The Express Tribune hi five - January 20

Ms JANUARY 20, 2013 ISSUE NO. 31

What it takes to score a saas

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Winter fashion with a summery twist

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inside what she said —

Do husbands come in the way of female friendships?

mother superior —

Solving all your parenting dilemmas

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Section In Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk

Shahid Afridi

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Ms

the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Are you the perfect bachelorette? by Taneeya Hasan

Wondering why it’s so hard to find the right guy?

You won’t once you read what matchmakers have to say about the (unrealistic) demands the guy’s side of the family makes.

Have you ever sat in front of a rishta committee and felt like a qurbani ka bakra being inspected for perfect teeth and skin? When it comes to the SH-word, progressive parents who once told you that you were the Pakistani version of Christiane Amanpour, now want you to act like the hyperventilating and very traditional Shabnam.

As far as the shaadi-biyah scene is concerned, rishta aunties (and sometimes even uncles — awkward!) with their superlative social skills and admirable foresight have become the executioners of the plans God made up in the heavens, acting as liaisons between the boy’s family and the girl’s.

Unfortunately, this situation has not made things any less stressful or awkward for us single girls.

While your parents lecture you on how ending up an old maid is the biggest blight in our society, the rishta aunty will look at you with X-ray vision, tuttutting and shaking her head at the sad dearth of desirable characteristics you possess. In the end, you’ll be ready to tear your hair out (don’t though — that’s a desirable characteristic right there) convinced that you’ll either die alone with seven cats or that you must resign yourself to marrying the first chota, mota, kaala, underemployed guy who has the stupidity to accept you as his bride.

If your self-esteem is taking a hit, we suggest you look at some of the typical requirements chalked out by the ‘larkay walay’ to find a match for their sons. When the wish list takes shape, you’ll begin to understand why you haven’t yet met Prince Charming.

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Complexion Back in the 90s, Junaid Jamshed was bashed for singing Goray Rang Ka Zamana but if we think about it, poor guy was just saying what he probably always heard at home.

From Fair & Lovely advertisements to rishta ads in every C-grade newspapers, isn’t a fair complexion our biggest yearning after world peace? We like women whose pictures do not require brightness adjustments and whose skin does not need too many layers of pasty white foundation. Matchmaker Rubina Khan, who draws clients from upper-middle income localities in Karachi, says, “Even the darkest guys ask for fair girls. I blame the media for totally ruining the mindsets of our youngsters.”

And if one tries to persuade the larkay walas to be a little more reasonable? “The boy’s side is usually extremely demanding and if you shift even a little bit from their rigid requirements they refuse to meet the girl’s family after the first meeting,” says Nusrat Anjum, founder of the Defence Women Welfare Society.

Thanks, guys! I should probably go dip my face in peroxide now.

Physique The rishta aunties have bad news for all you curvy girls out there: size 0 is hot. The subcontinent may be notorious for its pear-shaped women but when it comes to the rishta scene, boys and their mothers are looking for that elusive ‘dubli patli larki’. If the starved look is not your thing, you can forget all about finding a suitable boy.

Dear potential mother-in-law, if you’re reading this and if it makes you feel better I look much better in Photoshop — I’m just not realogenic.

Caste and creed Rubina Khan expresses concern over the increasing sectarian divisions which is gradually making match making extremely difficult. “Previously people wanted girls and boys from their own sect but now the demands have been narrowed down even more,” she says. “Urdu speaking people now prefer Urdu speaking families from Uttar Pradesh, Lucknow and Moradabad which makes it difficult for us to meet all these specifications.”

Now we know why the Egyptian Pharaohs married their sisters: their requirements were so specific, that they eliminated the ‘panga’ and went for their ‘behnas’ who were equal to them in every respect. The next I know, I’d probably get rejected because I like cheese sticks better than chicken wings.

Education n The day I wass born, my daadi decided or. Sadly for her, I became I’d be a doctor. rnalist which, according to a female journalist my grandma, are “women who go out in out dupattas and come back the field without propriate hours.” Despite my home at inappropriate uestioning she would never tell continuous questioning me the reason behind her obsession with doctors but rishta expert Rubina sheds some light: “The larkay walas have this inexplicable obsession with girls who are doctors or are studying to become doctors.”

Nusrat adds that to the demand of the typical slim, fair and tall girl has been added the requirement of earning money. The families who come to Nusrat often demand rich in-laws because the job market is unstable and they want their bahus to meet their own expenses and not be a burden on the ‘poor son’. “A wealthy background and professional career have made their way to the long and sometimes unrealistic list of traits the larkay walas want in their bahu,” says Nusrat.

Oh hey, you might want to add ‘should know how to walk upside down’ to your list!

Family size According to rishta aunties, larkay walass sometimes also have an issue with the number of members in the girl’s family. “The mother of the potential groom ’t wants a small family because she doesn’t want her son spending too much on his in-laws,” says Rubina.

Heads up girls, the next time you have a proposal committee coming in for you, make sure you hide your siblings, burn their birth certificates up and use them for potpourri. And if God forbid they get spotted, just pretend they are avant garde furniture.

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Ms

en vogue

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Flashes of style

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Say hello to summer’s bright turquoises, vivid violets and flowery fuchsias and goodbye to winter’s dull maroons, greys and blacks.

Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Art Direction: Imran Kureshi Hair and makeup: N-Pro Nabila Label: Kuki Concepts Photography: Rohail @ Munna Mushtaq studio Models: Minhal Fiza and Usman Patel

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Ms

what she said

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Man-fluence on female friendships Do those promises of life-long friendship and fidelity hold up? by Maha Khan The fragility of female friendships really hits you once most of your friends are married. You can no longer call them up with the abandon you used to or drop in on a spur-of-the-moment visit. If I need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, calling up an old friend becomes a dilemma setting off a chain of reservations: What will her husband think? Will she get annoyed because I didn’t ask before calling? All these petty things that we never cared about suddenly become important and the upshot is that I can’t call my married friends most of the time I want to talk to them — and I miss that. Interestingly though, married people will have no qualms about calling us singletons at odd hours, because our lives are inevitably less busy than theirs.

When we were young girls, my friends and I would talk about our future, wondering what paths our lives would take. We formed friendship clubs, promising to take each other’s secrets to the grave and never ever drift apart. We were so close that we felt we could even predict which of us would be the first to get hitched. That prediction was only the first of many that were wrong– the friend we had expected to get married last, was the one who did it first.

And when she did, we were beside ourselves with excitement. I was so happy knowing that she would be settling down and starting a new family, that I never once thought this meant I was going to become merely one of her single friends — automatically deemed unable to fully partake in most discussions relating to her married life.

Over the years, as I’ve dabbed the tears off my face on the rukhsati of more of my childhood friends, I’ve seen just how radically getting married changes priorities — particularly for women. So, despite our promises that nothing would change — “Of course, I won won’tt bail ba on you for movie night” and “I’d never ditch you for him!” h — everything does. Marriage is such hard work fo for women, there is so much at stake, so much compromising to do, that someone has to suffer, and it compro usually ends up being the people you grew up with, as usual opposed to the one you intend to grow old with. oppos As y young girls, we would quietly take in every det detail of people’s weddings while pretending not n to care and endlessly wonder what our own e ever-afters would be like. We dreamed of big traditional weddings, gorgeous outfits and intricate jewellery for ourselves. And then, when our friends got married, we went the extra mile to make their grand day special.

I and other single friends would go off on a limb to attend friends’ weddings, dholkis, dance practices, pre-functions and such. As h her close confidantes, we would often take on the unenviable task of calming down the bride. We would spend money on outfits which could only be wou worn to so many weddings in one season. We would have ou our hair drenched in hairspray and our scalp stuck with hairpins h more times than was fair on our poor, unmarried groomed selves. unmar

We had the time of our lives, but it was short-lived and it is now beginning to feel as though it may all have been in vain. When I am ready to be given away, none of my married friends will be as involved as I was on their big days, if they manage to make it at all! A mother-in-law’s dinner, a husband’s work event, or a child’s birthday will inevitably take precedence, and all those hours spent learning to make my two left feet move in sync, will have been wasted. For one close friend’s wedding in particular, I remember putting my life on hold: flying to Pakistan especially for her mehndi, taking extra time off work and having endless arguments with my parents over how little time I spent with them on that trip home. Now, two years later, she has a child, we hardly talk and I secretly wonder if that time would have been better spent with my family.

Another thing that marriage did to my friendships was cause a shift in our normal conversations. My married friends suddenly can’t seem to relate to my conversations about the difficulty in finding a man, though I am always listening to how wonderful their spouses are. They tell me I don’t really want to be married — but like a single friend very aptly said, “That’s because they already are — and they have someone to turn to and love and be loved by constantly.”

Of course, navigating a relationship is far from easy. I, too, have been in a situation where I was so wrapped up in the guy that I would hardly socialise with my own friends. When we split, I had been so disconnected from my own friends, that initially I couldn’t understand how to cope with things. When a friend who seemed rather obsessed with her husband couldn’t stop talking about him, I tried to quote my own experience with my boyfriend. She quickly rebutted saying, “It’s different when you’re married — he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. He can’t just pack up and leave.” Though I found it bizarre how every single time we spoke, she couldn’t get over how amazing his work was, how much he was earning, what tie he was wearing, how dashing he looked in a suit and how many times she called him during the day — I obviously left it at that!

I feel that maintaining friendships is hard work as is, but it is doubly hard after marriage. I struggled when my sister got married, making regular phone calls and sending messages, but when the replies became shorter and less frequent, I stopped bothering. My single friends and I agree on this. We have always gone out of our ways for friends’ birthdays, weddings, and now anniversaries — but it is important for both parties to accept that friendships will change.

Watching my mother interact with her school friends and being best friends with their kids made me want to maintain the same bond with my friends. My best friend and I have been friends for sixteen years, and are like family — but I think the fact that we are single is crucial in our lives right now, because most of our other friends are married. We have been friends for long enough to have questioned our friendship many times and we are still going strong.

I can only hope that this will not change with a husband in the picture, because sometimes it’s nice to share important moments in life with people you shared your childhood dreams with.

mother superior 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

ParentingGuide From pills to pancakes, we’ve got you covered IIs it safe to take sleeping pills during pregnancy?

Pregnancy can be a fr frustrating ordeal and carries its own ow set of problems which can aggravate aggr or cause insomnia and ttempt tem pt one to pop one of those colourful pills p ills that p promise to drive away all the stress and worrying. Imagine that one night where you can slip away into a dreamless drea state of sleep, waking up exuberan exuberant and refreshed to face the challenges of the t new day. Sounds tempting, doesn’t it?

But according to Baby Center, sleeping pills are addictive, habit-form habit-forming and most of them do not even actually make you fall asleep. They simply depress your nervous system, m making you ‘think’ that you were asleep when you actually didn’t get much sleep at all.

How to stop kids from: Thumb sucking: Thumb sucking is a habit that many kids resort to because it offers them a safe zone to cuddle up in — it’s soothing, offers warmth, comfort and security. For infants, it is almost reflexive when they start becoming aware of the world around them, especially during the teething stage when they want to suck on something soft, be it toys or fingers or an ice cube.

However according to WebMD, this habit is addictive, can distort your child’s teeth and jaw structure, and interfere with speech and language development.

So how do you make it stop? It will be hard in the beginning of course, especially if your child needs to suck her finger or thumb in order to fall asleep. But you need to put an end to it before it becomes a life-long habit. So some pain in the beginning is essential for your child’s benefit in the long-run.

Many doctors normally prescribe sleeping pills because they don’t know how to treat insomnia. However, during pregnancy, doctors hesitate to recommend sleeping pills because they carry risks for the baby.

Baby Center notes that due to the habit forming nature of the pills (whether they are anti-depressants or benzodiazepines or other off-the counter pills), the baby can become addicted to them and may experience withdrawal symptoms later on. Studies also indicate that sleeping pills may also result in the baby suffering from jaundice, brain damage or a low IQ. Animal studies have shown that the foetus is at risk when sleeping pills are taken.

Popping a sleeping pill occasionally is okay if you’re having a bad night. But try relaxation techniques, regular exercise, a healthy diet, or a warm bath to cure your insomnia. Waking up at the same time everyday and staying out of the bedroom when you’re not really ready to sleep also works.

The Huffington Post recommends some remedies, some of which included the following: - Distract your child when she’s sucking her er thumb.

Read to her and if she is about to fall asleep, eep, give her a stuffed toy to wrap her hands around nd so that she doesn’t resort to putting her finger ger in her mouth.

- Make your child understand that because e he/she is growing up, it’s time to give up the thumb sucking habit because it’s bad. d.

Explain the negative effects of it. Reward d your child with little gifts or complimentss whenever he/she listens to you.

- If nothing works, you could try the old method of putting something that tastes bad on the child’s thumb but it’s really not recommended.

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activities for your junior Masterchef

To instill the importance of hygiene, have your child wash all the fruits and vegetables. Once they’re done washing, let them count the number of fruits and vegetables.

1 2 3 4 5

Give your child a wire whisk and let them mix batter like a pro. There’s nothing kids like more than mixing stuff together and it always helps with their hand-eye coordination.

Measuring cups are a fun way to teach children about quantities. Ask your child to fill up the cups with dried pulses, beans or water up to a certain level.

If you’re baking cake or cookies, your child can be your taste buddy who tests all the batter, sprinklings and icing for you so your baked goods taste just right!

Give your child an icing cone and allow him or her to decorate the cupcakes any way they like.

A fun yet nutritional recipe to try at home with kids is Banana Pancakes. All you have to do is add slices of bananas into the pancake batter and pour batter into circles, triangles and rectangle for fun-shaped pancakes.

hottie of the week 8

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JANUARY 20, 2013

Status Born

Married Khyber agency, Pakistan

Birthday

March 1, 1980

Face

95%

Who is he?

When it comes to cricketing legend Shahid Afridi, we’re all in a twisted love-hate relationship. We raise him to Zeus-like status when he wins us a match; demote him to vermin when he underperforms. At times he can do no wrong; at times all he does is wrong. At times, he’s our saviour, at others, he’s nothing but the pariah. Through it all, the only emotion we don’t ever feel for this guy is indifference.

Body

90%

Why we love him Boom-boom Afridi’s the kind of guy who might have the body of a tennis player, the looks, charisma and star quality of a Hollywood star but he’s still humble enough to go out every now and then and play cricket with his muhallay ke bachay. When he’s on the field, he’s as unpredictable as the Karachi ki bijli, he can either bail on you completely or make a comeback so miraculous, that the entire nation’s heart will be boom-booming for days to come. He can be stupid enough to bite balls on live TV, silly enough to blow totally inappropriate kisses to opponents at the most stressful of times, but when he flashes that adorable grin, twinkles his playful eyes and runs his fingers through that unruly mane, for us ladies (and more than a few men), everything else moves in slow motion.

Although he’s matured from that wild, dashing mercurial 16-yearold who once broke the record for the fastest century from 37 balls to a ruggedly handsome 30-year-old, he still hasn’t lost the innate charm which oozes from every pore in interviews or on the field.

He leaves us wondering...

• If he’ll ever look older than 18.

• If he ever plans on going down Imran Khan’s political route.

• If he really uses Head & Shoulders.

Talent

90%

Total Package

92%

Warning Girls be prepared to share the limelight with this one because he adores the camera too much, is addicted to the attention and loves rekindling his larger than life persona every now and then.

Shahid Afridi