Getting Away with Murder

Who’s in Charge?

Why World Dominatiom Just Isn’t Worth It Other People’s Feelings (?)

You Time, and Why You Need It

r

Getting Away With Murder

Ha! We Tricked Them!

Volume 10, issue 3, April 2015

Barbie’s New Super Cool, Buy This or We Won’t Love You Anymore, Dreamhouse!

Hand Them Over Mom and Dad!

Taser.

Shockingly Effective!

In This Guide to Domination

Publisher Erin Adams

Editor Erin Adams

Graphics Erin Adams

Photography Erin Adams

Layout and Design Erin Adams

Writer

Erin Adams

Advertising Erin Adams

Getting Away with Murder 1234 SmartButt Lane Springfield Heights, IL 54321 123-456-7890 GAWM.com

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Who’s in Charge? 3 Why You’re the one for the job

Other People’s Feelings(?)

6

Why You should entertain theM

You Time, and Why You Need It! 7 other humans Suck

Why World Domination Isn’t 9 Worth It. it’s Really not.

Ha! We Tricked them!

Stupid Scientists.

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letters to the mastermind Dear G.A.W.M,

I found your publication under my daughter’s mattress. I thought it was the child Beauty Pageants and imposing of unrealistic physical standards, and denying her a real childhood was the problem, but after reading last month’s issue, particularly “Love is their Weakness”, and “Iago Was Misunderstood”, I came to realize how she got her grandma to buy her a pony. Your publication is shameful and tainting the delicate psyche of my innocent child. I and several other parents have signed a petition demanding that you cease publication!

Dear G.A.W.M,

I am surrounded by idiots.

Your publication gives me the strength to keep on living. I loved last month’s cover with the happy looking, obese Chinese kid. I also enjoyed the “They’re All Going to Die Someday” article, it was very refreshing and gave me a completely new view on life and the human experience.

-Gabrielle, 4 Dear G.A.W.M,

Sometimes I get lonely and wonder why God placed me on this earth. But after several months of reading your fine publication I realized that it is

my oyster and I run this s***. Life may not always give me lemons, but I can give it the squeeze for any other fruit I want, or caviar or other expensive things.

-Zoey, 6, Missouri Dear G.A.W.M,

I was a very humble, simple minded child. After reading your magazine I now have a rock and a stick. The other boys don’t.

Erin M. Adams is the Publisher and Editor of “Getting Away with Murder”, and is also the co-editor of the BenU Bulldog at Benedictine University Springfield. She was an only child herself for 8 years 9 months 28 glorious days before her brother tumbled down the birth canal. She enjoys spending time with her table breaking obese cat, and finding humor in every situations as she slowly inches her way toward death. She lives in Springfield with her published author cat Captain Murphy, whose book he claims she did absolutely nothing for, even though she clearly has the thumbs in this relationship. and they envy me greatly. I am basking in the attention and glory, plus I got two meals a day all month! Muchos Gracias Getting Away with Murder.

-Diego, 7, Guatemala Dear G.A.W.M,

The title of your publication is very misleading. I was your everyday, run of the mill serial arsonist who happened to be very confused by the title.

You published my letter in the “Whoopsie!” section of your

your magazine by the “Guide to Other Human Beings who are not you” ad. Now I’m in jail and the police think that I was maliciously burning down buildings, I know where your headquarters are!

-Joseph, 34, Detroit Dear Readers,

Due to public outcry, we will no longer be publishing the “Whoopsie!” section of Getting Away With Murder. Although it was very popular, and hilarious it was that the title of our

magazine was very confusing, and the wacky letters we got because of it! You can still read about the how the Detroit Police finally caught an extremely dangerous and psychotic serial arsonist that terrorized the city.

We hope you enjoy this month’s murder oriented letter free issue, (as in there will be no letters about murder in this issue)!

-Erin M. Adams, Publusher/Editor

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Y O! Y U !

YO !

U U O Who’s M M E In E Charge?

M

Sometimes people just don’t know who to listen to. This can lead to chaos and confusion.

It’s very frustrating when they just don’t realize, that you are the boss.

You are very good at being the boss, you are a born leader!

Lots of only children are great leaders, and lots of great leaders made themselves only children! Is that a coincidence? Uh, no. What exactly is it that makes sonly children such great leaders?

You’re Confident!

Only children have higher self-esteem than other children. With doting parents and reduced criticism and competition, only children are more confident, bold, and achievement wise capable.

Did Winston Churchill hide when the Nazis started bombing London? No, he was like, come at me Hitler! Which initially was not smart, but then he called his buddy F.D.R and yay! Things worked out. Since you are so confident, you also are a bit of a megalomaniac, which isn’t so bad. Jesus busted up some crap in the Temple once, it really wasn’t wrong, theologically. You have the sheer audacity to get things done, a quality which many humans don’t possess.

You’re not Stupid!

Half of the gifted population is only or first born children,

it goes to say that you’re good at remembering... everything.

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E

You Won’t Compromise!

You don’t understand the word “no”, you wonder why it’s in anyone else’s vocabulary. When you say jump people should say “off what cliff?”, when they go to that cliff, you suddenly drag them to a bridge and push them off of it. It’s your way or the highway.

You’re always right, you always know best, you are not crazy. The only bulls*** you will put up with is your own, and you can’t even do that sometimes! You are an immovable narcissistic rock who rules the hard place. You wouldn’t hesitate to issue Executive Orders, or just stake out dissenters in Congress, so basically all of Congress. The world needs people like you!

You’re Feared!

People automatically assume that you’re bossy and mean.

You may not be, you could be the

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reincarnation of Mother Theresa, but they have assumptions and stereotypes. Embrace them embrace those false, rashly applied beliefs. If anyone could ask for a scorched earth policy and get it, it’s you! Heads on spikes? How many, what’s your favorite color of spike, model, type, should we decoupage them? People will just listen to you, why? Your perceived reputation proceeds you, embrace it and get things done!

You Hate to Lose!

Losing to you is like apologizing to Kanye West, impossible, a true example of an only child. You are competitive, you like to win, be the best. Board games are the Olympics, the Olympics are the Hunger Games, the Hunger Games are trivia on Saturday night, Saturday night trivia is climbing Mount Everest, Mount Everest is punching people

who don’t know when to shut up in the face, life is a game, and you’re going to win it! You always won, you had no competition, and you still don’t. But if you do, and they win, uff….reinforce the walls, there will be holes in them.

Being passionate isn’t bad, it’s bad for walls, but not for you. You are driven and want to be successful, the world is your oyster, if you’re Jewish, your brisket, and everything is yours for the taking.

Those who aim high don’t miss, they just end up hitting stupid people with rocks.

You possess every quality of a good leader, there is good reason why CEOs are mostly eldest and only children, they know how to do it, when to do it, and who to fire and replace. If you don’t go mad with power, you can get things done! Embrace your leadership qualities, and get those spears decoupaged!

Only Child Syndrome Erin Adams Why doesn’t this stupid, cruel world revolve around me?

I am awesome.

Do these bumbling fools not know the definition of “now”?

I am surrounded by idiots.

They should examine their priorities.

I would really like a cookie.

Yes, that is another child.

And? Is “mine” not clear?

I will cry.

I will explode.

Other people will stare at you.

Yes, we are in public.

And? An excellent choice.

I have trained you well.

Look at me!

Take me for a walk,

Socialize me!

A treat?

Thank you.

You’re Confident!

You’re not Stupid!

You Won’t Compromise!

You’re Feared!

You Hate to Lose!

Purple is a state of mind, and candy.

Yes. Give me that.

Now! I am talking!

What I have to say is important!

Life will interrupt you foolish mortal!

Yay, lecture time…

I don’t want to do that.

I don’t want to go there.

Because.

Did you forget who your boss was?

I love you, feed me.

Show me affection.

Buy me things.

Entertainment!

Bread and the Circus.

I am bored.

I’m staring at you, Waiting…

You are dense.

Of all the wombs in space and time, Thank you.

I like this shiny thing.

Keep up the good work.

It could be shinier.

What else you got?

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Guiltgifts.com “Yes, You are a Horrible Parent.”

Other People’s Feelings (?)

The world does not revolve around you, if it did it would be very tiny and populated by freezing sea monkeys. But it would be nice if it did, sometimes.

Imagine all these freezing sea monkeys, miserable, angry sea monkeys, with lots and lots of feelings. You can’t change the fact that these sea monkeys have feelings. How could you possibly tolerate this, how could anyone possibly tolerate this?

Everything’s not as hopeless as it seems. Think of other humans as gift horses, and look them in the mouth, check their prostates, look down their ears, up their nostrils, into their eyes-because you need to understand how they tick to a cellular level. How else will you ever get what you want out of them?

Ingratiate yourself to them, tell them you love them, show them affection, take them for walks, by simply investing a fraction of your valuable time with them, instead of doing more important things, you can teach them tricks.

You can get them to sit by simply patting a comfy spot, open

open your arms and they will hug you-make them dependent on your love and affection. Do you like new toys, and presents?

Normally, you don’t get presents for just any holiday-unless you mention something you want before a holiday, and since it would be cruel to deny you, someone needs to think of a reason to get you that now. Arbor Day is next week, here’s that new laptop that you wanted. Really, thank you, I need this, here take my old crappy one, thanks parental units you are the best, mommy want a hug?

They’re not all that bright, if you’ve noticed. They have their little ticks and verbal and physical cues, and shiny red candy like buttons to press. You have these two, but you’re not stupid. Is daddy frustrated after a long day at work? Why not ice cream, which he will pay for and drive you to?

He has earned a question and feigned interest in what he does so that he can buy you things.

Somebody looks frustrated, how about a back rub with cars, and oh, by the way, that thing at the place, can I got to it

and or have it, all of my friends who I claim to have but you have never met before are. What heartless parent could say no to that?

As you get older you will have bosses and professors, presumably, as a well-educated only child you have discovered the ultimate weapon-guilt. Guilt, this fruit induced emotion is ripe for the picking. You don’t “always” need to get to that thing on time, you don’t “need” an extension, but you’re so good at turning things in on time, and well, life, and stuff.

They feel bad for you more than you feel bad for them, for no good, logical reason, which is pretty near scientifically impossible. It’s a miracle! Some spiritual beings gift to the worthy! You’ve been observing them for years, and by two or so you figured out that having faith in them was more sisyphean than Sally Struthers jogging to a Weight Watcher’s meeting next to an ice cream factory.

Other people’s feelings aren’t always the burden they feel like, they are opportunities, embrace them!

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Time, #1 #1 and Why You Need #1 It! #1 #1

You

You are not a selfish person. You are just surrounded by idiots, loud, annoying, obnoxious, idiots. You just need to do you, be you, be alone…, everybody does, everybody really should. Being around people can be very draining.

Some people just work and function better alone, have you ever heard of a sociable hermit? No, the world needs hermits, they make everyone else look saner and well groomed. There are some things that are better done alone, who died and found out that Radon emits radiation that causes cancer? Marie Curie, did she have Radon parties in her laboratory, thank God no. May she and her husband rest in peace wherever they may be.

Has there ever been such a thing as a two person microscope, or groupons for tickets to autopsies? No, and now we know that our bodies are not made of humors, magic, and Jesus. Many great discoveries have been made alone. Isn’t it nice not to have to deal with leaches anymore?

Everyone needs a little “Me time”, some can only take so much external stimuli, they do not like it hot, they like quiet, books, and tea. “Me time” allows

you to think on a deeper

level sans distractions. Do

you know what the giant

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This could be you not caring anymore.

Isn’t that a lovely thought? pizza monster from Power Rangers meant? Not until after three cups of hot coco, two cups of tea, and an Americano, also, feelings have colors.

“Me time” is very healthy after a bad or tumultuous day, have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face, legitimately, not after three cups of hot coco, two cups of tea, an Americano, and getting into a telepathic argument with Violet? Everyone has. Do you really want to be around someone who really wants to punch the person who crosses their path in the face? No, especially if you’re that someone so deserving of it, or a strong and forceful verbal tongue lashing.

People need alone time to calm down, and return to thinking rationally, and forgive the color violet.

Being alone and being left alone are two very different things, being alone is like being

the only guest at your dinner party, sad. Being left alone is saving the life of an innocent, overpriced table, and walking out of your party and decompressing and calming down. Tables everywhere will be grateful, especially if they are Violet.

Eulogy for the Whoopsie Section

Dear Readers,

On this page you would have found our very popular “Whoopsie!” scetion. The endearing section of this publication in which horrible people find the title of our magazine very confusing and send whacky letters to the editor.

All of me here at Getting Away With Murder will dearly miss tales of bodies in acids from south of the border, filandering husbands and wives in the woods, people who owed money, and

I’d Need Two Goats

how we all learned not to get away with murder, and saw justice done and cute police officers on guard in and out of the office.

Who does not remember Helen and her marriage problems and how after 6 1/2years the police finally arrested her for the murder of her husband? According to the Mason County super max prison, she wa sjust moved to solitary for setting all the incarcerated gang members on fire for making too much noise during her shows. You go girl!

Who does not remember Jesus, the serial bomber who blew up rival crack houses and was having trouble with a new batch of C4 and wondered if I could help him and track down the shady bastard who sold it to him?

Luckily he found a better batch of

C4 and tested it out on a car that he thought was mine. Yay! Not having a car and seeing him put into the solitary bowels of a high security super max prison in an undisclosed location underground in Death Valley!

Although we can no longer publish this section, it will live on in our hearts, like shratnel.

Erin Adams

I’d need two goats And a vegetable patch.

I would pack a lot of books too, And put on layers.

Then I would walk far away To the top of a mountain And bask in silence.

I would fondly forget My roommate’s new stereo And how she wants to be deaf, and the guy who lives Next door to me and has a very loud girlfiiend I could be alone with God, I would hear his still small voice,

And the occasional “baa” of my goats.

A village boy could bring me anti-dandruff shampoo And news of the outside world In broken English, And I would just smile and nod At whatever he said.

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$$ Why World$

$$

Domination $ $ Just Isn’t $$ $ Worth It. $ $ $ $ $$ $ $ $

The Legion of Doom makes it look so easy, rise out of the swamp, lets go defeat the Super Friends, wan bam, thank you ma’am we failed miserably.

But really, how would you even take over the entire world? How? When would you strike, where would you strike first, why, seriously, why? Have you seen the world? Why? Here are some other excellent deterrents.

Economic

Money makes the world go round, and if you want to take it over, you will need money.

How much? Without any real math or research at all, just common sense, a few trillion, at least?

How would you get at least a few trillion dollars? Presumably you’d need to commit some crimes, and therefore hire lawyers and pay bail, acquire materials on the black market, not cheap, PR people, not cheap, have a few armies, a large staff, minions, who might commit crimes and have to get bailed out, establish a world-wide communications network, build a lair or two, hire a manager-and there goes a few trillion dollars. What would you get back for it? ?

Probably only a little bit more than you put in

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ultimately. Whoever you killed, deposed, would have one or several rebel forces aligned with them. Not only would have fronts on 6 continents, 7 if the penguins want civil rights, but you would be combatting those angry rebels. All of this is very expensive, especially when you throw in the apparently sentient talking penguins, and how you could potentially weaponize them.

Political

Modern, large scale political campaigns cost hundreds of millions of dollars, even done in the shadows a world-wide political campaign on 6 continents, 7 if you count the penguins but you could easily install a puppet leader with little to no opposition. Ideally you won’t run into much of a democratic process, and once you have successfully conquered all, you will dispose of such processes. But you will run into a few, then you’d have to start deposing governments, you’d really only win the battle. Battles are less draining, psychologically and financially than wars. Even 10 superpacs couldn’t cover your expenses and gather enough

resources for you in such a situation.

Practical

Where would you get all the materials, how, what would you need? You would have to write the world’s longest list, tanks, guns, anthrax, bioweapons could potentially save you billions and trillions, but come with increased liability. Who would do the hiring? You couldn’t do it all yourself, you’d forget things and you’d know too much. You would need to create an entire evil organization from the ground up, that is more than just ISIS money. Not only money, but resources, you’d need Al Qaeda, Syrian, IRA, Drug Cartels-they don’t like it when things are taken away from them, a persistent issue that you will have to deal with.

Emotional

When you set such lofty goals failing is emotionally crushing. You want the whole world, but you only get Canada? Is Canada really worth taking your own life? Starting a super pac or buying controlling shares in large corporations could be just as fulfilling, and legal. You’d wear yourself out taking over the entire world. And the stress, stress leads

A Lot of Ice

Drama, Drama, Drama

Issues.

Stupid People

Global Warming!!! to several serious medical and psychological conditions, like heart disease and depression.

Imagine doctor bills and at least funding 10 different armies, and their various branches, yikes!

Psychological

“Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” So go get a massage or a mimosa, is China worth it?

It probably is, but learning Chinese is very hard, and the cultural differences, drama, drama, drama!

You would be running around like Marie Antoinette with her head cut off! Oh, Russia, Russia’s next on your list? Good luck with Vladimir Putin. Don’t you even get me started on North Korea that place is crazy. Just be happy with what you have, don’t be an Eve, looking at a tree and forgetting about your entire garden. No one ever likes an Eve, in fact some cultures just flat out hate

Poverty and Drug Cartels

Ebola Nature wants to kill you

Eves. Don’t you have a narcissistic psychological need to be liked?

Of course you do, so embrace it and become famous for no reason instead!

World Domination is a tiring and taxing business, the deposing, the killing, the conquering, the governing, where would you be in all the mess, who would you be? Probably someone that you didn’t like, that’s who. Look at the current state of the worldnot worth it, not one single bit.

Let tired old men and the rising percentage of tired old women handle the mess, and go get a smoothie and glare at the person behind the counter instead.

World Domination Budget:

Soilders/Mercenaries: $ 500,000,000+ Weapons: $1,000,000,000+ Materials: $1,500,000,000+ Campaigns/ Propganda: $2,000,000,000+ Pay Offs/ Bribes: $500,000,000+ Contingency/ Incidentals: $1,000,000,000+ Total(ly): Not Worth It Nope

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Ha! We Tricked Them!

According to several psychological studies, all those myths about only children are false.

Completely unfounded, untrue, old wives tales, like dragons and real life uses for a philosophy degree. Are they gone, they’re not looking over your, are you sure, distract them, there they go, chase the shiny thing!

HA! WE FOOLED THEM, GOOD JOB EVERYBODY! GOD THEY’RE STUPID!

“Only children can have as many friends and be as extroverted as children with siblings”, really? We’re not friends with just anyone, we have standards, when the apocalypse comes, and we form cults, we need people. Good people who

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know how to control minions and deal with dissenters. There is a thorough process, we don’t just go blabbing around to everybody about our plans!

“Only children can have friendly relationships with anyone of any age.” Bullshit, have, have you had a conversation with a baby lately? Are you of an adult age and ever thought, “huh, that teenager that I just talked to was completely right about everything and knows everything about the world, lets go to the mall and paint our nails!” No! You demand repellant for those pesky beasts, that’s what you’re do, because you are smart! “ Any intellectual advantage only children have disappears by

the time they’re teenagers.” Did you think we wanted you to be on to us? No, really, Lex Luthor probably misspelled a few words on his laser design drafts when he was 13, he wasn’t stupid, plus he was actually an extremely miserable and abused child, him building a laser would have been miniscule next to his projected behavioral problems.

“Only children aren’t selfish, they can be just as giving, kind and considerate as children with siblings.” Oh, I didn’t know that children were like that. From a recent observational study called life, they’re really not. We are not stupid. The hissy fats and outright malice stop working very quickly, we are well aware of that.

“Only children can have as many friends and be as extroverted as children with siblings” Nope.

False humility is the way to go. Sharing and feigning kindness always yields a return. Hitler was on the cover of Time in 1938, man of the Year! He was even nominated for a Nobel Peace prize in 1939, which he did not win understandably, but he was nominated! Do you know who else was nominated?

Joseph Stalin.

“

“Only children can have friendly relationships with anyone of any age.”

Ha!

We have been conning them for years, not to the level that “life has a meaning, you’re special” does, but somewhere in-between “Your one true love” and “The Cubs could win the World Series”. When they started catching onto us a few thousand years in we came up with a Plan B, be so terribly good that we still get what we want, and more because we’re so terribly good, mine please!

“Any intellectual advantage only children have disappears by the time they’re teenagers.”

Seriously?

They weren’t that hard to fool, some of them think that vaccines cause autism because a guy in a scientist outfit said so. The brain is amazing, amazingly lazy. As people age it takes longer and longer to change neuron pathways, and guess, what, they get cemented in with age and experience too! You can also just list off fruit, not say fruit, and trigger pathways in the brain and make people hear the word “fruit”, which you did not say at all.

“Only children aren’t selfish, they can be just as giving,kind and considerate as children with siblings.”

What universe do you live in?

“ I got a HUG, and KISSES, and I LISTENED and I PLAYED NICE and MONEY,” “you were a good girl today, lets go to TOYS R US!” Did you specify what day you were actually referring to, you were being truthful, or that you were referring to Ai, No, poof, ta da! Magic!

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There are octopi in the ocean, manatees, what did sailors claim to see for thousands of years? Krakens and mermaids, if people talk about something for long enough they will believe it.

1. Tears 2.Guilt 3. Manipulating the Truth and Lies of Omission

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All myths are based in reality, or on a fact or factual person or occurrence. Is there not something in chicken noodle soup that helps you get over a cold, that scientists have identified as anti-inflammatory properties?

In this post age of enlightenment world it is easy to question and doubt old wives tales or folk stories, and attempt to scientifically disprove them, but they’re trying to disprove something. How do you know that that something isn’t there?

Maybe they might be right, maybe we’re just fulfilling self-fulfilling prophecies and

stereotypes, maybe we’re just like any other child with siblings on the inside. Maybe we’re not selfish little, goal oriented “Type A” monsters, megalomaniacs with control issues. Or maybe we could just let them keep thinking that, and just keep listing off fruit, and see what’s ripe for the picking.

4. Knowing Dirty Secrets and Weaknesses

7. Being the Only Baby

6.Secretly High Emotional and Interpersonal Intelligence

9. The Need to be Liked and Loved

Essential Strategies:

Tips and Tricks for use in Daily Life, & Special Occasions

8. Welll Rehearsed 5. Being Very Smart Scenes in Public

10. Threats

Try The Devil’s Share, we lost count proof moonshine!

Are You Surrounded by Idiots?

Still Reemember Anything?

Alive?

You Didn’t Drink Enough!

s.o.s

a minion? Aren’t babies just learning social norms and rules?

If you train it well it could prove to be a valuable minion. Also, since you’re the oldest, you will probably become medical, legal, and financial in your parent’s will since this new little one won’t be 18 for a while. Isn’t that a fantastic thing to hold over your mommy and daddy’s heads?

Dear G.A.W.M,

I began reading your magazine in the womb and it has served me well. I recently had a conflict with the public. I was clearly not in the wrong when I began shredding documents and ommitting information to the

Dear G.A.W.M,

My name is Susie and I am 10 years old. I just found out that my mom’s going to pop another one out. I have been her only perfect angel of child all my life, how have I offended God? -Susie, 10, Idaho

Susie, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

God has a divine plan in all of this. Doesn’t Everybody need a

public and other agencies that we work with, but they think that I was and have threatened to fire me. How do I get myself out of this sticky situation? -Anonymous, 30, IL

City of Springfield employee, we feel your pain.

It’s a shame when the general public actually finds out what’s going on around them. Get a good P.R. person, and quote check, quote check, quote check! It seems like the public is generally quite pissed at you anyway, so screw it. But luckily they tend to forget and forget very easily, you’ll be running for governor in no time!

8 years 9 months 28 days resides in the deepest, darkest depths of Erin M. Adam’s soul. Usually she doesn’t get to come out to play because she is a selfish little evil monster.

She is a fan of Game of Thrones and the shenanigans of Lord Petyr Baelish. Her hobbies include judging people, being unfriendly, demeaning, foul mouthed, and demanding that Erin stops being so boring and lame. She lives in solitary,, no visitors please, do not give her a glass of water.

Dear G.A.W.M,

I’m really shy and I get bullied a lot at school. I try to play nice and pretend that I like people and genuinely have an interest in making friends but it’s very hard. How can I break someone but still get sympathy and support at the same time?

-Frank, 8, South Carolina

Tears. Tears, tears, tears, tears! From what it sounds like you are surrounded by idiots.

After you cry and make them feel

like crap, grab them by the

collar and whsiper

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in their ear that you’ve been observing them for years and know each and every one of their weaknesses, and that everyone else thinks that they’re lower than dirt. You also take comfort in the fact that they will die someday and become worm meat, often dreaming about it at night…and laughing. This should sufficiently break them and poop their pants whenever they see you. Plus, who would believe that such a nice little boy like you would say such things? Someone who was making up things about you would.

Dear G.A.W.M,

I’m hungry and I thought that you loved me, feed me now or the toilet paper gets it.

-You know who this is, 3, Illinois

Murph, I just fed you.

You also learned how to open the pantry and hop into the bag and help yourself to the food, you also glare at me when I don’t offer you some of my lunch. By the way, when I said try Jenny, the appropriate response was not “she was delicious”. You are fine, go lounge or beat up the dog or something.

Dear G.A.W.M,

I was coerced at protractor point into a group project. I hate everyone and everything.

I understand that to radiate positivity I must accept that life is s***, but life is s***. These idiots won’t let me be the boss either, and I am obviously the brains of this outfit. How can I get through this without hanging myself in front of everyone after ranting about who stupid and incompetent they are?

-Rachel, 11, Wisconsin

Rachel, I’ve been in your predicament before, but instead the threat of shaming my family with a “C” was what coerced me.

I have sought help for my issues.

You’re between a rock, a hard place, someone trying to sell you a timeshare, and some eager, chipper Jehovah’s witnesses. Tough it out, don’t put up with any of their crap. Assert yourself! They will know who the boss is. Who’s a doormat? Native peoples were, but you’re not. You are the pillar of strength and sipper of rivers of tears. Keep that in mind and you go girlfriend!

Dear G.A.W.M,

I recently got in trouble at school for being sarcastic and demeaning to my classmates. My teacher talked to me very rudely and informed my blissful parents of my apparently bad behavior.

How do I get them off my back?

-Austin, 10

Fake it. Faking it is a very important life skill, how do you think people get elected to political office? pretend toi be very sorry, I’m sure the numbskull deserved it. Cry, be upset, and look at the ground a lot, pretend to be ashame dof yourself until you hear “well, he’s just a kid” or “he’s still growing up”, or anything along those lines, then you can go bacl to business as usual.

Dear G.A.W.M,

I have this friend who doesn’t know when tu shut up.

She has ruined sveeral social occasions by infdrming people of what I actually think of them. I try to tell her not to snitch, but she says it just feels wrong to lie and talk about people behind their backs. How can I fix her?

-Lindsay, 15

Everybody has an Emilia Lindsay.

You can neve rfix Emilias. Can you get them to do all your dirty work for you? Yes. Will they keep their mouths shut about it and not ruin your plan to take your rightful place? No. I think it’s called a “conscience”. Ditch her, make her feel horrible. No one likes to lose a friend, humans are social creatures with feelings. Take that and run with it. In a few days she’ll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness with her own duct tape, just in case.

P.S.: If you haven’t read Othello or seen it, I suggets you do. It’s very insightful and informative,.

It’s okay, they’re going to die someday little one, and everyhing will be fine.

15

L’Oreal Hearing You Loud and Clear since 1919