The Express Tribune hi five - June 24

Ms JUNE 24, 2012 ISSUE NO. 1

STRESSFUL TIMES page Walk a mile in her shoes

MAN OF THE page WEEK Azeem Ibrahim

inside

parenting -

unwind -

recipe -

at work -

muddling through motherhood

our picks of the week

how to make the perfect prawn cocktail

how to be good at everything

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Ms

the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

Walk a mile in her shoes

The next time you feel jealous of a woman who seems to sail through everything, remember that underneath the perfect facade, she’s just as stressed as you

Saba Khalid Ask any woman what it means to be a woman in this day and age and she’ll probably tell you something like this: “It requires you to be physically, emotionally and spiritually perfect all the time.” For most women, failing is never an option — not as a daughter, not as a wife and definitely not as a mother. Now imagine being saddled with this burden of ‘perfection’ from childhood to adulthood, imagine the constant stress and anxiety that comes along with always trying to do it right, and the heavy dose of judgement that comes when you fall short, and you’ll have an idea of what it feels like to walk in a woman’s oft painful shoes.

As a female psychologist, Atiya Khan knows exactly how unfair it is to be the fairer sex. Atiya says, “Each and every phase of a woman’s life is filled with its own particular battles. Take motherhood — any woman who has had babies can attest to the fact that it can drive the sanest of us nuts. Add to this work-related stress, financial pressure, spousal problems and our own tricky bodies that love playing games on us and you literally have a ticking bomb on your hands.”

Atiya also suggests that the most difficult stages of a woman’s life are adolescence, motherhood and mid-life. “Women will experience a different set of stressors at each stage and will need to balance responsibilities and pressures accordingly,” says Atiya.

Catapulting into adolescence While adolescence can feel like a war for both genders — a war in which not only is one in a battle with one’s emotions but also suffering severe blows to one’s self-esteem — it’s a little worse for girls. As a girl, not only is your body changing beyond your understanding, you are also being bombarded with images of supposedly perfect bodies, mounting peer pressure and sudden male attention — at the exact age when you become most susceptible to depression, anxiety, stress and eating disorders.

Peer pressure can be the hardest thing to deal with during adolescence. On the threshold of womanhood, when one is fearful and insecure more often than not, the teasing really destroys one’s self-esteem. This is also the time when female rivalry starts brewing as girls start competing with each other for male interest and experience jealousy towards their own friends.

“Growing up, my childhood best friend had turned into a swan by age 16. At the time, I was still struggling with my looks so I started resenting her,” says 25-year old working woman Rana Akbar*. “I would gang up and bully her relentlessly during lunch hour. I still feel guilty for what happened between us.”

Early puberty or sexually maturing earlier poses yet another problem. More than a few researches have outlined that early puberty can put women at a higher risk for psychological problems, aggression and being abused.

In 21-year-old Hajra Mansoor’s* experience, the timing of puberty can be critical. A student, Hajra says,“I started menstruating years before any of my friends and for an entire year, I had to hide this fact so that my friends would not treat me differently.”

But whether early or late, once puberty sets in, another struggle begins — PMS. And this one comes fully loaded every month with a tray full of depression, cramps, anger, bloatedness and the insane desire to devour an entire chocolate fondue on your own.

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

Young adult madness As soon as peer pressure subsides and women gain more control over monthly mood swings, the leeway that was given in our teens is abruptly yanked away.

All of a sudden, you are expected to make decisions about your career direction, marriage and children — all at the same time! Making that transition from an unsure, insecure and often scared teenager to a sure, secure, and unafraid adult in our twenties is difficult, to say the least. And the sudden need to juggle several responsibilities only adds to the difficulties of this phase.

“I thought that by the age of 25, I’d have my life all figured out. I would be someone important. I’m 27 now — I still haven’t found the right job or a special person in my life. All my friends have either tied the knot, gone abroad for studies or have kids. I can’t log onto Facebook, as I see everyone else has progressed in their life except me,” says Insiya Noman*.

While Insiya may be the only one piling pressure on herself to be married, other girls in their twenties have their parents doing that job as well. “I hadn’t even completed my bachelors when my parents started looking for rishtas. I had to go through one trolley trauma after another,” says 29-year-old Bushra Ghani* who is now a housewife.

For others, uncertainty of what it is to come next in life is also stressful. Kiran Haq*, a student, says, “I’m still struggling with college and my parents’ expectations of me.”

However, even if you’ve taken the hard decisions and figured out your route in life by your twenties, something stressful is always just around the corner. Newly married Hira Raza* who had a corporate job before marriage says, “It’s only been a year since I got married but my in-laws are already hoping for a grandchild. My husband and I are still getting used to each other.

I had plans of resuming work, but that may not happen if I choose to have a baby now.”

Transitioning into mid-life

30 40

Once you’ve crossed the threshold of 30, ridiculous selfexpectations and body image issues seem to resolve and women develop a greater appreciation of themselves. In your 30s, you grow more confident and learn to cope with life’s changes, handle growing families and climb the corporate ladder. But even when women are being kinder to themselves, our bodies may be working against us. With reproductive potential diminishing, if you haven’t had a baby by 35, one of the scariest prospects is realising that you may not be able to have one at all.

Take, for instance, Najia Akram*, who has been desperately trying for a baby. “It’s been five years since we got married, but I still haven’t had a baby. I’ll be turning 30 this year and they tell me 90 per cent of my eggs will be gone. And even if I do have a baby, the chances of complications are greater,” says Najia.

For women who were lucky to have babies at the supposedly right age, juggling a full-time career with motherhood can become stressful. “I work 9-5 in the corporate world and then 5-10 as a mother at home, my responsibilities never seem to end. I often find myself thinking that I could’ve been more successful at work had a baby not slowed me down,” says 32-year old Rabail Raza*.

Manic midlife They may say life begins at 40, but for most women the 40s are usually spent dealing with the first signs of physical aging like wrinkles, changes in body weight and other health issues. More worrying is perimenopause, the period before the start of menopause marked by the loss of estrogen, fluctuating hormones and changed sex drive.

Like most women, Jabeen Saeed*, a woman in her forties, is petrified of aging.

“Now that age has crept up on me, I’m really scared. Every mole, ache and bruise makes me wonder if this is how it will be ‘the end’ for me,” she says.

But even those who aren’t fearful of ageing have their bodies working against them.

“I was pretty content until I started experiencing some of the perimenopause symptoms. Then, I knew the fun had just begun,” says 45-year-old Fehmeeda Hasan* wryly.

Aging and health issues aside, family pressures don’t seem to subside at this age either. “I‘m taking care of my husband’s parents, my own aging parents and my children. There is very little time I have for my own self,” says 48-year-old Tahira Akbar*.

Also, the realisation that one’s children have grown up, and are less dependent on one can be a stressor for many women. Letting go of old, familiar responsibilities can be equally difficult for others. “My son just left for college. I constantly worry about him. With him independent and so far away from me, my life has lost its meaning,” says 42-year-old Laiba Khan*.

If it isn’t obvious, being a woman is never easy. Each woman, no matter how perfect she looks or seems, is suffering in her own way. But none of this is to say that women should start pitying ourselves considering we are put through so much. Instead, we should pat ourselves on the back, celebrate our achievements and allow ourselves to not be so perfect every now and then. *Names have been changed to protect privacy

Best Friends

forever or never 5 dealbreakers that can spell the end of your friendship She has attention deficit disorder (ADD) around you Does she zone out when you start talking? Text while you’re droning on about your crush’s eye colour? These are all signs of a narcissistic friend. Next time she’s zoned out when on a girly night with you, text her, “It’s over!”

She judges you when you reveal a huge secret You could reveal that you have a fetish for killing innocent kittens, but your best friend cannot and should not judge you for a second. It’s really her fault for making friends with a psychopath in the first place!

When you’re Debbie downer, she acts like a Stepford wife It is every best friend’s duty to one-up our disappointments and embarrassments (with either real or imagined scenarios) to make us feel better. If she takes your break-up as an opportunity to gloat about the diamond necklace her husband just got her, slap her in the face!

She criticises your clothing, makes fun of your shoes — and not in a funny way There’s a huge difference between “It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork” and “Is THAT what you’re going to wear, like, OUTSIDE?” The former is cute, the latter is witchy, learn the difference.

You don’t feel comfortable being yourself around her Best friends are one notch above ice cream cake — they make life almost worth living even on your most depressing nights. But if yours is making you feel like stale cake, it’s time you binned her.

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Ms

drama mama

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

the juggling act

Why it’s important to hit pause and enjoy the moment every now and then Hiba Masood is a stay-athome mother to 3-year-old Betu and 7-monthold Beti. Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it. Find her on facebook.com/ muddling

I’m not exactly the most graceful person. Even if you were kind, you’d best describe me as “happily clumsy”. Growing up, my parents had to frequently remind me to, “Laugh less, play more!” As soon as any game would begin, I could be heard shrieking with delight even as I missed every shot, dropped every ball and fell over every few minutes. Considering this, the fact that I can handle my actual life is all the more bewildering.

I liken most of my days to being in a circus in which I am a juggler, flinging up dozens of balls and looping them in arcs above me.

And the only way I can keep them in the air is by not thinking too hard about what all I’m doing.

I constantly keep a to-do list on my refrigerator but still can’t tick off my tasks faster than I add them. On the work front, there are writing jobs and freelance work and on the home front, I have two kids under the age of four. I have no hired help and my husband works long hours. And so my list is long and strange, organised from top to bottom by their priority and peppered with notes and half thoughts on every possible topic. If I accomplish something that’s not on my list, I write it down and tick it off in one fluid motion — a bit like my 3-year-old son when he takes off his shoes and puts them back on just to show off that he can now do it himself.

The juggling act doesn’t get any simpler whether you work outside of the house or not. Because as a parent, it seems that you’re constantly solving the Rubik’s Cube — fortifying one colour without messing up the others. While a flexible job, good childcare, abundant financial resources, a supportive spouse, a devoted community of extended family and friends can make things easier, the only way to actually make them all work together is to pay attention to each area of your life.

by Hiba Masood asood

Welcome to my zen-dagi!

This might not be a radical idea and I didn’t need to meditate in the mountains for a hundred years to offer this to you but, much as I like the theory of being present and in the moment, it is difficult to quiet the nagging voice of anxiety in my head, quit the habitual checking of Facebook, the compulsive adding of items to the list (“shower!”; “Google when to introduce eggs to baby”) and to put the Zen back in my zindagi — to make it my Zen-dagi if you know what I’m saying and can totally get behind lame wordplay humour. When I’m with my kids, I try to be present mentally as well but, simple as this may seem, it requires an almost daily renewal of commitment.

So I started off this practice of mindfulness with the kids’ bedtime. I quit approaching bedtime as a task to get done with and started seeing it as an opportunity to be present.

For instance, last night while lying in bed with my children, I stopped making lists in my head. I blocked thoughts about money, work and deadlines. I didn’t wish that the kids would fall asleep so I could be somewhere else, doing something else. Instead, I noticed the dark crescents of their eyelashes, watched as the fading light of day turned their cheeks to golden apricots. As their breathing steadied, I felt my heart swell with joy and gratitude. It was utterly ordinary. And utterly extraordinary. I felt unhurried, peaceful, and connected.

And I was completely enlightened! Well, not completely because, as soon as I stepped away from my baby Buddhas, I snapped at my husband to come to the dinner table already (I was starving, okay?). I’m still a work in progress but at least I’m trying.

I figure that if I can just once a day pause for a moment and press my nose against my toddler’s hair, inhale that achingly familiar, fleeting baby smell and realise that this is as good as it gets, then it’s completely okay if on some days, sometimes, all the balls that I’m juggling fall to the ground. Because I know this matters more.

domestic goddess 5

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

recipe

prawn cocktail method Prepare the prawns Boil water with a small piece of ginger, lemon juice and salt.

Add prawns in boiling water for a minute. Remove them and put prawns in ice-cold water.

Make the cocktail sauce

Mix the mayonnaise, tomato ketchup, lemon juice and Tabasco sauce.

Mix fresh cream well and add to sauce mixture.

Place sauce mixture in the center of a plate in a decorative way.

Add the prawns to the sauce.

Add garnish.

ingredients Tabasco 01Tbs Salt To Taste Lemon Juice To Taste Tomato Ketchup 02 Tbs Mayonnaise 01Tbs

Bilal Ahmed, Executive Chef at Royal Palm Golf & Country Club, shows you how to make a superior prawn cocktail

Cucumber Sliced 04 pcs Fresh Cream 01 Tbs Prawn (Boiled) 04 pcs Ginger To Taste

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Ms

like a boss

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

Mommy in the boardroom by Madiha Khalid

You can’t keep your eyes off the clock — this meeting was supposed to end 25 minutes back. Your cleaning lady and cook must be banging at your door just about now. And your two-year-old must be throwing a fit and howling for you at his grandparents’ house. Tick tock … it’s 6pm, you muster your courage and blurt that you must leave. On your way home you wonder if you will get sidelined from this project too because

Madiha Khalid is a serious HR professional who test-drives all employee motivational strategies on her two-yearold son first.

Is it possible to have work-life balance and a successful career?

you have had to leave as soon as the clock inches close to 6pm. This evening is no different from any other weekday. As soon as your son is asleep and the house has a semblance of sanity, you switch on your laptop and quickly check if the project team has been announced. Your fear is now a reality: you have indeed been bumped off Project Apollo and once again you wonder if this is ‘worth’ it.

Even though your organisation encourages work life balance and the official work timings are 9 to 5, you can’t help but feel that ever since you had a baby you have been relegated to routine, non-exciting tasks.

The truth is that, after maternity leave, you have been more organised, work from home after your kid goes to sleep, have lunch at your desk and take fewer breaks at work. You have never missed a deadline, been more punctual and supported other colleagues more with their assignments. Still, you see important projects and major tasks being assigned to others. Project Apollo is a wake up call and you seriously consider what your options could be:

2. Create a

1. Talk to your line manager: It’s always best to face your fears because sometimes they could just be perceptio ns. Be honest and open about how you feel with out naming your colleagues or comparing your self to them.

Reiterate that it was your choi ce to return to work and how important it is for you to have a successful career.

Volunteer to take a few items off your line manager’s list of things to do. Use that as a starting point to prove that you are just as committed now as you were before motherh ood.

project:

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4. Do yo ur home work:

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5. Get a mentor:

the power of mentorNever underestimate l opportunity to pick ing. It is a wonderfu successful who has e eon som of the brain Talk to your ment. tha been there, done igating through nav on ice adv get tor and m to help you the Get . ion your organisat r immediate you n network and broade work circle.

If you expect to be treated differently because you are a working mother, then you may be feeding the myths about them. Everyone has issues and problems in their personal life and you are no different.

So when you are at work be 100% focused and get the most out of the day. But once you are at home make sure your kids get your devoted attention and care. Resist the temptation to take work calls and emails at home. The key is to find balance where you don’t let one aspect of your life interfere or disrupt the other. It is possible to have a work life balance and a successful career. Don’t let your work define who you are and what you are capable of. Work smarter not longer.

unwind 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

by Hamna Zubair

Hamna Zubair is a freelance journalist and poetry major who frets over the inexactness of 15-word bios. Nevertheless, you can follow her on twitter @hamnazubair

As the heat kicks in, most of us slide into the summer slump — the dread induced by the thought of leaving a cool bedroom in the morning, that bone-deep laziness that kicks in after lunch.

So with one eye on the weather and another on workplace anxieties, here are some easy-to-digest ‘musts’ that’ll revive you.

Shoot –“Mad Men’s” first season, ninth episode

The Art of War for Women by Chin-Ning Chu

This book is sure to rouse you from your summer stupor and prepare you for this year’s round of assessments and evaluations at work. The book, which is geared specifically towards women, adapts ancient Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu’s teachings for use in the modern workplace. In her preface, Chu promises the book will help you win without confrontation, master strategic thinking, and become more innovative, adaptive and creative. All good ideas for the summer months since they hinge on mental calisthenics rather than sweat-inducing physical stuff! In all seriousness, though, the book is filled with insightful anecdotes related by real women who share their frustrations and misgivings about professional life.

If you’re stuck for conversation, here are a few tidbits that could kick-start an evening

This critically acclaimed TV series has been lauded for its unapologetic depiction of the rampant sexism that working women had to face in the 1950s and 1960s. When I say unapologetic, I mean the show isn’t preachy or overly moralistic. It just tells it like it is (or, more accurately, like it used to be). Which is why, in this particular episode, I was saddened when Joan, the unabashedly sexy but pragmatic secretary at advertising firm Stanley Cooper Draper Price, has to decide whether furthering her career through less-than-kosher methods is worth it.

It’s a terrible thing to see this beautiful woman being used as a pawn in the cutthroat, male-dominated world of advertising, but it’s even more unsettling to know that she may never get what she wants unless she plays along. Attention must also be paid to lead character Don’s wife Megan, who is finally coming into her own.

After watching this episode, you’ll hopefully realise, as I did, that no amount of physical and material comfort can match the visceral thrill of challenging oneself intellectually and professionally — so go after that bonus or promotion, even if it means putting in longer hours now! If you’re looking for an expert opinion on the matter, Chin-ning Chu puts it rather well: “The next time you start thinking how nice it would be to quit your job and find a wealthy husband to support you, think again. Ask yourself whether the material gains are really worth giving up your dignity.”

Gamma’s gone wild

The accidental genius

The femalophile

Ever since a hilarious YouTube video of three grandmothers watching Kim Kardashian’s foray into the world of adult entertainment went viral, the browsing habits of retirees has been a hot topic of discussion of late. There’s a good lesson in there — grandmas have to delete their browser history too!

Did you know that a head injury could create a genius? According to an article that recently appeared in The Atlantic, it’s true.

This is a tantalising idea and is sure to provoke much debate — and a spike in the number of cases of self-inflicted head trauma, I’m sure!

If all else fails, your dinner companions are sure to be roused when you ask them whether male sex offenders should be given a harsher sentence than female sex offenders. This is a topic you should definitely stay abreast of ever since middle school teacher’s aide Gabriella Compton was sentenced to probation rather than prison time for her involvement with two male high school students.

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, JUNE 24, 2012

hottie of the week 8 status married to Hena children Two daughters birthday March 1976

Smarts:

100%

age Mid-thirties born Glasgow

who is he?

He’s a scholar, a respected entrepreneur, and a philanthropist. Yale calls him an ‘emerging world leader’, his columns are published in various international newspapers, he’s dined at the White House and met with the Queen. With three masters’ degrees under his belt and an entire bank to his credit, it’s no wonder he’s considered one of the most influential young Brits. In March this year, the chairman of PTI, Imran Khan appointed him as the strategic policy advisor for the party.

Body

100%

Why we’re crushing on him Ibrahim had a rough start growing up. His dad died and his business went bankrupt, so our hottie supported his family and has worked tirelessly from the age of 13.

His Don Draper-like appeal, mixed with his distinctive style — quintessential bow ties and clean side part — make him look every bit the gentleman that he is. But, since Ibrahim is a marathon runner and self-admitted “fitness fanatic”, it is safe to assume that underneath that welltailored suit is a killer bod. But the real cherry on this sumptuous cake is that he can speak four languages ... and we’re absolute suckers for dreamy accents!

Total Packge

93%

Why he’s a keeper

He’s charitable and devotes much of his time to non-profit enterprises like his most recent venture, a private grantgiving foundation. Aww, Ibrahim, wouldn’t we like a grant of your love!

azeem

ibrahim