The Express Tribune Magazine - March 25

MARCH 25-31 2012

The Day We Won the World

MARCH 25-31 2012

Cover Story 18 The Day We Won the World Flashback to 1992, when Imran’s Tigers came out on top in the land down under

Feature 28 Just Batty Step inside Pakistan’s only cricket museum and get bowled over!

31 Art from Within...

When Ruheena Malik started calligraphy, it was love at first write

Interview

18 SOURCE: GETTY IMAGES

34 10 Questions with Ali Zafar From Pakistan to London, Paris and New York

31

Regulars 6 People & Parties: Out and about with Pakistan’s beautiful people 40 Reviews: John Carter isn’t out of this world, and The Grey lacks bite 42 Ten Things I Hate About: The Hater

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Magazine Editor: Zarrar Khuhro, Senior Sub-Editor: Batool Zehra, Sub-Editors: Ameer Hamza and Dilaira Mondegarian.

Creative Team: Amna Iqbal, Jamal Khurshid, Essa Malik, Maha Haider, Faizan Dawood, Sanober Ahmed and S Asif Ali. Publisher: Bilal A Lakhani. Executive Editor: Muhammad Ziauddin. Editor: Kamal Siddiqi.

For feedback and submissions: magazine@tribune.com.pk

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Maham

Marvi

Kamiar Rokni along with Bonanza launch their 2012 lawn collection in Karachi

Anoushey Ashraf

Bilal, Nida Azwer, Fatima Amer and Sanya Muskatiya

6 MARCH 25-31 2012

Marium Bilwani and Usman Bilwani

Mr and Mrs Naeem

Sanam Chaudhri

Kamiar Rokni

PHOTOS COURTESY CATALYST PR

Frieha Altaf, Zaheer Abbas, Ali Xeeshan and Zanib Sajid

MARCH 25-31 2012

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Jugnu and Wasim salon and studio launches in Islamabad Qasim Yar Tiwana, Shazia, Asimyar and Amal

Sobia and Farzeen

Maha and Rachel

Sofia and Asifa

8 MARCH 25-31 2012

PHOTOS COURTESY QYT

Rubya Chaudhry

Mariam, Asma Chaudhry and Uzma

Faisal Rehman and Saba

Wasim and Jugnu

Noor

Omer Salim and Ali

MARCH 25-31 2012

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Warda lawn launches its 2012 collection in Karachi

Sana Sarfaraz

Samad

Ayesha

Sabeen and Munaf

Aqsa

10 MARCH 25-31 2012

Danish

Shehla and Tehmina

PHOTOS COURTESY M FAROOQ

Faisal Khan and Saira Lakhani

MARCH 25-31 2012

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Al Karam presents Woman Of The Nation Awards in Karachi

Sanam Agha

Frieha Altaf

Naiza Khan with a guest

Nadia Hussain

12 MARCH 25-31 2012

Tooba

Faisal Qureshi

Saba Ansari

PHOTOS COURTESY CATALYST PR

Adnan Malik and Abid Omer

MARCH 25-31 2012

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Rukaiya Adamjee Humaima Malik

Shamaeel launches her lawn collection for 2012 in Karachi Maheen Khan Fatima

Shamaeel

14 MARCH 25-31 2012

Sumeha Khalid

Nadia Hussain

Akef Ilyas

PHOTOS COURTESY LOTUS

Mr and Mrs Asad Tareen

MARCH 25-31 2012

PHOTOS COURTESY IDEAS EVENTS PR

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Tara Uzra Dawood and Sumeha Khalid

TPL Trakker launches Pakistan’s first ever digital navigation system in Karachi

afa

a Must

Natash

Qudsia

if Iqbal

and As

PHOTOS COURTESY VOILA PR

Chester Bernard launches its flagship outlet in Faisalabad

Mr Naeem Mirza

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Mr Zeeshan Noorani, Mr Haseeb and Mr Faraz

Mr Muhammad Arif

MARCH 25-31 2012

COVER STORY

the day we won the world Twenty years on, the joy of winning the World Cup remains undimmed

BY FARAS GHANI

18 MARCH 25-31 2012

Mushtaq Ahmed licked his fingertips and gripped the ball tightly, sensing that a long-awaited wicket was close at hand. This might be the chance to put the tigers among the pigeons, he thought as he hopped in to deliver a perfect leg-spinner to Graham Gooch, the England captain. The plan was to entice Gooch into a drive, to force the ball to spin more than usual and for Moin Khan to snap the edge. But Gooch, looking to break the shackles, brought his front foot outside the line and went for a slog sweep against a leg-spinner. It wasn’t the meat but the top edge that confronted

the extra spin that Mushtaq had applied and, as the ball sailed towards the vacant square-leg position, it seemed destined to

meet the grass in no-man’s land. Suddenly, galloping in from

the boundary came Aqib Javed, his eyes on the ball and his mind on the crystal trophy.

“Gooch was their captain, their key player,” recalls Aqib. “We

weren’t renowned for our fielding so not many would’ve expected

me to reach the ball. But as I went running towards it, my mind went numb. I could feel my legs move but I didn’t know what I

was doing. I was so focussed on the ball sailing through the air, I couldn’t think of anything else. For a moment, I even forgot where I was and why I was running. My aim in life, it seemed,

was to grasp this opportunity God had hurled at me.” He was now

in that near-mythical state of unthinking action that sportsmen refer to as ‘The Zone’.

When Aqib landed on his elbows, clutching the ball with both

hands, around eighty-seven thousand jaws inside the Melbourne Cricket Ground simultaneously dropped. Mushtaq went running

sidered the favourites to win and the fact that we still won, made

“We were not the best nor were we considered the favourites to win and the fact that we still won, made it a special win”

ful start and that really did a number on team morale.”

the best out there but we were still capable of doing well and

towards Aqib, pumping his fists in celebration but Aqib, arms

aloft, evaded him and eight other teammates as he covered half the length of the field in celebration, refusing to let go of the ball he had just caught.

“Every single team at the event was there to win it,” says team

manager Intikhab Alam. “We were not the best nor were we conit a special win. It wasn’t an easy road to the cup, we had an aw-

The stuttering start

that’s why such a stutter right at the start hurt us,” says Intikhab.

To Aqib, while the loss of Waqar was certainly a blow, it wasn’t

An ‘awful start’ is an understatement. Pakistan’s opening match

a fatal one. “You can rue the fact that you don’t have great bowl-

hands of the West Indies. Waqar Younis, touted as the ultimate

what you have, perform your best and come out winners,” he

had been nothing short of a disaster — a ten-wicket loss at the

trump card, especially on Australia’s pitches, had pulled out of the tournament at the last minute due to a back injury. Waqar’s

ers or batsmen and then lose and go home. Or you can play with says.

The Pakistan squad pulled itself together and went on to win

absence was a huge blow so close to kick-off and, according to

the match. That much is history. But on that day, the task of

team.

a sense of hope fell squarely on the shoulders of captain Imran

Aqib, it ruined the planning and the strategic composition of the

“We didn’t look like the team we thought we were. We weren’t

picking up the team from its slump and instilling them with Khan.

19 MARCH 25-31 2012

COVER STORY

Enter the captain After their horrendous start, Imran Khan had to work even hard-

er to keep the team focused. Conflicts existed, opinions differed, egos clashed and the suspicion of bias infiltrated even the most minor of decisions. But despite that, Imran kept them together.

“When things weren’t working out, the captain stood firm,”

remarks Aqib. “Imran was sure that we’d win, especially after the semi-final, and that’s the attitude he instilled in the team

as well. He kept telling us that it was our World Cup, that there shouldn’t be any negative feelings and we shouldn’t be afraid.”

The approach worked. According to Intikhab, the captain had

one message: “Don’t give up.” As the match progressed and the

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team started peaking, there was a time when the entire squad MARCH 25-31 2012

74

The captain had one message: “Don’t give up.” As the match progressed and the team started peaking, there was a time when the entire squad felt they were destined for greatness.

felt they were destined for greatness.

But there was still a long way to go. Not only were there inju-

ries and other niggling complaints to deal with, there were also

issues of morale and, sometimes, a combination of all three. In

the absence of a permanent coach [team manager Intikhab Alam was serving as interim coach] and fitness trainer, and with the concept of a team psychologist being an alien one, the captain had to wear all these hats himself.

“Inzamam had a hamstring injury, which was affecting

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his performance,” recalls Aqib. “He was also feeling down and

kehta hay menay nahin khelna. Yeh adhi taang say bhi khelay

Inzi could play a huge role in the semi final and the final, and so

rahay ho, the captain wants you to play!’”

thought he wasn’t important for the team. But Imran saw that he came to me and Mushtaq and said, ‘Isko kiya problem hai? Yeh

lekin khelna ho ga!’ So we went to Inzi and told him: ‘Soch kiya “Imran was crucial to the team’s success,” agrees Intikhab. “In

(Continued on page 26)

MARCH 25-31 2012

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COVER STORY

437 the end, it was a team effort that landed us the cup, but on the

way, Imran ensured we remained on the right track. The team selection was on merit and there was no favouritism. The message from the captain was very clear: only those who perform

will get a chance. That was the kind of environment created by

Imran and he not only helped others get back on their feet after each demoralising performance but also chipped in when it was needed — with the bat, ball or advice.”

There’s no ‘I’ in team But for the advice and the helping hand to be effective, Imran

needed the players to come forward and work together whenever the team was in trouble. And that they did.

Bolstered by their captain’s trust, the players rallied behind

Imran. The ‘tigers’ were famous for their reputation of ruthlessly attacking their prey. And attack they did, with the young

and slim Inzamamul Haq and the cricket prodigy Wasim Akram spearheading the assault and delivering deadly blows to the opposition. Then there was the legendary Javed Miandad. Through

his silent and unorthodox approach, he lulled his victims into regrouping and framing news tactics, only to see them being outfoxed. No amount of sledging could get him off his game, and in that tournament no obstacle was unsurmountable.

“When I look back at the World Cup, I can safely say it was

my World Cup,” says a justifiably proud Miandad. “I scored in almost every game [He was the second-highest run-scorer of the

tournament] and that’s what the team needed. We had to put the runs on the board for the bowlers to take up the challenge.

There were a lot of expectations from the team and from me but I’m glad that despite some minor injuries that I and some others

had, we played well and, riding on the nation’s love and prayers, managed to end up on top of the world.”

And as far as Miandad is concerned, it was those very prayers

that carried the day. “The point that we got against England,

when we avoided defeat because of rain, was the point that took us through to the semi-final. And you could see how God wanted us to win.”

Miandad did not score a century in the tournament but, with

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the help of five half-centuries, including a crucial half-century MARCH 25-31 2012

“When I look back at the World Cup, I can safely say it was my World Cup,” says a justifiably proud Miandad.

“The point that we got against England, when we avoided defeat because of the rain, was the point that took us through to the semifinal. And you could see how God wanted us to win.” in the final match, he demonstrated that he was still at the top of his game. Ironically, this is the same Miandad who had previously been considered extra baggage in the team.

“It was surprising to see that people couldn’t see his role in

the team,” recalls Aqib. “He wasn’t the best fit (in the team) but big players like him are special for the very reason that they can

perform on the biggest of stages. He was a big-hearted player and

aggressive, perhaps not in his stroke-play but certainly in his nature. He wanted to win it all for Pakistan.”

When it all came together But it wasn’t just Miandad who experienced the fairy-tale ending. Imran was the top scorer in the final, Akram let his bat do

the talking with a 33 off 18 balls and, when the time came to bowl, he proceeded to make the ball dance to his tune. Mushtaq chipped in with three important wickets and Inzamam blasted

a 35 off 42 balls after a 139-run stand between Imran and Mian-

dad that provided the stability the Pakistani team desperately needed. Aqib complemented the catch of the match with two more wickets and Moin Khan, with three catches and plenty of

chirping from behind the stumps, rounded off a perfect display of teamwork, one that is not seen nearly as often as it should.

From the depths of despair to the heights of glory, the script

written on the field that day remains as unparalleled, unmatched and frankly unbelievable twenty years on as it did then. It was a

moment that brought the nation together in joy, and for those lucky enough to be part of the squad, it was a moment they will never forget.

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“It all came down to the momentum that the team created

by virtue of winning,” says Aqib. “We peaked at the right time,

became the only team to beat New Zealand twice and won the World Cup. Twenty years on, I’m glad I was part of it.” a

Important: The pictures used in this piece are the exclusive property of Mr. Iqbal Munir. They may not be reproduced in any form without his express consent.

MARCH 25-31 2012

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FEATURE “You have to be a little mad to try something like this,” says Najum Latif. ‘This’ is setting up a one of a kind museum devoted to cricketing paraphernalia. And Latif certainly is mad…mad about cricket that is!

just batty

BY SONIA MALIK PHOTOS BY ABID NAWAZ

The cricket museum he has so lovingly established at the 1880 pavilion at Bagh-e-Jinnah accommodates an array of objects: personal belongings of legendary cricketers, signed bats and balls, pictures documenting the early 20th century cricketing history of the subcontinent.

The 20 by 25 feet space was formerly a dining area in the historical Bagh-e-Jinnah cricket ground, which has the distinction of being the second cricket ground to be built in what was then India under the Raj, the first being the Eden Gardens in Kolkata.

It remained the only official cricket ground in Lahore until Gaddafi Stadium was made in 1959.

Latif recalls spending afternoons hanging out at the Bagh-eJinnah in the 1950s, snapping shots of cricketers playing and chatting. Many pictures displayed at the museum are from his own collection.

Up until the 1970s, this space used to be a dining hall. “This is where the cricketers bonded and made friends during lunch and tea breaks,” recounts Latif fondly.

Pictures of English cricketers from the 18th and 19th century used to be mounted on the walls. During matches, pictures of the guest team were exhibited on the right wall, while the home team had its pictures on the left.

But on his return to Pakistan in 2002, Latif found that the space was being used as a store and all those historic pictures had been

Najum Latif, standing in front of a wall plastered with covers of Sportimes from the 1950s.

lost to termites, rainfall, and theft. Concerned that a significant era of our cricket heritage was being lost, Latif pushed for a proposal to establish a museum and was finally given approval by Haider Rizvi, the then Lahore Gymkhana convener. The museum was officially inaugurated in November 2009 by Nawaz Sharif.

Now the honorary curator of the museum, Latif talks about the difficulty of acquiring artifacts from families of former cricketers. “Until his death in 2005, Fazal Mahmood [one of the finest fast bowlers of the country’s early years and a former captain of the national team] was a guiding force to me. He referred me to the right people for acquiring things for the museum,” says Latif.

28 MARCH 25-31 2012

Abdul Hafeez Kardar’s personal tie and photo. Latif recounts his effort to acquire a personal item of the first captain of the Pakistan cricket team after partition. His son Shahid Hafeez Kardar displayed his belongings before Latif, saying he could have anything for the museum as long as it was returned when asked for. But Latif, not knowing who would follow him, could not commit to this. Finally, Shahid agreed to let him take the photo and the tie.

This slip-fielding cradle is over a hundred years old and was used to practice catches. Latif found it in storage and had the unique contraption repaired and displayed at the museum.

Among the things most valued by Latif is the jacket of cricketer Jehangir Khan from his Cambridge days, donated by his son Majid Khan.

A lens used to take the very first in-action cricket pictures in Pakistan in 1955, acquired from the legendary photographer Fazl Elahi Chaudhry.

29 MARCH 25-31 2012

FEATURE Eventually, most post-Pakistan pictures came from Mehmood Salahuddin, who assisted the English team during their first official visit to Pakistan, and Dr Farakh Ahmad, a first-class cricket player, also from Imran Khan’s family.

The vast array of objects at the museum is a testament to Latif’s efforts. Visitors to the place can see a bat Majid Khan used in 1986, Imran Khan’s trousers from the 1992 World Cup, Salim Malik’s signed shirt and cap, and retired international umpire Iftikhar Ahmad’s jacket. Amongst the first things Latif acquired for the museum were pictures of the first official test match played between India and Pakistan in 1955. Then he got pictures of the maharajas of Patiala and Jammu Kashmir playing cricket here in the 1920s and 1930s. “These pictures are a link between the history of this place when the British built it to the post-partition era,” he says.

Also on display are cricket balls with the signatures of Shujauddin Butt, Fazal Mehmood, Salim Malik and Khan Muhammad. The glass shelves in which they are kept are modelled after those showcasing cricket relics at Lord’s in London.

Latif says that he still has plenty more to put on display and plans to utilise a small space, formerly used as a kitchen, to extend the museum. Among the items he would want displayed are a paper cutter Pakistani team was presented during it first official tour of India in 1952. It is labelled ‘To the Pakistan Team presented by Tata Industries’.

Nazar Muhammad, who scored the first century in a cricket Test match for Pakistan (1952), is also the only Pakistani cricketer to have a picture taken with Muhammad Ali Jinnah (1946).

“I also want to put on display Imran Khan’s uniform from the 1992 World Cup and his ball, which I have yet to make him sign.

I also want to put on display the press badge Khalid Hasan wore while covering the World Cup final in 1992 in Melbourne.”

Bats with signatures of legendary cricketers, dead and alive, are also showcased. One can spot the signatures of legends such as Fazal Mahmood, Khan Muhammad, Zulfiqar Ahmad and Shujauddin Butt.

Fazal Mahmood on the cover of Sportimes.

30 MARCH 25-31 2012

FEATURE

art from

within...

Ruheena Malik keeps the tradition of Islamic calligraphy alive

BY AALIYA RAHIM BONDREY

As I purposefully make my way into the plush confines of Karachi’s Saffron Restaurant for a têteà-tête with calligrapher and restaurant owner Ruheena Malik, I conjure up a mental image of a posh, high maintenance lady with all the airs and graces that too often come with success and privilege.

Warm, candid and delightfully unassuming with a child-like

innocence that is highly endearing, Ruheena turns out to be the polar opposite of what I was expecting.

An impassioned soul with a deep yearning to find a greater

meaning in life, Ruheena began her foray into the world of cal-

ligraphy in 1996, spurred by a compelling desire to explore the hidden intricacies behind the words in the Holy Quran.

Born to a Pakistani father and a half-Danish mother, she was

unable to decipher the meaning behind the Arabic verses, yet was determined to pay homage to her Muslim heritage. One fine day, when she was still living in London, she opened up the

Quran and sought to express her devotion by scripting it on paper. It was love at first write.

“It was a magical, life-changing experience for me,” exclaims

Ruheena. “As clichéd as it may sound, I knew then that I had

found my calling. For me, it was destiny.” She believes with the

utmost conviction that her self-acquired calligraphic skills came

34

about as a result of divine intervention. She correlates her expe-

rience with that of Paul Gauguin’s who never touched a paintMARCH 25-31 2012

brush in his early life, and only fully blossomed as an artist when he was in his thirties.

“It was a magical, life-changing experience for me,” exclaims Ruheena. “As clichéd as it may sound, I knew then that I had found my calling”

“Although I started out much later than I would have liked to,

I know now that I was always destined to do this,” she says. To

her, it is as if her lack of formal training is more a boon than a burden. “Since I’m not bound by the rules that limit most trained

calligraphers, whenever I pick up my pencil to script a Quranic verse, I have no preconceived notion of where the lines will take

me. Instead, I have a free hand and am guided spiritually with the sole aim of drawing attention to Allah’s message by making

it colourful, vibrant and lively,” she says, a note of undisguised joy entering her voice.

And so, whether the verses are sketched on canvas, carved on

wood or woven into fabric, Ruheena’s flawlessly sculpted calli-

graphic pieces give voice to a desire that seems to resonate from deep within as she pours her entire being into her creations.

When she works, she is oblivious to the world around her, spending days and even months at a time perfecting a single piece of art.

With a serious passion for collecting antiques, Ruheena loves

fusing her designs with elements from the past, including table tops, old doors, tiles and panels that she has accumulated from

havelis across interior Sindh, Mithi, Badin and Thatta over many years.

With her mixed heritage, her life has been an interesting trail

of events with a host of different influences shaping the course of her journey. After completing her early education in Karachi’s

Convent of Jesus and Mary, Ruheena proceeded to London where she acquired a bachelors’ degree in textiles.

However, shortly after her marriage, she became disconnected

from the art scene for many years, and it wasn’t until her children were enrolled in boarding school that she ventured into cal-

ligraphy, a skill that she continued to develop even after moving from London to her mother’s residence in Copenhagen.

Shortly after her return to the local art scene in Pakistan,

Ruheena received the opportunity to hold many solo exhibitions show-casing her talent, and has since then created many a magnificent masterpiece of Quranic verses. It’s a testament to

her skill that many of these pieces have been presented to leading dignitaries around the world including Saudi King Abdullah

bin Abdul Aziz al Saud, UAE President Sheikh Khalifa Bin Zayed al-Nahyan and the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheikh M. bin

Zayed al-Nahyan. While her creations may now grace the homes of Kings and Sheikhs, the beginnings were far more humble.

“My first exhibition of calligraphic work was held at Karachi’s

Copper-Kettle restaurant where I displayed 40 designs of calligra-

phy on paper and ink. This was followed by an exhibition titled ‘Kalaam’ at the Mohatta Palace in 1999, and yet another one at the Alliance Francais in 2005.” she reminisces. Since then, she

has also participated in numerous group exhibitions alongside MARCH 25-31 2012

35

FEATURE

veteran Pakistani artists, and has even displayed her work as far afield as Paris.

However, for Ruheena, the real sense of accomplishment

comes when non-Muslims acquire her calligraphic pieces to dis-

play in their homes. “For a Muslim, there can be no greater feat

than the fact that a non-Muslim is eager to pay homage to the scripts of our Holy Book, just because it looks beautiful.” she says with pride.

Up a flight of stairs is her studio, which also doubles as her

living space and is an extension of the restaurant that she established two years ago in partnership with her best friend Rubina.

Cluttered with canvases, pencils, stacks of paper and interest-

ing odds and ends, her working studio is yet another treasuretrove of antique wood-work, elaborate paintings, and stacks and

“Whenever I pick up my pencil to script a Quranic verse, I have no preconceived notion of where the lines will take me. Instead, I have a free hand and am guided spiritually with the sole aim of drawing attention to Allah’s message by making it colourful, vibrant and lively”

stacks of calligraphy that she has created over the course of the twenty years spent mastering her craft.

I stand transfixed before her work, my eyes darting back and

forth across the embellished pieces of Quranic verses etched on ornamental wood panels, old doors, seals, candle stamps and mirror frames. Besides paper and ink, she has also inscribed

the Arabic scripts in regal gold thread on rich velvet cloth and jamawar silk.

“I have used 24 karat gold, and real rubies and emeralds in

many of my designs,” claims the calligrapher.

For a long time, I just stand there studying the intricately

styled dots and unique patterns of her vivid designs.

As I turn to leave, my gaze falls upon the image of a flying

horse carved on an ivory door. It is inspired by the ‘Buraq’, the di-

vine steed upon which the Prophet journeyed to heaven. Near it is its twin image created with ink on canvas. I finally have to tear

my gaze away, because clearly, her studio is an endless treasure trove that will take a lifetime to explore.

Our meeting is now at an end, but apparently Ruheena’s spiri-

tual and artistic journey is far from over. “This is only just the

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beginning,” she says as I depart. “I have so much more to create.”

MARCH 25-31 2012

REVIEW

toothless

BY SAMAN ASIF

Essentially, The Grey is a sheep in wolf's clothing. What starts off as a tense and moody survival thriller quickly becomes a tedious and far-fetched movie about a carnivorous wolf pack in the Alaskan wilderness. Directed by Joe Carnahan, the film is based on the short story "Ghost Walker" by Ian MacKenzie Jeffers.

John Ottway (Liam Neeson) works in Alaska killing the wolves that threaten an oil drilling team. The story follows Ottway and a number of men who are stranded in Alaska after their plane crashes. As a pack of grey wolves stalks them, they are forced to survive using little more than their wits. It has all those “guess who dies next" scenes that movies like Deep Blue Sea or Anaconda had.

The film can be explained thus: Hero leads survivors off to hypothetical safety. Wolves drop in from time to time and devour one of them in every confrontation. That is pretty much the entire movie. While the survivors also have deep meaningful conversations about life and death, most of the time they just blindly stumble around and get killed. Also, why would the stranded survivors decide to leave the wreckage of the plane, when it at least provides shelter

man on a mission

BY NOMAN ANSARI

Between 1912 and 1943, John Carter, star of author Edgar Rice Burroughs’s pulpy sci-fi Barsoom novels, was an icon. The books were set on the dying planet of Mars, known to its inhabitants as Barsoom, and featured themes which became the archetype for countless works of sci-fi/fantasy that followed, including Flash Gordon, Star Wars, and even Avatar. Unfortunately, this genre defining popularity has resulted in a 2012 adaptation of his first adventure, which feels worn-out in its over-familiarity.

John Carter starts promisingly enough in the year 1868, as we are introduced to the wisecracking John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), a former Confederate army officer, who is living a dangerous life as a gold prospector, while dodging the native Apache Indians, as well as the 7th Cavalry Army regiment. Carter, who speaks in a voice so gruff, you’d think he is one cigarette puff away from lung cancer, finds himself teleported to the planet Barsoom through a series of mystical events.

Here, Carter discovers that the lower gravity allows him superhuman abilities, a fact that is immediately noticed by Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe), the leader of the giant four-armed green-skinned alien Tharks, who capture him. Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet, the cities of Zodanga and Helium, which are inhabited by human-looking 40 Martians, have been at war for thousands of years. The sinister leader MARCH 25-31 2012

and supplies, and go out in the cold to get devoured by wolves?

And since the wolves clearly outnumber the men, I really did not understand why they just didn’t kill them in the first confrontation.

Liam Neeson, who has slowly become the most bankable action hero in the world, is completely out of place in this film. It is as if he signed the film without even reading the script. Perhaps he trusted the director/producer duo, with whom he worked in his last film, The A-team.

The only two things that I actually liked about the film have to be the harsh, frozen setting, and the scene in which the wolves’ eyes suddenly appear, pair by pair, in the darkness in front of all the survivors. Watch it if you have absolutely nothing to do, otherwise just skip it. Oh, and if you do actually make it till the end, don’t get your hopes up as the ending is probably one of the greatest cinematic disappointments of all time.

of Zodanga, Sab Than (Dominic West), starts winning the battle, thanks to a special weapon gifted to him by the mysterious race of Therns.

At this point, Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins), the Princess of Helium, escapes after her father tells her she must marry Sab Than, in order to broker peace.

She encounters John Carter, who is escaping the Tharks, and is immediately charmed by his cavalier attitude, bone-crushing strength, and all-round badassery.

Like the princess, we too are initially charmed by the film’s interesting alien creatures, swashbuckling action, and self-aware humour.

Unfortunately, the chemistry between John Carter and the princess Sab Than is non-existent, and their interstellar romance seems forced at best, thanks to some particularly lifeless acting. John Carter reportedly had a gargantuan $250 million budget, which was clearly spent on its non-stop CGI effects, rather than a better cast or script. Later, undercooked themes like ‘a hero with a tragic past’, ‘an outsider fighting for the aliens against the odds’, are slapped on too quickly to feel coherent, while the action is stuffed down our throats at an express pace. As John Carter progresses, the freshness of the film evaporates rapidly, until the film is left feeling almost as barren as the red planet it is set on.

THE HATER

10 things I hate about

1 2 3 4 5 42

…the hater

BY USMAN SHAHID

Vociferousness: The biggest reason for my hating hat-

ers is their vehemence. They don’t try to convince you, but to shout you down. Of course, that’s exactly why

you’re reading this; not for a reasoned argument, but in fact for the comments section shouting match that will shortly ensue.

Gender imbalance: Strangely, every time I read any ar-

ticle with the heading ‘I hate…’ the author turns out

to be female. No surprise then, that in the ‘ten things

I hate’ series, 80% of the haters are women. I don’t know why. Are all these women really the proverbial shrews of Shakespearean fame?

Too judgmental. Haters are too quick to condemn any

thing, person or place without really thinking things through. The automatic assumption is that nothing

can be good, and that everything is worth hating. Pretty much like the assumptions I’m making right now!

Trying too hard to be funny. Haters always try to

bring humour into their arguments and fail miser-

ably. Their jokes turn out to be clichéd and banal. Even though we’re already at point no 4, I can almost see your bored and snide expression and the sheer disdain

you have for my failed attempts to bring some chuckles into points 1-4.

Boring writing style: Their articles are so sleep-inducing that reading them is like torture. Haters can’t seem to express their hate in an articulate way, leading to

even more hate by the readers. As I write this incredibly somniferous and boring hater, I am 100% sure

that 99% of you would have skipped to the comments already.

6 7 8 9 10

Ennui: Haters totally lack joie de vivre and don’t want others to enjoy life either. Just because they themselves clearly don’t.

Anger against trivial things: Haters will hate on you for

wearing or not wearing skinny jeans, and watching or

not watching some random TV show. No matter what

you do, they’ll hate on you for it. Just look, here I am hating on the haters!

Repetitiveness: Hating and repeating yourself seem to

go hand in hand. After two or three logical points they start plagiarising themselves. If you don’t agree, try to read my last four points again.

Vocabulary: Instead of filling their articles with ideas and arguments they fill them with vocabulary. Every

time I’m reading them I have to oscillate between the article and a dictionary.

Jealousy: You only end up hating what you’re a little (or

more than a little) jealous of. Does this mean that I’m jealous of people who can actually come up with ten things they hate about anything? Possibly.

Editor’s note: We’re all out of hate. Starting next week, we’re going to do something else with this page so do let us know what you think. For all the hater lovers, we will still run the odd hater here and there, but only if it’s really really good!

MARCH 25-31 2012