The Express Tribune hi five - September 20

Ms SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

ISSUE NO. 170

Intelligent Parenting

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Eid accessories for our animals page

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inside En vogue — White and gold

Domestic goddess —

Pomegranate juice

Section In-Charge: Dilaira Dubash Sub-Editors: Amna Hashmi Nisma Chauhan Designer: Umar Waqas Feedback: women@tribune.com.pk

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The elegant Sana T Aziz

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The buzz

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

By Mehreen Ovais Narmeen Khan’s childhood in Islamabad was about as normal as one could expect. Her parents worked hard to build a happy home for Narmeen and her siblings, offering the very best of everything. And yet, Narmeen suffered from an inability to control her emotions. “I was always extremely hard on myself, setting unrealistic goals in activities I didn’t want to do and feeling like I didn’t quite fit in,” she recalls. “My parents were workaholics and much of my childhood went by with the belief that my feelings weren’t worthy of their time or intelligence.”

Although she didn’t know this back then, Narmeen’s behaviour was a typical manifestation of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) – a condition often overlooked in our part of the world. According to Dr Jonice Webb, the American psychologist who actually coined the term, CEN results as a lack of emotional intelligence in the parents. That is to say that the parent(s) is unable to respond to their child’s emotional needs adequately for they are preoccupied with work or simply, unaware. As a result, any changes in the child’s behaviour or their attempts to seek attention may go unnoticed, giving rise to CEN. An important distinction to make here would be that CEN does not relate to emotional or physical abuse as it lacks noticeable action. The neglect on the part of the parents is actually a dearth of any action taken by them to accommodate their child’s needs. On the surface, patients like Narmeen seem happy and healthy human beings but delving deeper into their psyche reveals an inability to express feelings, connect with others, share experiences, love, be loved and be confident. Dr Webb explains that oftentimes, such individuals feel “a sense of being on the outside, less happy than they should be or feeling empty inside.” What adds fuel to the fire is that they cannot find an explanation as to their feelings and instead, develop guilt and self-pity.

Getting to the roots Emotional intelligence can most simply be defined as the ability to recognise, understand and control one’s own emotions as well as those of others around us. The umbrella terms includes handling relationships, identifying social cues, coping with life and self-motivation. According to a study published in Pakistan Journal of Psychology in 2011, there are several ways in which parents might be emotionally unintelligent. For Pakistani households in particular, the gender and birth order of children seems to be a key factor in that parents tend to give more attention to sons or their first-borns. Similarly, the socio-economic makeup of our country could render many parents from the lower to middle classes as emotionally unintelligent for child-rearing.

Online psychology portal PsychCentral and Dr Webb’s research have listed several different parenting styles that cause emotional neglect. Some of these include:

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THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

Parents do not speak the language of emotion in the house They fail to identify emotions themselves or to teach their children how to do so. In such households, any positive occurrence is either ignored or not celebrated adequately. On the other hand, should something negative happen to the child, it is never discussed. Sometimes, the child may even be teased or taunted for it. Such an atmosphere makes their young, impressionable minds think that how they feel is unimportant and should not be expressed.

Parents do not manage and control emotions Parents who make no attempt to curtail their own emotional reactions in the company of children cannot instruct the latter on how to do so. They fail as mentors and the children are left confused as to how they should behave when they feel happy or sad, relate to another’s emotions and manage their own guilt and self-confidence.

Parents do not understand their children’s emotions When parents fail to provide much help, children turn to interpreting their own behaviour themselves. For example, any anxiety they feel could be deemed as weakness, low self-worth as laziness and so on. These children usually move through life feeling alone, misunderstood and worthless, disempowered and empty inside.

Eventually, all of the parenting styles mentioned above culminate in several pervasive and long-lasting psychological problems.

According to a study by the Leiden University in Netherlands, children grow up to have problems like depression, pervasive sense of unhappiness and discontent. Many of them resort to substance abuse or delinquency to alleviate their feelings. Some might have suicidal thoughts as well.

All in all, Dr Webb has identified 12 different types of emotionally neglectful parents. The largest category of this it the WMBNT Group, i.e. well-meaning but neglected themselves. Parents belonging to this category love their children deeply and are able to give them everything but emotional atonement for they weren’t given it themselves. This gives rise to an emotional blind spot that is transferred from one generation to another.

Trapped in a spiral Nazneen Kamal’s experience as a secondary school teacher in Karachi has taught her one thing: children who hail from emotionally secure households perform much better at school than those who do not. This includes not just academic success but social skills as well wherein children learn from their peers. “You see, the mother figure forms an integral part of a household from whom children learn to interact effectively,” explains Nazneen. “Fathers are just as important when it comes to emotional intelligence as they instil self-esteem, confidence and social management within a child.” Therefore, a father figure who is physically or emotionally (or both) absent or harsh, strict or unnecessarily critical will leave long-standing negative effects on his child’s mind. “I have seen that parents with high emotional intelligence tend to raise children with equal emotional intelligence and so on,” adds Nazneen.

In this way, the cycle continues from one generation to another.

At the other end of the spectrum lies the Boomerang Effect which psychologists describe as the over-indulgence of emotions. Herein, parents who grew up without emotional validation unintentionally give their children’s emotions too much power.

Unfortunately, this too is considered as emotional neglect seeing as how the over-indulgence prevents children from learning how to express and manage their feelings properly. The parents are not to be blamed for this, however, as CEN can easily be avoided or reversed via sound emotional coaching and therapy.

Being a good parent We must realise that the effects of CEN continue well into adulthood which is why, it should be nipped in the bud. According to John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, good parenting combines both emotional support and intellect.

First of all, parents must be aware of their child’s emotions and grant them the opportunity to share as they want. As parents, it is their responsibility to listen empathically to what their child says, explore and accept and finally, guide them through it. The positive effects of emotional coaching are legitimised by research from Johns Hopkins University which suggests that children who receive it are stronger physically, socially as well as academically.

An article entitled What is Childhood Emotional Neglect and How It Affects Your Child, published by online network The Daily Mind in July offers more specific advice for parents. It stresses three main changes parents should incorporate: • When a child is sad, angry or upset, parents should avoid a general assurance that everything will be alright. This indicates that they are not addressing the problem, nor understand it. Instead, they should ask the child what happened and identify what his feelings are specifically.

• It is imperative for parents to show sympathy towards the child, no matter what their problem might be. They should support them and reassure them that whatever happens, they are not alone.

• It is equally important to teach children how to let go. No human being can ever control everything and so, it should not be a source of frustration or anger. Training children to accept events and other’s behaviours will help them through life.

In addition to this, there are some self-help practices one can use to correct CEN within themselves. For instance, psychology student Amjad Hussein suggests self-monitoring emotions. For instance, when one is experiencing a specific emotion, they should pause, pay attention to it and ask themselves ‘What’ and ‘Why’ instead of running from it. Once the human mind learns to open up to its own self, opening up to others will become less of a hurdle.

“At times, I advise people to record their thoughts in a journal. It is a great way to get in touch with your feelings and also allows you to go back and read what you have written before for self-analysis and motivation,” says Amjad.

Mehreen Ovais is an alumna of Manchester Business School and Lahore University of Management Sciences. She is passionate about writing and journalism. She tweets @mehreenovais

Design by Talha Khan

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En vogue

Feel like a princess in Ghazo’s white and gold collection Coordination: Umer Mushtaq Hair and Make-up: Saba Ansari at Sabs Label: Ghazo Multi Brand Store Photography: Rohail Khaled Model: Fatima Effendi

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

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Lifestyle

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

By Ans Khurram

It’s that time of the year again when Pakistan’s urban centres are replete with goats, cows and camels up for sale. With Eid-ul-Adha right around the corner, bleating and mooing sounds have already integrated themselves into our surroundings. The streets are bustling with labourers and craftsmen from across the country, preparing to serve as make-shift butchers and children showing off their temporary pets before the impending sacrifice.

Mothers have already taken to the kitchens, pre-cooking our favourite Eid delicacies to save time on qurbaani day.

Amongst the many interesting traditions we Pakistanis follow on Eid, perhaps the most exciting is the dressing up of the animals we purchase. From colourful trinkets to fur-dyes, our bakra mandis are packed with interesting animal accessories. According to 45-year-old Malik Shaukat who runs a pet store in Rawalpindi, the practice is in honour of Prophet Ibrahim’s willingness to sacrifice his son in the way of the Almighty. “Because the qurbaani is to celebrate his sacrifice, people express their sentiments by decorating their animals.”

Malik’s colleague, 32-year-old Ali Niaz prepares and sells animal accessories during the weeks leading up to Eid. “In my experience it is mostly children who love to do this,” explains Ali, “They form a bond with the animals and usually drag their parents here to buy knickknacks they can adorn their new friends with.”

Sporting vivid colours like yellow, red and electric blue, the pieces stand out against the fur coat of the animals.

In an agro-based economy like Pakistan, where many workers rely on the beasts of

PHOTOS: FILE

burden for their daily wages, animal accessories make for a lucrative business round the year. Modestly priced between Rs50 to Rs200, the accessories are often produced by the women folk of the villages the salesmen hail from. Much like Malik and Ali, these vendors bring them to cities along with the cattle to sell them at a profit.

Seasonal stalls like that of Ali’s offer a variety of accessories that can be placed on different parts of the sacrificial animals. One of the most sought after items is known as the gaani, a garland of sorts to hang around the animal’s neck. “These are handmade from cloth and are often embellished with flowers,” says Ma-

lik Shaukat, “They are used to adorn the necks of goats and cows as well.” The bigger animals like camels and bulls usually require the talgaare which covers their neck and forehead.

Ali points out another popular bangle-like article called the janjarey. “These circular metal rings are used to decorate the legs of an animal. When it walks, they also generate a pleasant clunking sound so you know the animal is coming,” says Malik. A similar item, the bell, is hung around the animal’s neck for a similar purpose. “In the villages, bells are attached to help the owners keep track of their cattle,” adds Malik. “In the cities, however, they are used more for decorative purposes

only. I guess children enjoy the commotion created by janjarey and bells.”

But that’s not all! Also on offer is the moorakh (commonly called moor for short), which is a veil like structure with a leather strap that holds it in place. “The moorakh is attached to the face of a goat and generally covers the nose and the neck as well,” says Malik. The bigger veil is called a kalyaara. It is frequently accompanied by the maatha — a triangular piece of cloth whose edges are embroidered with shiny materials that goes on the forehead of cows and camels in particular.

Interestingly, the fashionable accessories aren’t limited to the animal’s attire only: there is a whole variety complimenting accessories.

The waag dori, for instance, is a bright and more imaginative replacement for traditional ropes used to tie animals. The item is essentially a rope that is garnished with a variety of neon colours often weaved in different patterns. “At the end of the waag dori is a metal hook which allows one to fasten their animal,” explains Ali. “Maalas are also used to adorn the necks of large animals,” says Ali, “Larrian are the lower flower garlands made of smaller flowers for smaller cattle, like goats.” For many customers, the colour of the animal’s coat is also extremely important. “I always ask my husband to ensure that the goat he buys for sacrifice is white,” says 29-year-old housewife Munazza Atif, who associates the colour with purity. “Plus the decoration items contrast nicely with a neutral colour like white.” Munazza’s husband, Atif, adds, “There is great value for animals that are naturally one colour. These goats tend to be more expensive as well. Personally, we prefer pure black or pure white.”

Who would have thought that the business of animal accessories, although seasonal, could be so lucrative? According to the Asian Correspondent, Pakistan sacrificed over 10 million animals at a cost of over $3 billion back in 2010. Clearly, the pre-Eid frenzy is an excellent opportunity for vendors like Malik and Ali to benefit from.

Ans Khurram is a freelance writer.

Design by Essa Malik

Domestic goddess 7

THE EXPRESS TRIBUNE, SEPTEMBER 20, 2015

By Huba Akbar

Pomegranate punch drink

PHOTO: HUBA AKBAR

Ingredients • Pomegranate seeds (removed and collected) 1 cup • Pink grapefruit (large) 1 • Rosemary (crushed) 1 pinch • Ice cubes 1 cup

Method

Refresh yourself with this delicious punch

The Red Effect

Pomegranates are not just good to taste; they are the season’s best bet for a healthy lifestyle. You might think the fruit is more trouble than it’s worth. Its spiny skin makes it difficult to retrieve the juicey parts and the red colour can stain your hands easily. But, the following benefits make all the effort well worth it: More Potassium: Pomegranates are packed with antioxidants that protect one against dialysis-related infections, kidney diseases or cardiovascular complications such as high blood pressure.

Vitamin C: Pomegranate contains enough Vitamin C to account for nearly 40% of the daily recommended dosage. They lower blood pressure and also curb hunger thanks to the high level of fibre inside.

Healthy Teeth: The deliciously tangy juice of pomegranate protects against dental plaque. Antioxidants called polyphenols are the primary driver behind this antibacterial activity.

• Juice the grapefruit in a citrus blender.

• Blend in all the ingredients and serve chilled.

Cancer Protection: The juice prevents prostate cancer cells from moving while also weakening the chemical signals that promote this kind of cancer to spread in the first place. It destroys breast cancer cells too.

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Almond oil: Rid yourself of burn marks and scrapes by massaging some almond oil into the affected area daily. Regular application will progressively reduce the scar.

Sandalwood water: This is yet another way to safeguard your skin against pimples and acne scars that stay on after.

Simply soak sandalwood bark in water for a few hours. Retrieve the wood and use a cotton ball to smear the water over your scars. Repeat the process for a week and feel the difference. Also, the sandalwood can be dried and stored for future purposes.

Milk: If it’s a tan you are worried about, then fret not!

All you have to do it soak some cotton balls in milk and apply them to the darkened area. Allow the milk to dry overnight and wash off with warm water.

Cinnamon and honey: Amongst the many benefits of cinnamon is an essential oil with strong microbicidal actions. When combined with honey, the oil acts like a shield against pimples and acne. The best way to try this solution is by mixing a teaspoon of cinnamon powder with one tablespoon of honey. Stir the ingredients into a thick paste and dab the paste on each pimple, leaving it overnight. Wash it off with lukewarm water the next morning to reveal cleaner and radiant skin. The cinnamon and honey mix is also excellent for an instant glow.

Lemon juice: It is common knowledge that lemon possesses bleaching properties. It is an essential ingredient of every skin product that promises glowing skin, thanks to the antioxidants and Vitamin C it contains. If it is acne that is getting to you, simply dab some lemon juice on the affected area directly and allow it to dry overnight. However, be mindful that too much lemon can actually damage skin cells. Therefore, it is advisable to mix the juice with some yogurt to prevent itches or allergies.

Potato peels: Applying the vegetable to your face will help diminish dark circles and burn marks alike. Keep it on for atleast twenty minutes. The results will come slow but they will come for sure.

Natasha Khalid is a doctor by profession. She likes to write about fashion, people and social affairs.

She tweets @natashakhalidxs Design by Essa Malik