The Express Tribune hi five - March 24

Ms MARCH 24, 2013 ISSUE NO. 40

Simply Prêtpage

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The roadblocks to adoption And how to get around them

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inside

drama mama —

Most mothers face loss amidst love

domestic goddess —

Give your chicken stir fry a Thai twist

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page Section In-Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk

The Aries Man: Ram it home!

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Ms

the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

The Chosen Child For single women, setting out to adopt a baby can be doubly difficult

We don’t choose our family, they say. We don’t get to make a choice about the ‘who’ when it comes to flesh and blood — who will be my parent, my sibling, my child. We often also do not choose the ‘when’, especially in the case of children. Often, we become parents at a less than optimal time, a tad bit too young or a wee bit too old. But when we decide to adopt, we are making a careful choice, one that is not without deliberation and careful thinking. Especially for a woman in Pakistani society, as they end up being the ones answering most questions in social gatherings — ranging from why she doesn’t have a child to even more invasive questions about ‘where was the baby adopted from’ if she went ahead with the decision to adopt. Thus couples and even single men and women have a hard time deciding to adopt, mostly because of the fear of social reactions.

by Farahnaz Zahidi

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

But for 33-year-old Samra Khwaja* and her husband, it was the best decision of their life.

“We decided to adopt a baby five years after we got married; we had been trying for a child for more than three years at that point,” says Samra, smiling as her 17-month-old adopted daughter Anaya plays with her hair and face while we talk. But in a society that is certainly baby-friendly but predominantly not adoption-friendly, it was a decision they had to carefully weigh.

“My husband and I had always wanted to adopt a baby, even if we had had our own biological children. We both were keen to give an orphan child the opportunity to be a part of a loving family. But strangely, when adoption became our only option, we found ourselves a little less certain,” says Samra.

The reservations are justified for a number of reasons. For starters, the law, or a lack thereof, makes adoption a difficult choice.

Legally Mine “There are currently no laws governing adoption in Pakistan,” says lawyer Mishal Husain.

“This does not mean that you cannot adopt a child; what it does mean is that if you do decide to adopt, the only legal relationship you can establish with the child is to become their guardian under The Guardians and Wards Act, 1890. In order to become the child’s guardian, the adoptive parents have to file a petition in court.”

Husain explains that because of this gap in our laws, adoptive parents cannot make birth certificates and B Forms for their adopted children, if they disclose the fact that they are adopted. “Most adoptive parents therefore simply state that the child was born at home when they go to have their birth certificate and B Form made,” says Husain, which explains why a lot of adoptive parents never reveal to the law that the child is adopted.

Tougher For a Single Woman A few years ago, Zahra Faiz* decided to adopt a baby. She is a single woman who has never been married, but is financially independent and has strong family support. Yet, every orphanage or organisation she went to was discouraging. “They’d usually say, ‘You are young and good-looking. Why don’t you get married and have your own childen?’ My reply would be that that is a personal choice. And some of these people are famous philanthropists who run well-known centres! Their reaction surprised me,” shares Zahra.

After a long wait, she finally got a call from a a very small social welfare organisation that a baby, a couple of days old, was available for adoption. “This child is the best thing that has happened to me,” she says.

Yet, her trial is not over. While the laws of legal guardianship are strict, most couples take advantage of loopholes to avoid long procedural issues and declare the child as their own. As a single woman, Zahra could not do that.

The result: her child had no B Form till five years of age and admission into school became an issue. While her own problem may have been solved, Zahra now is actively following the developments and policies regarding registration of adopted children.

Singled Out For single parents, adoption is doubly difficult. “Institutions dealing with adoption are reluctant to give a child to a single woman for fear that if that woman subsequently marries, she may abandon that child if her new husband is not keen on raising it,” says Husain, and explains that in addition to this, the single mother faces a hard time getting a birth certificate and B Form made for her child. “Having said that, I am aware of single mothers who have successfully adopted babies in Pakistan, had their papers made and are very happy with their decision,” says Husain, confirming that if you want something hard enough, you can find a way.

Adoption may also be hard for single fathers as the majority of babies up for

adoption are girls and institutions are reluctant to hand over a baby girl to a single male parent. However, Husain shares an interesting loophole here. “Despite NADRA guidelines indicating otherwise, it is not normally possible to get a birth certificate or B Form made on the basis of your guardianship of the child. The only persons that I am aware of who have succeeded in getting the birth certificate and B Form on the basis of their guardianship are single adoptive mothers and even they have to do a lot of running around.”

Faith Matters At a certain point, religion does step in. While Islam strongly encourages care and nurturing of orphans and unclaimed children, what it does not allow is giving an adopted child or society the illusion that she is the biological child of the adoptive parents. “In Islam, the persons raising an orphan child are not permitted to give that child the surname of the adoptive father, and the child is not entitled to inherit from them like a blood heir,” says Husain. The adoptive parents, of course, may gift any asset to that child in their lifetime, and leave a share for that child in their will.

“Due to these reasons, there has been a reluctance to draft any laws governing adoption,” says Husain. “In the absence of any laws, adopted children have no legal rights.

Pakistan needs to draft comprehensive laws dealing with adoption and the rights of adoptive parents to make birth certificates and B Forms for their adopted children and to fulfill all other parental duties in respect of those children.”

It’s in the Genes The fear of the unknown genetic and hereditary baggage that comes with a child scares off many people who consider adoption. Samra and her husband had heard many a horrendous story about how tough it can be to handle issues of adopted children “simply because they are from a different gene pool. Because we do not know where they are coming from,” says Samra.

If a biological child makes rash choices in life, it may be just a phase. But if an adopted adolescent indulges in drug usage or promiscuous behaviour, the unknown linage and tendencies are blamed. There is a stigma attached to a shady background with adopted children, partly because we fear the unknown and mostly because of the reasoning that if these children are the ones ‘left behind’ by biological parents, it is assumed that they are illegitimate. It is also then an unsaid assumption that some of the promiscuity of that act has left a genetic residue in the child. Ridiculous as that may sound, many people believe that.

“Once it comes to marriage, adopted children face problems. My adopted daughter, 22, liked a boy, whose family was happy about the prospect of their marriage. But since they have found out that she is adopted, the ‘pata naheen kis ka khoon hai’ dynamic has come into play, and they don’t want their son to marry her anymore,” says Masuma Khan*.

The ‘Looks’ Bazaar It seems that when children are taken up for adoption, good looks are the currency that is deemed most valuable. Children who are plain-looking have a hard time getting accepted into homes — everyone wants a cherubic angel from the calendar posters.

The problem is exacerbated if the child does not look like the adoptive parents or the adoptive parents are ‘fairer’ or deemed ‘better-looking’ compared to the child. “My (adopted) daughter does not look like me or my husband at all. In addition, while she is such an attractive young woman, she is not the typical gori chittee girl, while I am fair. We have had to face a lot of questions due to this over the years,” shares Masuma.

When to Tell “I found out I was adopted when I was 12. It shook my foundation and made me doubt everything I have ever believed in. It was my family’s most well-kept secret, I should say,” says Shehla Ali, 39, with a tinge of bitterness. It was during a heated argument that her father ended up blurting it out, saying, “If you were my blood, you would not have misbehaved so much.” Initially, Shehla had thought it was a joke.

It is important to be honest and tell your child about their adoption at a young age so that they can take it in their stride and understand that it is just another way to make a family and nothing to be embarrassed about. Children who accidentally discover that they are adopted at a later age are more likely to deal with it badly than children who know about their adoption from the outset. However, seeking an expert opinion in this regard is recommended.

My Pride, my Joy Despite the challenges, an adopted child succeeds in filling the emotional void childless couples suffer. “Adopting our baby daughter was one of the best things that we have ever done. She has brought us so much joy and happiness and has won the hearts of the entire family. I don’t even ever remember that she is adopted except when someone asks about her adoption. We feel blessed that God chose us to raise her,” says Samra. *Names have been changed to protect privacy

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Ms

en vogue

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

Pr t Wear Euphoria

A range of designers collaborate to infuse a breath of fresh air in the latest prĂŞt-a-porter collection for Showstopper. The flowy frocks, funky cuts and vivid colour palette lend them a truly artistic appeal.

Photography & styling: Ayaz Anis Model: Abeer Hair & makeup: Furqan at Nina Lotia

Designer: Sarah Najeeb

Designer: Erum Habib

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

Designer: Maliha.S

Designer: Najma Zubair

Designer: Misha Waheed

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Ms

drama mama

Parenting is a love story and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss.

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

If you are a mother, you are at least slightly familiar with the sensation of loss.

At the very beginning, you lost your figure. Then maybe you lost your sleep, your career or your sense of self. If you are like me, you have lost your temper more often than you care to count. But most importantly, by falling in love with a little creature, you have lost your carefree nonchalance towards life and have been given in return, a strange and terrifying vulnerability which you will carry with you all the rest of your days.

A few dreadful days ago, one after another, three dear friends shared the stories of their loss and their pain with me. Over email, over coffee, over the phone, they opened their hearts and gave me a tiny glimpse into the grief contained within: the first, a mother to a one-year-old who died tragically, soon after her first birthday; the second, an expectant mother who had a miscarriage at over twenty weeks; the third, a woman who had been struggling with the demon of infertility for over seven years. Mothers, almost-mothers, not-quite-mothers, all aching under the burden of their destinies.

As I heard from each of my friends, their stories covered generously and bravely with layers of “It’s okay. Whatever God wills. I’m okay,” I wanted to crumble in to them, for them, but instead I had to stand just as they stood because I knew I was privy to something sacred at work in that bravado, whether false or genuine. I had to resort to words, clumsy and stiff, drawing from the same small box of words everyone uses at times. And when we parted, I experienced the helplessness of not having said enough, of not having done enough.

Knowing how to grieve with someone is a skill and a privilege. We mothers talk so much about how to do much less important things well, but so little about how to be there, be here, for other mothers. Do you know the statistics? One in every four pregnancies will result in miscarriage or stillbirth or the loss of a child.

Let that sink in for a minute. This means that odds are very high that in our lifetimes either we will go through this grief ourselves or know someone who will. I know that I need to, we all need to, talk to mothers who have grieved and find out what helps and what hurts so that we can be better at being here. It is a sacred ability. We need to learn as much about what comforts others as possible and even though there is of course, no perfect step-by-step formula to being the ultimate comforter, there are ways to communicate your empathy, to remind them of god’s promises without making them feel like their loss is being diminished.

Growing up requires our learning this.

I’ve heard other people say, “My heart aches for you.” But I think until very recently, I didn’t fully understand what they meant. But when I heard about my friend who lost her one-year-old, I understood. And when I heard about my friend who is reconciling herself to the idea that she may never become a mother, I understood. Sometimes a woman’s agony is so large, it needs other women to carry it. It needs the language of tears, touch, something that says, “You have too much ache. Let me take some. I feel it too. You are not alone.”

We spend a lot of time focussing on our achievements, and those of our children. Who will they become? How can we provide the best possible future for them? Of course, this is part of the task of parenting; to shepherd a child into the world and prepare them to prosper within it. But mothers all over the world will lose their unborn children, and some of us will watch our children die in front of us and some of us would give anything just to have a child to lose.

Parenting is naturally forward-looking. It presumes at its core, a future where the child outlives the parent and ideally becomes successful, perhaps even achieves something spectacular. “Mera beta doctor banay ga!” So, for these women, my friends, all the women ever who have lost children, death is not only about the absence of a beautiful present, losing someone’s voice and touch and presence.

It’s the loss of a future they mourn, what seemed so sure, all those memories that haven’t happened yet snatched away from them.

Once upon a foolish time, I used to get teary looking at Beta and Beti’s baby pictures. Something in those images of fat little legs and innocent toothy grins did a painful, clenching thing to my heart and left me with a choking sense of loss.

The passage of time still gives me pangs, but maybe being too busy dealing with my current challenges, or maybe hearing about my friends’ tragedies or maybe simply growing up, is forcing me to understand a profound truth: Motherhood is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss. Perhaps, all we will lose is chubby thighs and baby teeth and lisping, toddler words. But, perhaps, we will be tested far more greatly. We will be asked to embrace wisdom and gain a profound understanding of the human experience through hard-won lessons, to emerge as sturdier versions of ourselves forged through grief and helplessness, ingrained with the LOSING A CHILD truth of how to be not just good parents but how to be good human beings.

All good times come to an end. But so do all bad times. “This too shall pass” applies universally. Learning how to live with loss and in every four pregnancies will death is also about learning how to live with result in miscarriage love and life. At all times, be here.

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Hiba Masood is a stay-at-home mother to four-year-old Beta and one-year-old Beti.

Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it

CONNECT WITH DRAMA MAMA ONLINE AT WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ETDRAMAMAMA FOR MORE THOUGHTS ON THE CRAZY RIDE OF MOTHERHOOD

domestic goddess 7 7 recipe

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

Madiha Hamid is a digital media professional. She loves the food traditions unique to families.

She is running a food blog for Pakistani and regional cuisines called cheflingtales.com

Chicken with Basil leaves

This is the first dish I made at home. It’s a quick and easy chicken recipewhich can be freshly prepared and served immediately. ‘Gai’ stands for chicken in Thai. In Pakistan Basil leaves are called ‘niaz bo’ and the plant can be easily found in local nurseries.

ingredients

method • Add oil in a wok and heat it.

• Stir fry garlic and chillies till garlic turns light brown.

• Add chicken and stir fry till cooked. Don’t forget to keep tossing it.

• Now add oyster sauce and soya sauce. Mix it and toss well.

• Add the basil leaves and cook till the leaves become soft.

• Yes, your dish is ready!

• Serve it with white rice and lime.

Preparation time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 15 minutes Serves 3 people

Boneless chicken (horizontally and thinly sliced) 500 g Garlic cloves (crushed and sliced thinly) 4 Oyster sauce 3 tbsp Soya sauce 1 tsp Red chillies (sliced thinly for a spicier taste) 4 Basil leaves 30 to 40

written in the stars 8

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, MARCH 24, 2013

Match made in heaven

Ensnare the March 20 — April 19

Aries man – Sagittarius woman

man

Attracted to an Aries man? Ms. T has the inside scoop on how to make the irresistible Aries fall in love with you for life

This is a relationship that comes to life naturally.

Both are fire signs and both have similar mindsets. A woman’ss romantic warmth can heal every Sagittarius woman wound the Aries gets from his strong attitude towards life while the Aries man’s bravery and deep-seated sentiments are likely to gain admiration from her.

DON’T even think about it

d a e h s e i r A Inside the

tly who will instan h tc ca al re a his Aries man is to wander off on culine looks, an e as ac m sp d e an m m so s ar l ch s own y Ram need With his natura d lives life on hi s. However, ever an ie as ng di nt fa an m of de ld or answer. impatient, slip into your w take no for an an. He is bossy, t m no es ill ri w A e he , th ne es mantic bo to the next own and so do to tickle his ro ion and hop on ed at ag tu fa an in m s hi ve ha er ce, t ov terms. If you and independen eans he will ge m m e do iv ee dr fr e r iv fo ls impu are ng a hunger But beware! His sty and security it. Despite havi ne ow ho , kn st u en tr ev : u te re yo y the opposi want to adventure befo nge but if you ner is completel le rt al pa ch a a in s r ve fo lo g in analytical and what he is look tionship. He is la re le. a in m hi brace his lifesty em to y paramount to ad re t ge r the long haul, stick around fo

Celebrity Aries These celebrities are proof that Aries men are some of the hottest men around.

Aries man — Cancer woman A Cancer woman is an epitome of calmness and sensitivity unlike the Aries man. He is not interested in her feelings and the Cancer woman may feel that he is very self-absorbed.

On the other hand, he prefers instant physical intimacy and may not have the patience to wait for this cool maiden.

How to put a leash on your Ram 1. How long he stays is really up to you. Be intelligent, mysterious and let him explore your layers. The sooner he finishes the task at hand, the faster he will walk all over you.

2. Be confident, independent and make sure you have a life of your own. An Aries man likes a girl with some brains and her own set of interests.

Don’t get his goat 1. Have a large group of male friends? That’s not likely to go down well with the Ram who is prone to jealousy. Such friendships are only likely to wake up the beast inside him.

2. Are you clingy? Enjoy a great deal of pampering? Aries is not your guy! The Aries man is unable to understand the finer points of a relationship so don’t expect this one to nurture your feelings.