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ISSUE 2
“The question, then, is what unites us?” A Letter to the SUNY ESF Community
PAGE 8
A Response to Town Hall PAGE 9
WEIRD CREATURE SPOTLIGHT PAGE 3
March 2018
esf.edu
TABLE
OF
CONTENTS
BRANCHING OUT REOCCURRING ARTICLES
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Weird Creature Spotlight, Annie Stevens
SMALL TWIGS PERSONAL ESSAYS
4 As The Bagel Falls, Julia Rossi
BUDDING MINDS POETRY & CREATIVE WRITING
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The Widening Gyre, Shourjya Majumder Dust, Morgan Beatey Microwave, Hannah Roden Journey Through The Fynbos, Shourjya Majumder
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A Letter to the SUNY ESF Community, Ryan Hicks A Town Hall Response, Eustace B. Nifkin Walking Across the Quad, The Thinking Man
CAMPUS & ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS
SILLY SAPS SATIRE & LAUGHS
12 The Key to Getting People Involved In Politics, Jordan Jessamy 13 Wheeler oh Wheeler, Anonymous 14 How To Make Yourself More Interesting, Jordan Jessamy 15 ESF Crossword, Noelle Stevens
Meet The Staff
Editor: Morgan Beatey Co-editor: Hailey Smalley Layout Editor: Lauren Perry Chief Financial Officer: Noelle Stevens Secretary: Jordan Jessamy
Editing Team: Annie Stevens, Shourja Majumder, Rehgan Shepardson-Machold, and Jacob Chesser Layout Team: Morgan Beatey and Lauren Perry Cover Photo: sunyesf.wordpress.com 2
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Weird Creature Spotlight by Annie Stevens
In this issue we’re taking a look a bit closer to home – that’s right, our own order, Primates, has its fair share of interesting members (and no, I’m not talking about that one weird uncle who always shows up to family gatherings despite not being invited). The aye-aye is a lemur native to Madagascar that is well-known for its odd looks and its defiance towards categorization. Aye-ayes are now considered members of the lemur clade, but this was debated for quite a while following their discovery by naturalists. For a while it was considered a member of Rodentia due to some anatomical characteristics that resemble those of rodents much more than they resemble primates, even other lemurs. However, the results of genetic tests show that the ayeaye is indeed descended from the common ancestor of the lemur clade.
The aye-aye is perhaps best known for its, frankly, rather evil-looking hands. Its fingers are elongated; the middle on each paw is extremely thin, while the “ring” finger is the longest. These are used to ferret insect larvae out of holes in the bark of wood, but are viewed as a bad omen by the Malagasy people, who consider aye-ayes to be evil. The lore surrounding aye-ayes varies depending on the region one visits. Some people claim that spotting an aye-aye is a harbinger of
death, whereas others believe that the aye-aye itself can kill sleeping villagers by stabbing them through the heart with its freakish fingers. However, conservation scientists who work with this endangered animal can confirm that it is indeed weird, but harmless.
javarman
David Haring
Branching OUT Reoccurring Articles
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Small TWIGS Personal Essays
As The Bagel Falls by Julia Rossi
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It happened so quickly, but in slow-motion at the same time: One moment I’m slathering thick cream cheese on a freshly toasted bagel, and the next I am watching as my breakfast tumbles through the air, a soon-to-be retired Olympic diver savoring their last chance of gold, and hitting the floor with a resounding splat. There was nothing I could do but mourn my great loss- not only of my bagel, but also of my pride. As I peeled the still-warm bread off the dusty tiles of Sadler Dining Hall, I had to contemplate the path I took to end up here- the bottom of the pit. Unlike many rough mornings people experience, mine was not a total disaster, or an explosion of negativity, just a slew of minor inconveniences. It started when I woke to the alarm and my roommate, Lauren, was already up and about. Typically, I get up first so that I can hog the sink while Lauren waits for the next alarm, but instead I had to share my space. By itself, this would not have been a problem, but when coupled with a snapped hair tie and a forgotten pencil, I could feel my day slipping away like the souls of the dead down the river Styx. I couldn’t help but feel the piercing stares of my collegiate peers boring into by back. What
must they think of me, holding up the toaster line, on my hands and knees scraping my breakfast off the floor? I must look like a fool, a complete waste of space in such a prestigious college as this. I briefly caught the stare of a sweatpants-clad boy, but all I can see in his eyes was my own reflection. Too early in the morning for
harsh judgement, I guess. The gluten ring, finally on my plate, was lint-crusted and completely inedible. I departed on the next leg of my grand journey- an epic tour around the whole dining hall to dispose of this shameful corpse and to gather a napkin, for there was still a smear of cheese on the ground- a clear hazard to any well-meaning passer-by. Soon I got back to the scene of the crime, evidence wiped up,
and a fresh plate in my hand. Alas, I ran into yet another setback: I had to either choose to continue delaying those behind me and prepare a replacement bagel, or to sulk over to the eggs and eat the spongey yellow protein in shame. Will I give in to the gazelle in my heart, yearning to bolt off from my fellow students? Or will I wallow in the suffocating social pressure of the bagel line and try to replace what I had lost so suddenly? I ended up retreating, jumping out of there like a kernel of popped corn from scalding oil. I felt shame, incompetence, and insignificance pulse through my veins, and I just knew that that bagel must have fallen off my plate to draw my attention to my faults. It had been a rough morning, full of trials and dull tribulations, but after the whole ordeal, I was almost comforted by the idea of hitting rock bottom. My day couldn’t possibly get any more irritating or degradinghow could you be pushed off the edge of a cliff that you’ve already fallen off? No matter how dark I felt, I could not deny light of hope penetrating the inky blackness and leading me forward to a new beginning. I was ready to restart and continue on a brighter path.
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The Widening Gyre by Shourjya Majumder
Dust
by Morgan Beatey
The crowd is pushed into the space. The space is too small; bodies are piled on top of each other. The door encloses them, sealing them off from their world. They enter into an alternate dimension......
Do not grant me pity empty of understanding and compassion that echoes only sentiments of prejudiced ideals.
A single monotonous object, moving at a constant speed Protests are heard, but in vain Right-side up and upside down, then stripped of life Bare bones dripping with flesh remain They enter into a metal room, sliced abruptly by machines.
is a dye I chose, willing the rich, heady earth to accept my presence. I live watching people forget the spirit of the land, its call,
Everlasting Hunger......
Everlasting Hunger......
The landowners habit causes the animal’s ruin. They tug on the string that causes the rain to fall Droplets of fire encase the land Playing a game with all of us, which never ends Everlasting Hunger.....
Shipped, Wrapped and Sealed The large boxes comes in rows Lining the shelves before the holidays A good source of protein and anxiety Dinner is served
The dirt upon my hands, clinging and curling under nails, painting my skin with an essence of nature,
and the earth, how it weeps for the loss, echoes of distant springs and summers now turned to winter.
Machines and men, claws dug deep, tear at body and soul until her blood, her heart, lays bare and exposed. This blessed mother, giver of life, bringer of beauty, sits crippled and broken,
cast aside beneath our feet where we trample past and future into dust.
Budding MINDS
Poetry and Creative Writing
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Microwave
by Hannah Roden
Sally is a recent high school graduate, intending to go to college. She is studious, and responsible, and does not take her choice of school lightly. Before visiting, she checks each institution’s rankings, statistics, demographics, and location, among other things. Today, she is touring SUNY VSSS, New York state’s College of a Very Specific Subset of Science. She joins a group of students with her mother and a folder emblazoned with the college logo in tow. They are sitting at a small group of round tables in a large conference room in a modern building with wood beams across the ceiling and steel window frames. Inside the folder, there is a stack of papers. The top has a large heading which read “We Stand at #1” with a black and white photo of the microwave on its glorious stand beneath. Below that is a photo of the cover of the Princeton Review. SUNY VSSS was ranked top of their list of schools with aesthetic microwave stands. “Dad, look,” The girl sitting next to Sally and her mom frantically whispers to the man next to her. She has her folder open too, and is pointing to the photo of the stand. “That’s why I wanted to look at this school.” “That is very nice,” her father answers, “It really matches the aesthetic of the building. I bet this can compete with Ivy League microwave stands.” “It did,” the girl answers. “This list included all the colleges in the country.” Her father looks impressed. 6
It’s a table, Sally thinks. She feels relieved when she moves the top paper and finds the next details what is done in the research labs at SUNY VSSS. Finally, a girl walks into the room, wearing a polo shirt. Since she does not also have a bag of gold clubs with her, she must be the tour guide. “Hello,” she bellows, interrupting the quiet murmurs of the visiting prospective students. “My name is Shauna, and I’ll be showing you around today! Now, SUNY VSSS has an extensive history of graduating some of the best and most specific scientists in the country.” The tour goes around the entire campus, which only has three buildings. The group leaves the building with the modern conference room and walks up the sidewalk to another building. This one, contrasted by the sleek exterior of the first, is brick, crumbling and covered in ivy. It has the name of the college on the side, in a font that was designed to emanate the 1970’s. Inside the building are rooms and rooms of scientists, all in lab coats, all sitting in front of microscopes, talking over coffee, typing at computers. Shauna goes quiet, allowing the prospective students to take in the atmosphere around them. Outside, they pass the third building, but Shauna passes buy it, simply stating that it is full of administrative offices. “Finally, last but not least, we’ll see what you’re all really here
for,” Shauna says, walking backwards with ease, leading the way back to the building where they started. The group follows her carefully, the loud chatter between children and parents gone quiet in anticipation. They enter the door next to the one that leads to the conference room. Inside is a dark room with a single light, and beneath the single light is a single microwave, stainless steel and glass door gleaming. The enchanting contraption sat upon the most beautiful table Sally had ever seen. The legs were a deep mahogany, a perfect match for the wood beams of the ceiling. The marble was a complementary mixture of rich browns and flecks of black. It was as though this table were an extension of the building around them. Sally felt actualized. Complete. No one had spoken a word. No one wanted to interrupt the moment, including Shauna. She hustled them back through the door with big arm motions. “That concludes our tour for today,” she shouted with a smile. “I’ll stick around for a moment to answer questions, but you’re free to go! Have a great afternoon!” “Shauna,” Sally said, walking over to her, “I’m very interested in going here next semester! Is it possible to apply so late? Could I enroll in time?” “Oh,” Shauna said, confused, “You can’t go here.” “But… but this is a school, right?” “Yeah. But we can only spend our entire budget on furniture for the microwave.”
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Journey Through the Fynbos by Shourjya Majumder
It is 6 am. Though most of us are half-asleep at this point, we all somehow stumble out of our tents and pile into the buckee. Even though our faces seem tired, our minds are fully awake, ready for another day of sightseeing, as we begin our journey through the fynbos biome of South Africa. A good way along the road, almost by accident, we run into what appears to be a hybrid of a cow and antelope. Despite their big hulking appearance, the eland seem to be indifferent towards us as we pass by, casually grazing the sparse vegetation, the dewlap hanging prominently from the male’s necks. A few feet down, we run into the very black-and-white Cape Mountain zebra. Rarely found alone, they can be seen as the second most social animal on the fynbos, always in groups, but staying clear of people. In contrast to the social zebra, there is the ever-reserved hippo. He waits patiently below the water with only his eyes visible. On occasion he yawns out of boredom, showing off his fearsome incisors. He then quietly slips back under. Similar in size to the hippo, but no less intimidating is the rhino. Looking like something out of prehistoric times, they are limited by their vision and tend to be quite paranoid, charging at any foreign object in motion. The rhinos and hippos give a sense of hostility photo by Dominic Chadbon
to the fynbos biome. This was counteracted by the serenity presented to us by the elephants. Their calm eyes reminded us of the delicate balance of the fynbos ecosystem. Initially thought of as very awe-inspiring and “exotic”, the sight of an impala became quite boring to us very quickly. Comparable to the white-tailed deer of Africa, they were seen at nearly every turn, sometimes getting quite annoying as 50 of them crossed the road at one time. The sentinel of the fynbos, the monumental giraffe keeps a watchful eye over all the chaos beneath him. He remains calm, even in the face of danger, while those below him flee for their lives. He silently observes us we drive past, the youngster showing off its lanky legs by galloping alongside. Besides the impala, there were a myriad of other antelope species interspersed within small populations throughout the biome. There was the eclectic red hartebeest, who wanted to greet us every time we drove by. There was the conspicuous female kudu, playing a game of hide-andseek with us between the bushes. Her partner was more daring, and blocked our path just so we could marvel at his headgear. The bontebok was that one antelope species that didn’t quite fit in with the rest of the crowd.
With only two other friends to keep it company, it stayed in its small protected area, away from all the action. Wildebeest were perhaps the most social animals. We saw them as a “superorganism” as they traveled as a unit from pasture to pasture. The blue wildebeest were quite cautious, always having many sets of eyes watching this strange thing pass by, while the single black wildebeest was very outgoing, and showed off his energy whenever we drove past. There were always the mischievous troop of baboons hanging out in their big troop, practicing gymnastics in the trees or strengthening their social ties through grooming. The king of the jungle. The ruler of Africa. The highlight of our day was when we would drive by the enclosure which housed the lion. His bold and fearless gaze shines down over the land, as he watches over his subjects. After what seems like hours of pindrop silence accompanied by the clicking of cameras, we head back to camp, driving into the setting sun. That was only the beginning. We still have three more weeks to spend on this reserve. Perhaps during that time, we will get to know the animals better, and continue to strengthen the frail thread of nature.
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A Letter to the SUNY ESF Community by Ryan Hicks
To the SUNY ESF Community,
The students, faculty, staff, administration of this institution have come together to improve, protect and advocate for our planet. Simply, we do what we do ‘for earth.’ It can be easy to look empirically at the world and the people around us, harping on the facts or dissecting the numbers. Most of us are here for our love of that very scientific process. This strength which sets us apart from other communities can, unfortunately, be our greatest fault. At times, our hypotheses, methods, and even conclusions may differ from those around us. The question, then, is what unites us? Where is the common ground? The answer is as simple as it is elegant: our passion. Though science may be what we love, it
is the love itself that brought us together to form this community. The heart and soul which each member of the ESF community pours into their work, whether it be research, class-work, teaching, or otherwise is what we can always turn to guide and unite us. It is in times of turmoil, conflict, or doubt, that we seem to forget this crucial fact.
With SUNY ESF currently facing heightened tensions within our community, it may be the first inclination of many to turn to that familiar comfort of numbers, calculations, and spreadsheets for answers. Instead, we may need to appeal to our zeal. While our visions for the future of this vibrant institution may differ, we must remind ourselves that they have evolved from that mutual place. For this very reason, I implore our community to emphasize the ardor which inspires us rather
than the decisions that divide us. I implore our community to unite around a spirit which guides us rather than the path which is chosen. I implore our community to set aside differences in opinion and instead focus on the enthusiasm which brought us here. More than that, I implore our community to allow its mutual passion to foster an environment of respect, communication, and professionalism. The science and empiricism we all cherish are what form the backbone of how we care for the earth. During this tumultuous time for our community, we may need to remind ourselves of why we care for the earth, and by extension, why we care for each other. The answer, of course, is passion. Sincerely, Ryan Hicks
Getting to the ROOTS Campus & Environmental News
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A Response to Town Hall
by Eustace B. Nifkin
[Disclaimer: This article was written by a student who attended the Town Hall and wishes to remain anonymous. The opinions stated in this article do not reflect the majority of the student body, The Knothole, or that of the Undergraduate Student Association.] In response to the prompt: What could the administration have done better?
Firstly, the overall tone with which they answered questions was fairly condescending (i.e. explaining how $5 million isn’t a lot of money to an organization). To speak this way to a room of adults- some of whom that have to choose between buying food or textbooks- as if they don’t understand the real world is wrong. I felt that this, in combination with the circular answers and drawn out explanations to simple questions, gave the impression that the forum was merely a publicity stunt. Also when the same question is asked several times, with the same vague answer given, it reinforces the idea that it isn’t the whole story. I understand that Pres. Wheeler literally couldn’t have said anything else about the Department Chairs, but by not telling us that simple fact, it made him look worse. They didn’t speak in plain language, or give straight answers. Why not the department head of ERE? Just say, “We cut off the turnover at ten years, and he has only been in that capacity for seven.”
Overall, their responses gave the impression that we couldn’t understand what was really happening, which made it seem like they were hiding something, or covering something up. It also gave more weight to the rumors and misinformation circulating around campus. In response to the prompt: What stance should students take?
of No Confidence had no effect on the administration and the subsequent lack of accountability on their part, it is not if something like this happens again, but when. In response to the prompt: How do we articulate ourselves as students?
To be honest, I’m worried that I can’t speak for everyone, but any direct email to the administhe meeting last night made me tration will be answered with a feel like the administration can pre-written message forwarded do whatever they want, despite by a secretary. I’m worried that what students and faculty think. not everyone on campus has Faculty were consulted about the same information, as we’ve what they wanted in a new deall heard different things from partment head? That’s far from different members of faculty and asking what they thought about other departments. A lot of peohiring a new one. Students were ple’s concerns went unanswered concerned about finding out that night, and I don’t think anabout this due to social media, other forum would help. I think and not directly? No answer to that one person or organization, that was given, despite the fact possibly USA, should put together that this supposedly happened a written document of concerns before August in order for stufrom the student body. At least to dents to be communicated with get everyone on the same page. (and again, that communication I know that, for instance, the was about input to new chairs, hiring of non-essential adminnot the removal of old ones). istration and creation of such Everyone I have talked to is angry positions being prioritized over about this. Whether we underfinding replacements for educastand all the complexities of it or tors is a huge issue to students. not, we were angry and still are That increasing enrollment withafter last night. And I don’t think out adequate resources, facilities, the administration really cares or class rooms will compromise about how upset the repercusthe quality of education at this sions of this action have made university. That the plan to create the entire campus. Or how bad new buildings such as dining the press is for this university halls and dorms for a school as a result of that (which kind of deeply in the red, is considered a defeats the purpose of trying to bad idea. None of these things, all bring in new students, and put us of which are real concerns, were on the map). Given that the Vote addressed last night.
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photo by Giorgos Mountrakis
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Walking Across the Quad by The Thinking Man
ESF Community:
What is your purpose in coming here? Is it affordability? Ease of travel? Proximity to home? Is it ESF’s quaint size? Devotion to the betterment of this planet? The research opportunities? The professors? The unique classes? The fully-furnished dormitory? Are you the child of alumni? Whatever your purpose in coming here, it is justified or justifiable. What is important is that none of us are here without reason. It matters not whether you love or hate ESF, or fall somewhere in-between. For a very long time, I disliked this school vehemently. I found Syracuse a blemish on the face of the Earth, the classes either pathetically simple or unnecessarily difficult, the labs poorly designed, the student body more eager to rip their neighbors’ throats out for wearing the wrong Halloween costume than to unite with them for a worthy cause. The only redeeming aspects of
ESF – the only reasons I am still here today – were the impeccable faculty and the refreshing, scientifically like-minded community. I write to you today because both of these aspects are under dire threat. Twelve hundred more individuals are coming into our student body; three hundred in every class. If you are like me, from a class of roughly 315, this may as well be labeled properly: a doubling of the student body. But these words will get you labeled a dissenter, a liar, and a propagator of misinformation. A 96% increase in the student body is not a 100% increase. You may as well be fake news. How could a university like ours spontaneously double enrollment? Are that many students even applying each year? Yes, they are. Formerly, those who did not meet our high standards were rejected. Want to double the student body? Slash the standards. When money is the standard of success, quantity will ¬always beat quality. Since the arrival of our university’s new president, there has been a 31% increase in the amount of capital given to administrative positions, as compared to a 7% increase to faculty. In response, last year, a vote of no confidence was issued against the Entomologist-in-Chief. He la-
beled those responsible dissenters, decried their undermining of his administration’s goals, and marched on undeterred. If you find the proposals and actions already committed of this administration repulsive; if you wish to stand alongside the faculty which have stood for you as bastions of student well-being; if you find the simultaneous addition of new, high-paid administrative positions and hiring freeze of new faculty paradoxical and infuriating; if you wish, as I wish, to know every single administrator’s name, job title, wage, and, most crucially, purpose, so that we as a campus can decide collectively their necessity to this campus at the sacrifice of so many other opportunities; if you seek, as I seek, the fair and just treatment of our beloved faculty by an administration which should have the needs and wishes of our professors as goals for which to strive, not obstacles which they must overcome; then do not sit in silence as the ESF community falls to pieces. I will not be here for long. Neither will you. But the faculty who have changed our lives, the community which has shaped us as individuals, and this school as a beacon of environmental activism and justice will last decades beyond our departure. I fight not because it is convenient, but because it is right. Together we can prove to this administration the effectiveness of true activism. I stand with you. -The Thinking Man 11
The Key to Getting People Involved In Politics: A Case Study of SUNY ESF’s Recent Increase In Student Activism In Campus Politics. by Jordan Jessamy
Politics aren’t really a popular subject to bring up. If you go to a party or hang out with a group of friends, there is a list of conversation topics that are generally avoided for the sake of not being a buzzkill: recent tragedies, what is really in fast food, why you secretly hate who your friend is dating, the dark secret from your past that all of you swore never to discuss, and most often avoided politics. There is not anything inherently wrong with the topic. However, for most people it is a highly sensitive subject; discussing your political views to the wrong people can result in unsavory arguments that often lead to no clear winner and both parties becoming pissed off at the other. Some people are very serious about politics, but others simply do not care. They are generally uninformed, with no desire to get involved in what has largely grown into drama. They are uninterested because they think they have no power to make an influence, think that what is going on will not influence them, or have been turned away after
seeing the pressure cooker that politics has become. For this reason, it is so surprising that so many students got up in arms about the recent events involving President Wheeler’s actions since the removal of the department chairs. Resulting actions include the attendance of students at the Town Hall and the still-continuing outpour of desire for action to be done by students in every year group. So many people have been not only made interested, but seem to be willing to actually involve themselves, at least to some degree, in what is happening on campus. Since the Town Hall, there have been talks of a student vote of no confidence against President Wheeler (though it is unlikely to actually occur). What could be bringing about such a change in the students’ behavior? There are multiple possible explanations. It could be because President Wheeler’s actions and lack of direct and concise communication to the student body are more likely to directly impact every student within a short amount of time. It could
Silly SAPS
Satire and Laughs
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be because we are all college students, which automatically means we have the inner desire to just RAGE AGAINST THE MAN like college students have since the seventies. There is also the possibility that people are doing it because the latest trend on campus is to be mad at the school administration. One could even account the divisiveness of recent American political activity trickling down within us, forming into an increased desire to get involved, even in smaller levels of politics. Being a scientist, I investigated this issue closely to see if I could get to the bottom of this mystery. After all, whatever worked on us means that we have a chance to bring out the same desire in other members of our generation to get involved in politics -- not just now, but for the rest of our lives as well. Maybe we could even apply it to younger generations and make a country of citizens actively involved in engaging in our political system. My research has led me to a startling conclusion. The key to creating a more involved populace, which generated such strong desire to act in our student body, was one thing alone: memes. The ESF student Facebook group, “Literal Memes for Forestry Teens” had numerous memes about what was hap-
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pening on campus. Not even just about President Wheeler (but boy was there a lot about President Wheeler before and immediately after the town hall), but even other hot topics on campus like The Microwave. Clearly, though, there is a connection. All of these memes seemed to have somehow triggered this desire within us to act instead of sit on the sidelines. Memes are the future of political advertising. Memes will be the solution to getting our generation and maybe future ones interested in what is going on. No other way could ever possibly work. Those other reasons mentioned earlier? What do they matter? At the end of the day it was clearly memes and nothing else! MEMES CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE. MEMES CAN END THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS. MEMES WILL BRING ABOUT A NEW DAWN FOR MANKIND. SO DON’T STOP MEMEING, NEVER STOP MEMEING OR NOTHING WILL CHANGE. MEME EVERYTHING PEOPLE! MEMES WILL SAVE US FROM CORRUPTION AND HEAL THE SICK, FEED THE HUNGRY, AND BRING WORLD PEACE. MEMES, NOTHING ELSE BUT MEMES, BECAUSE WHAT ELSE MAKES SENSE? MEEEEEMES.
Wheeler oh Wheeler by Anonymous
In all of this administrative turmoil, it seems like students are caught between the lines of fire: administrators on one side, faculty on the other, most of the students opting to side with faculty. But hasn’t the thought occurred at least once in your mind – I know it has in mine – to surrender? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Let’s explore, shall we? And what could be better than exploration? Poetic exploration, in the stylings of a Mr. Theodore Geisel. Wheeler, oh Wheeler On Bray’s Second Floor, Whatever is all this commotion for? Faculty are furious, though scared half to death And students are peeved, Timing town halls to their very last breath. Now some of them say, Wheeler, oh Wheeler A tyrant is he!
But I, yes I, have a proposition for ye: Think back to the Civil War, North versus South And how they settled it all Through just word of mouth.
Unconditional surrender! For the sake of the Union. You step down, we students stop preaching, And faculty do what faculty do best: keep teaching.
The students first, then your post, That’s what you’ve always said. Administrators, silly administrators, Gone in your stead. A school ruled by the thinkers! The doers The students Their mentors Not money And money More money What prudence!
This is not to say You cannot think or do. But you do and think unrightishly – A Seussian word for you. Wheeler, oh Wheeler Not to burst your Bray bubble Sealed up so tight. But Wheeler, oh Wheeler Those three chairs were right.
Thank you and have a nice day. 13
How To Make Yourself More Interesting by Jordan Jessamy
Hi there, do you ever feel insignificant? Perhaps your life is not quite going as you had hoped, you feel unfulfilled with your current place in this vast world. Despite what our lives up until now may have us believe sometimes, we all have potential to do numerous things- to be interesting. However, that requires work, and work sucks. The only thing more important than self-worth is the harsh and often hypocritical light of public perception at the expense of our own individuality. Here is the single greatest strategy that I have found throughout my research that is both innovative and key to being more interesting to others, without making any real life changes:
Stretch the truth How is stretching the truth different from simply lying you may ask? Well, it’s not, but it sounds better. That is the key to making yourself appear more interesting than you really are. It is the perception that matters, not the actual substance. For that reason, when it comes time to share some facts about yourself, it is okay to exaggerate events in your favor. For example: Truth: In middle school I got beat up by a kid half my height. What you say: In middle school I got beat up by a group of highschoolers after valiantly fighting them off to save a friend of mine who was being threatened by them Or even better In middle school I never lost in a fight. Anyone who challengedme soon
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learned the power of my Karate Skills that I learned from my Olympic Medal Karate instructor. I used these skills to protect myself, my friends, old ladies, the president, and puppies trapped in a burning building. Now which sounds more interesting? Clearly you wouldn’t want to tell the truth because that would worsen your perception. Although you could try to derive pity out of your friends with the truth, pity is not always a manipulable tool except for minor coercion. We don’t need minor coercion, we need FULL BLOWN, UNDERHANDED MANIPULATION AND BETRAYAL OF YOUR FRIENDS’ TRUST. Nothing less could ever be accepted. Now stretching the truth goes beyond verbal applications. With this technique you could go about digitally enhancing yourself using the wonders of photoshop! With photoshop you can have photographic proof of having been anywhere at anytime doing anything. Social media as well is a great means for over- exaggerating the quality of your existence: make fake profile updates of having done cool things, add some of those ph toshopped pics to your “Totally Real Stuff That Legitimately Happened” Album, choose “Going” on any and all events within a 10 mile radius of your location and selectively choose which friends to share it to based on their interests. The internet has provided a whole new world [wide web] of opportunities for you to explore to say you have made the changes in your life you have always dreamed of (and will probably continue to) as you make no real changes. Why go through the process of bettering yourself as a person to be the individual you have always wanted to be, when instead you can just pretend to be them. This strategy is less work, with short-term, temporary results. My solution will help hide the problem until you’re reminded what an authentic interesting life is. The simple solution to that is this: start believing your own lies. When your lies I mean exaggerations become convincing enough, you as well may too start believing in them. While none of it may be real, and realistically the problem hasn’t changed and may in fact have gotten worst, you will be blissfully ignorant of the fact. As long as you allow yourself to stay this way and prevent the ever present truth bring you back to reality, you can live a life of artificial joy.
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SILLY SAPS OCTOBER 2016
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THE KNOTHOLE? • Send your articles, poems, creative writing, or art to esfknothole@gmail.com • Add photographs to the ESF GO App • Join us on Thursdays at 6:30 in 314 Baker for meetings!
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