NEURODIVERSE STRUGGLES REDISCOVERING JOY THROUGH SELF-CARE
HOW TO TALK ABOUT BODY SAFETY
COULDI HAVEADHD?
1. Who is going to take care of your child after you are gone and where will they live?
2. How much will that care cost and how are you going to pay for that care?
3. Do you have a special needs trust and do you know how much money you will need in it? How are you going to fund it? How are the funding instruments taxed when you die?
4. What government benefits are available to your child and how do you apply for them?
5. What is the Medicaid waiver and how do you apply for it?
6. How will you communicate your plan to family members?
OUR COVER STORIES
DISCOVERING MY SPECTRUM: LATE AUTISM DIAGNOSIS AND ADVOCACY
Brittany Browne, BA, MS
Meet Brittany, an advocate diagnosed with autism as an adult, who uses her platform as an active participant in the Mrs. Georgia America Pageant to promote neurodiversity awareness.
EMPOWERING WOMEN CAREGIVERS: REDISCOVERING JOY THROUGH SELF-CARE
Nicole Dauz
A self-care coach, speaker, and author offers ways to face fear, find joy, and live a more meaningful life.
16 OVERCOMING NEURODIVERSE STRUGGLES WITH ANXIETY, ANGRY OUTBURSTS, AND MELTDOWNS
Sarah Casburn, RHN, RNCP, CNE
The secrets to better managing mental health challenges with neurodiversity are shared by a mom and certified sensory enrichment therapist.
36 COULD I HAVE ADHD? THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MENOPAUSE AND EXECUTIVE FUNCTION
Dr. Kimberly Idoko, MD, MBA Esq
A look at how AAC can not only facilitate communication but open doors to education, social interaction, and a more independent life.
44 SAFETY GOALS WITH NICOLE HOW TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTERS WITH DISABILITIES ABOUT BODY SAFETY
Nicole Moehring
A mother who has experienced the traumatic reality of her children enduring abuse shares salient advice with others.
46 LOVING YOURSELF AND YOUR NEURODIVERSITY AND FINDING THOSE WHO LOVE THE REAL YOU
Sydney Roberts, MA
A look at how AAC can not only facilitate communication but open doors to education, social interaction, and a more independent life.
ARTICLES
8 AUTISM IN GIRLS: SHEDDING LIGHT ON THE OFTENOVERLOOKED SIGNS
Taylour Arami, Med
A special education teacher explains the diagnostic differences between the sexes and ways autistic females often camouflage their challenges, making their symptoms less apparent.
20 GIRLS JUST WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS
Karen Kaplan
An exceptional needs consultant and former educator shares the wisdom she hopes will inspire teachers, speech therapists, parents, self-advocates, and others committed to helping women on the spectrum develop friendships.
25 EXCEPTIONAL BOOKS SELF-LOVE, HEALING & NEURODIVERGENCE POEMS OF THE NEURODIVERGENT EXPERIENCE
Jaclyn Pensiero
A woman who received a late autism diagnosis shares her writing that reflects her journey to find solace and acquire the tools to help articulate her complex emotions.
26 10 WAYS TO EMPOWER YOUNG WOMEN ON THE SPECTRUM
Jenilee Goodwin, Professional Life/ Neurodiversity Coach
A mother to three young adult women on the spectrum shares ways to help women feel empowered, supported, and loved no matter what comes their way.
30 EMPOWERING WOMEN ON THE SPECTRUM THROUGH PROPER IDENTIFICATION AND DIAGNOSIS
Stephanie C. Holmes, Ed.D
For some, living as an undiagnosed woman on the spectrum can be a journey fraught with misunderstanding, misdiagnosis, and, often, an undercurrent of pervasive vulnerability. Learn ways to understand yourself better and advocate for change.
35 EXCEPTIONAL BOOKS THE PET RESCUERS LYN AND THE PARROT PURSUIT
Julie Day
In this charming book, a child on the spectrum builds confidence and goes on an adventure searching for her pet parrot.
40 THE BENEFITS OF NURTURING GIRLS AND WOMEN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS
Karen Kaplan, MS
An exceptional needs consultant and former educator summarizes how nurturing females with special needs can help them thrive.
A poet and advocate shares a moving verse about a mother’s determination to do her best for her child.
50 ADVOCATE PAIGE LAYLE ON LIVING AN AUTHENTIC AUTISTIC LIFE
Ron Sandison, M Div
An exclusive interview with inspirational autistic social media influencer and author Paige Layle.
56 LATE AUTISM DIAGNOSIS: CREATING MY PERIPHERY OF NORMAL
Kristin Sunanta Walker
A remarkable woman shares how receiving an autism diagnosis later in life has helped her to understand her younger years and move forward with clarity.
Exceptional Needs
Our mission is to educate, support, and energize families, caregivers, educators, and professionals while preparing all families for a healthy future.
exceptionalneedstoday.com
Founder/Publisher
Amy KD Tobik, BA Lone Heron Publishing, LLC
Magazine Staff
Editor-in-Chief: Amy KD Tobik, BA
Editorial Assistant: Margo Marie McManus, BS
Editorial Intern: Haiku Haughton
Copy Editor: Emily Ansell Elfer, BA
Digital Marketing Coordinator & Social Media: Dione Sabella, MS
Graphic Designer: Annie Rutherford, BA IT & Digital Solutions Specialist: Jared Cochran
Professional Consultants
Chris Abildgaard, LPC, NCC, NCSP
Debra Moore, PhD
Brett J. Novick, MS, LMFT, CSSW Annette Nuñez, PhD, LMFT
“I wish I had known more about autism,” a 40-year-old friend shared with me recently. “It turns out I had so many signs growing up.” While seeking support for her recently diagnosed 13-year-old autistic son, it was revealed her neurodivergence had slipped through the cracks. Today, she considers how life would have been easier had she received autism supports along the way.
My friend’s story is not a new one —a late diagnosis or misdiagnosis is not uncommon due to the broad spectrum of autism symptoms. The number of people, primarily women, who have described similar scenarios is alarming. When I launched Exceptional Needs Today several years ago, I pledged to focus on topics that rise to the surface and pull together a community of advocates, families, educators, physicians, and therapists to provide fresh perceptions and experiences.
This special edition issue, “Empowering Women and Girls with Exceptional Needs,” features articles written by renowned authors and self-advocates such as Meshell Baylor, MHS, Ron Sandison, M Div, Jenilee Goodwin, Stephanie C. Holmes, EdD, Nicole Moehring, Karen Kaplan, MS, Nicole Moehring, Nicole Dauz, and many more. While the theme surrounds females, its content is not limited to only women. If we are to institute change, then the information needs to be shared with everyone.
This issue’s cover features Brittany Browne, BA, MS, an active participant in Mrs. Georgia America Pageant, who was diagnosed with autism as an adult. In her article, “Discovering My Spectrum: Late Autism Diagnosis and Advocacy,” Brittany says she always felt different from other people but never imagined it was autism. Today, Brittany uses her platform to promote neurodiversity awareness. As a Mind & Body Christian Health Group co-founder, she integrates her extensive knowledge in mental health, physical wellness, and neurodiversity. She focuses on understanding and embracing her neurodivergent traits.
According to special education teacher Taylour Arami, MEd, there are diagnostic differences between the sexes. Autistic females often camouflage their challenges, making their symptoms less apparent. In her piece, “Autism in Girls: Shedding Light on the Often-Overlooked Signs,” Taylour
explains the unique presentation of autism in girls and ways an early diagnosis can pave the way for more inclusive and effective support systems that cater to their diverse needs.
Sydney Roberts, MA, had a different experience, as she was identified to be on the autism spectrum between the ages of five and six. As a neurodivergent, newly married woman, Sydney recommends that self-advocates find ways to be at peace with their autistic identity and then find a community that supports their true self. In her piece “Loving Yourself and Your Neurodiversity and Finding Those Who Love the Real You," Sydney describes the value of building community while securing support, especially when life becomes a rollercoaster of friendships, feelings, and transitions.
Other topics featured in this special edition include methodologies to overcome struggles with anxiety, outbursts, and meltdowns, the benefits of nurturing girls and women with special needs, how to empower women caregivers, why it’s vital to teach young girls body safety, how to empower young women on the spectrum, and so much more.
We want to thank our contributors, advertisers, and subscribers who continue to support and play an integral part in our award-winning magazine.
Please encourage friends and family to subscribe to Exceptional Needs Today for guidance. Let's continue to promote awareness, acceptance, and inclusion in the exceptional needs community while making meaningful changes for tomorrow—TOGETHER!
Handling Special Education IEP Disagreements Like a Pro Autism in Girls: Shedding Light on the Often-Overlooked Signs
By Taylour Arami, MEd
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a developmental condition that impacts communication, behavior, and social interaction. Traditionally, autism has been more commonly diagnosed in boys, leading to a gender bias in the understanding and recognition of the condition. However, recent research and awareness efforts have highlighted that females with autism often, although not always, display different symptoms from their male counterparts, leading to underdiagnosis or misdiagnosis. This blog explores the unique presentation of autism in girls, aiming to raise awareness and improve the recognition of these often-overlooked symptoms.
Understanding gender disparity
Historically, the diagnostic criteria for ASD were based on studies predominantly involving boys. This male-centric view has contributed to the stereotype that autism is a “boys’
disorder,” overshadowing the reality that many girls are living undiagnosed or misunderstood. Girls with autism may develop coping strategies that mask their difficulties, making their symptoms less apparent or attributing them to other causes.
Recognizing the unique symptoms in girls
Social interaction differences
• Subtle social challenges: Girls with autism might mimic their peers to fit in, camouflaging their social challenges. They may appear to have a few close friendships, but these relationships often lack depth and understanding.
• Emotional sensitivity: They may empathize with others’ feelings more obviously than autistic boys do, which contradicts the stereotype that individuals with autism lack empathy.
Communication nuances
• Advanced vocabulary: Some girls with autism develop an advanced vocabulary at a young age but may struggle with the pragmatic aspects of communication, such as understanding tone, inference, and sarcasm.
• Passive communication: They might prefer to communicate passively, avoiding confrontation or expressing their needs openly.
Interests and behaviors
• Less obvious restricted interests: Unlike many boys on the spectrum, who often focus intensely on specific topics, girls may have interests that align more closely
with their peers but are pursued in an unusually intense or detailed manner.
• Internalized repetitive behaviors: Repetitive behaviors in girls might be less visible, such as collecting information on a favorite subject, rather than the more overt physical stereotypes commonly seen in boys.
Emotional Processing
• High sensitivity to criticism: Girls with autism often exhibit a heightened sensitivity to criticism or failure, which can lead to anxiety or depression.
• Internalizing disorders: Girls are more likely to internalize their struggles, leading to internal distress that may not be immediately apparent to outsiders.
Strategies for Support and Intervention
• Gender-sensitive assessment: When assessing for autism, it’s crucial to use gender-sensitive diagnostic criteria that account for the unique presentation in girls.
• Tailored support programs: Intervention strategies should be tailored to address specific challenges and needs that girls with autism encounter, focusing on building self-esteem, social skills, and coping strategies.
• Awareness and education: Educating parents, teachers, and healthcare professionals about the subtle signs of autism in girls can lead to earlier diagnosis and support.
• Encourage expression: Create safe spaces for girls to express their interests, thoughts, and feelings without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
Conclusion
As awareness grows, it’s vital to continue adapting our understanding and approaches to autism, ensuring that girls receive the recognition and support they deserve. By acknowledging the unique presentation of autism in girls, we can pave the way for more inclusive and effective support systems that cater to the diverse needs of all individuals on the autism spectrum.
Taylour Arami is co-founder (alongside Amir Arami) of Verbal AUTISM and Verbal Academic Support, an educational app designed to support individuals with communication challenges. Her passion for enhancing the educational experiences of those on the autism spectrum and with similar needs is evident in her dedication to the app’s development and outreach. With a background in education and technology, Taylour brings a wealth of knowledge and insight to the team, ensuring that verbal apps remain at the forefront of educational innovation. Her expertise in curriculum design and instructional technology has been instrumental in creating an app that is user-friendly and impactful in its ability to tailor learning experiences to individual needs. Taylour advocates for educational equity, participating in discussions and initiatives that aim to provide equal opportunities for all learners, regardless of their communication abilities. As a credentialed Special Education teacher with an MEd in Special Education, Taylour’s influence in the field of educational technology and her unwavering support for the community she serves make her a respected figure and an inspirational leader. Verbal AUTISM provides a practical app that makes it easier for children with autism to speak and provides the tools needed to teach effectively. The app is available on the Apple App Store and Google Play Store
verbalautism.com
@verbal_autism
@verbal-autism
facebook.com/VerbalAutism
Empowering Women Caregivers: Rediscovering Joy Through Self-Care
By Nicole Dauz
Caregiving is challenging, often marked by emotional exhaustion, unpredictability, and the weight of responsibility. For women with a diagnosis and their caregivers, the concept of self-care can feel like an added burden rather than a reprieve. It’s not uncommon for caregivers to express frustration or even hatred toward the term "self-care." However, this resistance to self-care may be what stands between them and the relief they desperately need.
How do I know this? Because I experienced it personally during the early years of my caregiving journey.
Understanding the resistance to self-care
The intense emotions surrounding caregiving can be overwhelming. Caregivers often experience traumatic events and chronic stress, which linger in the body and mind. This emotional toll can foster anger and resentment, especially when hearing about self-care, which can seem trivial or unattainable in the face of their daily struggles.
Redefining self-care
My philosophy around self-care is that it’s anything that brings you joy. This perspective makes self-care accessible to everyone, regardless of their circumstances. My mission is to help caregivers regain control of their lives and rediscover the parts of themselves that may have been lost when they became caregivers. Self-care is an act of self-love, selfadvocacy, and self-empowerment. It is something we get to do and want to do, not another obligation to fulfill.
Addressing common barriers
Caregivers often share a lack of time, respite, money, or energy as barriers to practicing self-care. This is why it is crucial to adopt a flexible and personalized approach. There’s no right or wrong way to practice self-care, no judgment, and no
comparison. It is about finding what works for you, even if it means starting small. You can start with five minutes a day or 20 minutes a day.
Five tips for introducing daily self-care
1. Write yourself a love letter
Acknowledge your strengths and express gratitude for your efforts.
2. Make one small change to your daily eating habits
Add an extra vegetable to your meals.
3. Play your favorite music and dance
Allow yourself a few moments of joy and movement.
4. Go for a walk during your break or lunch
A brief walk can clear your mind and refresh your spirit.
5. Cuddle with a pet
Enjoy the unconditional love and comfort that pets provide.
Embracing impermanence
Life as a caregiver is unpredictable, and self-care plans can often be disrupted. Instead of succumbing to frustration and negative thoughts, embracing the principle of impermanence is essential. As Pema Chödrön said: “Impermanence is a principle of harmony. When we don’t struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality.”
Facing fear and finding joy
One client shared her initial hatred of self-care because she feared finding joy in an activity only to be unable to pursue it
consistently due to her daughter’s exceptional needs. This fear can keep us small and prevent us from seeking what we truly need. By acknowledging and addressing these emotions, we can begin to overcome the barriers to self-care and embrace the joy it brings.
Expanding your self-care toolkit
In addition to the five tips, consider incorporating mindfulness practices such as meditation or deep breathing exercises. These can be done in short bursts throughout the day and help you ground yourself amidst challenging times. Connecting with support groups in person or online can also provide emotional relief and a sense of community. Sharing your experiences and hearing others' stories can remind you that you are not alone.
Living a meaningful life
For caregivers, the focus is often on ensuring the person with the disability, diagnosis, or illness lives a meaningful life. However, caregivers also deserve to live meaningful lives. By redefining self-care and making it accessible, we can help caregivers find balance and joy amidst the challenges they face. Let’s work together to regain control of our thoughts, stories, attitudes, and, ultimately, our lives. Self-care is not just a luxury; it is a necessary component of a sustainable caregiving practice. By nurturing themselves, caregivers can better nurture those in their care, creating a healthier and more supportive environment for everyone involved.
Nicole Dauz is a self-care coach, speaker, and author who inspires others to find daily joy. She has encouraged thousands worldwide to prioritize self-care for better mental health and well-being.
Nicole has spoken at notable events, including the Autism Home Base caregiver retreat, CGD Association of America, Microsoft, and the Canadian Caregiving Summit. She uses humor and storytelling to promote well-being, drawing from her experience as a mother to a neurotypical son and an autistic daughter with a rare genetic disease.
Nicole is a Chopra-certified meditation teacher and blogs regularly at nicoledauz.com. Her first book, Self-care: From the Trenches…with Love, Humour & a Kick in the Pants, was published in November 2021.
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AMAZON Self-care: From the Trenches…with Love, Humour & a Kick in the Pants
Discovering My Spectrum: Late Autism Diagnosis and Advocacy
By Brittany Browne, BA, MS
The soft hum of the air conditioner was the only sound in the small, cozy office. Sunlight filtered through the blinds, casting a warm glow on the shelves lined with books. I sat on a long couch, my heart pounding as I waited for the neuropsychologist to speak. My husband was at home with our four children, managing the chaos and offering his silent support from afar.
Dr. Lisa Korey, a kind woman with gentle eyes and a calming presence, looked up from her notes. She took a deep breath and folded her hands on the desk. “Brittany,” she began, her voice steady yet compassionate, “after thoroughly reviewing your tests and evaluations, I can confirm that you are indeed autistic.”
The words hung in the air, echoing in my mind. I felt a rush of emotions—relief, confusion, fear, and, oddly, a sense of validation. Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my vision. I wished my husband were there to give my hand a reassuring squeeze, but I knew he was with me in spirit. He had been so sure, so convinced, and now here it was, the confirmation I had both dreaded and needed.
Dr. Korey continued—her tone gentle but firm. “I know this is a lot to take in. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed. But I want you to know that this diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. It’s simply a new lens through which to understand yourself and your experiences.”
I nodded, unable to find the words. Memories of my childhood, the confusion, and the feeling of being different all came rushing back. The sensory overloads, the social struggles, the constant need to mask my true self—they all made sense now. It was as if a missing puzzle piece had finally fallen into place.
“I’ve always felt... different,” I finally managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper. “But I never thought it was autism. I thought I was just...”
“Unique,” Dr. Korey finished for me, smiling kindly. “And you are. Autism doesn’t define you; it’s just a part of what makes you uniquely you.”
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart. “What now?” I asked, my voice trembling. “What do I do with this information?”
Dr. Korey leaned forward, her eyes meeting mine. “Now, we focus on understanding and embracing your neurodivergent traits. There are resources, therapies, and communities that can support you. You’re not alone in this, Brittany. This diagnosis is the beginning of a new journey, one where you can learn to thrive as your authentic self.”
As I left Dr. Korey’s office, I felt a mix of apprehension and hope. The road ahead seemed uncertain, but for the first time, I felt like I had a map. I wasn’t lost; I was finally found…
I never felt fully known and understood when growing up and into adulthood. I often felt that only one or two aspects of myself were fulfilled in any friendship. I am an athlete, an academic, an artist, a lover of culture and travel, and a deeply connected follower of Christ.
As an athlete, I excelled in volleyball, basketball, and soccer, earning numerous awards and being named “Most Athletic” in my senior class. I was often the first or second girl picked for kickball teams in elementary school, and I became the youngest varsity soccer captain in my school’s history at 14 years old. I thrived on the competitive challenges and enjoyed the camaraderie with my teammates.
Academically, I was among the top five students in my graduating class, even after skipping a grade in middle school. I graduated high school at 16, had two Bachelor’s degrees by 19, and completed my master’s at 22 from Georgia Tech. I thrived on academic challenges and had intelligent, well-spoken friends who shared my love for learning.
Creatively, I have always loved writing poetry and songs, singing, painting, and dancing. The emotional processing aspects of art and the communication of my inner world to the outer world through various mediums have always been important to me. I found solace and expression in these activities, often collaborating with my creative friends on artistic projects.
Culturally, I have always been drawn to travel and languages. I remember trying to pronounce words in Spanish as a child and spending hours looking at books about other countries. This passion led to one of my Bachelor’s degrees being in Spanish and my Master’s in International Affairs. I was in the minority as an American in my friend circle during college, surrounded by friends from various countries. Now, understanding my autism, I realize I found comfort in these diverse friendships because they, too, experienced being different.
Spiritually, I have always had a deep bond with God and others who feel God's presence strongly. I also believe in learning from other cultures and faiths and seeing truths our Western faith often ignores. This open-mindedness has enriched my spiritual journey and deepened my understanding of God.
Despite these diverse interests and achievements, I often felt misunderstood and disconnected. When I met my husband, I found someone who identified with me on every level. He, too, is athletic, intelligent, artistic, interested in different cultures and traveling, and has a deep relationship with God. He is my person, and our connection has been a cornerstone of my life.
A journey of understanding
The journey to understanding my potential autism diagnosis began with my husband’s suggestion. Initially, I was offended and resistant. However, as we navigated the neurodivergent journeys of our children, the reality of my own autism became
clearer. My second daughter exhibited sensory processing issues, and my oldest daughter showed social signs of autism alongside her ADHD diagnosis. Observing their struggles and recognizing similar patterns in myself led me to reconsider my neurodivergence.
My husband’s journey with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), where he embraced and actively sought ways to manage his condition, inspired me. He suggested I get re-evaluated for autism, this time with love and care. I realized that many of the stereotypes about autism did not align with the spectrum of what it means to be autistic. Watching and reading about the experiences of other late-diagnosed autistic females, I saw myself in their stories.
In December 2023, I was formally diagnosed with autism by a neuropsychologist specializing in ADHD and autism. The diagnosis brought initial grief but also clarity. Situations that were confusing or overwhelming now made sense. I started to understand my sensory overwhelm, gave myself the grace to rest more, and communicated my needs better.
Since my diagnosis, I have started to see my life through a new lens. Daily situations that once confused or overwhelmed me now make sense. Understanding my sensory overwhelm has allowed me to give myself the grace to rest more and to communicate my needs better. Sharing my diagnosis has been empowering, helping others to understand my experiences and offering me the grace and understanding I long needed.
My goal now is to shift mainstream perceptions of autism, particularly through my pageantry platform focused on neurodiversity awareness, with an emphasis on female autism. My journey in competing for Mrs. Georgia America has been a significant part of my story (to be shared at another time, dearest reader) as a late-diagnosed autistic female. Now, it allows me to showcase my advocacy publicly. I want people to realize that autism encompasses a broad spectrum. The adage from Dr. Stephen Shore, “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person,” is crucial. Everyone’s experience is unique, and inclusivity and understanding are paramount.
A key realization for me was that traits associated with autism and ADHD are amplified human traits. Everyone has socially awkward moments or feels overwhelmed at times, but for someone with autism, these experiences are more frequent and intense. Our brains are wired differently, and that’s not just okay—it’s part of the rich tapestry of human diversity. We can contribute immensely to the world when our environments are accommodating and understanding.
My husband and I are now dedicated to supporting neurodivergent individuals. We are developing therapy manuals, meditation audio files, psychedelic-assisted therapy programs, K-12 micro-schooling initiatives, and awareness campaigns for neurodivergent populations. Our work aims to help people see themselves as valuable and capable, not despite their differences but because of them.
The late diagnosis of autism in my generation highlights the critical need for more proactive identification and resources for the next generation of autistic adults. By recognizing and embracing our neurodivergent traits, we can achieve better mental health, self-care, and support for families and caretakers. It is essential to provide the next generation with the tools, understanding, and acceptance they need to thrive.
Everything we do now aims to support and uplift neurodivergent individuals. We are passionate about freeing people from the idea that they are less valuable due to their neurodivergent traits. We believe everyone can grow into the best, most authentic versions of themselves with the proper support and understanding. While we are still on this journey ourselves, we are eager to share our experiences and offer support to those who identify with our story. By doing so, we hope to foster a world where neurodiversity is accepted and celebrated.
Brittany Browne, BA, MS, is a dedicated wife, mother, and advocate for neurodiversity. She has a rich background as an athlete, academic, artist, and world traveler. Brittany's journey with autism and ADHD, both personally and within her family, has fueled her passion for raising awareness and support for neurodivergent individuals. Professionally, she cofounded Mind & Body Christian Health Group, where she integrates her extensive knowledge in mental health, physical wellness, and neurodiversity. With degrees in Spanish and International Affairs from Georgia Tech, Brittany combines her love for different cultures with her professional endeavors, offering a holistic approach to healthcare. As an active participant in the Mrs. Georgia America Pageant, Brittany uses her platform to promote Neurodiversity Awareness, with a specific focus on female autism. She is deeply involved in her community, volunteering for organizations like Rise Against Hunger and SERV International and leading medical missions to Honduras with Excel Global Outreach. Brittany and her husband, Brandon, are parents to neurodivergent children, which has inspired their work in developing therapy manuals, meditation audio files, and educational programs for neurodivergent populations. Outside of her professional and advocacy work, Brittany enjoys spending time with her family, being in nature, archery, volleyball, creating digital art, and learning to play the violin.
✉ brittany@mindandbodygroup.com
Overcoming Neurodiverse Struggles with Anxiety, Angry Outbursts, and Meltdowns
By Sarah Casburn, RHN, RNCP, CNE
We may face many challenges in the neurodiverse and exceptional needs community. In recent years, conversations have been more inclusive of mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression with less stigma; however, there is still a hidden shame that many of us carry around, desperate to keep in the shadows…losing control of our emotions with angry outbursts or meltdowns, and at times, even aggression either towards others or ourselves, sometimes even daily.
In fact, it seems to be one of the best-kept secrets, not just from society in general but within our own community as well, except when they spill out into social situations as children or even in our adult years, often resulting in shocked, hurt, or judgmental glances from others.
The consequences are vast, including the relentless frustration of being unable to prevent that “out of control” feeling, even with the best intentions. Resources like anger management, breathing exercises, and psychotherapy are often ineffective for us, resulting in being even more hopeless, especially if unsuccessful with medication or feeling the pressure to go in that direction as the only viable option.
There’s also the inevitable strain on relationships that can break under that pressure, leading to emotional pain on both sides of the relational coin at any age, including siblings, parents/caregivers, and friends.
• As a neurodiverse woman, I have lived this.
• My neurodiverse children have lived this.
• Many of my neurodiverse clients have lived this.
It can sometimes leave you feeling “defective,” that there’s no help and, therefore, no hope. Hopelessness can lead to dark thoughts, and too many in our community have endured for decades or, worse, had tragic ends to their journey.
Admittedly, I’ve held my own neurodiverse struggles with overwhelm, meltdowns, and angry outbursts towards my closest loved ones at times. I’ve dipped into dangerous territory by blowing past anxiety and masking due to social pressures into a clinical depression that was without reprieve from mainstream intervention.
I once stood on the outside looking in at this issue for little ones when I was a naïve, inexperienced, twenty-something autism therapist in a prominent children’s hospital over 15 years ago (before my diagnosis). For a short time, I was in the field of my graduate studies. I was the recipient of many client aggressions during Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy, which triggered my trauma and quickly led to burnout, which would not be ignored. I have since been whisked away on an unexpected journey as a mother, returning me to this challenge that would inevitably lead me into a second career specializing in the very area that had me pack up my autism therapy bags
to begin with.
One of our beloved daughters, who was diagnosed with autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), and anxiety, required extensive help in this area. Her severe emotional dysregulation led to 45-minute meltdowns daily, often several times a day. Those episodes included the destruction of personal property, as well as serious aggression towards other household family members and pets. Trigger warning…at times, I would be approached by my preschooler with a steak knife in hand paired with a death threat, and other times, our cat would be thrown down the stairs, followed by a laugh. If I were to break down and cry after being punched in the face or bit on the arm where an instant bruise was formed, I would be met with more aggression or a complete lack of remorse. I was at a complete loss.
ABA didn’t help. Occupational therapy didn’t help. Fidgets didn’t help. Breathing techniques were futile. A converted basement sensory room didn’t help. Dance Movement Therapy didn’t help. Karate didn’t help …. and on and on and on.
Between her medical issues from birth and these regulation challenges, we were in crisis for six long years. Regional Crisis Intervention fell short in both attempts. It took its toll on our marriage and our other daughter. Our family and friends around us were distant. It was hopeless that I could ever help any of us.
We are often given anti-depressants and mood stabilizers to control this area. We were offered an anti-psychotic drug for our daughter at age four, as our pediatrician was concerned she would end up with Conduct Disorder, living in a group home as an adult without having this medication, and I’ve been on and off many medications without success. Though this is more common than we realize and may or may not work in the short or long term, there is little discussion or education around credible complementary or alternative options.
Both for my family and in my private practice, I’m a massive proponent of determining the underlying and contributing mechanisms for challenges to find strategies that support longterm change rather than band-aid solutions that are ineffective or potentially harmful.
Our paths to surviving and thriving
We eventually found not one but several effective paths to survival and thriving in ways I could only have imagined.
Gut-brain health
We learned that probiotics help support our gut microbiome, which makes most of our happy chemical—serotonin (surprisingly, it’s not made primarily in the brain!). Transitioning into using vitamin D and methylated forms of vitamins and avoiding synthetic forms found in enriched
foods has surprisingly had a significant positive impact on our cognition, mood, and other functions. I can even tell if she’s had her methylated children’s multivitamin within 20 minutes!
I cannot overstate how helpful changing our dietary intake to avoid foods that increase gut and brain inflammation using a bio-medical anti-inflammatory diet has been to support this as well. It’s likely one of the most challenging but important ways to progress here. The gut-brain connection is gaining more attention these days as plenty of research is pouring in showing the links with mental health. I strongly encourage you to explore this area as an anchor.
Making different lifestyle choices and limiting our environmental exposures that increase hormone disruption, which in turn affects mood, has also been helpful. These pieces, along with creating boundaries from unrealistic societal expectations to fit into a world that doesn’t account for our way of looking at or navigating life, can all play into whether we make gains or lose ground in the battle of emotions and stress resiliency.
There are three additional “keys” that unlocked our family’s success.
Most recently, we have discovered that all four of us have upper cervical subluxations (misalignments) at the top of our spine (called the atlas) where our head connects, which results in pressure on our brain stem and spinal cord. As you can imagine, there would be significant implications for our cognition, mood, and nervous system function. We also learned a correlation between this brain stem pressure and autism symptoms, which is improved with this type of unique, measured, and gentle adjustments over time (not your typical chiropractic
“popcorn” cracking). He explained that this misalignment and injury can occur from birth, which is quite common. Finding a chiropractor specializing in Upper Cervical care has benefited us, as traditional chiropractic and osteopathic adjustments were ineffective. We began seeing improvements in mood in the first week, which was very encouraging. No wonder our daughter was having such a hard time; we were always on her last nerve as her (and my) fight or flight never turned off! If we had had assessments years prior, perhaps her (and our) quality of life would have been much higher.
Key two: Addressing mouth-breathing
Another significant support that we have been engaging in is addressing her mouth-breathing. It was identified during a speech assessment when she was younger and led to her having her tonsils removed as they were significantly enlarged. Though her snoring subsided, her sleep screaming and night waking didn’t resolve.
It wasn’t until we saw a holistic dental hygienist who referred us to an incredible holistic dentist that we began an adventure down myo-functional supports. We learned the connection between mouth-breathing and lowered oxygen intake, which impacts brain function and, in turn, mood. She advised that it can also affect muscle tone in the face, reducing speech development as well as impairing her sleep quality, which can contribute to her mood and behavior issues. We have been in specialized functional orthodontic care for over a year to help our daughter. While it hasn’t always been physically or financially comfortable, the change has been notable and valuable for her long-term health and development. This is another area I strongly recommend looking into as an underlying contributor to emotional regulation for all ages.
The Master Key: Sensory Enrichment Therapy
Lastly, there is one exciting “Master Key” that has taken me into new professional territory.
Just as we had heartbreakingly waived the white flag with ABA, the gold standard in our area for supporting autism, and we were seemingly out of options, I received a call that would change our family’s life. We were given the opportunity to take part in a program I’d never heard of that made some impressive claims about the help it could offer, which we were so desperately seeking.
We were told it would boost development by activating neuroplasticity, a built-in mechanism of the brain to grow and reorganize its structure while retaining its unique personality. The program could potentially improve areas we hoped to progress in, such as communication, learning, memory, attention/focus, eating, sleep, self-awareness, and motor skills. The pieces that spoke to me the most were the promises to help my daughter’s sensory processing, social skills, behavior, and mood, including anxiety.
The program is called Sensory Enrichment Therapy. It’s an evidence-based, clinically validated neuroscience established over 30 years ago. The therapy is based on protocols adapted from research in the field of Environmental Enrichment in the 1960s, similar to the work of Dr. Temple Grandin, a well-known member of our autism community who has made significant strides with enrichment and welfare in animals.
This approach originated in France and then came to America, where it was used in hospitals, daycares, and schools. It is now an online program that assigns custom-made worksheets of brain-boosting sensory exercises, delivered worldwide for parents and caregivers of all ages to use in the comfort of their own homes, at their own convenience.
Not only was a referral or diagnosis not required, which is hard to come by, but there was no waitlist, and it was significantly less than the typical cost for autism therapy.
In only five to ten minutes each day, using simple household items, we would stimulate our daughter’s brain in specific areas based on her developmental readiness, which is determined by online brain profile assessments every 14 days. This would allow us to efficiently and effectively focus our efforts exactly where she needed them at the right time rather than just building general skill sets based on age or arbitrary goals.
I was assured I wouldn’t be in this venture alone, as they regularly provided me with certified support. If she didn’t like an activity or couldn’t perform it the way the instructions or demonstration video depicted, they would help me modify it so that it was still effective and more comfortable for her or completely replace it with an alternative. Plus, if all else fails, the program has a 30-day money-back guarantee, which is unheard of in therapy! It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Not only did we see improvements in the areas of promise, but we also made more progress in the first two weeks than I thought we would throughout the program!
In fact, after those two weeks, we couldn’t remember the last meltdown she’d had!
My long-held dreams had finally come true. Not only did we see gains in eating, bedtime, communication, behavior, and more, but my precious daughter had found emotional regulation in the blink of an eye. But how could this have happened so fast? How was this different from all the other options available?
Not too long after our success, I discovered that my professional credentials qualified me to become a certified provider. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be a beacon of hope for other families, especially those in crisis!
Through that training, I understood that the program has an inherent power to boost neurotransmitters. Usually, smelling a scent or touching a pleasant texture on their own can double dopamine or other happy chemicals. When they are combined, they can increase by 300-400%! Even more impressive is that research shows the elevation in levels from this brief interaction can sometimes last for over an hour!
It makes sense now why her mood was one of the first things to improve. It’s pretty hard to be miserable when you have so much happiness!
Even some of the combinations of activities have a natural ability to increase stress tolerance and
Over the years of becoming a provider for this approach, it has been my great pleasure to support families across Canada and the United States with not just children but also adults with varying emotional challenges, such as surviving trauma, including human trafficking, adults with exceptionalities, and even neurodiverse couples for relationship support. This program has also found success in supporting ADHD, Tourette’s, seizures, FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), Down syndrome, adults with addiction, and seniors with cognitive decline such as dementia.
Though we didn’t do any of the approaches discussed here perfectly, and none of us have arrived at 100% reprieve from emotional challenges because we are still human, these supports have helped vastly improve our quality of life. I no longer fear for our future, and our relationships have grown closer than ever before.
Final thoughts
I desire to share our journey with you so that you may broaden your horizons and have other possible options to approach this area with fresh hope. If you or someone you love of any age for any reason struggles with emotional regulation, angry outbursts, meltdowns, self-harm, or aggression, know that you are not alone, and there is help. With my professional and personal experience, it would be my pleasure to journey with you to places you only dream of.
Sarah Casburn founded Crown Family Wellness, a virtual private practice serving Canada and the USA, focusing on neuroscience and nutrition programs for neurodiversity of all ages. She has over the last 30 years of experience working in Early Childhood Education, Autism & Behavioral Science, Sensory Enrichment Therapy, and most recently as a Registered Holistic Nutritionist.
Irecently returned to an area I had been away from for over 20 years and decided to re-learn my way around by checking out all the independent bookstores. During one of my stops, I picked up a book entitled Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The author is Shasta Nelson, who founded Girlfriend and Girlfriend Circles. I took the book home, thinking it might provide suggestions for making new friends and connecting with past ones. But as I read its pages, it hit me that this book would be perfect for girls, teens, ladies, or women on the autism spectrum. Wow.
From the very first pages, I agreed with the author. I, as the author states, am outgoing and have had some long-term friendships, but suddenly, I was in a new city without a group of friends with whom to connect. So, I needed some extra wisdom on how to connect again. I did not want to feel alone.
I am sharing some of the wisdom I gained from the book in hopes that it will inspire teachers, speech therapists, parents, self-advocates, and others committed to helping women on the spectrum develop friendships. So, if someone you know has some sense of loneliness or not feeling connected, perhaps some of these thoughts and ideas could help.
1. Research tells us that having friends brings happiness. It suggests that these connections help us develop better health and success. So, find those research articles and perhaps share them. Especially if your friend is anxious about forming friendships or questions the purpose, show her that the research says supportive friendships apparently lower our stress, help us reach our goals, and may even prevent disease.
2. Please ensure you communicate that making friends is not always easy. Developing friendships takes time.
3. Point out that there are different kinds of friends. Perhaps make a list of your very own friends and talk about how each is a different kind of friend (see #4 and #5). For example, some friends we see due to shared interests; perhaps they attend classes with us, or we see them in church or at the gym. The author says they can be defined as Contact Friends or Community Friends once we spend more time with them.
4. Common Friends develop out of our contact friends. Maybe someone we see at the gym or church or someone taking a class asks us to have a drink before or after or share a meal afterward. We begin to share more of ourselves with these common friends. We feel more connected to these women.
5. Then there are committed friends. We share our feelings with them. We make time for these women in our lives. They are in our daily lives. These friends remain consistent, no matter what. They are the highest level of friendships.
We can also have confirmed friends with whom we share a history, but the connection is inconsistent. They are not in our daily lives.
6. Perhaps it could help if you developed a social story Home - Carol Gray - Social Stories (carolgraysocialstories.com) about the different types of friends, read it with them, and talk about the story.
7. Then, try to identify whether they feel alone. Are they sitting alone every night watching videos, playing games on the screen, or reading book after book? Are they sad or depressed? Do they feel left out? Talk about the idea of developing friendships.
8. Shasta Nelson believes that we must develop “frientimacy.” This is when we establish consistent intimacy with someone. She discusses her five stages of frientimacy. Curiosity is the first. Our shared interests, enthusiasm, and curiosities lead us to potential friends. Exploration is the next. We commit to spending time with the person. We must show up consistently. Familiarity is third. It takes time to become comfortable with someone. This takes us sharing our thoughts, feelings, and interests. Next is vulnerability. We must be okay with connecting even when feeling sad, anxious, or frightened. We must be okay with making mistakes in front of this person. We must be willing to be imperfect with this person. Frientimacy then arrives. This is when you trust the other person. Each listens to the other. This is when you continue to show up/be there for the other person. This is when each celebrates the other.
9. Make a list of all their interests and curiosities. Then, have them research local events that match their interests. Help them commit to saying yes to attending these events, parties, and gatherings so they can meet new people.
10. If they don’t have a hobby, help them try to develop one from their list of interests. For example, if they enjoy reading, teach them to look for a book club to join.
11. Talk to them about exploring whether their religious practices align with a center that hosts events. Encourage them to attend an event a few times to experience how it feels and to see the types of people who also attend.
12. Do any of their interests align with volunteering opportunities in their community? Here, they can meet other volunteers with similar interests and begin to develop some common friendships.
13. If they have a dog, perhaps heading to a dog park to meet other dog owners could inspire a friendship. Once again, be sure they go to the park often to see people using it more consistently.
14. If they enjoy a specific topic, taking a class or workshop can open doors to friendships.
15. Perhaps they never met the neighbors. Maybe you might support making cookies or holiday bread and taking it to the neighbors. Help make an introduction. Later, they might do a backyard neighbor gathering and get to know what interests the neighbors might have. Friendships could develop from neighborhood get-togethers.
My favorite is locating the perfect coffee house to frequent. I repeatedly find that if I go to my local coffee house at least three days a week, I begin to see others who love the café and consistently stay and read, write, or work on a computer. Eventually, our eyes meet, hellos start, and discussions about what someone reads, writes, or attends to on the computer develop. Eventually, stories about who they are and who I am take place. The same can happen if you have a local bookstore that puts on reading nights. If they love to read, then bookstore reading events could be another way to meet other book lovers and develop some common friends. Maybe they like to play Bingo. Perhaps the church has a Bingo Night. Then, they can meet other BINGO lovers.
So, if you are a girl who just wants to make friends, try some of the above recommendations.
Karen Kaplan, MS, is a native San Franciscan. She completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in speech pathology and audiology at Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona. She minored in special education and obtained her speech therapist and special education credentials in California. Karen worked as a speech therapist for schools for 20 years before opening her own residential and education program for students with autism. She worked in credential programs at Sacramento State University as well as UC Davis and spent 20 years directing private schools for those with autism and similar learning challenges.
Karen founded a non-profit, Offerings, which helps cultures globally to understand those with developmental challenges. For seven years, she founded and facilitated an autism lecture series and resource fair in Northern California. Karen still facilitates an annual Autism Awesomeness event. She is currently consulting and helping families, schools, and centers for children, teens, and adults. Karen has authored three books: Reach Me Teach Me: A Public School Program for the Autistic Child; A Handbook for Teachers and Administrators, On the Yellow Brick Road: My Search for Home and Hope for the Child with Autism, and Typewriting to Heaven…and Back: Conversations with My Dad on Death, Afterlife and Living (which is not about autism but about having important conversations with those we love).
The Inland Empire Autism Assessment Center of Excellence (AAC) is a non‐profit, evaluation‐only center that provides a singular solution to a multi‐specialty evaluation process.
We provide the “Gold Standard” in Comprehensive Diagnostic Evaluations for autism and other neurodevelopmental disorders through a transdisciplinary team of experts in the fields of neurology, neuropsychology, occupational therapy, and speech and language pathology. We’re a trusted resource for thousands of caregivers and hundreds of physicians for children with medical, behavioral, sensory, social, or other complexities.
SELF-LOVE, HEALING & NEURODIVERGENCE
POEMS OF THE NEURODIVERGENT EXPERIENCE AND
By Jacklyn Pensiero
aclyn Pensiero is an autistic adult who received a late diagnosis at the age of 24. Despite constantly feeling different, she struggled to understand the reasons behind it for many years. However, in the past year, her deep dive into learning about autism spectrum disorder has provided her with the tools to articulate her complex emotions. Through her poetry, she found solace during difficult times and finally managed to express the confusion that has persisted throughout her life. By sharing her collection of poems, she aims to create a sense of belonging for others, making them feel less alone and encouraging them to process their emotions. Explore a poignant collection of poems that vividly portrays the author's journey as an autistic individual, delving into the depths of emotions with authenticity and resonance. Her first poetry book, poems of the neurodivergence experience, was released in July 2023, just a few months after receiving her diagnosis. Jaclyn is very active on TikTok and has several accounts. Her @patnjac account features awareness for ARFID and her new boyfriend, the love of her life, trying new foods. Patrik is also on the spectrum.
Her second poetry book, self-love, healing & neurodivergence, was released in March 2024. It is a compelling tapestry of poetry that delves deep into the heart of what it means to find oneself after the storm of a toxic relationship. This second selfpublished collection by the author is not just a journey—it's a revelation, exploring the intricate dance between embracing one's neurodivergent identity and navigating the path to selflove and healing in the aftermath of heartbreak.
Through the raw power of verse, the author shares their personal odyssey of transformation, charting the course from
pain and confusion to a place of strength and clarity. Each poem serves as a milestone in the author's journey, reflecting the unique challenges and insights that come with viewing the world through a neurodivergent lens. It celebrates the resilience required to rebuild one's sense of self when the maps of conventional love and relationships do not align with one's own compass.
This collection is an invitation to all who have felt the sting of loss, the isolation of being misunderstood, and the longing for a love that honors their whole being. It is a testament to the power of self-compassion and the importance of honoring our individual paths to healing. With vulnerability and grace, Jaclyn’s books offer solace, understanding, and hope to anyone on the journey toward healing and self-discovery. The book is entirely true, as creative nonfiction must be. Told from the perspective of speech/language pathologist and autism consultant Elizabeth Ives Field, with input and editing from the now-adult Sam and his supportive parents, it weaves the story of their neurodivergent and neurotypical collaboration with the themes of highly individualized education, the consequences of anxiety, and the benefits of acceptance, trust, innovation, patience, and humor.
10 Ways to Empower Young Women on the Spectrum
By Jenilee Goodwin, Professional Life/Neurodiversity Coach
Asa mom to three young adult women on the spectrum, I have a deep passion for empowering women as they navigate neurodiversity in whatever way it is a part of their story.
For some women, they are experiencing the impact in their marriage.
For some women, they are walking a journey of neurodiversity with their kids.
Some women are teachers, helpers, and counselors who work with women, diagnosed and undiagnosed, as they learn, grow, and accept neurodiversity in their lives.
For some women reading, this is you. You are on the spectrum.
However, you’re landing on this topic today; empowering women on the spectrum is an important topic at this moment.
Women long into adulthood are discovering that some of the challenges they’ve faced in friendships, relationships, parenting, anxiety, senses, and learning have all been brought together under the umbrella of the neurodiverse spectrum.
They are learning about slow processing, sensory processing, dysregulation, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, rigid thinking, and spatial difficulties. They also learn a new vocabulary for thoughts, feelings, and needs.
For my girls during early childhood, I’d always wondered if neurodiversity was part of their neurology. I didn’t have the vocabulary, education, or experience to know what I was seeing. Still, I did know I was seeing something different about how they played, interacted, learned, and discovered.
Over the years, I have talked to pediatricians and educational psychologists who firmly told me that my girls couldn’t possibly be on the spectrum because of their excellent communication skills and eye contact.
That was until my middle daughter was 18 years old, taking a psychology college class and telling me that, from her reading about autism, she was indeed on the spectrum. That realization took us again to a new educational psychologist who walked the girls through the complete diagnostic testing to find autism and ADHD. My girls were all on the spectrum.
Yet, the discovery journey helped us understand that they’re all in different places on the spectrum. The neurodiversity picture is a different blend for each of them. It is the same spectrum but with different words, needs, feelings, and challenges.
In motherhood, it takes sensing what is needed at that moment, how much to push, where the meltdowns and shutdowns happen, and how to encourage, help, and guide while also allowing them space, time, and growth opportunities. There are things that I want them to know and take with them into adulthood.
I want them to feel empowered, supported and loved no matter what comes their way.
Ten things I want my girls to know:
1. Neurodiversity has been hard, is hard, and will continue to be hard
Being a woman on the spectrum is difficult, tiring, and requires so much from you. Some days, it’s just very, very hard. The traits you hold with your place on the spectrum are real and full of challenges. There’s a reason this is hard.
2. With help, community, and support, it won’t be as hard
You’ll need to let people come around you and support you in your home, work, and play. Never believe the lie that you’re alone in this. You’re not alone. Hold onto a healthy, good community and allow them to support you however they can. If you don’t have this community of supportive people, it’s worth expending the energy to find them.
3. Keep learning and grow your emotional intelligence
As you age, the vocabulary to understand your place on the spectrum is vital. You must keep learning so that you have the words to advocate for yourself, share with close friends, explain relationships, and even just help
yourself know what you’re experiencing and feeling. Grow your emotional intelligence. Allow feedback. Stay self-aware. Get a coach. Keep learning about autism and neurodiversity so that you can find support, describe your needs, and help others on their journey.
4. Remember, you’re strong
You really are a mighty force. You’ve gotten to adulthood by putting one foot in front of the other, staying in the process of growth, making mistakes, being misunderstood, and pushing for the right help and accommodations. That takes incredible strength. It also takes strength to push back on isolation and allow people into your story. It takes energy and communication to allow me to talk with you, ask questions, advocate for you, and challenge you to keep moving forward.
5. It’s okay to do what you need to do
When you’re tired, it’s okay alright to leave the party. When you’re overwhelmed, putting in earbuds and checking out for a bit is okay. When you’re overstimulated, asking for a quiet place to rest is fine. When you have a job, asking for accommodations will help you thrive in that workspace, which is okay. When you have a roommate, a family, get married, and stay single… whatever you choose to do, it’s good to speak up, challenge normal, ask for what you need, and make the best decisions for you.
6. It’s okay to need help
Call me. When adulting is hard, or when you just can’t make that phone call or need to talk through a needed email communication, I’m here. Ask for help. Call grandma. Talk to your boss. Ask a friend. Even when you feel like you have to ask numerous times for help to understand or figure out what to do next, keep asking for help.
You must keep learning so that you have the words to advocate for yourself, share with close friends, explain relationships, and even just help yourself know what you’re experiencing and feeling.
7. It’s okay to say no
Even if you already said yes, you have permission to change your mind. It’s okay to reevaluate, pull back, call it quits, let go, change direction, slow the pace, or make a new plan. And it’s definitely okay to just say no, even if the expected answer is yes.
8. You’re not failing
I know that it can often feel like you’re failing. Things seem easier, faster, more manageable, and more doable for other women around you. It seems like they can do all the things and not get so tired. They can remember and understand. They can keep up, but you’re just so tired of feeling like you’re failing. But you’re not failing. You’re working within a different set of boundaries and rules for your brain and your nervous system. Your pace, senses, abilities, and biology are different from theirs. It's not bad or broken, just more challenging and different from a neurotypical friend, coworker, or family member. On the hardest days, you’re not failing.
9. Just keep trying
Yes, you might have to take that driving test twice because of spatial differences. You might need to apply for more jobs because interviews are incredibly challenging. You might need an answer key, more time on a test, or an hour of YouTube to unwind. Just keep trying and moving forward. Take one step, one day, and one challenge at a time, and remember all the points above this one. Ask for help; it’s okay to say no, keep learning, and you’re so strong through it all.
10. Do your thing
Wear the fun colors, get the cute hairstyle, sing loud, dance out the crazy, mismatch your socks, geek out in Legos or trains or Manga, info dump on a friend, cut out the itchy tags, find the shoes that feel the best, discover that weird noise and turn it off… you have an interesting set of needs that don’t always feel like they fit in the world around you. But you can do your thing. Yes, sometimes you must mask, blend, and fit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do your thing most of the time. Let the mask down and bounce on the yoga ball to work out the buzzing feeling while sorting your jewelry and drinking sweet tea. Do your thing.
For the girls and women reading this who are on the spectrum, hang on to these things. Hold these phrases close on the days you wonder if you fit, whether you can do it, and if you can keep going strong.
For the mothers reading this, you might need this list, too. Read these empowering things for yourself.
I love working with and coaching women on the spectrum and women raising women on the spectrum. In coaching, we can work through spectrum impact and resource you in your unique story.
Do you need the vocabulary for what you’re experiencing in your personal life, family, or marriage? Do you need to find a supportive community that understands? Do you need some help? I’m here to help.
Jenilee Goodwin, a certified professional life and neurodiversity coach, is a mom to three young adult women on the spectrum. She has a special place in her heart for moms of kids on the spectrum and for women who are going through the difficulties of spectrum marriage. In coaching with Jenilee, you can share every single page of your story. With over 20 years of neurodiverse parenting and marriage experience, Jenilee brings education, problem-solving skills, compassionate support, and creativity into each coaching session. She'll ask the hard questions while listening, guiding, and coaching clients in their unique life situations. For fun, Jenilee loves reading, writing, coffee, going for walks, and watching history documentaries.
Empowering Women on the Spectrum Through Proper Identification and Diagnosis
By Stephanie C. Holmes, EdD
In the field of neurodiversity, the focus often leans towards male presentations of autism, especially in couples where the husband is on the spectrum and the wife is not. This common portrayal has overshadowed the experiences of women on the autism spectrum, who are frequently misdiagnosed or diagnosed later in life. Women must be far more symptomatic or experiencing higher life distress before an autism diagnosis is considered.
Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht, a clinician and advocate on the spectrum, has written about the historical gender bias in autism diagnosis, a bias that continues to impact many women today. Historically, autism has been perceived as a predominantly male condition. Criteria and symptom norms have primarily relied on male presentations, which have become stereotypes of autism over time. Dr. Engelbrecht notes that males were diagnosed at significantly higher ratios than females, with past estimates suggesting a 10:1 ratio. However, recent research has adjusted this ratio to approximately 4:1, with some estimates suggesting it could be as close as 3:1 or even 3:4. This shift reflects a growing recognition of diagnostic gender bias and the need for a more nuanced understanding of autism in women.
Proper diagnosis is crucial for empowering women on the spectrum. It opens doors to support, understanding, and resources that can significantly improve their quality of life and relationships. Misdiagnosis or late diagnosis often results in unnecessary suffering and missed opportunities for effective support. Awareness and education about the unique presentation of autism in women are essential for clinicians, educators, marriage counselors, and coaches.
The unique female autism phenotype
One significant factor contributing to the underdiagnosis of women on the spectrum is their ability to camouflage or (unknowingly) mask autistic traits and mimic traits of peers. Women may mask their symptoms, enabling them to navigate social and professional environments more effectively than their male counterparts. Masking is described as exhausting by autistic individuals and can lead to burnout. Their special or passionate interests tend to be deemed less “quirky” by neurotypicals and more socially acceptable, further complicating the diagnostic process. As a result, women typically receive a diagnosis later in life, often after enduring years of misdiagnoses and professional or relational misunderstandings.
Research by Dr. William Carroll and others has identified distinct characteristics of the female autism phenotype. Women on the spectrum may exert considerable effort to appear neurotypical or try to fit in socially. This effort can lead to internalizing difficulties, such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. Additionally, women may display different social behaviors, maintain more friendships, and show greater social capacity than men on the spectrum. Dr.
Carroll's research, which involved interviews with non-autistic sisters of autistic females, revealed common themes. These included higher social conflict due to black-and-white thinking, relationally focused special interests or interests in animals, the humanities, or matters of social justice, and a strong motivation for social interaction. These findings underscore the need for a diagnostic approach that accounts for the unique presentation of what Dr. Carroll refers to in his research as the female autism phenotype.
Relationships and neurodiversity
The dynamics of neurodiverse relationships can vary significantly depending on whether one or both partners are on the spectrum. Research by Professor Tony Attwood and Dr. Michelle Garnett suggests that autistic women may find compatibility with autistic partners, allowing for more authentic interactions without the need for masking and mutual understanding of sensory profiles. This can lead to higher marital satisfaction and a more supportive relationship environment. However, relationships between autistic women and non-autistic partners can also have unique strengths. Non-autistic partners who are supportive, understanding, and accommodating can create a safe and nurturing environment for their autistic partners. These relationships benefit from mutual respect and a willingness to adapt to each other's needs.
For many women, living with undiagnosed autism can be a journey fraught with misunderstanding, misdiagnosis, and, often, an undercurrent of pervasive vulnerability. One particularly troubling aspect of this vulnerability is the heightened risk of falling into abusive relationships. Undiagnosed autism in females can increase susceptibility to childhood and adolescent bullying and, in adulthood, professional and relational abuse.
Increased vulnerability to abuse
Several factors contribute to this increased risk:
1. Low self-esteem and self-worth
Constantly trying to conform to societal expectations and masking their true selves can erode an autistic woman's self-esteem. This diminished sense of self-worth can make it easier for abusers to manipulate and control them.
2. Desire for acceptance and belonging
The intense longing to fit in and be accepted can lead autistic women to ignore red flags in relationships. They might stay in abusive situations, fearing isolation or the loss of social connections.
3. Communication challenges
Difficulty in understanding social cues and navigating complex interpersonal dynamics can make autistic women more susceptible to emotional and psychological manipulation by abusers who exploit these vulnerabilities. Many females on the spectrum may also experience selective mutism or inability to speak under stress or anxiety, which can be exploited or misunderstood as aloof or rude.
Advocating for change
To mitigate the risks faced by undiagnosed autistic women, several steps can be taken, as outlined below.
1. Improving diagnostic criteria and identification
The medical, clinical, and educational community must continue to refine and expand diagnostic criteria to capture the female presentation of autism better. This includes training clinicians to recognize the subtler signs of autism in women or the female autism phenotype.
2. Education and awareness
Increasing awareness about the unique challenges faced by autistic women can help reduce stigma and promote understanding. Public education campaigns to reduce the stigma surrounding autism/neurodiversity and targeted resources can empower women to seek diagnosis and support.
3. Support networks
Building robust support networks for autistic women, including peer support groups and counseling services, can provide a safe space for sharing experiences and receiving guidance. Many states have increased resources for children and families who have early diagnosis, but support and resources for adults on the spectrum are woefully behind and lacking. Some still wrongly believe that because autism falls under developmental delay or disorder, somehow, the individual will catch up or become “less autistic” in adulthood.
Constantly trying to conform to societal expectations and masking their true selves can erode an autistic woman's self-esteem.
4. Empowerment through diagnosis
Encouraging women who suspect they might be on the spectrum to seek diagnosis can be life-changing. A diagnosis can provide clarity, validation, and access to support and resources.
From mom to advocate to researcher
This topic is passionate to me personally because of the pushback and difficulty experienced when, 20 years ago, my daughter received an Asperger’s (now Autism Level 1) diagnosis. While things are slowly improving for the identification of women, many female clients on the spectrum were not as fortunate to get the early-in-life diagnosis. Because my daughter finally received the diagnosis after two years of searching for answers, she was eligible for support in the educational system and counseling. This was a difficult fight as clinicians and educators were stuck on the male presentation and autism stereotypes. Even with her diagnosis, she was vulnerable in her adolescent years to bullying and abusive relationships.
As she entered college and was one time considering a teaching degree, she self-identified as autistic to a professor with a PhD in Education who was teaching future teachers about autism in the classroom. The professor told my daughter, “If you were on the autism spectrum, you would not be able to be here in college.” As she tried to advocate that IQ and the spectrum were not the same, the professor’s opinion would not budge. Antiquated teaching models and what educators are taught about autism are also woefully out of touch and out of date.
Today, my daughter has completed graduate school and is working in her field of study (history/museum studies). She recently married a wonderful, caring husband. It was beneficial for them to get coaching for their relationship before engagement to discuss expectations of marriage as a neurodiverse couple.
Our family wrote about our autism diagnoses and journey in Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey. Our family book is the first of its kind to incorporate all four family members' perspectives: my oldest daughter’s autism journey, my youngest daughter's attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) identification, and my husband’s later-in-life autism diagnosis. Our second book in progress to be published by Morgan James Publishing, Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of Neurodiverse
Marriage Autism- Faith- Marriage, is the first of its kind as a book based on research, discussing different types of neurodiverse couples with contributing authors including my husband and I’s story with several stories and practical tips for those navigating a neurodiverse marriage.
References
Autism Spectrum Resources for Marriage and Family Podcast (2023). Interviews with autistic women. What you need to understand about women on the spectrum. Guest Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht. Found at https:// www.spreaker.com/episode/what-you-need-to-understand-aboutwomen-on-the-autism-spectrum-with-dr-natalie-engelbrecht--52524535
Autism Spectrum Resources for Marriage and Family Podcast (2023). Interviews with autistic women. Autism in Heels with Guest Jennifer Cook. Found at https://www.spreaker.com/episode/autism-in-heels-withjennifer-cook--52723303
Attwood, T., & Garnett, M. (n.d.). Autistic women in couple relationships. Retrieved from https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/autistic-women-incouple-relationships/
Bargiela, S., Steward, R., & Mandy W. (2016). The experiences of latediagnosed women with autism spectrum conditions: An investigation of the female autism phenotype. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46, 3281-3294.
Carroll, W. (2021). Sister to sister: A phenomenological study of women’s experiences of having a sister with autism spectrum disorder based on the female autism phenotype. [Dissertation Research]
Engelbrecht, N. (2023). The autism sex ratio. Paper retrieved at https:// embrace-autism.com/the-autism-sex-ratio/
Holmes, S., Holmes, D., Holmes, S., & Homes, E. (2023). Embracing the autism spectrum: Finding hope and joy navigating the neurodiverse family journey. Book Baby.
Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., and Mandy, W. (2020). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: A narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 7, 306-317.
Loomes, R., Hull, L., Mandy, W. (2017). What is the male-to-female ratio in autism spectrum disorder? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 56(6), 466-474
McCrossin, R. (2022). Finding the true number of females with autistic spectrum disorder by estimating the biases in initial recognition and clinical diagnosis. Children, 9(2), 272.
Whyte, E. M., & Scherf, K. S. (2018). Gaze following is related to the broader autism phenotype in a sex-specific way: Building the case for distinct male and female autism phenotypes. Clinical Psychological Science, 6(2), 280–287. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F2167702617738380
Wiley, LH. (2011) Safety Skills for Asperger Women: How to Save a Perfectly Good Female Life. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, BCCC, is a former LPC, educator, researcher, author, and certified autism specialist and coach with neurodiversity training. However, her most significant credential comes from being a mother to two amazing young adult neurodivergent (ASD & ADHD) daughters. Dr. Holmes' career focus changed in 2006 when her daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's (now AS Level One). Her family wrote and released a book from a four-person family perspective called Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey in 2023, available now on Amazon and audio in the Book Baby store. She and her husband, Dan, are a neurodiverse couple (Dan was diagnosed in 2019 ASDL1), and with other contributing authors in the neurodiverse marriage field, have written Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of NeuroDiverse Marriage; pre-orders available now wherever books are sold. Stephanie and Dan host a podcast that is listened to in over 40 countries, the NeuroDiverse Christian Couples podcast. You may also hear Dr. Holmes hosting Springbrook's Converge Autism Radio. �� holmesasr.com
THE PET RESCUERS
LYN AND THE PARROT PURSUIT
By Julie Day
Eleven-year-old Lyn Woods loves her pet parrot, Jasper, because, with her autism, she can talk to him more easily than her family. Then Jasper goes missing. With classmates Pete and Sam, as well as her older sister, Brenda, Lyn searches for Jasper. Using her hobby of drawing cartoons of Jasper and her knowledge of parrots, Lyn tries to overcome her nerves about talking to people she doesn’t know to get help, teaching Brenda what it's like with autism and facing strangers. Can she overcome her nerves to find Jasper? And why has Jasper led her to the man at number 51? Who is he?
Please find the answers in the first book of the Pet Rescuers series, which is about autistic children who find confidence in using their hobbies to find missing pets.
The books are not just for children with Asperger’s syndrome but also their friends and family. The series covers friendship, family, and the difficulties a child with Asperger’s faces in the outside world, with a positive approach that helps readers understand the disorder.
"Where did I put my keys?" "Oh man, what was I about to say…" "What did I come upstairs to do?" "I lost my grocery list; without it, I am blind." "It's 8 p.m.; I am done; I can't think about another thing."
As a middle-aged neurodivergent (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)) woman, these are comments that I have heard myself say throughout my life. What has recently shocked me is not only the increase in these ADHD challenges in myself as I hit menopause but also the increase in menopausal friends who have joined me in expressing these behaviors.
Does everyone have ADHD? Do women develop ADHD as we age? When I would pose these questions, my middle-aged friends would look at me with a confused daze, saying, "Girl, what are you talking about? No, I do not have ADHD; it's menopause."
COULD I HAVE ADHD?
The Relationship Between Menopause and Executive Function
By Robin Tate, MS, MA, BCC, ACC, CAS
These responses just led my questioning brain into a more profound need for understanding. How can menopause resemble ADHD, and why are all my friends beginning to join me in these behaviors? Am I the only one noticing this similarity?
In my quest for understanding, I discovered that other women are also observing the overlapping, increasing characteristics of menopause and ADHD. Experts are similarly posing these types of questions. Before we turn to the research to learn more, let's define two important terms: "menopause" and "executive function."
The Cleveland Clinic defines menopause as "the permanent ending of menstruation." This happens when your ovaries stop making "reproductive hormones." Menopause naturally occurs in a woman in three phases. First, a woman experiences
"perimenopause," phase one typically begins in a woman's 40s and lasts from months to years; at some point, with an average age of 51, a woman experiences the next phase, which is menopause. Menopause is often used to describe the overarching process of a female body's decrease in estrogen, and it is the name for the day that a woman goes one year without her period (her body has stopped producing eggs and makes a significantly less amount of estrogen). Phase two is one notable transition day in a woman's life, much like the day of her first period. In that one day, she officially transitions to the last phase of her hormonal lifecycle. This last hormonal phase is post-menopause. Post-menopause begins the day after a woman reaches a year without her period and lasts the rest of her life. This article will use menopause to describe all three phases of decreasing female hormone production.
In Rev. Dr. Stephanie and Rev. Dan Holme's book Uniquely Us, I defined executive function (EF) as the "processes of the brain that we each need to use to achieve every task we wish to complete each day.” (Uniquely Us; Dawson & Guere). I referenced Peg Dawson and Richard Guere's work outlining 12 commonly agreed upon executive function skills that result from these brain processes that may be a brain strength or challenge for any person (Smart but Scattered). These brain processes include response inhibition, working memory, self-regulation, sustained attention, task initiation, planning/ prioritization, organization, time management flexibility, and metacognition (Smart but Scattered). In adults with ADHD, challenges with EF are present so much that researcher Dr. Russell Barkley refers to ADHD as a disorder of EF (Executive Function, Barkley, 2012).
Unwrapping the connection
What is the connection between menopause and EF; what do we know? A glance at the Cleveland Clinic’s list of menopausal symptoms reveals women in menopause, among other things, experience challenges with at least two areas of EF: emotional regulation and working memory ("Difficulty concentrating or memory lapses (often temporary)"), (Cleveland Clinic). Wow, there it is in writing the same working memory challenges that I (an ADHD woman) have been challenged with my whole life, also listed as a symptom of menopause. Remembering what I was about to say or do and the emotional ups and downs of using my brain are showing up in my same-age female friends. EF challenges like those present in ADHD are a known symptom of menopause in aging women unspecific to her neurotype.
Interestingly, two different stimulant medications (commonly prescribed for ADHD) have been studied on non-ADHD menopausal women complaining about EF challenges. Each study revealed that some women without ADHD going through menopause do experience an improvement in EF challenges when given "ADHD medication” (two med studies). Not all women who experience menopause also experience
EF challenges. The expressed needs of women and studies like these have led experts to a question that I posed earlier: Can ADHD develop later in life, or were women who have experienced challenges with EF in menopause already accommodating unidentified challenges that a decrease in hormones increased? Are ADHD women's estrogen levels already lower than other women? We do not know these things yet.
We do know through research that there is a direct connection between the amount of estrogen a woman's body produces and the levels of dopamine, acetylcholine, and norepinephrine (the neurotransmitters required to have vital EF processes and, therefore, EF skills) accessible to her brain (Wasserstein,). We know that the decline of estrogen in menopause increases ADHD symptoms, creating a direct correlation between estrogen and dopamine (A Call to Action, Additude eBook p. 25). Neuroscientist Dr. Jeanette Wasserstein states there is a likely link between menopause and ADHD. Yet, there is no research at this time specifically focusing on the impact of decreased hormones and women with ADHD (Wasserstein, 2024, Additude).
EF challenges like those present in ADHD are a known symptom of menopause in aging women unspecific to her neurotype.
Here, I arrive at the answers to my questions, realizing there are only more questions. There is some consolation in the reality that I am not alone; researchers and a collective body of women are asking these questions on our behalf. Editors at Additude Magazine have led the way by conducting reader surveys, one of which revealed that 70% of over 4,000 women state "ADHD symptoms had a ‘life-altering’ impact in their 40's and 50's" (p. 26). Their handout, Free Guide to Hormones & ADHD in Women, quickly informs women on what ADHD changes may occur through menopause as well as what might bring her comfort through the hormonal changes in four different seasons of life, including menopause.
In their free downloadable publication, they list “What can help” ADHD symptoms in menopause:
• Ask your doctor about estrogen replacement; it may be helpful, especially in the first few years, to lessen the symptoms.
• If anxiety, depression, and/or mood regulation become a problem, talk to your doctor about SSRIs or SAMs. If memory challenges are the primary challenge, ask about AChEIs.
• DBT can help manage unruly emotions, and CBT can improve executive functions impacted by menopause.
• If you aren't using stimulants, you might consider trying them. Studies show that they can help with cognitive menopausal symptoms even in women without ADHD." (Women, Hormones and ADHD, 2022, www.additudemag. com/download/).
In their whitepaper entitled We Demand Attention, We Demand Greater Research on Women with ADHD, Additude editors
highlight the need for more research on women with ADHD. One of these topics is the correlation of hormonal fluctuations and ADHD/ EF cognitive symptoms across the female lifespan, including menopause. Those interested in getting more involved in promoting research in this area are encouraged to take action steps like writing to the White House Initiative on Women’s Health Research or joining the Head Heart Hormones network that is working to address questions around menopause (p.89).
As we close, I circle back to my middle-aged girlfriends; it seems, ladies, that it is possible if you find yourself losing your keys, forgetting your words, and becoming more easily distracted and irritable (as you move through natural hormone decreases) that you do have ADHD, as well as menopause.
References
ADDitude Editors (2022, May 12). ADHD Impairment Peaks in Menopause, According to Additude Reader Survey. Additude - News and Research. https:// www.additudemag.com/adhd-menopause-women-research/
ADDitude Editors (2024, April 19). ADHD Impairment Peaks in Menopause, According to Additude Reader Survey. Additude. https://www.additudemag.com/ menopause-symptoms-adhd-survey/
ADDitude Editors (2024). We Demand Attention! We Demand Greater Research on Women with ADHD. Additudemag.org. https://www.additudemag.com/product/ women-adhd-research-hormones-diagnosis/
Barkley, R. (n.d.). The Important Role of Executive Functioning and SelfRegulation in ADHD (Copyrighted)). Russellbarkley.com. Retrieved August 16, 2024, from https://russelbarkley.org/factsheets/adhd_EF_and_SR.pdf
Dawson, P., & Guerre, R. (2016). The smart but scattered guide to success. Guilford Press.
Epperson CN, Pittman B, Czarkowski KA, Bradley J, Quinlan DM, Brown TE. Impact of atomoxetine on subjective attention and memory difficulties in perimenopausal and postmenopausal women. Menopause. 2011 May;18(5):5428. doi: 10.1097/gme.0b013e3181fcafd6. PMID: 21293309; PMCID: PMC4076798.
Epperson CN, Shanmugan S, Kim DR, Mathews S, Czarkowski KA, Bradley J, Appleby DH, Iannelli C, Sammel MD, Brown TE. New onset executive function difficulties at Menopause: a possible role for lisdexamfetamine.
Holmes, S., & Holmes, D. (2025). Uniquely Us Navigating the Maze of neurodiverse marriage (1st ed.). Morgan James. https://www.christianneurodiversemarriage. com/uniquelyus
Wasserstein, J., Ph.D. (2024, June 3). Menopause, Hormones & ADHD; What We Know, What Research is Needed. Additude- Additude for Professionals. https:// additudemag.com/menopause-hormones-adhd-women-research/
Robin Tate, MA, MS, BCC, ACC, CAS, is a professionally trained coach, certified autism specialist, and a mother of two beautiful individuals. She also owns a coaching and education practice, Robin Tate LLC. As an ADHD woman with learning challenges, she has a lifetime of lived and professional experiences that make her uniquely qualified to help neurodivergent people. Robin offers Life and Couples Coaching to autistic/AudHD/ADHD clients and their partners. She is passionate about helping couples build safe, inclusive, compassionate homes where people can be authentic and grow to fulfill their purpose.
robintatellc.com
@theneurodiversecouplescoach
The Benefits of Nurturing Girls and Women with Special Needs
By Karen Kaplan, MS
Understanding the motivations and challenges of girls and women with special needs is a crucial starting point for any care provider or teacher. Whether it’s a good night's sleep, a sunny day, or the joy of accomplishing a task, we all engage more in activities that we love, make us happy, or help us reach our goals.
It is also essential to think about what interferes with our motivation. What hinders us? Is it being ill, tired, fearful, stressed, unsafe, hungry, or task difficulty? Do we lack motivation because the task is not preferred, and we know someone else will if we do not do it? Have we depended on others to think for or do for us, thus teaching us to avoid challenges?
If you are a teacher, parent, or care provider who has not taken time to get to know the likes, interests, fears, or challenges of those you nurture, it is time to find out. If you realize you are impatient and require tasks to be done your way or quickly, then perhaps you should step aside, and your role as coach and mentor would be a better fit.
Patience and understanding are not just important; they are the very heart of the nurturing process. They create an environment of compassion and care, reassuring everyone involved that they are on the right path.
Females with neurodiversity are also motivated by fun, preferred, interest-based, predictable, consistent, and satisfying activities. They can also be motivated by seeing the benefits of independence, accomplishing tasks that others their age also accomplish, and seeing how becoming independent allows them to please others who care for them, develop meaningful relationships, and reach positive adult goals.
It's good to discover a woman’s adult vision. Draw it out. Visually show the skills they need to acquire. Make plans on how to obtain those skills. Who do they want to be? What would they like to do (work, volunteer, learn, go, acquire)? How do they want to live? Where and with whom? What skills and knowledge will they need to reach any part of this vision?
Here are a few ways to nurture girls and women with exceptional needs:
• Challenges like sleep and anxiety need to be addressed. Connecting with professionals who can help resolve these challenges can be valuable. To help calm, add activities like mindfulness, yoga, hiking, biking, and swimming. Perhaps a specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy could be beneficial. It’s vital to identify sensory challenges and address them.
• It’s good to introduce small steps of non-preferred activities and match them with preferred activities right after they are tried. Ensure everyone on the team (staff, family) expects the same.
• Some women with neurodiversity challenges may need help planning, remembering, and executing. Technology can be an excellent tool, as can visual schedules posted throughout the house. Use checklists so that they see all they are doing by crossing off. Then be sure to celebrate often.
• A written plan, rewards, and encouragement can help break the “I am stuck” cycle.
Patience and understanding are not just important; they are the very heart of the nurturing process.
In the book The Loving Push: How Parents and Professionals Can Help Spectrum Kids Become Successful Adults, Dr. Temple Grandin states, "Expect them to contribute to their living and working situations. Keep expectations simple (what is critical). Work them through mistakes and failures; they happen, making them resilient. Create a workable pace of activities (processing time). Ensure they know when to start and end (deadlines). Create habits (they do not have to like it; they have to do it, and then it becomes a habit (routine).”
Karen Kaplan, MS, is a native San Franciscan. She completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in speech pathology and audiology at Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona. She minored in special education and obtained her speech therapist and special education credentials in California. Karen worked as a speech therapist for schools for 20 years before opening her own residential and education program for students with autism. She worked in credential programs at Sacramento State University as well as UC Davis and spent 20 years directing private schools for those with autism and similar learning challenges.
Karen founded a non-profit, Offerings, which helps cultures globally to understand those with developmental challenges. For seven years, she founded and facilitated an autism lecture series and resource fair in Northern California. Karen still facilitates an annual Autism Awesomeness event. She is currently consulting and helping families, schools, and centers for children, teens, and adults. Karen has authored three books: Reach Me Teach Me: A Public School Program for the Autistic Child; A Handbook for Teachers and Administrators, On the Yellow Brick Road: My Search for Home and Hope for the Child with Autism, and Typewriting to Heaven…and Back: Conversations with My Dad on Death, Afterlife and Living (which is not about autism but about having important conversations with those we love).
A Faith-Integrated Guide from Personal and Professional Experience
This book is for anyone who wants to better understand autism or neurodiversity from a family that is living it or for anyone who wants to improve their ability to serve, support, advocate or include those with autism.
Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Joy & Hope Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey is a gift to any parent that has ever felt alone on this journey. This is an honest and intimate account of how a diagnosis can alter your expectations of the world and yet help you see more clearly Any family that has a member that has a neurodiverse diagnosis will find refuge in these pages
I am honored that Dr. Stephanie asked me to review this book. I found myself reading the entire book and literally laughed, cried, raged and rejoiced for Stephanie and her family This is a must read for every Christian family who has a special needs child, especially on the autism spectrum I give my highest recommendation both clinically and spiritually for this book.
F G HUTCHINGS III Ed D, LPC, LMFT Licensed Psychologist
Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Joy & Hope Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey walks you through the challenges the family faced in a neurodiverse family system, during and after diagnosis. As a Speech Therapist who has worked with children of all ages that are on the spectrum, early diagnosis and early intervention is imperative for the child’s future success. Parents are struggling and they need support from the school district, and they need to be able to trust the professionals as well. An open relationship between parents and school personnel with ongoing dialog will only help the child succeed even more Education is key, as well as validation for the journey on which people find themselves. I hope this book is a lifegiving addition to that journey.
Exhausted mother fighting with every sinew in her soul
Just to barely maintain and stay sane
You see, caring for a young adult these days
With multiple and profound special needs
Can drain you dry and make you cry
Sometimes, your heart and spirit just bleed
But each day you wake, you love again
Hope motivates your soul
You hug your child, you advocate
Once again, you’re on a roll
You fight for help, you fight for support
You fight, you fight, you fight!
Why can’t it just be easier?
Lord knows that’s just not right!
But love is a mighty, powerful force
And your child is your child is your child
No matter the disability
For that child brings monumental pride
Others might stare…not understand
But you know the bottom line
This is your child; nobody is perfect
And for you, that’s perfectly fine
Gary Shulman, MS, Ed has spent a lifetime supporting vulnerable families and children. He began his career working with children with and without disabilities in an inclusive Head Start program in Brooklyn, NY. He then transitioned to becoming the Special Needs and Early Childhood Coordinator for the Brooklyn Children's Museum for 10 years. His passion for advocacy grew as he worked more and more with parents of children with disabilities. For over 24 years, he has advocated for the needs of these parents as the Social Services and Training Director for Resources for Children with Special Needs, Inc. in NYC. During the last years of his working life, Mr. Shulman served as a private Special Needs Consultant, conducting hundreds of training sessions throughout NYC and beyond to help parents and professionals find and access the services and systems required to facilitate maximizing the potential of their children with disabilities. Now retired in Arlington, VA, but still supporting vulnerable families, serving as an Advisory Commissioner for the Arlington Partnership for Children, Youth and Families. Gary continues his workshop presentations virtually and now also enjoys sharing the poetry that he passionately writes with the goal of leaving this world a better place one word at a time.
SAFETY GOALS WITH NICOLE
REDUCING THE RISK OF ABUSE WITH CHILDREN WITH DISABILITY
How to Talk to Your Daughters with Disabilities About Body Safety
By Nicole Moehring
We teach our children from a young age to wear bike helmets, life jackets, and seat belts, so teaching body safety should be no different. Don’t get me wrong, it isn't easy to start those initial conversations. But do you know what’s even more difficult? Picking up the pieces of your child’s life after a living monster has abused them.
Body awareness is critical for a child’s development, especially for children with disabilities. Parents and caregivers must understand their child's vulnerabilities and educate themselves and their children.
Children with disabilities deserve to be treated the same as their neurotypical peers, including the right to be educated about body safety and awareness and be trained on how to protect themselves. This involves learning strategies for them to prevent abuse and violence. These efforts are critical in reducing the risk of abuse for individuals with disabilities.
Most children with disabilities undergo the same hormonal and physical changes as their neurotypical peers. Children with developmental and intellectual disabilities face numerous communication challenges. This can make it difficult for them to grasp important concepts such as body autonomy, boundaries, consent, understanding good and bad touching, and distinguishing between secrets and surprises. Therefore, they most likely do not know what to do if something does happen.
It's important to start having conversations at an early age with our daughters with disabilities to ensure their safety. These
conversations should be tailored to your child's cognitive level so that she can understand and process the information. Having these conversations regularly, not just as a one-time talk, is crucial.
From the start, teach your daughter to use appropriate words for body parts (i.e., breasts, nipples, vagina, and vulva).
Teaching your daughter the correct names for her body parts not only helps her understand her body but also helps protect her from abuse. It empowers her to say "NO" and to tell someone if she has been inappropriately touched.
I recommend talking to your child’s doctor for advice, using visuals or social stories, and role-playing, as children with disabilities learn best in this way.
Topics that are important to teach your daughter are:
• Body autonomy
• Correct names for body parts
• Boundaries
• Personal safety
• Consent
• Good touches / Bad touches
• How to say NO!
• Tell a caring adult if something doesn’t feel right
• What to do if abuse happens
As our daughters mature, it's crucial to address their evolving life experiences, such as bullying, harassment, and online safety, with a focus on enhancing safety and preventing victimization of children with disabilities.
When addressing these issues, it's important to distinguish between bullying and teasing and between reporting and seeking help for abused, bullied, or teased children. Furthermore, discuss the consequences if your child bullies or teases other children. Establish rules for your family and home and clarify to your daughter that these behaviors will not be tolerated.
Talking to your daughter about female sexuality enables her to be aware of and understand personal safety issues.
Some examples of role-play could be (using various cognitive levels for your child to understand) based on real-life situations that your child can relate to, including both positive and negative scenarios:
• A teacher asks your daughter to go in the car with them
• A student calls another student a name
• A friend is in a chat room, and someone asks to meet her in person
• A friend makes fun of your daughter and does it repeatedly
• A teacher asks your daughter to help him during class
When role-playing with your daughter, ask open-ended questions like "Why?" "Who?" and "How would you handle that?" This will allow her to think things through and allow for meaningful conversations between the two of you.
In addition, contrary to what some people may think or say, most girls with disabilities also go through puberty. Since we don’t truly know what our teen daughters are thinking about, we must believe that they are feeling the same sensations, confusion, and curiosities that teenagers without disabilities experience and feel. We can’t afford to assume just because our kids can’t always communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively with us.
Talking to your daughter about female sexuality enables her to be aware of and understand personal safety issues. It also gives her a sense of ownership over her body, promotes socially appropriate behaviors, and encourages acceptance of her body without shame.
Children with disabilities benefit from repetition. Therefore, these conversations must happen whenever there is an opportunity for a teachable moment. It's our responsibility as parents to educate our children and ensure their safety, often involving challenging conversations.
Nicole Moehring’s daughter and son, who has autism and Fragile X Syndrome, were both victims of sexual abuse. As a mother suffering through this unbelievable nightmare, Nicole witnessed extreme differences in the justice system in terms of how her daughter was believed and treated so well and how her son was not. In addition, she recognized the distinct differences in recovery, trying to find support and resources. Nicole and her daughter Maci founded Voices of Change 2018 (VOC18), a nonprofit organization, to begin making much-needed change for children with disabilities and their families.
VOC18 is a disability-led national organization piloting our groundbreaking programs in Ohio. Their mission is to reduce the risk of abuse, neglect, and exploitation of children with disabilities. By sharing their lived experiences and through collaborations with law enforcement, mental health, medical professionals, and other similar organizations, they are building a foundation of advocacy, awareness, education, resources, and support for children with disabilities and their families.
Loving Yourself and Your Neurodiversity and Finding Those Who Love the Real You
By Sydney Roberts, MA
Hello, my name is Sydney. I am one of the lucky ones. I was identified to be on the autism spectrum between the ages of five and six, but when your mother is a licensed counselor and had heard about Asperger’s syndrome a few years before you were born, I suppose that helps. Thanks, Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes!
Before I discuss finding your community, part of choosing a healthy community is being at peace with your autism identity and accepting yourself for who you are. Then, you can choose a healthier community. So, let me start with a letter from the older me to the younger me for anyone learning to accept their neurodivergence.
Dear Younger Me (Or Those Neurodivergent Like Me Still Trying to Figure Your Label Out):
As I reflect upon my journey from high school to college as someone with autism, I'm reminded of all the challenges, triumphs, and growth I've experienced along the way. If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to hold onto hope and remember that your journey is unique, and your experiences will shape you into a stronger and more resilient individual.
High school, along with dreams of friendship and belonging, often did not live up to my expectations. The friendships I hoped for seemed to slip through my fingers like sand, and the betrayal I experienced from someone I thought was my best
Matt Longcrier Photography
friend cut deep. The hurt and isolation I felt during those times were almost unbearable. I questioned why these things were happening to me, and like you, I wanted to belong so badly. I had not yet accepted myself for who I was. I was still masking, still pretending, and that made me blind to red flags such as bullying, fake friendships, and friendships that were not reciprocal.
As I moved on to college, I brought my longing for connection and belonging with me. I discovered that the journey to finding genuine friendships and self-acceptance doesn't always unfold in the way we anticipate. It took time and some trial and error to realize that I needed to accept myself before expecting others to accept me.
Later in college, after many failed relationships and friendships, one of the key turning points was finding a true friend who understood my challenges and embraced me for who I was. She was my anchor when I struggled and taught me that real friendships are built on acceptance and mutual respect. It was through her support that I found the courage to become more involved on campus, open up about my autism journey, and accept all of me.
You'll face ups and downs, like the rollercoaster of roommates, the challenges of relationships, and the confusion of sorority friendship politics. But remember, these experiences will be your teachers, helping you refine your understanding of yourself and others. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them. You'll find that true friends will stand by you and accept all of you, even when things get tough. You will not feel the need to mask around true friends.
As I embarked on my college journey, I stumbled into unexpected opportunities that allowed me to embrace my unique talents and passions. From being involved in clubs to advocating for autism awareness, I found a sense of purpose that fueled my growth. You'll find the most authentic versions of yourself in these moments of passion and connection.
The road to self-acceptance wasn't without its hurdles. I struggled with blaming my Asperger's/autism for my challenges and even questioned why I was made this way. Yet, through friendships, faith, and support, I realized that my label didn't define me. It is an integral part of who I am but not all I am. Embracing my label and sharing my story became empowering to me and inspiring to others as they embraced their uniqueness. I want to empower others on their identification and acceptance journey.
Your journey may take twists and turns, but each experience will contribute to your growth and understanding. As I close this letter, remember that your future is bright, and your potential is infinite. Embrace your journey, learn from every experience, and above all, never stop believing in yourself.
With warm regards, Sydney
Building community/support in transitions
Let me start by saying I do not handle change well. It is a hardwired autism feature. I am in my mid-20s, and I still handle change about as well as I did when I was a pre-teen. I am not only “neurospicy” (neurodivergent), but I also have mild obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I like things to stay the way they are. I need routines, and I need space away from people sometimes. These past two years have been nothing but transition and change. First, my maternal grandfather passed away two weeks before I graduated with my master's degree. I then moved across the country away from everyone I knew and loved for my first "big girl job." That meant a new apartment, new city, new routine, new coworkers, new church, new everything. Not long after, I left that first job for a different job, and with it came new faces and another new routine. I met my now husband, and we started dating long-distance. I got a kitten. We bought a house, and I moved in first. We got engaged and planned a wedding. We got married, and then he moved in, which meant he also had a new job in a new city, etc. As if that wasn't enough change in two years, my husband and I adopted another kitten! Her name is Peanut. Having a severe peanut allergy in addition to my neurospiciness, this Peanut is the only peanut allowed in the house!
Many of these transitions were good things. But just because a change is good doesn't mean it isn't hard. Change is not the friend of autism. All transitions come with difficult emotions. I wish I could tell you that I handled them all gracefully and that this article would contain a section called "The Tips and Tricks of How to Conquer Transitions." Unfortunately, I cannot. I was a mess. I struggled. I cried. I had panic attacks. I did make it through, but I didn't make it through by myself. That also was new and different but in a good way. I had found my safe community, and that was the key. I had others I empowered, and they, in turn, empowered and supported me.
For me, it has been in a faith community (but that has not always been the case since not all faith communities are inclusive to those with differences, divergences, or diagnoses). I joined a women-only Bible study when I moved to a fantastic new church. There, inclusion for those with differences and disabilities is a core value. Around the time of my second job change, I became the leader of the Bible study group and hosted 15 ladies each week in my home. I work in a department that consists primarily of women my age. I became best friends with one of my neighbors at my old apartment, and she was standing by my side at my wedding as a bridesmaid. I created my village and filled it with women and friends who know me - the real unmasked me. They accept me and support me. They love me, and they walk through life with me. The word count for this article is not nearly long enough to go through every transition and give a detailed account of everything every single woman did to empower me through these transitions, so I will stick with what happened just this year.
Support while moving
Moving is a difficult transition for anyone. It overflows with sentimental emotions of the memories you made while you look forward to the new memories ahead. Everything has its place, and then your life is packed up in boxes and thrown chaotically into a vehicle. Now, throw in some neurospicy thinking and OCD into the mix. The overthinking of the logistics kicks in. The tasks seem unachievable, overwhelming, and are almost debilitating at times. You only have a little tiny Honda, so how the heck do you move the couch belonging to your late grandfather? How are you even going to get it down the stairs? Panic starts to set in. Your kitten is looking at you with a look that says, "Mom, where is all my stuff?" or “Look, Mom, I can eat this bubble wrap!” She then proceeds to hide quietly in a box for hours, which leads you to frantically unpack everything out of fear that you sealed her in a box. What is already a daunting task for many becomes a nightmare for me. Four boxes in, and I start to feel defeated and overwhelmed.
My friends, knowing me, started to rally around me. Several ladies from my Bible Study and my place of employment helped me move out of my apartment and into my house. They helped me finish packing boxes, loaded their cars full of stuff, and made many trips to and from the apartment to the house. One of my best friends even rented a U-Haul with her now fiancé to help us move the larger items. Not only did these extraordinary women help me move out of my apartment, but they helped me move into my house. They went beyond just unloading boxes. Some started cleaning the house, and others began helping me unpack the essentials. A few helped me paint
the walls that desperately needed a new coat. They helped me make this house my home. They knew the support I needed. They knew when to let me take a break and when to step in.
Planning a wedding
Nearly every bride experiences some variety of anxiety when planning their wedding. There are so many moving parts! You must research and tour venues, figure out catering and food allergies, create save the dates and wedding invites, narrow down the guest list several times, order the cake and florals, scout photographers and videographers, and the list goes on. For these reasons, I did not want a wedding! I wanted to elope. A big wedding with hundreds of people, loud noises, being the center of attention all day, and having to smile and mask when my people battery was out sounded dreadful. I wish I had fought harder for what I wanted. Pushy family members told me, “I would regret it if I eloped.” I would do it over if I could.
Regrets aside, I did not take on this monster of a task myself. I was blessed to have my mother do most of the heavy lifting. My mother came to visit me despite the negative cold temperatures my state was experiencing at the time. We planned the wedding together and secured all the vendors in a week! When we had a minor snafu with one of the vendors later in the planning, my mother helped me find a solution. In addition to the physical tasks that are part of planning a wedding, my mom became my go-to for emotional support. I struggled with the feelings and emotions that come with transitioning to marriage and sharing space with someone. I nearly called off the wedding several times because it was easier to get rid of the thing causing me stress than to process my emotions. My mom lovingly encouraged me and gently pushed me to confront and feel my emotions instead of pushing them out. She guided me to regulate instead of escape.
The week of the wedding
By the week of the actual wedding, my stress level was at an all-time high. My fiancé and I almost dipped and eloped the Thursday before the big day. My mom, matron of honor, and bridesmaids reminded me why I chose them to be by my side and knew how to support me. My mom and matron of honor took care of the relational drama and week of last-minute logistics. My bridesmaids looked after me and helped me feel joy for my wedding for the first time in months. I did not have to worry about anything. Everything was taken care of, including me. Three of my bridesmaids were married and helped me lay aside my initial worries about marriage. It was women supporting and empowering women. Having healthy, supportive women in my life was vital as I had been working on a healthier me who would not settle for fitting in but for true belonging and connection.
I, perhaps stubbornly and unwisely, chose to go through many transitions in a short amount of time. I made it through. While
Matt Longcrier Photography
I am thankful that I had the support of my now husband, my real strength came from my community; my team of incredible women who are both neurodivergent and neurotypical. Each of these transitions comes with their challenges amid their joys. It can sometimes be easy to forget the joy when all you see is what can go wrong, neurodiverse or not. It can be overwhelmingly challenging for those of us who are neurodiverse to stay positive and not go immediately into “the world is ending” panic mode.
When I moved 16+ hours away from my family two years ago, I was determined to find my little community so I would have true friends. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my little community would not only help me physically when I needed it but also lift me up and help me build inner strength and resiliency. These ladies uplift me, encourage me, pray with me, and celebrate life with me. They see the kindness, peace, joy, and strength within me even when I am too drained to see it in myself. I am strong because they lift me up. I am filled with joy because
they ride through the storms with me. I have peace because someone always knows someone who can help or who can think of a plan. I could easily take all the credit and brag about how I made it through all these transitions and created an amazing life. But the truth is, I am empowered to have the life I have always dreamed about because I first accepted myself and my differences. I stopped settling for fitting in or being marginally included. I chose friends who love me for being me and have built a community with me. I have other amazing women who empower me to be my best self and navigate these life transitions with me. Empowerment comes from within you, but sometimes empowerment means asking for help from your inner circle. Be mindful and intentional when building that inner circle. Surround yourself with friends who will empower you to do life with you regardless of the ups and downs. I would not have come out of these major life transitions in such a positive way if it were not for them. I owe them so much. I hope to repay them by returning the favor when they go through their own life transitions.
Sydney Roberts, MA, is a neurodivergent woman living her best life. She shares her life and tips in articles, blogs, and on Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes' YouTube channel (Aspie to Aspie). She is a contributing author with her family in the newly released book Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey. Sydney followed her passion for history and museums and pursued her MA in Public History with Museum Studies certification. She is the Membership Manager at the Durham Museum of Omaha; Sydney, her husband, and her two fur babies, Piper and Peanut, reside in Omaha.
Advocate
Paige Layle on Living an Authentic Autistic Life
By Ron Sandison, M Div
Paige Layle began sharing on social media her challenges with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism in 2020. She quickly attracted 2.7M TikTok followers, 156K Instagram followers, and 177K YouTube subscribers. Four years later, she celebrated the release of her first book, But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life. I took the opportunity to speak with Paige and learn more about her experiences with autism.
What was your childhood like in Kawartha Lakes, Canada?
It was lonely a lot of the time. I was alone often. It took a bike ride to get to the next house down the road, and none of them anywhere near my house had kids my age. It was great to have a little brother to hang out with, but he would hang out with our father outside a lot as we got older and would be home less and less as he made more friends and had more fun opportunities with them. It was great to have some property to be able to adventure in, interact with, and have a dog and a cat growing up.
What were some of your enthusiasms and passions as a child?
I’ve always had an affinity for children and animals. I’m quite good with them, and they like me a lot. From dogs and cats to bugs and frogs and birds and cows. I tutored kids in school, babysat for many lovely families, volunteered at camps for kids every summer since I was 11, and even spent half of my grade 11 year in a grade one classroom as a teacher assistant, helping the kids learn how to read. Now, I work part-time as a dance teacher, which I think is the most fulfilling work. I get to watch the same kids grow and learn and progress over the years. I’m so lucky and thankful to be someone my dancers can trust and confide in as a mentor throughout their growing years. When I was little (and even now, to be honest), I woke up every morning with an urge to make and draw, build, paint, construct, and invent. I made little houses out of paper, dioramas with cardboard boxes and dollar store figurines, blankets out of scrap pieces of fabric, and wallets out of KoolAid jammer packages, and I sold them for dollars to kids at school. I have been a hustler since a young age! (I was VERY insistent with my Swear Jar Rules: 25¢ per swear, except the F-bomb and the C-bomb were $1. If mine and my brother’s young ears had to hear it, I demanded compensation.) I loved to sing, dance, and perform. I was engaged in theatre since the age of six, as I talk about more in my book. I journaled often and expressed myself through creative means. I drew, although I was never all that good at it.
What challenges did you experience with socializing as a child, and how did you adapt to these challenges?
I think with regards to social challenges, I wasn’t given enough
attention as a child by my caregivers and had a hard time feeling safe in any environment, which led to constant extreme anxiety. Some of the anxiety could have been relieved in an environment where my nervous system felt safe, but unfortunately, that’s part of my disability; it’s SO HARD for my nervous system to feel safe, for me to access my higher thinking brain, and get out of fight/flight/freeze survival brain. It’s weird when you’re stressed and suicidal as a kid. Most other kids can’t relate to you most of the time, and the ones that do never talked about it when I was growing up. That’s changing. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship with others looked like, and it was a long time before I found people who actually liked and embraced me and loved me (which only came after I started being true to myself). I wasn’t like the others, and I didn’t want to be more like them because they were boring compared to what I had going on. I think if I had more neurodivergent friends and at a young age [we had] known we were neurodivergent, that would’ve made for easier friendships.
What were the circumstances leading to your autism diagnosis?
I accepted defeat to my miserable, stressful life, and I tried to kill myself. I did a few times, but I always ended up picking up the pieces myself afterward. It just got super serious, and I couldn’t take feeling helpless. That really got my doctor’s attention when I told him, and he sprang into gear, getting me a referral to a child psychiatrist. I was suicidal since I was a young girl and had spoken with my doctor dozens of times about my mental health, but it wasn’t until I actually made active steps towards suicide that anything was done. Which was not okay and not fair. I spoke to the psychiatrist months later and was diagnosed there. For more on my diagnosis process and what the doctor said, you can find a whole chapter on it in my new book, But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life.
How has an autism diagnosis as an adult transformed your life?
With an autism diagnosis and being an adult, I know that I can move forward with my life differently than how I was raised,
accommodating myself, taking care of myself, and loving myself. I know who I am and what I need, and I do not deny that for myself. I take care of myself like I deserved to have been taken care of all my life, which is a power you get only from surviving childhood and viewing it on the outside as an adult. I genuinely don’t think I would be alive if I didn’t have my autism diagnosis. I didn’t plan to make it to adulthood because I didn’t see it getting any better. Even if life did get better, it was SO HARD at the time that it barely even mattered. My autism diagnosis was hope. Finally, I saw a version of me who was older than me. I imagined what she looked like, what she did, and who she loved, and I knew it could be possible.
Do you have any sensory issues? What are they, and how do you prevent sensory overload?
Absolutely. I have tons. I think it would be impossible to list all of them, and I’m sure there are lots I have that I don’t even know of yet. First, I’ll talk about preventing overloads. Take frequent breaks. I try to take as many breaks as I need and change my environment however I need. Sometimes, I’m just irritated and angry, and I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to my body: what’s the problem? Oh, my hair is touching my
back, there are too many sounds occurring at once, my hands and feet are freezing, and I haven’t gone to the bathroom in eight hours. Then I will take care of myself and change what’s going on; I’ll put my hair up, maybe put music on or earplugs in, or leave altogether; I’ll eat some food and move around and put a sweater on and go to the bathroom.
I try to set myself up for success by anticipating what would bother me and changing it into something that wouldn’t bother me or would bother me less. Sound/noise: Cars driving by. Clanging dishes. Scraping dishes. The furnace. The fridge. The people talking. The birds. It’s all too much. I have earplugs and headphones always to change my noise environment. Tactile: I only wear clothes that I can easily, comfortably and flexibly move around in without restriction and without it moving around on my body. I don’t like some material, like velvet, sequins, cotton or wool. I don’t like things touching my neck. Being wet. People touching me. I don’t like seams, bras, being barefoot, shoes, hats, masks, washing dishes and showering.
When I am sick, I feel like I could turn into The Hulk at any moment when I am not distracted (sleeping) from how uncomfortable my body feels. The loss of nostril usage has me kicking and punching the bed; it is so uncomfortable and unbearable. The achy muscles, the snot on your face from blowing your nose and the rash you get under your nose from blowing it so much, the tiredness and inability to partake in your daily tasks, the way you smell and can’t even get up, how you can’t eat your foods you want… being sick is awful. I hate it.
I’m very sensitive to food and sometimes can’t even get myself to stomach something. Food is difficult. I try to have safe foods always stocked or close by, and I typically have one safe food per restaurant, just in case, so I’m safe anywhere we go (smalltown things).
What advice would you give a young autistic adult struggling with employment?
Employment is hard. Most autistic people aren’t employed. It’s difficult because I don’t want to necessarily give advice to help adhere to the system we have now [because] it isn’t fair and isn’t sustainable (or even barely applicable) to autistic people. It is tough out here, and a lot of jobs aren’t suitable for us.
It’s going to be different for everyone, but personally, the best thing for me was to start my own business, make my own rules, and do what I want every day. I recommend someone else helping with all of the books and the organization and the order of it all, but this is where I’ve found the most success and fulfillment with work.
Follow your passion. There are so many weird trades out there you don’t even know. And they’re cool and require barely any schooling and can definitely get you by. It depends on what’s accessible to each person, but if you want to be employed, I
I try to set myself up for success by anticipating what would bother me and changing it into something that wouldn’t bother me or would bother me less.
recommend doing a trade in an environment that you like!
What challenges have you experienced in dating? And what three dating tips would you share with young adults on the spectrum?
I’ve always had an issue with people thinking I’m flirting with them when I’m really not trying to. I’ve had issues with people liking me for how I look but not for who I am and actually disliking who I am. I think these are also the unfortunate consequences of being a woman today, and the autism just exacerbated the extent of the differences. I was with some pretty scummy people who easily manipulated me.
Be yourself, and if they don’t like you for who you are, move on and find who does. You are loveable as you are.
Be careful. Some people are gonna know you’re vulnerable and want to take advantage of that. Don’t leave yourself without a way out, look up on healthy boundaries and emotional maturity so you know what to look out for, and trust your gut.
You need to keep moving forward and focus on yourself, not your ex. Be thankful for what that relationship taught you and move on. I know a lot of autistic people can struggle with limerence, so I just wanted to add this one in there, too.
What are some cool qualities people with autism can bring to the workplace?
Very likely to follow all the rules by the book flawlessly every time.
Really driven to performing or completing that task, and way less distracted by socializing.
Really good at finding patterns! Figuring out what’s wrong, seeing why something hasn’t been working, viewing a problem from a completely different perspective
Unmatchable passion.
Innovation! Always trying to make it work faster, easier, more efficiently.
Who are some of your favorite autistic advocates?
Some of my favorite autistic advocates are Ellie Middleton,
EXCEPTIONAL ADVOCATE
Chloe Hayden, Daniel Jones, Morgan Foley, Nicole Parish, Kaelynn Partlow, and Candy Courn.
What inspired you to write But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life?
I’ve had a pen and paper on me since I can remember, which is pretty far. I’ve been writing my experiences out for myself all these years, and it wasn’t until my social media channels gained popularity that I thought others might benefit from hearing about this experience. I get the same questions over and over again, questions I have answered OVER and OVER again, but they’re lost in the sea of videos I’ve created. I wanted one full, solid unit of information that contained what l thought was my most important information that could be used as a resource. It was another step to reaching more people and making my story accessible to help people. Even if it’s just one person, that one person could’ve been me.
What are the three things you like best about being autistic?
My memory. Most people's questions are about random things I decided to note and memorize. I have so many useful facts (and useless but also interesting).
My ability to connect the dots and find the patterns. It baffles me what people find surprising because when people aren’t changing the pattern; they’re super predictable.
My passion. No one works harder than me at something I love.
You have 2.7 million followers on TikTok; how did you build your social media platform?
I don’t even know! I didn’t mean to. It was all very fast. I just spoke and posted sometimes, and out of nowhere, some of them got popular. That’s the difficult thing with TikTok: You can’t really predict what’s going to blow up. The algorithm is all over the place, and it is not consistent. It feels like the lottery. TikTok provides no monetary value to me, so I decided to make longer videos and post them to YouTube. I shout out my YouTube on TikTok because watching those videos is free for others, helpful, and supporting me. I don’t worry about growing my platform and getting bigger, because people knowing me actually is scary to me. I just post what I want now, which changes daily, as I do.
How have you used your social media to advocate for the autism community?
I started advocating for autism on TikTok and have been making videos on there and YouTube for four years now. I talk about my experiences, thoughts and feelings, patterns that I can recognize, and questions I have. My tone ranges from funny to serious to angry to goofy, but what remains the same is my passion to get my message across and dedication to understanding more about autistic people.
What are some current projects you are working on?
Currently, I am working on publicity for my new book, so I’ll be around, hopefully, doing talks and interviews and hosting meet and greets. Then, later this year, I’m actually going to be filming a movie! I can’t share too much about it (and I haven’t said ANYTHING to my socials or anything at all), but all I can say is it’s filming in 2024, and it's going to be awesome. I have a lot of memorizing to do! Words can’t describe how thrilled I am to be working on it, and I must leave you patiently waiting to hear more information.
Paige Layle is an advocate and influencer for a better understanding of autism on social media. Paige was diagnosed with autism at the age of 15 and began making videos in response to a degrading post about autistic people, initially creating a four-part series to address common misconceptions about autism. Now in her twenties, Paige is an autism acceptance activist on YouTube and TikTok and has 2.7 million followers on TikTok. Paige also works part-time as a dance shares her home in Kawartha Lakes, Canada, with her dogs, Macey and Medusa, and cats, Mikado and Marlin. She narrated the Audible Original American Girl by Wendy Walker, “An instant #1 Audible bestseller.”
Publicity manager, Lauren: lauren.rosenthal@hbgusa.com. For social media sponsorships and speech opportunities, contact mgmt@paigelayle.ca
Ron Sandison, MDiv., works full-time in the medical field and is a Professor of Theology at Destiny School of Ministry. He is an advisory board member of the Autism Society Faith Initiative of the Autism Society of America, the Art of Autism, and the Els Center of Excellence. Ron holds a Master of Divinity from Oral Roberts University and is the author of A Parent’s Guide to Autism: Practical Advice. Biblical Wisdom was published by Siloam, and it is about Thought, Choice, and Action. He has memorized over 15,000 Scriptures, including 22 complete books of the New Testament. Ron speaks at over 70 events a year, including 20-plus education conferences. Ron and his wife, Kristen, reside in Rochester Hills, MI, with their daughter, Makayla.
Late Autism Diagnosis: Creating My Periphery of Normal
By Kristin Sunanta Walker
My aunt and uncle wrote and illustrated a children’s book when I was five. The story was about a little girl and her stuffed animal, Snoopy. The book was about me and just for me. While my ring and middle fingers stayed almost permanently in my mouth for comfort, Snoopy was always a matted mess dangling from my other hand. He saw nothing abnormal about me crawling on all fours, barking, begging for dog treats at my mother’s feet, and eating dog biscuits. Children were not to be around because they were too messy, unruly, mean, and childish. I didn’t understand their behavior and found dogs and horses much better companions. I was a little adult (other than the dog barking), and I couldn’t understand why children didn’t want to line up in some kind of order while I told them exactly what to do. I was definitely not nominated for any popularity contests. I was too odd, but I realized that, at a very young age, I could dance around the periphery of normal.
In the book, Snoopy and I went on amazing adventures together. He was my guide to understanding what the world is really about. He had to show me that the world was actually upside down. One night, he took me on a walk through our neighborhood after everyone had fallen asleep. I noticed that every house was upside down. My aunt drew a row of three homes that were balancing on the ground on their pitched roofs. Once inside, we navigated through a complex maze of pendant lamps, ceiling fans, and beams, walking on the popcorn ceilings. All the furniture in every room hung from the floor above our heads. Snoopy and I were happy outcasts in this upside-down world, which we navigated with finesse. We looked through the windows of many houses. Every family was happy living upside down. They never even noticed! What on earth did my aunt and uncle realize about me already? In a family where sexual and emotional abuse ran rampant, I learned all about things unsaid and staying unsaid. For a child who noticed everything and blurted out dysfunctional behavior in great detail, I was certainly not a hit at family gatherings.
As I got older, I realized that I had to hang out with people to keep up this act of normalcy. This has proven to be a lifelong struggle. I spent years inserting myself into other people’s lives. I was always searching for some kind of belonging. I knew dysfunctional families, so that is what I found. I hung out with many people’s families and learned that being a scapegoat in your own family is enough. It took a lot of therapy for early childhood trauma to learn that I needed to stop offering myself up for this role in other families, too. It has been amazing to learn that trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can explain away other helpful diagnoses, especially for females.
School and regular jobs always led to significant depression and burnout. Hanging out with the same people all day, every day, was way too exhausting. Lurking around the periphery of normal, I found working as a consultant was very helpful. I
could keep my mask of normalcy up for the length of the job (typically two weeks). Being an entrepreneur allowed me to make enough money to work until I inevitably crashed. Then, I could be a burned-out wreck for a few months while I prepped to handle another project.
I was too odd, but I realized that, at a very young age, I could dance around the periphery of normal.
I’ve also been a caretaker of others my entire life. I just could never successfully embody caretaking of myself until now. I was undoubtedly trying but miserably failing over and over again. After my diagnosis of autism at 54 years old and armed with previous knowledge about my attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the review of my life is exhausting and exhilarating. It’s the best food for an overactive brain. I’ve read that this life review is what many of us diagnosed with autism later in life do. In a moment, the perception of myself that I’d carried for as long as I can remember, quite simply, shifted. Suddenly, the glasses are all half full, with many of them overflowing. Compassion for myself is finally available. Instead of looking at myself like I am running down a hallway that keeps getting longer and thinking, “I see the door everyone else seems to be able to reach and open. It’s always out of my reach.” I now reflect on my life and only see how far I’ve come.
It is a huge relief, and my best first act of aware self-care was to stop seeing what I don’t have and will never fit into. I needed my diagnosis to help me step fully into my body and appreciate what I already have. I am creating my own definition of normal that only applies to me. Information is powerful.
No longer outside looking in
Being diagnosed gave me what I’ve been searching for my entire life: me. It’s the key to my home inside myself. My mantra during meditation and prayer is now an invitation to enjoy peace in my real home. I can look in the windows without feeling wistful because I do fit in when I go inside. I’m no longer outside of myself looking in anymore. When the entire universe feels like it is exploding inside my body and screaming for me to feel everyone’s pain, I lovingly say one thing that calms my insides down immediately: “Kristin, Welcome Home.”
Kristin Sunanta Walker is the founder of the Mental Health News Radio Network and the Autism Podcast Network. The platform has over 75 podcasters and radio shows focusing on mental health, from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, ADHD, autism, and more. Kristin spent the majority of her career in technology, working with clients from small businesses to Fortune 500 organizations. Her volunteer activity has always been focused on mental health as a peer counselor, therapy dog handler with patients in residential treatment centers, and a board member of multiple counseling organizations. She has her own show on her network (Mental Health News Radio) and is a frequent host of Converge Autism. Her personal time is spent on her small animal farm in the mountains of North Carolina, making her inner child happy by spending the majority of her time taking care of her mom, dogs, goats, and cats.
