The Express Tribune Magazine-June-20

JUNE 20 - 26 2010

The legend of Shah Ghazi

JUNE 20-26 2010

Cover Story 16 The Legend of Shah Ghazi Karachiites were recently reminded of the Saint’s powers

Feature 20 Top Guns Women in the armed forces are gaining in strength

Portfolio 22 51-A, Ferozepur Road Momin Zafar documents a family home before its demolition

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Food 28 In the Kitchen with Koel Inside an oasis of culinary calm in Karachi

Comment 31 Welcome to Minoristan Minorities have to accept new rules in Majoristan 32 Shoania: An Unseen Transcript Isn’t this what Shoaib and Sania would sound like?

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Review 34 What’s on in films and books

Regulars 6 People & Parties: Out and about with Pakistan’s beautiful people 14 Tribune Questionnaire: Fatima Bhutto on hay fever 38 Courtesy Call: How to wed without disclosing your net worth 40 Horoscope: Shelley von Strunckel on your week ahead 42 Ten Things I Hate About: Health Freaks

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Magazine Editor: Muna Khan, Features Editor: Faiza S. Khan, Senior Sub-Editor: Nadir Hassan, Sub-Editor: Batool Zehra Creative Team: Amna Iqbal, Jamal Khurshid, Essa Malik, Anam Haleem, Tariq Alvi, S. Asif Ali, Sukayna Sadik Publisher: Bilal A. Lakhani. Executive Editor: Muhammad Ziauddin. Editor: Kamal Siddiqi.

For feedback and submissions: magazine@tribune.com.pk

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Sweet Life

Hot Fuzon celebrated its sixth anniversary by organising a private showing of the Indian film Kites at Lahore’s DHA cinema. Hosted

by Maryam and Sikander Khan, the event had models, fashionistas and socialites in attendance.

1. Arooj, Omer Khan and Mehreen 2. Models Ayaan and Natasha 3. Iffat Omer in a Teejays jumpsuit 4. Fatima, Faiza and Nina 5. Sana, Huda and model Noore Bhatty 6. Malaaika Khan with a guest.

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To have your event featured in this section email magazine@tribune.com.pk

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PEOPLE & PARTIES

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1. Mona, Farnaz, Fatima and Ali Kasuri 2. Qurat 3.

Sofia Mirza 4. Mariam Saqib with her brother 5. Uzma Ramzan and Sonia Humayun 6. Ursala 7. Sara Sani and Rima.

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PEOPLE & PARTIES

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Fashion Brigade

The launch of Motifz’ second flagship store in Lahore saw the fashionista brigade out in full force. The store was inaugurated by US Consul General Carmela Conroy.

1. Seher, Sonia, Sadaf and Shazia 2. Ayaan 3. Annie and Natasha 4. Guests flank Aliya Fawad Khan, Carmela Conroy and Sania 5. Ruby and Sarah Khan 6. Seher Latif and Mehr 7. Asad Mirza and Sara Gandapur.

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PEOPLE & PARTIES

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1. Mehreen, Sonia, Sana Bhatty and Rida 2. Saim and Sadaf Khan 3.Designer Fahad Hussayn with Sarah Gillani 4. Fiza Ali 5. Sania with designer duo Asifa and Nabeel 6. Maashi and Rosemin Khan 7. Aimen, Turab and Salma.

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Lawn Launch

Frilz showcased their range of lawn prints at an event held at Lahore’s Royal Palm Golf and Country Club.

1. Saira Omer Zia, Fatima Butt, Daneese and Nazi 2. Aliha with a friend 3. Faraz Mannan 4. Emaan, Shireen and Ayesha 5. Asad Mirza 6. Saadieh and Naila Ishtiaq 7. Arun and Fia 8. Rima Farid with a guest.

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Photo: IANS

JUNE 20-26 2010

“I despise the corrupt, who believe that power is an excuse for violence and injustice.”

Writer Fatima Bhutto wishes she was immune to high hay fever, loathes dictators and identifies with Micheal Corleone (in Part I, not Part II).

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Where would you most like to live?

Justice.

Karachi, always. It’s my city by the sea.

What is your greatest fear?

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

That power and violence conspire so that injustice prevails.

Corruption, moral, political and financial. It is the absence of

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Silence.

On what occasion do you lie?

dignity and justice.

If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?

I would do what I do, writing, thank you very much.

There’s never a good reason, though I know (did I say know? I meant,

What is your most marked characteristic?

am related to) a few congenital liars who would disagree with me...

You’d have to ask those closest to me, but I think I have moxie.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Who is your hero of fiction?

As a teenager I felt I had been robbed of great height. I’m fine

Atticus Finch.

now though.

Which living person do you most despise?

I despise the corrupt, who believe that power is an excuse for

violence and injustice, those who follow the dictates of fear over

principles, David Miliband, proponents of censorship, Ariel Sharon and bigots of all persuasions.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Warm heart, clean hands, cool mind. Obviously that includes a

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

At a talk on Songs of Blood and Sword in London recently, the moderator was Michael Radford, a great director. He told me he had

worked with Al Pacino and that I reminded him of Michael Corleone (the early days, Part I not Part II - that’s an important distinction that mafia movie fans will appreciate). I’m not sure he meant it as a compliment, but I took it as one.

Who are your heroes in real life?

sense of humour and some serious IQ points.

Dennis Dalton, my mother Ghinwa, my brothers Zulfi and Mir

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

who brought the world’s attention to the citizens disappeared by

Bravery, independence and ethics. The ability to be a trailblazer.

Same as above really.

Ali, Malcolm X, Seymour Hersh, Fred Hampton, the Pakistanis

the state as part of the war on terror, all those who fight against the violence of their states, Henry Porter, Dr Mubashir Hasan.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

What’s your favourite quote?

Depends on who I’m talking to. Basically, mind your own

“The struggle of people against power is the struggle of memory

Which talent would you most like to have?

How many hours of loadshedding did you experience yesterday?

High hay fever immunity, I’ve decided that’s a talent worth

As I’m on my book tour I’ve managed to escape KESC’s criminal

beeswax.

having.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My embarrassing turn in regards to Twitter. I love it, but I sincerely hope it’s just a phase.

against forgetting” Milan Kundera.

loadshedding, which is no longer a summer feature but a year

round delight. That said, while in Bangalore I had about a minute’s worth of loadshedding (it was impressively short), and last week while in a London cinema the bijli went and the film reel burned. I felt blissfully at home. a

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COVER STORY

the legend of

shah ghazi

BY AROOSA MASROOR

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALI KHURSHID

Phet 0 Abdullah Shah Ghazi 1 This is what a visitor posted on The Express Tribune website the week tropical cyclone Phet was expected to hit Karachi. While a good portion of the city’s residents felt compelled to move from the coastline, worried about the destruction Phet might bring, hundreds flocked to Abdullah Shah Ghazi’s shrine with their binoculars as if to challenge the cyclone.

“This place was full of people,” says the shrine’s caretaker Sardar Ahmed, pointing towards the

corridor outside the shrine that overlooks Clifton beach. Much to the amusement of these visitors, the cyclone eventually fizzled out, an act most people attribute to the saint’s blessings.

“We knew the cyclone would not strike Karachi. It never has. Only those who have faith in this

saint firmly believe this,” says Ahmed, who now refers to the saint as Shehenshah.

He also rubbishes the claim that a wall of the shrine broke due to the high-pressure winds and

heavy rainfall on June 5, a night before the cyclone was expected to hit Karachi’s coastline. “Only a small shed fell off. The media should stop exaggerating; they need to verify what actually happened,” he adds, resentfully.

One of the sweepers, Saleem Michael, was on special duty at the shrine that day. According to a

legend, the shrine of Shah Ghazi should be kept clean and well-maintained to protect the city from a deadly sea storm. “My wife did panic for a bit, but I had to be here,” says Michael. He has been working at the shrine for about 17 years and firmly believes in its power.

Caretakers at the shrine added that the number of devotees who turned up at the mazaar to pay

homage to the saint increased. Sardar Ahmed observed the same thing after the two storms in 2006, which were supposedly deflected by the Sufi saint to the Indian city of Gujarat when they

were just 12 hours away from Karachi’s coast. In fact no tropical disaster has hit Karachi’s coast in the past thousand years because of the shrine’s blessing. Or so innumerable Karachiites believe.

COVER STORY

>> OTHER SAINTS Patron saints, having ascended to the metaphysical, are believed to protect the living from everything – from earthquakes to thunderstorms.

Emygdius of Ascoli - has been invoked against earthquakes since 1703.

Agrippina of Mineo – is invoked against evil spirits, leprosy, thunderstorms, bacterial diseases, and bacterial infections Florian – the patron saint of Poland is invoked against fire, floods and drowning.

Saint Maximin – the fifth bishop of Trier is invoked as protection against loss at sea and destructive rains.

the saint and the sea Many say that peoples’ faith in the saint is not entirely un-

founded. Legend has it that Abdullah Shah Ghazi was able to control the sea waters using a bowl in the sea and ordering it to remain calm. “This was done to help the fishermen who ap-

proached him because they were unable to earn their livelihood in the rough sea,” narrates Ahmed.

The saint is believed to have pressed the bowl from both sides

in the sea while narrating a prayer, asking for the waters to remain calm. A few hours later, the fishermen were back at work.

It was perhaps due to this belief that most fishermen in Sindh

chose to ignore the warnings issued by the Pakistan Meteorological Department and the Tropical Cyclone Warning Centre, while residents along Sea View evacuated their homes.

“A lot of people rubbish these myths, but if one traces the his-

tory of this shrine they will realise that there is some truth to it,”

says a devotee, who prefers to be known as Allahrakha. It was evident from his long hair and unkempt beard that Allahrakha

was a malang but he had yet another interesting fact to share.

“Have you ever wondered why the water of the entire Arabian Sea

is brackish, but what trickles behind the shrine is sweet? This is the miraculous holy water that cures ailments of people who

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visit the shrine.”

JUNE 20-26 2010

the history of shah ghazi Born in the year 720 in one of the holiest cities in Islam, Ma-

dina, Abdullah Shah Ghazi was the great grandson of the Holy Prophet (pbuh) from the historical tribe of Bani Hashim. He was

educated in Madina until the year 760 when he migrated to Sindh

as a merchant. He was given a warm welcome as he belonged to the Saadat family, one of the noblest in Islam.

Another version of Shah Ghazi’s life has been given by the

internationally acclaimed scholar and historian, Dr Umar Bin

Mohammad Daudpota . According to him, Abdullah Shah’s real name was General Abdulla bin Nabhan. He, along with Badil bin

Tuhafa, another commander, launched a military expedition against Raja Dahir, the local ruler who was encouraging pirates

to raid Arab ships. Consequently, war ensued at Debil, modern day Karachi.

Later, the mission was entrusted to Muhammad Bin Qasim.

While the young commander forged ahead to Multan, Abdullah Shah continued to live in Sindh with the people he loved, teach-

ing them the principles of Islam and spreading his love for hu-

manity. Back then Sindh had plenty of wildlife — ibex, urial, blue bull, gazelle and deer — and Abdullah Shah was fond of hunting. One day, in his passion for hunting, Abdullah Shah

wandered far from the base and was intercepted by the enemy.

Out-numbered, he preferred to fight rather than surrender. Be-

cause of this display of valor, he was given the title of Ghazi (Vic-

among the believers The saint is believed to have pressed the bowl from both sides in the sea while narrating a prayer, asking for the waters to remain calm. A few hours later, the fishermen were back at work

torious).

He died in 773 and was buried near the sea in Karachi. His tomb

is built on a very high platform, but the actual grave is below the stairs. His mazaar attracts a steady stream of devotees for a number of reasons: for preaching love and tolerance, and warding off

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tropical disasters. As recent events show, it seems to work. a

JUNE 20-26 2010

top

guns

More women are vying for positions in the armed services and no task, however challenging, is going to deter them from reaching for the skies TEXT AND PHOTOS BY MALIHA MANSOOR

Coming from places as varied as Mardan, Multan and Hyderabad, the first trendsetting batch of lady cadets were very enthusiastic — they wouldn’t have got this far without enthusiasm. There may have been some apprehension with regard to taking on the responsibility of being the first entrants in their field, but any fears the women had were well-hidden and proved baseless as the unit proved highly competent in all disciplines, from theoretical military subjects to the strenuous soldier training, alongside their male counterparts.

“Being the first batch of Lady Officers, we felt the onus of re-

sponsibility from the very first day; and we continue feeling the

same way even today when around 200 lady officers have entered the mainstream army and the 7th Lady Cadet Course is all poised

to pass out from the Academy,” says Captain Sonya, currently ap-

pointed as instructor in the Pakistan Military Academy’s English Department.

With time, the number of applicants vying for the prestigious

armed forces service has swelled considerably. Women are successfully entering the Pakistan Army to serve in different disci-

plines — from engineering to law to languages to information technology — in various capacities.

“For some of us the inspiration comes either from having a fa-

ther or brother in the armed forces. But it is essentially the lure of the khaki uniform,’’ says Captain Saba, who is serving as the assistant platoon commander with the 7th batch of LCs in the Pakistan Military Academy, Abbottabad.

“And of course it is no secret that the Pakistan Army means a

life of discipline and prestige that no other field can match up to.

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Really we feel proud and honoured to be part of this great institution.”

The selected candidates, who must possess evidence of higher

education (either Master’s degrees or Bachelors with Honours)

are required to undergo a strenuous six-month regime before they can attain the rank of captain. ‘‘We are required to take combat

training and study subjects such as field firing, map-reading and military tactics, and then be able to practically demonstrate our

knowledge. This also includes digging trenches and learning to survive on a bare minimum in severe weather conditions.”

The women are unanimous in claiming that unlike well-pub-

licised incidents of the sort in America, the women officers of

Pakistan’s armed forces have never faced sexual harassment, or indeed, any difficulty in working with their predominantly male

counterparts. Captain Sonia insists that the Pakistan army is too disciplined for this sort of ugly situation to occur.

When asked if a conventional marriage remains a priority,

what with the rigours of their work, the level of commitment

leading the way The women officers are required to undergo a strenuous six-month regime before they can attain the rank of captain. They take combat training and study subjects such as field firing, map-reading and military tactics. Then they demonstrate their practical knowledge by digging trenches and learning to survive on a bare minimum in severe weather conditions

involved, and the rotating posts which involve army personnel

moving every two-to-three years, Captain Wajiha who got mar-

ried a couple of years ago and now has a one-year-old daughter

says, “This is not the priority when you opt for the job; but yes, one has to look into the issue realistically.

“We have examples of lady officers who have got married to

Army and Air Force officers as well as girls who’ve found hus-

bands in government jobs,” she explains. “To date, things have worked out pretty well for all of us. You see, you have to resolve

problems and if there is a sincere will and determination to be just to your cause on your part, fate paves the way.” a

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PORTFOLIO

51-A, Ferozepur Road PHOTOGRAPHY & TEXT BY MOMIN ZAFAR

In 1947, its Hindu owners flung belongings into the well as they fled. A doll was found there, my mother remembers; I remember it too. And this is where the earthworms rise each monsoon, this is where the calf was kept … This is where we spilt ourselves.

Even before its sanctification, this was a congregational space: visitor or resident, each paid joyous homage to familyhood and friendship. In my mind, we went there for every vacation: twice

a year, three glorious months in all. No, my mother reminds me, it wasn’t quite so. Still, that feels right: it is the other home.

Over the 18 years since my grandfather died, parts of the house

were closed off or became inaccessible. Stairs crumbled, roofs

caved in, plants grew thick. In the original kitchen and pantry, cratefuls of empty Coke and Sprite bottles—unfailingly stocked for grandchildren— gathered cobwebs and dust.

It was extraordinary for its history and love—both the love for

it and that borne within. How, then, does one explain this aban-

donment? A new equilibrium, a new order. It will be demolished soon enough. We have been sorrowful over this but in an oblique way, as though we have only half-recognised the truth.

Places that once terrified with their darkness are flooded with

light. The playroom floor is strewn with rubble from the ceil-

ing. And, in a passionate olfactory return of devotion, Arabian

jasmine and Rangoon creeper are entwining themselves with

the present. So, as with everything that is not ours alone, there must come a time and way to yield. The presence of such transformation and loss fascinates as it fractures. a

Step right in

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(Above) Sunbathing arachinids, (Below) Dust covers

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PORTFOLIO

Stairway to nostalgia (Above left) Crateful of memories, (Bottom left) West open window

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Familiar debris

Sylvan shadows

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PORTFOLIO

Secret window

The peephole

Forgotten door

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Empty garage JUNE 20-26 2010

Fond farewell

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FOOD

in the kitchen

with koel

PHOTOS BY NOOR JAVERI

BY MOHSIN SIDDIQUI

28 JUNE 20-26 2010

Koel may on the outside seem airy and sylvan, an oasis of calm located off one of Karachi’s busiest streets. But what the white-washed furniture and drooping frangipani trees tend to conceal is the focused, precise knowledge that has turned what was once a home-furnishings store and art-gallery into one of Karachi’s most popular restaurants.

Rasikh Ismail, who opened this café in the gallery space that goes by the same name, is a veteran

restaurateur. That comes across clearly in his discussion of how Koel Café came about, and more importantly, how it has undergone unexpected — and dramatic — growth. Experienced in working

with the Cupola Restaurants group, Ismail swears that when he was thinking about Koel, all that

he intended was to set up a small place, the kind of operation that serves a few dozen people per day and would be the sort of venue where one could just come, have a quiet bite and relax.

His plan to serve about 30 people per day failed, but in a most spectacular manner. Currently

serving an average of a hundred people daily, Koel has wound up becoming one of the more popular

venues in Karachi, with a range of menu offerings that start with breakfast items and head all the way across to a late-night dinner.

“We tried out things at home,” Ismail comments, when I ask how the reasonably eclectic menu

at Koel came about. “For two or three months, we cooked at our house, trained our staff there in

not just preparing the food, but also serving it. That’s how we ran our trial by fire — if we couldn’t serve it to our friends and family, and do it well, we knew that a restaurant would be out of reach.”

The menu at Koel is interesting, to say the least. Mostly comprised of desi or desi-inspired items

(such as sandwiches made using kulchas instead of sliced bread), it manages to cater to everybody.

And with the addition of a breakfast menu, the range of offerings has increased tremendously, and it’s hard to imagine how that came about. From omelettes in the morning to dhoklas and paneer

salads in the afternoon, or teriyaki chicken in the evening, the sheer variety of dishes in an admittedly limited menu beggars attempts to categorise Koel as a particular type of venue. Unlike many

restaurants, most of which pick one or two broad food palates and focus on developing dishes in

keeping with their “core” themes, Koel runs a full gamut of items that let you nosh, indulge or just linger over some good conversation.

“The whole point,” he explains, “was to have the sort of place where I would want to come and

spend an afternoon having a coffee and talking to friends or reading. But we wound up becoming

far more popular than we had expected. We had to pick up the pace, and as we expanded, reality kicked in, and we had to start thinking about the increased complexity that comes with scaling up

something. We started by realising that you have to set up a price-point. You have to think about

what people like to eat, what you like to eat, and how you can bring that across. But really, it’s a business that you’re running, so it’s all about taking cash to the bank. We never thought about how much of a mark-up to put on our dishes to make the most money possible; in fact, we’re cheaper

than most comparator restaurants, but we can only do that because we thought about our price-

points, we went to places like Sabzi Mandi to figure out what was in season and what menu we could create around it; and really, what worked for us was to approach the issue backwards. We

thought “Here’s what we want to serve; how can we do it, and how can we afford it?” Once that was done, we reverse-engineered the process and decided to go with what made sense to us, both from a sense of taste and a business perspective.”

As with the other restaurants mentioned in past articles from this series, Koel also attributes

its success to having a very structured set of controls and systems in place. In addition to a master schedule (or as Ismail puts it, “who’s doing what, when and where?”), there is also an amazing

amount of exactitude that comes into preparing the food. “You have to be strict with your recipes,” he says says firmly. “Portions and measurements are important, so that you know how much you

>> Food, glorious food In addition to a master schedule (or as Ismail puts it, “who’s doing what, when and where?”), there is also an amazing amount of exactitude that comes into preparing the food.

“You have to be strict with your recipes,” he says says firmly.

“Portions and measurements are important, so that you know how much you have in place, what your delivery can look like for the day, and how many plates of something you can send out.” <<

have in place, what your delivery can look like for the day, and how many plates of something you can send out.”

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More than anything else though — and much like the opinions shared by other restaurateurs — JUNE 20-26 2010

FOOD

delectable delicacies From omelettes in the morning to dhoklas and paneer salads in the afternoon, or teriyaki chicken in the evening, the sheer variety of dishes in an admittedly limited menu beggars attempts to categorise Koel as a particular type of venue

the one key component of getting everything right is the people.

“You have no idea how difficult it is to find good staff,” comes a muffled groan. “It’s so hard to

find people with restaurant experience, and it’s even tougher to keep them around. One day you

open, the next day you’re empty because some new place has poached your staff.” But people issues aren’t just related to the kitchen staff. A typical new waiter can’t cope with more than three or four people at a time; someone slightly more seasoned can handle about six guests simultaneously.

Beyond that, issues start to come up, and so to cope with a rise of volumes, constant emphasis on training and hiring new staff is key.

Ismail is slightly unique in his approach though. “I don’t necessarily always look for the most

experienced people,” he says very seriously. “The personality and the attitude are more important to

me. You can teach someone how to become a good server, but if at a grassroots level, you’re hiring

staff who don’t look presentable or can’t smile and engage with your customers, it doesn’t matter.

This is a hospitality industry: people have to feel welcome and your front of house and wait-staff

are the only people who will do that.” He sits back. “You can’t be in this business if you can’t manage people.”

With the way Koel has grown in the last year or two, it’s no surprise that Ismail is so focused on

systems and individuals: the human capital that really works to make Koel successful is closely tied to the actual equipment and the menu. And in the café business, rather than in fine dining or

coffee-houses, what really drives growth is the combination of cuisine and comfort. It’s a fine line

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that Koel manages to walk, perhaps not always with ease, but certainly with flair. a JUNE 20-26 2010

COMMENT You know if you ask me, this whole thing about minorities is getting a little old. Every time there’s a genocidal event all these wishy-washy condemnations and disgustingly lukewarm apologies saying “Today I too am a minority” are spewed out through the media megalopolis via countless talking faces representing all leading political factions as they build up a cacophonic opera of disharmony on mediums ranging from press conferences to Twitter outbursts .

The way I see it, the issue of majority and minority goes way back into bowels of history. But the

problem started when the “Western Imperialists” brought with them all these ideologues about liberalism, and equality, and all that contradictory nonsense. See the way we used to do things

before all that was simpler and much more effective. Back then, it was the minority that ruled over the oppressed Majority with pomp and glamour, proudly displaying their superior culture, civilisation and all that.

welcome to minoristan Even back in the day when the Dravidians used to inhabit these soils, it was the fair skinned Ary-

BY ASIF AKHTAR ILLUSTRATION: S.JAMAL.K

an minority who came from up north to force the darker skinned natives into submission. Therein lie the origins of the caste system, right from the unreachable heights of minority to the untouchable depths of majority. When Islam graced these fair parts, it was not only the oppressed minorities who were the first to embrace this new way of life, it was in fact minorities who ruled over the entire kingdom of Hindustan in the subsequent Mughal Empire.

Up to this point minority rule was a way of doing things which had worked for centuries. It’s

when those darned Britishers came to rule over the “Subcontinent” as yet another minority when they infected our mentalities with high-flung morals like equal rights and all. Sure, we were all equal under the Imperial Sun, but we didn’t buy any of that I tell you! Because deep down inside we

knew that it was all crap. When the British were packing up to leave, we realised that the tables had

turned, in a democratic state being a minority was the worst thing possible. So we decided to make a last ditch effort to win ourselves Pakistan, a land where Muslims would be the be-all Majority, and end-all Authority.

Look, our ancestors got us the right and privilege of majority with great sacrifices of blood and

sweat. It’s called the land of the pure for a reason, why should we tolerate any particulate minor impurities? Instead of witnessing occasional small genocidal flare-ups, and then having an identity crises over it, we should just own up to the fact that this country is designed for a Muslim Majority

rule. Hell, we even got rid of the Bengali Majority to become the only Majority, so we should go ahead and put an end to the whole minority question once and for all.

Of course minorities should have realised by now that life pretty much sucks for them here. So

here’s my three-step solution to do things the right way. First step, let’s send out nice letters to

all minority groups scattered over the country to come under the fold of Majority Islam, that way everyone will be a Majority, and everyone will be Muslim. Second step, minorities who refuse our gracious request have two options: either they can relocate themselves to countries which are more

tolerant of minority existences, or they can stay here and fight like our ancestors for a free and separate Minoristan (it goes without saying they won’t get it). Since that’ll be another territorial

dispute, we should observe a certain grace period, and let the minorities leave quietly before the final step kicks in. Third step, we systematically eradicate all remaining minorities so we have the ultimate Majority Muslim country where everyone is happy, and no one is a minority. a

JUNE 20-26 2010

COMMENT

shoania: unseen transcripts

BY A A SHEIKH

As a print and TV reporter with extensive experience with both Expressive News and Aah News, and a surreally bilingual stint at Yawn News as well, I had the privilege to cover the most intimate contact ever between long-time foes India and Pakistan. Yes, I am referring to the Shoania wedding, specifically the coupleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brief sojourn in Pakistan. I was not part of the rabid media frenzy many of my colleagues subjected the travelling wedding circus to, heckling and cajoling the couple for a mere word or two from their prized mouths.

No, I adopted a more innovative approach.

I bugged them in the other sense of the word.

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With the help of some sophisticated gadgetry I managed to

tap into some of their most intimate and revealing conversations during their stay in the country. The lack of a suitably exorbitant price for the transcripts prevented me from revealing these earlier. With that condition now satisfactorily met, I present before

you some of the exchanges that took place in a multiple-star

Lahore hotel suite during the couple’s first night in the city. I will release the audio clips of the same soon, once arrangements with the highest bidder are finalised. Here are some excerpts:

Sania: Oh Shabby, Shabby! Pakistan is so backward, so inse-

cure! And the crowds…ugh! You just had to bring me here! Of all places!

good. Let’s just say it was…a big unforced error of judgement on my part! I’m so over it.

Sania: I hope so! Otherwise I’d just…lob you out of my life! But

Shabby, tell me one thing, were you, like, ever in love with her?

(Long non-dramatic pause.)

Shoaib: Ow! Don’t pinch me! I’m telling, I’m telling!

Sania: Tell already!

Shoaib: Well, let’s just say, in the beginning, she just bowled

me out. I was young, I was inexperienced. I was a cricketer, for heaven’s sake!

Sania: (Snorts)

Shoaib: Look darling, I really was young, I didn’t know left

Shoaib: I’m so sorry Sunny-honey! I agree with you totally,

from right back then. That’s why I got hit for sixes so much. All I

had no idea the journalists would be so intrusive and the people

matches. She just caught me off guard, really. I miscued. Let’s

but darling, really, it’s not my fault the country is the way it is; I so loving.

Sania: Of course it’s your fault! It’s your double fault! We

could’ve easily had the whole wedding in Hyderabad. Why did

knew was cricket. I devoted all my energy to winning and fixing just…drop this whole thing.

Sania: Ok, Shubby hubby. Consider it dropped.

Shoaib: And please, please be more receptive to the doting

we have to come to this hellhole!

crowds. They really like you. The Urdu press has already dubbed

home ground, after all. Please don’t make such a racket!

little…

Shoaib: Well, I was born here you know, darling, this is my Sania: (Grunt!) I don’t make rackets, I break them! In any case,

home ground or not, I’m really fed up with Pakistan and Paki-

stanis! The whole lot. I mean, remember that weirdo that came to Hyderabad...that minister of population or something. What a horrid man!

Shoaib: Er...honey, that was a woman.

Sania: What! Are you sure? With a name like Ashiq and a face

like...oh never mind! But can you imagine...she brought us a contraceptive kit! As a wedding gift from your government!

Shoaib: We do have a serious population problem, darling.

Sania: That’s ‘cause that’s your national pastime. I mean with

all the loadshedding and the boring long dark hours....what do you expect?

Shoaib: But darling, India has a larger population than...

Sania: Oh shut up Shabby! I’m never ever coming here again!

(Half a sob). And I’ve had it with your media-wallahs too! They

harassed me so much! I wanna serve them with big lawsuits, the lot of them.

Shoaib: Honey, to begin with, you are not known for big serves.

That’s more Serena-like. Second, maybe if you’d just smile a little in public, show some appreciation for all the attention and love we’re getting…some acknowledgement...

Sania: Shabby! How dare you! Don’t ever, ever talk about the

Williamses to me. And let me remind you, I’m not here to show appreciation; I do that in India only. Besides, it serves your me-

dia and others right…they made such a furore over that Ayesha affair…ugh!

Shoiab: Precious, let’s just forget that whole Ayesha thing for

you Bhabi-e-Millat and Malka-e-Racket. If you showed just a Sania: Shut up, Shabby!

Shoaib: (Whimpers) Ok Sunny.

(Long, pensive silence.)

Sania: Shabby, when are we going to Islamabad again?

Shoaib: Why honey? Do you like the place?

It’s really pretty isn’t it? Scenic, peaceful…

Sania: No dumbo! I wanna go to the Indian

High Commission again. It’s my favourite-most place in your country.

Shoaib: Our country, darling.

Sania: Your country, Shabby.

Shoaib: Ow! Ok, ok, my country. Don’t

pinch me! It hurts! We’ll go to Islamabad soon, don’t worry. I’ll book a suite in Serena Hotel…

Sania: Shabby!

Shoaib: OW! What now hon-

ey? Please don’t pinch me I tell you it really hurts!

Sania: I told you, don’t ever,

ever mention the Williamses!

Shoaib: (Whimpers) Roger,

darling. Whatever you say.

Sania: Oh yes! You can mention him all you want! Yes, oh yes, anytime, anytime! a

REVIEW

featured review of the week

book

the pleasure principle

BY SASCHA AKHTAR

When being put through the rack of creative writing workshops one can become increasingly aware to the point of paranoia of the idea of, “the anxiety of influence”. When thinking about writing a novel, or a poem one is forced to second-guess every idea, in order not to regurgitate even subconsciously what is already out there. A writer also needs to read, to know what has already been said, what stories have already been told. This is not to say that the same stories cannot be told, far from it. In fact, often the best stories are those that are familiar to humanity at large, re-told with the writer’s own stamp on them. It is the new voice, the craft that makes them new.

There are however, writers who may not put themselves through this torture, who may keep themselves in a state of blissful ignorance, utterly unaware of the world of literature. Or they may simply believe single-mindedly in the importance of telling their story. I’m not sure exactly which group Tishani Doshi belongs to but on reading The Pleasure Seekers, it feels like she has either read nothing that has gone before her or everything that has gone before her in the same ilk and decided to emulate it with not one iota of originality.

In 1968, Babo from Madras goes to London. Babo meets Sian from Wales. Babo’s parents find out, shock and horror, a white woman! They trick him into returning. Babo and Sian pine. Sian gets on a plane and goes to India to live out her days as a cultural transplant. That’s pretty much the whole story. After being roped into the initial high-drama and wondering, despite oneself, if Babo and Sian will make it, there isn’t much more the book has to commend itself to the reader once one finds out that they do. We are faced with an interminable examination of the lives of Babo and

34 JUNE 20-26 2010

desperately seeking originality It feels like Tishani Doshi has either read nothing that has gone before her or everything that has gone before her in the same ilk and decided to emulate it with not one iota of originality

Sian and their respective families post-marriage. Their offspring could ostensibly have generated some excitement if for no other reason than their mixed ethnicity, but even this desperate “excitement” never arrives.

There are endless passages hinting at some looming disaster in the future to break up the happy family antics (that are described in painful detail also and are self-consciously bittersweet) but despite broken hearts, deaths, abortions and even earthquakes, I was not moved enough to believe anything justified the “hints”, or even for that fact the novel. Every single cliché that writers in English of the subcontinent rally against is present in The Pleasure Seekers, which may, sadly, explain, why so many respectable UK publications are happy to favourably review it.

I do not believe that writers should paralyse themselves and not write at all. Creative writing programmes can be notoriously brutal, however, there is something to be said for the caveat that was drummed into my head: characters need to have reasons to be, other than that they are based on actual people and those people are “like this only”. It is the writer’s job to dig deeper. If your protagonist is deaf/Irani/married/insane, why is he deaf/Irani/married/ insane, in the context of the story and its arc, other than the fact that you want him to be deaf/Irani/married/insane? Doshi makes no secret of the fact that she based the novel on the love-letters of her parents and that the story follows her family’s story. My question, ‘why did she do it?’ is not a rhetorical one. I simply did not see the raison d’etre. Perhaps the better question would be why did I read it?

Babo from Madras goes to London. Babo meets Sian from Wales. Babo’s parents find out, shock and horror a white woman!

They trick him into returning.

Babo and Sian pine. Sian gets on a plane and goes to India to live out her days as a cultural transplant.

That’s pretty much the whole story.

Five novels about Asian immigrants in the UK 1. The Buddha of Suburbia — Hanif Kureishi 2. White Teeth — Zadie Smith 3. Life isn’t all Ha Ha Hee Hee — Meera Syal 4. Maps for Lost Lovers — Nadeem Aslam 5. Brick Lane — Monica Ali

35 JUNE 20-26 2010

REVIEW

film hero worship

BY BATOOL ZEHRA

Superheroes are easy to make fun of: they dress weird, they have dark, twisted histories, serious personality defects, and their real life sucks. But Kick-Ass goes beyond the superficialities of a spoof and delves deeply into the strengths and flaws of superheroes.

There are so many levels on which this movie could have failed, but against all odds, it succeeds.

The premise of the movie is novel — a teenager wonders why nobody tries to be a superhero and makes it his business to dress up in a wet suit and help strangers. This intriguing idea might have been stretched too thin over this two-hour fare if Dave (Aaron Johnson), a comic book fan, hadn’t been the perfect commentator.

As the hero whose only superpower, as he says, is being invisible to girls, the futility and inanity of Dave’s life is explicated right at the beginning. For a while it seems that the movie will flounder in a sea of American Pie humour and embarrassingly bad jokes about teenage boyhood.

But with the introduction of the father and daughter duo of Damon Macready (Nicolas Cage) and Mindy Macready (Chloe Grace Moretz), the plot marches crisply forward. The Macreadys are the real crime-fighting superheroes — they don’t have any superpowers but, like Batman, they have loads of expensive gadgets. Mindy, a mere 11-year-old, has been trained since childhood by her father, a former cop, in the subtleties of weapons to wage war against the local druglord (played by Mark Strong, who’s been busy being a bad guy in various movies this year). They are the ones who don their costumes — purple wig for Hit Girl, false moustache for Big Daddy, capes and masks for both — and assume their alter egos with a poignant single-mindedness.

It takes a while to figure out which way the movie is going: first it seems as if it’s going to be a facile spoof, then it looks as if it might become a failed attempt at satire. Making a superhero movie to make fun of superheroes is not a cinch, but Kick-Ass, despite the 36 veneer of comedy, is not out to provide just laughs. It is a considJUNE 20-26 2010

freaks and geeks Dave is not simply a bumbling foil to the Macreadys’ violent finesse.

His whiny accent and geeky looks might not be in his favour but he is an intelligent observer and commentator on the lives of superheroes and if he dons a ridiculous wet suit it is for the sake of first-hand knowledge ered look at the lives of superheroes from the point of view of a comic book reader. Dave is not simply a bumbling foil to the Macreadys’ violent finesse. His whiny accent and geeky looks might not be in his favour but he is an intelligent observer of and commentator on the lives of superheroes and if he dons a ridiculous wet suit it is for the sake of first-hand knowledge.

What follows is a weirdly entertaining discourse on superheroes.

From the clothing, to the dark pasts, to the concept of vigilante justice, to the expensive gadgets this is one movie which takes care of all elements of superhero movies. In the course of his adventures, Dave does find an answer to his initial question: people don’t step in to help strangers because they have to think about the people they love. Despite all of this, the movie has some high adrenaline face offs amd thrilling violence. Its most impressive achievement is that it manages to be a superhero film and a nuanced comment on the genre at the same time.

favourite read of vengeful counts and captains

BY MUSHARRAF ALI FAROOQI

“Should I ever get out of prison, and find a printer courageous enough to publish what I have composed, my literary reputation is forever secured.” Thus spake Abbé Faria to fellow prisoner Edmond Dantès about his life’s work, a treatise on Italian monarchy, closely written on strips from two linen shirts, and as many handkerchiefs, with blood, soot, and red wine. It would have made “one large quarto volume.”

But who could blame Edmond Dantès for showing greater interest in another one of Abbé’s works — a rope-ladder “between twenty-five to thirty feet in length” that could help him drop to his freedom, and fulfil his oath of vengeance against his enemies.

When I first read The Count of Monte Cristo, I was struck not by its celebration of revenge, but how cleverly Alexander Dumas had demonstrated vengeance as a basic human need, not merely a powerful passion.

It reminded me of another book that was published shortly after The Count of Monte Cristo. It also focussed on one man’s revenge, except it was not directed at human beings but towards a fish called Moby-Dick. The Count’s power and reach though is as improbable and mythical as that of the leviathan.

But while Edmond Dantès swims in the Parisian society and strikes at will like the hand of Providence, he is no Moby Dick — he becomes Providence himself: Here Dumas seems to play with the premise that justice itself is only a mechanism that enables victims to exact vengeance. And even though the Count pursues his enemies with single-minded relentlessness, he is no Captain Ahab.

The Captain’s vengeance is an end in itself. The vision of Captain Ahab’s corpse united with the dead fish represents the full requital of this vengeance. It is a cold redemption if it can be called one.

Edmond Dantès’ vengeance was only a means toward redemption, even if it does not appear so in the beginning, as we gleefully wait for the Count to strike while he plans and plots against his enemies. Dantès’ real struggle is revealed in this passage where he

don’t get mad; get even Dumas demonstrated vengeance as a basic human need, not a powerful passion, playing with the premise that justice itself is only a mechanism that enables victims to exact vengeance discloses his identity to the last of his remaining enemies: “I am he whom you sold and dishonoured — I am he whose betrothed you prostituted, — I am he upon whom you trampled that you might raise yourself to fortune, — I am he whose father you condemned to die of hunger, — I am he whom you also condemned to starvation, and who yet forgives you, because he hopes to be forgiven — I am Edmond Dantès!”

With these words Dantès reclaims his humanity.

In the final analysis The Count of Monte Cristo is a celebration of redemption — a redemption arrived at through vengeance. It is a bloody redemption. But it makes Dantès no less of a hero.

It is only toward the end that we realise how deeply Dumas has seen into the human soul. A lot had happened between Dantès and the woman he loved. They both know that he had destroyed her family. Renewing their love vows at that point would have been bad form, perhaps. So the author is perfectly justified in ending the book where he does. And yet, as we close the book satisfied as Monte Cristo walks away from the love of his life, we unwillingly attest that the satisfaction of revenge equals or surpasses the contentment of requited love. a THE WRITER IS A NOVELIST AND TRANSLATOR WHOSE PUBLISHED WORK INCLUDES THE STORY OF A WIDOW, THE ADVENTURES OF AMIR HAMZA AND THE HOSHRUBA SERIES.

37 JUNE 20-26 2010

ADVICE a I am at the ripe age of 28 where if I don’t wed soon, my fate will

call

courtesy

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be worse than death. Thankfully, I have a loving mother, a brigade of aunts and aunties and, apparently, an entire city of single women eager to marry, to ensure that I do indeed live happily ever after. I am fine with this scenario except for one thing: I find it unsettling that I am expected to state my net worth but cannot ask the same of my partner (what? Women have no net worth?

Are they saving only for their rainy wedding day?). I can forgive family members asking this of me or my parents (cultural) but it’s disturbing when girls do it. Is there a proper way to respond without answering in digits?

Peeved off single man While a person’s net worth is no one’s business, surely you realise

that the prospective party is asking this question only to ascer-

tain how financially responsible you are. This is how it’s always

been done. Parents would get together to ascertain whether the groom would care for Daddy’s Little Princess in a manner that is

befitting of her — whether that translates into a Manolo a month or her being doomed to a lifetime of slavery and saalan. Since

you are not entering a romantic union, so blinded by love that you forget to ask the necessary questions (wait, you don’t want

children? you’re allergic to dogs?) it’s best to ride the wave out.

Figure out a polite but direct reply to let the questioner know that you are a responsible man ready to take a bride, baggage and all.

a I have always been conscious about my skinny frame but since beginning my first job, I have become sensitive about it too. Nowhere is this more apparent than at lunch where my female colleagues complain about their weight and then move on to how lucky I am to be so skinny. This is bound to sound like a minor gripe but it gets on my nerves no end and I’m tired of their constant whining conversation. I’m at the point of saying “if you stopped gorging on food you’d be skinny too”.

Skinny Girl You’ve got the sentiment to pat, now let’s work on how best to convey it. But first a word on the whiners: perhaps they’re curious as to how you maintain your weight and don’t know how

to broach the subject. Try having a conversation on your diet or regimen or offer support to the women on what their diet should

be. I’m fairly confident that when presented with options, the whiners will not broach the subject again.

a What is (or should be) the correct tipping amount in Pakistan?

Should it differ depending on the nature of the dining establishment — street food joint versus fine dining restaurant?

Tipping Point Miss Manners has the best definition for tipping: “[it] is done to

supplement the inadequate wages of service employees”. My own

38

estimation is 10 per cent tip is the minimum one should give and 20 per cent is fair. All tips are always appreciated.

HOROSCOPE

BY SHELLEY VON STRUNCKEL

Aries Mar 20 – Apr 19 Regard each of the numerous obstacles you encounter as an opportunity to learn something important.

That way, instead of bulldozing your way over them, you’ll investigate their origin, invest time in discussing options or devising lasting solutions. This won’t just prove helpful when it comes to this week’s complex developments. When this Saturday’s eclipse shakes up existing plans and triggers changes, you’ll be prepared.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20 During this complex week you’ll want to

choose your battles. While some issues are important, they’re Shelley von Strunckel is an internationally acclaimed astrologer who created the first horoscope column for the London Sunday Times in 1992. A frequent lecturer, she writes daily, weekly and monthly

not really your affair, so can be ignored. Others, however, demand time and in-depth thought, then serious discussion. This process will require considerable patience. The payoff, however,

will be both insights about the situations you’re dealing with

and a much greater understanding of the people involved as well.

horoscopes in publications around the world including South China Morning Post, The Gulf News, Tatler, French and Chinese Vogue and now The Express Tribune Magazine.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20 You’re confident now there are quick so-

lutions for most of the tricky situations that surface this week.

But others aren’t. Which means your biggest challenge is, first,

calming them enough that they’ll listen to your suggestions.

Once you have their attention, you’ll still need to battle to get your points across. This may be hard work, but what you achieve more than justifies the effort involved.

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22 Urgent as issues seem, analysis must come first. Think about who’s actually responsible. More important, consider whether these relate to the more far-reaching developments that climax with this Saturday’s eclipsed Full Moon. If it’s the former, do only what you can. If it’s the latter, focus on exploration not decision-making, since a great deal will change before you’re able to settle on any one plan.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22 With your ruler the Sun forming intense aspects to each of the powerhouse planets between now and the end of the month, circumstances will twist and turn with amazing frequency. Recognise this as part of a much larger pattern of change and you’ll be relaxed and avoid hasty decisions. Only once this cycle’s over, in early July, can you be confident which should be taken seriously.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22 Try to deal fully with every issue as it arises during this unruly week and you will, quite simply, drive yourself crazy. Tackle what you can easily, then do something out of character, and leave everything else for later. Gradually you’ll recognise that some problems aren’t as important as they first seemed and, equally, you’ll realise while others are pivotal, they actually aren’t

40

that urgent.

JUNE 20-26 2010

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23 After the past week’s amazing discussions and events, the discord and obstacles you encounter between now and the end of June come as a real shock. Unlikely as it seems, this upheaval is actually essential to their progress. Listen and observe, getting involved only when you’ve something solid to offer. This strategy not only avoids wasting your time, what you learn will shape those pivotal decisions.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21 If you’re exasperated because nothing’s going according to plan, look around you. Everybody’s strug-

gling. Then consider the nature of the obstacles you and others are facing and you’ll realise that problems are only highlighting

both previous commitments and future plans that are no longer worth pursuing. Knowing that, you’ll find it amazingly easy to say farewell to what lacks potential and focus on what does.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21 Ordinarily, when you encounter setbacks, you simply figure out a way around them. At the moment, however, you’re better off giving serious thought to their source and – more important – whether it’s worth continuing with certain people or plans. Any temporary disappointment is compensated for by the sense of freedom that comes with realising you need no longer cope with increasingly burdensome arrangements, plans or relationships.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19 The trick to approaching the Capricorn eclipsed Full Moon, this Saturday, is to realise that because it’s

about a shift in perception, more than actual changes in circum-

stances, by June’s close, your perspective on this week’s events will to be very different. Thus, when faced with the array of challenging events coming your way, strange as it seems, you’ll be detached and do only the minimum.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 19 This week’s numerous obstacles aren’t what you’d imagine. Actually they’re opportunities, although they won’t seem so until you begin to do some probing. Mere discussion won’t achieve much, as most of those around you will be reacting to the challenges events raise rather than looking for what they offer. In breaking up familiar arrangements, they’re freeing you to pursue those that hold far more promise.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20 Accept the fact that, bizarrely, certain indi-

viduals are happier struggling than seeking solutions. This may

seem cynical, but it prevents you wasting time on those who’ll simply refuse to acknowledge there are easy ways to deal with

this week’s often perplexing range of dilemmas. This, then,

For more information, to order personal charts and to download & listen to detailed audiocasts, visit www.shelleyvonstrunckel.com

frees you to focus on those activities that are promising. There

41

are fewer of them, but they offer stunning results.

JUNE 20-26 2010

THE HATER

10 things I hate about ...health freaks

1 2 3 4 5

The concept of calories: There are few things more an-

noying than counting calories. Possibly the only thing more exasperating is people who know the calorie count of close to all edible items. Get a life.

BY GIBRAN PESHIMAM

6 7 8 9 10

The false camaraderie. People who otherwise have nothing in common come together over a low-calorie

salad recipe. Or a calorie count equation. Or because they share a trainer. As if the current basis of social

groupings and the conversations therein were not shallow enough.

The word calorie. It even sounds diminutive and inconsequential.

The masochistic subversion of pleasure. Why torture

yourself? If you like something, have it if you can. It is a privilege that many suffering from diseases can-

not afford. Don’t be ungrateful that you can have that chocolate bomb of a cake. Remember what Art Buchwald said in his last column.

The pedantry. Health freaks, like most (Karachi) Gram-

marians, feel that they have a monopoly on all that is good. Here’s the low-down: Despite all that effort, you

are not better than me. You are as likely to die a sudden death as I am. Deal with it.

Nutritional charts. A supermarket is not a library – please give way. Whatever happened to those days

when the picture on the box sufficed when it came to deciding whether one wanted to buy something or not?

How, somehow, a healthy lifestyle translates into keen-

ness and optimism. Life, dear health freak, is currently still, in the words of Hobbes, nasty, brutish and short.

You going green, or losing weight or feeling healthy doesn’t change that. Or the other sad realities of life – in particular yours. One word: Sublimation.

The awkwardness. How often does it happen that you are at a restaurant and want to eat a big fat steak, or the

like, and the health freak opposite you orders a small salad? And green tea. If you’re obdurate enough to still

make the big order, they’re done in 10 minutes, while

you feel the need to rush through your meal. Thank you for ruining it.

The grammatical liberties this culture has led to. Not

everything can be turned into a verb by adding a suffix.

‘‘I have to go gym-ing’; ‘I feel like being bad, let’s go ice-cream-ing.’ ‘I’m calorie-ed out’. Nauseating.

42

JUNE 20-26 2010

The overbearing, and largely gratuitous, advice. I

know smoking too much is bad for me. I’ve heard. Yes,

I’ve heard fried food is unhealthy. Thank you. Now buzz off. a