The Express Tribune hi five - August 18

Ms AUGUST 18, 2013

ISSUE NO. 61

On the Silk Road

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Understanding the stepmother

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2 inside fashion smashion—

A chevron revolution

domestic goddess —

Tantalizing tortillas

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Section In-Charge: Batool Zehra

Pakistan’s next top male model

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the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

the myth of the evil stepmother Must the stepmother always be the villain? Ms.T explores if we are right to regard the ‘other mother’ in such a way

by Rahat Kamal

If a mother reprimands her child, it is justified and natural for she is simply fulfilling her motherly duties. But catch a stepmother doing so and there will be a storm of disapproval. We have all seen plenty of family soap operas with the hackneyed storyline of the evil stepmother terrorizing her innocent stepchildren to understand that the mother and stepmother do not hold the same leverage. If the stepmother so much as raises her voice at her stepchild, everyone from her husband to her in-laws regard it as abuse. She is not seen as a woman putting her heart and soul into raising someone else’s child but a monster trying to wreak havoc and all she hears is, “If the child was her own, she would never have done that.”

Such is the astringent reality of being a stepmother, be it in Pakistan or anywhere else in the world. The role of the ‘other mother’ is highly demonized in the media as well, often depicted as a character possessing only negative traits and evil aspirations, programming us to feel the same. Cinderella’s stepmother made her a maid

in her own home so we must hate her. Baroness von Schraeder of The Sound of Music intended to send the von Trapp kids away to boarding school once she became their stepmother and hence, we must hate her too. But this morbid image of stepmothers is a far cry from reality which makes it even more challenging for real-world stepmothers to live up to their role. In reality, being a stepmother is a daunting task.

Although Shahana’s* experience of adjusting within her family has been fairly pleasant compared to that of other stepmothers, thanks to the support of her husband, she admits that playing the heavily criticized role is difficult, especially with all the negative connotations attached to it. “Keeping this in mind, I have to make a conscious effort to be friendly and forgiving with my stepchildren and not interfere in their lives too much,” she confesses. “I always choose my words wisely to avoid giving them any wrong thoughts that can [strenghten] negative ideas

The role of the ‘other mother’ is highly demonized in the media as well. She is often depicted as a character possessing only negative traits and evil aspirations, programming us to feel the same

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

- good and bad 1) Asmat Aara from Humnasheen: This dichotomous character keeps us guessing her true intentions from the start to finish, despite raising her stepchildren with the utmost devotion.

2) Jia from Tanhai: Forcefully married to an older man, Jia is shocked to meet her two stepchildren on her wedding night. But, this does not stop her from accepting and raising them as her own and eventually, winning their hearts.

3) Atiqa from Kadoorat: Atiqa is faced with many problems at the hands of the troubled minor, including a brief row with a live snake! Nonetheless, Atiqa is genuine in her efforts to win her stepdaughter’s affection and maintains a cordial relationship throughout.

4) Ulfat from the PTV serial Aanch: While her husband is a kind-hearted and humble man, Ulfat’s three stepchildren refuse to accept her into their family and the story revolves around the difficult time she undergoes because of them.

However, patience and tolerance help Ulfat turn things in her favour and she emerges successful in the end.

5) Eleanor Mason from Desperate Housewives: As Bree’s uptight and rude stepmother to whom appearance means everything, Eleanor doesn’t even budge when her step son-in-law Andrew is suffering a heart attack.

6) Mrs. Dashwood from Sense & Sensibility: Left in severe financial straits by her late husband’s death, Mrs. Dashwood gives her stepdaughters support against their greedy sister-in-law and even moves to a new city to save them from the family feud.

they might have about me,” Shahana adds.

Agreeing with Shahana, Integrative Psychotherapist Anees Fatima Hakeem (Therapy Works Pakistan) explains, “There are clear negative ideals with regard to stepmothers that have been derived from popular culture, like movies and fairytales.” Unfortunately, this may cloud our judgement of a particular person regardless of how they might actually be. Dr Hakeem also adds, “Humans have a tendency to stereotype people as either good or bad when in reality, we consist of both. Add to this the antagonistic cultural notions we have of stepmothers and it becomes a gargantuan task for them to contend with the extended family, not just the stepchildren!”

Maria* was eight and her brother five when her father remarried, two years after the passing of their birth mother. “Our stepmother looked after us like we were her own and never let us feel the absence of our real mother.” Their stepmother’s devotion was so strong that when she had a baby daughter of her own, she would not dote on her in front of Maria and her brother lest they feel ignored. Despite this, however, their relationship was put to the test when upon Maria’s twelfth birthday, her stepmother began teaching her things young adults ought to know and disciplining her. Maria confesses that around this time, she developed a strong dislike for her stepmother which was amplified further by a relative she was close with. “I was told bad things about my stepmother, like she didn’t love me anymore and her real daughter had taken my place.” Hoping to exploit Maria’s impressionable age, the extended family tried their best to sabotage the relationship but ultimately failed as Maria instead took to expressing her feelings to her stepmother. In response, her stepmother became even nicer to and from there on, they have shared a very pleasant relationship together.

On the other hand, Laila* has not been as lucky as Maria’s stepmother in assimilating into her family. At the time of her wedding, her three and six-year-old stepchildren had been abandoned by their birth mother and the deprivation of a mother figure made them fall in love with Laila instantly. Unfortunately, merely one year into her marriage, the birth mother returned and shook their happy little world. Soon, the children began to distance themselves

I love my children and would do anything for their happiness,” says Laila. “But I have not been given the right to say anything to them.

Nothing hurts me more than watching them love their real mother more. But alas, she will always be their real mother no matter what from Laila and often complained to their real mother about her, who in turn fuelled their ill-feeling and tried to manipulate their young minds. Oftentimes, when they would return from their birth mother’s house, they would seem to have been fed all sorts of false things about Laila. “I had the worst time trying to make them do their homework, finish their meals or clean their rooms,” says Laila, ruefully. “They wanted to do things their own — or their mother’s — way and if I scolded them, they retaliated by reminding me I was not their real mother.”

Laila speculates that these difficulties could have been avoided entirely had her husband been supportive. On the contrary, she

complains that, “Every time I try to discipline them, the children throw a fit and my husband says I am being unreasonable. Not to mention, he calls up his ex-wife to console the children which makes me feel horrid, like I am trying to harm them in some way.”

Ultimately, the drama seeps into Laila’s marriage and the atmosphere in the house becomes depressing. “I love my children and would do anything for their happiness,” says Laila. “But I have not been given the right to say anything to them. Nothing hurts me

The stepmother must remain open-minded and allow the child to express suppressed feelings, even if they are negative. This kind of behaviour has more to do with the child than the stepmother personally more than watching them love their real mother more. But alas, she will always be their real mother no matter what.”

However, there are some ways to avoid the family drama and bridge the gap between stepmothers and their families. Dr Hakeem suggests creating firm boundaries that are strong enough to control the children’s behaviour but not too strong to make them rebellious. A child should be allowed to express anger but not use foul language, for example. This allows feelings to be heard and trust to develop. Also, as with all regular families, “If children sense that their parents are not united, they can manipulate situations to their advantage.” Hence, it is advisable that a couple maintains a united front no matter what their parenting style.

Dr Hakeem also highlights instances of when the stepmotherchild relation can prove beneficial for the family. “If the relationship with the birth mother was traumatic, say she was depressed and neglected the child, then closeness with the stepmother can be hugely reparative,” she explains. “The stepmother must remain open-minded and allow the child to express suppressed feelings, even if they are negative. This kind of behaviour has more to do with the child than the stepmother personally. She must remember that!” Naturally, if the adult is emotionally unstable, he or she will be unable to cope with a child’s instability. Dr. Hakeem prescribes therapy in such cases as it encourages the parents to work on their own issues before others.

At times, angry children find it difficult to show their vulnerable selves because their life experiences have taught them that it is not always safe to do. These children often resort to violence. In such cases, any act of kindness from the stepmother can aggravate them more because to show their vulnerabilities is unimaginable for them; their emotional wounds are guarded by a powerful sense of self-preservation that keeps them closed off from others. “We can help this issue via therapy too,” suggests Dr Hakeem. “One-onone therapy sessions with the child in question work best!”

It is now high time that we make an effort to abrogate the distorted perception we have developed of stepmothers and accept them into society as people. We must relieve them from concocted biases and recognize that for every wicked stepmother that might exist, there are a hundred more that have nothing but affection for their stepchildren and must be given due praise and a fighting chance. *Names have been changed for privacy

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Ms

en vogue

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

On the silk road...

Shehla Chatoor displays her latest collection of printed silks with tribal infusions and golden accents

Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Hair & Makeup & Photography: Guddu Shaani 360 Degrees Designer: Shehla Chatoor Model: Sana Sarfaraz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

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fashion smashion

Bring on the Chevron!

by Eiman Masroor For those who don’t know, chevron prints are wide, zigzag lines that are doing the rounds in clothing and accessories these days. You must have seen them on palazzos, tunics, clutches and even nail art but unfortunately, this funky style has remained under-rated and never made it to the forefront — until now! Chevron prints comes in all colours and sizes and can instantly brighten up your life. Some might find the zigzag lines a bit too much but here is the good news: Chevron prints look as great in interior decor as on clothes! Check out our tips for how you can add these prints to your life and get your groove on.

Start off with your wardrobe as it is easy to change lest chevron isn’t your thing. This design looks best paired with a single-shade item so if you have chevron-printed pants, make sure you top it off with a plain shirt and vice-versa to maintain the focus on the former. Bright zigzags stand out most on calmer base colours — this is the ideal combination for those who like to keep it casual and cool.

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

When it comes to picking out colours, you can either go for some neutral shades — tea pink, beige, ivory, sky blue, peach or grey — to tone down the effect of chevron, or neon and bold colours like hot pink, red, yellow or even emerald green. The most common combination is probably black and white but it can sometimes come off as a little overpowering so make sure you don’t have too much of it in a single room.

Chevron is classic, clean, modern, versatile and lively and definitely stands out and apart from home decoration. It can be used on a variety of different things such as linens, table runners or napkins, sofa covers, accessories and clothing. With this stylish, summer print, are you ready to make heads turn?

The best thing about chevron prints is their versatility. If you are apprehensive of wearing them, play it safe by starting with chevron-printed accessories to liven up your outfit. A neon chevron scarf will look great with a darker-coloured cardigan, for example and also keep your cosy as the temperatures begin to cool down this autumn. Accessorize with chevron purses, jewellery and watches to give yourselves an extra pizazz. We promise you will love it.

For those who feel chevron lines will be too risky but love the idea of this jazzy style, we have a solution. Why not add some zigzag to your home? Start off with some chevron-patterned throw pillows or cushions to test the water — if you don’t like the feel, they can easily be replaced. Avoid spending too much; get some old fabric, pick out two shades that you think will complement each other well and paint alternating zigzag lines on it yourself.

You can also spruce up the look of a room by adding a chevron-printed rug. When it comes to clothes, the design or can prove a little overwhelming but when it comes to interior ms to be tthe magic ingrediredidecoration, a vibrant zigzag rug seems g life to an otherwise du ent, immediately giving dull room.

domestic goddess 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

Tortilla wraps can be an anytime, any day snack. Take them along on a picnic or munch on them at lunch or serve for dinner. The centre filling provides all the goodness of meat and veggies and the pineapple juice makes it soft and delicious.

Recipe Tortilla wraps with Chicken Pineapple Filling

Madiha Hamid is a digital media professional.

She runs a food blog for Pakistani and regional cuisines called cheflingtales.com.

Follow her on Twitter @cheflingtales

Method • Fry the marinated chicken on high heat until it is cooked thoroughly • In a separate pan, fry all the vegetables on high heat with a bit of olive oil. Make sure to toss them so that they stay crisp. Fry the onion until it becomes transparent and season it with salt.

• Add the fried vegetables to the chicken and cook them together for 2-3 minutes to mix the flavours.

• Taste the filling and add more salt if need be.

• Take the chicken and vegetable filling off the stove and divide it into 8 equal portions.

• Make the salsa sauce by blending the tomato, green chilies and ½ tsp of salt into a smooth paste.

• Heat both sides of each tortilla wrap (without oil) • Add the salsa sauce, chicken filing and cheese onto the tortillas and fold them in half. You can also wrap in the form of a roll.

• Serve with the salsa dip!

For the filling:

Small sized tortilla wraps 8 — 10

Chicken breast (diced) 2

Onion (julienned) 1

Red capsicum (julienned) 1

For marinating the chicken:

Pineapple juice from the tin ½ cup

Red chili flakes 1 tsp

Pineapple chunks (diced in small cubes) optional

Grated cheddar cheese ½ cup

For the Salsa sauce:

Salt 1 tsp

Ginger-garlic paste 1 tbsp

Tomato 1

Green chilies 2—3

Sugar 1 tsp

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 18, 2013

hottie of the week 8

Status Born

Single Lahore, Pakistan

Birthday

13th April, 1992

Face

98%

Bilal Butt Who is he?

You may vaguely recognize this beautiful face from fashion magazines and television but little will you know that Bilal Butt is creating ripples across the Pakistani media as the next ‘it’ guy! Drawing inspiration from Arnold Schwarzenegger for his ‘devil may care’ attitude, Bilal entered the fashion industry with the goal of becoming Pakistani’s next top male model and changing the way people regard modelling forever. His determination has led him to countless modelling projects with some of the biggest names in fashion and will hopefully carry him forward, all the way to the top. Our prayers are definitely with Bilal cause who would want to miss out on those sharp eyes and porcelain skin for even one second! Not to mention those wash-board abs that make Bilal look like he’s carved in white stone.

Body

95%

Talent

85%

Why we love him Being the steamiest and arguably the prettiest rising star on the fashion ramps, Bilal has successfully earned the heartthrob stamp at the tender age of just twenty-one. His irresistible charm and sex appeal are drool-worthy and he works hard to maintain it all! A fitness enthusiast, Bilal makes sure he plays some football daily or hits the gym, not just because his job calls for it but because Bilal is very particular about his health!

Aside from his unbelievably good looks, Bilal is just an average boy who can be found on his Xbox 360 in his free time, along with a bunch of his close friends. He likes to keep busy at all times and hates taking rest so this jetsetter is almost always out and about, socializing or working hard to make his mark on the world and our hearts. Lets just say this super sexy boy-next-door is our very own Chace Crawford!

What you didn’t know about him Bilal’s favourite cuisine is Chinese.

His idea of a perfect adventure is a trip to France which he would ideally like to take with his friends.

Bilal is looking for a sincere and loving life-partner who will support him through thick or thin and give him her utmost attention. Hmm… Ladies, we suggest you try to score an invite to that trip to France before it is too late!

Total Package

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