When There Are Special Needs

By Kate C. Wilde

HELLO EVERYONE! I AM WRITING TO YOU FROM THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE, AND I CAN FEEL THAT LITTLE TINGE OF HOPE BUBBLE INSIDE ME: SPRING IS COMING. JUST THE THOUGHT OF SPRING BRINGS JOY TO MY HEART AND A LITTLE SKIP TO MY STEP.

Today’s column is all about setting boundaries with our special loved ones. I hope it brings you greater clarity on this topic, topped with newfound hope that the process, which can often seem complicated, just got a little easier.

Audrey from Texas asks:

I have a highly verbal 14-year-old son on the spectrum. I removed all of his video games from our house because I felt he was having an unhealthy and problematic relationship with them. He now wants them back and keeps asking for them multiple times daily. So, I set a boundary around it, saying that is something we are not going to do, but he keeps asking for them and getting frustrated. How do I get him to respect the boundary?

Thank you, Audrey, for this excellent question! You are so spot on about eliminating video games! Doing this is so helpful and healthy for your son, even if, at this moment, he does not realize it. Screens in all their variations can be problematic in the following three ways:

1. In my experience, they create more control battles than any other object or home activity. Video games often put a lot of stress on the relationship between caregivers and their loved ones.

2. Being on a screen slowly revs the nervous system up (without providing a physical outlet to release the energy), which sets people up for meltdowns.

3. Video games can create a vicious dopamine cycle where your child or adult needs more and more juicing of the dopamine system in the brain to get the same result. This leads to addiction and the frustration you see in your son. The more he plays them, the more time he needs to spend in a gaming session to achieve the same dopamine effect, so playing them eventually becomes less and less satisfying and more frustrating.

Bravo again on taking this courageous step! I hope you don’t forget to celebrate yourself and that you enjoy living in a video game-free zone!

Now, let’s focus on your question, which is how to get your son to respect the boundary of no video games at home. The place to start would be to redefine how you think and see boundary setting. Boundary setting is only about what YOU do. It has nothing to do with how your son responds to the boundary you set. This simple switch can be quite revolutionary because it liberates us from having to manage/ stop others’ responses.

Instead of trying to manage your son’s response, focus instead only on managing what you are doing or saying. You don’t need to convince him of anything; he does not need to change his opinion to respect the boundary. You don’t need to stop him from asking for the video games or wanting them. In fact, this is not something you can do. We cannot change what another person thinks or does—only they can do that. It is OK, and very normal and human, to continue to want something even if you can’t have it.

Instead, welcome all his communications about wanting video games; you don’t need to shut them down to keep the boundary. Because setting a boundary is all about what YOU do, not what he does. You might tell him a variation of this:

“I love hearing what you want and what is important to you. I will listen to what you are saying; you can tell me and ask me for your wants as many times as you like. I will keep listening to you, and you can keep asking, and the answer is always going to be that I am not bringing them back. I love you and want to help your nervous system regulate itself by giving you a video game-free home.”

Your lack of resistance to him asking for them, coupled with your consistent answer of “No, they will not be coming back,” will remove your tension from the situation. Thus, everything you do around this boundary will be different, and how he responds to your new response will be different.

The video games are already gone and you are not bringing them back, so the boundary has already been set. Relax into the notion that he may always ask. This acceptance of him asking will also communicate to him that your boundary is immovable (i.e., he will start to believe you are really not bringing them back), because you are no longer trying to get him to stop asking for them. When your son senses that you “need” him to stop asking for the video games, it may communicate to him that there is hope. Because you need him to stop, you may weaken and give in just to get him to stop asking. If you give him hope, he will keep going after what he wants. Again, that is a very normal and human thing to do.

Another useful action would be to offer him an alternative to video games. For example, you can:

1. Offer him books and magazines about his favorite video games.

2. Offer him merchandise (that is not electronic) with images of characters and themes of the games he likes.

3. Roleplay being characters from preferred games, reenacting some of the plotlines.

4. Watch playthroughs of favored games and learn some of the scripts from them, then surprise him by reciting bits and pieces in the same tone and character voice.

Have fun with this, Audrey, and please do write in and let us know how it goes. Keep sending in your questions or any stories about implementing some of my answers as I love hearing from you! Until the next issue, may you all be safe and well.

Kate C. Wilde has spent the past 30 years working with children and adults on the autism spectrum and their families, as well as with therapists, educators, and schools. She is the author of the acclaimed books, Autistic Logistics: A Parent’s Guide to Tackling Bedtime, Toilet Training, Tantrums, Hitting, and Other Everyday Challenges and The Autism Language Launcher: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Your Child Turn Sounds and Words into Simple Conversations, and is renowned for the well-attended courses she teaches throughout the U.S., Europe, and Asia. Her YouTube autism quick tip videos, delivered with her trademark infectious enthusiasm, have garnered a following worldwide.

Websites: https://www.katecwilde.com/, https://www.autismcrisisturnaround.com/

IN SEARCH OF PERSONALIZED EXPERT GUIDANCE?

Send us your parenting questions, woes, concerns, and tricky situations with your beautiful, exceptional children. This includes all of you amazing professionals out there. Kate will answer up to five questions in every issue in her Kate Makes it Great! column. Kate has worked with children and adults on the spectrum for the past 30 years. She has clocked more than 20,000 therapy hours and has worked with well over 1,500 different children. Whatever you are facing today, Kate has most likely experienced it in some form. Her answers will be practical, doable, inspiring, optimistic, down to earth, and real. Together, there is nothing we cannot face with a little joy and love.

Submit your questions to submissions@exceptionalneedstoday.com

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