Are You Being Held Captive?

MY FRIEND JOHN rubbed his jawline as we talked. “Yesterday, I was mowing my yard and realized I was clinching my jaw,” he explained. “Of all things, I’m thinking about him at the weirdest times!” The “him” was a former boss who’d changed John’s job description four times in the two years he’d worked for him. John had quit when his boss had told him he’d “always held reservations about his competency.” Years later, it was a gut punch that still hurt, and it was affecting the quality of his work and personal life.

Sara is a 22 year old who just graduated from a local community college. Like many her age, her academic career was derailed by the Covid-19 lockdown and the onlineonly class work it brought. The isolation and learning style didn’t fit her personality, and she began battling severe depression and anxiety. Now, on the other side of it with a diploma in her hand, she’s very anxious about finishing her education at a four-year university. The memories of that time could potentially derail her life and future.

These are real people. Like many of my clients and friends, their experiences aren’t

BY DR. JIM BAILEY

simply details of their stories but impactful events that changed how they think about themselves and their futures. The lasting emotions and internal messages that they carry afterward will influence what they can achieve with their lives.

Most often the emotions are resentment or fear, though rage, hopelessness, powerlessness, and the like are common. These get transformed into self-messages that may sound like, “I’m not _____ enough,” with the blank filled in with smart, organized, talented, quick-witted, likable, or a hundred other qualities. Everyone carries some negative self-messages - it’s their power to influence our thoughts and actions that causes problems.

Psychologist Albert Ellis created a branch of cognitive behavioral therapy based on the impact life events can have on beliefs about ourselves and the world. He proposed that each of our life events gets interpreted and turned into rational or irrational personal beliefs that can influence our daily behavior. According to Ellis, if you want to know what someone believes at a core level, then watch their behaviors as