Ms AUGUST 30, 2015
ISSUE NO. 167
Surviving as a single parent
2
page
Designing with empathy
6
page
inside En vogue — A burst of colour
Domestic goddess — Crispy green chicken wings
Section In-Charge: Dilaira Dubash Sub-Editors: Amna Hashmi Nisma Chauhan Designer: Umar Waqas Feedback: women@tribune.com.pk
8
page
The diligent Saba Pervez Dada
2
Ms
The buzz
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
By Anum Shaharyar As a specialist in child psychology, Dr Nargis Asad has much to say about children that hail from single-parent families. “If it is the mother raising them alone, her situation may take a psychological toll on the children as they might grow up feeling the absence of a father figure in their lives and vice versa,” she explains. “A child’s social circle, schooling and overall self-esteem are at risk within single-parent families.” According to Dr Nargis, who works as an assistant professor of psychiatry at the Aga Khan University Hospital in Karachi, the typical Pakistani joint-family set-up can aggravate the effects on these children. “Joint-families offer the child substitute role models of both genders to look up to, such as grandparents or cousins. Despite this, surrogate guardians are not an ideal replacement for parents,” she adds. But the children are not the only ones who suffer within the single-parent family. In a society that is ready with a disparaging comment or two upon a mere moment’s notice, it becomes extremely difficult for certain groups of people to escape the unwanted attention that comes their way. Since Pakistan still operates from a relatively conservative mindset, anything that goes beyond the norm of a nuclear family – i.e. father, mother and a child – is deemed ‘different’ and worthy of censure. Under such circumstances, it is hardly surprisingly that being a single parent in our part of the world becomes all the more daunting for the parent in question. There is much debate over the children but minimal consideration is given to what their single parent might be going through whilst trying to provide for their offspring. “Loneliness is the predominant feeling, especially amongst single mothers,” says Dr Nargis. She attributes this to the fact that single mothers are less likely to remarry than their male counterparts, who are more respected and find new partners quickly. Nonetheless, research suggests that whichever of them chooses to remain single faces a multitude of other problems. In a nutshell, the exact situations might differ but both single mothers and fathers go through similar psychological processes whilst raising their families.
In many countries, there exist social structures that support single parenting and offer financial assistance to those who are doing it. On the flip side, the lack of a joint-family system makes raising children even harder. Ayesha Rizwan, for instance, is a single mother who raised a daughter all alone in the US after divorcing her husband. She recently returned to Pakistan and although the child now attends university, Ayesha still feels a great cultural shift. “In America you have to do everything on your own, from cleaning to cooking to driving. There is a certain degree of independence in raising your child,” she explains. “And yet, having a support system really helps. I am staying with my brother and his family in Pakistan. Had it not been for their backing, it would have been really hard for me,” admits Ayesha.
Sad as it may be, there is a great disparity between how people regard single parents who lost their spouses and single parents who experienced a divorce. This disparity frequently manifests itself in society’s attitude towards single mothers in particular. In the case of Saba Shahid, a widower with two sons, people were very forgiving and as a result she didn’t have to deal with much negativity. “I haven’t had to face many problems in terms of my status as a single mother because my family has always been by my side,” shares Saba, who has been looking after her sons since her husband passed away in 2013. “They spoke on my behalf every time there was a need,” she adds.
3
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
easier for a man to be a single parent but this could not be further from the truth. Male parental figures are usually left figuring things out on their own too, much like single mothers. Since the easy option for most of them is to let their ex-wives take the children, there is no support system in place for single fathers to help cope with the stress.
Where mothers are considered to be the sole caretakers of the home, one can conclude that our social system is geared towards female control over the lives of the young ones - a fact Adnan is well aware of. He points at how schools assume that a child’s mother will take care of their homework or joint studies plans with other kids. Not to mention, women can resort to social systems like ‘kitty parties’ to discuss their experiences and learn from one another while men are much more reluctant to open up with others. Besides schooling, there are the everyday issues of keeping the children fit and healthy – a pertinent issue when the single parent is raising a child of the different gender. Saba, who leaves her kids with their grandparents while she is at work, does not believe that women are incapable of raising children alone, even when they have to work. “It is actually easier for us because women can both work and emotionally connect with their children,” she says. “Most fathers concentrate more on financials factors and lack a woman’s natural nurturing capabilities.”
As a single parent, Saba stresses the importance of time given to one’s children. “Even though our expenses have risen and things are steadily becoming less affordable, parents need to start concentrating on spending quality time with their children instead of working all the time,” she suggests. Full and part-time nannies are available to take care of children but these services can be costly and destroy the bond between the children and parents. General advice includes patience and control over anger, making sure to not use children as a ploy in troubled marriages. We must also realise that even a family with both the parents present is not always a happy one. Dr Nargis explains how some families with both parents are actually quite dysfunctional, disrupting the lives of the children and parents alike. In such a situation, it might be better for the parents to separate and the children to be raised by one of them. Sometimes thwe parent might find it hard to remove doubt or mistrust from other relationships following a bad breakup but as Dr Nargis professes, focusing on positive parenting is important. In this day and age, where children can easily be humoured by something as trivial as an electronic gadget, it is imperative for us to nurture their self-esteem and make them feel loved. Because parents have a natural, biological connection with their children, they should act upon this connection whilst accepting themselves as humans. It is crucial for single parents in particular to forgive themselves for any mistake they might have made and remember there are others out there, struggling to figure things out too. *Name has been changed to protect privacy. Anum Shaharyar is a freelance writer. She is currently pursuing a Master’s degree in Mass Communication.
One of the main issues single parents across the world face is financial constraints, as they are the sole breadwinners of their family. “In a country like Pakistan, where jobs are hard to come by, money issues can be a real problem,” stresses Ayesha, who teaches kindergarten and Montessori level classes at a school near her home. “I had to get a job to support my child and myself. I have to admit that having to deal with these things without a husband is pretty hard,” she adds. Interestingly, the burden of financial instability isn’t restricted to single mothers. Many fathers in similar situations also worry about fulfilling their children’s needs and often have to work twice as hard for it. Adnan Kabir* is one such single father who works a full-time job, despite sharing custody with his former wife. “There is a system in place for taking care of the kids at home,” shares Adnan, adding that the convenience of his children is given top priority.
According to research, single parents can also suffer from feelings of guilt for the lack of a proper father/mother figure in their children’s lives, leading to mental imbalances. In many cases, it is not just the reality of one’s own status as a single parent but the sheer responsibility they feel to fulfil the needs of their children and maintain their lifestyle. For Ayesha, answering her daughter’s inquiries regarding her estranged father is always a point of contention. “I know her feelings are affected but so are mine,” confesses Ayesha. “I can feel lonely, especially when I see my sisters happily married or other women with their husbands. But still, I worry about the effect my divorce has had on my daughter more than anything else. There are lots of small challenges that have to be faced daily,” she adds. Adnan has suffered as a single father too. According to him, some people assume that it’s
Design by Eesha Azam
4
Ms
En vogue
Add colour to your life with 9Lines fusion collection Hair & Make-up: Shoaib Khan Label: 9Lines Lawn Pret Photography & Styling: Abdullah Haris Model: Saheefa Jabbar Khattak
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
5
6
Ms
Lifestyle
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
By Kanwal Tariq Creative people are often deemed to be highly sensitive with an uncanny ability to pick a stimulus from their surroundings and conjure something unexpected out of it. As Albert Einstein once said, “Creativity is seeing what everyone else has seen, and thinking what no one else has thought.” Therefore, by definition, creativity is the formation of innovative ideas, designs and other tangible and intangible masterpieces — an exploration of these in the context of human needs and emotions. While most creative fields like music, writing and painting are artistic in nature, more modern concepts such as design thinking and digital marketing have been incorporated into the arts recently.
Nonetheless, all creative ideas usually spring from the world around us, regardless of whether they take the form of a story, poem, painting or a marketing campaign. This understanding of the emotional sides of other individuals — and the ability to respond to these emotions — is known as ‘empathy.’ Those with creative minds can easily allow another’s emotional experiences take over their own and utilise them in such a way, as to construct novel ideas out of them. These ideas eventually develop into highly innovative forms of art. In fact, research has confirmed the presence of ‘mirror neurons’ in artistic minds, called so on account of their ability to be activated by external emotions as though they were one’s own. Often, this blurs the line between an artist’s self and non-self emotions. Several artists experience these external emotions — also referred to as ‘affective sensitivity’ — and depict them in their art. Poets, for example, often narrate how they felt the same emotions during a particular confrontation. In an article entitled Back to Empathy, the Poetry Foundation blogger Kwame Dawes writes about how his poems were composed while working with HIV/AIDS patients in earthquake-struck Haiti. “As an artist, as a writer, I have to master empathy, and to do so, I must imagine, imagine fully and imagine with discipline and commitment,” wrote Kwame. “If I fail to understand, feel, convey, express what the other person is going through, then my imagination has failed and my art has failed. So for me, the instinct to empathise, which is a very human and morally critical act, existed in my relationship with these people long before I thought of writing a poem about them.” Similarly, Kwame’s poem Coffee Break was inspired by an account narrated by his friend regarding the suddenness of death. In general, people utilise their ability to empathise in different ways. Rukshana Hooda, a semi-abstract artist based in Mumbai, works to raise
awareness for women rights, child labour and the need for educational reforms through her paintings. One of her masterpieces depicts the story of a rape survivor and was nominated for display on Paint for Justice, India’s first real story based artshow. Similarly, Mahnoor Nadeem, a budding poet and writer from Pakistan, found herself writing a series of verses following the December 16th attack on Army Public School in Peshawar. She believes her ability to empathise “brings more life and reality to art.” For those like Rukshana and Mahnoor, even the most abstract forms of art reflect human life and experiences. It must be noted that although suffering and pain always tug on our heartstrings, empathy is not limited to only negative emotions but also ordinary and fleeting feelings one might experience. It involves living the emotions of others whilst ignoring the self. The empathiser typically stays in this state of mind until his art is completed. For instance, Danial Shah, a local photojournalist feels he has no control over his emotions while working on a piece. In fact, he finds it hard to not be influenced by the stories of other people. “They take over me! Their emotions become my emotions and I try to portray whatever is communicated to me through feelings and words,” explains Danial, who acquired much acclaim for his story A Pakistani-Burmese Love Affair from World War II recently. “If it’s joy and happiness, I’ll portray that and if it is sadness and trouble, I’ll report that too.” Seung Chan Lim, the award-winning author of Realising Empathy: An Inquiry Into the Meaning of Making, argued about empathy in his TEDX talk. According to Seung, one who lacks the ability to bring something new to the table is bound to their own perspective of things. Stepping into the shoes of another stimulates the creative process by giving a new meaning to things. Innovators today are therefore, building their products by focusing on customer experiences. Tech giants such as Apple and Google bear testament to the idea that observing what makes their customers happy leads to success. Leon Segal, founder of Innovationship LLC believes that, “Design is all about empathy” and that is what helps him create innovative solutions for any problems that might arise. This concept — known as ‘design thinking’ — relies on customer experiences and incorporating them into everything, from the designing to marketing. Many manufacturers believe it saves time, cost and efforts as it delivers the required end product. The product, being user-centric, ultimately has a higher success rate than it would have had otherwise. Even in a non-tech environment, empathy helps generate creative solutions for the existing problems and innovations in healthcare (such as the idea of mobile health) are excellent examples of empathetic learning. Drawing from the emotional experiences of others helps a creative thinker build a connection with their audience. In whichever way it is utilised, empathetic creativity helps solving problems whether these are social, financial or technological. It brings social issues to light and forms bridges between people, identifying that each life is, in many ways, similar to our own. Kanwal Tariq is a bio-technologist, a writer and a feminist. She blogs at Whirling Cosmos (kanwalmeghjii.wordpress.com)
Design by Hira Fareed
Domestic goddess 7
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 30, 2015
By Huba Akbar
Crispy green chicken wings
A light snack for untimely hunger pangs
Ingredients
PHOTO: HUBA AKBAR
• • • • • • • • • •
Chicken wings 10 All-purpose flour 1/2 cup Yogurt 1/2 cup Salt 1 tsp Eggs 2 Green chilies 6 Coriander (finely chopped) 1/2 cup Black pepper 1/2 tsp Olive oil 4 tbsp Bread crumbs 1/2 cup
Six sauces for your chicken wings Chicken wings are the ultimate messy finger foods! Serve them as part of an elaborate dinner menu or snack on them — these juicy goodies are always welcome. Add a flavourful dipping sauce or two and you have the ideal appetizer. Here are six different sauces that you can make to serve along with the chicken wings. We promise everyone will love them!
Sweet and sticky sauces Barbecue sauce: A mix of sweet and savoury is the way to go with barbecue sauce. Although you can purchase a bottle of barbecue sauce from your local grocery store, we prefer to make our own marinade. Simply mix one cup of ketchup with one tablespoon of brown sugar and with 1/4 cups of Dijon mustard, hot and soy sauce each and allow the wings to marinate in the mixture overnight. Addiction guaranteed! Orange glaze dip: This simple blend of garlic, soy sauce, brown sugar and fresh orange juice makes an excellent sweet and tangy dip sauce for finger foods. You can also toss the wings in the sauce before cooking if you wish. Add a bit of hot sauce for some chili.
Method
The classic buffalo wing
• Grind the coriander, green chilies and yogurt together to form a green paste.
Sriracha mix: Give your chicken wings a fun twist! Combine some Sriracha sauce with butter, lemon zest and cilantro and enjoy away.
• Boil two cups of water in a large pot and cook the chicken wings in it, adding the green paste to the mix. Continue cooking on low flame until the water dries up and the chicken has cooked through. • In the meantime, mix the flour and black pepper together in a small bowl and egg and salt in another. • Coat the cooked chicken wings with flour and then dip them in the egg mixture. • Toss each piece in a bowl full of breadcrumbs, making sure that all the sides are covered. • Fry the wings in pre-heated olive oil, keeping the main meat side up. Once the bottom becomes golden-brown in colour, flip the wings over and fry the other side as well. Keep in mind that since the chicken has already been cooked, you need not spent too much time frying it. • Once fried, soak the wings on paper towels to get rid of excess oils and serve warm, along with a complimenting dipping sauce.
Jalapeño toppings: Skip the typical red sauce and opt for a green one with pickled jalapeños. This is sure to liven your senses up!
A touch of the Mediterranean Tomatoey: Bring home the goodness of the beautiful coastal region with roasted tomatoes. Simply combine them with goat cheese and olive oil, coat the wings in the mix and broil. Almond crunch: For extra crunchy wings, chop up and roast some almonds to sprinkle on top. Serve the garnished wings with a lemon and mayo mix to add extra flair to the meat. SOURCE: FOODANDWINE.COM
Woman of the week 8
Posing away.
With husband and son.
Interior designer With friends.
We will think of you exactly what you want us to think of you. The power is within you. Actor Hamza Ali Abbasi
When women ask us what we are thinking about and we say ‘nothing,’ we actually mean it. Sometimes men just don’t think about anything at all and zone out. We have the capability of doing that and it feels great. It gives us time to relax. Singer/Actor Ali Gul Pir
Men tend to be very straight forward and rarely have a hidden or double meaning behind what they say. Also, honesty is our way of showing how much we care. Aside from this, we also need to be complimented every now and then, on things such as being good fathers or supportive husbands. Then there are the more general things men would like to tell women, such as their friends are also very important to them or that they do not enjoy shopping unless absolutely, absolutely necessary! Actor Faysal Qureshi
I want women to know that men don’t know what you want! But I think that although men are apparently from Mars and women from Venus, it’s about time we realise that we are all stuck on Earth together. VJ/Actor Ali Safina