Never Before

Photo by Nigel Hunter

Never Before 10-05-2020

Daniel coll is an actor, presenter, producer, director and founder of killion films. as an actor his recent film work includes the lead in two miles under, jim in jo brand’s the more you ignore me, yarwood in northern soul and phil in the happiness of larry. on tv he is better known as di blackmore in emmerdale and trevor brains in eastenders. he has also appeared in guest roles for coronation street, where the heart is, heartbeat, always and everyone and waterloo road. his work in london’s west end includes dan alongside tim healy in the original cast of billy elliot at thevictoria palace london, joly in les misérables at the palace theatre london, toad in wind in the willows at the vaudeville london and giuseppe in wonderful town at the queens theatre london. represented by emg management daniel graciously shares with us his experience during lockdown, contracting covid-19, and most importantly, surviving the deadly virus.

Writing is new to me, something I have ‘never before’ attempted. I am, like most actors, a muscle, a body, a soul and mind by nature more used to operating with other people’s words.

Actors need a canvas: a painter most of the time directed and poured forth by others. So, when we are removed from our normal arena of work it is hard to maintain motivation and fill the creative void.

Added to this, like many others in the freelance gig economy, our financial tap so often little more than a trickle under normal circumstances, seems to have become bone dry overnight.

Living on my own I find emotionally I am constantly dipping and diving into joy, sadness, anger, and tears. Uninvited memories and thoughts seem to fill some of my current void. Coupled with that I then began a very real struggle for a while on my own after contracting the virus myself having caught it just before lockdown.

COVID-19 is a nightmare journey full of so many changing symptoms; headache, runny nose, cough, body aches, unimaginable tiredness followed by a sudden break of a few days when I feel perfectly normal again - then BAM! I am hit with total exhaustion, profoundly troubling emotions (it got right into my head) together with breathing dfficulties. This was deeply worrying, and I thought at one point I might not quite make it through.

My agent, some family members and friends provide amazing support as they contact me each day, and after talking with my GP I struggle through and improve but somewhat changed in my mindset: the virus has changed us all in some way I guess.

My main issue is not seeing my daughter AT ALL as I am separated from her mother. The virtual world brings temporary respite with a Skype call but as I reach to touch her face, I feel the cold bite of the mocking screen reminding me not to get too engaged in this unreality. I so long to touch, smell, and hug her and tell her how I love her. OH JUST ONE BIG HUG! Not possible, so we cheerfully say goodbye for now, the screen goes dark and the involuntary pearl of water floats down my cheek.

A few minutes of realisation float by, time standing still as I sit in a dumb ache.

“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER – YOU PRAT” I hear myself shouting “SORT YOURSELF OUT”. I wonder what the neighbours on both sides will think hearing me through the thin walls of my tiny flat.

I wonder if my bouts of insanity will continue when the white coated men arrive: I decide to go for my daily walk to escape myself.

Peering through the peephole in my flat door I see the coast is clear of embarrassment and head out swiftly into the warm air.

My walk today starts in the park - mistake! It’s full of joggers, skate boarders and cyclists who seem to think that social distancing is scaring the hell out of passers-by: appearing to be doing it right but going just too close, filling the walker with fear. I see old people pull back as these mobile miscreants pass perilously close.

Being a Yorkshire terrier of an age when one becomes more vocal, I find myself using my vocal skills “Do not come quite so close please! Would you keep a little more distance please?

“i thought at one point i might not quite make it through.”

Can you move more over there?” pointing manically towards the other side of the path “PLEASE!”

My dulcet tones seem to fall on deaf ears, focussed as they are on their own self-worth and athletic skills. They live in a bubble. I guess many of us are living in bubbles in this strange lockdown world.

I return to my solitary flat with a better head and see a message from my agent: an audition, a voice over. Like so many other actors I am trying to find ways to adapt in this new shaped world never before needed. I have installed a small recording studio (partly in a cupboard) and learnt new skills. I am now able to record, mix and make tracks that I can send to companies anywhere in the world. Connected, but totally unconnected, I send off the wav file and wait for the word.

As I write I also find that other auditions have followed, all done remotely. I prop up my computer on books, point its internal camera, connect the mic, and become both camera, sound, director, and editor as well as actor in my own secret film set.

It takes time to adjust, but it is worth persisting with: a quick learning curve that tests and develops new necessary skills.

In many ways this period of lockdown has moved us forward and I find that there are great positives. Mastering these new skills will in future cut down on so much unneeded travelling and I feel improve overall the way we all do work in the business.

Directors, actors, casting directors, agents can all connect and make decisions virtually, at least in the earlier stages. This is a good thing for actors

in the main as it will save us a huge amount of time and money. So I decide to embrace the benefits and master the skill. Thank goodness for YouTube, a wonderful tool where help is always at hand as I master Zoom, editing, sound recording and other such tools.

Many people in the industry are quite pessimistic about the future but I take the other view. Artists are incredibly good at adapting and the whole industry will recover as it finds new innovative ways to do theatre, film, tv, radio and other media. It will all take time, new skills, and effort but nothing comes easy in the arts, nor should it I decide.

Audition done and another day I find myself on another walk, this time in the woods, a respite of nature with very few people. The birds are tweeting and chatting louder than I have ever heard them before. They appear to be having a wonderful party as if they know that we humans are no longer in control.

Glorious singing and then I see the colours of the bluebells smiling through. It is going to be OK they smile - nature brings peace and I breathe, allowing myself to calm, relax and stand and stare in awe at the beauty all around.

Families seem closer than normal and children appear to be enjoying the respite from school as they cycle past in a group. The sun is warm, and a clear blue sky offers up more hope.

Life is a state of flux I decide, in constant shifting, changing, undefinable and uncontrollable patterns. We can choose to move with it or not, so I breathe and prepare for my new day, allowing myself a small smile Photo by Leo Wieling on Unsplashas I wander back to my flat alone.

“artists are incredibly good at adapting and the whole industry will recover”