The Express Tribune hi five - November 11

Ms NOVEMBER 11, 2012 ISSUE NO. 21

Tressed to kill

Fall’s hottest hair cuts and colours

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It’s not you — it’s me

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The things men say when they want to end it

inside in his head Jumpsuit or no jumpsuit?

drama mama Are you happy with your husband’s parenting style?

hottie of the week The boy next door

Things women are judged on

Section In Charge: Batool Zehra Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk

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the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

All the excuses we w we hadn’t heard My parents will disown me. We aren’t from the same caste/ sect/biradari. You’re too good for me. I’m too young to settle down. I have to marry someone from my family .... These are just a few things men say when they want to leave you high and dry. Here’s why they refuse to stick to the truth.

“I havent heard your voice in ten days. Where are you?” she squeaks, struggling to control the hysteria she’s felt in the last few days, aware that she sounds like a petulant child about to throw a tantrum. She swallows the lump in her throat — the one that refuses to go away — as she hears him breathe through the phone.

“I don’t know how to tell you this ... but I just found out something,” he says with the flourish of an actor.

A pregnant pause. She doesn’t ask — she already knows what’s coming her way. She can literally feel it in her bones.

“It’s tuberculousis ... I have tuberculosis,” he says, almost trying to make himself believe what he has just said.

An excuse, a horribly heartless one at that. Made intentionally horrible in order for her to hate him more — and possibly move on.

“But tuberculosis isn’t fatal. It’s like totally curable, you know that!”her voice comes out shriller than she expected.

Even at 19, she fully realises the extent and stupidity of his crap. She wants to call him on it; she wants to rage.

Instead she cries: she should’ve known, she should’ve seen it coming, she should’ve expected this mess. She cries because that’s all she can do.

She shouldn’t have asked him to commit. ************** That’s not my story but it might as well be because, like other girls, I too was handed these excuses — usually after a long-winded courtship filled with promises of marriage. For most Pakistani girls, the end of a relationship can be particularly devastating because these relationships are mostly considered illicit and almost always kept secret from family. So when they break down, you have no one to run to and take cover. Worse, the years spent in such relationships waste a girl’s good rishta years — that small time frame in which women are considered marriage-worthy by society and get good proposals — and, of course, her childbearing years.

But the purpose of this article is not to whine about how bad it feels and how it destroys your self-esteem. It is to understand why men prolong these relationships and keep the girl hanging by a thread of hope. It is to figure out what’s really going on in their confused, sometimes emotionless, heads.

So I go searching for my experimental specimen (single men) at — where else? — a coffee shop. I approach with some trepidation two good-looking guys watching a match, almost afraid they’ll run away like cockroaches when I present my thesis question. It’s not an easy one. Most Pakistani guys and girls hate admitting that they’ve actually dated. And who really wants to share the details of their relationships with the world?

I put my cards on the table and promise complete anoymity, they smile back as if they’ve seen my type — the angry feminist writer who badly wants to save women.

One of the guys — i notice his striking blue eyes — puts down his sandwich when I ask why men get into relationships and break them off.

“Most of us think short term. If it’s fun right now and gets me through the day, why not date her?” he says easily. “But most women start planning too early. Before I’ve even popped the question, they’ve decided on the honeymoon location and named our babies. So when your expectations aren’t met, resentment builds on both sides. And a push and pull war begins: the more she pushes, the more you pull away,” he continues.

When asked if that was the fate of his last relationship, he looks disconcerted, “Yes, but I really loved her. I was in it a 100 per cent but she was 120 per cent, and that freaked me out.”

The darker guy with brooding looks steps to his friend’s defence. “Women like to believe that we get into relationships just for the thrill. I’ll tell you a large part of it is just that — but we’re also looking for intimacy and love. How much love versus how much thrill depends on our age and how mature we are about settling down.”

So I asked him how his last relationship ended. He looks at me disdain-

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

wish d

4 things Pakistani women judge each other on

by Saba Khalid

Like it or not, passing judgement on other women comes very naturally to all of us. And while we may hate to be judged ourselves, here are some things we love judging other women on:

Natural birth or C-section When it comes to giving birth, no one really cares if you kept a living log inside your stomach for nine months. What really matters is how you gave birth. And when you are wheeled out from the operation theatre and confronted by a million aunties, the first thing that they ask is: “Was it natural, beta?” If you dare answer, “C-section”, you are not a warrior like them! Not strong or womanly enough. Don’t try to explain that there were complications or there was NO WAY a natural birth could take place, hush, shut up, no, uh uh, the judgement has been passed and no one will take it back. fully — like a fly sitting on his expensive coffee. “I got bored. She was pressurising me everyday. I wasn’t ready for marriage. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for her. If I had been ready for her, I would’ve gotten ready for marriage.”

I try not to wince each time I hear an excuse. He continues, “I told her that my parents wanted me to marry within the family — which is only partly true. My family is pretty cool, they do want me to marry within the family but if they knew I loved somebody they’d back off and let me do as I please.”

I asked if there was any guilt. Perhaps some remorse over breaking someone’s heart? Blueeyed guy has a faraway look — either he’s watching the match or has remembered some emotions tucked away somewhere. “I do feel guilty. But guilt is easier to deal with. Change your friends, stop visiting places where you might run into her or throw yourself into work — pretty soon, you’ll be over it.”

I wish it was that simple for women.

As another man walks in with his laptop, I say my goodbyes to the two guys and stride towards my new guinea pig. He tells me that the ‘excuse’ is the last resort. “When I’m not serious about a girl, I’m constantly giving her very obvious and intentional signs.

Now it’s her prerogative to back off. If she still plays along, I take it that she’s not serious either. Or either very naive. She expects me to change but if I wanted to change for her, I would’ve done that already.”

I ask him why men won’t just come out and tell the truth. “Because I don’t want to come across as insensitive. And women can’t handle the truth — the truth always hurts more. And then there’s so much crying. That’s the hardest to handle.”

So what should a girl look out for? The one sign that tells her that it’s going to end soon, that heartbreak is just around the corner. “Waning interest. If a guy constantly blows hot and cold, it means he just fits you in his attention span when he’s got time,” says one guy.

Another says, “If he becomes overly secretive, if he constantly keeps a part of his life hidden, he’s possibly sharing that part with someone else. Take notice of small things: if he keeps his phone with him all the time, even takes it to the loo with him — he’s got some texts to hide.” While girls waste so much time thinking over and rationalising what guys say – in the end it just boils down to one thing, excuse or no excuse, ‘’they just werent that into us”. So maybe we should try and not get to the point that we’re even fed the excuse.

We should be the ones to walk away well before that happens.

Breast feeding Another aunty favourite question is, “Beta, has he latched?” You’ll confuse latching with hatching and say with a smile, “Jee aunty, the baby hatched a few weeks back.” She’ll say, “Arey naheen, naheen, I mean, are you ‘braast’-feeding?” For a minute, you’ll be stunned at the intrusiveness of the question: how can she can ask you about that over tea and biscuits? And if your answer happens to be, “No, I’m not ‘braast’-feeding”, the judgment will come swift and severe.

Working or not working No matter which boat you’re in, there’s always going to be someone who passes severe judgment on you. Tell a gharelo aunty that you earn as much as your husband does and she’ll say, “Beta, jo bhee ho, larki ki asal zimmedari ghar mein hoti hay.” You take a break and tell your friend who spends every waking hour serving the multinational she works for and she’ll say, “You’re wasting the best years of your career taking care of a husband who may leave you and a child who will grow up and forget about you. I can’t believe you’re not making use of the expensive education and talents you have.

Get a job girlfriend!” Awkward silence.

But wasn’t the whole point of feminism to give women choices?

The choice to work as well as the choice to not work?

Dressing up or dressing down If you love fashion and enjoy dressing up for work, lunches and parties, brace for a lot of judgement by women who think simplicity is key. “Who on earth is she dressing up for?” or “She’s so insecure, she can’t come in without five layers of make-up!” And if you happen to be one of those girls who look fantabulous in your pajamas and don’t need any rituals to look good, we’re judging you too: “Who does she think she is to walk in just like that?”

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en vogue

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

Hair today

Style doyenne Nabila shares this season’s hottest hair trends and dye shades. From blunt cuts and multicoloured layers for the risk takers to chic hair accessories for those who like to play it safe — this fall Nabila’s look book has something for every woman out there.

Layered hair is back with a sweep fringe and bayalage colour (leaving hair roots much darker than the ends).

Fashion forward celebri es and stylists are roo ng for long hair this season. Rich colour on beau ful shining tresses is as sexy as effortless.

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

This season is all about sharp lines. We recommend a manageable mid-length which is can be put up in a bun or a ponytail when the occasion calls for it.

Simple long hair can be reinvented this season by introducing the latest colours, mostly shaded dark to light — a technique also known as ombre effect or balayage — to make your hair look swanky.

Hair and Makeup: Nabila N-Pro Styling: Nabila Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Photography: Abid Saleem Model: Fayezah Ansari, Rabia Butt and Saima Azhar

For the upcoming party season, beau fully coloured hair can be put up in a casual manner or accessorised with hair pieces to look formal.

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vs in his head

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

Guys

The Guru How does the verdict of fashion experts tally up against the opinion of regular guys?

meet the boys

Essa Malik 28, is a graphic designer and photographer who likes all things beautiful. He is currently single.

Jahanzaib Haque 30, is a news-obsessed social media junkie who has spent an inordinate amount of his life checking out women, mostly on Facebook. He is currently married.

Alizeh Waqar: I really like the coat-like feel of the dress. The clean cut and the modern aesthetic makes it very easy on the eyes. The colour of the shoes blends in with the stockings/tights, a different choice of colour would have added some much-needed contrast.

Faryal Aftab: If the muse for your look is a child’s toy then you are bound to look like one.

Raggedy Ann doll anyone? Polka dot overdose is all I can say. A bigger plain belt might have saved the look but right now it’s a complete fashion faux pas.

Maheen Kardar: I like this look. It strikes the perfect balance between simple shirt and heavy embroidery. The hair and makeup also complement the look.

Alizeh Waqar: Dig the hair, love the makeup, am a fan of those large hoop earrings and quite like the shoes. I even like the shiny gold fabric, but unfortunately, something is not working here when it comes to the kameez (or is it a dress, or a sherwani?). Due to the kaam or the fall of the fabric in the front, it looks like Alizeh has put on a bullet-proof vest under that admittedly rich suit of armor. It doesn’t sit well on her slender figure in my opinion and the collar is just odd. Verdict: with a tinge of regret, pass.

Faryal Aftab: Jumpsuits. No man worth his salt will ever like a woman in a jumpsuit.

Please don’t make this the trend of the season! Please!!! I love the curly hair though.

Verdict: pass.

Maheen Kardar: Ouch. So much time wasted on such awful pants. They look like a classic case of ‘not sure where I’m going with this so I’ll keep adding stuff till it makes sense’. I’m going to plead the fifth on the rest of this outfit.

Verdict: definite pass.

Alizeh Waqar: This looks like a soldier’s uniform. Well, okay not a soldier but definitely a marching band uniform.

Shaheryar Popalzai 28, is a journalist by day and pseudo-punk by night. He is engaged.

Faryal Aftab: No. Just, no. Who said this looked good? That jumpsuit looks like it was picked up from the local circus clown’s rack. Horrible.

Maheen Kardar: That looks like a dude’s kameez. The bottoms are just okay. And those accessories ... why?

Alizeh Waqar

Faryal Aftab

Alizeh Waqar — Alizeh gives my nerves some peace. Black and gold is infallible and she adds just the right amount of red to pull the looks together. If only the tailor hadn’t bailed on her at the last minute, the jacket would have been cropped and fitted as it is meant to be and would not have looked like her brother’s sherwani.

Maheen Kardar The Guru

Faryal Aftab — Ok kids, don’t look. There must’ve been a mix up on the organisers part, because it’s definitely not Halloween. Wait. Maybe she stole Bozo the happy clown’s clothes! That would explain the shape of her ..umm.. sack? Gift wrapper? Jumpsuit? Ah, jumpsuit. Well, I hate to admit it, Ms.Faryal Aftab, but the belt clinching at your waist does not absolve you of scaring the kids. And we know that the polka dots combined with your hair colour, is a deliberate attempt at causing migraines.

Maheen Kardar — Maheen understands the yin yang of the fashion universe.

The balance is intact with Ms. Kardar wearing ethnic chic exactly the way it’s meant to be worn — the perfect blend of heavy and light. The basic purple of her kameez balances everything else. The hair and makeup is casual enough to put the chic in ethnic, which is not easy since most people trying ethnic chic end up looking like they just milked a cow. This one doesn’t. In fact, the pants are so gorgeous, I would sell my cattle fleet if I had one for them.

Amna Iqbal has been in and out of fashion therapy.

A recent near-death overdose of Louboutins combined with Sunday market chic, sent her to the FCFMPD (Fashion Correctional Facility for the Mentally ill and Potentially Dangerous).

She has escaped, however, and is currently a fashion fugitive. If you find her, please don’t write to us, just save yourself.

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

The Unreasonable Husband

We parent differently and I’m sure he is wrong.

by Hiba Masood is a stay-athome mother to four-year-old Beta and one-year-old Beti. Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it.

CONNECT WITH DRAMA MAMA ONLINE AT WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ ETDRAMAMAMA FOR MORE THOUGHTS ON THE CRAZY RIDE OF MOTHERHOOD

My husband is a kind, honest, hardworking, spiritual man and every day he works to become a better human being. But sometimes, the way he parents my (ahem, our) children makes me want to break something.

(Before we continue, I will acknowledge that, given the motivation, Hums could make a long list of unacceptable things I say and do every day, but it appears that he has better things to do with his time.)

Here is the current issue: My husband is unreasonable, and I am not.

I completely agree with him that as two intelligent individuals dedicated to raising these kids of ours, it is only right and respectful that each does not interfere in the other’s parenting, even though what he’s doing is wrong, whereas my way is almost always right. Do note that I changed that last sentence from “always always” to “almost always.” I recognise that I’m not perfect.

But, since I spend every waking minute of their lives (and too many of their sleeping ones) with the kids, it should be clear that the parenting buck would automatically stop at my desk. This is why, sometimes, despite my signing on to the non-interference theory, I have to take charge. For instance, just a few days ago, we were out doing some errands and I caught Hums carrying Beta around ... when our son, the four-year-old, is perfectly capable of walking by himself! So I say to my husband gently, “Put him down! Why do you always do that?! Sheeeeesh!”

We bickered half-heartedly about it for a few minutes and then decided to do something less boring. Do you ever have one of those fights with your spouse where you know you aren’t actually mad but you just sort of argue in a ritualised way in order to pass the time or get some excess energy out or because you’re kind of hungry?

Someone should categorise them all — the little flash in the pan, the boredom battle, the blood sugar tussle, the competitive ‘who’s tired-er?’. Maybe you have to be married a certain period of time to understand the nuances of this better. Please don’t judge me.

Anyways, the thing is, I can leave Hums alone when it comes to him mishandling the little stuff, but for the big issues, like, you know, walking, I have no choice, as a responsible

mom, but to step in. If I don’t, our son will sit on the floor of his university and shout for his friends: “Guys!! Carry me to claaaaass!”

He will never have a healthy adult relationship like his dad wherein he can walk around a mall fuming at his wife for disagreeing with his parenting style. Because of my intervention, someday he will stride confidently about, walking hither and yon, never faltering in his step because he knows — he knows in his very soul — that he can walk and walk and can walk till such time as he chooses to stop walking. That’s the kind of self-assurance my husband is undermining, folks.

However, it seems of late, Hums is taking issue with my comments regarding his parenting and since I am a generally reasonable wife, I ’ m trying to hold my peace while he is messing up our kids’ lives. But then! I notice that he is also barging into a situation where he best should stay silent. For instance, the other day, I was lovingly reprimanding Beta and Beti for being monsters. This was simply an extension of a longrunning discussion between the kids and I about maintaining a calm and quiet demeanour when the situation warrants it. It was not because I hadn’t had breakfast yet and Beta was yelling “MUMMAMUMMAMUMMA!” while running circles around me and Beti was howling and yanking at different articles of my clothing. I was not “shrieking” as Hums might suggest to you. I was simply explaining that the morning, or even life itself, would be better if the children would go mute and cease any and all movement. Telling me to “calm down” was uncalled-for. Patting me on the back was hugely patronising, and suggesting that I “perhaps, eat something” was really too much. And let’s be honest here, the kids are hardly going to be damaged by a little yelling. What will be scarring though is seeing their mother’s authority undermined.

I tell you, it’s not easy being a hypocrite. But someone’s got to do it.

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 11, 2012

hottie of the week 8 Status Married to Sara Bhatti Born London, England Birthday 13 July

Face

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Who is he?

He might’ve started off his career by appearing in a cheesy Abrarul Haq video (“Sano Tere Naal Pyar Ho Gaya” anyone?), but soon enough, Mikaal Zulfkar was walking the ramp for top designers, appearing in dramas, starring in hilarious Ufone advertisements and dating the Pakistani Kareena Kapoor — Zara Sheikh.

By 2008, the model-cum-actor had also scored himself a spot in the Bollywood film Shoot on Sight alongside veteran actors Om Puri and Naseeruddin Shah.

Talent

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Why we’re crushing on him He’s not tall, dark or chiselled, but he manages to make it all work somehow. He is a meringue mix of east and west with his mother bringing in the English genes, but Mikaal says he is more eastern than western. His sleek, clean-shaven look is a breath of fresh air in a time when men choose to look like they were raised by a pack of wolves. If we were ever to make a James Bond cheat, he would be our lead for sure. His crisp demeanour and naughty yet innocent looks are so undercover spy-like that we are more than tempted to sit on his chair’s arm and be his ‘mona darling’. We can’t help but fall for those dreamy eyes, his unassuming manner and his boy-next-door look! Sigh, if only he lived next door!

Body

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What you might not know He’s already signed up for two more Indian films.

His animated expressions and comic timing in Ufone ads have a cult following. His versatility as an actor makes us want to believe that he has uncountable sides to his personality which just makes the whole package even more intriguing. Since everything good is either married, fattening or illegal, this scrumptious thing is also taken. His wife’s middle name is Isis — the name of an Egyptian goddess who was worshipped as the ideal mother and wife. So if you want to compete with her for his attention you better be a reincarnation of Aphrodite. We will give you a moment!

Total Package

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Mikaal Zulfiqar