The Express Tribune hi five - November 2

Ms NOVEMBER 2, 2014

ISSUE NO. 124

All That Glitters

4

page

Coping with an Empty Nest page

2

inside lifestyle —

Big Boys Don’t Cry

domestic goddess —

Chicken Munchurian

Section In-Charge: Sarah Munir Sub-Editors: Amna Hashmi Nisma Chauhan Feedback: women@tribune.com.pk

8

page

The Catwalk Diva Hira Tareen

2

Ms

the buzz

How to avoid becoming an empty nester when your child flies the coop When 52-year-old Neelofar Qasim* dropped off her youngest daughter Aliza to college, she never expected to be reduced to tears. “My first and second born were educated abroad too but somehow, that didn’t quite prepare me for Aliza’s departure.” On the eve of Aliza’s orientation ceremony, Neelofar found herself sobbing in a corner outside the reception hall. “At that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that my little baby girl would be 13,000 miles away from me,” she says. “Of course, Aliza was extremely embarrassed by my behaviour but I couldn’t stop! The thought of her living in a new country with new people made me nauseous!”

And now — nearly a year after Aliza began college — Neelofar is only slightly better. “While I was with Aliza, I assumed things would feel better once I returned to Pakistan but I was wrong,” says Neelofar. “Worrying about your child and missing them never leaves you. My heart is still in America, where Aliza will be for the next three years at least.”

Much like Neelofar, 40-year-old Zainab Kazmi* already shudders at the possibility that her daughter Zuha might be moving away for college next year. “I have always been a very private person and ever since my husband passed away, my children have been my life,” shares Zainab. “My older daughter Zara got married two years ago, leaving me all alone with Zuha. Now Zuha has completed her AS-Level and wants to apply to foreign universities.

She’s a gifted student so I try as I might, I would never stop her from leaving.”

Unfortunately, Neelofar and Zainab are amongst millions of parents across the world who face what once seemed inconceivable to them — their child flying the coop and leaving them alone in a big, empty house. “After spending 18 or 19 years of one’s life catering to a child and that child suddenly leaving creates a void, not just in your house but your heart,” says Neelofar. This feeling of sadness, ennui and lack of structure which stems from a child’s coming of age and leaving home is known as the empty nest syndrome.

Parents in such situations often experience an inner conundrum wherein they are happy about their children’s improved career op-

“

After spending 18 or 19 years of one’s life catering to a child and that child suddenly leaving creates a void, not just in your house but your heart Homemaker Neelofar Qasim

portunities but also slightly resentful because of having to live without them. Typically, women are more likely to be affected than men as many of them are undergoing other significant life events while they are coping with other major changes, such as menopause.

While this apprehension felt by both Neelofar and Zainab can be attributed to separation anxiety and maternal love, it is obvious that there is a certain degree of fear attached to it as well. “I must say I am not fearful something might happen to Aliza but to me,” shares Neelofar. “There is a strange dread in my heart all the time.

I fear being home alone but want to come back when I am out. All

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

by Saif Asif Khan I really want to do is Skype with my daughter. Even my husband is of no help!”

Of course, it isn’t just parents whose children leave for college suffer from depression when their teenagers leave home. Another classic manifestation of the empty nest syndrome occurs when a son or daughter gets married and their focus shifts from parents to spouses inevitably. 52-year-old Sadia Mumtaz* has been feeling down ever since her son Jamil got married and moved out last month to live independently with his wife. “My husband still has a couple of more years of employment so I am home alone most of the time,” says Sadia. “The pain of not having Jamil around is excruciating, especially since we parted on bad terms.” Although it hasn’t been too long since Jamil left, Sadia has already resorted to anti-depressants to curb her temperament. “As my husband has to travel frequently, it used to be Jamil and me in the house,” shares Sadia. “We ate and watched TV together. My life feels so purposeless now that he’s gone. Before, it revolved around him completely.” This form of empty nest withdrawals is exacerbated in situations wherein the parents are dependent on the child financially or when the parents have entered old-age and are unable

Want to keep yourself busy and take your mind off warrying thoughts? Curl up in bed with these books written specifically for empty nesters like you. We promise you won’t regret it!

• The Empty Nesters by Nina Bell: This coming-of-age novel narrates the life stories of Clover Jones and Laura Dangerfield who have been best friends ever since they were born. After their children leave home for college, Clover and Laura find themselves on a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment.

• The Empty Nest Chronicles: How to Have Fun (And Stop Annoying Your Spouse) After the Kids Move Out by Jerry Zezima: In this hilarious and heart-warming read, Jerry Zezima guides you through the process of your child’s departure and makes you recall your life was before you became a parent. The book is highly relatable and encourages you to ask yourself ‘Am I having fun yet?’

• The Empty Nest by Fiona Palmer: A beautiful short story about maternal love and importance of family, this book is likely to make you tear up! Take inspiration from Sandi, the protagonist of the story, and how she redefines her purposeless after her children are sent to boarding school.

3

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

Help your parents deal with your depart ure Here are some easy ways for children to help their parents through empty nest syndrome.

Online communication platforms like Skype, Viber and WhatsApp make way for bonds that would otherwise be impossible to develop, such as when a child starts a family in another city

• Let them know you still need them: You may feel like a grown up and responsible enough to look after yourself but for your parents, you will always remain a baby and they will never stop worrying about you.

Therefore, keep your parents involved in your personal life and seek their advice before making major decisions to make them feel they are still just as important to you as before.

• Don’t forget about them: When you are living alone, there are a thousand things you must take care of, from your own cooking and laundry to studying, etc. In this hustle-bustle, you may forget to call your parents which might seem like no big deal to you but can depress a lonely parent further. Therefore, it is important for children to call their parents at least once or twice a week. If you can’t call frequently, a quick text message or email will also suffice, so long as you don’t make your parents feel forgotten.

• Visit them on special occasions: Some occasions like Eid and anniversaries are meant to be spent with family. Try and plan you visits around important festivals so that your parents can share the happiness and enjoyment for you!

• Tell them you love them: Don’t hesitate to let your parents know that you miss and love them. They will need the reassurance from time to time.

• Don’t be embarrassed by their actions: Remember that parents are people too. They might call you unnecessarily or take up strange activities in your absence but you must be patient with them and encourage them to go on, so long as they keep themselves busy.

to fend for themselves, financially or otherwise. Not to mention, being left alone at a time when you are physically and emotionally incapable of looking after yourself will only make things worse.

The empty nest syndrome isn’t just a problem for the elderly or those nearing the late stages of their lives.

Many young parents go through a mild form of it during their lives, such as when their toddler starts school.

“You can’t imagine how bad Zaviar’s first day at school was — not for him, but for me! I cried when I had to leave him there,” says 24-year-old mother Zahabiya Karim* of her son’s first complete school day. “I felt bad that he didn’t even ask me to stop once and I felt worse when his teacher informed me he had made many friends and enjoyed his day. It made me realise how quickly children grow up!”

Zahabiya’s reaction is not unusual as many parents experience separation anxiety when their child has been away for a few hours. As time passes and the child grows older, the anxiety also increases and manifests itself in the form of well-intentioned attempts to control the child. Unfortunately, excessive telephone calls and worrying tends to take a toll on the relationship between the parent and the child. Such is the case of 16-year-old Sidra Farooque* who feels her mother is too paranoid. “I get that it isn’t safe for girls to be out late and all that. I also understand that mummy is very attached to me as I was conceived after seven years of trying,” says Sidra.

“But she gets upset every time I am out with my friends!

Last time I went to the beach, she called me six times and when my signals died, she began calling my friends and their parents! It was so embarrassing!”

Although it drives Sidra crazy, the frequent calling may simply be her mother’s mantra to keep from paranoia.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that this may be the most practical way for parents suffering from empty nest syndrome to alleviate their stress, albeit for a short time.

In today’s world where the internet and communication technology has rendered geographic distance virtually immaterial, many parents try talking to their children as much as possible. Online communication platforms like Skype, Viber and WhatsApp also make way for bonds that would otherwise be impossible to develop, such as when a child starts a family in another city.

Another great method of keeping separation anxiety at bay would be to acquire a job or indulge in social work — anything that keeps you busy and gives a sense of purpose.

“When I first moved to London, my mother, Nayab* would be alone at home after my dad went to work,” says 27-yearold Saad Qayyum*. “The highlight of her day was videochatting with me and my baby.” Sadly, things soon took a turn for the worse as Nayab began skipping meals and developing random aches every time Saad missed a daily chat. “She was becoming unhealthy so I asked her to visit local charity institutions and help out there. Working with the children there really made a difference!”

As with any other psychological issue, it is advisable to seek professional assistance before turning to selfmedication. Unfortunately, visiting a psychologist in Pakistan is considered to be something for the mentally unstable which prevents many empty nesters from getting the support they need. Instead of developing a potentially lethal addiction to anti-depressants or sleeping aids, it is better to consult a mental health specialist who can understand the predicament and recommend the best course of action. *Names have been changed to protect privacy.

4

Ms

en vogue

Ayesha Somaya’s new collection beautifully combines intricate designs and soothing colours.

Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Hair & Makeup: N-Pro by Nabila Designer: Ayesha Somaya Photography: Umair bin Nisar Model: Abeer Rizvi

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

5

Yousf Patel’s showcases his latest ensembles for semi-formal events.

Coordination: Atika Majid Hair & Makeup: Angie Marshall Label: Strawberry by Yousf Patel Photography: Khawer Jadoon Model: Abeer Rizvi

6

Ms

lifestyle

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

Are we giving our children the right message?

The very concept of crying denotes vulnerability. Teary eyes, a puffy face and red nose are considered signs of weakness in the human makeup — a cause of alarm. When we see someone crying in public, we turn away, unsure of how to deal with this social faux pas.

This situation becomes even worse when the person crying is a male. While a woman’s tears are acceptable, the sight of a man crying is generally considered worthy of censure, insults and underhanded teasing. Unfortunately, this social bias is not restricted by geographical boundaries, race or religion.

People everywhere react similarly to the tears of a man who, according to the common status quo, must fulfill his role as protector and therefore, never cry. Even though science repeatedly insists that crying is natural, our innate cultural teachings still reinforce that the strongest of men are those who don’t cry. In fact, this notion of the macho alpha male is embedded so deeply that holding back tears has become an integral part of the masculine identity, except in times of extreme happiness or grief, such as the birth of a child or death of a loved one. Statements like “Big boys don’t cry” and “Crying is for the weak” are part of everyday jargon in a male child’s upbringing.

But the worst accusation — with by far, the most severe implications — is the rhetorical question “Are you a girl? Don’t cry!” Weakness in feminine attributes and using them as a form of insult to the male gender is no newage thinking. Anytime a man is seen behaving in a way generally ascribed to women, it is strenuously rejected and crying is no exception.

Basic biology, however, offers a different viewpoint. Research has proved there are numerous benefits of crying for both men and women and therefore, it should be encouraged. Suppressed emotions can adversely affect the underlying biochemistry of the human body. As time passes, these repressed feelings manifest themselves in different ways, such as high blood pressure and heart diseases and even mental aggression and instability. According to the American Psychological Association (APA) and journals like the Psychology of Men and Masculinity, crying directly affects a male’s self-esteem as well.

Deepak Perwani (Designer) Parents and society put their child down from a very early age, by suppressing them. When a child comes crying and says that a teacher beat him, parents should take action instead of asking him to stop. This creates a psychological imbalance and when these children grow up they end up doing the same. Any kind of violence is not acceptable. The problem lies in the silence, the silence of the victim or people around. Malala is a good example of standing up and breaking the silence.

Despite this, men are dissuaded from crying. Dr Zaemma Ahmer, professorof community health sciences at Liaquat College of Medicine and Dentistry offers statistics from the APA to highlight the gender differences when it comes to crying. “Women, on average, cry five to six times a month where as men are prone to only 0-1 bouts of crying,” she says. “This could be due the presence of testosterone in the male body which inhibits crying. Prolactin, found in women actually stimulates it.”

Nonetheless, Dr Zaemma believes it should be permissible for men to vent out their feelings, regardless of whether they are good or bad. “At the school where I teach, comments like “Why are you crying? Are you a girl?” (Array, rau kyun raha hai? Larki hai kiya?) are heard quite often,” she says. Not only does it show disregard for women, it discourages boys from crying further.

Marya Rahat, a kindergarten teacher at the Beaconhouse School System believes that society should promote healthy discussion about feelings and be more tolerant of sentimental males. Citing an old image of a refugee from Bosnia bawling behind a net of barbed wires, she says that “Suppressing emotions can eventually trigger a loss of emotional control.” She also suggests that as men are considered more capable of handling emotions, we try to make our young boys into strong men and prepare them for any problems that might come their way. As our boys begin to build their own

Fahad Mirza (Actor)

by Anum Shaharyar Snippets from #BoysDontCry

Usually, people who are too selfinvolved find it hard to cry. They don’t understand other’s feelings and might have none of their own. But crying and expressing is healthy and should be encouraged from a young age. The problem lies with men. Parents — especially mothers — should teach their sons to not only respect women but their own feelings too.

identities of grown men, the toughest lesson they have to learn is toughness itself. They aren’t allowed to show fragility, fear and above all, shed a single tear just because they are boys.

Rehabilitation psychologist Sarah Taher explains that there is a general expectation for men to actively hide their emotions which society justifies using biological and social differences between males and females. “Granted that men and women are very different but how does that render it unacceptable for a man to express himself,” questions Sarah. “Does this mean they aren’t allowed to have any emotions? Our feelings are, after all, a validation of our inner world.”

Fortunately, things are starting to turn around with a new wave of postfeminist videos, articles and social media which encourage discussion on gender disparity and how it ought to be eradicated. In the west, British actor Emma Watson recently launched the #HeForShe campaign to counter gender inequality, following a speech at the United Nations on the same topic.

Closer to home, Vogue India has established the #VogueEmpower movement for women in India. In fact, there most recent project, a video titled “#BoysDontCry” has been gaining popularity the world over. Directed by Vinil Mathew, the short film depicts the story of a boy who is admonished against crying throughout his life. The lack of an emotional outlet develops internal frustrations which ultimately culminate in him abusing his wife physically.

The last scene of the video features a powerful message from Bollywood actor Madhuri Dixit who suggests that “Instead of telling boys not to cry like girls, we should tell them not to make girls cry.”

Campaigns like #VogueEmpower are imperative to introduce active gender discourse to the wider audience, particularly in places like the sub continent where literacy rates are low and the alpha male dominates society.

Discouraging men from showing their emotion can not only unsettle them psychologically but also give them a fake sense of power which breeds more violence like that shown in the video. There have also been documented cases “The notion that crying is feminine and a sign of weakness stems from traditional gender stereotypes,” says Sarah. There is ample discussion over how female behaviour is policed by social attitudes but seldom do we observe that the emotional behaviour of the male is policed in the same way. But it is now time to challenge these attitudes, via effective discussions and spreading awareness. We must ask ourselves why men must be shamed if they cry and whether or not we are willing to pay the price if they do not.

Azfar Rehman (Actor) Men and women are equally responsible. We should play our part effectively and put an end to this deep rooted, grave issue. It’s high time we smash the illusion of living in utopia, end gender discrimination, eradicate problems and evolve as a society — together!

SOURCE: VOGUE.IN/EMPOWER

domestic goddess 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, NOVEMBER 2, 2014

By Huba Akbar

ingredients For the marinade: • Boneless chicken cubes 1/4 kg • Black pepper powder 1/4 tsp • Egg whites 1

• Red chilli flakes 1 and 1/2 tsp • Soya sauce ½ tsp • Cornflour 2 - 3 tbsp • Mustard paste 1/2 tsp • Paprika powder 1 tsp

• Salt to taste

For the curry: • Boneless chicken cubes 1/4 kg

• Chicken stock or water 1/2 cup

• Spring onion leaves 6 - 7

• Brown sugar 1/2 tsp

• Garlic (chopped) 1/2 tbsp

• Capsicum 2

• Ginger (chopped) 1/2 tbsp

• Tomato ketchup 2 tbsp

• Soya sauce 2 tbsp

• Red chilli powder 1/2 tsp

• Chilli sauce 1 tbsp

• Green chillies 3

• Vinegar 2 tsp

• Sesame oil 1 and 1/2 tbsp

• Cornflour 1 tbsp

• Salt to taste

• Mix all the ingredients for the marinade and apply it to the chicken cubes.

• Fry the marinated chicken until it becomes golden-brown in colour. Drain the chicken with a slotted sspoon and place it on an absorbent paper for a little while.

• In a separate frying pan, add oil and garlic and fry it on a high flame for about 30 seconds.

Add the ginger and green chillies to the pan and fry for a few seconds.

• A Add the spring onions and capsicums and fry for three minutes.

• A • Pour in the soya sauce, tomato ketchup, chilli sauce and vinegar, followed by brown sugar.

• Mix all the ingredients well and cook for about two minutes.

Add ¼ cup of chicken stock or water into the mixture and cook for one minute.

• A • Pour in the sesame oil.

Add the cooked chicken and cook it for at least five minutes.

• A Adjust salt if necessary.

• A • Mix cornflour with water and add it to the curry to thicken the paste. Your Manchurian is now ready!

• Did you know that the type of rice you choose can affect how your dish turns out? Many cooks around the world prefer long-grain rice when cooking Chinese food as it is much more fragrant than short-grain rice and also looks better. Long-grain rice takes slightly more time to cook but you are free from the risk of your rice being too sticky at the end. In fact, according to some chefs, cooking Chinese rice a day prior to when it has to be served enhances its flavour.

• Making a meat-and-veggie stir fry? No worries! Just remember to fry the meat first and put it aside before cooking the vegetables. This will make the meat tender and add more flavour to the vegetables. It is important to know the exact frying time needed by each of the vegetables you are using. Leafy vegetables cook the fastest so it is advisable to add them last. Solid vegetables like carrots, cabbage and broccoli should be cooked first.

• An easy way to gauge the temperature of oil in your wok is to stick a chopstick into it. If the oil sizzles, it is hot enough for you to toss the ingredients in.

• Soya sauce — a key ingredient in most Chinese dishes — should be added by the cook and not the diners. By nature, Chinese food is already fairly salty and pouring soya sauce can distort the flavours further. Try to avoid adding the sauce separately unless it is used as a dip for bread or dumplings.

If you are a health-conscious cook, you will want to keep your Manchurian as organic as possible. Avoid packaged, grocery-store items and try this simple recipe for homemade mustard paste. The aromatic flavour of mustard seeds will liven your Manchurian up! ingredients

method

• Black mustard seeds 1 tbsp

Add the ingredients in a blender or food processor and mix them into a paste. Note that the temperature of the water determines how spicy the mustard paste turns out. If you prefer a hot flavour, use cold water and vice versa.

• Yellow mustard seeds 1 tbsp • Green chilies 2 • Sugar 1 tsp • Water 1 and 1/2 cups • Salt to taste

woman of the week 8

At my engage ment.

Walking the ramp.

Actor, model, DJ and stylist

During a shoot.

In today’s fast-paced world, having time to simply breathe has become a luxury few can enjoy. We are all knee-deep in our daily appointments, whether they are official meetings, evening tea parties or feeding the baby. In the midst of all this chaos, who could possibly have the time to hit the gym and rake in some exercise?

Fortunately, there is a solution to your health woes! Much like everything else, the world of fitness has also undergone a technology overhaul. With numerous fitness apps available, you can now train with the world’s best health gurus at your own convenience and that too, without having to a pay dime! Simply download them to your Smartphone and begin. Looking good has never been easier!

.

Personalised fitness apps: The massive boom in fitness apps can be attributed to Apple and sporting goods giant Nike, who pioneered the industry by collaborating for the Nike+ Ipod feature eight years ago. The feature offered an upbeat and energising musical playlist to keep you going while exercising. Now, there is a large variety of apps available which not only allow you to create your own workout playlist but also track your progress and share with other users from around the world. You can also focus on your problem areas thanks to specialised apps which offer workouts for certain parts of the body.

.

Professional fitness apps: What’s great about these apps is that not only are they cheap but can also be downloaded and used as per your convenience. To make it even easier for you, some renowned health gurus from around the world have developed their own apps to help you train. From YouTube channels like Ballet Beautiful by former ballerina Mary Helen Bowers to websites like www.yogasync.tv, everything is available on your app store should you wish to try it. The Johnson & Johnson Official 7-minute workout is another free app that offers you a chance to choose from 36 exercises and 13 predesigned workouts and a custom workout feature to help you design your own seven minute regime. Similarly, the Jillian Michaels SlimDown features the fitness genius Jillian Michaels and offers food and fitness journals options as well as a calorie counter guided by her to make a healthy diet easier to manage.

.

Popular fitness apps: • Couch to 5K which offers training under five virtual coaches at just $1.99 per month!

• Daily Abs Workout is a great way to bring your dream six-pack to reality!

• Calorie Counter allows you to count the number of calories you consume with each meal.

• Zombie Run is an eight-week audio training programme that provides clear instructions on when to walk, run and stretch, building your stamina while narrating a story direct to your headphones. The runner is part of the story, performing different tasks as exercise.