inside
Ms AUGUST 5, 2012
domestic goddess a slice of happiness
doctor’s orders restraint in the holy month of Ramazan
ISSUE NO. 7
written in the stars -
Trolley Traumas Ever thought of how painful the rishta scene is for the guy?
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how to tame your lion
worst rishtas
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Ms
the buzz
Trolley Traumas
When it comes to the chai pe bulaya hai scene, girls often complain that they get the short end of the stick. These guys tells us how the experience is just as harrowing for the prospective suitor.
Dear Diary,
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
Diary of a trolley troll
by Saif Asif Khan
An economist who teaches on the side. When he’s not trolley trolling, you can find him jeering at the rest of the world on Facebook
I hate to admit it, but my mum’s at it again. When I entered home last evening after a long, tiring day at work, she was putting down the phone, saying, “I’ll talk to my son and we’ll let you know by tomorrow morning.” She turned to me with a self-satisfied smile and said, “We’re going to meet some people over tea tomorrow.” As if I don’t know what that means. That’s always code for Another Trolley Scene. I vividly remember how the last such meeting went. As the tea trolley rattled into the drawing room and an aroma of hastily micro-waved chicken patties and still smoking K&N kebabs enveloped all and sundry, I had only one thought on my mind: Get me the **** out of here. But what exactly is it that I find so abhorrent about such meetings? No doubt, the other party always takes great pains to ensure that the visitors are left with a good impression. The lawns are always neatly manicured, the cushions on the sofas carefully fluffed, and the drinks meticulously chilled. Heck, one girl’s father even pointed out most helpfully that while my current job sucked, he could help me in securing a high paying position with a better employer. Another hinted that there was a gym located not too far from where I live where I could enlist with his reference and burn off some excess calories. However, in spite of these most supportive offers, in no particular order, I attempt to list the reasons why the Trolley Scene truly freaks me out.
Getting there: Before a bunch of bloodthirsty feminists trace my address and show up outside my house with scalping knives, allow me to state that I am all for women’s rights and their inherent sense of direction. I suppose, then, it is my mother and her cronies that have some twisted navigational skills, to put it mildly. While in no way restricted to the Trolley Crawl, I do admit that these are the trips on which my car’s driving seat will be invariably occupied by my mum. On one of these trips, when we got to the vague vicinity, I asked her what street we were supposed to turn into. Her reply was most insightful: “I don’t know the street number, but she said it’s the fourth turn after the main road. Have we crossed the main road?” Brake. U-turn. Back to main road. Count ‘til the fourth street. “Okay. We’re outside the fourth street now. Did she tell you what way we have to turn; left or right?” “Well, she didn’t do that, but it shouldn’t be that hard. She said it’s the house with two palm trees outside it.” Nuff said. The awkwardness: “Did you say you went to Beaconhouse right ’til your ‘A’ Levels? Batch of 2006, you say? Then you must have known my son! He finished school in 2006! He was the batch topper!” Yes, Uncle. I was better off knowing your son as the guy who wet his pants in kindergarten, and the one I borrowed notes from for exam prep. Since I won’t marry your daughter, now I won’t be able to attend a high school reunion ever again, without having to purposely avoid running into him. Thank you for ensuring that. The interrogation: Who wouldn’t enjoy a barrage of truly probing questions directed at oneself at the speed of light? On the last such visit, after the usual exchange of niceties and the serving of refreshments, I was flippantly asked by the girl’s father about the status of my job: was it contractual or permanent? After grudgingly handling the question by telling him that it was contractual, because I only joined three months ago, it just got ridiculous: Uncle: “So how much do you earn?” Uncomfortable pause. Me: “Uncle, I think this question is rather inappropriate at this stage.” Uncle: “But I don’t think there’s any harm in telling this…” Me (more firmly): “No, I’m sorry, this is a bit too early.” Uncle: “But…” Me: “NO.” Very long, uncomfortable pause. I swear, I was wishing that damn trolley would sprout a motor which I could jumpstart and drive out into oblivion. Thankfully, the family pet walked into the room at the moment to divert everyone’s attention. Big Brother’s watching you: Any man who survives the awkwardness and the interrogation will be subjected to the watchful gaze of Big Brother. So it has been written. So it will be done. This stage involves the ‘kids’ being given a chance to “talk to each other.” That’s real sweet. Only, they have to do it while everyone stares at them. And strangely enough, everyone else stops talking once the kids start talking. I remember one such visit where the matchmaker lady very cooperatively suggested, “How about the kids sit closer together. Beta, why don’t you move to the other chair?” Girl’s mum, who until then had been a perfectly amiable character, suddenly morphed into the school matron without warning.
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
My Rishta
Chase
by Bilal Mughal
and I am living proof. worse for the guys — is bad for the girls, it’s ents — fearful that I par my If the rishta business t, wes Mid an a girl from the Americ on sh cru a got I e Pakistani girl as ce nic a sin Ever ng to set me up with a gori — have been tryi nces. erie exp nge may end up marrying stra e has led to som gave can. My rishta chase soon as they possibly g at a girl’s house. She etin me a for d nge office colleague arra Before you e. tim a up set A few weeks ago, an and uld call her me that my mom sho far, far from civilime a number, and told se — only the house was hou ’s girl the to way cept of streetlights con the knew it, we were on our ce sin farmhouse scheme and ed nch lau ly new e ng in circles. Finally, sation, in som oods, we ended up goi en root in those backw send a driver to our to red appeared not to have tak ly offe m and they considerate mo ’s girl the up ed h us crying “Shukar my mom call minutes were spent wit de us back. The next 30 gui to tion ction, followed by loca t dire l ren cur heading in our genera car that seemed to be . hai!” at the sign of any way r the t ano ppointment when it wen icipaa collective sigh of disa ’s house. Given the ant ged it back to the girl tag we and ved arri t to know what wan you Finally, the car ’t ldn wou lar girl — lt up for this particu came sister. As soon as we tion that had been bui ? So did my mom and her saw lly fina I en ?” her of nk thi you I thought of her wh did at me, “What t question they threw back, that was the firs !” her see ’re with Well, I said — “I didn’t happened. Imagine you ed to explain what had ggl stru I d, a single ppe dro ting s get t hou As their jaw girl and come back wit ’s house to look at the your parents at the girl same sofa that I glimpse of her. sat on my right, on the the door behind me and from d ere talking to me. ly ent ous girl tinu The con was on my left and was dad ’s girl the , hile least once. But the girl was on. Meanw me to look at her at ing the girl, expects lud inc ne, ryo k the place right beeve Now dad that her mom too sumed in talking to her rage to turn around cou the leaves and I am so con ed her had gat notice. By the time I n eve n’t did I and side me ck of a lifetime. take a look, I got the sho pered and has with a cynical smile and . While the girl is pam guy the for se wor nitely infi is ss guy to look ine bus the ta on re is The rish trolley, all the pressu k demure and push a little to do except loo respectful. the one hand, you sharp while still being girl’s sister instead. On a girl but you like the like her younger (I .” hai Sometimes you go to see i pasand s, “Mujhe chhoti wal ent par r you tell to t stuck with someone really don’t wan ure, in which you’ll be er, you see a bleak fut oth the on r eyes always … as And you of er.) sist like will be in front the person that you DO you don’t like, while t. just tha at happened to me was to her marrying her. I went your sister-in-law. Wh and was interested in girl a h wit ch tou in younger sisher , nts me I had been briefly esh refr of the middle g s, and there, right in . My head was spinnin house to see her parent t I was stuck in a vortex tha d me see it ly, den the elder ile Wh for. e com ter popped up, and sud had the girl that I self to concentrate on ttering, “Bilal, concen and I was willing my ping around. I was mu jum was one r nge you , I was ling nse cou ch mu er sister sat quietly, the , say it again.” Aft er, say ‘Older is better’ younger one. When I trate on the older sist was still looking at the I r eve How ly. fect per ter” bet is er “old it!” ing w say er she said “I kne t I liked the younger sist n out to be the biglater told my mom tha e but girl’s parents tur nic lly rea is girl the when es tim are feet — ‘to show re m’s the mo n The and his dad fell at my we went to meet a girl would a 70-yeary Wh re? gest jokers alive. Once the er ght your lau e . How do you suppress that scene the whole tim his respect’, apparently to go through to forget had I at wh me ask ’t old guy do that? Don person to spend we sat at their house. ss finding that perfect s were simpler but I gue I wish the rishta proces e doing. your life with takes som
“I think everyone’s fine where they are. No need to move around, is there?” And she actually placed a restraining hand on her daughter’s hand, as if to stop the girl from leaving her seat. That was the last that we saw of those people. I could go on and on. But suffice it to say that the Trolley Scene can be summed up as a bad episode of reality TV where everyone is outdoing each other to pretend to be someone they’re not. In the process, they end up acting like utter fools. The fake laughter. The anecdotes about childhood. The lies about helping around the house. I do wish all the men would wake up and smell the coffee. Do they not realise that as soon as they leave, the bone china will be put away and the mugs will come out again? As for myself, I have come to despise the tea trolley like no other four-wheeler. Those trembling wheels, struggling with the rugs and gliding over wooden floors, carrying layers upon layers of clinking glasses, sweetmeats and savoury treats make me want to run out screaming. Oh well. Let’s bring out the starched shirt for tomorrow. (Warning: Trolley Trolls are a viral feature observed most often in drawing rooms in Pakistan, trailing their mums in the guise of prospective suitors. Trolley Trolls will claim that they are victims themselves, but statistical evidence suggests otherwise.)
5 rishtas every girl will get O Saba Khalid
Bahar ka rishta Forget sharafat and tameez, this family’s biggest accomplishment is that their son is in amreeka! The son is missing, “because he’s in Amreeka…. na!!!” As soon as you serve tea, the mother will sit you down and show an entire album of pictures of her son. One of the pictures will surely be in Disneyland, where he’ll be wearing a fanny pack and an FOB smirk that says, “Take that … I’m in the happiest place in the world!” The spill: If his mother says, he runs his own business in NYC, it’s safe to assume he has a T Halal food cart on 53rd & 6th avenue. Unless you enjoy gyros and falafels 24/7, consider H passing up on this gem! p
The larka who could pass for your abba! You enter the room, scan for the target and immediately thank your lucky stars when you see the larka isn’t there. You think he’s just as unhappy about this arrangement and is probably at home whining to his girlfriend on the phone about his parent’s obsession with shaadi. That’s exactly when you’re introduced to a man who you assume is the larkay ke abba. You say “Salam” to the uncle politely and wait for him to initiate small talk. Instead he’ll look you up and down; then give another onceover, and another, and another until you consider handing him 3D glasses to make his viewing experience even better! The spill: If his mother says he’s just a very mature-looking 25-year-old, don’t buy it. He should be out looking for mature-looking 20-year-old girls!
Mama ka baby The larka will open the door for his mother and wait for her to sit down … sweet right? Once they settle down and your dad asks the larka about his career and aspirations, his mother will answer all the questions for him. When the chai comes, his mother will hand it to her fully grown beta and will also make him a delightful little plate filled with patties and cake. And when he gets crumbs on his pants, she’ll brush them off with her tissue. The spill: Stay away from this one, he’s already in a satisfying, long-term, committed relationship. And you’ll never be able to match up to the real love of his life.
For the love of hi-tea Who wants to pay for a 5-star restaurant’s overpriced hi tea when you can find one in every town? That’s the mantra of certain mufta-loving khaandans who enjoy eating munchies and sipping hot tea in the pretense of looking at prospective girls for their beta. They won’t bother much with small talk just so that the tea comes sooner. The spill: Ensure that what you serve is simple, because if they really like your hi-tea, they’ll surely schedule another meeting for dinner. Nothing will come out of it — nothing should, anyway!
Sister lover Just when your parents have completely given up, this rishta will come like a Godsend. Your parents will swoon over the boy’s perfect job and khandaan. They’ll force you to come and meet him because he’s apparently nothing like the others before him. You’ll peek at him through your duppatta and realise that … he IS kinda cute! And that’s when it happens — the inevitable — your gorgeous younger sister enters, and the larka will forget everything else and his drool will gather in an empty bowl right next to the samosas. The spill: His parents will call your parents and meekly inquire if your sister’s on the table and fair game for their son? Your sister will tease you about this for the rest of your life!
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Ms
in vogue
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
Let the fashion festiv begin
Be the belle of every Eid party with these brightly coloured outfits by Trends.
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
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vities
Styling: Atifa@Albatross Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Hair and Make up: Saba@Sabs Label: Trends Photography: Umair Bin Nasir Model: Mahroosh Location courtesy Sabs Salon Karachi
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Ms
doctor’s orders
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
Fasting =/ feasting With Ramazan teaching us moderation, let’s not over-indulge on unhealthy food Dr Osman Bashir Tahir is a plastic surgeon in Lahore and has received training at some of the most prestigious institutions in the world. He is inspired by beauty.
by Dr Osman Bashir Tahir Whether it’s sleepily over sehr table or anxiously over iftar buffet, the holy month of Ramazan has the strange power of bringing the most distant of families together on one table. But the same bonding over a meal sometimes takes a disastrous direction when we overindulge ourselves with those oily pakoras and glug several glasses of sweetened rooh afza. For doctors, this overconsumption of food usually means more than a few patients rushing in the emergency ward complaining of heart pain in complete panic. But what they usually don’t know is that it’s simply a case of epigastric pain which arises due to overeating excessively spicy, greasy food. But why get to a point that a pill has to be popped to stop the excruciating pain? Prevention should be key. With a religion that teaches moderation in every way, shouldn’t eating also be in moderate amounts?
Here are just a few tips to keep you healthy during this holy month:
Opt for a glass of milk and complement it with dates instead of filling your stomach with too many pakoras.
Exercise
Drink adequate amounts of water during sehr, iftar and post-iftar times.
People usually prefer not to exercise during Ramazan, ‘thinking’ they have no strength and are completely exhausted. Please note that I used ‘thinking’ because fatigue is really a state of mind. Your body is capable of doing a lot if you put your mind to it but if you keep e thinking that you are tired and exhausted, you won’t be able to do anything at all. First off, namaz in itself is such a great exercise. But that doesn’t mean it should be the end all during this month. A brisk walk after dinner is necessary for digestion and keeping your heart healthy. Cardiovascular exercises such as walking, when combined with weight training (which builds bone and muscle), can alleviate and counter osteoporosis. And when it comes to lifting weights, there are no age limits, provided you start off with a trainer or a person who has been weight training for awhile. For bloating and indigestion, yoga is best. With YouTube, Google and smartphones at your fingertips, it doesn’t take long to learn a new pose and perform it before iftar or a few hours after it.
After 16 hours of fasting, make sure the first meal that enters your body is a balanced one with the right amount of proteins, carbs and fibre.
For caffeine junkies, you can have your cup of coffee post-iftar but go easy on your fix as it may cause acidity.
Soda drink diehards should try to curb the habit of drinking colas with fried foods.
Sumptuous sehri al 1. Oatme n be boiled ca — s elette 2. Egg or an om d le b m scra i s of las 3. A glass t of ld consis u o h s tes Sehri ra d carbohy complex
Resist the temptation to eat sugary foods which can make skin oily and acne-prone resulting in an unattractive and blemished complexion.
A good multivitamin supplement, containing Vitamin D, along with low-fat yoghurt and milk are also advised.
Daily Din ner
Ideal Iftar 1. A bowl of seasonal fre sh fruits. it With nuts such as almon o ds and walnuts. 2 A spoon of yoghurt wit 2. h honey. This is an ideal iftar as fruits have loads of fibre in them and will keep you r metabolism healthy.
1. Com b protein ine vegetable , either s and of chic ken, fis in the form h or re d meat . Howev er, me at shou be take ld n a week more than t not wice .
domestic goddess 7
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
recipe
Mango flan method For the filling Beat eggs, sugar and milk together. Then add mango chunks and mix lightly.
For the dough 1. Mix butter, sugar and egg in a pot and then add flour, baking powder and make a dough. 2. Now roll the dough about 0.7 cm thick and set in a pie pan. 3. Scoop the mango mixture evenly over the dough in the pie pan. 4. Heat oven to 200OC and bake for 30 minutes. 5. Chill and serve.
From Chef Shabir at the Royal Palm, a mangolicious treat that’s fit for a king.
ingredients For the filling
Mango (cut in chunks) 3 (Med) Egg 4 Sugar 50 gm Milk 300 ml For the dough
Flour 200 gm Sugar 200 gm Egg 1 Butter 200 gm Baking Powder 1 tbsp
written in the stars 8
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, AUGUST 5, 2012
Tame
Lion
the
22 July — 22 August
Match made in heaven Leo man — Libra woman Considering both signs are social and outgoing — competitive and playful, optimistic and adventurous, this is the kind of match that will make the angels sing. The chemistry between the two is sure to be explosive.
DON’T even think about it
In love with a Leo? Ms. T has the inside on what makes this sign unique, how to make him yours and what not to do to drive him away.
d a e h s ’ n o i L e h t Inside
hoolgirl te than a sc a n o ti c e ff a ntic and t step. And more roma king his firs ty ta li r a le re d d in to is t trol. l il nd be in con erce symbo on like a spo a fi ti d d n a n e a le tt a ry to s e e fi re n ive, be the o in great her. He ado This aggress ays wants to and will put r math teac g lw e a h in e n rk h o o — -w sh m rd ru o a man with a bad c tually very h or the bedro s-to-a-fault c u a m ro o ’s e e ro n h e rd g a — o is the b uid or lazy is time, th rs. whether it’s r from lang s and flowe u’re worth h e fa o y m ’s u e s k h rf , e in n p o th e li v e e , expensi . And if h But unlike th light dinners things in life d le o d o n g a c e , th rs t e ith love lett effort to ge woos you w e h re su e k will ma
Leo man — Aquarius woman Like their symbols, fire and water, they’re opposites — but the kind of opposites that just don’t attract. The Aquarian’s desperate need to run free and the Leo’s intense need to control will make this relationship disastrous.
How to make him purr like a kitty? 1.
Celebrity Leos
Massage his ego, flatter his skills and just appreciate him.
These lion-hearted celebrities are proof that Leos are some of the sexiest guys around.
2.
But don’t look down upon yourself and make yourself look less worthy of his attention. He likes a woman with a strong sense of self worth.
3. What makes him growl? 1.
Surprise him always. He’s constantly on the lookout for an adventure.
Don’t try to steal his spotlight. Because when he’s around, he’ll always be the leading man and make you look like a mere extra on set.
Ant onio Banderas
C hris Hemswort h
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Mick Jagger Robert Redford
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If you hurt him the slightest bit, intentionally or unintentionally, expect a response Fatal Attraction style — with your cat/dog/bunny/gerbil cooking away in a pot. While he can get jealous at the slightest provocation, he can’t stand a woman who gets jealous.