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NEWS
[ D I S PAT C H ]
Greitens and Grifters The ex-governor tries desperately to duct tape himself to Trump during rally Written by
DANIEL HILL
D
isgraced former governor and exercise equipment enthusiast Eric Greitens held a political rally in Robertsville on Saturday, meaning that, for a few hours at least, it could reasonably be assumed he wasn’t actively sexually assaulting or blackmailing anyone. The former chief executive of the state of Missouri, who resigned in 2018 after being accused of doing just that, mostly treated the afternoon event as an audition for an endorsement from former president Donald Trump for U.S. Senator Roy Blunt’s soonto-be-vacated seat, despite recent reporting that Trump does not support him and is angry that anyone in his orbit does. In keeping, the entire affair amounted to a series of fevered hallucinations plucked straight from the former president’s own addled brain and presented in the direst of terms to a frothing crowd in the serene environs of a Franklin County wedding venue. There were warnings of the imminent destruction of the United States at the hands of the (lol) communists currently occupying the White House, dutiful hand-wringing over nonexistent election fraud and lamentations about the impending ban on the singing of “Amazing Grace” that’s apparently coming down the pike any day now. But even with the support of suspended attorney and sweatdrenched fountain of bullshit Rudy Giuliani, who also made an appearance at the event, Greitens is unlikely to persuade Trump. According to a Friday report from Politico, our dumbest former president has become increasing-
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RIVERFRONT TIMES
Diehards gather in loose flocks, but ex-Governor Eric Greitens was really playing to an audience of one. | DANNY WICENTOWSKI ly angry that his son’s girlfriend and loud-talking nonsense factory Kimberly Guilfoyle is working for Greitens’ campaign and has flat-out said that he would not endorse Greitens if the primary were today. “Trump thinks Greitens is problematic, and that Kim is annoying,” one Trump adviser told the media outlet, summing up the opinion of millions. “He said, ‘Why the fuck is she working for him?’” At issue, apparently, is the very scandal that led to Greitens’ resignation from office. It’s become a source of consternation for establishment Republicans throughout the state and nation, who fear that his considerable baggage will cost them what should be a safe seat. Trump’s dissatisfaction probably comes from a different place, though; he tends to be less concerned about sexual abuse and corruption than he is about whether or not someone is a “loser” or a “quitter,” which are labels one can assume he applied to Greitens the second the latter chose to resign instead of attempting to overthrow the state government. But none of this was of any concern for the 150 or so die-hard Greitens fans in attendance at the Venue at Maison du Lac on Saturday. The small event space was actually the backup plan for the
JULY 14-20, 2021
riverfronttimes.com
The terrible main course was preceded by a generous serving of batshit. | DANNY WICENTOWSKI rally, which was originally set to take place outdoors at a nearby ranch but was moved at the last minute due to the weather, sadly depriving us all of the chance to see Giuliani’s hair melt all over his face in the Missouri heat. A woman with a microphone assured the half-full venue that there would have been 600 to 700 attendees were it not for the change, which is confusing since the new location was only a two-minute drive
from the original and only has a capacity of 300 anyway. The rally kicked off with a prayer, as tends to be the way with these things. In the style of our lord Jesus Christ, a pastor took the mic and began lamenting the “militant Marxist groups” he claims are bringing “anarchy to our cities,” vowing to “defeat the enemy” with the help of the holy spirit and assuring the crowd Continued on pg 10
