The Express Tribune hi five - September 2

Ms SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

ISSUE NO. 11

Is your boss a conniving corporate queen

page

The wars women wage

page inside domestic goddess -

The delicious pot at the end of a rainbow

written in the stars — Send your feedback to women@tribune.com.pk

How to wow the Virgo

fashion smashion — Steal “New Girl” style

parenting -

Solving your parenting dilemmas

signs your boss may be an Ursula

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Ms

the buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

Y

ou can never forget that one bully from school who ate your lunch, gave you nicknames, and pulled pranks on you for public entertainment. Every year you would wish for your section to be shuffled, but then you’d only be discovered by another more vicious bully.

Once you are older and wiser, you assume that bullying would only be an unpleasant childhood memory. Wrong! Once you step into the corporate world, you realise that those playground bullies are still around — they’re all grown up but still as deadly.

When men at work bully, it’s more obvious. Their public ridiculing, swearing and shouting makes them pretty easy to spot and report. But when our fair gender bullies — she’s far more deadly as she is equipped with covert tactics such as gossiping, criticising behaviour, betraying secrets and social isolation.

As I write this, I fear the backlash from my fellow esprit de corps as this is not your openly acknowledged working woman issue and women would still like to believe that some sisterhood exists at work. Sadly, workplace bullying is four times more rampant than sexual harassment and 40 per cent of the bullies, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute, are actually ... women!

Could it be that there are so few of us at the workplace that we are compelled to bring our own gender down in order to be noticed? Is it a natural, critical, judgmental instinct — our self-identity tied to how other women make us feel? Or is it because most organisations are run by men and we believe that this is acceptable aggressive male behaviour? Whatever the reasons may be, survival is dependent on you spotting a bully before she singles you out. I present to you the seven ultimate habits of bullies and how to counter them all.

Madiha Khalid is a serious HR professional who test-drives all employee motivational strategies on her two-yearold son first.

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by Madiha Khalid

The Habits

of conniv corporate que

1

Silent but violent

Ever heard of the praying mantis’ hunting style? It can sit quietly for hours until the prey gets close enough for a lightning speed attack and then the mantis devours its victim head first. Pretty cruel ... right? But isn’t that similar to the silent treatment of certain female bosses? You can keep going to her in person with a problem and she’ll always brush you away like a fly. You can bombard her with e-mails colour coded in red and she’ll never blink at you once. But once the task blows up to a doomsday scenario, she’ll instantly turn around and blame you for not managing it better. And of course, her being unavailable for a discussion or decisions and unresponsive to your pleas obviously will never feature in this conversation.

For this bully, it’s best to break tasks into smaller milestones which clearly outline where and when you need her decision-making and direction. Keep scheduling regular meetings and keep a track of these meeting requests in writing. This way she’ll be forced into the habit of giving you undivided attention and cannot wriggle out of taking joint responsibility. And never leave meetings without closing action items and reminding her about the next meeting, preferably via e-mail so there is a paper trail.

Lady Psycho

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Think Norman Bates from the movie Psycho. She’s sweet as pie on some days and can act like your best friend, but then there’ll be days when you’ll feel that she could be chasing you around in the office with a knife. She is unpredictable and you’ll never know where you stand with her. You can basically not trust her at all. You know this because when she’s done with her victims, they all resemble roadkill.

It’s best to limit your interaction with her, stay on her good side and keep the relationship limited to niceties. Do not share your views and opinions with her and avoid any personal discussions. You just don’t know in what shape or form they might come back at you. In other words avoid prolonged visits to the Bates Motel.

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The Watchdog

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F is for Failure

She will give you impossible deadlines and unrealistic workload, with the single motive of making sure you fail.

Make no mistake, this is no childhood lesson designed to build your character. These projects are made for disaster and doom. She’s setting you up for a public fall.

To counter this bully, you have to muster all your assertiveness. It’s best to go prepared for this discussion by detailing all the tasks on your plate, their timelines and their scope so she realises how busy you are with work. Reiterate that you are appreciative of her trust in letting you work on so many projects but you need sufficient time to do a great job and make her proud.

She monitors you so closely that you’re almost tempted to find her a job at the Inter-Services Intelligence. From insiting on updates about your whereabouts to clocking time in and out like a prisoner, this bully’s signature style is micromanagement and she insists on calling it perfectionism and high standards. If you didn’t spend so much time updating her, you could actually get things done faster.

This one will need serious trust-building from your side. Start by proving that regardless of your physical presence you’ll never miss a deadline. Volunteer for projects and ask for tasks that are on her to-do list. Get all the information upfront and promise exceptional results. Make sure you keep review meetings to communicate progress and pacify her till you are finished. Volunteer, communicate, deliver and repeat until you have taught her effective delegation.

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

9 signs your boss maybe an Ursula O Saba Khalid

We all know the tentacled sea-witch from The Little Mermaid who manipulates a naive Ariel into trading her soul for a stab at realising her dreams. Sadly, the corporate world is teeming with villainous female bosses who literally act like witches at the workplace. That’s not to say that all female bosses are Ursulas, but only God can save you from the wrath, pettiness and extremely competitive nature of the ones who are.

Here are some tell-tale signs that your boss may be an Ursula who thinks your soul is fair trade for your corporate ambitions.

ving eens

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Does she think she’s queen bee?

An Ursula always assumes that everything she says, hears and feels is correct. If you dare to argue or disagree, the monster in her awakens to immediately embarrass and insult you in front of all your colleagues.

Does she have raging hormones?

Dealing with your own PMS is hard enough as it is but if you add Ursula’s time of the month to the mix, you’ll have female employees jumping off buildings and slitting their wrists.

You’re never

good enough

If you had a penny for all the times she gave you feedback with a ‘but’ in the sentence, you wouldn’t need this job. She excessively criticises and gives invalid feedback even if others have appreciated the same piece of work. You could climb Mount Everest and she would tell you ‘but you’re not the first person to do it’. Her expectations and standards are a conundrum that even Einstein wouldn’t be able to crack.

Make sure you set the expectations and desired results before starting on tasks and get them formalised on a report or e-mail. Every time you feel the objective is straying too far from the agreement bring up the initial discussion and ask her to clarify. The more you stick to rules, objectives and specific targets the more difficult it will be for her to give unjustified criticism. Another tip that can go in your favour is to make sure multiple stakeholders have a view on your performance and ability — which is sure to outnumber her in the end.

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Gossip Girl

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Remember girls at your school discussing others in the ladies’ room?

The same gossiping gets perfected over time and spills over at work.

The objective is very obvious — sabotage, backstab, disrespect and undermine someone’s abilities. The rules of this game are not fair since you hardly know what is being said and fabricated. But when the gossip girl happens to be your boss, prepare yourself for the worst.

There are only two ways to deal with it: either confront her or keep your head cool and focus on your work. Do your job really well and make sure a wide audience is a witness to your competence.

Death by exclusion

It could be the smallest thing, like forgetting to invite you for an office lunch to holding back on projects, important information, or not inviting you to meetings which make you feel like an outsider. The problem with this behaviour is that it’s difficult to pinpoint and confront. The alibi of your bully for this crime will always be ‘it was a mistake’, which will only make you feel more confused, vulnerable and invisible.

Even if you are doubtful about the intentions of your bully, don’t shy away from talking about how it made you feel. State her behaviour or what you have heard, the impact it had on you and the consequences of it on your career. Use ‘I’ statements, specific examples and physically hold your ground.

Another way to tackle this is to make sure you are clued into what is happening at the workplace so that you are not dependent on formal channels of communication.

Word to the wise

At some point or the other in your career, you will encounter some form of bullying and it’s easy to fall into the trap of victimhood. This is exactly the intention of the bully. Take heart in knowing that you have something that your bully envies and she may even view you as a possible threat. The only way to beat bullies is to believe in yourself, be strong and put a stop to their behaviour if you see it happening to someone else. If all else fails, leave this article casually on their desk and hope they can spot themselves.

Does she ever train, mentor or guide new female employees?

An Ursula doesn’t want to make a conducive environment for the career growth of her female employees — especially those who are possibly more talented than her. Her only feedback is to make underhanded critical remarks and pass passiveaggressive comments.

Is she easily threatened?

It’s hard for a woman to get to the top in a maledominated organisation, but Ursulas will defend their territory like vicious predators. And the slightest challenge to her authority will make her rage like a monster.

Does she micromanage everything?

Working with people who sweat over the small stuff is hard enough, but a typical Ursula will have an angina attack if you show too much initiative or come up with an idea that she hasn’t already come up with.

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Do you ever find her spying on you?

As women, we’re pretty much all by nature extremely curious creatures, but when someone constantly has their huge eyeballs on your screen, it makes you want to scream, “Either get yourself a life or at least make your spying a little less obvious.”

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Does she treat people according to status, social background and position?

Ursulas tend to speak to some people in a tone best suited for scum, but the condescending drawl immediately changes to a super-achingly-sweet squeak when somebody higher-up on the career ladder turns up.

Does she ache for friends?

Despite her constant rage, Ursulas often force their employees to go out for group breakfasts and lunches, even though no one really wants to socialise with them outside the workplace. And when it’s time to pay the bill, she never ever offers to treat the team.

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Does she lack empathy?

An Ursula doesn’t understand the concept of sisterhood, women supporting each other, having their backs, or listening to each others’ problems. Sociopathic Ursulas of the corporate world intentionally remain clueless to human emotions and often show signs of extreme insensitivity and inconsideration to their female counterparts. And most Ursulas tend to get away with it all.

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Ms

mother superior

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

Parenting Guide

All the tips and tricks you need to stay on top

Is it safe to diet during pregnancy?

Many women worry about gaining excess weight during pregnancy. But according to medical research, dieting during pregnancy is risky business because it harms the baby’s health more than the mother’s health.

-Dieting (especially fad diets that promise instant, magical weightloss) can deprive you of essential nutrients — such as iron, folic acid, minerals and vitamins — that the foetus needs in order to grow into a healthy baby.

- Women are normally supposed to gain around 25-30 pounds during pregnancy, to allow the baby to reach a healthy weight and function normally.

-Some studies show that during the first trimester, vomiting and a loss of appetite can cause you to lose weight so maybe you don’t need to worry too much about putting on a few extra pounds.

-However, while dieting is not recommended, recent studies indicate that gaining excess weight during pregnancy carries its own risks and increases the chances of complications for the baby. So following a controlled diet that makes you eat healthy while preventing excessive weight gain is recommended.

Conclusion

Don’t stress about the weight-gain. Change your lifestyle permanently by finally joining the gym or exercising at home and eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.

How to stop kids from:

Whining

A child’s whining is one of the most irritating things and most parents are willing to give in to whatever their child wants in order to make it go away. But by doing that you raise an entitled brat who will constantly take advantage of you and undermine your authority.

How to solve this problem It is important to understand the root cause of your child’s whining.

tive 5 ways to get kids ac

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Use technology: These days, kids are more obsessed with gadgets like iPads and fancy phones rather than actual children’s toys. So give your kids a pedometer and let them compete to see who makes the most steps in a day. They’ll go out of their way to be active.

Learning through sports: Invest in as many sporting goods for kids as you do for interactive learning toys. Plastic tennis rackets, bowling pins and cricket bats will keep your child active and busy for long.

3 4

- Normally, kids whine because they want your attention, so you need to ask yourself

Create obstacles: Use cushions, chairs, buckets and stools to create an obstacle course. Let there be a prize for each time he or she makes it towards the end.

Arrange regular play dates with other kids: One of the reasons kids become dull is because they have no one to play with.

Get two or three children together and they’ll be running around for hours.

whether you’ve been neglecting your child. Then, rather than giving in to your child’s demands which will only aggravate the behaviour, try spending some quality time with your child cooking, drawing, painting, reading etc.

-Children often also whine when they are hungry or tired so make sure your child has had enough sleep and has eaten properly.

Healthy play outdoors everyday and a well-balanced nutritious lifestyle are crucial.

-Lastly, you need to make it clear to the child that whining will not get him what he wants. Try explaining patiently to him/ her that his behaviour is not acceptable. Patience and reconnecting with your kid are vital elements to put an end to the whining!

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Reduce television time: If the TV is switched off, your child will have no choice but to come up with a creative way to keep busy.

domestic goddess 5 recipe

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

Rainbow Zarda with candied cherries Sumayya Jamil is a lawyer-turnedfood writer and cookery teacher in London, who is on a mission to promote the love of Pakistani food in the UK. She blogs at pukkapaki.com

method

1. In a saucepan add water, 3-4 cloves and 3 cardamom pods and boil. Add rice and half boil. Then strain the rice and keep aside.

2. Now heat ghee in a dry saucepan, add remaining cloves and cardamom, add the measured 1 1/4 cup water and sugar and make into a thin syrup. (The sugar may crystallise when you add water and sugar in ghee, but not to worry, it all dissolves!)

3. Add the half-boiled rice and nuts to this thin syrup and stir. The water should just about cover the rice.

Cover the saucepan and turn heat down completely low. Check every 5 minutes, stir gently and cover again. Keep doing this until the rice is nearly cooked through.

4. Once nearly done, pour in the saffron, dribble the food colour sparingly here and there (try not to mix the colours, as they all land up turning brown). Keep heat on low, cook covered for another few minutes.

The rice should be completely cooked through but not soft or mushy.

5. Serve in a bowl topped with candied peel, glaze cherries, coconut and khoya, if desired.

Preparation and cooking time: About 30 minutes soaking rice prior to cooking, prep and cooking about 25 minutes. Serves about 3-6 people.

I don’t think there’s anyone in Pakistan who does not have some grandmother or aunt with an unhealthy obsession with making Zarda — that sweet yellow rice that is not what you need after a heavy meal of ... well, savoury rice! My appreciation for it grew after having my Nani’s Zarda every time I came over for chai — which was every afternoon!

Here is a version of her recipe modernised by my twists of rainbow hues and the use of candied fruits such as cherries and peel. Omit the Ashrafis and try this fruity cirtus-y version.

ingredients Basmati Rice 1-1/2 cups Ghee 2 tbsp Water 1-1/4 cup Caster Sugar 1-1/2 cups Food Colours Green, Blue & Red Khoya 1 tbsp (optional) Spices, nuts and fruit:

Cloves 8-10 Green Cardamom Pods 5-7 Mixed Dried Fruit 3 tbsp Glass Cherries 1 tbsp Candied Peel 1/2 tbsp Dessicated Coconut 1 tbsp Pinch Saffron 1 large

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Ms

fashion smashion

THE EXPRESS THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER JULY 22, 2, 2012

Steal her style: Jess from “New Girl” O Saba Khalid

Good girl cardigans

Cardigans can make the sauciest outfit look super cute. And they work just as well with shalwar kameezes. Just put on a sleeveless kameez and wear a monotone, simple cardigan on top and you’ll look absolutely angelic.

Before bulky, clumsy Bridget Jones stole our hearts, we had no real girl representation on TV. The girls were all perfect size zeros, fell between a spectrum of either complete blond bimbos with no ambition or extremely cutthroat corporate vixens. For the girls in between — you had no one to relate to. And then came along “New Girl”. Jess, the protagonist of the show, is a sweet underpaid teacher with a kickass signature style, who not only sings pretty badly but manages to live with three boys without falling for any of them. She’s the personification of all things ‘adorkable’. Here are just a few things we’d love to steal from her wardrobe.

Polka dots

Not many women can pull off polka dots. But everyone should try at least once. We love this gorgeous polka dotted skirt on Jess. If you want to give polka dots a desi spin, go to any cloth market and design yourself a polka dotted kurta.

Stripes

Stripes do wonders if worn right. And we hate that stripes have completely disappeared from desi outfits. We should totally bring bright coloured diagonal stripes in tung pajamas.

Bows Ever since Lady Gaga did a hair bow, we’ve gone gaga for bows. Here Jess does a totally replicable simple bow with a pink ribbon.

what she said 7

Battle Scars Women and their bodies

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

O Batool Zehra

A little less perfect, a little more beautiful On the arch of my foot, there’s a pale crescent-shaped mark, a reminder of how I cut my foot in the early morning rush many years ago — tripping in the bathroom, distracted and hurried, as I rushed to get ready for work. In those wintry, uncertain days of the first year of my marriage, when most of the time I second-guessed my judgment and held each emotion up for scrutiny, there was no doubt at all in my mind, as I watched the ruby drops bubble up from the cut, that this injury was my husband’s fault. Overwrought with misplaced emotion and pain, I limped over to him, and demanded that he fix what he had ruined. Cradling my foot in his lap, my husband bandaged it, barely able to hide his amusement at my glowering face. I told him in no uncertain terms that if my foot was never the same again, it would all be his fault. He assured me that my foot was just lovely, but I kept shaking my head, “This will leave a scar,” I said.

I was right.

The crescent shape has faded very little over the years and every time I wear a strappy sandal, my scar is accentuated, just as I had feared.

Only, I no longer think of it as just a scar — I think of it as a battle scar acquired in a crucial battle which had seemed completely ordinary at that time but which surely, subtly changed the direction I was headed in. In those lonely, uncertain days, getting over my pride and asking for what I wanted — bandaging and love — demanding that he take care of me the way I wanted him to, was a big deal. So the scar is a badge of pride, not unlike another person’s big, shiny car — a symbol of what, at one point in my life, I didn’t have, and the fight I had to put up to acquire it.

I shared my battle scar theory with a friend who had a perfect nose before she got into a minor accident while hanging out with her in-laws and bumped it. She stroked her still-terrific nose, fretting over how she had been getting minor injuries and how her body had been changing. Like I had been at the time of my little accident, she was consumed with the fact that her nose would never be the same again.

But I thought how amazing it was that as we grow, our bodies change in subtle ways to tell the private stories that make us who we are. Wounds of suffering and happiness, joy and distractedness, scratches that edify and abrasions that warn. Life wounds us, and heals us, and leaves the tales etched on our bodies — as scars and lines, a thicker waist, breasts like wilted flowers, silvery arcs of cellulite. To me they are all signs of a woman victorious.

Which is why it confuses me that women go to such great lengths to preserve the dewy skin, voluminous hair, tiny waist and still-slim hips of a girl without battle scars, a girl who has not fought, a girl who has, in fact, not lived. Am I the only one who finds it sad that women would live through great experiences but then strive to bring their bodies in conformity with that of a virginal ideal? As they disown their life stories to embrace some ideal of beauty, their bodies tell just one story — that there is none. The 35-year-old who looks 24 has been engaged in a battle with her own body — and who wants that to be their life story?

And so we camouflage and hide — artfully, painstakingly, embracing a plastic perfection which in its deceptiveness and untruth is the very antithesis of beauty, forgetting that our beauty lies in our distinctiveness, that we are loved, not because we are perfect, but because of our flaws.

written in the stars 8

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012

Wow

Match made in heaven

the

Virgo man — Capricorn woman When the perfectionist meets the practical-minded Capricorn, there is sizzling energy between the two.

Both are extremely driven and will push each other to get ahead in life.

August 24 — September 23

DON’T even think about it

In love with a Virgo?

V M Mss T has the inside on his sign unique, how to make what makes th this d what not to do to drive him him yours and away

d a e h s ’ o g r i V e h t Inside

will take ed, this man is ru b r o d ere at if broken, batt ragmatic, th p re d a n u a l o y a c if ti terally e’s so prac roject — so ecause he li your feet. H b ys needs a p a n — o lw n k a c la n a p a b a u m The Virgo ore, giving ke a list or ht to get yo up loving m e’ll do is ma day and nig s h d g rk n o e in w s th y d t a n rs a fi heens, e alw you in d paper, the of Charlie S tionships, h n d la a rl re n o e is w p h a a to in it comes Basically, a French you give him his partner. thing. When hen you get r ry w fo e e v ly c e ti r te o le fo n p n d self com has a pla the bill an changing him fuse to split d re n a r, e ty n n in le d p r up on he’ll pay fo n Harper! So la A n a is e h manicure.

Celebrity Virgo

Paul Wal ker

For the vivacious Scorpio woman who lives for crazy passion, the unassuming and practical Virgo man will be a total bore.

As she forces him to open up about his feelings, the Virgo man will shut her out completely.

How to reel him in?

1.

Let him play protective papa to you — because he loves to feel needed and depended on.

These celebrities are proof that Virgos are some of the sexiest guys around.

2.

Let him be an introvert sometimes — almost all Virgo men have an Ernest Hemingway side to them — when they’ll disappear to sea and come back when they’ve conquered their demons. A girl has to learn to be all right with that.

What makes him run like a little girl?

1.

If you are the kind of girl who enjoys playing mind games, this guy is not for you. He has neither the patience nor the time for it.

C olin Firt h

C hris P ine

Virgo man — Scorpio woman

2.

keanu Reeves

3.

He’s an absolute neat freak — so if you have a habit of leaving your hair barrettes around and have never washed a few dishes, he’ll run for the hills.

He hates rudeness and loud people, so if you start and end all your sentences with a curse word, he might not be the right one for you.