The Express Tribune hi five - July 21

Ms JULY 21, 2013

ISSUE NO. 57

Eastern Chic

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Traditional embellishments meet modern cuts in this new collection

Does your mother-in-law horror story top everyone else’s? page

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inside mother superior—

Kindle your child’s spirituality

domestic goddess —

A favourite savoury snack

8 Section In-Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk

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Our proud contribution to the hunks Down Under

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Ms

the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

The by Sarah Sikandar

Though the relationship has inspired countless TV serials and novels, nothing comes close to the drama it generates in real life

Dynamics A

close friend who has been living with her in-laws for almost 10 years said the other day: “So, I read on the internet that if you re-arrange the letters in ‘mother-in-law’ you get ‘Woman Hitler’.”

The company of married women griping against their mothersin-law roared with laughter. How many of us have had coffee table discussions and telephone conferences with our confidantes starting with “So my mother-in-law said the other day...”? On the flipside, mothersin-law have their own litany of complaints against their daughters-in-law, unceasingly dropping hints about the disappointment that they turned out to be and sighing over how things were different in their days.

The complex and unresolved tension that this notorious relationship poses to both mothers and daughters has been the subject of countless books, movies and TV serials but no fictional depiction comes close to the drama it generates in real life. Listen to any daughter or mother-in-law and there is an acute dearth of uniqueness in the complaints coming from either side: she goes to her mother’s house too often; his mother wants to cut me off from my own family. She neglects the children for her job; she wanted an educated, working daughter-in-law — why have her priorities changed now? She refuses to mingle with the family; his mother gives us zero privacy.

But there are some who claim they’ve faced unheard of situations. “My mother-in-law accompanied us to our honeymoon,” says Amina* who has been married for five years.

“I don’t have a single memory with my husband which isn’t tainted by her unpleasant presence. She is like the other woman in our relationship — the other woman I can never compete with.”

Rabiya*, a mother of two, says, “The key is to put your foot down the very first day. My mother-in-law re-arranged my room in my absence in the very first week of my marriage.

I could either have stayed quiet or done something.” What did she do? “Without raising a fuss, I told the servants to put every single thing back the way it had been,” she smiles.

The strategy worked in Rabiya’s case but those with strong-willed mothers-in-law will tell you that turf wars are long and debilitating, and are rarely settled in a single battle. While mothers-in-law may have a hard time giving their bahus personal space, daughters-in-law may resent their lack of control over how the household is run. And this situation can persist for years, with grievances piling up on both sides.

But 40-year-old Amara who has been married for almost 20 years has a different tale to tell. Her husband is usually away for business and she shares most of her domestic life with her three children, one of whom is an infant, and her mother-in-law. “I think she is more of a husband than her son,” she says. “We’ve become so used to each others company that I can’t even go buying groceries unless I ask her to come with me.”

Things weren’t always like this, she explains. “There was a tooth and nail fight to bring peace to the house,” she says. “My husband is an attention-seeker and so is his mom. When

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

I first got married, I stuck out like a sore thumb in this perfect family of four sisters and one brother.”

Amara* thinks that it was her refusal to whine and cry that helped her turn things around. Rather than brushing things under the carpet, she addressed each and every issue. She thinks that most daughters-in-law start off with a victim mentality which is why they are unable to change things in their household.

The other side of the story Mrs Asfandyar*, a widow from Karachi, brought up her only son as a single mother but when he married his class fellow, she wasn’t able to cultivate the relationship she had hoped for with her daughter-in-law. “I’ve been bringing her presents from the day they first got engaged: clothes, jewelry, cutlery, everything. But I’ve never seen her use any of it. Either the dress is not her colour, or the cutlery is too expensive for daily use. I believe she passes them on to her sisters — there has to be a place where everything goes!” says Mrs. Asfandyar.

While most daughters-in-law call their mothers-in-law constant criticising machines, the latter resent the secretive behaviour that ends up isolating them from their sons.

Zahida* thinks her daughter-in-law has a superiority complex which makes her reject everything coming from her mother-in-law. “My son asked me to help him furnish the guest area in his farm house. And guess what? Most of the things that I brought were taken away and changed within no time. I felt so insulted; it was like I have bad taste. She even said that their children should share her father’s surname after my son’s because it would give them a sense of identity — a complete identity. Imagine!”

Saima*, who likes to introduce herself as a proud grandmother of 15, says she has an amazing relationship with her husband and wished all her daughters-in-law did the same but “unfortunately, today women are too wrapped up in themselves; their husbands and children are secondary.”

“I have nothing against my daughters-in-law,” she shrugs. “I had just hoped they

“My mother-in-law accompanied us to our honeymoon! I don’t have a single memory with my husband which isn’t tainted by her unpleasant presence.”

would be more attentive to their home and children, and less into shopping and socialising.”

Although she calls herself the head of the family, she blames her sons for not putting their foot down as far as her daughters-in-law are concerned. She contrasts their lives with her own; as the wife of the eldest son, she had responsibilities towards her parents-in-law and her husband’s seven siblings. “My mother-in-law never let him out of her sight. He would be her chaperon to family gatherings while I was the eldest bhabi, baby-sitting his siblings. Against that, my daughters-in-law are lucky to have someone like me as their mother-in-law.”

The saga continues

I’ve always brought her presents but I’ve never seen her use any of them. Either the dress is not her colour, or the cutlery is too expensive for daily use. I believe she passes them on to her sisters — there has to be a place where everything goes!”

“I love my husband to death but I can never make myself like his mother even remotely,” says Samra* unequivocally, crystallising the sentiments of many a woman. To her, the worst part of the day is the morning tea which she takes with her saas when no one else is home. Though she strives to make conversation and politely agrees with her opinions, she keeps waiting for the phone call from her sister which comes at noon everyday and brings the ordeal to an end.

“I have a mother to love and she has her two daughters. Who are we fooling?

Any woman who says she is a daughter to her mother-in-law lies!” says Samra*.

Although fathers-in-law usually keep their distance from volatile situations and refrain from actively taking sides in this relationship “mine is like the longlost sister my mother-in-law never had. The two gang up against me and my husband like we are a pair of teenagers,” says Samra*.

So is there a solution to the impasse? While some saas-bahus may have found the ideal balance, most testify that the relationship is a source of daily stress and advocate disengagement and distancing.

“I will soon be in my 40s and more concerned about my children’s education, marriage and house,” says Samra*. “The energy that I have now will leave me and I want to have fun rather than trying to please my mother-in-law.” *Names have been changed to protect privacy

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Ms

en vogue

From Basics to Bridals

Resham Revaj display their craftsmanship on a range of attire. From casual kurtas to embellished shaadi wear, they have got you covered for all occasion

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

Coordination: Raspberry PR Photographer: Umair bin Nisar Make-up: Natasha Designer: Resham Revaj Model: Ayyan

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Ms

mother superior

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

Parenting Guide Your guide to managing your kids during Ramazan

Fizzy drinks are ubiquitous on the iftari table and a constant temptation to the expectant mom. Although the diet version is often labeled safe, they are generally considnsidered to have adverse effects during pregnancy because they contain caffeine and artificial sweeteners. According to BabyMed, the different types of artificial sweeteneners used in different sodas can have varying effects on a pregnant woman. While Aspartame is considered safe if taken in moderation, Saccharin is known to produce ce birth defects during lab testing and hence should not be consumed during pregnancy. Sucralose is the least researched sweetener and should be avoided for safety. A study of 60,000 Danish women published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that consuming diet sodas increased the risk of pre-term delivery. Women en who had one serving of artificially sweetened soda a day were 38 percent more likely to deliver preterm than women who drank no diet soda while women who had d at least four diet sodas a day were 80 percent more likely to deliver preterm. Researchers thought the sweetener Aspartame, which is generally considered safe if taken en in n moderation, was to blame.

The verdict: While diet sodas can’t be beneficial since they have no nutritional value, they do have caffeine and artificial sweeteners which might harm you and yourr baby. So it’s best to stay away from them. Give into your temptation once or twice a week but try substituting beverages such as milk and fresh fruit juices for a healthier pregnancy.

Fasting may be the most obvious way of observing Ramazan but one that children will not be able to participate in.

That doesn’t mean that they have to stay out of the month-long spiritual celebrations, however. There are a host of activities to kindle the true spirit of Ramazan in your child.

Tell your child why we fast: Teach them the rationale behind fasting and its spiritual rewards. Rather than focusing on the material aspects, explain the importance of empathy and charity.

Make a good deeds list: Ask your child to make a list of good things that she wants to o do, then try to help them least one each day. Alternatively, you can just list the good deeds that your child do at le d performs each day, whether it is sharing a toy with a younger sibling or helping you with chores. whethe Make a Ramazan bookmark: Your child may not read the Quran everyday but he can n make a bookmark for you to use as a placeholder.

Involve your child in iftari Prepration: Give him responsibility of putting the dates on n a platter and distributing them tto each fasting person at iftar, pouring glasses of water or making sherbet. Make e him feel proud of what he’s doing by telling him about the rewards of feeding someone doi .

Wake her up for sehri: Even if your child is too young too fast, she will love the excitement of waking up at sehri and taking a meal at an unusual hour.

On at least one night during Ramazan, make your child participate in sehri.

Teach your child the value of dua: Ask your child what she would like to pray for and d get her to set aside asid a certain time each day to pray for what she wants.

Encourage sharing and charity with the less fortunate: You can make a sadqah jar and get your child to collect Encou coins from around the house to give to a needy person. Alternatively, if you have a reward eward chart system for your child on a regular basis, you can ask her to use her points to get a reward for a needyy person instead of herself.

This will w drive home the importance of giving.

Make tin t can luminaries: Use an empty can, hammer and nail to make the holes, perhaps rhaps in the shape of a crescent an and stars. Light the luminary during the last nights of Ramazan with your child.

domestic goddess 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

Recipe Kachoris are a special iftar treat, readily available from street vendors everywhere, along with samosas and pakoray. Unfortunately, they are deep-fried in oil and can be quite heavy on the stomach. Try this light recipe for homemade kachoris and mint chutney so you can enjoy them without feeling too guilty.

Kachoris

Method For the dough • Sift the flour and soda thoroughly in a bowl.

• Add the oil and yogurt to the bowl and mix.

• Add the water one tablespoon at a time and keep mixing until there is no dry flour left and dough is formed. You will require 2 to 3 tbsp of water for this.

• Knead the dough for 2 to 3 minutes.

• Allow the dough to rest for about 2 hours.

For the filling • Heat 1 tbsp oil in a pan.

• Once the oil has reached medium heat, add the ginger-garlic paste.

• Add the chicken and seasoning and cook until chicken is tender and set aside.

For the dip • Process all the ingredients, except the yogurt, in a blender until they become a fine paste.

• Add the mixture to yogurt to make the green dip.

Madiha Hamid is a digital media professional.

She runs a food blog for Pakistani and regional cuisines called cheflingtales.com.

Follow her on Twitter @cheflingtales

For the dough:

Flour 1 cup

Oil/butter 1 tbsp

Yogurt 1 tbsp

Salt 1 tsp

Soda ½ tsp

For the filling: Let’s Get Rolling!

• Divide the dough into 4-6 portions.

• Take each portion, make it into a ball and then roll it thin with a rolling pin.

• Add the chicken filling to the centre of each portion, leaving some space on its outer ring.

• Take all ends of the dough and join them in the centre (over the top of the filling) for each portion.

Repeat this method for the remaining dough.

• Deep fry the kachoris until the sides turn goldenbrown.

• Serve the kachoris with mint and green chilli dip.

Minced/boneless chicken 250 gms

Soya sauce 2 tbsp Ginger-garlic paste 1 tbsp

Salt and pepper to taste

For the dip:

Mint leave 1 hand full

Green chillies 2

Water 1 tbsp

Salt to taste

Yogurt 1 tbsp

Water

hottie of the week 8

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 21, 2013

Status Born

single Merghuz, Pakistan

Birthday

5th February, 1982

Face

90%

Fawad Ahmed

Body

95%

Who is he?

Afridi, eat your heart out! We have a ‘boom-boom’ new Lala on the rise, that too with one hell of an inspirational story! This gorgeous Pakhtun kick-started his cricket career in his native village of Merghuz at the Golden Cricket Club while simultaneously working for an NGO that supported women’s health and education but was forced to relocate to Australia owing to threats for indulging in the ‘Western’ game. However, once out of danger, Fawad’s rugged appeal and leg-spinner skills clean-bowled the land down under and he was signed to the Melbourne Renegades in Australia’s Big Bash League. Impressed yet? We are!

Talent

90%

Why we love him Given Fawad’s chiselled features and perfectly sculpted body, what is not to love? In just a few years of playing professionally, Fawad is on top of his game! He has already been dubbed by many as the “next Shane Warne” and one of cricket’s “most notable feel-good stories.” Despite his success though, he remains unbelievably down to earth and thankful for the second chance life has given him.

But we would like to add it’s not just the world of cricket he is winning hearts in! There is much more to this gorgeous Pakhtun that just that.

For those who love the ‘strong, silent types,’ Fawad is a firm believer in gender equality and education. He feels that both are the fundamental rights of every human being and hopes for a world with free education for all. Instead of breaking and hiding away, Fawad decided to pursue his dreams despite all obstacles, maturing into a strong-willed and ambitious man with solid focus and a ‘nice guy’ appeal that melted even the hearts of Australian immigration officials who fast-tracked his claim for citizenship to keep him there. Long story short, Fawad is the epitome of a hardworking and genuinely sweet guy, a treat to both the eye and heart!

What you didn’t know about him Would you believe that that the first time Fawad played cricket was in graveyard in the Swabi district of Pakistan where a group of locals had reserved a plot of land for their matches?

His application for Australian citizenship was rejected thrice before they finally approved it and our guess is that the Australian government just couldn’t resist Fawad’s charming aura either.

Total Package

92%