Ms APRIL 5, 2015
ISSUE NO. 146
The five stages of grief page
2
Their gain, your loss? — Cut out the negativity
6
page
inside En vogue —
Summer fantasy
Domestic goddess —
Cheesy garlic rusks
Section In-Charge: Dilaira Dubash Sub-Editors: Amna Hashmi Nisma Chauhan Feedback: women@tribune.com.pk
8
page
The creative Attiya Noon
2
Ms
The buzz
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
The Gravity of Grief And How We Cope With It Whether we lose a loved one or fail at something our heart is set upon, everyone of us knows grief at some point in our lives. Interestingly, however, we all react to it differently. MsT delves into this debilitating emotion to understand the different ways in which we cope with it By Ans Khurram | Design by Talha khan
Even though most of us know little about psychology, we have all heard plenty about depression and grief and how they manifest themselves. One can argue that the suicide of renowned comedian Robin Williams sparked a much-needed debate on the dark side of human psychology. Most recently, Bollywood starlet Deepika Padukone has come forth and confessed to suffering from depression. Thanks to this exposure, our eyes have been opened to some disabling emotions but unfortunately, most of us are simply aware of the general theme only. Hardly anyone knows that grief and depression have certain stages they manifest themselves in, the number of which remains undetermined. According to most experts, grief begins with denial and ends at acceptance, with a myriad of stages in between. Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross made things clearer back in 1969 by devising what we now refer to as the Kubler-Ross Model. “This model highlights a series of emotional stages experienced by individuals who survived the death of a loved-one,” explains Sumira Siddique, who holds an M Phil in Psychology and currently works as a Student Wellness Counselor at the Ghulam Ishaq Khan Institute in KhyberPakhtunkhwa. Ever since its publication in Elisabeth’s book On Death and Dying, the Kubler-Ross model has become the definitive model to treat grief (induced by the death of a loved one). “It deals with grief related to death of loved ones, or loss of any important figure in one’s life,” adds Sumira. In a nutshell, the KublerRoss Model divides grief into five main stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is, however, crucial to note that the stages have evolved since their introduction and even been misinterpreted over the past three decades. For instance, Sumira claims that the model wasn’t meant to compress a mess of emotions into stringent packages. “We need to understand that every person is different,” she explains. “Every person has a different response to the situation they face. Everyone reacts differently.” In fact, Elisabeth has busted a key myth that is associated with her model herself: there is no set order in which human beings react. Contrary to popular belief, the stages Elisabeth denoted can occur in any random order as there is no set pattern to them. They do, however, help patients and doctors classify the problems at hand. Additionally,
people often think of the stages as momentary lapses in otherwise normal behaviour. But in reality, any one stage may last minutes, hours, weeks or even months. One may weave in and out of stages multiple times or exhibit two stages simultaneously. Zohaib Rana, a researcher at Agha Khan University Hospital in Karachi lends credence to this, saying, “Not everyone goes through all of the stages or exhibits them in a prescribed order.” He draws on his own experience of losing his father and shares, “When my father passed away, I went into denial first. Once circumstances began to sink in, various emotions exploded within me. Depression, anger and bargaining all came simultaneously for me.” In her book, Elisabeth has also suggested that the stages are not a complete list of all the emotions one could possibly feel. Not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event will experience all five of the emotions. The stages are but natural responses When my father passed away, I went to loss that most people have but into denial first. Once circumstances there is not a typical response as there is no typical loss — every began to sink in, various emotions situation is different. Homemaker Afzal Naeem, for instance, recalls exploded within me. Depression, anger and the pain she felt after losing her bargaining all came simultaneously for me first-born during childbirth. “It is impossible to classify the emotion Researcher Zohaib Rana a mother feels when she loses a child,” says Afzal. “I remember I was in so much shock in that moment that my blood pressure dropped. Later on, all throughout my second pregnancy, I was terrified that history would repeat itself and I would lose my second son too.” Telecom engineer Suleiman Khan and his brother Adnan provide an interesting take on grief after surviving a devastating car accident. “My car drove off a mountainside in Islamabad,” says Suleiman. “I was severely injured and bedridden for weeks. But despite that, I felt none of the five stages at all, not even one. What happened was tragic but we shouldn’t dwell on tragedies.” Adnan, on the other hand, lost consciousness upon seeing his brother wounded so badly. “I fainted at the sight!” he says.
3
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
Interestingly, Suleiman’s take on grief and emotions in general is echoed by American psychologist George Bonanno, who teaches clinical psychology at Columbia University. In his book The Other Side of Sadness, George claims that natural resilience is a main component of grief and trauma reactions. His work demonstrates that an absence of grief or trauma symptoms is actually a healthy outcome, rather than something to be feared, as has been suggested by the Kubler-Ross model. Bonanno is also the genius behind the phrase “coping ugly” which suggests that some forms of coping with grief may seem counter-intuitive. These could range from unexplained laughter, celebration or an overall happy mood. Sumira also points out some external factors play a key role in determining our reactions to difficult situations. She believes that the current turmoil in Pakistan is slowly habituating our responses to grief. “The constant stream of terrorist-related activities is making our society immune to violence, fear and loss,” she explains, “There is an immediate need to educate people. Worryingly, we are beginning to confuse resilience with apathy and indifference.” There are many like American clinical counselor and author of wellness blog Modern Loss Megan Devine, a clinical counselor, who criticise the Kubler-Ross Model for being too stringent in nature. In an article she wrote for The Huffington Post back in 2013, entitled “The 5 Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don’t Help Anyone,”
The constant stream of terroristrelated activities is making our society immune to violence, fear and loss. There is an immediate need to educate people. Worryingly, we are beginning to confuse resilience with apathy and indifference Student Wellness Counselor Sumira Siddique Megan argues that unlike what the model suggests, dealing with grief has no finish line. She also asserts that many people often revert back to grief (any of the five stages) after getting out of it, concluding that no emotion can be put within a framework or clustered into a set pattern. The common narrative, therefore, would be that most people have misinterpreted grief completely. The Kubler-Ross model unfortunately, doesn’t provide any milestones in the path of relieving grief. Rather, our grief is as individual as our lives. In another book, titled On Grief and Grieving, published a decade after her death last year, Elisabeth has expressed her regret over publishing the model as people misunderstood the five common stages as five definitive experiences. As she said in the last few days of her life, “I am more than these five stages. And so are you.”
Kubler-Ross model The five stages, as described in the book On Death and Dying:
Denial In this stage, a person prefers a false or preferable reality. Denial helps us pace our grief and suppresses other emotions. When one is in shock and denial, they go numb and don’t feel anything. Instead, we go directly to moving on without processing the loss properly. Many people simply live on a daily basis. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. But it is only after we accept reality that we begin the healing process. As the denial fades, one feels stronger in dealing with the pain.
Anger When our denial starts to dissipate, we grow frustrated, especially at people in close proximity. Common psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase include ‘Why me? It’s not fair!’ or ‘How can this happen to me?’ One should be willing to feel their anger, even though it may seem endless. It express whatever we are holding inside. Many experts take loss-induced anger as an indication of love.
Bargaining The third stage involves the hope that we can avoid a potential cause of grief. Most commonly, people negotiate with a higher power and request a positive change in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Similarly, an individual may use anything valuable against another human agency to extend or prolong life. People facing less serious trauma may choose to bargain or seek compromise. Often, we beat ourselves up over the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’ which causes us to find fault in ourselves.
Depression During this stage, we focus on the present and become distressed by the eventuality of death. Herein, we may become silent, reclusive and spend much of our time feeling sullen. Common questions that arise during this phase include ‘I’m so sad, why bother with anything?’ or ‘I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?’ A lot of people who lose an intimate partner question whether they should continue living or not. It is completely normal to experience depression after the death of a loved one.
Acceptance Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being alright with what has happened but that is hardly ever the case. Most of us never come to terms with the loss of a loved one. On the contrary, this phase is about accepting the fact that our loved one is physically gone and recognising that this new reality is, in fact, the permanent reality. In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality and the inevitable future. People dying may precede survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual and stable emotions.
Ms
En vogue
Summer Fantasy
4
Maria B’s latest lawn collection boats soothing colours and unique prints. Location: Galle, Sri Lanka Hair stylist: Deeniti Makeup artist: Priyantha Dissanayaka Label: Maria B Photography: Muhammad Azam Models: Urwa Hocane and Mawra Hocane
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
5
6
Ms
Lifestyle
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
Their Gain, Your Loss?
ost of us consider being a good listener crucial for the success of any relationship. It is a quality that denotes how patient we are as people and how much we are willing to give to others. A good listener is what we seek in our parents, friends and romantic partners as subconsciously, the term is associated with being a good person. Unfortunately, most of the listening we are required to do comprises of negative thoughts, complaints and a whole lot of whining from our loved ones. And while every good relationship indeed relies on effective communication, did you know that exposing yourself to excessive complaining can damage your brain permanently? Yes, being a good listener comes with a price! According to the New York Times best-selling author Trevor Blake, exposing ourselves to just half an hour of complaining can hamper the part of the brain responsible for problem solving. In his book titled Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life, Trevor mentions that listening to someone complain, actively or passively, begets negativity. In other words, the more you listen to someone criticise or complain, the more negative you become about yourself. This includes the most trivial of situations, such as a friend crying over the death of their favourite television character or your mother scolding your domestic helper for excessive holidays. The slightest bit of negativity is likely to make one irritable and difficult to please. A new field of scientific study, known as contemplative neuroscience or self-destructive evolution, addresses how each of our thoughts affects the size and functioning of various parts of our brain. This indicates the permanent physical changes our thoughts perpetrate. For instance, contemplative neuroscientists investigated brain scans of famous thinkers such as Buddha and found that they had bigger brains compared to those who didn’t think as much. However, bigger isn’t always better. While on one hand, an increase in a part of your brain may mean you are creating new neurons and growing smarter, on the other, the growth stems from the negativity. Constant worrying breeds negativity and makes us dim-witted. In fact, in many contemplative neuro-scientific researches, it has been proven that passively listening to someone complain for more than thirty minutes damages the neurons of hippocampus — a part of the brain responsible for problem solving and memory.
Exposing ourselves to just half an hour of complaining hampers the part of the brain responsible for problem solving. Of course, this doesn’t deter us from whining or maintaining distance from those of our loved ones who whine chronically. “As a supervisor, I encourage my residents
Listening to other people complain may make you a good person but it will also limit your ability to solve your own problems By Natasha Khalid | Design by Eesha Azam
to talk to me about their problems,” says Dr Qurat-ul-Ain, a neuro-psychiatrist at the Agha University Hospital (AKUH) in Karachi. “But if someone complains on a daily basis, they are more likely to have an underlying, cognitive dysfunction, mood or personality disorder,” she adds. Dr Qurat-ul-Ain further explains that many of these people have external fears such as being mugged, social anxiety or being disliked in an extended family set up. Such things are out of their control and therefore, they resort to complaining, as a means to vent out pent-up frustrations. Hena Jawaid, a senior instructor of psychiatry at AKUH, shares a similar view in that she believes constant crying or complaining is unhealthy and may impede rational judgement and thinking. She explains that since the onset of the online culture, social media websites like Facebook and Twitter provide more opportunity for youngsters to complain, promote emotional protests and seek attention, all of which contribute to whining. “Usually a whiner is in a perpetual conflict with his/her inner self, unable to show the aggression, resentment and anger they feel,” explains Dr Hena. She also adds that the failure to vent out on oneself propels the negativity outwards. However, if we make an active effort, we can help our loved ones by understanding the nature of their conflict, personality, childhood experiences and social status. Helping them in the area where they find themselves at a loss will make them feel more at ease. As for ourselves, these simple steps can help maintain our sanity:
1.
Getting away: Whenever you think someone is getting ready to whine, distance yourself and find a quick escape. And in case you find yourself still listening to their grumbling passively, block your mind out from that moment. In other words, disconnect completely.
2. Offer a solution: Of course, disconnecting doesn’t mean we desert those close to us. Whenever possible, we should try to solve their issues and if we have no advice to share, ask them what they would like to do.
3. Accept and appreciate: We can’t help another if we are unable to help ourselves. It may be hard but it is important to make an active effort towards mending our flaws. A positive change will make us happier in the long run.
4. Take up a hobby: Spending time on activities we enjoy will not only make us happy, it will also provide a much-needed outlet for aggression. Exercise in particular, has been proven to release endorphins, a hormone found in the brain which makes us feel happy. Lastly, we must remember that we have the power to focus our thoughts in any direction. Mastering the ability to channel them in positively will keep emotional negativity at bay and make us more cheerful.
Domestic goddess 7
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, APRIL 5, 2015
By Huba Akbar
Cheesy garlic rusks
How to get rid of the smell of garlic The bitterness of mozzarella and the raw taste of garlic make these rusks the ideal tea-time snacks
We are all guilty of loving the strong, tangy taste of garlic. Whether it’s in our favourite chicken rolls or simple garlic mushrooms, we simply can’t get enough of this delicious vegetable. But every good thing has a price we must pay. In the case of garlic, it manifests itself in the form of an unpleasant smell that lingers well after we are done cooking or eating it. But fret not as these easy home remedies can eliminate the smell quickly.
Ingredients
For the hands: Did you know that garlic is actually a member of the onion family, which explains the strong scent? The smell can be controlled by running our hands under cold water and rubbing a stainless steel object on our hands simultaneously.
• • • • • •
For bad breath: If you feel conscious of your breath after eating garlic, then these simple steps can help you regain your confidence:
Rusks 4 Mozzarella cheese (grated) 1/2 cup Garlic (finely chopped) 6 Parsley (chopped) as desired Oregano (crushed) 1/2 tsp Butter 2 tsp
• Chew fresh parsley, tea or mint leaves to refresh your mouth. A simple mint or chewing gum will also do. • Add more vegetables to the meal to counter the smell of garlic. For instance, follow up a garlic-infused meal with carrots, lemons or mushrooms.
Method
• Green tea has been proven to neutralise some of the compounds in garlic that give way to foul smells.
• Preheat oven to 120oC. • In a small bowl, mix the butter with garlic and cheese until they form a smooth paste. • Spread the paste on the rusks and bake them for approximately 10 minutes or so. • Once baked, sprinkle some oregano and chopped parsley on the rusks and serve warm.
• Another rather silly home remedy is to ingest a spoonful of mustard and swish it around in your mouth for 30 seconds before spitting it out. Then take another spoon and swallow it completely. It has been proven to kill the smell. • When cooking food with garlic, follow the traditional trick of slicing off the end of the vegetable, peeling it, cutting it in half and removing the little stem from both sides. SOURCE: ORGANICS.ORG
Diaries e world A glimpse into th rhouses we po i of Pakistan
What sparked your interest in interior designing? I have always loved beauty in all its forms. My mother had a furniture business for a few years and when we moved back from London to Lahore as a family, so it was a natural choice for me. How do you turn your ideas into reality? I have a fantastic team that never says no to me! I don’t have carpenters but artisans who are passionate about their craft and thrive on the challenges I present them with. Reality is usually better than ideas! Trends and styles are constantly changing and people want to have the latest in their homes. How do you manage to keep your clientele satisfied? It’s important to keep abreast of trends and styles because society always evolves with respect to what people need and want, especially in home design. So I make sure to keep tabs on changing moods. However, things like good proportion and classic lines are timeless.
Woman of the week 8
What is the hardest part about working in the interior designing industry? The hardest part is marrying your personal aesthetic to the client’s aesthetic which, even though is evolving rapidly still has a long way to go. What is the most important thing to keep in mind when designing for a project? The most important thing to keep in mind is the client, their requirements and tastes. Then we look at lighting, room size, layout, etcetera. The idea is never to overpower with design but to create a well proportioned cohesive space. Do you think there is much scope for interior designing in Pakistan? Yes! The public is seeing more value in having their spaces designed, which in return creates market and maximises scope!
At a PFDC ev ent.
How would you encourage women to become successful entrepreneurs? No one should be an entrepreneur for the sake of being one. It is important to find your passion first and the business will follow naturally. Women, in fact make the best entrepreneurs due to their ability to view things in a holistic way. Also, they can multitask with ease. Any advice for young women aspiring to become interior designers? Less is more and colours exist to enhance, not overpower.
With Mahgul and Ayesha.
Interior designer and creative director at Home Couture With Sana, Anee la, Nida, Khadija h Shah and Saleeha at a socia l event.
Herw willisisher her He Her will
greates eatest strength greatest strength Kulsume Hai has remained resilient through every storm life threw her way By Our Correspondent | Design by Maryam Rashid Kulsume Hai’s family has always been involved in public service. Her grandfather was in the British army and father, Syed Muhammad Abdul Hai, in the police. She says with pride that her father was famous for his integrity and that she and her sister follow in his footsteps. “His legacy, is honesty and his greatest gifts were values, wisdom and books,” recalls Kulsume. Much like her father, Kulsume hopes to make a difference in society through her efforts. “I always had a passion for public service and I joined the Pakistan Administrative Service, not out of necessity but out of choice.” “What you believe in is what defines you,” Kulsume claims. After years of hard work and countless challenges, she still retains her idealism and will to help others. “My will has been my greatest strength. It has taught me to be bold and uncompromising and to stand up against injustice even when that means making enemies.” Kulsume first shot to fame as the assistant commissioner Lahore Cantt back in 2009, when a group of lawyers complained against her after she had made life difficult for the land mafia. “I stood strong and surprisingly,
received a lot of support from both my senior and junior colleagues, the political leadership and in particular the media,” she shares. After two months of hardship, she was transferred elsewhere and the incident became frontpage news. Disillusioned and disappointed, Kulsume thought her career as an officer had been compromised forever. “But I received so much respect from people that it made everything easier,” she recalls. Even Kulsume’s turbulent personal life hasn’t been able to break her. “My marriage was difficult and unhappy from the start but my divorce was even more traumatic,” she says. “I never wanted a divorce for the sake of my children and tried to avoid it. I buried myself more and more in work to avoid thinking of how unhappy I was in my personal life.” Looking back, she admits that her work became her reason to live. Immediately after her divorce, Kulsume’s father passed away, leaving her completely alone and without any support. But she continued to aim high for the sake of her children. “It gives me so much joy to be able to provide for them and to see them proud of me. I do all I can to ensure that they
are looked after. I am proud that I did not give up, despite seeing very difficult times,” she says. Last year, Kulsume began to piece her life together by writing a blog. “I don’t update it too frequently because it is difficult to take out time for it, but I like writing,” she says. She also plans to write columns in newspapers and work on a collection of short stories. “Hopefully, I will be able to publish them this year,” she says. “My fiction writing is my creative outlet. My blog and other writings are an outlet for the frustration I feel at the social injustices in our society.”