously known as Joe Publics where it was either the posh Wills stereotype or drama-wankers filling the oddly decorated corridor, Pam Pam has managed to reinvent itself into a more universal club with good music and sell-out nights. Walk a bit further to Park Row and you come to Dojo’s. For more alternative people that scoff at Lounge on the way, this little basement is brilliant for music and has previously hosted the likes of Jacques Greene and Pariah. For mainstream people who don’t know who the fuck those people are, Dojo’s still brings out the late 90s ‘old school’ bangers and provides the novelty of laughing gas balloons as a cheaper
option to the fairly expensive drinks. Go further east into Stokes Croft for Blue Mountain and The Croft which will satisfy the music needs of people who abandoned MTV at a young age and now live by underground dance music. In a category of their own are Mbargo and Java. Is it a bar, is it a club? Who knows/cares? Mbargo, under the same ownership as Bunker, can be a few casual drinks turned into a bit of a dance or a substitute for other triangle clubs when the queues are huge. Java is basically the same but tries to maintain a classy look among the god awful places that line Park Street. With both expect bar crawls to pass through with t-shirts displaying puns as shit as this article. We now finally reach the top of this extremely debatable club-ladder. Firstly, Thekla makes its way up here but not just because it’s a) on a boat and b) was also on Skins, but because it is ‘has something for everyone’. Music varies from FiftyoneTwentyseven nights with free entry and class DJs to Indie nights that are a cut above Ramshackle or Propaganda. On land, and significantly bigger, Motion dominates the Bristol underground music scene. It’s around £15 for quality nights showcasing lists of DJs across different genres that you’ll be dancing to until the early morning - regardless of whether on drugs or not. Similar to Motion but literally underground in brick tunnels and archways are Basement 45 and Timbuk2. Here you’ll find consistently good music and something better than the Triangle in nights like No Scrubs. And so there it is. A crudely drawn list of Bristol’s clubs which will inevitably be disagreed with.
Words: Carl Leabum Images: Francis Kwong Model: Annie Price Stylist: Annie Bell
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Deputy: Imogen Rowley irowley@ epigram.org.uk
Back to the classroom Is class still relevant in Bristol? Does your educational background affect your experience of university? e2 asked two writers from different backgrounds to share their experiences of being at Bristol.
l o o h c S e t a St
What’s On
Lifestyle
Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
When e2 asked me to write about going to private school and coming to Bristol, I was a little anxious. So anxious, in fact, I had to ask my butler for advice. ‘Geoffrey’, I said, ‘how do you think I should write about this? I don’t want to offend anybody!’ Geoffrey is, of course, imaginary. I don’t have a butler, and don’t know anybody who went to private school or otherwise who does, but this doesn’t change the fact that yes, I was privately educated. This actually came as a big shock to some people, who have told me that I don’t ‘seem very private school’: whether this is because I wasn’t riding a pony whilst at the same time drinking champagne, or because this was during my gangster phase of wearing tracksuits and bling, I’m not sure, because I don’t really know what ‘seeming private school’ means. There are a couple of defining clues as to my own private school origins though. Firstly, there’s the fact that my house at home has a chapel in its garden. Secondly, I know of about four other students who came to Bristol from my year at school, and as you’ll see later, that happens with a lot of private school. Thirdly, there’s my ridiculously posh middle name, which shall remain a secret from e2 as long as I live. These clues (except maybe the mysterious third one) could definitely make me seem what I imagine ‘being private school’ means.
‘I don’t know what you’re complaining about – at our school we had rats.’ ‘Rats? Rats?? What I’d have given for rats… We had rabid foxes roaming the school and by the time I took my GCSEs they were teaching half the maths classes.’ ‘Well most of my year group didn’t even make it to GCSEs after the police conducted a drugs raid, and that was after half the Year 9 girls got impregnated by Mr Clark. The Head might’ve been bothered, only he was shagging Mrs Jeffery in the supply cupboard.’ And so the goes the inverse snobbery of state schools. This peculiar rivalry is the antithesis of the pride that led to claims your dad was an astronaut, pilot or stunt-double in an attempt to outdo the kid who really did have a fireman for a father. The transition to university sees this snobbery burgeon; school rivalries tend to be limited in scope and formed largely on sporting one-upmanship but at university, the ballcourt changes dramatically. Those from state schools find it impossible to compete in private school rivalry based around who had the largest grounds or more notable alumni (despite coming a respectable 7th place in the county netball tournament). The solution? If you can’t beat them, you might as well shed your pretensions, throw your EMA entitlement to the wind and come up with a competition of your own.
‘I don’t know what you’re complaining about at our school we had rats.’ To the outsider, the inverse snobbery of state schools may seem counter-intuitive – why one would be proud of being taught Spanish by a suspected paedophile with half the female faculty notched on his bedpost is difficult to comprehend. However, on the inside, it’s a bit like gang tattoos – a painful experience at the time and definitely not pretty, but accompanied by a decent nod of respect and a cracking story to tell. And when it comes to schooling, this apparent selfdeprecation is anything but; listen carefully and any ‘my-school-was-worse-thanyour-school’ argument veils a resoundingly smug undertone. Because the inverse snob loves nothing more than to gleefully point out that despite your private school’s comfortable league table ranking, Latin motto and resident swans, both paths have ended at the same university – only one route was a heck of a lot cheaper. The fact that we’ve all made it to the same place now might sound like a reason to do away with school snobbery on both sides of the spectrum, but this is to ignore the fact that at our age, school makes up the majority of our life experience, shaping the people we are. A better idea, if unwittingly caught in the centre of an inverse snob-off, is to take the claims of drug rings, gun crime and gang rape with the same pinch of salt that came with Edward’s declaration that his headmaster was seventh in line to the throne or Annabelle’s assertion that a place at her college came with a private helicopter. Perhaps, in time, it’ll all just die down.
Josephine Franks
If anywhere does seem private school though, it would be Bristol. I’ve heard a number of statistics, the most common being 60% of students at the university went to private school, but I’m not much of a researcher, so this could be makebelieve. There are a lot of us though, so it would make sense if state school students felt they were outnumbered and at risk of being ganged up on. I’ve never really noticed anything significant: I’ve had to sometimes play the being posh card as an explanation for why I have to be carried from place to place rather than walk, but if there’s been any criticism I can’t hear it from my elevated spot above the crowd. At home, my friends were a deadly cocktail of private school and state school, ready to explode into some kind of gang fight: except I kept the knowledge of their origins away from each group, until they all got on, then told them. I’m actually sort of proud of this social wizardry, as my state school friends had to admit that my other friends weren’t that rich, and my private school friends had to admit that my other friends weren’t all going to end up on Jeremy Kyle. Really, I tend to think the divide between state and private schools is exaggerated. I always remember the words of my butler, Geoffrey, when considering this class issue, ‘Don’t judge a person by where they’ve come from. Judge them by where they’re going.’ It was either that or, ‘Great shot kid, but don’t get cocky!’ I forget.
Private Sc hool
Stephen Hartill
20.02.2012
! L A I S R E V O R T C%?
I think we’d all be lying if we said that we’ve never said a naughty word. Sometimes, when you’ve stubbed your little toe on the doorframe, trod on an upturned plug (my personal favourite), or smacked your not-very-funny bone on some protuberance or other, an exasperated swear is the first thing, the only thing, able to relieve you from your turmoil. In fact, it has been scientifically proven (somewhere), that pottymouthing is one of the best forms of instantaneous pain relief. Despite this, we each have our own inner threshold for what constitutes ‘swearing’: you wouldn’t catch 90-year-old Noreen effing and blinding when she drops her Reader’s Digest any more than you’d catch the Top Lad from the rugby team crying “Oh, darn it!” when he’s sent face first into someone else’s shinpads. What offends each of us is a very personal thing. Noreen’s “darn” is another man’s “fuck” - you get the idea. Although no doubt you’re only reading this because those wee asterisks in the title might just possibly be concealing the worst swear word in the English language (or are they? Get your head out of the gutter) and you thought it might be a bit naughty, and who can resist a bit of doing what they shouldn’t every now and then. What we can all be clear on is that we didn’t think this was going to be an educational piece on female genitalia. Am I right, or am I right? Swear words, like any other word, don’t really have any inherent strength on their own. Without delving too deep into linguistic philosophy, they accept the level of meaning we place on them. After all, it’s only a bunch of weird looking symbols that we’ve accepted as ‘letters’ and not some graphic piece of pornography. Who said we can’t use ‘cunt’ as technical terminology in our biology essays? A small child could run around shouting about cunts and have no idea that their mum’s going to go absolutely mental. Swearing is in the eyes of the beholder. Cunt, however, seems to be the last man standing in the hall of words that would shock the majority of people. We’re rapidly becoming desensitized to fucks and shits, what with their prevalence in every film from ‘Trainspotting’ to ‘Superbad’ and pretty much anything by Tupac, so why is it that cunt still shocks? Or does it? Many feminists argue that ‘cunt’ is the worst word in the English language because it’s sexist, and reduces the role of a woman down to little more than a walking, talking, cooking, cleaning; vagina. But is it really any worse than
Society Slut
OMFG
Society Slut is open-minded, if you know what I mean. Very open-minded. I’m a doer. I go for it. The Society Slut has learnt how to channel her aggression effectively over the years. Through this column mainly: like I always say, there’s no better release than bitching. I realise, however, that not everyone has this kind of public platform to vent their angst (that monotonous blog on Tumblr doesn’t count sweetie) but for those who are seeking one- seek no further. If you find yourself leaving passive aggressive notes around the house saying ‘I CLEANED THE KITCHEN ;)’ or ‘I can’t seem to find the carpet, has anyone seen it?’, halt! Bottle up that angst and head to the Debating Union instead.
‘Swearing is in the eyes of the beholder’ any other of our words that refer to bodily functions or, gasp, s-e-x? Any word can mean anything you want it to if you take it out of context, put emotion behind it, direct it at a certain group of people – see Ricky Gervais ‘Mong-gate’ scandal, where his use of ‘mong’ in casual jest was ripped to shreds and caused accusations of stirring up prejudice towards sufferers of Downs Syndrome. ‘Cunt’, really, pales in comparison to words that intentionally target a group of people – I think of the ‘N’ word, and similar racial taboos, which – although they seem to be used as affectionate terms of endearment in songs by Jay-Z, Kanye and the gang – in today’s society we know that to use them derogatorily is ignorant and offensive to plenty of innocent people (did John Terry miss that memo?). Is it controversial to think that cunt might not be so bad after all?
Imogen Rowley
Misconception one: tthe people would fulfil the stereotype of the rival debating teams in underdog films by being snotty, judgemental and harsh. They did analyse the quality of your argument in the final summary but overall they were welcoming to newbies. What was far more disconcerting than the coldest welcome could have been was their engrossment in the world of debating. The debaters seemed completely unaware of how absorbed they are in their bizarre rules, words and customs. Within minutes abbrev’s like ‘opp’ and ‘prop’ (opposition and proposition) were being casually thrown around alongside more extravagant expressions like ‘reductio ad absurdum’. Apologies, Potter fans, this is no magical spell. It is actually a term used to describe a technique by which an extreme example is provided to challenge an argument. One of the many nuggets we were taught, as they explained, was how to tear your unfortunate opponent to shreds. The explanation proved useful for beginners who could either join in the debate afterwards or observe. Relishing any opportunity to disagree or annoy, I got stuck in. Misconception two: it would be dull and very square. The 45 minute PowerPoint presentation teaching you how to formulate the perfect argument was delivered artfully by someone who clearly knew how to formulate the perfect presentation, but it did drag on a bit towards the end. However, once the actual debating started, it was terribly thrilling. 15 minutes are provided to come up with a 5 minute speech that needs to be both convincing and eloquently conveyed. Moreover you have to come up with a ‘rebuttal’ to the preceding speaker on the spot. Oh my giddy aunt. Forget skydiving adrenaline-junkies, few things can beat the rush of delivering an impassioned argument over a topic you don’t really know or care about. As things got more heated there were outbreaks of table thumping in support of well-made points. When my team won I had a rush that can only be described as an intellectual orgasm. Misconception three: it would be a civilised and sophisticated affair. One must be resilient and adaptable to survive long in the cut-throat business of debating. It was amazing observing the transformation of seemingly civilised people into fierce and vicious opponents. At one point, one of the members of the ‘opp’ refused to hear any of the ‘points of information’ that the ‘prop’ wanted to share. This drove a member of the ‘prop’ to scoff, slam his fist on the table and turn around to give the judge the most devastating dead eyes imaginable, chilling me to the bone. Later, two debaters got so carried away they continued the debate outside in the corridor during the judging. I genuinely thought fists were going to be thrown. How exhilarating.
Dear Dory, So for a while now I’ve been scouring the campus for my dream guy. A light blue shirt, chinos and deck shoes with chiselled features appears easy enough to come by, but that’s not all I want! I’m not superficial (despite what my friends may think), I need emotional warmth and compassion to counteract my cold, empty heart. Years of competitive sport have taught me not to get attached, it’s dog eat dog out there and sometimes you have to climb over people to get to the top. But my biological clock is ticking so I feel the time has come to conquer fears of commitment and find ‘the one’ WWDD? (What would Dory do?)
Firstly, don’t call me Dory. It’s uncouth and I won’t stand for it. Equally uncouth is the standard fare of a student at our fair university. The result? Your heart shall remain cold, your eggs unfertilised. The problem is that behind the glossy veneer of blue shirts, chinos and deck shoes is a characterless soul. You may find the chiselled features you so desire but it’s unlikely there’ll be much more to them than that. Sure, they’ve got the clothes but have they got the touch? No. No they do not.
s ’ a r o ox d n B Pa
Bristol’s sea of ‘alternative’ students is equally shallow of merit. But do not lose hope, there’s another option. The Erasmus student with his foreign charms will warm your heart and your bed. The best bit is, they’re only around for a year. The worst bit is, they’re around for a year. Forget finding the one, you’ll have more fun finding a few.
.
societyslut@epigram.org.uk
Debati ng So
ciety
Tensio Aggre n : Oof/10 ss Sociab ion : 8/10 ility : 5 /10
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Editor: Imogen Palmer lifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Mariah Hedges deputylifestyle@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Imogen Rowley irowley@ epigram.org.uk
You are what you read If papers tell you what you need to know then what does your choice of paper say about you? So Tabloid or Broadsheet – common or classy? e2 puts them in the ring to sort this out once and for all. The nation waits in baited breath for the declaration of their printed champion; this truly is the news of the world. In the red corner we have the Tabloid: bouncing and gnarling, ready for a fight. Across the ring, in the blue corner we have the Broadsheet: weighing in at twice his opponent’s size, he holds himself with an understated confidence, verging on smug.
slam on their lightweight rival, the Tabloid rises in a blaze of moral indignation. Such claims of frivolity are unjust when they so successfully fear monger their readers on a host of dangers from cancer to terrorism, immigrants to the BBC. It educates its readers like the most sadistic parent (or guardian).
Starting with the physical, any casual observer would be tempted to back the Broadsheet. He towers over his rival but, in this case, does size matter? They say it’s not the size of the pencil that counts, but what you do with it. So what do these two rivals write with their pencils? In the first round the papers bring their content to the battle. Tabloid is carrying incredible amounts of celebrity gossip on those small pages and it helps that none of its subjects way more than eight stone. Every divorce, affair or misjudged tweet is used to express the moral corruptness of our society. It is the more world weary faces of politicians, international dictators and important looking people in suits who the Broadsheet carries into the ring. They give the impression of confidence in their ability to keep us informed about the times. But just as it looks like Broadsheet may have got a
and don’t shout every other word or (unfortunately) talk in a series of bad puns. They do, however, a perfect imitation of that friend who can’t tell the story of opening a cupboard without exaggeration and begins every anecdote with unfulfilled hype of it being the best story ever. Despite this, the Broadsheet confuses its rival with its elongated words and secures a knockout punch. Its looks like the Broadsheet may be set for victory but the fans don’t seem to think so. Popular support is massively behind the Tabloid. Huge crowds are certainly gathering in the red corner, showing overwhelming support for their (Daily) Star. No amount of passive-aggressive complaining over Waitrose hummus from the blue corner can change the circulation numbers.
With both sides back on their feet the bell is rung for the next round. Here it is, as any lamenting boyfriend knows, not what you say but how you say it. The Broadsheet struts around the ring, wrapped in long words and semi-colons, assured that every punch will be heightened with the complexity of its execution. In a different tactic Tabloids attempt to mirror the mouths of the people. But fail miserably as most people employ multi-syllable words, multi-clause sentences
With the fans ready, the opponents return to the ring for their final battle. This time it’s all about the price. With Broadsheet demanding five times as much for its services, this round is a clear victory for the Tabloid. And in these financial times it seems this is the clincher. e2’s independent adjudicator strikes their bell and the Tabloid is declared the winner. Their trophy will be sent in the daily mail.
Kirsty Morrissey
Things you only know when... you work for the Devil from my desk in horror. A watch for a zillion euros! A watch serves an emphatically useful purpose, luxury has never been functional! With clammy hands, I send an alarmed response, but am reassured that the ‘zillion’ price tag renders it sufficiently fabulous to be worthy of our representation.
It’s 11 o’clock on a Tuesday morning in Paris. I’m sat at my desk opposite Cécile, intern nonpareil of the French P.R. industry. We are working in what I eventually conclude must be a comfortable silence for it will, surely, only be a matter of time until we are firm friends. Once this glorious day has come, I shall be able to telephone her nonchalantly whilst walking down Woodland Road, or perhaps better still in the ASS café, and proceed to talk French at an obnoxious volume, thus proclaiming my cosmopolitan credentials. ‘Oh Cécile, lovely boots!’ I chirrup, the eternally jovial intern-cum-Enid Blyton heroine.She is wearing heeled boots that were expressly manufactured for the clack sound they produce on the varnished wooden floors of P.R. agencies. Cécile does not reply, but smiles in faint acknowledgement. I beam in response, but her attention is already back on the laptop. She makes a slightly hassled oof noise and takes a purposeful sip of coffee. Of course, I think, - we interns have no time for idle chit chat. Encouraged by our collective efficiency, I begin to plait a section of my fringe and listen admiringly to the sound of her furious typing. Seated on my left is Brian, a sunny tempered American. Years of reading GQ and drinking protein shakes have given him great shoulders for which all manner of sins are forgiven; I am deeply convinced that we shall someday be together; despite the fact we both have boyfriends. The desk opposite him is at present empty, whilst it’s terrifying Parisian occupant Margot – black bob, red lipstick, quite anorexic – is either on a liquid lunch date or explaining to terminally ill orphans that there is no Santa.
In the midst of this panic, Margot has returned from meeting her client, or maiming new-born kittens, and is now lolling in the doorway with a cigarette and a full champagne flute, drinking voraciously and absent-mindedly dropping ash onto Cécile’s lap. Cécile is a non-smoker, which in France indicates great weakness of character. Cécile coughs – Margot is incensed.
‘we interns have no time for idle chit chat’ After a blissful hour in contemplation of Brian’s shoulders, my attention is diverted to the flashing of an inbox. One nouveau message; it’s my boss. ‘Salut! I am awfully sorry to disturb you as I’m aware you were only on photo 786 of 1063 from the 21st birthday album of your friend’s friend’s friend, but I’ve attached the press release for that thing we’re working on; do have a look once you’re free. Our new client, a Fashion Icon, has designed a watch based on a research trip to H Samuel and is now retailing it at a zillion euros. Ring that Vogue journalist and tell him we’ll lick his toes if he writes about it.’ I recoil
‘Cécile!’ slurs sweet Margot. ‘Every day you come to work in something ugly. Yesterday, it was your skirt; today, it is your boots.’ She then motions my lowly Primark wedges, a foolish and narcissistic venture into the decadent world of heels in the workplace, as the aching feet within them attest. ‘Tomorrow, wear something more like those.’ My blisters throb accusatorily. Cécile flinches but says nothing. Brian flexes an exquisite shoulder. I frown intently at my Facebook and inform my Moral Compass that I will defend her inoffensive shoes, once I am sure that Margot is out of earshot. ‘Honestly Cécile, your boots are great’ I whisper guiltily, the Judas of moccasins and Manolos and all else that clads the foot. In the distance, over the wails of Moral Compass as it mourns the lifeless body of Sisterhood, I hear Margot gleefully shriek something which might be ‘Je suis ton pere.’ Merde.
Imogen Carter
20.02.2012
WEDNESDAY 22 FEB:
MASSAGE-A-THON
Massage Soc loves touching people and RAG loves money
THURSDAY 23 FEB:
OVERNIGHT SOCCATHON
An annual event drawing teams from every corner of uni - sign up fast!
FRIDAY 24 FEB:
SLEEP OUT MONDAY 20 FEB:
MISSION: BURRITO
Break the British burrito record!
TUESDAY 21 FEB:
PANCAKES
Buy a pancake outside Info Point
TUESDAY 21 FEB:
BARMY
The infamous bar & club crawl - buy your Tshirt before they sell out!
Sponsored by Night Shelter & run on behalf of the Julian Trust
FRIDAY 24 FEB:
CLUB NIGHT venue tbc
FRIDAY 24 FEB:
REAL ALE FESTIVAL BRA + RAG = BRAG! 24-25th in the Anson Rooms
SUNDAY 26 FEB:
5km RUN
at Coombe Dingle TO GET INVOLVED:
rag-procession@bristol.ac.uk
Editor: Olivia Stephany whatson@epigram.org.uk
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Best of Bristol We’ve seen it everywhere. From the regular Skream & Benga takeovers on Radio 1 to Simon Cowell’s latest idea for a DJ-based talent show, electronic dance music is what’s hot at the moment. Fortunately, bass is something that Bristol does well, and the venues for what might become ‘the new mainstream’ are no exception.
1. O2 Academy, Frogmore Street Since it’s opening in 2001, the O2 Academy has been determined to bring musical excellence to the West Country. They offer a wide range of music to suit everyone, including the popular indie student night Ramshackle. They have hosted such electronic acts as Modestep, Skrillex, and Justice in the past, and is a tour stop for many major artists in 2012. The sound system is incredible, due to its volume, quality, and amazing bass. The balcony allows you some space to appreciate the music and move, without being pushed out into the smoking area.
2. Motion, Avon Street A BMX park by day, a warehouse by night – Motion is surely the venue chameleon of Bristol. It’s outback location means that the music can stay at full volume until 6am on weekends, and novelties like slush puppies and fairground rides help to make it a night to remember. Motion has helped to define the careers of many local DJs, such as Joker, Danny Byrd, and TC. The tunnel offers something unique too... the long, thin shape of the room makes it even louder, and creates a sense of intimacy between the crowd and the performer.
3. Blue Mountain, Stokes Croft Blue Mountain is central to Stokes Croft and puts on a variety of musical acts. Again, this is a venue that leaves your ears ringing for a day or two afterwards. Previous and upcoming acts include Coki and Distance, and the club has been a popular host of Brazilian Beatz. Whether it’s dubstep, reggae, hip hop or garage, Blue Mountain always puts on a professional and good quality show.
Fashion
Basement 45 is a venue that proves that good things come in small packages. It may only have a capacity of a few hundred people, but it is still warm, loud and welcoming. Even in the main room there is a feeling of intimacy, with MCs usually on the floor with the crowd. It is renowned for its expensive drinks but this can usually be solved by a cheeky trip next door to Bent where entry is free!
patrick h. lauke
4. Basement 45, Frogmore Street
5. Thekla, The Grove Thekla is an amazing venue in itself, with a range of awesome acts regularly gracing the stage of the main room. And then to top it all off, it’s on a boat. Granted, it does make it a little cramped and smelly, but who cares? They span a massive variety of genres and entry prices are usually quite reasonable. It’s also a great place to spot upcoming artists. Katy Radcliffe
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Clothes swap is coming This week I find myself in H&M changing rooms, disorientated and exhausted, having already been disappointed by Topshop’s sale rail and frazzled by the masses in Primark. I look in the mirror and the top looks good, but I really don’t need it. What the hell, I buy it anyway - predominantly because of an inviting price tag. I know deep down that it will give me a few weeks (maybe mere days) of pleasure, and then spend the rest of its life languishing in a forgotten corner of my wardrobe, until I eventually get rid of it. Tragic. Money down the drain.
Last year’s Swap was extremely popular, and it’s easy to see why; clothes shopping can prove tough on your bank balance, and it isn’t the most ethical option either. The constant production of disposable clothing is not exactly environmentally friendly. Moreover, the production is not always fair to the workers. To live more sustainably, we should be recycling our unwanted clothes. By donating your items to the Clothes Swap you get to declutter your wardrobe, as well as giving your conscience a break. Furthermore, proceeds from the Swap will go to Labour Behind The Label, a charity striving for fair pay in the garment industry and unwanted items will be donated to the homeless.
It doesn’t have to be this way. University of Bristol’s Clothes Swap is returning for a second year! It is taking place on Friday 2nd March at 12.30-3.30pm in Physics Enderby Room, Tyndall Avenue. Students, staff, guys and girls; by recycling your clothes at the Clothes Swap, you can rest assured that items you once adored will be worn and loved by someone else, or donated to those who really need them, rather than simply ending up on a landfill site. Zero guilt, and potentially considerable gain when you realise the truth in the idiom, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”.
‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’
Look out for clothing collections taking place every Wednesday and Thursday lunchtime on Tyndalls Avenue. For more information, check out the “UoB Clothes Swap” page on Facebook, where you can join the event. It’s a perfect opportunity to clear some space in your wardrobe and then fill it up again, but this time with items you might actually wear, and without any guilt. It’s a great cause, an easy way to get rid of some unwanted clothes and a cheap as chips fashion fix! Rachel O’Leary
20.02.2012 BLIND SUMMIT: THE TABLE
THE CRACKS IN MY SKIN
Written by Willy Russell, the legendary Blood Brothers tells the captivating and moving tale of twins who, separated at birth, grow up on opposite sides of the tracks, only to meet again with tragic consequences. It’s no wonder Blood Brothers is now ‘The Musical of the Decade’ (International Herald Tribune).
A visual romp through French New Wave style and puppet existentialism. Following a sell-out run at the Bristol Festival of Puppetry, puppet innovators Blind Summit Theatre return with their award-winning, brand new adult puppetry show.
One hot evening in Summer 1987, a mismatched group find themselves in the unlikeliest of families, but how long can anything perfect last? Written by Phil Porter, The Cracks in my Skin is open-hearted, funny, surprising and brutal; a play that will capture anyone’s heart. A new kind of love story, a new kind of family.
20 Feb – 5 March Hippodrome £15.50 - £36.50
21 – 25 February Tobacco Factory £9 concessions
22 – 25 February MR5C, Students’ Union £4/£5
AN ECOLOGY OF MIND
CARNAGE Starring Kate Winslet and Jodie Foster, this film is a hysterically funny and agonisingly tense descent into some very enjoyable bad behaviour. Filmed with Polanski’s trademark claustrophobic touch, this is a snappy, tremendously acted and brilliantly sustained expose of liberal hypocrisy.
21 February Arnolfini £5 concessions
Until 1 March Watershed £3.60 concessions
BRISTOL RADICAL FILM FESTIVAL The Festival screens some of the most socially and politically engaged documentary films from around the world. The festival hosts screenings in a variety of communitybased venues which reflects the festival’s aim to bring this kind of cinema out from the shadows and in the community.
Screen
An Ecology of Mind is a film portrait of Gregory Bateson, celebrated philosopher, author, naturalist, systems theorist, and filmmaker, produced and directed by his daughter, Nora Bateson. The screening will be introduced and followed by discussion with Nora Bateson.
Stage
BLOOD BROTHERS
2 – 4 March The Cube Various prices
LABRINTH
SHIT THE BED
Don’t miss out on French singer and actress Soko’s sell-out tour which coincides with the release of her new album ‘I thought I was an alien’. “Soko’s music is always such a delight! Very upbeat, very light-hearted, very magical” (Perez Hilton)
Currently riding high in the UK top three with his smash hit ‘Earthquake’, singer, producer and all round urban superstar Labrinth will be heading out on the road in 2012 with his very first UK tour.
Yet again ‘Shit the Bed’ hits Motion and take my word for it, it’s going to be a big one. With DJs such as Benga and Zinc, this definitely is one not to be missed!
1 March O2 Academy £15.25
3 March Motion £16.50
28 February Thekla £10 adv
BRISTOL ARTS WEEK
20 – 25 February Gallery space Free
WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER OF THE YEAR 2011
Trinity Community Arts will be hosting an event for artists of all media to meet like-minded people for food, drink and sharing of ideas. Reserve your place soon before it gets booked up.
Visually stunning and often thought-provoking, the images in this exhibition provide an insight into the beauty and variety of nature and shine a spotlight on the rarely seen wonders of the natural world.
21 February Trinity Centre Free
Until 11 March Bristol Museum and Art Gallery Free
Extras
Bristol Arts Week is the first week dedicated to celebrating and showcasing the artistic talents of Bristol students. There will be various events throughout the week ranging from poetry readings to photography workshops so head down to be part of something amazing.
OPEN ARTS NETWORKING EVENT
Sound
SOKO
Editor: Francesca Clayton fashion@ epigram.org.uk
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C is for couture
O
ver three days fashion houses such as Dior, Valentino and Chanel showcased the cream of their designs to the A list and fashion pack:Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek were spotted amongst faces such as Olivia Palermo and Clémence Poésy. Held as ongoing talks on the Eurozone crisis continued all across Europe, it was clear that Haute Couture is undoubtedly staying recession-proof. MONDAY Versace kicked off the week with a bang, not least because it had been eight long years since their last Couture show. The clothes featured corsets, jackets and structured hot pants, all of which were embellished to the max with gold plating, beading and intricate embroidery. Models were sent down a catwalk (also gold plated) in Grecian style stilettos and thigh-high white leather coupled with painfully tight ponytails and smoky eyes. Later in the day Dior did what it does best - albeit without the help of John Galliano - as layers and layers of hand stitched tulle accompanied delicate, hand painted silk. Caretaker head designer Bill Gaytten was sure to stay true to the brand’s iconic New Look heritage with nipped-in waists, sweetheart necklines and flared skirts featuring prominently.
TUESDAY
“Haute Couture is undoubtedly staying recessionproof”
Chanel Couture S/S 12
Money
Our rundown of the 2012 Couture shows
Dior Couture S/S 12
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Karl Lagerfeld wowed an enthralled audience with his aeroplane runway. However, the decadence of the setting was in contrast with the simple yet beautiful designs. Colours came from a palette of blues and metallics while the cropped jackets paid homage to Coco Chanel herself. To add a modern twist to the Pan Am stewardess look, hair was softly piled high, earrings were so long they touched collarbones and eyeliner was razor sharp and intense. Meanwhile, Armani Privé sent out an array of stunning gowns, causing celebrity bloggers around the globe to speculate over which we’ll see again at the Oscars. Green and steel were the two key colours featured, alongside some kooky spiralled hats.
The controversy of the week (ignoring Anna Wintour’s controversial fur coats) came from Jean Paul Gaultier. Models were sent out in beehives and undone blouses smoking cigarettes and accompanied by a barbershop choir singing ‘Rehab’. The show has since been slated by Winehouse’s dad Mitch, as well as the press, not only being labelled offensive but as inappropriate for Couture Week. Valentino wrapped up the week with his signature dream-like designs: lots of white, lots of lace and lots of floor-skimming hems. Sticking to the traditional extravagance of couture, one blouse was embellished with 3200 crystals and it took 500 hours to embroider a single blouse/skirt combo.
Scarf, Mary Katrantzou for Topshop £50
Katie Deighton
n the words of Coco Chanel: ‘A fashion that does not reach the streets is not a fashion’. How then, should we consider couture? Is it fashion in its purest form; a display of artwork not constrained by reality, or is it just plain crazy?
On the flip side, viewed as a piece of art, it can be seen as some of the most three-dimensional work around.After all, why should it be socially acceptable to dole out thousands for a painting but not clothing- which can actually be
Haute Couture (French for ‘high sewing’) refers to the creation of exclusive, custom-made clothing of the highest quality. The cost of a couture piece tends to start from about £10,000; highly unaffordable for the majority of people. Sure, the piece is one of a kind and fits you like a glove, but can spending such an huge sum of money on clothes ever be justified?
“A fashion that does not reach the streets is not fashion”
Couture gleefully ignores all the seasonal trends of ready-to-wear and embraces impracticality with pride; making couture so distant from everyday fashion we should conceivably question its relevance in the industry.
Blazer, Miss Selfridge, £40
WEDNESDAY
Couture: the art of extravagance I
Deputy: Lizzy Bullock deputyfashion@ epigram.org.uk
used! In fact, without couture, there may have been no such thing as the ‘fashion industry’. Reacting to the restrictiveness of Victorian clothing, designer Charles Worth established his first fashion house in Paris in 1858 and was coined the first ‘Courtier’: a dressmaker considered an
artist. Couture-inspired pieces tend to filter down the fashion hierarchy to the high street, with the likes of Topshop and even Primark producing nearidentical replicas of some garments. They mark the trends of the upcoming season before they have filtered down to mainstream fashion, guiding us to our pre-purchases for the next fashion epoch.
Bag, Cambridge Satchell Company £98
Shorts, H&M, £14.99
The couture debate endures, and while it might be something most consumers don’t need and certainly can’t afford, it has allowed creative geniuses such as McQueen, Gautier and Galliano to display their finest artwork. Excess or creativity, couture pieces are a part of history that are integral to the allure of the fashion industry and with any luck, will continue to inspire for generations to come. Lizi Woolgar
Dr. Martens, Office, £85
20.02.2012
Conde Nast College gets a C+ T
hat the 2012 BFC/Vogue Designer Fashion Fund award should be given to a graduate of the famous Central St Martin’s School of Art and Design should come as no surprise to those familiar with the institution’s inimitable record for producing successful fashion designers. As well as winner Jonathon Saunders, six of the eight finalists were CSM alumni, all of whom – particularly Mary Katrantzou and Roksanda Ilincic – are currently enjoying moments in the fashion sun.
In fact, many of the other big players within the industry, including former editor of French Vogue Carine Roitfeld, her successor Emmanuelle Alt, Anna Wintour and Lorraine Candy have never attended university. Candy seems to have the most authentic Cinderella story, having begun her career at The Cornish Times and ending up Editor of UK Elle.
However, perhaps in future years those working in the industry in roles other than designing, including as stylists and journalists, will also share an Alma Mater like those from CSM. Condé Nast,
Initially offering a one year Vogue Fashion Foundation Diploma and ten week short courses, the college promises to ‘be recognised throughout the world as a centre of educational excellence – a place where the fashion industry’s best marketeers, PRs, stylists, editors, publishers, and journalists have started their careers.’ The only conceivable barrier to the masses pouring in is the fees. The diploma costs £19, 560- four times the Russell Group cost of an MA in CartnerMorley’s subject History – a qualification two levels higher.
Conde Nast Prospectus 2012
Yet whilst CSM routinely produces the cream of designers, it is harder to pin down precisely which factory the fashion journalist is created in. Out of the current sample of head boys and girls, only one luminary, editor of Love magazine Katie Grand, was a CSM attendee.
If it wasn’t heartening enough to know that coming from the West Country is not an uncrushable barrier to working in fashion, take further delight from knowing that Jess Cartner Morley,
Maybe the idea is that graduating from Condé Nast College, along with a book full of contacts and several completed internships at its publications, is simply, priceless.
fashion editor of The Guardian, possesses a regular History degree and Alexandra Shulman, editor at UK Vogue, studied at the University of Sussex before entering the magazine industry to work at Tatler magazine.
owners of Vogue, Glamour, Love, Tatler and Harper’s Bazaar to name a few, are opening their very own college of fashion and design in London in January 2013. meaning there now will be a direct route into the industry.
Yet, given how it is frequently only those who can afford to accept unpaid internships who currently succeed – regardless of which university they attended – and the promise of a specific college to attend may not in reality create a more established route in. Rosemary Wagg
I want candy
Style Jury
Topshop
Mary Katrantzou’s hotly anticipated collection for Topshop hit stores last week but what did you think of the clashing patterns and exaggerated silhouettes? ‘It kind of looks like Cath Kidston and Laura Ashley had a lesbian lovechild - but I actually quite like it.’ Sarah, History of Art, masters student ‘Cath Kidston vomitted on her.’ Rose, Drama, third year ‘If she got stranded at sea at least she’d have a flotation device.’ Nathan, Music, third year ‘I don’t like the proportions - it could do with a belt.’ Pippa, Archaeology, second year
T
hose of us with a sweet tooth can jump for joy this season because S/S 12 is all about candy colours. Prada and Louis Vuitton led the charge with pretty pastels but fear not - the high street has embraced the trend so everyone can get their style sugar fix. Think sugared-almond shades to emulate this season’s candy craze: peppermint creams, parma violets and candyfloss pink.
P
Dress, Topshop, £36. Heels, Aldo, £80.
Jeans, Topshop, £38. Bag, ASOS, £15.
astel denim is huge this season –Topshop has released a delectable selection of jeans in edible shades which will no doubt be bestsellers. The Jamie jean in peppermint is a particular favourite here at Epigram. You should also be on the lookout for prom-style dresses in sugar pinks, blues, oranges and greens that ooze Fiftieshousewife glamour.
Y
ou can tone the look down by pairing your candy colours with lighter denims or white for a summery look. Alternatively, go for a pastel pop by accessorising with ballet pumps, sunglasses or a clutch in soft-hued colours. However you decide to wear your candy colours this spring, you’ll look good enough to eat! Fliss Brown Sunglasses, ASOS, £12. Shorts, River Island, £35.
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Editor: Francesca Clayton fashion@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Lizzy Bullock deputyfashion@ epigram.org.uk
Clockwise from right: Josephine: All clothes 71 Queens. Socks, stylist’s own. Henni: All clothes 71 Queens. Joesphine: Jackets and jeans, 71 Queens. Bralet, model’s own. Henni: Jumper and jacket, 71 Queens. Shorts, stylist’s own.
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Josephine: Shirt, 71 Queens. Henni: All clothes 71 Queens. Jospehine: Jackets, 71 Queens. Bralet, model’s own. Henni: All clothes 71 Queens. Boots, model’s own. Joesphine: Hat, and shirt, 71 Queens. Dress, tights and boots, model’s own.
71 Queens 71 Queens Road facebook.com/71QUEENS 0 117 929 0852
come as you are double denim, grungy t-shirts and checked fabric make up this season’s laid back look
20.02.2012
Beauty Crystal clear
T
his season’s beauty trends quite literally shimmered in the spotlight, with metallic accents and futuristic textures reasserting beauty as a trendsetter in its own right.
Fendi created a simple yet celestial look, with models’ eyes coated in gold and silver leaf from lash to brow and modernised with black liquid liner along the lash line. The boys at DSquared also showed a similar, albeit grungier look, with gold and silver glitter applied heavily across cheeks and lids, spilling from heavily kohled eyes like a starlet post-temper tantrum. At Just Cavalli, the look was described as ‘bohemian rock groupie girl, backstage at a concert’ by makeup artist Hannah Murray. Always keen to assert itself on the fashion stage, Topshop Unique showed hair slicked back with a futuristic helmet of gold leaf, contrasted with a fresh face, while at Alexander McQueen, nails were adorned with silver swirls, as if the models had dabbled in mercury.
Photographer: Marek Allen Styling: Francesca Clayton Hair & Makeup: Coco Creme Models: Josephine Suherman and Henni Bell
Givenchy, one of the simplest and yet most innovative looks of the season, teamed the fresh, angular faces of the models with silver sequin halves placed in the centre of the lash line on the upper and lower lids, lending an almost alien quality to the apocalyptic spirit of the clothes. Chanel, on the other hand, used shimmering pearls to lend an underwater femininity to the collection. They were woven through wet look hair and placed on ears, eyebrows and below the lower lip to add a further shimmering luminescence. To capture the essence of this trend, try Rimmel’s ‘Crack your Colour’ polish in Silver Clash on nails, or a lick of Urban Decay’s ‘Heavy Metal’ glitter eyeliner. Topshop’s eye shadow in Silver Sand is a perfect shade and texture for a chic metallic finish, or try Mac’s ‘Technakohl’ liner in Going for Gold for a fashionforward night time look.
Silver Sand eye shadow, Topshop, £6.50 Georgia Graham
Editor: Verity Stockdale travel@ epigram.org.uk
Olivia Lace-Evans
Undiscovered China
‘You are engulfed by the traditional and rural splendor you could otherwise spend a lifetime searching for’
When regarding Chinese achievement over the past 20 years, one can’t help but be overwhelmed at the speed and magnitude of their development and increasing influence on the global stage. From the economic boom that has taken the global markets by storm to the Beijing Olymics in 2008, China has become integral to people’s perception of the modern world. This is also true of their increasing appeal to tourists as China continues to expand.
Similarly, Huang Shan is one of the most breathtaking mountain ranges in China, yet the practicality of accessing the nearby town is admittedly challenging at points. That said, once you are there, the towering granite peaks and astounding sunrises truly make the effort all worth it. A number of walks take you up winding pathways between enormous pines, with view points looking over the vast and spectacular scenery depicted for years in many Chinese art works.
However, the combination of linguistic, cultural and political differences between western destinations and China still seem to linger in peoples’ minds. Bizarre tendencies such as spitting in the street and eating scorpions certainly took some getting used to. Furthermore, though there are more people who can speak English in China than in America, there are areas where asking for directions requires the greatest patience and a set of convincing hand signals.
In addition, one of the most breathtaking areas of rural China is the Guangxi province - home to the Lonji rice terraces and the Karst mountain ranges surrounding Yangshuo. The rice terraces dotted between tiny mountain villages provide the perfect hiking trails, looking over cascading steps of rice and vegetation. Yangshuo too provides astounding scenery, and yet the increasing number of tourists in the city itself threaten the tranquility and charm of the area. Nevertheless, by staying slightly out of the centre you are engulfed by the traditional and rural splendor you could otherwise spend a lifetime searching for. With bamboo rides along the river and cycle paths weaving between the towering limestone mountains one can’t help but feel relaxed and at ease.
Olivia Lace-Evans
And yet it is these difficulties and challenges which make visiting China so worthwhile. Some of the best hidden gems are the places which require the greatest effort to find. For example, only 45 minutes away from Shanghai lies the beautiful lake city of Hangzhou. Already a very popular Chinese tourist destination, few western tourists make the short journey on the bullet train to visit. Within two days, you can visit the islands and temples in the middle of the lake, cycle around at sunset, visit the peaceful Buddhist temples and carvings just outside of the city centre and explore the winding alleyways, stumbling across numerous tea shops and chopstick displays.
Due to the universal amicability of the Chinese people, the wonderful culinary experiences and the astounding variety of cities and countryside that the country has to offer, whether it is the rural bliss, the religious tranquility, the depth of culture and history or the bustling cutting edge cities, China won’t fail to disappoint. Olivia Lace-Evans
A tiny, huge city in south-west China Kunming is physically smaller than a handful of London boroughs but is a far more densely packed metropolis. At 2000m above sea level, Kunming’s fresh air and Himalayan-sourced water has provided a place of rest for the Mongol dynasty, Marco Polo and American GIs during the Second World War. Modern Kunming, the capital of Yunnan province, in south-west China, is an animated overdose of people, cars and culture. With a population well exceeding most European conurbations - six million and counting – and a combination of frenzied blocks of flats intersected with recently built dominating motorways, Kunming, as a disorganised hub, offers a stark contrast to the ultraefficient, mechanised Chinese countryside where big business has found its home. The architectural wildness accommodates the (previously impossible) possibility for convenient travel for the new generation of Chinese people. The heavy smog over the city, caused in part by chains of chain-smokers, does not feel oppressive, but rather
purveys a relaxed and un-selfconscious society. The city, officially founded in 765, was the beginning of the Silk Road and is therefore close to many areas of ancient beauty, including the nearby (by Chinese standards) peaceful mountain town Dali, an internal tourist destination. Kunming is also the sight of more modern history like the biggest work of bronze architecture in China – the ‘Golden Temple’. The city is also well connected via extensive government-sponsored rail networks taking would-be adventurers to Vietnam and other extra-territorial south-east Asian nations, as well as all major towns in China. Remnants of the now bygone era are viewed through the lens of old women dragging rotting wooden carts, poor men rummaging through rubbish and people carrying sacks of rice on rickety old motorcycles. These characters maintain order, allowing society to stick together, preventing rampant capitalism turning the city into a cultureless Hong Kong. A truly
fascinating mix of modern and ancient make Kunming an area of special importance for people who want to go off the beaten track. However, make the most of it as it may not be long before the city is overcrowded with everything which people in the west wanting to explore have seen before. Andrew White
Andrew White
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20.02.2012
AIRMAIL
“ He was incapable of managing one sentence of pure, romantic Spanish, with mothers and genitalia left well alone.”
Photo of the fortnight ‘Crimson Celebration’ Ragevan Vasan: Jodhpur, India
Lucy Hill
During the end of the summer season in India, the Ganesh Chaturthi festival takes place. Rajasthan, a state known for its bright colours becomes even more vibrant when the festival arrives. The event is a celebration of the birth of lord Ganesh. But in Jodhpur, it’s a time where crimson powder paints are thrown about the city streets and dancing continues well into the early hours of the morning. India really does know how to celebrate!
The majority of Brits will agree that the most offensive term in the English language starts with ‘c’ and ends in ‘t’. There’s also a ‘u’ in there…oh, and an ‘n’. But what happens when you transport yourself halfway across the world and suddenly, shouting out, “Oh, you C**T!” is as offensive as asking where the post office is?
The world’s... Most offensive hand gestures Despite our reputation as the politest nation, the Englishman is a creature known to be at his happiest when insulting his fellow man – take the national pastime of laughing at Boris Johnson as an example. But what’s to say that this has to stop when we travel abroad? Here is some essential advice which you won’t find on the foreign office website. The confusion between the victory or peace sign and its reversal, which we know as a substitution for ‘piss off’ has been repeatedly exploited over the years, with both Churchill and Thatcher having been caught obliviously wielding two fingers at the nation. The British usage still remains widely unknown in the US, which occasionally results in Americans unwittingly initiating barroom brawls whilst simply trying to order two beers in a British pub. But the fun in insulting someone without them realising has its limits, so let’s move on to gestures which will not have a chance of being misunderstood. Although you would really have to be an unfortunate human being to accidentally perform the ‘cutis’ during your travels, serial nail-biters may be at risk. In India and Pakistan, this thumbbiting gesture is an equivalent to ‘screw you.’ There is an art to waving hello to Greeks. Known as the ‘moutza,’ an open palm with outstretched fingers,
There may come a time when events inevitably conspire to leave you abroad and penniless, like when you’ve had to bribe an official not to arrest you or you’ve spent all your money on tequila. In the event that you have to explain how many dollars you have left, you may find yourself forming the shape of a ‘0’ with your fingers. Your Brazilian or German conversational partner, however, will only infer that you are refusing to pay on the grounds that he is a zero, an asshole or a homosexual. This generally only applies to European countries, so the problem can be avoided altogether by just shouting loudly enough in English until someone understands you.
‘In India and Pakistan, serial nail-biters may be at risk.’ usually thrust into the recipient’s face and accompanied by an exclamation of ‘na!’ is the most traditional Greek insult, essentially suggesting that the target of the gesture should ‘eat shit.’ This gesture is so offensive in Greece that it is said to be common practise to wave goodbye inwardly in a regal manner, so channel your inner Kate Middleton if you feel that appearing to be a Royalist is preferable to receiving a punch on the nose.
If you think you can get out of this one by running to the nearest motorway and trying to hitch a lift, your hands will betray you once again. In many holiday destinations such as Latin America, West Africa and Russia, the thumbs-up sign has a rather different meaning – namely, it will be received much in the same way as if you were to stick up your middle finger at someone.
Well, my friends, you master the local lingo, of course! A huge part of me is really looking forward to the first Spanish oral lesson of 4th year, in which I can show off my cunning mastery of Chilean Spanish by swearing like a native. Yeah, that’ll definitely get me a First, csm. I’d often hear teenage boys shouting, “Conche su madre, weón!” at each other in that juvenile, vulgar way teenage boys like to interact. A cheeky exchange of banter, I suppose. But it was a while before a Chilean uttered those words to me. I was slightly confused when it happened – I wasn’t rocking the androgynous look (nor am I now, for that matter), and my friendship group fell quite a few years outside the teenage boy bracket. It was my 21st birthday, and Mr Rockstar had clearly spent a lot of time constructing what would be his birthday message to me. “Lucy, you make me feel in the sky with diamonds, csm. A gigantic kiss for you!” How cute, I thought. Then I realised my mother’s genitals were being referenced and so I refused to speak to Mr Rockstar for days. I should have known that someone who begins most sentences with “Puta…” would be incapable of managing one sentence of pure, romantic Spanish, with mothers and genitalia left well alone. But then it became obvious just how popular this expression is amongst friends (and lovers) in colloquial Chilean Spanish. It’s a joke, a sign of someone’s sense of humour; in my case, a sign that I was a practising native. Add a “po” and a “weón” and you’re about as Chilean as they come. It wasn’t long before I felt constrained by the limited options of expletives available to me. I’d venture off into the previously uninhabited world of “Conche su prima/ abuela/ hermana/ tía,” (cousin/ grandmother/ sister/ aunt), maybe even throwing in “puta” for good measure, much to the humour and disgust of my Chilean friends. Later on in my time in Santiago, I discovered another ‘c’ word. I was invited to see a play entitled “Argentino culiao,” an invitation I declined after innocently asking a bemused passer-by what on earth “culiao” meant. Let’s just say that it is an insult aimed at homosexual men. You may think it’d be cute to turn up on your first day of Chilean uni and throw in a “culiao” in a desperate bid to make friends, but I promise you that this strategy will not work.
Of course, there is always the possibility of purposely employing all of these gestures to your heart’s content and excusing yourself by claiming ignorance, but this tactic should only be employed by those willing to risk the consequences.
One more thing, ladies and gentlemen - if you ever find yourself thirsty in a Chilean bar and fancy tasting the national drink of choice, pisco, it’d be wise to make sure you pronounce the ‘s’, else you may find yourself wrapping your lips around a very different sort of beverage.
Helen Corbett
Foreign Correspondent - Chile
Lucy Hill
Editor: Alex Denne treasurer@ epigram.org.uk
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SheWee’s Sam Fountain talks business Firstly, what is a SheWee and what inspired you to create it? A SheWee is a plastic funnel that allows ladies to go for a wee whilst standing or sitting and without removing their clothes. I designed it in 1999 for my dissertation when I was studying product design at De Montfort in Leicester, we were told to look at an area that we thought needed improvement so I decided to look at public toilets; Originally I had been thinking of innovative ways to clean them until I realised that blokes don’t actually mind using them, so I thought ‘maybe there’s a way to replicate that mindset in women’ and Voila! The SheWee was born. How did you develop the idea? Well when I came up with the idea I originally thought it would be used mainly by cyclists, skiers, ramblers and other outdoorsy types but the SheWee made it easier for any woman to ‘go’ whilst on the go, and we started to think about other applications for it. An example of this is how frustrating it can be for girls to walk back from a night out whilst needing a piss, especially when blokes can just scurry behind a wall or a car and relieve themselves. That frustration made me realise the wide range of applications including camping, festivals and traffic jams. Women love it so much that we even have branded female urinals at Glastonbury now which we call ‘SheWee-inals’. So when did it really become a business? Well I wasn’t actually able to actually turn the SheWee into a business until 2005 when I stopped working for Dyson; they offered me a job after I won the ‘James Dyson design award’ in my final year but they had me tied into a contract which had me promise not to develop any other products whilst working there, even in my own garden shed!
‘Dragons Den was bollocks to be honest’ After I left Dyson I sat down and wrote a business plan which concluded that I would need £120,000 to take the SheWee to market; I printed over 100 copies of the business plan and gave 3 out to each of my friends, urging them to read one and to give two of them to friends whom they golfed with or anyone else who they thought might be interested. After a little while I had 12 people willing to put in a suggested £10,000, I made sure that I retained the 51% controlling stake. I thought you went on Dragons Den to get investment? Yeah true, I had figured out that I basically needed a £17,000 ‘top-up’ but the BBC told me that £17,000 was a boring amount and that I should ask for £70,000 in return for 40% of the business, that was complete bollocks to be honest. I spent about 2 hours in the den and got invaluable advice although at one point Theo [Paphitus] nearly laughed me off until he was eventually told to ‘shut
up’ by the producers! Duncan [Bannatyne] was the best though as he said ‘Look love, I’m really sorry but I just can’t invest, I simply can’t be forever known as Mr.SheWee’. That was quoted everywhere in the media which worked brilliantly as free press. We received 2,000 orders an hour just after dragons den and it was chaos in the office the next day as we tried to fulfil them. How have you tried to convince girls to embrace standup peeing? I guess we’ve been fortunate really because it’s quite novel and people like to have a laugh about it, even Dawn French has had it as part of her stand-up routine for 4 years or so now. We send free SheWees out to celebrities (including guys) and Harry Styles [One Direction] tweets about how much he loves his (for some reason).
20% off with the online code ‘Epigram’ We get plenty of product placement too; we recently appeared in an episode of Hollyoaks for example and we get a lot of chat on the radio. Sometimes we’re cheeky and we text in saying ‘I wish I had a SheWee in this traffic Jam’, and because radio has so much time to fill they’ll end up just talking about SheWee’s for a while. For Valentine’s Day we even composed a little romantic poem: ‘roses are red, violets are blue, now I have a SheWee I can wee next to you!’ How have you built on the success of the original SheWee? We’ve seen a lot of success from our SheWee Extreme which we were inspired to create after an Everest climber told us that her clothes were too bulky for the original SheWee, we made it with an extendable tube which makes the whole process easier in difficult circumstances. We also have some other fledgling products such as our absorbent gel pouch and the X-front (the ladies Y-front) but our sales are still majority SheWee. We’re aiming to turnover half a million this year and although we haven’t strictly made a profit yet due to continuous reinvestment, we have managed to grow the business by 30% year on year since 2005 which is really great. Finally, what advice would you give to an entrepreneur just starting out? Ask everyone and anyone their advice on any problems you may have, you don’t have to take it but it’s really good to listen to everybody’s opinion. Whether you’re trying to raise capital or you need
to choose which packaging to use, everyone has a valuable opinion. Another thing which has been important, for me at least, is not to be greedy. I’ve always been cautious which has enabled me to grow the business so that I can easily just go back and start all over again if I needed to for whatever reason which I think is really important. I’ve also always done it for the kudos and the enjoyment of seeing my product on shelves, not for the money.
PooNarnia Who are you? I’m Will Goodwin and I’m the Director of Festival Loo Ltd: We provide odour free and environmentally friendly cubicles for human waste at festivals, boutique events and private parties. We’ve actually just been shortlisted for the Lloyds TSB enterprise award! Sounds great, how does it work? No, next year we will have the ability to turn human waste into around 95% water which we can safely discharge to local water sources and 5% fertile sludge for use by local farmers. Our portable waste-treatment plant (in a shipping container) uses bacteria to eat 225,000 litres of liquid waste every 24 hours and can easily be scaled up or down depending on a festival’s requirements. Our toilets are waterless and spacious and by combining human deposits with carbon based bulking materials and oxygen; we can create the perfect environment for the natural composting process to occur. Do you just do festivals? They’re definitely our biggest market but we’ve also attracted interest from elsewhere and although I can’t divulge much, we have done some private parties. How’re the finances just 1 year down the line? Well we’ve had no profit yet because of our turnover of only £1500 last year but we’re looking at a strong turnover of around £250,000 this year now we’ve successfully got our name and product out there, this should be a really exciting summer for us. How did you fund it? Geordie [Barker], Squeak [Freeman] and I each pumped £10,000 into the business, and after putting in a lot of time and resources into making our ideas real, we’re looking to sell 10% of the business for £50,000. Are you the only ones doing this? Well loads of people think that it is just ‘hippy bullshit’, but there’s actually a wealth of logic behind it. Although I may be a bit biased in saying this, I believe that there are six people in the world who can run them and the three best are in our company. What is Poonarnia? Poonarnia is our venue and it was so successful at Standon Calling 2011 we’re looking to now incorporate that into more of our events in the future. In fact, if you ‘like’ our ‘Poonarnia’ Facebook page before Sunday 4th March then you’ll be in for a chance to win a pair of tickets to Standon Calling 2012 on 3-5th August in Hertfordshire (£160+ value). We’ll always have cheesy tunes for you to shit to at the very least, so look out for us and our airy, spacious and odourless crappers.