inside
Ms JULY 29, 2012
domestic goddess Melt his heart with a Chocolate cake
drama mama -
ISSUE NO. 6
The imperfectly perfect mummy
like a boss -
Leaving the nest Single and studying abroad
page
Steal Lana Del Rey’s retro style
page
Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk
Never-ending guilt
hottie of the week Adnan Malik
annoying things my older sister does
2
Ms
the buzz
As more and more girls pack their bags and move abroad for higher education, their parents are shedding a load of cultural baggage
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
Breaking New
Ground
o Mifrah Haq When Sadia Masood applied for university admission abroad, her mother stood by calmly, watching her daughter spend hours filling out forms, writing essays, and getting her documents in order. Privately, she thought that either Sadia wouldn’t make it or that, when the time came, she would change her mind about studying abroad. After the gruelling application process and waiting, Sadia got admission into a prestigious computer science institute in Saarbrücken — a small German town close to the French border. With its quaint architecture and a vibrant young population, Saarbrücken promised to be unlike anything Sadia had experienced before. A few days later, her passport arrived with a German visa stamped on it. That’s when Sadia’s mother flipped out. “Germany?” she asked incredulously. “How on earth will you manage there on your own?” What followed were days of back-and-forth arguments. Sadia insisted she wanted to go and that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But her mother couldn’t accept the fact that she was letting her young, inexperienced daughter go to a strange land where she couldn’t even speak the language. One of the many objections she had was concern for Sadia’s health and safety. But Sadia’s father and elder sister put their weight behind Sadia, and eventually her mother had to give in. After days of cajoling and reassurances, Sadia was on a plane to Frankfurt and, from there, on a train to Saarbrücken. In retrospect, Sadia is amazed that her extended family didn’t object much to her leaving. Only a handful of people considered a single girl’s move abroad to be a bad idea and they advised Sadia’s parents to get their daughter married off before she left. Luckily for Sadia, her parents didn’t heed this advice and her mother eventually got around the idea of her daughter doing just fine by herself. In fact, says Sadia, “On certain occasions, I found my mother appreciating my decision.” Perhaps a greater number of girls in Pakistan are leaving home for higher education than at any other time, thanks to the increasing availabilty of scholarships, from the Fulbright to those sponsored by the Higher Education Commission. As the number of scholarships for girls has grown, so has social acceptability of the fact that single girls can venture out and live on their own for the sake of education. This freedom was largely inconceivable for our mothers’ generation, when the majority of girls completed their intermediate level already engaged, ready for marriage and domestic duties. Interestingly, it is these women who are now changing with the times and letting go of their daughters, encouraging them to explore their options and develop their potential — although somewhat nervously. Naghma Nasir, who has two daughters studying in Malaysia, was apprehensive when her younger daughter first broached the idea of moving out. It was a big deal that Rimsha, 18 at the time, wanted to leave her home and live on her own in a foreign land. “You have all sorts of comforts here, you have your family here, and it’s cheaper too. Why do you want to go to Malaysia?” she questioned. Pressure from Naghma’s own family was also intense. To those of a more traditional bent, it was a stigma for a young girl to live alone and away from the protective family grove. “Will you send your daughters away to live alone?” Naghma’s mother would ask. What made the idea so worrisome was that the girls were young, single and, as their family thought, susceptible — there was simply too much that could go wrong. It took some explaining on Rimsha’s part to convince her mother to let her go. Malaysia was a better place than Pakistan to study Interior Architecture, she would earnestly argue. Seeing her daughter’s avidness for her chosen field is what tilted the balance in her favour. And so, despite the family pressure, Naghma relented and let her daughter go. Naghma’s concerns echo that old chestnut in our society of keeping girls protected and grounded for their own good. To some extent, it makes sense. A woman’s future and marital prospects are closely tied to her honour. Breaking the rules of social conduct set by society for her, such as dressing a certain way, sticking to a curfew time and avoiding certain no-go areas, can cause irreparable damage to her reputation and potentially harm her prospects for landing a suitable marriage proposal. But while living abroad, these rules of conduct are likely to be in direct conflict with the new society she is trying to adjust into. For parents, letting a girl live on her own is a bigger deal than letting a guy find his own feet — and not just because of the ‘manly’ tasks she’ll have to handle. No matter how educated and street-smart she may be, certain inhibitions continue to stick in the minds of people about a girl living on her own, without the protective eye of her elders on her. To many, having lived alone implies that a girl’s models may have been corrupted and that she may have had intimate relationships with guys. The independence of living on one’s own might also mean that a girl may no longer feel the need to ask elders before going out of the house, she may have become ‘modern’ in her dressing or that she might be too inflexible to make compromises after marriage.
3
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
7 annoying
things my older sister does If Satan had a wife, it would be my big sister Big borrower, lousy lender She borrows my clothes, jewellery, shoes and bags and when she returns them, they look nothing like their original selves — in fact, she takes such a long time to return them that I forget what they looked like, in the first place. But she refuses to let me walk out the door if I’m wearing her stuff.
Sadia, with her mother. Initialy opposed to her daughter moving abroad, Mrs Masood later ended up appreciating her daughter’s confidence and self-sufficiency. While such freedoms are the hallmarks of western lifestyle, Pakistani society at large is yet to come to terms with them. A girl living on her own abroad may want to make adjustments, such as frequenting clubs and bars to socialise with the people around her, and to fit into a foreign society. All this is unlikely to be in compliance with her parents’ and her native society’s expectations. It is this fear that has haunted Pakistani parents and discouraged them from sending their girls abroad. By their own admission, girls may change in ways that are not encouraged while living with family. Without parental badgering or societal judgments, you become used to not having to inform anyone about a night out with friends, and takeout dinners will become the norm sans lectures on the health hazards from your mom. Rimsha comes home every six months, so she says she is reminded of what her culture is like. But for someone who comes to Pakistan after three or four years, there could be real adjustment issues. When Rimsha’s friend drinks, it often leads to a fall out with her mother, who wants her daughters to surround themselves with people with similar values. “Many parents even restrict their daughters’ dressing out of fear for their security, telling them not to wear sleevelesses or to go easy on the low necks, even if they were considerably liberal in Pakistan,” says Rimsha. Another issue that crops up is that, no matter how safe the city you live in, your parents will always be worried for your security. Rimsha says that the list of unrealistic expectations her parents have of her includes them demanding that she be home by Maghrib. “That is not always possible since I often have group assignments. They don’t understand that. They call at 8 or 9 in the night to check on me and freak out if I don’t pick up.” She is also expected to Skype everyday for an hour, something that would not be expected from a guy. Yet, Rimsha’s young age spares her parents one grave concern: that she will cross her eligible age for marriage when she returns. Many parents oppose their daughters leaving for studies abroad simply because their education will effectively eat into the years of finding a suitable match. Also, since girls who’ve lived on their own abroad are perceived as having a somewhat licentious lifestyle, this too reduces their chances of finding a suitable partner in an arranged marriage. Mrs. Alam, a veteran match-maker in Defence, says that while most prospective grooms and their mothers ask for girls not older than 26 years, there is no dearth of “broad-minded people” who are happy to have foreign educated daughters-in law who have lived alone abroad. According to Rubina Khan, a match-maker in Gulshan-e-Iqbal, such girls are becoming sought-after given their ability to offer financial support in times of inflation and job insecurity. Sadia does think that her independent lifestyle may pose a problem when she begins her married life. “I am used to living alone and doing what I want without informing anyone,” she says. “But I intend to communicate with my husband and try to find a way to live together and still be able to enjoy our freedoms.” Yet, it is encouraging to see that people are sending away their daughters for higher education despite these fears and concerns. Farah Sultana Akbar, an ethnic Hazara from Quetta, was just 20 when she left her hometown and became the first girl in her family to have gone for higher studies in 2004. With her parents’ support, she completed her Masters in Literature from Karachi University and lived in the girls’ hostel with 14 other girls.“My extended family, which included my grandparents, was not really happy with the decision,” she says. “They never told me directly, but I know that my aunts and grandparents were trying to discourage my father from sending me by planting doubts in his mind.” But attitudes have changed — even in a place like Quetta where traditions trump modernity. “I was the first one and that’s why it was difficult for the extended family to accept. But after me, there were at least five other girls who left Quetta for further studies,” says Farah. And the same grandfather who had opposed Farah’s leaving the city started telling his granddaughter that she should now do a double PhD. “Whenever I used to come home for vacations, he was the person who was most interested in my work. He would ask me what exactly it was that I do, what I study, how I plan my future!” she says. And in a place where parents and the family plan a woman’s future, that was a huge change.
Who’s got my back? Apparently, no one! I have to cover her butt if my mother asks why there is ‘smoke’ in the loo or where she might have gone at 1am, but dare I come a minute after 11pm and she will refuse to let me in the door. I’m 25, not five! In a few years, I’ll be hitting 30, but sister dearest talks to me like I’m still 5. She’ll snatch the remote control, make fun of my hair, repeat everything I say and sneakily read all my text messages. And after one hour of reading, she’ll sing-song for hours, “You HAVE a boyfraaaaand.”
Lazy + squealer = nightmare sister She uses her big sister card to get me to do everything for her. And if I dare to not comply with her wishes, she blackmails me worse than the mafia ever could.
Embarrassment galore They could be colleagues from work, but if they run into your big sister, she’ll somehow find a way to hog their attention and reminisce about how fat you were growing up and your horrendous buck teeth.
Irremovable halo on her head She could commit fraud, terrorise a nation or murder an entire race, but for your parents, she will always be an angel. And they’ll repeatedly tell you to model yourself after her.
7
6
Your personal lie detector You can fool your parents, you can lie to your best friend, but when it comes to sisters and deception, you can never succeed.
4
Ms
drama mama
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
Imperfect I’m not my mother, but I’m doing okay (I think)
Hiba Masood is a stay-athome mother to 3-year-old Beta and 7-month-old Beti. Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it.
CONNECT WITH DRAMA MAMA ONLINE AT WWW. FACEBOOK.COM/ETDRAMAMAMA FOR MORE THOUGHTS ON THE CRAZY RIDE OF MOTHERHOOD
by Hiba Masood You know that awesome feeling you get at the end of the day when your house is sparkling, your dinner is cooked, your kids are showered, fed and happy, and you’re looking pretty in a fresh outfit? Yeah, me neither. It’ss terrible, I know but on any one day I will be able to manage about two out off those four tasks. It’s especially infuriating that I’m at home because I know if any one of those alpha-female, super mom types (you know they exist) walked in, they might wonder what it is I’m up to all day. I often wish I was like my mother. She had three children and her house was always clean, her food was always cooked and she he was always so pleasant to my dad. I have two kids. My house is not ot dirty exactly, no … but it is messy. My fridge is sometimes empty off food. And I am too often the exact opposite of pleasant to Hums. I know that if I waste less time surfing on the net, things may improve. My laundry basket is always overflowing. It’s not dirty clothes. No, no, it’s just clean, washed clothes I haven’t gotten tten around to putting away. So we spend entire weeks just picking ing our necessaries right out of there. During the day, the kids and I sit on the floor and eat because I just can’t bring myself to o set the table. I totally forget to brush Beta’s teeth some nights. Except by ‘forget’, I actually mean that I think about it once I’ve laid down, and I look longingly towards the bathroom as if I could somehow will the brush to magically come to me and then I close my eyes and pretend to sleep.And he eats too much chocolate. How much is too much, you ask? Well, it’s one of those things that you can’t define it but you know it when you see it and man oh man, but he eats too much chocolate. Which makes the not brushing of the teeth worse.There’s a little hook sitting on my kitchen counter, waiting to be fixed on to a picture frame. It’s been there for three months. Right next to the dried roses I’ve been meaning to stick artistically in a jar for the past two weeks. Hums asks for an evening snack and I have to announce “We’re fresh out of snacks. And dinner. And breakfast too. On the bright side, I found a wilted bag of spinach, way at the back that I knew I had purchased but couldn’t find when
I was looking look for it!” Every few days, I look around me and an muse: What will I wish I h had done better? How much will it matter, that overflowing overflo laundry basket, those tho times I offer Beta a box of o cookies so I can work on a an article? Or let Beti experimentally expe bring my Crocs Croc to her mouth, because hey, at least she’s playing by b herself? Will my kids ever grow up and think: I wish I was like my mom? For me, m this has been the great refining, defining, anguish of motherhood: to angui accept my imperfections. To accep allow myself the flexibility of bei being great some days and just okay on others. To love myself anyway. To trust that those who love me should love me anyway. Because when I remember to, despite everything, I laugh at everything, and celebrate the flaws, flukes, and follies that make up my life, my beautiful, beautiful life, then Hums and the kids laugh with me. Before I know it, we’re in a giggling heap on the floor, right in the middle of the cookie crumbs from yesterday that I didn’t sweep up. That’s when I remember that I may not be like my mother, but I am still pretty cool. I make awesome roast chicken. I throw Hums great birthdays. I’ve sat for hours in a bedsheet tent house with the kids. I tell good jokes (at least I think so). And so, yeah, if I’m on the floor, I think I’m in the right place … knee deep in crumbs and gratitude.
kiss & makeup 5
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
Beauty tips and tricks that’ll sort you out in no time o Saba Khalid
Remember to always work hard at the office, not on your hair. Here are three easy squeezy hair styles that will let you hit the snooze button in the morning and you’ll still walk in at work on time without looking like roadkill.
Half updo Use your day-old blow dried hair and quickly straighten them from the top. Make a clean, centre part all the way through. Now lift the top portion of your hair from the middle of your head while leaving the front of your part perfectly intact. Backcomb the lifted portion and use hairspray if required. Pin it up in a way that it looks like a mini beehive. Leave the front hair pieces free like Kim does in the picture.
Side Twists
Channel you inner Lana Del Ray
Cat eyes Use thick, black eyeliner to line upper lash making it go all the towards your temple Use a black eye pencil to line your lower last. Make sure it is a little away from the lower rim of the eye Put three coats of mascara to finish off the look.
Nude lips Use a small dot of concealer and spread it across your lips with a finger. Now use a nude shade of lipstick over your lips. Use clear gloss to finish off the look.
Wear a pastel or white dress and don screaming neon yellow or hot pink heels with it. The point is to keep the look simple and stand out with your bright accessories.
Shampoo and condition hair, then dry normally as you would on any day. Use a bit of serum to give texture and reduce flyaways. Make a middle part. Take a small portion of your hair from the left — the portion which normally frames your face or can be tucked under your ear — twist it softly and pin it up. Repeat step 3 on your from the right side and pin it up on the other side.
Sock Bun Take a clean, black or brown sock (depending on your hair colour) and cut out its toe. Roll it out in a way that it looks like a doughnut. Brush out your day-old hair and secure it all with a black rubber band in a high ponytail. Now cover the rubber band with your sock doughnut. Use the hair pieces from your ponytail to mask the sock and pin it all up.
How to slaughter frizz
ore washing it. r hair half an hour bef Apply egg yolk to you r hair before stepping out of the shower. Run cold water over you hair when it is dripping wet. Never start blow-dryingl air from your blowdryer after styling it. Always blast some coo ive hot oil treatment every week. Give your hair an intens
6
Ms
domestic goddess
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
recipe
Chocolate fudge cake
method
Bake the cake Preheat the oven to 180O Celsius. Beat the eggs and sugar in the mixer, mix in the flour and cocoa powder. Pour the mixture in a cake pan and bake in the oven for 50 minutes. To check if it’s done, insert a toothpick in the centre and see if the toothpick comes out clean. If it comes out clean, take it out of the oven and leave it in the pan to cool for 20 minutes or more. Make the chocolate fudge Slice the cake in two and keep aside. Melt the dark chocolate slab over a pan of hot water. After it is fully melted, mix Ÿ 1/4 cup of milk in it. Beat until the mixture is shiny and soft. After the chocolate fudge is ready, layer the mixture between the two slices of cake. The remaining chocolate fudge can be spread on top of the cake.
Chef Bilal Ahmad of the Chameleon at the Royal Palm Golf and Country Club sweetens the deal.
ingredients Egg 4 Flour 1 cup Cocoa powder 1/4 cup Slab of dark chocolate 300 gm Milk 1/4 cup
like a boss 7
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
Guilty as charged
by Madiha Khalid
Learning
Madiha Khalid to forgive is a serious HR yourself for professional who test-drives the choices all employee that you motivational strategies on her make two-year-old son first. Read more from Madiha Khalid on facebook.com/ Woesofaworkingwoman I once asked a woman in a senior leadership role, what the number one issue she faced in the work place was. Expecting to hear glass ceiling, harassment and all the usual working women issues, imagine my surprise when she replied, “Guilt.” This got me wondering why working women can’t shake that devil called guilt off their shoulders no matter how in control they are of their life. When I was single and working I felt guilty that I was not spending enough time with my parents and siblings and helping with the household chores. When I got married I felt guilty for not being the perfect housewife. And once I had a kid, the emotion went to a different level altogether. It’s not that this horrible feeling creeps up every time you have to work over a weekend or travel for business; it’s a constant, dull, ache. You feel guilty when you’re at work for all the things that you could be doing at home with your kid and when you are home it’s guilt for all the challenging assignments you could be doing if you didn’t have responsibilities to fulfill at home. This is usually followed by a series of questions: “Is it worth it?’, “Am I doing the right thing?” and “Do I really want this at this point in my life?” After going through this drill for a big part of my career, I came to the conclusion that while there was no pill to make the guilt go away, thankfully it was not the worst thing to live with. It forced me to dig a little deeper to understand where this emotion was coming from and why it attacked me constantly. So I did what every typical business graduate would: I drew a decision tree of my life and all the choices I had. I could quit and spend all my time with my family and do all the things that I never have time for – basically spend my savings at the beauty salon. I could work from home – that way I could be in two places at the same time. As the drawing on the sheet took the form of a lush, healthy tree, I realised that it couldn’t be one without the other. I wanted to work. It meant something to me and if I was choosing that path, it would mean I would have to sacrifice some things. The tree I made helped me sift through what I was choosing and what I was giving up. As long as it was a choice, it meant that I was in the driving seat. Working comes with its own set of sacrifices and the question is not whether we feel guilty about these sacrifices but whether we choose to choose versus letting it happen to us. More importantly, we have to forgive ourselves for these sacrifices because you only feel guilty in the 20/20 vision of hindsight. As for how in control I am, I may feel like a 4 out of 10, but this is only at this point in my life which means that there is hope of it getting better – and that I can live with. So the moral of this story is that once in a while it is good to indulge in a little bit of remorse to figure out and make peace with the choices you have made in life. It also helps give clarity to your long term goals, desires and dreams. After all, you have to be okay with the choices you make. So for now all I am going to feel guilty about is devouring the chocolate fudge cake.
THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JULY 29, 2012
hottie of the week 8 Status Single Horoscope Gemini Born Pakistan Birthday
Face
85%
June 9th
Who is he? Hats are hard to pull off, but Karachi-based, Adnan Malik knows how to wear them well. Ever since he came back from New York in 2005, he’s donned many different ones and pulled off each with equal panache. He’s worn a sexy shirt or two for the Levis campaign, tuxedoed himself to host the Lux Style Awards, and has been putting his creativity to work as the video producer for Coke Studio. As a film-maker, his projects have been shown at Sundance and won awards at the Kara Film Festival and Delhi Digital Film Festival. But the hat that he wears most prominently is that of director for his boutique production company Adnan Malik Productions (AMP).
What you didn’t know about him
Body
75%
Talent
80%
Malik once owned a tee-shirt company called ‘Urban Turban’ in New York. He used to sell them from his stoop front in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The tees became so popular that they made it to Patricia Fields (Stylist for “Sex & the City”). Malik is also a yoga fanatic — he’s been practising it for the last 10 years. We like that he’s toned not bulky and won’t put his biceps ahead of his belle de jour.
His dream girl Someone who is independent, well-travelled, adventurous, with a fantastic sense of humour, and has a nice balance of homemaking skills and career-focus.
Total Package
80%
Celebrity crushes Natalie Portman and Jessica Pare of “Mad Men” fame.
Adnan Malik