The Express Tribune Magazine - May 01

MAY 1-7 2011

!

E V I S EXCLU

ADVICE

REVIEWS

COMMENT

PEOPLE

THE HATER

MAY 1-7 2011

Cover Story 20 Brides of Al Qaeda To the world he is a militant, to them he is family 34 Faithless Warriors Are these men crusaders... or criminals?

38 Smuggler’s Paradise Despite its name, Chaman is no garden

Washington Diary 42 I Candy Watch iPad fanatics in their natural habitat

Art 46 The Art of Drawing Taking a dot for a long walk

Advice

38

48 Mr Know It All No holds-barred advice from our resident guru

Regulars 6 People & Parties: Out and about with Pakistan’s beautiful people 52 Reviews: What’s new in film and books 54 Ten Things I Hate About: MS Excel

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46

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Editor: Zarrar Khuhro. Sub-Editors: Batool Zehra, Hamna Zubair Creative Team: Amna Iqbal, Jamal Khurshid, Essa Malik, Anam Haleem, Tariq Alvi, S Asif Ali, Samad Siddiqui, Sukayna Sadik Publisher: Bilal A Lakhani. Executive Editor: Muhammad Ziauddin. Editor: Kamal Siddiqi.

For feedback and submissions: magazine@tribune.com.pk

PEOPLE & PARTIES

The 9th Women Lifestyle Exhibition at Royal Palm, Lahore

Amna Kardar

Ayesha Nasir

Amina Saeed

6 MAY 1-7 2011

Frieha Altaf

Ali and Onaza

PHOTOS: BILAL MUKHTAR EVENTS & PR

and Rayaan Lubna , Inzar Farah , Talat ,

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Tahira Syed and Hina Khan

Natasha and Iman

Bilal Mukhtar

Saad and Maheen Kardar

d Natty , Annie an

8 MAY 1-7 2011

Dr Shehla

Masooma and Salma

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Aqsa, Nimra,

Sadia

Alizeh and Sana

Dr Sarwat, Ahlaam, Huma Adnan

i and Adnan Perdes on ro Ha n Kira

10 MAY 1-7 2011

Huma Adnan

Bilawal Khoso and Tamoor Mugheri

PHOTOS: COURTESY CATALYST PR

Sabya Sachi’s new collection launched at Ensemble

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Huma Adnan and Aamna Isani

san

Xilofar Has

Murk, Nabiha,

Kiran Mian and Usman Dittu

12

naz, Shezray, Sheher in sa Hu ba Ze d an MAY 1-7 2011

Natasha, Muna Mushtaq and Nadia Mistry

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Shubinak launched on Lahore’s MM Alam

aid

Amina Saeed

Maheen and Kesshi

Amna

14 MAY 1-7 2011

Bilal

Bilal Butt, Sumaira and Moiz

PHOTOS: BILAL MUKHTAR EVENTS & PR

Khadija and Ub

PEOPLE & PARTIES

Sophia Mirza and Saim

Sobia

Imtisal

Gwendolyn Kulick

d

16

Sam Ali Dada an Humera MAY 1-7 2011

Bushra , Fatima and Aneeqa

“I wish I wasn’t such a control freak” Designer Shehla Chatoor on fashion, shoes, and never looking back.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Being on holiday with my husband and my two lovely daughters.

I wish I wasn’t such a control freak.

What is your greatest fear?

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Losing a loved one.

My two lovely daughters and my third baby: my work.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Where would you most like to live?

Sometimes I jump to conclusions, without taking into account

On a serene, remote island where apples and blackberries are still fruits.

all the facts.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Cruelty — a lack of heart and soul.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Right now I’m going overboard because of my new house, which

What is your most treasured possession?

My children.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Having no faith… not believing in God.

is about to be completed… that and paintings.

If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?

What is your current state of mind?

curator, as I love fashion and art.

Stressed and overwhelmed, yet thankful and excited.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Humility.

On what occasion do you lie?

To keep from hurting someone’s feelings. Like lying to my little one about the tooth fairy.

I would probably be the editor of a fashion magazine, or a

Who is your hero of fiction?

Don Draper, from “Mad Men”.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Elsa Schiaparelli — one of the most prominent figures in fashion during the two world wars, and French designer Madeline Vionnet, who pioneered the halter neck.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Who are your heroes in real life?

I have come to a point in my life where I have embraced all that

His Highness Prince Karim Aga Khan for his innumerable

What is the quality you most like in a man?

What is your greatest regret?

There are so many, choosing one is impossible. Honesty, a sense

There is no point to looking back. I’d rather focus my energy on

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

What’s your favourite quote?

Sincerity, honesty and kindness.

“Half my designs are controlled fantasy, 15 per cent are total madness,

God has given me… I’m satisfied!

of humour and confidence, to start with.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

services to humanity, education, Islamic architecture and art.

moving on.

and the rest are ‘bread and butter’ designs.” Manolo Blahnik.

“Seriously,” and “Oh my God”.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what’s the one thing you’d

When and where were you happiest?

A satellite phone with a built-in GPS.

There have been so many moments. Like becoming a mother, for

instance. For the most part I have been happy and I am thankful to God.

take with you?

What’s the last really good movie you watched?

Black Swan — I love ballet and absolutely love Natalie Portman’s performance.a

MAY 1-7 2011

19

EXCLUSIVE!

brides of

Al Qaeda

BY IFTIKHAR FIRDOUS

“Who is it?” asks 12-year-old Khadijah as she unlocks the door to her home. Her accent differs from that of a Khyber Pakhtunkhwa native’s — and after she pulls open the door, her unique features further pique my curiosity. Where are Khadijah and her family really from?

Khadijah is one of the thousands of people in Pakistan whose lives have been

influenced by the war in neighbouring Afghanistan, a country that has seen nothing but confliuct for three decades. Khadijah is actually the granddaughter

of Sufi Hameed Gul, who is famous in this small town of Regi, situated some 12

12

kilometres from the provincial capital of Peshawar. Although he is a respectable MAY 1-7 2011

13

more inside!

MAY 1-7 2011

COVER STORY

EXCLUSIVE!

militant’s missive

uantaG in s r a b e h t From behind a letter s d n e s i ir a z Ja namo, Adil al fear and in g in v li , a h is to his wife A poverty.

religious cleric, Sufi Hameed Gul’s fame stems from the fact that he is the father in-law of two former Guantanamo detainees.

Gul married three of his daughters, Mahdia, Murshida and Ai-

sha, to men of Arab descent after the Russian-Afghan War.

“A number of Arabs came to our village” he says. “They were

mujahideen, and it was my duty to help them in every possible

way,” he says, suggesting that there can be no further argument on this point. Three suspected Al Qaeda operatives, Adil Hadi al

Jazairi bin Hamlili, Mustafa Hamlili and Abdul Karim, lived in this village for more than 15 years.

Even at the age of eighty, Gul’s eyes light up as he talks

about his war-ravaged past. “It was the worst of times. I had to escape from Afghanistan some 60 years ago.” Clasping the hands of his grandchildren, he reveals that he was a student

at a madrassah in Swabi which followed the Panj Pir school of thought. After completing his studies, he travelled to Khewa,

a village in the Dara-e-Noor district of Afghanistan’s Nangarhar province.

“I delivered a fiery sermon in the mosque,” he says. “I warned

the locals that their religious creed was polluted and they should

22 MAY 1-7 2011

mend their ways! But it was Zahir Shah’s era and I was labelled a

Pakistani agent.” Gul managed to escape from his village on the very same night that intelligence officials raided it, but three of his close friends and followers were taken into custody, and were never heard from again.

“Then I came to this village, where I served as an imam in the

mosque. The elders of the village wanted me to get married and

stay here. At first I resisted.” He pauses, but then continues with a mischievous smile and octogenarian innocence. “I knew I could

not go back so I took the offer. But I had five daughters and no

son. My wife died during childbirth so I remarried in the hope of having a male child, but it never worked out — my second wife went through a surgery which left her sterile.”

“I couldn’t have much of what I wanted with five daughters,”

he says.

Perhaps it was his desire to have a son that compelled Sufi Ha-

mid Gul to marry his daughters off to relatively unknown indi-

viduals. One night, when someone knocked on his door asking if he could speak Arabic, Gul did not hesitate to show his proficiency in the language. “I was taken to a madrassah called Jamaa-e-

Asria near the boundary of the tribal areas, where I met a couple of young men who spoke nothing but Arabic.”

Although Gul does not say much about the economic benefits that came along with the marriages, the locals of the area do. When asked what the Arabs’ occupation was and how they earned a living, an elderly villager said: “They were very well connected; they just made a few phone calls and got whatever they needed.”

Gul resolved their problems and went back home. After almost

a week the men came searching for him to his native village.

“They were not impressed with my linguistic skills,” he laughs, “but they wanted to get married!”

He immediately married off two of his daughters, Murshida

and Aisha, to Abdul Kareem and Adil Hadi al Jazairi bin Ham-

lili. Mahdia was married to Mustafa seven years later. Although Gul does not say much about the economic benefits that came

along with the marriages, the locals of the area do. When asked what the Arabs’ occupation was and how they earned a living, an

elderly villager said: “They were very well connected; they just made a few phone calls and got whatever they needed.”

As it happens, Adil al Jazairi and Mustafa Hamlili were arrest-

ed by security forces in Pakistan as a result of the policies put in

place in the aftermath of 9/11, in June 2003. Adil was accused of arranging money transfers and travel documents for the Al Qaeda and was arrested from Peshawar’s Hayatabad area. Mustafa

and another friend, whose name the family cannot recall, were taken into custody when around 3,000 security and intelligence

personnel went on a rampage in the villages near Regi. “There were four Americans along with the armed men,” recalls Gul.

“They identified the two boys and took them while we were left unharmed.

The night before the raid, Gul received a call from an unknown

number. The caller did not identify himself but told him to move

“his guest” to a safer location. “I gathered the boys and told them

23 MAY 1-7 2011

EXCLUSIVE!

a family ripped apart

ar right) sits (f l u G id m a Sufi H ghters. u a d d n a r g o between tw brink of e h t n o s e v li The family poverty now. about the call but they refused to go. However, I told them not to resort to violence as it was the trust of the people of the village that was at stake,” he explains. The men ended up in the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. “Since then I have been interrogated thrice by the Americans, once by a woman and twice by men who did not provide any information about themselves,” he adds.

“Abdul Karim, the eldest amongst the Arabs, went missing

around 18 years ago,” continues Gul. “He went away to Maurita-

nia and never returned. We tried to contact him several times,” says a tearful Gul, as he sits with his daughters and their children.

Gul’s daughter, Mahdia, is in her early 30s and says she trav-

elled extensively to Yemen and Afghanistan with her husband

Mustafa. She speaks in a stifled tone about her travels. “We stayed in Yemen, in some place which I cannot recall, but it was beautiful in its own way,” she says. It was when the Taliban took over in Afghanistan that Mahdia shifted to Kandahar. “I did not

know what my husband was doing, but whatever he did gave him a lot of respect amongst the ranks of the Taliban,” recalls a frightened Mahdia. At the same time, her sister Aisha lived

with Adil in Kabul and recalls that they never lacked any facili-

ties since “we were immensely respected amongst the women because we were the wives of the people who basically funded all the activity around us.”

But the situation has changed since they were the wives of sus-

pected — and respected — Al Qaeda operatives. Now, their home speaks volumes about the state of poverty they live in. Gul cannot

24

afford to send any of his 13 grandchildren to school. His daughMAY 1-7 2011

“I did not know what my husband was doing, but whatever he did gave him a lot of respect amongst the ranks of the Taliban,” recalls a frightened Mahdia.

ters are now the breadwinners of the family, ever since the Inter-

national Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) gave them a sewing machine to stitch and sell clothes. Alienated from their fellow villagers, they live in near seclusion. Their only connection with

their husbands was through letters sent to them from Guantanamo Bay via the ICRC, who also arranged a video conference call for them to finally see each other after years.

According to a 2006 report by Mark Denbeaux, a professor at

Seton Hall University Law School and counsel to two Guanta-

namo detainees, and his son Joshua Denbeaux, at least 36 per

cent of detainees at Guantanamo Bay were captured by Pakistani authorities or in Pakistan. Over 170 detainees still remain at the

facility. Freed detainees have returned to their home countries as

well as to others, including Germany and Switzerland. But resettling detainees has been a sore issue for many governments.

“The ICRC said they would help us meet our husbands,” Aisha

says. “They mentioned that we could meet them in a different country, like Canada.” Nothing has materialised so far.

So Aisha, Mahdia and Murshida remain forgotten and forsak-

en, yet another family split apart as a result of the war on terror which shows no signs of abating just yet.

After the family was interviewed, this correspondent was

contacted by Adil al Jazairi. Under constant surveillance in Algeria, he says: “I long to meet my family, but all my travel doc-

uments have been taken away by the government”. Al Jazairi said he was living a life of extreme poverty. Despite several attempts to contact him after that one phone call, he could not

be reached again. Thousands of miles from Algeria, his family waits for a man who may never come home. a

25 MAY 1-7 2011

EXCLUSIVE!

faithl warri

12 MAY 1-7 2011

less iors

In the wake of 9/11, a number of militant outfits emerged in the federally administered tribal areas, claiming that their purpose was to maintain peace and purge vulgarity, social injustices and crime from the lawless tribal society. Armed with their own interpretation of Sharia, they quickly gathered recruits from all walks of life. Men and women alike flocked to their banners, and their adherents soon included politicians, lawyers, teachers, students and medical practitioners.

But with the passage of time, it became increasingly clear that

the reformers were themselves indulging in criminal activities and that those who claimed to battle lawlessness had been infiltrated by the very people they claimed to oppose: the criminal gangs of Fata.

In militant connections, opportunity beckons To those who know the tribal areas well, this did not come as a surprise. By virtue of their close proximity to Peshawar and

Afghanistan, the Bara sub division and the Tirah Valley of the Khyber Agency have been the favoured haunts of small groups of kidnappers and car lifters since well before the birth of these militant outfits.

With the rise of the militants, the criminal mafias saw not a

threat, but an opportunity. Thus was born an alliance of convenience between the two groups.

TEXT AND PHOTOGRAPHS BY SAID NAZIR

The Lashkar-e-Islam, led by warlord Mangal Bagh, has been

the preeminent militant group in the area since 2006, specialising in the kidnapping of wealthy people, rivals and government

officials from not just the Khyber agency, but also Peshawar and other settled districts of the province.

Besides the LI, there is the omnipresent Tehreek-e-Taliban

Pakistan and two other militant organisations including the movement for the promotion of virtue and prevention of vice (ABWAM) and the Tirah based Ansarul Islam (AI) led by Qazi Meboob-ul-Haq, a bitter opponent of the Laskhar-e-Islam.

Of these, the ABWAM and AI are considered to be the lesser

evils, as they rely on money generated from ‘taxing’ the drug trade and transporters. They also collect Zakat and Ushr and impose fines on tribesmen for violating their self-styled codes of conduct.

But the TTP and the LI are a different story. Not only are their

activities funded by the drug trade and extortion, they also heavily depend on the business of kidnapping for ransom.

As this reality dawned on the LI’s adherents, disillusionment

started to set in. “We supported the Lashkar-e-Islam in order to eliminate social evils from the area, but instead the LI supported

and strengthened criminals just for the sake of money. This is MAY 1-7 2011

13

EXCLUSIVE! COVER STORY against the principles of Islam,” says Khyal Math Shah, a journalist and ex-supporter of the LI. “I gave up supporting the LI after they started destroying schools, beheading their opponents and kidnapping innocent people for ransom.”

It wasn’t always this way, says Shah as he traces how the

criminals gained more and more say in the LI’s councils. “The LI was founded by Mufti Munir Shakir, a religious scholar who was later exiled to his native Kurram agency for inciting hatred in his

speeches, but the majority of his followers were illiterate people

led by Mangal Bagh, a bus conductor by profession, who lacked an understanding of real Islam.”

A matter of necessity?

Suhbat Khan, however, an ex-agency councilor from the Bara

Tehsil, counters Shah’s arguments, saying that the business of kidnapping for ransom was a well established policy of

militant organisations. Khan says that this is not just a way

crusaders... or criminals? are Kidnappings LI kosher, says ! commander

to raise funds, but is also a terror tactic intended to intimidate opponents. He says that criminal elements were deliberately patronised because thugs and murderers are the kind

of people you need to carry out beheadings and kidnappings.

“This is why militant groups gave criminals a major role in

their organisational affairs”, claims Khan. And he would know, as he has been on the receiving end of the LI’s activities.

His father, Sharif Khan, was abducted by Mangal Bagh’s fight-

ers for his alleged support to the rival Ansar-uI-Islam in 2010. He was released after two months when he paid Rs1.2 million to the

militants. After this harrowing experience, Khan says ‘regular’ criminals are easier to deal with.

“The independent criminal gangs were more flexible and more

humane than these ‘militants’ in dealing with release of a kid-

among many others. They said that well-known drug smugglers

criminal gangs used to demand a smaller ransom and would

close aides of Mangal Bagh and financed his army.

napped person,” says Khan. He adds that unlike the militants, rarely torture and kill the captives if their demands were not

The Lashkar-e-Islam denies the charges, claiming that they

met, as they were afraid of retaliation. That is no longer the case.

are an attempt to defame the LI.

who now use the cover of religion to carry out their activities.

ranks and all the money generated from kidnappings is used

now out in the open and unafraid.

Islam,” claims an LI commander who spoke on condition of an-

Links with militant organisations have emboldened gangs

While previously they would operate in the shadows, they are

“To protect themselves from the tribes and the government,

well-known kidnappers, robbers, drug smugglers and killers

entered militant organisations in the early stages of their formation and occupied key positions,” says Suhbat Khan, whose cousin was beheaded by LI militants in 2009.

According to locals, names of some criminals-cum-militants

“We are a force of Mujahiddeen! We have no criminals in our

for the noble cause of fighting social evils. This is allowed by

onymity. He said that there were no criminal gangs in the ar-

eas they control as they had either been eliminated or else had joined the LI after surrendering and giving up their activities.

It’s a bold claim, but the reality is quite different.

Where the administration fits in

and smugglers-cum-militants from LI include commander Wa-

Two years ago, the political administration demolished the house

Commander Mirza, ex-spokesman Haji Zarkhan, ex-spokesman

kidnappings in Landikotal. Farhad Shinwari, a correspondent

hid Afridi, commander Shalabaaz, commander Noorul Haq,

36

and billionaires including an ex-MNA from Landikotal were the

Haji Misri Khan, commander Khan and commander Saifoor, MAY 1-7 2011

of local criminal Hakeem Khan for his involvement in cases of of Mashal radio in the Khyber Agency has an interesting tale to

are dominated by militant-cum-criminals who have a big say in

running these outfits. For instance Dawa Khan, an operational commander of AI in Peshawar, and an ex-spokesman of the same

organisation, Dr Naeem, both had criminal backgrounds. Dr Naeem was even wanted by the police in the kidnapping of Dr Sohail who was recovered by police from a home next to his home in Peshawar’s Hayatabad area last year.

Spokesman for the AI, Ansarul Islam Mehboob Afridi, partially

rejects the charge, saying that Dr Naeem was expelled for not following the manifesto of the organisation while Dawa Khan was

not involved in criminal activities but was pursuing the policy laid down by his organisation.

Haris also blames the police for supporting criminal militants

saying that when the LI was in full swing before the military operation in Bara, the local police allowed its militants to move freely in Peshawar and other districts of the province, kidnapping people at will. But after the operation started against the LI in Bara the police closed its doors on its militants and instead

ar-e-Islam k h s a L ’s h g a Mangal B hugs than t f o d n a b a is more despite its , m la Is f o y an arm age. projected im

encouraged AI, which was operating now in Peshawar and other

settled districts against supporters of rival army of Islam. Like the LI, now the AI kidnaps people from Peshawar with the connivance of local police and releases them after payment of a hefty amount of ransom that he claims is shared by police officials.

The criminal militants of different groups and independent

criminal gangs in settled districts are in close coordination when

it comes to kidnapping and sharing the ransom. “A kidnapped

person is sometimes sold and resold to different gangs and frequently shifted to avoid detection and recovery,” said Farhad Shinwari

According to militant sources the collaboration with these kid-

tell: “We approached the site to report on the demolishing of his

napping gangs ranges from collecting information on potential

that the criminal was LI chief Mangal Bagh’s right hand man,”

ed hideouts, to ‘renting’ out the kidnapped people and negotiat-

house, but stopped covering the event after we came to know says Farhaad Shinwari, who says the decision was made out of fear of retaliation.

victims, physically snatching the person, providing well-protecting ransom deals.

People are often kidnapped by militants so that they can ex-

There is some truth to the LI’s claims — but only some. In or-

change them for ransom, exchange them for militants in state

ment’s sympathy, some criminals were in fact eliminated by the

kidnapped, militants not only receive a huge amount of money

der to boost their image in the community and win the governmilitants. A known criminal named Charg was killed by the TTP

in Darra Adam Khel, and a professional killer called Riaz was executed by the LI in Charsadda. But Haris Khan Afridi, a former

custody, or spread fear. In cases where high-profile people are

but also secure the release of their fighters arrested by security forces in exchange.

The trend of kidnapping people for ransom has spread like a

LI supporter, says these killings took place only because those

cancer in militant organisations which abduct not only neutral

Of course, the militants also tend to define ‘crime’ a little dif-

Shah and others like him — like ex agency councilor Hashim

criminals insisted on operating independently.

ferently. As Suhbat Khan puts it, “Whatever crime, theft or murder is committed by a militant, it is justified by his organisation

as being in the best interests of Islam and their own Jihadi out-

tribesmen but their ex-supporters as well. As a result Khyal Math Khan Afridi — have realised their mistake and regret their onceblind support for the militants.

“I have been missing my village Nala in Bara tehsil for the last

fit”.

two years but I cannot return due to the presence of the Lashkar-

groups operating in Khyber and other parts of Fata. All of them

repentant Hashim Khan. a

Haris Khan Afridi says this attitude is shared by all the militant

e-Islam… which we had once developed for a noble cause,” says a MAY 1-7 2011

37

EXCLUSIVE!

smggler’s paradise

BY AMEER HAMZA

12 MAY 1-7 2011

I am on assignment. The agreement says I have to cover ‘the cultural landscape’ of Balochistan. I am also told that I have to cover a lot of ground in 15-20 days as Balochistan is a huge place. It is no Sindh or Punjab — it is Pakistan’s largest province and is also the most contentious. I am also on assignment to photograph the historical architecture of the Raj. So, as part and parcel of the deal I am travelling to Chaman, that most oxymoronic name that any town in the country could have been given. Chaman means ‘garden’ in Urdu. And, as I will soon witness, there isn’t much in the way of gardens out there. The people of Chaman don’t like gardens. They like smuggling.

For the US, Chaman is one of the most important places in the world. Along with Peshawar, it

is the main supply route for troops stationed in Afghanistan. Goods worth billions of dollars pass through this town monthly — of which some is stolen by the locals to compensate for the grief of aiding infidels in the war against fellow Muslims.

Partly to witness the smuggling drama and partly to sate my curiosity about the border region, I

travelled to Chaman along with my friend, Danial — who was actually the one who masterminded the trip.

The main highway which connects Quetta with Chaman is being remade completely and will be per-

haps the most outstanding road in the country, along with the Karakoram Highway. This road passes through the famous Khojak pass top. When you peer over the edge of the road, you can see one of the

marvels of British construction, the Khojak railway tunnel, the longest in Pakistan, stretching some five kilometres in length and producing strange sounds and a very strong breeze. The Khojak pass is around 22 kilometres from Chaman town. At the end of the journey, it is quite a shock to descend into the scorching, smoggy plains of Chaman after the relative cool and freshness of Khojak.

Reaching Chaman is not romantic, in case you were expecting something dramatic to happen. What

I mean is, the landscape isn’t phenomenal. It is plain, very plain. And it is so dusty that as soon as you open your car door you are engulfed by dust and smog. But when the dust has settled the romance of

the border begins to settle in your heart. There is a huge gate at the border called ‘Friendship Gate’. I’m not sure why, because Afghanistan has never accepted Pakistan as a sovereign country and in any case they say that the entire Fata region belongs to them. So much for friendship.

Another thing you see in Chaman is literally thousands of Pashtuns and Afghans of all shapes and

sizes scurrying across the border without submitting to checking. Colas from the UAE, soaps from

Iran, shampoos from God knows where, tyres from Japan and Taliban from Afghanistan are all passing through the border as are 40-feet high, heavily loaded trucks — carrying Humvees, sensors, and other

military equipment for Isaf. The activity is so brisk it befuddles you. You stand there, beneath that ugly Friendship Gate, and watch as hundreds and thousands of people pass through this border. They all look the same. You can’t see any difference between a poor loader and his overlord.

As for security, Pakistani FC personnel stand guard on this side of the border, weapons in hand.

Border guards sitting in an air-conditioned room check the necessary documents. The customs

people check only the big trucks. They don’t bother with people carrying trolleys. This has to be the only border in the world where so much smuggling happens right in front of the border guards.

Intrigued by such a sight I enquired about the reason for allowing such an open smuggling route.

The official posted there informed me that if the army stops these people from smuggling, they will simply falls into the Taliban’s hands. Because, he informed me, everyone has to have a way to earn a living.

Either you allow them to carry on their businesses or you turn them into terrorists. Well, great

logic, but Pakistan loses hundreds of thousands of dollars daily in taxes as a result. This smuggling has made the Pashtuns of Chaman some of the richest men in our country with offices in Singa-

pore, London, New York and Kabul. And all these smugglers, with their immense tummies and

13 39

immense black or grey turbans sit among their wares and haggle over prices.

MAY 1-7 2011

EXCLUSIVE! COVER STORY They are not afraid of the law. But they fight too much amongst

themselves and eat a lot of cherries. They also love chai.

As I sat pondering these issues, the Afghan war, and how much

all this affects my life in Karachi, the FC personnel invited me over to climb the Friendship Gate and have a look at the scene from above. Surely such opportunities are only God-sent and I wasn’t go-

ing to miss it. From the top of the gate one could see in perspective the whole landscape and the people. You can also see, on one corner

of the border, a box-shaped building with sensors and cameras and all decorating it. On enquiry, I was told that it belongs to the US

chai,cheap goods, and cheek

Army and that they scan their wares coming from the Pakistan bor-

der. Just in case there happens to be an Al Qaeda operative hiding inside one of the containers, you know.

I wanted to stay on top. Partly, as I told Danial, due to the fact

that I had never seen so many smugglers jammed into one place.

I was loving it but I had to leave eventually. But before that I took some portraits on the border. I also got permission to shoot the Afghan forces. I mean, with a camera.

These so called Allied Forces didn’t appear to be soldiers to me at

all. In fact, they looked like haggard teenagers on a boring family trip. I was thoroughly disappointed. No wonder they have been unable to stem the flow of the Taliban. And without American

help they would be finished off within days. That was the feeling I got when I looked at these soldiers. On our side of the border,

on the other hand, the FC looked classy and alert. Just the type of

men who should be posted on borders. One of them stood guard over the border with the Pakistani flag fluttering in high cross

winds behind him. It was a classic moment, one I shall never ever forget. And I instantly shot him. Later, we had lunch and

the most famous chai anywhere in the country — for most of the Pashtun chaiwallas across Pakistan come from Chaman. Later we wandered around into the smuggler’s bazaar, full of Japanese

tape and DVD recorders. I bought some cheap shampoos and a

cream for my wife and sisters. I also got a Hugo Boss cologne for my brother.

And so I became, unconsciously, part of the smuggler’s den

much to the resentment of my friend, Danial, who opposed my desire to buy stuff from the market. (Later in Karachi he would tell me that he regretted not buying anything!)

I personally recommend that instead of everyone heading to-

wards Murree and Nathiagali and Swat, some of you should go and see Chaman. It is such an interesting — and awkward — place to be. a

Ameer Hamza is a businessman who travels for fun not business. He is now collecting Travel Safari Vests, Travel Backpacks and all the travel books written in English anywhere in the world. For this end, he has greatly disturbed the peace of his wife and annoyed his friends.

40 MAY 1-7 2011

es looked c r o F d ie ll A d The so-calle agers on a n e e t d r a g g a like h er they d n o w o N . ip tr boring family stem the o t le b a n u n have bee aliban. flow of the T

WASHINGTON DIARY

icandy Is there a method to the madness?

Witnessing the sale of a long-awaited Apple product is a sight to behold.

BY SHAHZAD RAZA

It is a cold and windy morning. Roy arrives at the Apple Store at 5:00 am, hoping against hope that he’ll be the first person in the queue. But more than 25 iPad fanatics already standing patiently in line vanquish his dreams as soon as he turns onto Washington DC’s Wisconsin Avenue, where the city’s Apple store is located. Later, he learns that the first person in the queue arrived at 1 o’clock in the morning.

Of course, such fanaticism is hardly unusual when it come to

Apple products. But it is another thing to witness the amazing dedication of Apple consumers firsthand.

Roy is not the only person who waited in line for over five hours

that day, only to hear that the coveted second-generation iPads

had been sold out to the people ahead of him. This happened because Apple stores, according to policy, sell a maximum of two iPads per customer.

This is probably part of a larger, and very fascinating, scheme

to handle Apple-hungry fans. When you’re standing in line for

hours and hours, you get to observe the minutiae of the behav-

iour of store employees and Apple fanatics — and this is how it goes.

All genuine or sham customers (more on this breed later) queue

up outside the stores many, many hours before the official open-

ing hour, usually 9:00 am. At 7:30 am, a couple of sales reps appear to announce the specific models they have in stock and

will sell that day. At 8:30 am they make their second appearance — this time with a pack of coupons.

Now, these coupons are a whole story unto themselves. In a

42

scene that conjures up visions of Soviet–era food rationing, Apple MAY 1-7 2011

The dedication of iPad fans is a sight to see. reps start distributing the coupons starting from the first per-

brick walkway near the Apple Store — will get the iPad.

hearts. The sales reps do not demand any money or identification

fifties rocks back and forth patiently, she wants the iPad for her

son in the queue while the rest wait and look on with pounding

in exchange for the coupons. Anyone in the queue can get two coupons upon his/her turn.

“If you’re among the first 25 people in the queue, you have a

good chance of getting one [iPad]. But you probably won’t get the

model you want,” comments Roy, once again counting the number of people ahead of him.

Gossip is the preferred way to pass time in the queue, and ru-

The queue comprises people of every age. A woman in her late

daughter. But she’s way back in the queue, and I doubt she’ll get

her hands on it. Senior citizens do not enjoy any special privi-

leges outside Apple stores, it seems.

As for me, I arrived at the store at around 5:00 am and got the

23rd place. By the time Apple sales reps start distributing coupons, I have more than 60 people waiting behind me.

It’s a long and monotonous wait on a chilly DC morning. The icy

mours about who will get what are rife. Chris, another iPad fan,

wind freezes the tips of our noses and earlobes. Everyone is wrapped

pects. He believes anyone in the “safe zone” — a 20-metre red-

smart phones to play with. Some are reading books. A few have

has a different but rather superficial formula to gauge his pros-

up in multiple layers of clothing. Some people have laptops and

MAY 1-7 2011

43

WASHINGTON DIARY brought their own folding chairs. A guy covering himself with a brown blanket is taking a nap. A bunch of Chinese guys who are

standing way ahead in the queue look excited, and seem to be carrying out their own spy mission. One of them is assigned to move

around and bring the rest of the group members latest updates from the queue. Indifferent of what is going on outside, a security guard inside the store is playing with his own cell phone.

Sometime soon after the sun comes up, I notice that a puffy-

faced man with a big nose is among the first five customers in the

queue. “Bloody hell, here he is again,” says a young man stand-

ing near me, referring to the man with the big nose. “I don’t like him. He was in the front yesterday too. He’s a scalper.”

The young man then proceeded to tell me the story of how he

had failed to procure an iPad the previous day. According to him,

the couple of black (African-American for the politically correct)

guys standing somewhere at the 10th spot were homeless people.

Each of them would get two coupons and sell them to latecom-

ers at a high price. “That (puffy-faced) man and his girlfriend got four coupons yesterday and sold, like, at least three. He was asking for $100 for each coupon,” the young man reveals.

Earning $300 in five hours seems pretty decent. Who knew

how many times the puffy-faced man would try his luck again?

And he was certainly not the only sham customer creating that

tiny short-term black market: There are two kinds of sham customers — scalpers and those who just keep your place. The scalpers buy the product to sell later at inflated prices. The homeless people who wait in line just sell the coupons to latecomers.

At 7:00 am several customers leave the queue, and I think they

were disheartened or had lost the energy to wait. I was wrong — turns out they just wanted coffee from the Starbucks down the road which had just opened its doors. But before leaving, they made sure to install someone to guard their spots in their absence.

44 MAY 1-7 2011

“If you’re among the first 25 people in the queue, you have a good chance of getting one [iPad].

But you probably won’t get the model you want.”

Nearly one month after its launch, the gap between the de-

Interestingly, Apple retained the prices of 2010’s iPad. The Wi-Fi versions start at $499 for a 16 GB model and climb to $699 for a 64 GB configuration, while the 3G iPads are priced from $629 to $829.

The new iPad is slimmer, lighter, faster and brighter than its older brother.

mand for and supply of the iPad-2 is getting slimmer. The magic

tablet was launched in America on March 11. The scenes outside Apple stores then were reminiscent of those in April 2010 when the first generation iPad hit the market.

March 11 was an interesting day in the West Coast city of San

Francisco. Apple CEO Steve Jobs made his first public appearance after two months to unveil the tablet — Jobs had stepped away from Apple in January to take an indefinite medical leave. “We’ve

been working on this product for a while, and I didn’t want to miss it,” Jobs said at the outset of his speech.

Interestingly, Apple retained the prices of 2010’s iPad. The Wi-

Fi versions start at $499 for a 16 GB model and climb to $699 for a

64 GB configuration, while the 3G iPads are priced from $629 to $829. The new iPad is slimmer, lighter, faster and brighter than its older brother. It includes a new dual-core processor and a pair of cameras.

The first iPad, which went on sale a year ago, sold 500,000

units in the first week and crossed the 1 million unit mark in 28

days. Nearly 15 million iPads were sold in nine months in 2010, two or three times as many as analysts had predicted. Analysts

expect the company to sell 30 million or more this year, generat-

ing close to $20 billion in sales, even as other companies launch their own devices. Steve Jobs said the company was “working

hard to build enough iPads for everyone” as the company struggled to meet US demand. Despite Jobs’ assurance, the first month after the launch happens to be nightmarish for customers.

Coming back to that little store in DC — it is now 7:30 am

and is just about time for Apple’s sales rep to come out to give a

quick update about the availability of iPad-2 models. Early birds will certainly get the model of their choice. Latecomers will either strike deals with scalpers or go back home empty handed.

Finally, dressed in official blue t-shirts and khaki trousers, the sales representatives appears and announces they have iPads of

five different specifications out of a total of nine. They will now finally come out with coupons at 8:30 am.

By this time, the guy behind me was busy assuring himself that

he’d get one. He wanted a 32 GB iPad. Right in front of the Apple

store a street sign read ‘Prospect-3200’. “I am not a superstitious person, but look at the street’s name. Prospect 3200,” he jokes.

Finally, the wait ends. At 8:30 am the sales reps appear again.

All eyes are fixed on that pack of coupons. The reps distribute the coupons within 20 minutes, and true to Roy’s predictions,

a man standing at 26th place is the last one to receive a coupon.

The puffy-faced man gets two coupons, his girlfriend gets two coupons and the two homeless people get two coupons each. As it turns out, the guy behind me doesn’t have great prospects. When

his turn comes, only 16 GB iPads are available. But he quickly takes the coupon anyway, saying even 16 GB is enough memory for him. a

MAY 1-7 2011

45

ART

the art of

drawing

In the words of Giorgio Vasari, drawing is the father of three other arts; architecture, sculpture and painting. We can trace drawing back to its appearance as cave paintings, and in modern times, graffiti and basic doodling indicate the urge to draw is alive and kicking.

As people continue to lay more focus on the final product, draw-

ing, the root of all art, seems to have taken a back seat. What we

as art critics and enthusiasts have forgotten is the importance of drawing — creating a notion that only a painting can be hung on

a wall, and a drawing must be designated to the drawer. We fail to remember that, in the West, the drawings of giants such as

Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci are given as much weight as their paintings.

Taking a cue from revered artists around the globe, Khaas Art

in association with Aasim Akhtar has taken the initiative to compile portfolio of the drawings of well-known artists. For the first time in Pakistan, notable artists have been asked to compile their drawings in one place. Salima Hashmi, RM Naeem, Tariq Gill, Waseem Ahmed, Anwar Saeed, Nahid Raza, Mehr Afroze, Aasim

Akhtar, Naiza Khan, Farrukh Shahab, Moeen Farruqi and Adeeluz-Zafar will, for the first time, retrace the roots of art and collect an anthology of drawings.

46

Talking exclusively with The Express Tribune Magazine, Aasim

MAY 1-7 2011

Pakistani artists finally get a chance to give their drawings the credit they deserve.

BY MOMINA SIBTAIN

Akhtar, who is also to be featured in the portfolio, speaks about

Adeel-uz-Zafar’s unique technique of layering his surface with

the significance of drawing and the unique nature of this par-

vinyl coating and helping the image emerge through the surface

“Never in the history of Pakistan has there been a compilation

and exclusivity of the portfolio. “The way I work has a linear

ticular venture.

made of original drawings,” he says. “In a very arbitrary way, the portfolio briefly divides artists by generation. But they are all active practitioners of art and original draughtsman.” Even though

through scratch marks is inimitable and adds to the uniqueness quality to it and so it makes sense that I am involved in this project,” says Zafar.

An initiative taken by the late Usman Ghauri to compile a port-

the artists have different historical realities they have shared

folio of screen prints in Karachi under the name ‘Different Drum-

This particular portfolio cherishes the artists’ differences, con-

collect other such pieces. With Laila Rehman following lead at

sensibilities; visual and conceptual.

flicts and reversals. It is this diversity of vision and approach that makes this collection unique. The artists have not been bound

to either theme or medium. With full flexibility with regard

to what the artist might want to produce, the collective sees a

collage by Salima Hashmi, drawn washes by Nahid Raza, a self

mer’ was the inspirational step that drove Pakistan’s artists to

NCA in Lahore, Usman Ghauri came out with another portfolio, Out of the Box, before passing away. With a total of four portfolios dedicated to printmaking existing in Pakistan, the fifth portfolio is a huge contribution.

Paul Klee once said, “Drawing is a dot taken on a long walk.”

portrait in graphite by Farrukh Shahab and a beautiful piece by

As Khaas Art and Aasim Akhtar join this walk, the original

struggling with the space between drawing and painting,” says

abad and will soon be auctioned off and the proceeds from the

Aasim Akhtar in lead pencil. “For the last 25 years I have been Salima Hashmi. “I like the structure to be exposed and be a part of the finished piece.”

portfolio rests in the Santorine-esque Khaas Art Gallery in Islamauction will be donated to the upcoming LRBT Benefit Night in Islamabad.a

“In a very arbitrary way, the portfolio briefly divides artists by generation. But they are all active practitioners of art and original draughtsman,” says Zafar.

47

From left to right: Work by Moeen Faruqi, Anwar Saeed and Waseem Ahmed. Previous page: Work by Salima Hashmi.

MAY 1-7 2011

ADVICE

mr know it all From relationship blues to money woes, Mr Know It All has the answers!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All

I’m sick of how my younger and prettier cousin copies the

way I dress, down to the last accessory. She makes an effort to

‘match’ what I’m wearing at any and every occasion and I’m really tired of the inevitable comparisons that follow. I’ve told her off many times, but this doesn’t have any effect on her.

What’s the most acceptable form of footwear for a casual

Friday? I showed up at my bank one week wearing trainers, and noticed my boss giving my feet a funny look. Any advice?

A. God created Google because bandwidth, free time and my

No matter how secretive I am about my wardrobe (we live in

patience for impersonal questions are all scarce resources that

cates it. To top it all off, she gets all the attention and praise

PS. Are you sure it was a funny, what-the-heck-are-you-wearing

the same house), she finds out what I’m wearing and repliand people assume that her older, uglier cousin has been ripping off her fashion ideas. What should I do?

A. Look, the sooner you make peace with the fact that

pretty girls have it easy, the better you’ll be equipped to handle them. Stupid unfair world, I know, but what can you

you and I are running out of at a fairly upsetting rate. Use it.

look, and not a funny, my-my-can-I-touch-and-see-what-they-

feel-like look? Because the latter should make you want to think about switching jobs!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

One of my best friends has just gone through a painful divorce,

do? It’s been like this ever since the arrival of the first cave

and as a consequence spends a lot of time at my place, hanging

the only problem here, is it? Yours is a classic case of clash-

working a lot lately and feel like he’s been seeing more of my wife

chick who wasn’t as hairy as the rest of them! But this isn’t

ing egos and an annoying little brat who needs to be taught a lesson. I was thinking of something involving duct tape

and black permanent ink, but have a strong feeling most of

my readers wouldn’t approve of such extreme measures, especially on a kid. So… until your mini-me grows up to real-

out with me, my wife and our young child. Trouble is, I’ve been and child than I have — he’s often hanging out with them at

home when I come back from the office. I’m feeling a little inse-

cure – is he just distracting himself, or is he trying to replace me?

A. I don’t think there’s much to worry about until your kid—

ize just how incredibly stupid women who wear matching

and wife — start calling your friend… umm… “daddy!” Until that

Like maybe fooling her with a fake wardrobe full of trashy,

and relax. The poor guy is probably just missing his family and

clothes look, your best bet is your self-confidence and tact.

48

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

tacky clothes?

MAY 1-7 2011

happens and you feel the need to write to me again, just sit back

using yours as a steppingstone to reclamation. Be supportive and

give him a little time to get back on his feet. This doesn’t mean

it in them to be completely happy with what they’ve got — ever!

if, deep inside, you know that the divorce wasn’t entirely his ex’s

recently made it to the news because of his 90-something wives.

normal though. Especially if he’s better looking than you... and fault. In which case you should’ve dumped him like, yesterday,

instead of wasting your time writing to me. Go now... Go! Go! Go! Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

My husband of ten years has recently started comparing me —

unfavourably — to his friends’ wives and even to my own girlfriends. I get to hear all about their wonderful style, fab bodies

and perfect children and the subtext is that I’m falling short on all these measures. On the other hand, I feel resentful because

my hubby’s ‘budgeting’ and constant financial woes mean that I

am consistently compromising on my appearance just to be able to make ends meet. I’ve tried to laugh off the comparisons but they really hurt me. How do I tell him to stop without sounding petty?

ILLUSTRATION: S.JAMAL.K

A. You see, men are insatiable animals who simply do not have

that his spending time at your place in your absence is perfectly

If you don’t believe me, ask Hugh Hefner or the Indian guy who Not surprisingly, your husband seems to fit the mold perfectly.

But the million dollar question here is not whether the father of

your imperfect children is a heartless fool or not, but whether

you’re absolutely sure you can hit him with full blame for this one! I mean, sure it’s a malicious thing to make your wife feel in-

adequate by comparing her to her own friends, but the truth is, most women bring it upon themselves when they start ignoring their man’s innate need for an attractive partner. In your case, a

ten-year marriage is certainly not long enough for you to stop us-

ing makeup, grow a moustache and become one with your belly flab! Depend more on your creativity than your bank balance to

keep him interested, because as you probably already know, the world is full of younger, prettier women that your man will continue to be wooed by… until you give him a little something to think about! a

Got a problem you just can’t solve? mail us at magazine@tribune.com.pk and let our very own whiz take a crack

49

at it!

MAY 1-7 2011

REVIEW

a life in review

book behind the science

BY UMAIR KHAN

In The Hidden Reality, celebrated theoretical physicist Brian Greene explains the mind-boggling idea of a ‘Multiverse’ (plural of universe). A professor of physics at Columbia University, Greene is well-known for his two earlier works on popular science, The Elegant Universe and The Fabric of the Cosmos which sought to explain, among other things, the very nature of spacetime. But The Hidden Reality, in explicating the idea of multiple realities, shows the layperson something that has never before been presented by a popular physicist.

The Big Bang Theory, which suggests the origin of the universe some 14 billion years ago gives rise to several other theories which require our universe not to be the only one. Most readers of popular science are familiar with the many worlds interpretation of quantum physics and M-theory’s “braneworld”. Multiverses, Greene writes in this book, are “harder to avoid than they are to find” and he discusses nine theories in their support.

From the plain old “Quilted Multiverse theory” that postulates that in this infinite universe, there is bound to be repetition of the order of things to the “Inflation theory” that suggests that our universe began as a rapidly expanding bubble of empty space, Greene discusses the all. “String theory” gained popularity because it successfully unifies General Relativity and Quantum Theory and verification is expected from the experiments currently being run at the Large Hadron Collider. Greene also ponders over the possibility of a “Simulated Multiverse”, theorising that we may all be part of a simulation, like that in The Matrix. Extending this supposition further, the creators of our simulation might themselves be part of another simulation and the final wonderland is the “Ultimate Multiverse” in which everything that can exist and is mathematically consistent actually exists ‘somewhere’.

As a teenager I read scientists like Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking on the queer nature of black holes, the philosophical 50 dilemmas of time travel, and the creationist implications of the MAY 1-7 2011

interconnected The Big Bang Theory which suggests the origin of the universe some 14 billion years ago gives rise to several other theories in support of multiverses.

Top five books on Popular Physics: 1. The Grand Design by Stephen Hawking 2. Physics of the Future by Michio Kaku 3. The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene 4. Death by Blackhole by Neil Degrasse Tyson 5. The Trouble With Physics by Lee Smolin

Greene has selected an apt title for this book because nothing can be more hidden than a reality which is neither accessible physically nor conceivable mentally.

big bang theory. But compared to this, these problems seem mundanely simple. Some people call these theories scientific blasphemy, but in the words of George Bernard Shaw, “all great truths begin as blasphemies”. The Hidden Reality both popularizes scientific ideas and shines a light on the path that will be explored by future physicists.

These theories are challenging simplistic notions about science by ‘enhancement’ of mathematical and scientific standards. In order to resolve the deepest mysteries and the greatest dilemmas of modern science, modern scientists are willing to accept these bizarre-looking properties of the natural world. We have reached the point where we need to re-examine what is and is not science and how theories can be verified and accepted as scientific.

Greene has selected an apt title for this book because nothing can be more hidden than a reality which is neither accessible physically nor conceivable mentally. The insightful and engaging narrative makes this complex tour of state-of-the art theoretical physics much more exhilarating and informative. Greene’s greatest achievement is that even as you grapple with these allusive concepts, you start falling in love with these mysteries.

51 MAY 1-7 2011

REVIEW

film tell me no lies

BY AMMARA KHAN

Plato’s disdain for comedy has been considered snobbish by comedy enthusiasts, even more than his contempt for democracy. They would always come up with the many superior qualities of comedy as a distinct genre. However, I found myself more in sync with Plato after watching Dennis Dugan’s new film Just Go With It. Those who cannot understand Plato’s objections to comedy should watch this movie. This film can boast of everything that can go wrong with comedy.

The plot is the movie’s weakest link — it is so uninspiring that I can’t decide whether it is excessively predictable or unbelievably far-fetched. Danny (Adam Sandler) is a potential cardio surgeon about to get married to an unfaithful and materialistic girl. By a stroke of sheer luck he realises how wrong this girl is for him, and breaks up with her. Danny also realises he can hook up with any girl he chooses without any worries of future commitment if he poses as the victim of heart-wrenchingly difficult marriage, using his never-been-used wedding ring as bait. Years go by and Danny becomes a successful plastic surgeon and a canny womanizer.

Little does he know that his latest fling, Palmer (Brooklyn Decker), will actually think he is still married when she finds his ring.

Along comes his assistant/friend Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) who is a single mom of two. Danny begs Katherine to pose as his cruel, heartless first wife in order to string Palmer along and win her heart. The idea here, of course, is that once you start to lie, you should ‘just go with it’ — in case you didn’t catch the witty connection.

The rest of the movie is a slow and painful journey to the one special moment when Danny comes to understand which girl he really wants to marry.

Besides the lousy plot development, the dialogue is barely humorous. Adam Sandler, who can sometimes be ludicrously hilarious, is absurd instead of amusing. Jennifer Aniston is no doubt 52 enchanting and elegant to look at but when it comes down to MAY 1-7 2011

going with the flow The idea here is that once you start to lie, you should ‘just go with it’ – in case you didn’t catch the witty connection. acting it is not surprising that she does a very average job as usual.

Sandler and Aniston could have brought together two different types of audiences: the rude-guy comedy freaks and the romanticcomedy addicts; but sadly we have yet to wait for such movie.

Nicole Kidman’s small role could have been an added attraction to the movie but her character is not given enough space to breathe on its own.

Highly predictable, dull and uninspiring, Just Go With It is below average — and has just about put me off the California golden girl Jennifer Aniston for good. a

THE HATER

10 things I hate about ...ms excel

1 2 3 4 5

How

interviewers

think

BY SABA KHALID

you

terviewer: Tell a

nuclear

me

about

physicist.I

MAY 1-7 2011

yourself?

solved

be

cas-

Me:

the

I

am

Einstein

Zebra puzzle when I was only five! Interviewer: That’s great, that’s great. But can you solve it on Excel? Me: Uhhh… no? Interviewer: NEXT.

The complicated formulas. Why do we need to put

sigmas and equal-to signs before and after everything?

Why can’t we just write a simple order: “ADD my list,

and arrange it alphabetically and step on it, you slow poke!” and just get what we require?

The Excel showoffs. They think it’s a great idea to put any and all useful and useless information on MS

Excel. I know a housewife who writes her entire grocer-

ies list on Excel, divides it into categories, adds all the costs together, and then makes a graph of her savings each month. She even filters expensive items when showing the list to her husband to get him to pay up.

Using Excel on a projector. No matter how good you are

at Excel, as soon as you are using it on a projector in front of the company CEO, you forget every formula in the world.

How simple it seems at first. You open it up, look at

the millions of empty square boxes and think, how difficult can it really be? I mean, I make killer presenta-

tions on Powerpoint, know everything there is to know

about Word, so Excel will be a piece of cake. Wrong!

Excel is worlds apart from these two applications. No no, scratch that — Excel is evil!

54

should

trated if you don’t know Microsoft Excel. In-

6 7 8 9 10

The hide/filter option. I spent an entire day redoing my entire list over and over again only because some jerk from work decided to screw with my head by hiding the

data repeatedly. He had the guts to tell me, “You never save your data, that’s what Excel does every 5 minutes, it erases it all.” Five hours of my life wasted!

The useless help option. I put in a simple query. “How to add data? These were my results: ‘Load or unload addin programs. Load the Solver Add-in. Enable or disable add-ins in Office programs. Add a shape to a SmartArt

graphic. Add clips to Clip Organiser.’ If it can’t tell me how to add 2 and 2, what good is it really?

Excel courses. More than a few companies have tried to

lessen my disdain for the program but each time I come out only “Excelling” at deleting and merging columns!

The updated versions. When you finally learn to add

data, your company decides to update the Microsoft

package, leaving you battling with the latest version of Excel which is evil-er than the last one.

My inability to add data on Excel. For God’s sake, will someone please help me add my list?!! a