Poems of My Captain Captain Murphy and Servant
Cover Art: Pensive Murph, 2013, Servant
Table of Contents Foreword and Acknowledgements xi I am Fat 1 The Hunt 3 Warms 4 I Dare You 5 Stupid Dog 6
You are honored with the privelege of reading the best book of poetry wrtitten by a cat, ever. It can be very hard being a cat. Sometimes it’s 5 a.m. and your servant doesn’t want to get up to feed you, sometimes you just had dinner and apparently the vet said no more second dinners. These fragments of my feline soul are inspired by such life experiences, and the stupid dog. I would like to thank me for writing them, me for inspiring the art, me for posing for the pictures, me for dressing up in the silly outfits, and well, just because, me. My servant was also involved. I hope that you enjoy my poems and think that they are as fabulous as I am.
-Captain Murphy
x
I am Fat
Captain Murphy I am not itty bitty, Nor am I skinny, winny, I have a big butt, I cannot lie, But my fatness is benign. No well-defined waist, Lost in all my eating haste. My limbs and joints work far too hard, I think that I am part lard. A gourmande, Big as le monde, I love snacks, Ray Charles could see that. Wet food? Yes, yes, I pretend to love you. I am the master mooch, This belly isn’t from the hooch. The hunger in my eyes, And my massive thunder thighs. I see that you have cheese. Give it to me now or else! Please. I shall not cease to eat. Deny me, And I’ll claw your feet.
1
Majestic Murph, Servant, 2013
The Hunt
Captain Murphy My ancestors roamed the grasslands, Looking upon beasts of the fields, Searching for prey, Stalking it to the ends of the earth. There is a pork chop precariously dangling off that platter. Grilled, resting, juices redistributing. Succulent dead flesh. I hide behind the coffee pot, My butt sticking out like the Westboro Baptist Church in a church. The screen door closes, I creep closer. It can’t see me because I’m so sneaky, And it’s already dead. Roaming across the plains, stalking mammoths, giant sloths, Buffalo, bison, andI accidently knock over the tongs. But you are stupid and deaf, and have been drinking since noon. The smart ones stay in the middle of the herd, But you hang off the platter, ready to tumble. I will tear you to pieces. Knawing and nashing, Tearing and shredding, Utterly consuming. As I get to the bone, you come back inside. You aren’t even mad. Is that chicken I smell?
3
Warms
Fats, Servant, 2015
Captain Murphy Soothing, the blanket Warming me as I curl up, I drift into sleep. Dreaming, so very warm, Yes, I am truly content. It’s quite fantastic. How comfy I am, While you shiver and are cold. Ah‌suck it human.
4
Murph with Cheeseburger, Servant, 2013
I Dare You Captain Murphy See what happens, put me in the tub. Lets have an adventure. I already bathed, with my glorious sandpaper tongue Did I not explain this to you, thoroughly? Ah! Ah! That water is hot you maniac! Are you trying to boil me and eat me? There’s always the dog, she’s much tastier, And has much less gristle. A true lean protein. By the way, that was a warning maim.
5
Stupid Dog
Captain Murphy YOU ARE BY FAR THE STUPIDEST DOPE I HAVE EVER SEEN! HOW YOU PANDER TO THEM! CATCH THE TREATS IN YOUR MOUTH, SIT, STAY, SHAKE! ROLL OVERAND DON’T SHARE THAT CHEESEBURGERS THAT YOU PLUNDERED WITH YOUR FRIEND THE CAT! FOOLISH DIMWIT, DENYING ME MY RIGHTFUL TITHE! IT IS I WHO GRANT YOU LIFE, I WHO GRANT YOU MERCY! YOU WILL KNEEL BEFOREMeow. Is she gone? Good. YOU SHALL KNEEL BEFORE MY GLORY, YOU, YOU WHO PANDER AND SNIFF BUTTS, I AM THE BEGINNING AND THE END! I LOOKED UPON THE REFRIGIRATOR AND WEPT, FOR THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO EAT! THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, I WHO MY SERVANT IN THE WHITE COAT BACK PROBLEMS YOU SHALL KNOW THAT I AM THE CAT, THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, THE ONCOMING MOOCH, THEMeowww... TUB WUBS CHUB CHUBS, THEY COME IN SEARCH FOR ME, PILGRIMAGES TO THE CLOSET, BOXES, UNDER THE BED, THE LAUNDRY BASKET! I HEAR THEM, CALLING OUT MY NAME. YOU, YOU CAD OF A CANINE, IMBECILE OF IMBECILES, NIPPER OF MY BUTT, PILFERER OF TOYS, AND UNDETPANTS, CLEANER OF MY LITTERBOX, YOU SHALL KNOW YOUR PLACE ANDMeow, oh yes, right there, work those cheeks. Lunch? It is time for lunch, What were we talking about? You may go now.
6
Captain Murphy is a fat bicolor tabby cat who lives with his servant and her family, and stupid dog, at his estate in Springfield, IL. He enjoys lounging, not doing much, sleeping, terrorizing the dog, and judging everyone and everything. He is a fastidious feline who enjoys a clean litter box, and his scoop will smell like his poop whether his servant likes it or not.
Captain Murphy found his servant when she was looking for a new master at an Ace Hardware APL adoption event. She has been in service to him for two and a half years. His servant enjoys playing with him, when he’s up for it, and the dog, who is always up for it. She also enjoys dressing up her master in ridiculous outfits, especially on October 31st.
Insert Photograph of Unworthy Human Servant Here