Hopezine #4 / Winter 2020

Rays of light amid the darkness

There’s something wonderfully magical about the wintertime, Covid or not. As we turn inwards this year the lights can stay on in our homes. Fires will be lit, fairy lights strewn outside, candles with flicker and glow, and people will continue to go about their daily lives. In this special winter 2020 edition of Hopezine, there’s a spiritual theme, notably in the cover art by Bristol artist George J Harding. See if you can decode the hidden messages in his work. We’ve focussed on what can be done by turning on, tuning in and copping out. Leading devotees from the Krishna Eco Farm in Scotland take turns to examine spiritual lives without material trappings (pages 4 and 12).

I’ve written my own meditations on how lockdown has made hermits of all of us (page 14). All this, and some overthe-counter culture from writer Nutan Modha to whet your appetite for the season’s gold, frankincense and myrrh (page 8).

I hope you enjoy this larger edition of Hopezine – to give hope and comfort to all those feeling low. Enjoy!

Page 3

Gardener Bhakti Vinode explains how gardening and Krishna consciousness have paved the way to recovery and a better life

Page 5

Dating website host Jim Leftwich argues that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger in his article titled ‘Storms make us stronger’

Page 7

Scriptwriter Nutan Modha takes her friend Rockyie on a shopping experience that’s out of this world

Page 9

GC writes about the passing of time when all hope seems lost and it can be found in the most turbulent, bereft of times.

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One-time-monk Stevie Saranga dons his best orange literary robes to discuss how he’s found peace with himself in a struggling world

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Erica Crompton examines lockdown and wonders if it has evened the playing field for people with severe mental illness

Everyone is looking for Love.

by Bhakti Vinode

My story begins in London when I was 20 years old. Myself, and my new friend Glen were walking around the West end of London. We spent all of our money and Glen suggested we go to the Hare Krishna temple for a meal. I said no but he convinced me to go. There were many young people from all around the world there and they gave us a very nice meal. We were living in a squat at the time and drinking a lot. The Krishna devotees asked me if I wanted to go to stay on a farm/ retreat that George Harrison had donated to them. So I went and stayed for a month. It was very peaceful with nice music and food.

After I left the farm community I went back to the squat and the West end of London and ended up in Brixton prison due to drinking and drugs. Most of my lifestyle wasn’t good for my mental health around that time. When I was 25 I went back to my parent’s house in Scotland but I became a bit depressed due to unemployment and the drinking environment I was in. I was also trying to stay away from friends that I considered trouble.

Then both my parents died within a month of each other, they were both 52 years old. I was devastated and ended up back in London, sleeping on the streets for over a year. I was completely lost and bewildered and depressed and ended up in jail again. While in jail I thought I don’t want to get

in any more trouble, so when I got out of jail I went to Edinburgh and got a job in a garden centre. I stayed in that job for year and visited the Krishna temple at weekends. Then I was asked if I wanted to move in to the temple so I did and lived in the temple as a monk for 3 years. Then

I decided to move out and sell Krishna books on the street to make a living for the 6 years after I left the temple. The Krishna lifestyle is very good, very disciplined. So that way it was very good for me, and though I was struggling with my mental health problems during my time with the Krishna devotees, I also found a horticultural therapy gardening project, run by the Scottish Association for mental health.

I trained there for 3 years, it was 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. The staff were very supportive and friendly and treated me as an individual person, accepting me and my Krishna lifestyle. I made friends with lots of the trainees as well.

After 3 years working there myself and Jan the manageress of the gardening project went to the doctors and I asked the doctor if I could go and do the garden at the Krishna temple under Jan’s supervision and the doctor agreed.

I wasn’t using any drugs, I was just using the garden as a therapy. I did speak to a physiatrist while I was at the horticultural therapy project, he recommended I stop drinking and I told him the Krishna meditation and life style helped me a lot,

he said don’t give it up then. So I then started the garden at the Krishna temple here in Scotland. It went very well, I was working with a lot of nice volunteers and making friends with local people. My friend in a rock band then taught me how to do a nice meditation. The meditation was about caring for people I had hurt in the past, and that helped me a lot because I did some things in the past that I regretted very much. The therapy with John my musician friend was a life changing experience. I felt peaceful after doing the meditation with John and felt a heavy burden had been lifted from me. After that I continued to do the garden at the temple got married and now feel happy and satisfied in life. My new motto is do what it takes to help yourself…

If believing in God helps you fine, if music helps you fine, if gardening helps you fine, my experience is friendships are very important and my motto in life is a little bit of love makes up for a lot, we all have love in our hearts, and all we need is love so everyone can be happy, satisfied in life. Now I try to do things with love that helps me forget my problems and lots of people reciprocate. Everyone is looking for Love.

Storms make people stronger

by James Leftwich, CEO NoLongerLonely.com

I’ve never tried to commit suicide. However I certainly have thought about it. I’m not a religious person but I do have a belief that life is quite precious and that abandoning it is something of a violation. Suicidality is a repudiation of long-term thinking. Someone on the brink cannot see beyond their immediate circumstance. It’s a cliche to talk about positive thinking in such circumstances and a recommendation that a suicidal person would find almost comical. However the real key to overcoming a severe mental health crisis is to accept long-term thinking and undergo a planning process with an understanding that success is incremental and won’t happen overnight.

I was hospitalized one time when I was 22 years old. I quickly found myself ostracized by friends and even family. As I came over to the realization that this mental illness would not abate and may even worsen over time I made a crucial decision that I would not succumb to it. No matter how much I struggled I maintained a goal (fantasy?) that I would emerge the victor. At the time I likened it to the hero of the Count of Monte Cristo, who suffers but triumphs in the end over his doubters. Despite many hiccups along the way I’ve never lost sight of the ultimate goal. It has required patience and a willingness to endure very uncomfortable circumstances. In hindsight I see a very logical procession.

Growing up I did quite well in school. I could always count on my intellectual ability. It enabled me to finish my Bachelor’s Degree after leaving the hospital. Many doubted my ability to do that. Showing that people were wrong to doubt my abilities became a motivating factor. Despite getting my diploma I felt quite low. I still compared myself to childhood friends who were becoming doctors, lawyers and successful businessmen. At the time I could barely manage a cashier job at a hardware store.

Reminding myself about incremental success I brainstormed a situation that would entail fairly low stress and would take advantage of my cerebral nature. I settled upon a bookstore. This was a superb decision. I still had health benefits and housing subsidies so money was not a worry. It became a place I looked forward to and allowed me to re-acclimate to social situations. It built confidence. After two years there I became restless. I still had an overall urge to prove my doubters wrong and regain my status among old friends. I tried to figure out the next step I could take that would allow me take advantage of my natural talents, was still fairly low stress, would pay better and what could amount to a real career. I settled on librarianship.

I set about methodically earning credits and before I knew it I had a Master’s Degree. I found a profession that profoundly interested me. Schoolwork itself was not very stressful but work environments during my internship triggered my paranoia and urge to socially withdraw. I realized I would have to approach the workplace delicately. I was surprised to learn my local public library was hiring part-time librarians. I set about working 15 hours a week at the reference desk. I began to slowly learn the ways of libraries. At the same time I found it easier to look people in the eye and not let my symptoms overwhelm my social encounters.

A chance encounter led me to working at a small local college library. After three years of part-time work I became a full-time employee and shed all my

public benefits. I had made it. I was a full tax-paying American citizen. Soon after I became Director of that Library. While in hindsight that was perhaps too vast a leap to make, as much of the responsibility triggered my symptoms, it appears the same on my resume. I stayed there 10 years.

My hopeful message boils down to three things: have a long-term plan that you methodically go about implementing; be willing to put yourself into uncomfortable situations; celebrate small successes even if you only you realize their import; use naysayers as motivation to exceed expectations; don’t trust clinical appraisals of how dire your circumstances might be; acknowledge and accept that you are facing more impediments to success than most people.

Rockyie goes shopping

by Nutan Modha

Rockyie in a department store, which is a part of his ethereal conscientiousness of Gucci, Armani and the other one. Wholly unaware, he inadvertently creates a worm hole with the revolving doors and is stuck in stasis and he may well be dreaming.

Act II.I

[fantasia reel can flash for snippets and Frodo waking up]

Act II.II

The Department Store

The decadent exterior of the building

[The department store has 50 floors –It’s canary wharf style industrial old Polish war museum in the 40s/50s – has great style. Selfridges. The most enormous department store in Europe] [The store front is into infinity]

Act II.III

At the Chanel Counter (Rockyie saunters over to the Chanel counter, looking preened, perfect and must be gay look. He is camp.)

Rockyie: Hello sweetie, I’ve heard about this superb store, it so… (lingers for a timed couple of seconds) (enunciated gravitas) …Soooo Gorgeous. Shop Assistant: (cockney) Yeah it’s a bit of aright in it

Rockyie: (horrified) I beg your pardon? [Shop assistant restarts and begins again with a breath spray sewage green]

Shop Assistant: (apologises, whilst looking like Nicki Manji) (accents turns royal blue) I’m sorry, I had to clear my throat muscles I’m an Opera Singer. Yes this store is quite magnificent.

[Very heavy make-up, pillar box smile and how can I help you look – head tilts]

Rockyie: (fashionista) Yes, I’ve come to sample the new edition of Catastrophe by Chanel. It’s not on display of course. [the fashionista squeals and gurgles, not a pig to be heard]

Act II.IV

The Opening of the Box

The characters linger in moments over such a special occasion.

[pig sound and a box of Catastrophe is swaggered to the glass tables. A drunk cat walks by. Meow sound]

[There is a walking escalator that the shop assistant stands on for approaching Rockyie]

[All that is heard is the escalator and then a button to pause it to a halt]

[Lots of mirrors, also on walls and gold leaf wall papering with marble tops ceilings into an the Sistine chapel replica]

[an interior design swatch forms like gridwork, forming swabs onto an a4 paper with paperclips]

[it is decadent]

Rockyie; I’m so thrilled, I can wait to see the bottle. I’ve heard that it’s been an early launch for those in the know. I’ve been hearing about it on Vogue Zine. It’s all the rage.

Shop Assistant: (agreeing) Yes of course, as expected. The launch is being showcased by George Clooney and Greta from Norway (proud) (She box unfolds the box, which takes one full minute) (inside is a bottle shaped like a jam jar the colour has

Illustration by Erica Crompton

opacity and is white) (she then looks to Rockyie)

Rockyie: (quizzically) Is this the bottle? (the assistant turns the bottle if upside down and luminous flakes start cascading)

Rockyie: (awestruck) Marvellous. It’s a micro planetarium of… (His phone rings. It’s only an alarm and there’s no one on the other side)

Rockyie: (pretending to talk to an editor) Shop assistant: (struck dumb with fame)

Rockyie: (officious) Can you give me the sample and a box bag. My editor, she says she wants to review it.

Shop Assistant: (inquisitive) (Low voice to husky) (Accent has changed, to broad up-north) Which Magazine are you from? The name.

Rockyie: (moving away from the counter with bag and talking rapidly on the phone) Oh Harper’s … Shop Assistant: (even more dumbstruck) (jaw-drops and a few birds fly out)

Rockyie: (always unperturbed walks away nattering on the phone) (no one in the store has noticed his tail – it’s very faded and IT is swaggering)

Hope when all hope is lost by GC

In early June 2019, I came home from hospital without the twins I was expecting. My beautiful son and daughter were born alive, but too small to survive for long. I can’t find adequate words or phrases - in this language at least - to describe how dark and devastating that sort of bereavement is. While recovering in the immediate aftermath, we were constantly encouraged to have ‘hope’. But what is hope? I kept hearing that word so often that it became an abstract, nonsense word. And then it irked me.

Looking back over the past year, there are ways to let the light in when the dark suffocates you. You might find them inside yourself, or externally.

Hope is rooted in optimism - and when that evaporates, as it did, grit. Although I’m a naturally optimistic person, it’s really not as if I thought there was better around the corner; I felt not so much like dying, but not being here to exist either. No before, present or after. All I could feel was a sense of moving through time. Just know that if there’s an imperative within you to keep moving through a dark time, there’s no obligation to do it quickly and certainly not at a speed convenient to other people.

Hope is hidden in self-soothing when the pain becomes too much. It was there after an intense rainstorm… a rainbow, or twin rainbows, reflections of each other, would appear and loom large in the sky.

In those moments, I smile. Rainbows can only happen after movement through a turbulent time. That’s why they’re a symbol of 2020 - and also a symbol of new life after loss.

My start to motherhood was the worst it possibly could be, and even now I fend off clumsy attempts to ease my pain or get me to look past it. You see your pain the way you want and need to, and handle it on your terms. Never compromise on that. My son, born almost a year to the day his siblings were, looks a lot like them, which delights me and breaks my heart in equal measure. I write this after another night of disrupted sleep, which is absolutely normal for me - but so is seeing my baby smile when he wakes up and I say, ‘Good morning!’

Some days, I can float along on a feeling of optimism, and I can project that onto my child. I was fortunate enough to be able to bring another new life into this world, which is certainly a bleak place in 2020. And other days, when I’m moving through the weight of sadness and it feels like all hope is lost, an imperative remains. You don’t have to ‘move on’, but sometimes moving is all you can do, whether it’s forwards, sideways, diagonally. Sometimes it might even be a bit backwards. Tune into that imperative, and pay attention to it. Grab on to it with all your might.

Excerpt from ‘The Seeds of Selfless Service’

by Stevie Saranga

One day a wandering holy-man, a mysterious mendicant visited our hill-top ashram. He had taken a vow of staying no longer than three days in any one place and like a bumble bee, travelled the earth taking a little nectar from each tiny flower, pollinating as he went. He was somehow aloof from the trappings of everyday life and declared to all that he carried a magical wishfulfilling stone. He said that whatever we desired we should tell the stone and our desires would be fulfilled.

I was passing the mendicants room one day when he invited me in. “Would you like to pray to the sacred stone? Whatever you wish for will come true!” I entered his chamber and saw the Sacred Stone sat atop a chest. It was glowing with an effulgent light. The stone was taken from the Holy Mountain over the sea and many leagues to the east. I bowed my head before the Sacred Stone and prayed with all my heart.

“I know of the Great Teachers desire that the suffering people of this age be benefited by living a simple life, working on the land. That if they could have the chance to get away from the dirty and decrepit cities, full of sin and disease that there is hope for them to be happy. I have seen the vision of the Great Teacher. I would like to give my life and soul in the service of making his vision manifest. Please engage me in humbly serving at the feet of the Great Teacher.”

With my forehead bowed, pressed down against the cold stone floor of the mendicant’s chamber, to my great surprise I heard a voice that was not my own resound loud and clear within my mind. “If you can follow the instructions of the Great Teacher throughout your life, if you can follow the Four Golden Rules, no gambling, no intoxication, no meat-eating and no illicit sex, then during the many years of your long life, you will be blessed to bear witness to the vision of the Great Teacher slowly and gradually becoming a reality.”

And then I saw myself, an old man with a bent back. Having served my time I had left the monastery, married and started a family. My sons had grown to become men and I’d left my aging wife in their care. I myself had become the mendicant as I left hearth and home to lead a life of quiet solitude wandering the earth for a final few years before I passed away. I’d gone to the Holy Mountain and walked barefoot around its base, and I took from there a Sacred Stone, and as I walked from village to village, and farm to farm, I was sowing the seeds of selfless service in the warm, rich fertile soils of honest and open hearts. “Whatever you wish for will come true!”

Stevie lived as a Hindu monk for 8 years at an ashram in Scotland. He’s married now and cares for his wife Geri who has schizo-affective disorder, and together they have one beautiful daughter. He continues his spiritual journey as a volunteer gardener at the ashram where he was a monk. His favourite hobby is writing and speaking about his experiences of being a monk. Write to him at stephen. shaw108@gmail.com

How self-isolation has evened the playing field for people with severe mental illnesses by Erica Crompton

Today, as coronavirus sweeps across the globe, everyone is staying at home and it feels like the playing field has evened out for people with severe mental illness (as well as the elderly and disabled). It’s made hermits of all of us.

There are various things I do in my selfimposed exile that helps keep me sane. Perhaps the biggest blessings in my stayat-home life are my two cats, Caspar and Winter. I adopted them over a year ago and wouldn’t be without them today. They provide much needed company without the human complications (or viruses). I rely on my cats for cuddles and touch but also a sense of routine with feeding and watering them and keeping their litter tray clean.

Like many people I’d prefer not to be glued to my phone or social media as ironically it only makes me feel anti-social. But online friendships are key during periods of solitude. To keep conversations as real as possible, I use headphones to make calls to friends so I can leave my hands free to smoke, or drink tea, as you would in a real-life social situation. I have quite a few close friends and my family who I speak to on the phone.

Shopping online is another favourite indoor activity and I’ve spend a lot of time looking for the perfect artwork, frame or rug for my home. I love the cottage I live in and have spent time refurbishing it. If I find the day free I’ll spend some time cleaning or changing things around. I’ll do painting

or put up a new picture. Distracting myself with chores such as hoovering is good psychical activity and after you reap the rewards looking at your super cute, clean abode.

Home chores extend to gardening, too.

I have a small, leafy forecourt with table and chairs and a shared backyard. Often a spare yet sunny day can be spent weeding or tidying up the outdoors space. I volunteered on a forensic ward once and gardening was used for therapy there too. A patient told me that plants don’t judge you.

Sometimes I go for a walk outside. Currently I walk 2 metres around others, but there are so few people outside. Each day, social distancing or not, I use a five mile walk to get some fresh air and exercise and just to feel like I’ve been somewhere while working from home. As a person working hard to starve off ‘the mentals’ and stay sane every day, self-exiling gives me time to recover from life’s ups and downs, and reflect how to do better next time. For me it’s a strategy against the everyday stresses many take for granted such as large gatherings, train journeys and loud nights out. Workingfrom-home cuts out a lot of these strains. Now everyone is staying at home and it feels like the playing field has evened out. I hope others will find in their own isolation time to heal from past stresses as well as invest in themselves and their living spaces.