Deputy: Editor: Josephine Franks Imogen Carter jfranks@ living@ epigram.org.uk epigram.org.uk
@e2Living
Deputy: Mona Tabbara mtabbara@ epigram.org.uk
Living
colossal as it was terrifying- the ‘ghost chilli sauce’ dripping tantalisingly onto the plate. As the restaurant’s clientele gasped in awe of the sheer size of the challenge I faced, I took my first bite.
SOME LIKE IT VERY HOT
Style
Atomic Burger on Gloucester Road claims to serve one of the hottest burgers in Britain. Could brave gourmand Rory Campbell eat one in under an hour? In the interest of serious investigative journalism, Living went along to find out. The evolution of mankind has always depended on its ability to overcome adversity. 300 million years ago it was the Ice Age. 600 years ago it was the Black Death and 50 years ago it was nuclear weapons. But today man has a new foe. One that masks its true nature beneath layers of succulent beef and whose destructive potential is concealed amidst mountains of French fries. The battle between man and food is not a new one, but lurking amongst the bustling streets of Gloucester Road lies a challenge that even the most gladiatorial of eaters should fear. Presenting Atomic Fallout
the Burger.
When I was asked by Epigram to take on the Fallout Burger challenge, I saw it as an opportunity to up my amateur eating game and turn pro. While the double 16” pizza challenge at The Hill somewhat
quelled my appetite (and various other challenges have provided me with a welcome relief from my Sainsbury’s basics diet), I was still searching for the elusive holy grail of challenges. A small amount of research on the Atomic Burger told me all I needed to know. One million units on the Scoville scale, 18oz of mince, 18oz of cheese and a triple portion of chilli fries. This was to be my vincere aut mori. [Ed: Didn’t know what this meant either, but it’s Latin for ‘Victory or Death’. Pretty spot on, as you’re about to see]. The Atomic Burger restaurant presented a deceptively alluring front. Retro children’s science fiction plastered the walls as small families
dotted the restaurant slurping innocently on their milkshakes and I began to think ‘How bad can it be!?’ My sense of complacency immediately vanished once I was presented with a pair of safety gloves and a disclaimer form to sign. Now more than ever I needed to remember my training and preparation. My stomach was roaring with the sort of hunger only an intense gym session can bring about, and I clutched my carton of milk ever tighter, like a gladiator shielding himself from the inevitable battle that was approaching. Hours of watching Adam Richman tackle the most monstrous meals man has ever deep fried and assembled into a comically large burrito had made my expectations of the Atomic Fallout Burger sky high and as it was laid out before me in all its glory, it did not disappoint. While I had expected a sizeable amount of fries, the three portions advertised was certainly an understatement. The burger itself was as
The rules stipulated I had one hour to finish the entire plate of food without throwing up. I had decided beforehand to tackle the burger first, which I perceived to be the hardest part of the challenge. The heat from the sauce was incredible and its initial impact had me sweating profusely; the famous ghost chilli sauce living up to its reputation. Yet it wasn’t the heat in my mouth that was the real killer, but the slow burning that began in the pit of my stomach. I could feel the chilli sauce doing unspeakable things to my insides, but I couldn’t let the burger defeat me so early on. While the milk proved to be temporarily relieving it merely postponed the inevitable agony of the sauce for a few more moments. As the minutes ticked by I began to struggle. While I had managed to banish all thoughts of defeat from my mind before the challenge, 35 minutes in they came crawling back into my consciousness. My stomach was trying its utmost to reject any more food and while I continued to try and force fries and pizza down my throat, my pace had slowed almost to a standstill. Even as my support team willed me to keep going, cheering every mouthful I took, by now I knew the inevitable. With a quarter of the food left on my plate I called time on the challenge. I had failed. I had been defeated. Atomic Burger offers a challenge which should be respected and feared in equal measure. I confess the Atomic Burger challenge still haunts me, chilli fries and cheese tormenting my sleep, the taste of defeat stinging like an everlasting chilli sauce. Yet, while writing this article I have come to realise in the form of the Atomic Fallout Burger, ‘man’ faces a formidable enemy. I gave it my best shot, but in this case it wasn’t quite enough. The sauce in itself was not enough to defeat me, nor was the size of the plate, but the combination of the two proved insurmountable. To those who wish to follow in my footsteps and attempt the seemingly impossible, I can only say…good luck.
Travel
e2 is brought to you by
This week’s e2 proposes that if Bristol Living : Imogen Carter, Josephine Franks and Mona was a dog entered in to a Crufts competition Tabbara will meet at 1.15 in the White Bear on Tuesday consisting entirely of other universities-as-dogs, 5th of March we would almost definitely have the rosette for Style : Lizi Woolgar and Alice Johnston will meet at 1.10 in the ASS cafe on Wednesday 6th of March Best in Show pinned to our fuzzy little throat. Whether putting together Britain’s largest student fashion and dance show or nearly finishing a really, really spicy burger, Bristol students are consistent in demonstrating their excellence.
Travel : Alicia Queiro and Alex Bradbrook will meet at 12.15 in the Refectory on Monday 4th of March with e2 editor : Ant Adeane Illustrations: Sara Daoud Charlie Aldington
e2 online editor: Nicola Reid www.e2blog.tumblr.com
04.03.13
THE CHALLENGE
A bite-by-bite account 17.15 Rory and the Living team arrive at Atomic Burger. Rory describes himself as ‘nervous, but confident’. 17.36 A two pint carton of milk is produced from Rory’s bag. Mild confusion ensues, but it turns out that the white stuff is good for temporary relief of the burning sensation. As Rory explains, ‘Fail to prepare, prepare to fail’.
Fastest challenge completion time an astonishing 5 minutes 39 seconds
17.37 Our new Atomic Burger friends inform us that free milk is, in fact, supplied by the restaurant throughout the challenge.
17.38 Living falls over itself in a bid to express its gratitude for aforementioned milk... 17.39 ...before remembering that all prospective Fallout burger eaters are also required to pay £25 for the privilege, plus an added £30 for any unwelcomed vomiting on the restaurant premises. 17.41 The disclaimer is signed, safety gloves are donned.
Ignorance is bliss: looking positive pre-burgs
17.44 Tension mounts as the burger undergoes preparation in the lab by specialists Gary and Tod. 17.50 Living team sample a drop of the chilli sauce on a tortilla chip, prompting supportive complaints of heart palpitations. 18.06 Burger arrives in all its toxic red, spicy glory. Stage one commences. Rory stoically tucks in, ignoring the volume and lurid colour.
Defeated, but a valiant effort from Campbell
18.16 First beads of sweat surface, Rory undoes belt. 18.21 Rory requests an outdoor break. The officiator, waiter Ollie, grants the request. 18.25 Rory returns. Stage two begins. Plate is in a state of mayhem. As Deputy Editor comments, ‘psychologically, there is a lot of yellow’. 18.27 Rory continues the challenge by addressing the burger bun, described by the Sports editor as the ‘long sorbet’ of the meal; ‘something of a sanctuary’ adds Deputy Editor. 18.32 Mouth begins to turn red. Rory maintains his fighting spirit, commenting ‘the rareness of the meat is the only obstacle in this challenge’. 18.34 Rory’s support team continue to pull him through, helpfully ordering themselves a round of delicious milkshakes, tater tots, onion rings and a cup of tea for the Deputy Editor. Rory declines the offer of a tot. Inspirational comments at this point include ‘I expect you’ll start hallucinating soon’. 18.38 Rory requests second outdoor break. Officiator affords him this rest period. 18.40 Rory returns in a state of bemusement, ‘Where do I go now? Everything’s got chilli on it.’ Stage three is undertaken. 18.43 Messages of support flood in. Rory’s girlfriend expresses concern for his health, while his mother reminds him ‘It’s not the taking part that counts, it’s the winning.’ 18.45 Rory begins to flag as his stomach capacity holds him back. Living’s cheer squad do their best to help him through: ‘Your body’s adapting. This is evolution.’ 18.49 In spite of his extraordinary efforts, evolution does not occur quickly enough. Rory throws in the towel, and gives up on his dreams of making it onto the Fallout challenge leader board and getting a free t-shirt.
18.10 Backup arrives in the form of Epigram’s Deputy Editor and Sport’s Online Editor.
THE DISCLAIMER
1. Due to the extremely hot nature of FALLOUT PIZZA BURGER CHALLENGE, I agree that I am of sound mind, over the age of 18 and am not inebriated or impaired in any way 2.FALLOUT IS A LOT FOOD, I AGREE TO NOT CONTINUE EATING IF I FEEL FULL OR SICK. IF I AM SICK IN THE RESTAURANT THEN I WILL COMPLETELY CLEAN & MOP THE AREA OR PAY A £30 CLEANING FEE STRAIGHT AWAY 3. If I am sick this constitues a fail in the FALLOUT PIZZA BURGER CHALLENGE 4. I understand the FALLOUT FALLOUT PIZZA BURGER CHALLENGE can cause serious injury. Exposure of the Fallout sauce to the skin, eyes or any other body parts WILL cause severe discomfort 5. I agree to wear safety gloves when handling the FALLOUT PIZZA BURGER CHALLENGE and treat it with the respect it deserves 6. I hereby relinquish Atomic Burger, its affiliates, its employees and their pets from any and all lawsuits I or any of my dependants, heirs or family members may have relating to any damage caused from participation of the FALLOUT PIZZA BURGER CHALLENGE
With special thanks to all the staff at Atomic Burger Having been stupidly busy the past week, the latest ‘internet sensation’ Harlem Shake flew over my head faster than Mo Farah running late for the bus on a Monday morning.
flickr x-ray delta
BORDERLINE NEWS
IMOGEN PALMER
HARLEM SHAKING
‘What is this Harlem shake I’ve been invited to?’ I soliloquised to my laptop. ‘Is it some kind of American, milk-based soft drink? Could it perhaps be a new manner of greeting like a fist bump or a high five?’ Ten minutes of the ol’ Youtube later, I discovered it was neither of these things. Correct me if I’m wrong but I believe the general idea is this: one person dances on their own for a bit while everyone ignores them (story of my life) and then suddenly everyone joins in wearing rather jolly outfits. Like, that’s great and all- I’m not going to be all sarcky and ironic about it- I’m no viral video
scrooge. People gotta do what they gotta do and if that’s making a video of themselves bopping and thrusting in a chicken costume then fair enough. My big problem is with the song. It’s just shit. Right? At least Gangnam Style was catchier than crabs on a field day.
A charity in New Zealand is teaching rescued dogs how to drive a car. ‘We think more people will adopt them when they realise how intelligent they are’, an employee said. I’m hoping I can say the same for my brother when he finally passes his theory.
“What is this Harlem Shake I’ve been invited to?”
Nordic parents encourage their children to nap outside sub-zero temperatures in accordance with the Swedish saying ‘there is no bad weather, only bad clothing.’ In our country, there is bad weather and bad clothing.
In
other
news:
Pensioners across the country damage themselves playing basketball. The cause? A cruel trick played upon them by an otter in Oregon zoo plays it to aid his arthritis. Do we need any more reasons to not trust otters?
An Irish publican has been prosecuted after police found dozens of ‘nuns’ illegally drinking several hours past closing time on his premises. One ‘nun’ reported ‘We really thought we’d solved the problem of Maria, until she vommed over her habit and told the Pastor his face looked like a turkey dinosaur.’
Editor: Imogen Carter living@ epigram.org.uk
REAL TALK
Living
HIGH E
ANC S S I A N RE
GAL ISOBEL ALLEN
Style
Having only just recovered from a night of my usual escapades, une pal of mine turned desperados to me like a disciple to J-man and was like, ‘Hun, how are you such a smoking babealicious pulling machine???’, so then I was like ‘HUN, I just really don’t know’ and then she was like ‘No but hun seriously please help me, the meek and lowly, be just like you, the amazing and sexylicious’ so then I was like ‘Okay.’ At first I thought I’d give her a quick run-down of the classic staples of every sexual predator’s diet: ie. le flicky fringe, le sexy look from under le brows, le leany forward sticky out boobs etc etc. Instead I decided to take her through a recent incident of mine, and yes, O despairing shag-deprived studentos, scouring this earth for the answer to your sexual stagnation, I, generous creature that I am, am publishing this short parable for your benefit also. I hope this short account sheds but a glimmer of light into your dim lives, providing tips which I can only hope that you attempt to emulate. If I’m honest, it all happened rather quickly. I suppose it’s just that natural and easy for me I can’t even explain how I do it. I had gone out looking shit-your-pants hot (standard proceej), done a quick scan, honed in on the fumbly, slightly slobbering, on the more unconscious side of sober gentleman to my right and launched the attack. Le you, le me, le snog, mais oui.
“Le you, le me, le snog, mais oui”
Travel
From there it escalated rather swiftly - in more ways than one. From his indecipherable mumblings and his persistence in walking away from me I got the hint (a regular undertaker of the ‘hard-to-get’ gag myself) that he wanted me to follow him, and when he said he didn’t want me to go back to his, one assumed he would rather my house – conveniently at that point but a pedestrian crossing away. En route, my increasingly woozy amigo kept up the treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen act the whole way there (be not deterred by apparent unwillingness) but with a friendly guiding push or shove the and the missile was, if you will, in the target range. As you can see up to this point, young ones, it is persistence and keenwitted interpretation of the coital conundrums so many amorous amateurs out there give off - my fumbling friend here being a prime example – which is so central to my success. It is, however, with this that I pause my account of that fateful evening, for reasons I have decided are best to keep to myself (and also because for some reason he more than firmly said he doesn’t want anyone to know about us - must be a religious thing or something). Let’s just say I learnt many things that night. That reciprocity is overrated, that I am in fact Sasha Fierce in le boudoir and, incidentally, mildly lactose intolerant.
Deputy: Josephine Franks jfranks@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Mona Tabbara mtabbara@ epigram.org.uk
WINNER TAKES IT ALL There are two types of people in this world: winners and losers. When you were younger, in a desperate attempt to boost your self-esteem, your parents may have told you that losing is alright – ‘it’s the taking part that counts!’ This famous statement touting the glory of participation doesn’t sit right with me. I’m proud to admit that I am all about the winning. The argument that the ‘taking part’ is more important than the incomparable feeling of victory is intrinsically wrong as a life stance - and I’ll tell you why. Henry Russell Sanders once stated that ‘Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing’. What a top bloke. He really hit the nail on the head with that one. Winning really is the only thing – if you disagree, the harsh reality is that you’re just not cut out to be a winner. I am completely and utterly unashamed to admit that I am in love with winning. Winning and I have a very intimate relationship, and I’ll tell you what, our relationship is constant. In fact, I win so often that I’m just waiting to pop the question until death do us part.
men’s final, you don’t have a line up of men who are confident they can run sub-11 seconds and then a guy munching on a Big Mac who just thought he’d have a go for the craic. Surely the same philosophy should apply to everything else in life? Only try it if you’re sure of success, and we’d have a much more thrilling existence. After all, the competitive side of people is so much more attractive and makes life that bit juicier. If you can’t make the best cakes, don’t bother turning up to the cake sale; if we apply the Olympics logic here, we would have a range of cakes that would make Mary Berry so excited she’d invest in Tena-lady pronto.
Now, my main problem with the concept that it’s all about the ‘taking part’ is that it often leads to embarrassing situations that arise as a result of heightened confidence. Once you enter the state of mind where winning isn’t all that matters it’s a slippery slope to inevitable failure and public humiliation –a dangerous realm with disastrous repercussions. For a brief period of time I indulged in such beliefs; such foolishness led me to try my hand at netball, musical instruments, cooking, street dance classes, foreign languages, horse riding, 600m sprints in front of a pretty large crowd at one of the biggest university athletics meets of the year, and many more. Inevitably, I lacked the skills for success in any of these pursuits and suffered public humiliation as a result. Nowadays I have adapted my technique: I partake only in those activities at which I am physically and mentally adept. Or, in other words, I only do stuff I’m going to win at.
For all those reading this who still can’t relate to my desperate need to win, please, try it some time. Join the race of winners; we may be an elite group but there’s always room for a few more. It’s a worthwhile and all-round hobby that can be applied to any walk of life.
“Obsessive Compulsive Winning Disorder is a real thing”
You don’t just need to write the best essay, scan your card the fastest on the 16 bus, or walk down the indecisive steps to Chemistry the smoothest, there’s a whole world of winning out there that has barely been tapped into. Obsessive Compulsive Winning Disorder really is a thing - or if not, it ought to be. We are a troubled group of people; I can barely relax for a moment anymore. When everything is a competition, life is tense. However, despite all the exhaustion which the competition that is life brings, the feeling of sheer and undeniable victory is one which I would not trade.
You may consider this a narrow-minded view but surely it makes sense. If everybody only entered into things they knew they were going to do well at, our whole world would be like the Olympics and our quality of life drastically improved as a result. It would take the dreariness and mundane aspects out of day-to-day life. Think about it - in the 100m
Let’s be honest, life is a competition. There are always going to be winners and losers, it’s how we separate the strong and the weak. If natural selection ever had a use, it was for this. I might not be winning yet, but give me time, and I damn sure will be.
Victoria Halman
Deal or Noel Deal
This issue Noel has stumbled across a must have for every student house courtesy of Student Beans:
“We’re guessing most of you are done with puberty and are as tall as you are going to get. That’s no reason not to want and LOVE this Free Green Giant Height Chart! Put it up in your kitchen to encourage the less healthy flat mates to eat their veg or incorporate it into an imaginative drinking game to follow beer pong. Flicking peas at targeted height zone is an idea, but does NOT count as getting one of your 5 a day.”
04.03.13
The ceremony season is in full swing with the Baftas, Oscars and Brits capturing our hearts and minds. Here at Living we have decided to jump on the bandwagon with our own awards, celebrating all that the internet has blessed us with and that prevents us doing anything productive, ever.
Best Procrastination Site: www.buzzfeed. com Every useless list that has ever been compiled
is lovingly brought together in one place for your convenience. This includes ‘The 13 Most Confusingly Sexy One Direction Lyrics’, ‘All the Times Michelle Got the Short End of the Destiny’s Child Stick’ ‘23 Tips for Parents Taking Selfies’. Living’s particular favourite remains ‘42 People You Won’t Believe Actually Exist’, such as this woman eating a block of cheese.
Best Twitter Feed: @ThePeppaPig_ Insightful tweets include ‘ma tit hurtz cos I fel off a curb :’( #staystrongpeppapig #cutforpeppa’, ‘gurlz dnt sleep naked coz spiderz cud crawl inside your vagina’, and ‘lana del ray lana ctrl ray lana alt ray’. Best You Tube Video: Washing Machine Doing Harlem Shake:
the Middle East, forget the spending cuts - the Daily Mail once again lead the way in investagative journalism with their exposé of the fascist housing crisis in south Wales.
Best email ever received: James Noble and his double banana
DLegakis
Best News Article: Daily Mail - ‘The Hitler house: Semi in Swansea looks eerily like Nazi dictator (complete with naff side parting)’: Forget
Photography/
You know an internet craze has hit the big time when inanimate objects start getting involved.
James Noble: ‘Found a double banana’ Living: wow thanks, I don’t really know what to say! Are you looking to get published/write an accompanying article? James: If you need some space filling I’d be happy to write a Piece. Otherwise enjoy it for what it is. Regards, James. Living: Well, we’ll put it in, feel free to add a short statement on the banana if you’d like to be quoted/ think it needs further explanation. James: ‘The banana had twice the A-peel’
Thanks James and enjoy seeing it in print
THE MG FACTOR ***OMG FACTOR 12*** Last week I was on my way back to uni for the start of term and I was PSYCHED. As I was driving along the motorway I got stuck in traffic. I knew my crush was going back on the same day and as luck would have it, I turned to the car next to me and there he was, MY CRUSH! He couldn’t see me because his car was packed full of Noddy outfits but I recognised his favourite hat above Noddy’s and knew it was him. To get his attention I decided to wind down my window and shout his name. DISASTER, the window started coming back up and my neck got trapped. It wouldn’t stop and my crush turned to look just as my head got sliced off. Just before I died I saw him in hysterics. I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again. Gabrielle fan, 20, Biggin Hill ***OMG FACTOR 9*** So I was walking down Woodland Road when I suddenly heard a totally loud noise. I looked around but couldn’t see anything. Next thing I knew, a helicopter was flying overhead and a huge claw dangling from a rope out its window was heading straight for me! I threw off my kitten heels (hitting my hot lecturer in the face!) and ran for my life. A man in the helicopter shouted through a loudspeaker ‘Stop running, lass, you didn’t water your bonsai tree over Christmas! You’re grounded.’ It was my dad! By now the claw had caught up with me and clamped my torso. It lifted me up and carried me three metres above the ground towards the Triangle. Smashing into lampposts and bus stops on the way, by the time I reached Sainsbury’s my clothes were ripped and my arms had fallen off. Worst of all, a lad I fancied had been walking behind me and seen everything! Eiffel 65 fan, 22, Limpley Stoke ***OMG FACTOR 4*** Last week, my eye fell out in the bath! *NSync fan, 18, Pucklechurch ***OMG FACTOR 8*** The other day I was leaving the ASS as I caught a glimpse of my crush in the café. Thank god I was wearing my new Nike airs, parka and carrying my folder in my arms (who needs a bag lol). But in my panic I forgot to check out my book and slammed straight into the barrier. All of a sudden, I rolled over the top of it and kept spinning round and round as both my gall bladder and oesophagus fell out of my mouth. I quickly untangled myself from the jumble of blood, hair scrunchies and gold hoops and proceeded to stumble into the glass wall to the sounds of my crush roaring with laughter. #gonnahavetosticktowillsmem. Sonique fan, 21, Bockhampton. ***OMG FACTOR 9*** A couple of weeks ago I was babysitting one of my mate’s sisters. It was all going gr8 but just as I started watching my fave soap Hollyoaks, I heard her crying. I went upstairs and saw her standing in the corner of her room with a hand grenade which she threw at me! My guts went everywhere and as my eyes started to fall out I saw that my crush who lives opposite was watching it all with his binoculars!! McFly fan, 24, Gillingham
Georgie Allen
flickr X-ray delta
BEST OF THE WORST
@e2Living
Style
Living
TASTE THE INDIFFERENCE
ROOM 101 #8: FACEBOOK STATUSES Imagine, if you will, a utopia over which I preside as Queen. On my to-do list there would be (in no particular order): 1. Dismantle the patriarchy (obvs), 2. Pass law making nonironic use of the word ‘amazeballs’ punishable by death and 3. Declare an embargo upon those newsfeed dominators, the chronic over-user of the Facebook status. I mean, sure, that heart-warmingly, soul-destroyingly familiar vision of blue and white greets me with that innocuous question ‘How are you feeling, Ellie?’ every time too. And sure, being the gratuitous drama queen that I am, I’m often feeling pretty strongly about something. But I often resist from sharing it with the world, because at the tender age of 17 I came to terms with the uncomfortable truth that my overbearing enthusiasm/deep, deep despair and occasional dalliances with other notches on the emotional scale (e.g. feelings on finding one non-chicken and chorizo ravioli in my Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference Chicken and Chorizo Ravioli) are tiresome enough for my real-life friends and long-suffering relations, never mind the acquaintances who have yet to appreciate my true genius. (I ate the whole box of ravioli bar the one outlier, took it back, and tasted victory in the form of a full refund. I still talk about it. Just not on Facebook. Epigram’s okay though.) So, let’s limit status changes to once a day, shall we? Yup, even (especially) when it’s snowing. But, alas, there are many more virtual pitfalls on the perilous path to non-offensive internet usage: let’s take, for example the Passive Aggressive Status. A recent example: ‘hates it when a ‘friend’ makes u feel shit…:(’. Ignoring, for the moment, the fact that I would question the sanity of anybody who actively enjoys being belittled by their friends, this sort of status is akin to using a shrimp trawler to fish for compliments.
Travel
Anything relating to what an absolutely amazing time you’re having on your year abroad should also be consigned to the ‘Don’ts’ list. I know, I know, it’s absolutely hilare that your friends are bumming out in the library whilst you’re larking around some foreign land, but don’t be a dick about it, à la ‘Just off to hit the slopes…casual Friday afternoon.’ The same goes for statuses created following (or God forbid, during) nights out, or statuses including private jokes. Announcing that you have had ‘SUCH a gd nyt out wiv da gurlssss <3<3 driiiinkin, laughinnnn mothers LOCK UP UR SONS haha jess loves yellow vans! lol xXx’ will only encourage me to tiptoe into your room while you are sleeping off your hangover and wake you up by sounding an air horn into a megaphone. Various other gear-grinders include: compliment fishing (‘feeling so fat today :(‘); intentionally poorly disguised drug related ‘banter’; non-ironic/over-zealous use of the hashtag; sports-related arguments; the ubiquitous bad ‘frape’ (‘[insert name here] is gay lolllllll’) and one of my old nannies, who inexplicably devotes most of her Facebook activity to complaining about the government’s inadequate policy with regards to benefit fraud. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a political statement, but once a day will do. I could dea) I’d have see myself
friend these people, sure, but then nothing to complain about and b) I as a bit like Batman, nobly defending Facebook’s Gotham City from the forces of evil. Heath Ledger may have made a good Joker, but status abusers… you do not.
Ellie Smith
The life of a food critic is a harsh one. Countless dinners consumed in dire and restless self-reflection, endless nights spent at home slaving away over a keyboard, with nought but the babble of late-night television programming to keep company. That, and the endless and merciless physical beatings at the hands of the veteran critics. No less than this was ever true for me, and I am proud to count myself amongst the élite, having endured this regime.
goat’s cheese and red onion tart, with exotic spices and served with any beverage of the customer’s choice. You have not misread: Alas, as a consequence of a bungled escapade in a any beverage. central London restaurant I have found myself at the mercy of the mafia, cough, I mean the conservative Such pretension! Such press. I consequently find myself nestled in the flagrant disregard for the fine Georgian terraces and rustic hills of Bristol, culinary laws! Utterly preposterous. I can only speculate the widely acknowledged home of English fine on the state of the kitchen out back, but I am certain cuisine (If you detect a bitter hint of sarcasm that that it must surely be run by a short-sighted monkey statement, dear readers, then you have intuited of a head chef, unable to tell the difference between a correctly my intentions. I shall, nonetheless, as is French milk pan and a Portuguese frying pan, between the heavy and dutiful burden of the professional a bowl of vegetables d’Avignon, and a plate of potatoes food critic, soldier on, and attempt to salvage from dauphinois! This is what we are forced to endure when this relative exile some quantity of culinary critical we entrust our restaurants to the care of chefs educated vigour). not in the punishing (and I mean literally punishing, with bamboo canes if necessary) regime of the Paris I shall begin this new and terrifying stage of my restaurant scene, but in the state-subsidised further career by musing on a restaurant newly established education colleges of Catford, Stratford, Bradford on the scene. It is a little known establishment, and all the other fords. And, what is more, they offer hidden away in an unpresuming street off the their patrons the option of a take-away service. Take south side of Whiteladies road, specialising in fine away. What are we coming to? Or, rather, to be more dining. Look hard enough and you will find it. grammatically correct, to what are we coming? ‘The Blue Room’, I am told by a friend, provides the latest thing in Bristolian fine dining, paying I am no advocate of nouveau cuisine, I admit, but homage to the past whilst similarly looking towards surely any reasonable person can see that this really takes the future. Truly they have captured the zeitgeist the Duchy biscuit. How would such a dish taste? Has (note sarcasm). the chef ever tasted goat’s cheese? Accompaniments are not optional! Surely it would taste like the bitter The self-proclaimed unique quality of this but fragrant ashes of a career in tatters, brought low establishment lies in their ‘imaginative re- by incompetent cooking. Bitter, like the blackened interpretation of classic dishes’. Read: monkeying underside of an over cooked blancmange. Perhaps at around with that which ought not to be monkeyed this juncture, dear readers, it may be appropriate to around with. Steak served with vegetable crisps, beef mention that I have not in fact, technically speaking, served in chilli sauce. Heston Blumenthal’s personal set foot in this ‘restaurant’, and have not actually dined approval stamped on their napkins, no doubt. on their ‘cuisine’. I oppose the establishment on moral In any case, their chef’s special, on grounds. As such, it is utterly unnecessary any given day, is for myself, or anyone else of good taste and of sound mind, to actually try this ‘food’. I advise all of you dear readers to restrain yourselves from seeking out this den of culinary iniquity. It is an accursed place, rank with the scent of failure. I hope you can provide better in the future, Bristol. Until next time, bon appétit.
Adam Prufrock
Prima Doner
Jason Donervan: Paying tribute to the
trend of pop-up and street food, this quirky eatery’s makeshift “van” location, coupled with its celeb pun name is making it the name on every hipster’s lips. Jason is keeping it simple with a stripped back menu and nostalgic return to vintage British mainstay of meat and potatoes. But no Michelin standard chef worth his stars makes a name for himself without a trademark twist, and Jason brings this to the simple, rustic fare with his finely honed ‘sousl’huile’ cooking technique. Although at the end of each night, this pop-up restaurant packs up, and drives away into the breaking dawn, its nocturnal crowds mean that this underground scene is a worse kept secret than a Berlin office block party.
Hunger Hatch:A bit off the beaten track (on
the other, more mysterious side of the Triangle), this venerable establishment offers a Pan-Middle Eastern French via Sheffield fusion concept experience. The Tramp (my eating companion) had an amuse bouche of pommes frites aux fromage, whilst Cher opted for their dish de
masion, which she thought was excellent, if a little rubbery. Their house speciality is more a feat of engineering than anything else; a flat bread filled with shaved rotisserie meat was accompanied by a chilli jus and a quenelle of garlic mayonnaise. The rustic hatch décor provided ambience whilst the yellow polystyrene containers in which the food was presented added a touch of whimsy.
Fish Lovers:Closing at 11pm, this bastion of fine
dining is more suited to a night of leisure than one on the tiles.The fishcakes were pillowy soft and bosomy as a Freudian nightmare, with a fungal hint of umami. while chips were thrice cooked and carried the savour of last Sunday nights of school holidays and ennui. This particular establishment also happens to be located in an up-and-coming gourmand haven, and also, next door to my flat. I believe it’s very important to support the local economy. Once the four of us had ordered, the maître d’ threw in a free pickle. However, as a critic, I cannot confirm whether this same treatment would be extended to plebs.
A. A. Grill
UBU NEWS
Issue 9 04.03.2013
ubu.org.uk
2013 Election candidates announced Look After Your Mate campaign highlighted mental health issues Look After Your Mate, a campaign launched and championed by VP Welfare & Equality Alessandra Berti, saw a fantastic fortnight of workshops, activity sessions and speaker events designed to raise awareness of mental health and to get students talking. One of the highlight events was an inspiring talk from internationally renowned boxer, Herol Graham, who spoke of his experience with mental health issues and depression as part of a series of events which aimed to link sport and mental health. UBU teamed up with University of Bristol Film-making Society (UBFS) and interviewed seven Bristol students who shared their experiences of mental health problems to show that mental health problems can affect anyone. Search Look After Your Mate on Youtube.
Alessandra Berti, VP Welfare & Equality, stated that â&#x20AC;&#x153;The importance of Look After Your Mate lies in the fact that mental health problems are increasingly common. 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem at some point in their lives and statistics from the NHS suggest mental health problems are more likely to occur in the student population. Look After Your Mate highlights that we all can play a part in supporting each other surrounding mental health.â&#x20AC;? The Look After Your Mate Party on Friday 1 March rounded off what was a packed and very successful schedule. The campaign was run in collaboration with Student-Run Self-Help, Off the Record, Bristol Drug Project, the Centre for Sport, Exercise and Health (SEH) and the University Counselling Service and the University Student Health Service.
2013 Elections: Key Dates
4 March 9am:
Campaigning starts 11 March 9am:
Voting opens 15 March 1pm:
Voting closes
Meet the candidates inside... 15 March from 7.30pm: UBU News | Issue 8 | 18.02.2013
Results
Elected President
Elected Officer Community
Kelvin Chen
Rob Griffiths
Hugh Loxton
Charlotte Twine
Ellie Williams
Let’s make student life easier. We need a students’ union that appeals to the student body at large. Find out more at votekelvin.weebly.com
I fixed the radio station; now let me fix your Students’ Union.
As VP Community I will tackle rogue landlords, fight for cheaper buses, improve dodgy precinct roads and build better resident relations.
Get entwined: Vote Charlotte Twine for VP Community.
Seek Something Better: Vote Ellie Williams: Improving your home, your transport, your social life at no extra cost to you!
Elected Officer Sport and Health
Scott Darroch
Hannah Pollak
Danielle Simpson
Tabby St Vincent
Vote Scott for a tailored sporting experience under one banner.
Having achieved big wins for Bristol sport this year, Hannah’s re-running to make University sport more accessible for more students.
Excel with Danielle for VP Sport and Health.
For fair and affordable access to sport. Encouraging students to try something new. Pushing bars to stock sanitary items and contraception.
Your Full T ime
Officers
Elected Officer Education
Elected Officer Activities
Amy Collis
Tom Flynn
Farooq Sabri
Imogen Palmer
Tom Sturdy
Be Smart: Vote Amy Collis for VP Education.
The experience to continue changing your experience for the better.
Farooq Sabri - campaigning for transparency in how your fees are spent.
I believe Bristol has a world class range of Activities and my chief aim is to make them more visible and therefore easier to join for all!
A Sturdy Choice.
Elected Officer Welfare & Equality
Alessandra Berti
Julia Bush
Ioana Dumitrescu
Rhian Greaves
Bristol needs Berti: Re-elect Alessandra for Welfare and Equality!
Vote Julia Bush - for a happier, fairer Bristol.
As people we have roots in family, school and society. They all contribute to who we are. Working to improve those means we are also working to improve ourselves.
Together, we can make a difference. Vote Rhian for Welfare.
UBU News | Issue 8 | 18.02.2013
Your Part T ime Officers Chair of Student Council
Disabled Students’ Officer
Esther Moore
Emma Ronayne
Be Heard. VOTE MOORE.
Ethics Officer
Natasha Foote Big love for the little people.
Sahar Hassan I believe university should be a breeding ground for positive change. University education should be beyond getting a degree.
Environment Officer
Megan Jarvis Vote Enviromeg!
Jourdán Patrick Widening Participation Officer
Women’s Officer
Natasha Anna Kendall Ready to represent my fellow females and further our fight for feminism. Vote for Natasha Kendall, the boldest babe in Bristol!
International Students’ Officer
Stessy Juganaikloo Priyanka Nagpal Many Nationalities, One Promise - Empowered Students!
Phuong Tran
Arts I am tenacious, determined and enthusiastic. I believe that the arts are important and I will work to improve our faculty. Vote Florence.
Charlotte Heath Vote Charlotte - raising awareness, campaigning for and representing LGBT+ students!
Nicola Willis I want to make Bristol a better place for LGBT+ students, by trying my best to work with and for the diverse range of people within LGBT+.
We can get what we paid for!
Mature and Part-time Students’ Officer
Black and Minority Ethnic Students’ Officer
Emran Noor
Fatima Akhter Make a wise decision: Vote Fatima the OWL for O-pportunity W-elfare L-iberation for all! Hoot hoot, Akh-tivate the NUS
Emran Noor
Tom Flynn
Marta Skrzypinska
Rob Griffiths
Brace yourself. Marta is coming.
Experience, ideas, passion - it’s a good job you’ve got Rob.
Help me help you project your voice nationally.
Shenn Tan
Inspiring a new generation through innovation.
Matt Graham Vote for a modern Engineering Faculty. Vote for better feedback. Vote for more group space. Vote for communication.
Akshay Sandri Postgraduate Research
A self-proclaimed nerd, and a strong-willed and utterly shameless advocate. Vote Shenn for senate rep if you want a robust voice leading to effective action!
Jan Zeber Our University, our degree, our faculty. Ran effectively through strong representation at the highest level. Looking after things that matter. For us.
Medical & Veterinary Sciences
I’ll listen to you to help make Faculty of Science brilliant for all: lets improve facilities & teaching & encourage further cooperation.
Martha West
Tasmin Steer
Anna Taylor
A strong voice to raise our concerns.
Haf faith in Hafsa: No matter the ethnic background, religion, nationality, Hafsa brings out the BEST in people.
Don’t Forget
We’re the first cohort burdened with £9k fees and we need to voice our experiences at national level. NUS should be relevant to all students.
You’ve got to pick a Peck for NUS Delegate.
Medicine & Dentistry ‘Tayloring’ a better faculty! Vote Anna.
Naomi McKay
Alice Peck
Ross Ashworth STEERing MedVet Sciences in a new direction.
Everybody from all backgrounds has the right to education and a comfortable student life. Will ensure to fight for these rights and voice specific issues faced by the diverse range of students.
Your views effectively represented at National level.
Alex Bradbrook
Mike Limb: The Proactive Voice of Post-Graduates.
Sahar Hassan
Emran Noor
Science
Mike Limb
Hafsa Ameen
Keep going West for NUS delegate!
Ellie Williams Vote for someone who is not afraid to speak out for Bristol students on a national level. Vote Ellie Williams #1 NUS Delegate.
Hustings:
Polling:
Hustings are your chance to get to know your candidates better.
2 fixed polling stations are:
Wednesday 6
Tyndall Avenue 10am-4pm Monday-Thursday 9am-1pm Friday
Elected Officer Sport & Health and Elected Officer Activities Hustings 7-8.30pm, Bar 100
Thursday 7 Elected Officer Education and Senate Rep Hustings 12-2pm, on University precinct
The candidate’s manifestos are available online - ubu.org.uk/elections
Thursday 7
You can vote online at ubu.org.uk/vote from Mon 11 March
Friday 8
UBU News | Issue 8 | 18.02.2013
Change won’t come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. The Senate needs someone who knows our concerns. Emran. Simples!
Ambuj Agrawal
LGBT+ Students’ Officer
Joel Kong
Standing up for our highest standards! Sky’s the limit! :] lilit.movsisyan.2012@my.bristol. ac.uk
Vote Alice #1 for Women’s Officer to tackle rape culture, fight sexual harassment and promote the work of women academics. Together, We Can Do It! Vote Sarauniya for true representation: committed Student Council involvement, working with officers to ensure all female voices are heard.
(5 positions)
Lilit Movsisyan
Engineering
Sarauniya Shehu
NUS Delegates
Social Sciences & Law
Florence Hunter
Alice Phillips
Naomi McKay Widening participation means I can (almost) afford to exercise my right to a university education. What does it mean to you?
Senate Reps
Elected Officer Welfare & Equality and Part-time Officer Hustings 7-8.30pm, LT1 Arts Complex President, Elected Officer Education, Elected Officer Community and NUS Delegates 7-9pm, Bar 100
UBU Info Point,
Welcome Point, Students’ Union, Foyer The Richmond Building Queens Road 9-8pm Monday-Thursday 9am-1pm Friday
There will be roving polling stations around University campus.
* weekly event Monday 4 UBU Trustee Board Meeting • (find out more at ubu.org.uk/about) Elections Campaigning Starts • (ubu.org.uk/elections) Eating Disorders Support Group • 6:30pm, Just Ask Centre, 4th Floor UBU 2-4-1 Iced Tea Cocktails • from 7pm, BAR 100 (Two cocktail teapots for £8)
*
March
Tuesday 5 CRB Session • 3-5pm, UBU Info Point (details at ubu.org.uk/volunteering)
Your What’s On Guide 2013
*
Bristol Drugs Project Info Session • 6-8pm, Just Ask Centre (4th Floor, UBU)
*
RAG Quiz Night • from 8pm, BAR 100 (£1 for a great cause & with great prizes)
*
Django’s: Jazz Funk Soul Jam Session • 8pm, The Big Chill (facebook.com/JFSBristol)
*
Wednesday 6 Faith Crawl • 1:30pm, around Bristol (book with multifath-chaplaincy@bristol.ac.uk) BUCS Sport • Coombe Dingle (ubu.org.uk/activities/sports/BUCS)
*
UBU Active: TRI-Running • 2-3pm, UBU foyer (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive) UBU Active: Rounders • 2-4pm, UBU foyer (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive)
*
*
Fever Feeder • from 6pm, BAR 100 (£1.50 for Carlsburg, Gaymers or Vodka mixer)
*
Elected Officer Sport & Health and Elected Officer Activities Hustings • 7-8.30pm, Bar 100 Sports Night • 10pm-3am, Dorma (contact ubu-sport@bristol.ac.uk with any questions)
*
Thursday 7 Student Parents Coffee Morning • 9:30-11am, Multifaith Chaplaincy
*
Elected Officer Education and Senate Rep Hustings • 12-2pm, Old Council Chamber, Wills Memorial Building Live DJ • from 8pm, BAR 100 (+ great drinks deals)
*
Monday 18
Elected Officer Welfare & Equality and Part-time Officer Hustings • 7-8.30pm, LT1 Arts Complex
Varsity: Football • 6pm, the Memorial Stadium (£5 tickets on sale soon) Eating Disorders Support Group • 6:30pm, Just Ask Centre, 4th Floor UBU
Friday 8
Tuesday 19
International Women’s Day • (find out more at ubu.org.uk) CRB Session • 10am-1pm, Do It! Hub, 4th Floor UBU (details at ubu.org.uk/volunteering) UBU Active: Basketball • 5pm, Indoor Sports Centre (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive)
*
*
Elected President, Elected Officer Education, Elected Officer Community and NUS Delegates • 7-9pm, Bar 100
Student Council • 6-8pm (ubu.org.uk/studentcouncil) UBU & Playhouse Present: Spring Party • 9pm-3am, O2 Academy (ubu.org.uk/ents/event/903) Wednesday 20 Varsity Day • Coombe Dingle (ubu.org.uk/activities/sports/varsity)
Saturday 9 UBU Active: Rock Climbing • 3:30-5pm, St Werburgh’s Church (booking required) UBU Active: Dodgeball • 1-2pm, Cotham School (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive) UBU Active: Touch Rugby • 1-3pm, The Downs (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive)
Tickets for Summer Ball go on sale online, for one day only • (ubu/org.uk/summerball)
*
*
Karaoke night • from 8pm, BAR 100 (free drink for first singer + prize for best)
Friday 22
*
Demolition Disco • 8pm-2am, UBU (£2 tickets at ubu.org.uk/ents/event/904) END OF TERM
Sunday 10 UBU Active:Volleyball • 5-6:30pm, Indoor Sports Centre (ubu.org.uk/ubuactive)
Thursday 21
*
LiveSoc Gig Night • 7:45pm, BAR 100 (facebook.com/groups/livesoc) Monday 11 Elections Voting Opens 9am • (ubu.org.uk/vote) Wednesday 13 READ International Donation Day • 12-6pm (contact ubu-volunteering@bristol.ac.uk) Volunteering Induction • 2-4pm (book online at bit.ly/UBUtraining)
21 MARCH SUMMBER BALL TICKETS ON SALE - ONE DAY ONLY
Friday 15 Elections Voting Closes • 1pm (ubu.org.uk/vote)
ubu.org.uk/summerball
Election Results Party • (ubu.org.uk/elections) Saturday 16 The Arts Ball: The Roaring Twenties • 7:30pm, Bristol Museum (ubu.org.uk/ents/event/862)
If you have any events that you would like included in The LIST or our online calendar at ubu.org.uk/events, please email lauren.mcguffog@bristol.ac.uk
4
UBU News | Issue 8 | 18.02.2013
Editor: Lizi Woolgar style@ epigram.org.uk
@e2Style
Style Style
Living Living
Best in their shows Move over Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell! There’s a new squad of superstars taking over the catwalks and these rising stars are definitely the best in their shows. But who are these queens who taking the fashion industry by storm? Why, Karlie Kloss, Joan Smalls and Jourdan Dunn of course. Even their names are punchy: Kloss, Smalls, Dunn! And get this: Dunn and Kloss are besties too. Luckily, you don’t need your own supermodel best friend to get to know a bit about these three lovely ladies. Modelling wasn’t always a smooth journey for Karlie Kloss. The St. Louis beauty came from humble roots when she was scouted aged 14 doing a charity fashion show all the way back in 2006. Kloss was then off to a rocky start when she was caught in the middle of a legal dispute when she changed agencies in 2008, and her first agency Elite NY tried to sue NEXT Model Management for ‘stealing its rising star’. Seven years on, however, and 20 year old Kloss has firmly established herself in the modelling world, and currently ranks number 2 in the world out of the 50 most popular models, as stated by Models. com. Kloss has even been described as one of the only girls who can make Anna Wintour smile. Who wouldn’t love a girl who can do that? Already in 2013, Kloss has faced campaigns for Lacoste, Lavin, Donna Karan, and Victoria’s Secret, proving that she is one of the most versatile models
of the last decade. Alongside Kloss on the catwalks is the model who has been described as ‘the defining face of modern luxury’ - the one and only Joan Smalls. Puerto Rican Smalls is currently no. 1 in the modelling world and has captivated the likes of Estee Lauder, Versace and Gucci with her effortless elegance on and off the runway. Not only can you catch her most recently on the catwalks of London Fashion Week but if you want to see Smalls and Kloss together in action then tune into MTV’s fashion series ‘House of Style’, where the two beauties host the best bits from all the latest fashion shenanigans. The trio is completed with our very own 22 year old Jourdan Dunn who is keeping it real for the Brits. With her seemingly endless legs and fierce catwalk
Taking doggy style to a whole new level
Do it like a...dog?
Sure, they might be judged on looks in the canine world during doggy shows. But, on closer inspection, it seems the fashion world might have taken a leaf or two out of their, er… dog baskets. Read on for a few examples of doggy-spiration in the world of fashion.
Travel
style Dunn is not your average fashion model, also juggling single motherhood. This had not held Dunn back (indeed why should it) and as well as being named ‘Model of the Year’ she closed the 2012 London Olympic ceremony alongside Naomi Campbell, and Kate Moss, cementing her supermodel status. What’s more, you can’t help but just like Dunn and her charisma. In one television interview when asked if she sings, she giggles to the camera and exclaims ‘hell no!’, but then said if she couldn’t model, she would be ‘up there on the stage with Beyonce!’. She goes on to enthusiastically recall an incident where she tripped over a coke can in front of her celebrity crush, male supermodel Tyson Beckford. We’ve all been there. The only questions that remains is who else will join this roster of stars in 2013? Emma-Jane Somper
Swap your way to the best wardrobe in Bristol style.com
style.com
Deputy: Alice Johnston deputystyle@ epigram.org.uk
The roaring twenties, Hungover? known primarily for the You need a hair flapper girls and Chanel’s LBD of the poodle. Oh no design in 1926, also gave rise to the wait, that’s not right is it? Of phenomenon of modern-day greyhound COURSE NOT! No-one in their right racing. And with that, a curious fashion mind should ever request the hair of muse arose in the form of our furry-eareda poodle. But in the eighties, it was all friends. It’s true, it was the decade that the rage. Think curly Kylie, Sarah Jessica witnessed women smoking furiously to Parker and Jennifer Grey, dirty-dancing echo the streamline shape of the ideal the night away. Although most celebs pet: a greyhound. These bright, young, managed to grow out of the tragic skinny things swayed seductively phase as the decades passed, poor to jazz, showing off their slim old David Hasselhoff just figures in the classic ‘Chanel can’t seem to let his Leather, Silhouette’. go. studs and spikes, the survival pack for a true punk. Pioneered by punk princess Viv. Westwood, the seventies saw punk-rockers imitating Rottweilerstyle collars. With a little less of the aggression, dog collars were revamped last year into the huge ‘choker’ trend. Derek Lam offered a simple silver chain choker, Manish Arora displayed a gothic-inspired tiger design and Givenchy went for thick leather chokers, nodding back to the good old decade of Flickr: Lake rebellion. Flickr: Wentworth Lizi Woolgar Vicky TH
Interested in updating your wardrobe but living off a shoe string budget? The UOB Clothes Swap has the perfect solution. On Friday 15th March at 1:30 the UOB Clothes Swap will be giving Geographical Sciences (University Road – en route from Browns to Woodland Road) a makeover, turning one of their rooms into a (budget) shopper’s paradise. Donate three or more items to the Clothes Swap and you will be able to take away three, free of charge! The aim of the event is so promote a sustainable approach to fashion, so any clothes not worn will be donated to charities. This year UOB Clothes Swap have been supporting Labour Behind the Label, a charity who work to support the rights of garment workers worldwide, and the Clothes Line who aim to provide young homeless people in Bristol with smart clothes to wear for job or college interviews.
If you would like to donate to the UOB Clothes Swap collections will be happening on Thursdays on Tyndall Avenue between 12 and 2 pm, and on Fridays between 12 and 2pm at the Fairtrade cafe. Men and women’s clothes will be warmly welcomed. Gems discovered at last term’s Stoke Bishop event included a beautiful, barely worn burgundy and fur trimmed Topshop coat, so it is definitely worth having a rummage. To find out more information email clothesswapbristol@gmail.com, or check out the twitter @UoBClothesSwap. You can also find us on Facebook under UoB Clothes Swap. Ruth Khaw
04.03.13
Fashion takes first place in the flower show
Florals are reassuring. They are always there. Spring, of course, is practically synonymous with fresh new blooms but it turns out that the fashion world is also a huge supporter of winter florals. Although seemingly an oxymoron, the results are pretty gorgeous. Instead of the endless pastel creations shimmying down the runway you get the rich, jewel tones of autumn, combined with the effortlessly girlish charm of flowers. For those amongst us less comfortable in broadcasting their feminine side they provide a perfect opportunity to embrace something pretty yet strong, simultaneously. Toughened up with black lace, simplistic cuts and pared down accessories, they give an edge to something normally delicate. The range available is growing ever-more extensive due to the Oriental influence which many designers have been drawing upon; subtle and striking, but with charm, these are for those who are maybe a bit daunted or overwhelmed by full-on floral prints. Best of all for the student budget, they’re versatile. Team with tights, thick knits and boots for winter and then wear with bare legs in summer – one piece for all year round!
As London Fashion Week comes around once more, the fashion conscious amongst us are expected to look ahead and start planning our wardrobes for months in the future, something that feels ridiculous when it’s still necessary to accessorise ‘practically’ (eugh) for that unexpected snow shower. Nevertheless, shopping for spring can be a source of cheer in this never-ending drizzle. As reluctant as I am to impart the new season’s trends before most of the designers have showcased their collections there is one trend that I can assure you will feature: florals. I don’t need to see photos from the front row, I know they will be there. To quote Miranda Priestley from The Devil Wears Prada: ‘Florals for spring? Groundbreaking.’
For those of you who appreciate the cheerful colours and pretty full skirts typically associated with spring, fear not! Embracing colour, Holly Fulton and Prada have already jumped ahead in the floral stakes, with large pastel flowers emblazoned on all forms of clothing. Always good to show off that summer tan – or distract from that awful burn that inevitably precedes it - pastel prints are springing up (pardon the pun!) all over the place and make for a very pretty picture. Keep it simple with a two-toned print or floral separate if you’re new to the trend, or jump right in and wear flowers head to toe. Simply put, florals are a student’s best friend – one pattern, four seasons, always on trend. Buy today and wear tomorrow, next month, and next year. Who knew being so stylish could be so budget friendly? Maddy Streets
Background and leaves by Kevin Dooley. All model photos from style.com. All floral prints from liberty. co.uk.
@e2Style
Editor: Lizi Woolgar style@ epigram.org.uk
Deputy: Alice Johnston deputystyle@ epigram.org.uk
So, you saw the show. You gawped at the halfnaked models. You swore youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d finally start that belly dancing class next friday. But the effortless display of the catwalks and choreography didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t come easy. Months of hard work went on behind the scenes in preparation, complete with an incredibly manic few evenings during showtime. Issy Croker was backstage for the main event snapping shots of the model mayhem that was FUZE 2013.
Travel
Style
Living
FUZE: Behind the Scenes
Photography: Issy Croker
04.03.13 eau Katy Papin Sketches:
Fashion’s top five #FAILS A general rule of thumb: the fashion industry, along with George Michael and Britain’s MPs, can always be counted on to provide us with a hilarious PR mishap in slow news weeks. Read on for our top five.
5. Models falling over Thin, young and gorgeous they may be, but supermodels are humans just like you and me. Don’t believe it? Allow me to direct you to YouTube. Resist the urge, hard as it may be, to fall back on your favourite video of a cat diving into a box and cast your eyes instead upon the many, many videos of catwalk falls. It’s like watching Bambi on ice –if Bambi was wearing a pair of natty designer heels. Feeling glum after a long day of lectures? Laugh away your troubles with someone else’s pain and humiliation.
4. Lindsay Lohan in her entirety One might ask oneself what went through Lindsay Lohan’s parents’ minds when they agreed to let their three-year-old daughter start modelling. Probably, something like this: ‘A small child + commercial interests: what could possibly go wrong?’ Well, they learnt the hard way. After a promising start, things went a bit pear-shaped for America’s sweetheart in 2007, after repeat drink-driving offences. In 2011, she was charged for stealing a necklace from a jeweller, for which she’s still on probation. But dry your eyes, Lindsay fans: she made a comeback with some questionable plastic surgery and Liz & Dick, a television adaptation of the affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, described by the Hollywood Reporter as ‘an instant classic of unintentional hilarity’. Ouch.
3. Mary-Kate/Ashley getting with Nicolas Sarkozy’s brother On closer inspection – man, twins are confusing – it turns it out it’s MK who’s pashing Oliver Sarkozy. Weird huh! Seems only yesterday she was larking about on Nickelodeon/founding a successful fashion line, and now she’s shagging the slightly weird looking banker brother of the former President of the Republic himself. Get off Pinterest, you time-waster, and instead put your ASS-dwelling hours to good use: judging other people’s unlikely relationships. It’s the new black.
2. Italian Vogue’s ‘slave earrings’ Now, I know Vogue Italia is sort of a big deal. It published a pretty unabashed fashion shoot inspired by the torture photographs taken in Abu Ghraib prison, because it’s totally cutting-edge. Political statement? Callous glamorisation of abuse? Who cares –just look at that model’s cheekbones! The publication continued to plumb the depths of poor taste in 2011 with a web feature on ‘slave earrings […] worn by women of colour, during the slave trade’. I mean, who doesn’t look good with symbols of colonial domination hanging from their ears? Freed from the troublesome shackles of political correctness the magazine may be, but this time it realised its mistake, blaming the faux pas on ‘a really bad translation’. Whoops!
1. Model Cara Delevingne’s thigh gap Twitter account Cara Delevingne is, like, so skinny! Can you believe it? I’m so in awe, I might create a 21st-century shrine in the form of a Twitter account. It is obvious to anyone who isn’t a total moron that I’m being ironic here, but some weird fan with too much time on her hands wasn’t. @carasthighgap, I salute you, for casting aside good taste in favour of a nobler path: finding one of the more bizarre ways of fetishing a young woman’s body. But don’t worry folks, Cara’s on board too. In an interview with Grazia, she said they were just ‘sweet fans’ who’d ‘found a whole family in [her] body parts’. Yeah! Those orphaned children should just stop whining already. Who needs a mum and dad when you’ve got an absence of flesh to fill that gaping hole? Alicia Quiero
Sketch: B ecky Blac k
A/W Menswear: Behind the seams
With London Fashion Week having only just concluded, this time of the year is thrilling for those with even a modicum of interest in women’s fashion. Everything from catwalk reports to street style shots are being splattered all over the internet and magazines as we speak, ready for consumption by a trend-hungry public. However, it was earlier on this year that London held its own devoted menswear week – imaginatively titled ‘London Collections: Men’ – and, bearing in mind that the Bristol weather remains dauntingly frigid, it seems fitting to turn our attention to jackets, coverings, and all things warming. Britain, particularly London, has a hugely strong heritage of tailored menswear, but also a reputation for the iconoclastic and the edgy. Fortunately, both were well represented in January. On the more classic end of the spectrum brands such as Lou Dalton and Hentsch Man showed updated takes on the double breasted jacket and coat. A far cry from Armani’s boxy, padded power suits of the eighties, the double breasted garments that have seen a resurgence in popularity in the last few years are a rather more fitted, unstructured affair. In other words, they’re less corporate and more relaxed. If the double breasted blazer seems a little much – understandable, even in its modernised format – then the trend, if it can be called such, can also be channelled through quieter pieces. Indeed the amount of pea coats you see on a daily basis speaks of the versatility of the cut. If, like many, you have jumped on the naval/pea coat bandwagon then waste no time in
acquiring a slightly more offbeat piece of insulation, such as the flecked wool bomber jackets or work wear inspired blazers typical of Oliver Spencer. There’s plenty of cold left in the British winter yet to make sure your investment doesn’t go to waste. Conveniently this talk of military inspired coats leads on nicely to another trend that was present not just in London, but also in New York, Paris and on the backs of well clad editors and bloggers. The belt. Not merely a device for holding up trousers, it was found on belted jackets, rainwear, coats and even cardigans everywhere in past few weeks. If the sound of looking like you just walked out of Boardwalk Empire in a belted wool camel-coat is a little daunting and you’re not as foolhardy as me in accepting this vibe, then fear not. In reality, it’s merely an innocuous detail that can add a great deal of interest and shape to an outfit. This spring/summer high street brand Reiss has a smorgasbord of buckled rainwear that could easily be incorporated into a low key look should you wish to inject an shot of Great Gatsby elegance into your life, and with Baz Luhrmann’s sexed up film version out later this year, who wouldn’t? Ultimately, you don’t have to throw together all these trends or indeed any of them. The most important thing to remember is that a good coat is an investment piece, so don’t be lured in by the false economy of cheaply made, flimsy outerwear. Oh, shawls and capes were also popular, though I fear the peculiar looks you would have to endure may render this trend best ignored… Benji Walters
Oliver Spencer A/W 2013
Lou Dalton A/W 2013
Armani A/W 2013
Editor: Alicia Queiro travel@ epigram.org.uk
@e2Travel
Deputy: Alex Bradbrook deputytravel@ epigram.org.uk
Top Trip Tips Couples: Upper-crust: Wells
Imogen ‘go Hvard or go home’ Carter
Languishing in the library? Dissertation D-day looming? Haven’t shaved in too long? Never fear, Travel’s here.
Do you buy the Sunday Telegraph while all your housemates languish on The Tab? Do you prefer the bucolic greenery of old England to the vomited-soaked beaches of Ayia Napa? Do you secretly wish you could confess to being a dye-in-the-wool Tory but fear the social backlash from all your sappy liberal friends? Well, despair no longer! Visit Wells – only an hour by bus from Bristol – and escape to a place where the Sunday Telegraph is all the rage, socialists are unheard of, and the only talk of Cyprus are dark mutterings about its debt crisis. One of the best-preserved medieval towns in England, Wells is the perfect base for a cheap holiday with friends or a romantic post-exam getaway. Explore the narrow cobbled alleyways snaking round the spectacular Gothic cathedral, before settling down to a generous cup of tea and a homemade slice of treacle tart at Crofters Tea Rooms. Take the bus fifteen minutes down the road and sleep in one of Glastonbury’s many hostels before waking early and discovering the stereotypically English landscape of gently rolling hills and friendly country pubs of rural Somerset. You’ll almost forget The Tab exists.
Flickr: nessguide
Andrea Valentino
We’ve compiled some summer holiday ideas with a twist because that holiday just won’t plan itself...
Amsterdam
Couples everywhere, stop looking for your next jet-set destination: Amsterdam will have you at hallo. Any old pair could go to Paris and kiss under the Eiffel tower. It takes a really secure couple to celebrate their love in the Dam. Replace coffee(ish) shops with empty museums and tandem cycles by the canal and you’ll be the envy of all your sad single friends. At night, why not take a stroll through the red light district? If you ladies are concerned about your fella’s wandering eyes in an area displaying Amsterdam’s illustrious sex workers in large shop windows, make sure to point out the exquisite architecture of the buildings, which happen to be some of the oldest in Amsterdam! Ask any passing sex tourist for precise directions to the 800 year old ‘Old Church’ nestled between the neon-lit peep shows: rest assured, you’ll be back for the wedding!
Ciara McCarthy
Flickr: kroszk@
Travel
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The last Hvar
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The final report from our secret agent, exploring all of the delights Amsterdam has to offer: Part Three I was greeted by the others in the hostel café at no less than two thirty in the afternoon. Unbelievable. And on the last day as well. This morning was their only remaining opportunity to actually do something in Amsterdam that didn’t involve (surprisingly expensive) premium lager or lounging around in cafés, getting more illiterate and unresponsive by the minute. They had all just farted away the morning in that peculiar state of semi-slumber that only occurs in hostel dorms, whilst I had visited the Walter Suskind, which my guide book described as ‘probably one of the top three drawbridges in the whole city’. And to think they had stayed in bed!
“We chatted with a camaraderie that wouldn’t have look untoward amongst members of a boy band.” The evening drew in and we headed to a cute family-owned place I had been recommended by some locals for our final dinner. I thought it might be pleasant to mark the occasion by going to an
actual restaurant, with table service and everything, rather than having to choose my meal according to which laminatedmenu picture looked least likely to poison me, which was unfortunately custom by this stage of the trip. The meal passed with flowing wine and food that deserved a picture menu; we would have been pleasantly unsurprised by its appearance at least. The four of us chatted and swapped tales with the kind of camaraderie that wouldn’t have looked untoward amongst fellow soldiers or the members of a boy band. As the meal ended, our spirits were high, and when CJ suggested heading to some famous bar called ‘Redlight’ or something, the thought of another half of shandy or two was too much to resist. I remember being struck by the outside appearance of the bar; there were scantily clad women dancing in the windows, beckoning for us to come in. My word, they looked friendly – no wonder we obliged! And the inside certainly delivered what the veneer had promised: there were women everywhere, and they all seemed especially keen to see us! It was extremely rare for so many women to talk to me with such an overt interest, but I suppose the old Dutch courage (no pun intended) should never be underestimated. Judging by how I’d managed to befriend my travel partners, I think it’s safe to say that over the course of the trip my social skills had been honed to the point where I must have been exuding
a certain joie de vivre, a rugged traveller’s carefree sex appeal, which these lovely ladies had obviously cottoned on to. So here I am, propping up the bar, and sipping what in all honesty is probably my third or fourth lager top. I can’t help but think about how cunning I’ve been to fool these guys. It’s the last night, and we’re getting on famously. The sour taste that had been left by the mushroom incident a few days earlier is being entirely replaced by a new flavour: one of immense satisfaction at having managed to achieve my goal. Not only had I infiltrated this tight-knit band of idiots seamlessly, but I had managed to befriend them too. From each of them I got
the overwhelmingly clear impression that I had become a friend, a confidante, and an indispensable travel guide. Of course they’re entirely unaware of their occupation as mere pawns in my game; little do they know that I’m using them for what should be an exceptionally interesting social commentary piece. How pathetically easy it had all been. And what’s this? One of the nice ladies at the bar whispers in my ear that she wants to take me somewhere private? Ha! This is the bloody life. Not only have I done my journalistic duty but I’m about to get laid for it too! Thanks a bunch Amsterdam, it’s been a real pleasure.
Anonymous
The highs, the lows and the unexpected: life on a year abroad
Sophie Padgett writes about the moments of her time away that she’s unlikely to forget in a hurry
Private tours of the city Being driven round an unfamiliar city in a white Jeep – very much on its last legs – by a Portuguese landlord very keen to rent you a property is a wonderf ul way to explore your new home. Yes, he may be paying very little attention to the on coming traffic whilst trying to flash you his winning salesman smile, and yes, you ma y not have an actual working seatbelt. But can you really put a price on gaining that kin d of local insight?
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e weekend up spending th When you end ish flatmate in an outwith your Span outside of ping park just of-season cam tend to make you reflect does Barcelona, it of life. Having ictable nature ed pr un on the of the city, we e is ed of the no tir n ow y) quiet gr th bo and had a (ver ng es tg Si to s bu pty campi took the practically em d its own weekend in a t have merite the most park. It may no of e on s m, but it’ ve of my ha Facebook albu ill emories I w m nd fo d an bizarre year abroad.
Every year, Bristol University ships off students abroad to survive on their own in the big wide world. So far it has been a year of seesawing between extreme highs and stressful lows. You find yourself in situations you could never have envisaged, might never have otherwise willing got yourself into, and will probably never want to or be able to repeat again. It’s a memorable year whatever you do – here is a rundown of some of my personal noteworthy moments…
State of the art facilities Being a student, and so accustomed to lessthan-brilliantly maintained accommodation, even I draw the line at having to stick my head in an oven to light it. I have had plug sockets spark at me and fuses that blow every five minutes if move than three people have their laptops plugged in at the same time. My newest kitchen has only a microwave which my landlord insists is a ‘cooker’ and to flush the toilet you have to pour a big bucket of water down it… we are told the plumber is due to arrive any day now.
en Seeing the ‘off the beat city track’ part of your host moving to a flat While some may view er to a red light sw an located in Lisbon’s they’ll be forgetting district as a bad thing, nity it provides to rtu po the wonderful op il. Who wants pretty step off that tourist tra streets when you e saf d surroundings an a derelict house could be living opposite dogs squatting five his with a man and ing opportunities in it? Oh the eye-open you wonder round as nd that are to be fou ned with suitcases Lisbon, lost and burde racters wonder if cha le ma while unsavoury area to begin a new you have moved to the career!
Contributing to S panish documentaries
‘Yes, of course yo u can film this!’ Af ter a little too much lu nchtime wine on e finds that they fe el perfectly capable often of being interviewed for a Spanish documen tary about the genera l public’s view on street music in Barcelo na…oh I’m sure I provided , just me? While a very insightfu grammatically co rrect and knowled l, geable answer, I’m not to o sure if my sect ion will make the final cu t.
Editor: Alicia Queiro travel@ epigram.org.uk
@e2Travel
I often get the feeling that Madrid, despite being the capital of Spain, is cast into the shadows by the flamenco-fuelled passion of Seville, and the Catalonian spirit and Gaudí masterpieces of Barcelona. To me, however, Madrid deserves much more than a glancing look, though if you do only have one day here, there’s a lot to choose from!
“Nothing is as satisfying as dipping churros into a steaming cup of impossibly thick hot chocolate” If it’s a Sunday, spend your morning strolling the streets of La Latina, taking in the antiques and treasures of El Rastro, the largest flea market in Europe. Whilst airline restrictions made buying weathered trunks difficult and the just-from-the-abattoir smell put me off a lot of the leather, I did come away with a rather fetching flamenco-style pinny. In language school the morning after my friend had lost her phone on the Metro, our teacher told her, somewhat seriously, to scan the stalls of the market that Sunday. I’m not entirely convinced he was joking… Don’t miss the Plaza Mayor for a cheeky lunchtime Sangria, before moving on to el Parque del Retiro.
Buy a picnic from la Casa del Jamón, take a book and pass the hours lounging in the vast grounds of the park, working up your energy to rent a paddleboat and row around the lake that lies at the centre of the gardens. I was lucky enough to be in Madrid for la noche en blanco, a night where the Gran Vía–Madrid’s equivalent of London’s Oxford Street – shuts down for the evening and revellers line the streets, popping in and out of museums, theatres and galleries, which, for one night only, are completely free of charge. The night (read: morning) draws to a close at Plaza de Cibeles, where DJs play and Spaniards and tourists mingle and come together in one long conga line. The event happens just once a year, but I couldn’t recommend it enough. If you happen to be in Madrid on one of the 364 other days of the year however, why not head to Estadio Santiago Bernabéu, the home of Real Madrid? Alternatively, make like we did and watch their neighbours Atlético Madrid (student budget…) at Estadio Vicente Calderón. Donning our Southampton shirts – close enough to the red and white stripes of Altetico – we cheered, booed and screamed from the impossibly high stands.
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As night draws in, why not partake in the favourite of all student activities: a massive night out. Madrid is the home of the legendary nightclub, the Teatro Kapital, a place where you can dance the night away on one of seven, yes, seven (!), floors. Finish the evening at Chocolatería San Ginés: now, whilst I love Donervan’s and could eat an M&M pizza at any time of the day (let alone after a night in Lounge), scoffing cheesy chips on a walk home is nothing like as satisfying as dipping delicious churros into a steaming cup of impossibly thick hot chocolate at this worldrenowned chocolatier.
When in Rome... You couldn’t hide from tourist Rome if you tried. The city is stuffed with ancient history, religious marvels and sprawling piazzas all within walking distance of each other, even with a belly engorged on pasta and gelati. Clearly appreciative of the cultural significance upon which they’ve grown and lived amongst, the locals are content to grin and bear the tourists. They won’t need an excuse to shake a fist from a Vespa, but their acceptance comes in the knowledge that their ‘Roma’ is an arcane city, only truly known to those who live there.
Whilst one day in Madrid is really not enough, these 24 hours should give you a delicious taste of what this amazing city can provide.
Emma Brown
Emma Brown
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A day in ... Madrid
! e r e h e r e w Wish you 2, Dear e
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re? a h s o t p a n s Got a holiday Send it to travel@epigram.org.uk
It is this mysteriousness that is most prevalent once your interest in the city extends beyond its most obvious attractions. Everything is done a certain way: the Roman way. This is true whether you’re boarding a tram or snubbing hawkers. Perhaps my most embarrassing and troublesome moments were my first few encounters ordering coffee. I wasn’t naïve enough to think it would be similar to ordering in your local corporation, but I certainly was naïve enough to think it might give me some inclination as to how to behave myself. The bar scrummage is only the start, as fighting to get your order in proves difficult when the barista’s ears are only responsive to caffé patois. The rules are made to be followed and it’s their breaking that can bring about the strongest looks of condescension, ire and pity imaginable. Ask for a latte, you’ll get a glass of milk. Always specify your receptacle; glass or china? A cappuccino in the afternoon, to Italians, is like eating porridge for dinner. Any Roman could go on and on listing what are considered truisms to locals, giving no explanation as to the origin of even the most random etiquette. How to eat in Rome is also a tricky puzzle to crack but, like any jigsaw, satisfying once solved. I couldn’t have warmed quicker to the aperitivo culture. From 7pm till 10pm bars are packed with customers enjoying a drink but also being plied with delicious Italian snacks, often free of charge. This liberal donation of food also occurs around pudding time in the most Italian restaurants, as platters of chocolate, biscotti and enormous cakes circulate the room, shared by everyone yet omitted from all bills. Rome’s layers seem to number that of an unfathomably large tiramisù. Jaw dropping history, art and architecture sit above endearing traditions and local rituals, all founded upon the pedigree of being a Roman. Yum. Charlie Atkin Foreign Correspondent in Italy
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UNIVERSITY OF BRISTOL OFFICIAL
IN ASSOCIATION WITH BUNKER
14TH JUNE BUNKER 10PM - LATE!
+ JAMBO TICKETS £6 IN ADV. MOTD
OR FREE IF YOU PURCHASE A GRADUATION DINNER TICKET AVAILABLE FROM UBU.ORG.UK, TYNDALL AVE INFO POINT AND AT THE UNION
SUMMER BALL 2013 13 June 2013 Tickets on sale Thursday 21 March for one day only
Unique location - Circus theme Two stages, huge headline acts, Cirque du Soleil trained aerial artists, walkabout entertainers and fire breathers, specially designed sound and lighting, spectacular fireworks, massive big tops, fairgrounds and free transport to and from the site.
www.ubu.org.uk/summerball /bristolsummerball
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